Typical human discontent, this couldn't be.

Everytime friends discuss buying a home, the options, the towns, the choices - my mind stops working, and I give a little sub-conscious shudder. Make a home here? Oh God NO! "But why not?" friends ask, "Don't you like New Jersey?" Well, of course the answer is no. No, I don't like New Jersey. But its not just that. This just doesn't feel like home... just doesn't feel like I could be Queen of my castle here, in this huge land of big opportunities.

Am I like Jhumpa's Ashima and Ashoke, just another first generation immigrant, who feels it her duty to be in touch with all things Indian? My mother would laugh at the mere idea... I stayed away from all things Indian even in India... Nothing in New Jersey could inspire me to pursue that path!

Move to another state perhaps? The mere thought is frightening. Not big into social gatherings, but I love my daily portions of people. The complete lack of it would render my mind, emotions, senses useless. Things were different when I was in Buffalo... I was studying at the University then, that's a whole different eco-system that you can never get over, regardless of what country you're in. But now, it would be impossible to move elsewhere. Elsewhere where there are no avenues open to meet people like in New York City...

I think the matter is quite simply stated - home is where the heart is. My heart is still in Nasik... I'll complain, hate it most days, but nothing can replace it... I'll always miss home... perhaps return to it someday when I've had enough of my "real-world" adventures...

Here's one for the motherland :)

Home of my dreams

I break into a cold sweat
At a lingering thread
Of a dream
Falling, weightless
Into the darkness -
In a short, abrupt scream

What of this fear?
Me, I walked away
From a place dearly loved
In search of a home
For my aspirations;
Anchored instead to a hostile cove

Perhaps, off-course,
But now my ship has sailed
Into an obscuring fog -
A warm blanket -
Whilst livid waves yip at its sides
Like an unfriendly dog:
My first mate at my side
He and I sealed our fate
To ride this storm together;
But the comfort it gives
Is dwindling; Will the warmth remain
After years of this dank weather?

Yes, I've walked away
From a place I loved:
Wine country, undiscovered
Little knolls, and tall grass;
In my backyard we loafed -
Me and my dogs, untethered
My head in their laps
Eyes on the blue clouds
Dreaming up a life
Of free choices, of travel
Hippie-dom, of being chic
Far from bourgeois strife

Yet in a blink my ship has sailed
There's no looking back:
Strangely bridled in my free rein
Unspoken, then cacophonic
Unclear, then vivid
Boundaries forever spring
Lying hopefulness
Of a lost childhood
No longer protects but stings
Truth sometimes bitter
Mostly bland, that once was
Pictured exciting

All this and then some
Part misgivings, part fear:
In their wake, wildly clutching
Frail gossamer strands
Of fragile childish wishes -
Made on falling stars, in evening skies -
For a home just like this one
Somewhere in Neverland.

As evening comes
Yapping pups and I
Return to a home once loved:
As the doors shut
I fall weightless into darkness
Jerk awake, back to my groove

(c) VedicVerses