Current Weight: 165.8 lbs.

On the morning of December 31, I delicately stepped atop our electronic scale for the first time since Christmas Day. In the six days since December 25, I'd been on a steady diet of red meat, fried foods and a half-dozen "I'll eat better tomorrow" rationalizations at the end of each evening.

Much to my surprise, I'd more or less held on to my pre-holiday weight. As luck would have it, I'd scheduled a haircut for New Year's Eve AM. (I know, I know…but, I had to look good for my date with our LCD TV and the "Rocky" marathon on Versus that would ring in the New Year!) Anyways, while making my usual post-barbershop drive west on El Cajon Boulevard – admiring the brazen, broad-daylight depravity of high-noon hookers interspersed between the liquor stores and Hoover High School – an unusual sign caught my eye.

"Angry" Whopper? Did the Republican Party let their 15-year lease on that adjective lapse? If so, "real" America's loss is the rest of America's gain!

This latest BK gimmick includes pepper jack cheese, spicy fried onions, sliced jalapeños and a kickin' little "angry sauce" stacked high above the familiar flame-broiled piece o' King meat with lettuce, tomatoes and bacon.

My friends – in these tough economic times, it's my sincere hope that all of you can scrape together the $3.99 it'll take to show the Hamburger King that they must IMMEDIATELY lift the "for a limited time only" appellation and promote this glorious ode to gluttony to full-time menu status.

If I were some hack blogger looking for mainstream acceptance, yet too lazy to rise above trite soundbites, I'd say the Angry Whopper is the perfect combination of heat and meat, people. Everything – and, damn it, I mean everything – works here right down to the way mine exploded under the weight of all the pissed-off toppings by the end.

Oddly enough, I couldn't find much information about this bad boy online. It doesn't appear on Burger King's website, there's no self-important press release to announce the Angry Whopper to the world (as is common with pretty much every other menu item cranked out from every other fast food conglomerate) and the only commercial I could find is this one from Germany:



If the Angry Whopper ain't in your area, think of this post as the start of my grass-roots efforts to fill your bellies…with bad-ass! Y'know, on second thought, scratch that "perfect combination of heat and meat" line and go with the "bad-ass" soundbite, instead. If that doesn't get me noticed, nothing will.

Grade: 500 (out of 5)

UPDATE!

From m'man Smitty:

Did you know about the Burger King body spray cologne?

I did not know about this. In unrelated news, my birthday is March 30!