It was 1:30 a.m.  I felt the persistent head bump of Hazel telling me that she needed to go outside.  I tried to ignore her, but she wasn’t having any of that.
I peeled myself off the bed and carefully fell away from the bed, tip-toeing out of the room, down the hall and downstairs, three dogs in tow.  I was downstairs for less than a minute when I heard him.  First, he groaned. Then, I heard his feet shuffle across the floor.  And the crying started.
I grabbed a drink and hurried up the dogs so I could run back upstairs.  I hit the landing and saw him down the hall.  He was leaning against the wall, face in his hands, sobbing.  I whispered to him, desperately trying to keep him from waking up everyone, as I hurriedly grabbed him and guided him back to bed. 
“Why did you leave me?” he sobbed.
Oh baby, love, I just took the dogs out.  That’s all.  You’re okay. 
As I cradle him in my arms, he falls back to sleep.
Seth has slept with me for years.  I’m not even sure how long it has been.  He used to sleep in his room… in his bed.  But several years back, he started coming to my room a couple of hours after falling asleep.  And a couple of years after that, he invited himself to sleep with me, full time.
And this is a real thing.  He cannot and will not sleep without me, even when I have to be away for work.  He will sleep with my mom and, sometimes, with a nanny, but for the most part, I have to be home if I want Seth to sleep.  We go to bed together; we get up together.  I sleep early if I want him to go to bed.  I remain frozen in my spot if I want him to sleep in.  A combination of his anxiety plus some legit fears means he’s not going anywhere, any time soon.
Sure, I would love to sleep alone and stretch out my tired bones and sleep without his over-sized 11 year old, five foot two, 100 pound body placed firmly next to me (or on me).  But for now, we are a co-sleeping family, and it is what it is. 
This means I am often rushing home in order to literally put my children to bed, but mostly, to put Seth to bed.  With me. 

Having grace for me and my Seth around this issue is needed and wanted.  It’s not an excuse and it’s not made up.  This is who we are.  This is who Seth is.

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