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Introduction Pat has led a privileged life as a Pittsburgh sports fan. When Jiri Hrdina brought the Stanley Cup to his grade school, Pat was lucky enough to be placed directly in front of Lord Stanley for the school picture, which nicely depicts him shoving his grimy little hand into the most sacred chalice in all of sports. Such good fortune continued when, by way of his aunts living next to a certain Pittsburgh linebacker, he celebrated the 1995 AFC Championship win over the Colts in the Steelers locker room with the players. Pat's greatest asset as a human being is his ability to recite verbatim the films "One from the Heart: The Story of the 1990-91 Pittsburgh Penguins" and "Against the Odds: The Story of the 1991-1992 Pittsburgh Penguins". The only jerseys he has ever owned are those of Levon Kirkland and Sidney Crosby, and his old smelly Pirates hat is his prized possession second to only his vintage Roberto Clemente t-shirt. Pat firmly believes that a handshake is better than an autograph, Jerome Bettis said "Tails", tennis is a sport worth following, and the 1999 Pittsburgh Pirates could beat any high school team in the country if they really put their minds to it.