I realized something over the holidays: I am not an animal. I know that sounds funny, but stay with me. I am fully human, created by God with a complex brain that I will never understand. As a woman, I have the ability to take captive my thoughts (“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ . . . .” 2 Corin. 10:5) and have the un-animal ability to control the wanderings of my over-active brain. I am not an animal. This may sound silly, or like something that you figured out a long time ago, but not me. For me, this realization was life changing. . . . `
In the late fall, after a few tough months, I was nearly out of good books to read. I inquired of a number of my friends about books they recently read, threw in a few others I heard about, and passed those lists along to my fam. Happily, I now have a nice new stack of books to read, and plenty of them will probably end up discussed here! One of the books I picked up is “One Month to Live -- Thirty Days to a Regrets-free Life.” I heard about this one on Moody radio and it fits right into my holiday realization.`
The idea of the book, which I’m a total of five days into (stay tuned), is that some of us might live a little differently if we recognized that we had limited time left – 30 days. This was a subtle part of my realization over the holidays, pre-book. See, there are things in this life that are hard. Really hard. People are hungry and hurting; soldiers are dying; children are parentless; relationships are broken; sickness is everywhere; war abounds; evil grows. There are things in my life that are hard: Seth’s medical challenges and what those mean for him in school and life. His surgeries. My own silly medical stuff. And failed dating relationships. `
If you know me, you know that I’m no stranger to expressing my feelings. I’ve never been good at faking anything. If you want to know how I “really” feel, look at my face (or my sleeve). The answer is right there. BUT (and this is what I’m learning) I do have some control over how long those emotions spin out of control. In the fall, I was grieving a rejection that cut me deeply in addition to having an overly packed medical agenda for Seth and me. I was so sad and I allowed that sadness to steal four months of my life. That is not okay! As I type, nothing has changed in my circumstances – I’m still single without prospects, and Seth and I still have medical challenges ahead. And yet, something has changed. I have uncovered (again) my joy.`
You see, what I learned in December is that I can sit around and think about how I was rejected and why that happened and how it resulted in a tough fall. Or about how my newish car got wrecked and my electricity was popping and (seemingly) prepared to blow up my house on Christmas and how many doctors I have yet to see. Or how hard it is that I’m still single and how it would be better for Seth to have a Daddy and me a partner in crime (ha). OR I can live this life doing the things that I know honor and glorify God and make me happy – all of which result in JOY. For me, that’s adopting God’s children. “Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans.” Isaiah 1:17. There is not one place in my life where I am happier, more fulfilled, and more in the center of God’s will than when I am with my son or when I dream about my future children. Period. Nowhere else. `
If I had thirty days left to live, I would be doing what I’m doing right now. I would love on Seth. I would adopt another child. I would dwell on those things I can’t change a lot less. I would move forward and stop looking back (see Lot’s wife, the pillar of salt). I would live in JOY.`
That’s not an easy undertaking! For about three weeks, I’ve been doing great. I smile more. I laugh easily. I look in the mirror and see someone different. I have hope. And maybe that’s the bottom line. Hope. Hope is forward looking. Hope is expectant. Hope is hopeful. :-) While there is a lot of pain and suffering in this life, I’m choosing to live like there is no tomorrow, because, frankly, there may not be! I’ve taken captive my negative thoughts and I choose not to dwell on the past or on the pain of this world. Sure, life is hard, and I pray my heart continues to break for the things that break God's heart. And yes, there will be more hard times in our family. I will still grieve and cry out and refuse to fake it. That’s just me; and I believe it’s also the way God taught us to experience this life – Fully in the moment, but not stuck in the moment, looking forward with hope to His plan for us. His plan for me. I still have 25 days of the book left to read (there is one chapter per day) and, Lord willing, 60 years of putting into practice my holiday realization. :-)
God help me to keep my eyes on YOU and no one else. Keep me focused. Keep me single-minded. And when I get wrapped up into unhealthy thinking about things that aren’t eternal, help me ask myself, what if you had just thirty days left???