On Sunday, my mom asked me whether I have sent my profile to Adoption Link. Answer? Um, no. It’s sitting on my desk at work – I got it from Shutterfly about ten days ago. As soon as I make some color copies of it, I will send it off so they can start showing it to birth moms. But I hesitate, and I don’t know exactly why. I have a few theories about what’s holding me back, and I don’t like any of them.
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From an early age, we learn to care about what people think of us. As Pastor Todd noted in his sermon yesterday, even his three-year-old son knows that he wants his daddy to be proud of him and praise him and give him the “thumbs up” when he performs well. Does that ever end? For me it hasn’t. For me, I still worry what my colleagues, friends, family, and, yes, at times, even strangers, think of me. That’s irritating! I ask myself, “What does it matter what they think?!?” when there is really only One opinion that matters:
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“But now, this is what the LORD says—He who created you, O Jacob, he who has formed you, O Israel: ‘Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.’” Isaiah 43:1
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“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” Jer. 1:5
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“In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” 1 John 4:9-11
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I unfortunately think that one of the reasons I’m hesitating to send in my profile and really get moving is because, “What will people think?” Gasp Apparently, I have not completely worked through my feelings on this point. Two close friends, who I love a ton and respect even more, have expressed their “concern” about another adoption. And I put concern in quotes because it is a soft concern – more questions than anything else. Jen says it is hard to raise children, much less two children (or more). She’s right about that. Wendy says she worries about my desire to be married and questions what another child does to that mix. Me too. Sigh.
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I care what my Village of Encouragement says to me. And I think I should. (“The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.” Proverbs 12:15). I’m equally sure I shouldn’t get too wrapped up into what other people outside of my Village think about my decisions. But honestly, I care what people think. I care if you think I’m nuts and that this decision means I will be single forever. I care if a stranger concludes I must have a “partner” (as opposed to a husband) since I’m not married and have children. Ouch. I care if my colleagues think I’m crazy to have one, much less two, kids alone, while practicing full-time. I care. Theory number one: Too worried about what people think. What do you think?
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About three days after our home study was complete I got a call from Noreen, the social worker who works with birth moms and who first placed Seth into my arms. I assumed she was calling about more paperwork or information she needed. Nope. She was calling because she has a baby to place. A mom who is due to give birth in two weeks and does not want to choose the adoptive family. A mom with a baby who is going to have a lot of needs, at least initially. Did I want this baby? I panicked. I told Noreen that I needed to think (read: pray) and would call her back. At that point, I hadn’t even told my firm that I was in the adoption process, much less that I could be out for five months starting in two weeks. So I said no to this baby. [Note: To those who believe domestic adoption is fraught with endless waiting I say, um, how does three days suit ya? :-)]
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Enter theory number two: I’m hesitating because it’s not time. Timing is always a tough question. In this case, I am certain that Seth will not be my only child. Certain. But is now the time to move forward with a second? I guess I’m not sure. I want it to be. I want to hold that next baby as soon as possible! But then, the hesitation. And in trying to figure out where that comes from, I wonder if it’s a timing thing. “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Prov. 3:5-6. HE will make MY paths straight. I know that He is the Lord of the timing of my decisions, my life and my paths; and that’s what I’m seeking right now. Direction for my path. Confirmation, or a flashing yellow light. And I’m believing God will answer my requests for direction.
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So, one minute I’m counting the seconds until I can be a mom again and in the next moment, I’m wondering if I’m nuts. One minute I’m looking forward with great anticipation and the next, panicking because something feels “off.” My number three theory, then, is no surprise.
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I’m confused, and it is not clear to me what that confusion means. I believe scripture that says God is not a God of confusion. 1 Corin. 14:33 (“For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints.”). Yes, I believe that. However, and this is a big one, I think that verse is a little over-used. Modern day thinking on the verse goes like this: I'm facing a situation that makes me confused. The situation must not be from God. I flee the situation and my confusion ends. Problem solved. Hmm. Maybe that's right but maybe not (assuming the confusion is not about something God's Word prohibits). `This might be more right thinking: If you read the verse in context, it falls in a chapter discussing speaking in tongues and the interpretation of tongues. So, God says, He is not the author of confusion that could come from speaking in tongues without interpretation. That makes sense. Second, many Bible translations use the word “disorder” in place of confusion in the text. Disorder, in this context, means something very different than confusion as we use it. Hearing "disorder" makes me think of outwardly organization that has gone awry. Disorder from the speaking of tongues without interpretation. The word confusion could be used in that same sense, but I wouldn’t have thought of it without the alternate translation. “Disorder/confusion” changes the meaning of the text a lot, and I’m not sure we would colloquially use the verse the way we do if we considered the context and alternate translation of the original text.
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Most importantly, though, the verse says that God is not the author of confusion. Ok. That makes sense too. God doesn’t create the confusion; He may allow it, but He brings peace, not confusion. Here’s how I think that idea might play out in my situation: I believe God called me to adopt. I’ve done so once and will do so again. I hope my adoption(s) glorify God. I would like to adopt again, now, but I feel hesitant, confused. Does that mean I shouldn’t adopt? Maybe. But, equally, maybe not. See, my confusion could be for many different reasons, because God is not the author of it. I could be confused because the enemy is trying to wreak havoc on God’s perfect will for my life. I could be confused because my own feelings of overwhelmed-ness are clouding my vision. I could be confused because my fears about never being married are marring the picture God has for me. I could be confused because I’m coming off a stressful Fall and my thinking is muddied. I could be confused because work is stressful, or our nanny is nervous, or Seth is two and good at it, or I’m tired, or, or, or . . . . Need I go on? There is a lot of ME in confusion. So, I decline to conclude that because I’m confused it means that adopting a child now is wrong. What I think it does mean is that I need to spend more time in prayer so I can hear God and listen to my heart, hopes, fears, and that still-small-voice. Speak Holy Spirit!
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That’s a lot of rambling to get to this point: Will you pray with me that God would lead my decision-making and bring peace to this decision, particularly as to timing? Maybe my hesitation on timing gives me some time to work through my concerns about what people will think. Once that's resolved, the confusion will be gone and I’ll be off to the races. Three theories resolved and baby bumpkin on the way. Yippee! Thanks for standing in the gap with me!`"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5