Capt. Phileas J. Werewolf

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Location Jotunheim, Mirrorworld, District of Columbia, United States
Introduction People often ask me, when I'm rifling through their things, "What are you doing? Who are you?" Well, first off, it's just plain rude to bother me while I'm rifling--or didn't your guttersnatch mother teach you anything? Keep it up and there will be trouble. Second off, my name is Phileas Jasperhands Werewolf, and I'm captain of the 14th Battalion of the Royal Air Navy, "The Fighting Teslas”--and I swear to Odin, Jared, if you still contend that it should be "Teslae," I will bite off your face. My life is awe-inspiring. I've ridden dinosaurs with Jesus, and I've played bridge with Jesus' evil half-brother, Negatus, the reverse-Jesus. Name a weapon and an orifice: I've put one in the other. Prison shank in an earhole? Check. Samurai sword in a dude's urethra? Check and mate, children. Black holes? I invented them. Not discovered, INVENTED. I once broke Batman's back, and then I fixed it just to break it all over again--you might know this as "The Great Depression." Every time someone gets hit in the face with nunchucks, I get a dollar. I am a magician and a wizard, and your earth weapons have no effect on me. Now get over here so I can bite your face off.