It's a shame that people don't associate realism with the nobility of the cause. That's why people give up, because it's 'not attainable,' it's not realistic. What if people refused to accept that things don't have to be this way, and that it is realistic to expect and be noble in this world? Perhaps I am being idealistic, but it has carried me a long way.
If people could accept nobility as a cause then my explanation to them of "I want to make a contribution to my race" wouldn't be met with smirks and the nudge nudge wink wink of those who don't believe in idealism. I know all of my reasons but the 'realistic' (or perhaps I should call them capitalistic ;) ones are the only ones that people can understand when I tell them why. They are my reasons too but the lesser important ones - I think I've separated them this way because the noble reasons are the true ones that I can't speak about in public (except to you and the rest of the grove), and the realistic ones are the face I need to show people so they leave me the hell alone about it.
But I agree with you - I love to imagine what sort of world we'd live in if the general public accepted and understood contribution as a reason.
What's even better is when people don't believe that you want to contribute to society, because of the financially lucrative nature of practising law.
It's like "suuuuuuure you want to help people."
How awful and cynical!
The next best reaction is when people just say you're crazy. Which I probably am, but it is totally awesome being crazy.
10:33 AM
Last I dreamed that I was walking down my street (my Mums street now), and was carrying a big pile of study books. The boy who I played with when I was three, and who laughed at me with all his friends when I was 13, was getting something out of his car and I didn't want him to see me with my books and in my jeans so I hid behind the stack of books as I walked past him. I turned into the alley at the end of my street and saw a girl I had been half friendly with in high school, but who treated me like a child because I wasn't interested in boys (after the age of 14, I had given up). She smiled at me in that knowing, parental way as she walked past, and looked very chic with her long blonde hair, big black swoopy sunglasses, and black Hepburnesque shell dress. In the dream I felt very behind, childish and uncool, because she looked rich, happy successful and grown up and I was still in my dumpy old jeans and carrying a pile of schoolbooks.
I woke up and wondered if that's how I would really feel if the situation were real. The truth is, studying to get into medicine means a lot of things. It means confronting a lot, like my own confidence and intelligence, and most importantly, fear of failure which is something I am convinced never goes away, but does get a little easier the more you try and don't fail. It also means facing all those people from MLC, the ones who exist nowhere but in my mind, who glance at each other and then at me, nodding knowingly, because they know I will never get there and smile condescendingly because only a stupid dork like me would think they could do something as grandiose as that when they weren't good enough.
This is not how I feel about myself. This is my memory of those people (who I freely admit no longer exist, and au naturelement no longer think of me at all), but the memory, and the fear remains. If I do this, they will be gone forever. I think it's important to do that in our lives. Force those memories away by proving them wrong.
I can also admit now that in my addition to the more nobler reasons, I want to do medicine because it means I will have an assured future. Money would be the most obvious indicator there, but it's not so much the money. That's just the means to the end. There is obvious career advancement, not that very tight managerial ceiling, and the knowledge that I will have the money to not have to worry about money. And that's all I want really. I dont want a big ostentatious lifestyle! I want a nice big loft in Fitzroy with things that don't break. I want to go to the movies every week and make clothes and paint and all the other million little hobbies that I have but that cost money. I want freedom and while I know that for a good 15 years I will not have the time for that, what I will be working toward is all worth it. Yes I want to treat illness and help people, my interest lies genuinely in such a diverse and challenging field and I could never do something I didn't love but every day my motive solidifies. It's a pity that I didn't decide to do this earlier because I know now that my GAMSAT score wont be enough to secure a place, but as big bro said, it will give me the time to examine my motivations, which is what I am doing already. The noble cause is being replaced by realism and I am happy to say that the reality of my reasoning is strong. When I looked at those sample exams, it's not so much that I couldn't do it, but that I simply hadn't enough experience doing it! It's not something you can exactly study out of a textbook either - knowing all the names of things and how they work is helpful, but the problem solving aspect is huge. I need to understand maths well enough to apply it here.
In other news I need glasses! Hurray! I'm pretty happy about this because my eyesight has deteriorated so badly. The optometrist was concerned because on Monday morning they were fine, and on Thursday night the difference was huge so I have to go back in 6 months or sooner if I notice it getting worse. I have slight astigmatsm, some short sightedness, and a congenital cataract. All in the one eye! At any rate, this makes it incredibly hard for her to prescribe me a pair of glasses that work for everything, but I have been given a prescription for my long distance vision which is nonexistent. When she put the lenses on me I could read signs in the distance!! Yay! I can drive after work again! Gucci frames here I come!
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3 Comments -
It's a shame that people don't associate realism with the nobility of the cause. That's why people give up, because it's 'not attainable,' it's not realistic. What if people refused to accept that things don't have to be this way, and that it is realistic to expect and be noble in this world? Perhaps I am being idealistic, but it has carried me a long way.
10:44 PM
If people could accept nobility as a cause then my explanation to them of "I want to make a contribution to my race" wouldn't be met with smirks and the nudge nudge wink wink of those who don't believe in idealism. I know all of my reasons but the 'realistic' (or perhaps I should call them capitalistic ;) ones are the only ones that people can understand when I tell them why. They are my reasons too but the lesser important ones - I think I've separated them this way because the noble reasons are the true ones that I can't speak about in public (except to you and the rest of the grove), and the realistic ones are the face I need to show people so they leave me the hell alone about it.
But I agree with you - I love to imagine what sort of world we'd live in if the general public accepted and understood contribution as a reason.
8:39 AM
What's even better is when people don't believe that you want to contribute to society, because of the financially lucrative nature of practising law.
It's like "suuuuuuure you want to help people."
How awful and cynical!
The next best reaction is when people just say you're crazy. Which I probably am, but it is totally awesome being crazy.
10:33 AM