Oreopithecus bambolii

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Location Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, United States
Introduction It's a terrible joke. It's all a terrible joke. Fortunately for me, some people think I'm actually occasionally funny. Fortunately for the rest of the world, few of them know each other, and fewer still live near each other.

Whoops! Your tongue is now a magnet. Whatever will you use for silverware?

Plastics? Non-magnetic metals? Ceramics? The possibilities here are far less tightly constrained than the writers of this question ever considered, I imagine.