Current Weight: 168.8 lbs.

When Mrs. Bootleg was pregnant with Jalen, she experienced some truly bizarre cravings. There was the time she came home from the store with a bag of 120 frozen fish sticks and a mason jar of tartar sauce. The next morning, she told me the craving had passed without her ever eating a single stick o' fish.

Another time, she sent me to McDonald's for a supersized order of french fries without salt. Not only was I forced to idle my car for 10 minutes in the segregated "drive-thru parking for inconvenient orders" section, but after one bite, Mrs. Bootleg realized what everyone else on earth already knew: a fry without salt is a crime against humanity.

And, then there was Subway. Mrs. Bootleg's six-inch turkey and provolone on wheat with "just a little bit" of mayonnaise and mustard, lettuce, onions, oil n' vinegar and salt n' pepper is forever burned into my brain. Regardless of whether you love or hate Subway, no one can deny the chain's nationwide popularity. All day long, their employees are preparing made-to-order sandwiches based on the unique preferences of each and every customer.

After just a handful of visits, the kids behind the counter at our local Subway had Mrs. Bootleg's "usual" committed to memory.

I once went three times for her in a single day.

I do not take pride in this.

The wife eventually OD'd on Subway. And, when Mrs. Bootleg is turned off on something, she never EVER goes back. Consequently, she's inadvertently turned Subway into my private lil' smack snack habit.

I do not dare bring a Subway sandwich home. This would lead to the wife openly wondering why I didn't make two stops so that she could be enjoying a hastily prepared non-nutritious meal, as well. As everyone knows, the "two fast food stops" benefit is only applicable to girlfriends (0 – 12 months of tenure)…not wives.

So, I can only eat at Subway whenever the wife's not around. Once or twice a month, I'll bring a sandwich back to the office on my lunch hour. I've been wolfing down their Orchard Chicken Salad sandwiches, recently, so I was pleased to see the chain's latest limited-time-only menu item was a low-fat Buffalo Chicken sandwich.


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As always, my condiments of choice were lettuce, tomato, onions and salt n' pepper on 12 inches of white bread. I opted for a drizzling of low-fat ranch, too. (I know, I know, but I've never seen anything resembling blue cheese dressing anywhere inside a Subway.)

The chicken was coated in the most psychedelically-colored red sauce I've ever seen. On the "that sh*t might kill me" meter, it's a solid second behind this bit of red death. In actuality, the sauce tasted like one of those bad Frank's Red Hot knockoffs cut with ten gallons of tap water. The low-fat ranch dressing was even worse: runny with a sour aftertaste.

The sum of its parts was bland, forgettable and nowhere near "Buffalo".

Grade: -5 (out of 5) Calories (six-inch): 370; Fat: 7g