it goes by so quickly and when you get to my age you wish you could go back and relive that time because it really is SO incredible. nice discussion heather.
3:53 AM
Rita said...
Ah yes, how to find ourselves in the middle of kids and husband. I too have struggled with this. I am finally realizing that raising children and being a wife IS a big part of who I am, part of my identity. Not all of it, of course, but a big part. I still need "me" time where I can just be, but I like that I am finally okay with the fact that my place in the world includes my (and my husband's) children and grandchildren. It's a very good place to be and for me it's been a process of gradual acceptance of "This is who I am." It's not my total identity, but a lot. Acceptance is important because being a parent doesn't stop when the kids leave home, believe me, they will always be a part of you and you them. And by the way, Heather, you are doing an EXCELLENT job with your kids. It is very obvious that they are loved and nourished and are well on their way to becoming independent responsible adults. I was struck with that thought when we were there this last time. Pretty awesome accomplishment!
Great post, Heather, and I did read the Momastery blog post as well. Now that my youngest is in school full day like the other three, I do have to say it's easier to enjoy the moments with them...even the not so great ones. When you're at home with them and there is now lunch break, no one to take over for a little bit so you can regroup, you do find yourself asking, "What am I doing?!?!?!" But I have also read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and I love how she breaks down her research and tries to find her own happiness. One of her points that stays with me is not everything that will bring you happiness will make you happy all the time. She gives the example of college...I don't know anyone who ever said that they regretted getting their college degree...and people are usually pretty happy on graduation day but everyday before that might not have been happy days...the studying for finals, the late nights, the term papers, the research...and yet when you are finally finished and you are standing at graduation...you are happy. I think that's the same thing about this whole parenthood thing as well. Everyday may not be great but when your kids come home with that glowing report card, or their coach goes out of their way to tell you that you have a great kid, or a teacher takes the time out to write a thank you and add how wonderful your kid is...well that makes me happy and makes all those *bad* days worth it.
I completely relate to everything you've said. I actually got lost in A Inch of Gray for a couple of hours one night two months ago, and that did help with perspective, but only for that week. It's hard in the day to day living. And my 10 year old called me a butthole tonight. Sure hard to think about this being such a great time. Anyhow, just had to reply because your post totally touched several cords with me.
12:27 AM
Today several of my friends linked to Momastery's recent post on parenting. If you happen to be a parent, you should take a minute and read it. When I finished reading it, I felt like she could have pulled that straight out of my head because that's exactly what I've been thinking (only it was quite a bit less eloquent in my head).
I've had Momastery's blog in my blog roll for a few years because one of my friends told me about her. In fact, I believe they're friends in real life. (Or I could be completely confused about that friends in real life part. That's also highly likely.) Anyway, like I was saying, Momastery has been on my blog roll for a few years so it was kind of random when three different Facebook friend linked to that post today because up until then, I sort of felt like Momastery was my private thing...well...private to me and our mutual real life friend (or not).
The post struck a chord. I've been in a weird place trying to figure out how to be me, in the midst of being a mom and a wife. Plus I'm feeling some sort of middle-aged thing going on. I suppose technically I'm not middle-aged, but that's what it feels like because it feels very much like I'm between things. So I'm trying to figure it all out. How can I be a good parent and a good wife but still be me? Where's the appropriate balance? And how do I find my way there without feeling guilty about claiming that for myself?
This particular chapter in my life started in October of 2002. I found out that I was pregnant. Somewhere between that moment and the following July, when my son arrived, I became a mommy. By the time I laid eyes upon my son, I already loved him with an overflowing heart. I loved every perfect detail...because in my eyes, of course every detail *was* perfect. I didn't even know him, but I loved him with an intensity that was overwhelming.
Before he turned six, our household had grown to include three wonderful little girls. After each of their births, I was amazed yet again by that magical love that you can feel for someone you don't even know yet. I would admire their perfect little mouths and hands and toes. I would marvel upon these amazing little people who were mixtures of my husband and myself. With perfect clarity I can remember holding each of them in those first few hours after their birth. And yet, those early years of parenthood are a blur. I had four young children and it was all I could do to survive the day. The days that felt successful were the days I managed to entertain the kids long enough to wash the dishes or pay some bills or fold some laundry or sweep the floors or some combination of the millions of things that mommies do. And now, nine years later, after so many years of trying to tune the kids out, I don't quite know how to tune them back in.
It scares me a little...okay, it scares me a lot. Every time someone tells me that these are the best years of my life I think "Oh crap! Is this seriously the highlight?" followed closely by, "What the heck am I doing wrong if I'm supposed to be enjoying this?!" I try to remind myself to enjoy this special time of my life because I KNOW that some day I'll look back on it and miss it. I've been informed. But it really doesn't work. Oh sure, I could live in the moment and skip the chores but it *would* catch up with me. Even if it's nothing more than a grumpy husband who's annoyed at the mess, I'm telling you, it *will* catch up with you. There's no escaping the responsibility of being a parent.
I think we can all agree that we're going to love these little beings to a degree that we never knew possible. And it's totally amazing. Plus they kind of look like mommy, they kind of look like daddy, which of course makes them pretty much the cutest thing ever. And they say all the stuff you say, but in cute little kid ways which makes it absolutely adorable. Yep, they are cute to the nth degree.
But what you don't quite realize at first is that they're like giant tethers. You won't be able to leave the house because a) it's a pain in the butt or b) it costs too much money. Okay, I may have over simplified things a bit. But it is kind of true. Kids require that you be very responsible, and as we all know, being responsible is NOT exactly what comes to mind when you're trying to have a good time.
I don't enjoy taking my kids to their various activities but I do
it because I love them. If I didn't have to feed my kids, I would probably skip dinner as often as not. I certainly never
feel like doing the dishes. I don't like helping them with their
homework. I absolutely detest resolving their squabbles. I do not enjoy
picking up after them. It breaks my heart to watch them struggle with
friendships and social missteps. I could go on and on listing all the
"parental baggage" that I get bogged down with every day. And I don't
feel bad admitting that to you. Why should I?! Who *would* enjoy that
stuff?! Why should I feel guilty for not enjoying it?
Am I enjoying my
three year-old sitting on my lap right at this very moment...moving my mouse around and
occasionally making this screen disappear? Kind of, actually. I really
do love her a lot and she is pretty cute. Her hair is soft and smells sweet. Plus it's kind of funny that I'm sitting here complaining about parenting but since she can't read she has no idea. I've
kissed the back of her head several times and played several rounds of
"Mommy, close your eyes" so I'm pretty sure she has no clue that she's actually driving me a little crazy.
I guess the trick is figuring out how to enjoy them. I love them and I know that they're totally awesome, but somehow I need to figure out how to just chill out and have fun with them. (And not just from behind my camera either!) So I think that's priority #1 for this year.
And in the meantime, my back up plan is this blog. Years from now, when these days have become fuzzy memories and I start to feel nostalgic about the years gone by, I'll pull up these blog posts and remind myself of how much work these years were! And then I'll sit right back down in that rocking chair on my porch and enjoy the peace and quiet while I read another chapter on my Kindle.
Post script
As I sat here reflecting about this post and poking around online, I ended up at An Inch of Gray. I read this post which eventually lead me to the post about Jack's tragic death. The crazy thing is that I suddenly realized this must be someone who lives in this area because I remembered reading about this story back when it happened. Suddenly everything I'd been thinking about the misery of parenting sounded very trite. I'm no longer feeling lighthearted and sarcastic. I've lost interest in trying to "pull it all together".
I do hope to find a better balance in my life. But as much as I beat myself up about my failures as a parent, there's one thing that I can unequivocally pat myself on the back for. All four of my children know that they are loved beyond measure. They are confident, joyful children who feel comfortable being their quirky selves. And for that I am humbled and grateful.
"Parental Guilt"
5 Comments -
Personally, I think being a Mom is just one big, huge, giant guilt-trip.
But oh so worth it :)
I don't think you can ever have it all figured out. Just love them.
Really great post, hon.
11:19 PM
it goes by so quickly and when you get to my age you wish you could go back and relive that time because it really is SO incredible. nice discussion heather.
3:53 AM
Ah yes, how to find ourselves in the middle of kids and husband. I too have struggled with this. I am finally realizing that raising children and being a wife IS a big part of who I am, part of my identity. Not all of it, of course, but a big part. I still need "me" time where I can just be, but I like that I am finally okay with the fact that my place in the world includes my (and my husband's) children and grandchildren. It's a very good place to be and for me it's been a process of gradual acceptance of "This is who I am." It's not my total identity, but a lot. Acceptance is important because being a parent doesn't stop when the kids leave home, believe me, they will always be a part of you and you them.
And by the way, Heather, you are doing an EXCELLENT job with your kids. It is very obvious that they are loved and nourished and are well on their way to becoming independent responsible adults. I was struck with that thought when we were there this last time. Pretty awesome accomplishment!
7:08 PM
Great post, Heather, and I did read the Momastery blog post as well. Now that my youngest is in school full day like the other three, I do have to say it's easier to enjoy the moments with them...even the not so great ones. When you're at home with them and there is now lunch break, no one to take over for a little bit so you can regroup, you do find yourself asking, "What am I doing?!?!?!" But I have also read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin and I love how she breaks down her research and tries to find her own happiness. One of her points that stays with me is not everything that will bring you happiness will make you happy all the time. She gives the example of college...I don't know anyone who ever said that they regretted getting their college degree...and people are usually pretty happy on graduation day but everyday before that might not have been happy days...the studying for finals, the late nights, the term papers, the research...and yet when you are finally finished and you are standing at graduation...you are happy. I think that's the same thing about this whole parenthood thing as well. Everyday may not be great but when your kids come home with that glowing report card, or their coach goes out of their way to tell you that you have a great kid, or a teacher takes the time out to write a thank you and add how wonderful your kid is...well that makes me happy and makes all those *bad* days worth it.
11:21 AM
I completely relate to everything you've said. I actually got lost in A Inch of Gray for a couple of hours one night two months ago, and that did help with perspective, but only for that week. It's hard in the day to day living. And my 10 year old called me a butthole tonight. Sure hard to think about this being such a great time. Anyhow, just had to reply because your post totally touched several cords with me.
12:27 AM