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...or maybe it's the other way around.

25 [34] years and my life is still
Trying to get up that great big hill of hope
For a destination
I realized quickly when I knew I should
That the world was made up of this
Brotherhood of man
For whatever that means
And so I cry sometimes when I'm lying in bed
Just to get it all out what's in my head
And I'm, I am feeling a little peculiar
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin' on.

Several years ago a friend made fun of me for liking 4 Non-Blondes. This same friend recently told me that I think way too much and I should just play more video games. I wanted to slap him on both accounts.

And so, my existential crisis trudges on.

Someone once asked me, in response to my ill-formed grumblings about existentialism, "What if someone just gave you all the answers? What would you do then?" I've given lots of thought to that and I've come to the conclusion that I can't even begin to consider the ANSWERS because I've been on a life long quest for what the QUESTIONS are.

Earlier this summer I started reading a philosophy primer because I felt woefully unschooled in the art of thought. It was interesting stuff and I was suprised at what I actually already knew. But I don't think it really helped. If anything, it made me angry.

And then an acquaintence (who happens to be a very old soul in a young body) recommended the book Is Belief in God Good, Bad or Irrelevant?: A Professor And a Punk Rocker Discuss Science, Religion, Naturalism & Christianity. It is mostly comprised of an email correspondence between Preston Jones, a professor at a Christian college, and Greg Graffin, the lead singer of Bad Religion.

I won't say this was a life changing read or anything but it was very good and got me to thinking about a lot. Again, I was suprised at the concepts I already "knew" or had already considered that came out of their discussions.

And so I revisited some of my previous notions and considerations about Buddhism and the existence of God and what "consciousness" means. I feel like I have built on my earlier personal understanding and experience but, sadly, am no closer to any questions, much less answers.

Nothing seems to resonate with me as far as belief goes and, in fact, as I learned listening to an interview with Dr. Raymond Moody (the near death experience guy), I think I am a skeptic in the true sense since I have suspended coming to any conclusions. Unfortunately, while lack of conclusion seems to delight Dr. Moody, it makes me feel very unsettled.

I guess I desperately want to believe in something.

I also researched naturalism as a theory and came across Naturalism.org, as well as some articles, a podcast and a video lecture by Tom Clark (head of the Center for Naturalism). The podcast led to more podcasts at Skeptiko, a site concerning controversial science headed up by Alex Tsakiris.

I like naturalism as a theory... it seems more open and less dogmatic than materialism (which depresses me beyond belief) but there is so much I can't wrap my mind around or resolve my personal beliefs with (or lack thereof). The idea that there is no higher power is both comforting and bleak. The idea that we have no contra-causal free will is also comforting, yet also annoyingly confounding. Determinism makes me very uncomfortable.

Screw the video games. I think I need to think less and knit more.