Ok, so I literally RAN to work today from the train station. I often write my blogs on the train. Most of what I write comes to me when I'm sleeping, and then while I'm riding to work, I simply email it to myself and paste it here when I get in. Same thing often happens on the train ride home. What happened last night and today is, in my view, completely miraculous. Excited yet??? :)`Let me start from the beginning. I met with Adoption Link on December 28 to re-up my home study and get the adoption process rolling. I had a quick second meeting with them a week later. Home study, done. As I mentioned in an earlier post, I got a call from Noreen about three days later, asking me about a placement, which I declined. What I didn't write at the time was that the child she called about was going to have a lot of special needs. Noreen told me the baby's mother had been using cocaine throughout the pregnancy, smoking, and maybe drinking. She is also a prostitute who could be carrying diseases passed to the baby. `After that call from Noreen, I found myself talking to God a lot about what this next baby "should" be like. That didn't include any special needs. I also thought to myself that I would decline any babies that might have needs and wait for the "normal" child. Hmmm.....`Fast forward to January 11, when I had that remarkable call from God to pray for Seth. I shared in my posting the following day that I felt led to pray for Seth's complete healing. What I didn't share is that while I was praying for Seth's healing, God asked me over and over, "Isn't Seth enough?" "Why isn't Seth enough?" "Seth is enough." "Seth is enough." I didn't know what to make of that at the time, but as I sat on it over the following weeks, I accepted that God was telling me one child is "enough" because I wasn't sure how else to understand it. Hmmm.....`Last night I started a season of prayer to God about the "no" I heard related to this second adoption. I decided that, like Moses in Exodus 32, I could pray for God to change His "mind". That strikes me as odd. Does it you as well? That God wanted to smite the Israelites for their so-called rubber necks, more specifically what I would call faithlessness, and instead, Moses cried out for them, reminded God of His promises, and God relented. Wow! That's one of the most amazing stories in the Bible. It demonstrates the power of prayer even when God first gives a different answer! Anyway, I began to pray.....`
As I talked to God about my hopes for more children and His promises to give me the desires of my heart (more on that later) and his command to care for orphans, interestingly, what I did not hear was the "no" I've been hearing. Instead God and I ended up talking about Seth's special needs and the potential special needs of a second child. More specifically, God pointed out to me in a clear way that I'm really afraid of having another child who has needs equal to or even greater than Seth. What I spend my time hoping and praying for is a completely normal child like one of my sister's kids. (Sorry, Lisa. Easy target....)`
That's certainly not where I thought those prayers were going to lead last night. But (okay, sometimes I like that word) it reminded me in a very real way that God might be preparing me for something that needs more time to grow in me. Whether I want to admit it or not, I have some ideas about what my family "should" look like and those ideas aren't from God. See, when Noreen called about that first baby, it was pretty easy for me to look at that baby (figuratively) and say NO. But that baby, like all other orphans, needs a home too. Who is going to be the mother to the drug addicted? Who will parent the disabled? Who will love the baby with AIDS? Maybe, just maybe, God needs to work on my heart a little more before He allows me to proceed into this second adoption. `THEN (this is the really cool part), I was riding on the train this morning, writing this blog, when it hit me. (Maybe it's more obvious to you . . . .) Just look at how all of this unfolded. The home study. The call about a baby I "couldn't" (wouldn't) accept. God telling me that Seth is "enough". Hmmm. Seth is enough. Seth is enough. That's it! Seth with all of his glorious and, at times, painful issues is ENOUGH! That is, as I've blogged about before, God and I are in this parenting thing together and whatever issues come up, we can handle them. If God gives me another special needs child, OKAY. If God gives me a VERY special needs child? OKAY! See maybe God isn't saying no to this adoption after all, but is working on me and my heart to understand that Seth is enough, with his issues, and the next baby will also be enough no matter what comes.`Phew! God is really working on me, again. And we have more work to do. I'm resisting the temptation to call Noreen today and throw my profile in the mix because over the weekend, God and I agreed that I would pray through February (and beyond) about the question of my next child. I covet your prayers now more than ever. If I can single out my adoptive family friends for a second . . . . Carissa, Katie and Sasha. You bless me over and over with your words and your prayers. Please keep praying for me, like Moses prayed, and I will continue to pray for you and your families everyday. Thank you for doing this thing called life with Seth and me. Love you guys. Bottom line? God is enough. For everything.`"Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to HIM be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever Amen." Ephesians 3:20