Argh my family is so mental, my sis sent me an email and explained that she basically thought I was trying to be mean to her. Why would I? Why does everyone in my family think that everyone else in the family is out to get them?! I told her I loved her and that her and everyone else ragging on how Mum was a terrible parent/didn't say the right things/ruined their lives really gets me down and that I dont want to be around any of them because everyone is so goddamn negative about our family when I think we are FUCKING GREAT has made me absolutely depressed and I can't stand it anymore because I worship Mum (especially after living on my own - how she did it with four kids and didn't up addicted to benzos I dont know. Everyone who says 'it cant have been that bad' HAS NO FUCKING CLUE). I told her that if I could give everyone a traditional Christmas with 2 parents, some nuclear kids and aunts and uncles I would if it would make them come to a proper thing instead of the hashed together sameness held at late night every year. Am I the only person who cares about having a MILLER family Christmas? It's not a dirty word for fucks sake. I'm pretty proud to have the siblings and mother that I do.
Rant rant. Props to my sis for defying the Miller gene and actually contacting me with some kind of explanation. Starting a sentence with "I feel like" really does work. I responded with a 2000 word essay on how great I think she and all our family is, and how everyones combined negativity (non blood relatives included) are decaying our relationship when we've fucking been through enough. We should be stronger not weaker goddammit. Why would any of us think that anyone else is out to get us? Am I the only one who cannot see the logic in this? I guess it's quite normal when we don't see each other much and is bound to get worse but honestly, why would I think ill of my family?! ARGH! Brain exploding!!!
Okay its now 40 minutes later. Raph rang me up and I went on and on about stuff much to his amusement (I think he is quietly and endlessly amused by my continual ranting). He told me some tricks on how to cope with studying and working full time - he did it while working in London, so I bet I can too.
You know, despite how much everything sucks, I really am surrounded by good people. So many people aren't. Joli got me to write out a list of goals tonight which really helped, Raph told me that its okay to do one thing at a time and serp encouraged me. I feel kind of lame that it takes so much support to make me feel better and that I need to be dragged up out of this bad place I am in, but really, guys, all of you, thankyou for the millionth time. I only hope I can do the same one day.
Also today I had an eye test and found out I have a congenital blue dot cataract in one eye which explains my difficulty seeing and sensitivity to light (I thought I was just crap) - Priscilla said she'd never seen anyone so happy to have something wrong with them - but I am happy there is an actual problem and I am not crap!! At any rate, it's unfixable and not particularly serious - they're even reluctant to give me some glasses the fuckers. I always wondered why when I looked at things from a certain angle, I couldn't see the centre of them.
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