Post a Comment On: heather engen

This morning I wandered over to Buried with Children and read this post. It was exactly what I needed to read this morning. It also prompted me to get off my butt and finally write this post that I meant to write since Monday.  (Hmm...I guess technically it prompted me to get ON my butt in my chair in front of the computer but I think you knew what I meant.)

On Monday I was feeling very introspective about parenting. I even had an epiphany. It suddenly occurred to me that I'm always focused on all the crappy things I do as a parent and I don't give myself enough credit for the good stuff I do. Am I the only person for whom this was a ground-breaking revelation? I stress that I'm not feeding the kids healthy enough meals. I stress that I'm not giving them opportunity to play organized sports. I stress that I don't do enough crafts with them at home. I stress that I let them watch too much TV in the car. I stress about the times when I yell at them a little too easily. I stress that I don't seem to be able to bathe them as often as I intend. I stress that I forget to have them brush their teeth. I stress about this. I stress about that.

That's what I focus on - all the ways that I'm messing up. Why do I do this to myself?

I think I've mentioned before that I was an awesome babysitter. And I knew it. Presumably this is why I assumed I would be an awesome mom. I loved kids. I was good with kids. What else is there to it?

Ha! That's what I have to say about that. Ha!

Parenting isn't exactly what I expected it to be. I do love my kids and it is pretty awesome when the baby spots me across the house and comes running towards me with her arms out shouting, "My mommy! My mommy!"  But it's also darn hard...and exhausting...and frustrating...and hard.  Did I mention hard? Yeah, definitely pretty hard.

Here are some things I've learned about parenting:

1. It's hard to maintain enthusiasm and stamina for something when you do it around the clock. I consider myself one of the lucky ones because my kids are pretty good sleepers. We put them to bed sometime around 7pm, they're frequently asleep by 8pm and they don't wake up until about 7am the next morning. I think of that wonderful window of time between 7pm and 7am as ME time.

Unfortunately I do have to sleep during that time. And there are a lot of chores around the house waiting to be done. Sometimes I have to run to the store for groceries or a birthday present or a teacher appreciation gift.

As it turns out, ME time isn't all it's cracked up to be.

It gets worse. It's particularly hard to maintain enthusiasm and stamina for something - anything - when you're sick. And guess what?! This job does not include sick days. You just have to suck it up and try to make sure that you don't throw up in the minivan when it's your turn to drive carpool.

2. It's really hard to be consistent. I knew that when you're a parent, you must follow through on your threats. But what I didn't know then, is that your brain pretty much stops functioning once you become a parent. For example, you put your four year-old daughter on time out for four minutes - one minute for every year of age. Four minutes go by and amazingly enough, you didn't have to reset the timer once because she actually sat there like she was supposed to. You sit down next to her and ask "What did you do wrong?"  Meanwhile in your head you're thinking "Crap! I hope she remembers because I definitely do not." (Yes, that absolutely has happened to me. More than once.)

In light of the fact that I have minimal brain power, how on earth am I supposed to remember what I did last week when this same exact situation presented itself? How am I supposed to remember whose turn it is to go first? How am I supposed to remember what I just threatened two minutes ago?

3. It's difficult to hear what your children are saying. I'll admit that I may have a slightly skewed perception of reality with a six year-old, a five year-old, a four year-old and a two year-old but my experience is that kids are pretty loud. In my household there's pretty much a constant drone of "She pushed me! I don't want to! He's being mean to me! I need a drink! Where's my doll? I don't like that! I need to be wiped! She called me 'poopy-head'."

Your brain does this amazing thing where it totally tunes that out and suddenly YOUR quiet is many decibels above another person's quiet. I'll be driving down the road totally immersed in my thoughts when I suddenly HEAR my four year-old is crying because her sister punched her...and has been crying about it for two minutes.

Or worse, you're at a park and another mom has to point out to you that your child is bleeding. (Fortunately that one hasn't happened to me...yet. Similar things *have* happened though.)

I feel guilty about tuning them out but I'm pretty sure that's just a survival mechanism...some sort of micro evolution.  It's a good thing this parenting gig is relatively short-lived otherwise my ears might just go ahead and fall right off. In fact, maybe that's exactly why we go deaf as we age. It's just evolution at work.

4. It's tricky to get your kids to help out. Here's my rule of thumb: getting your kids to do something productive requires at least twenty times the effort on your part, that it would take to just do the job yourself.  It's far easier to take the lazy way out and not bother trying to get them to help. And trust me, reward charts are an administrative nightmare. I have yet to find one that I can stick to. It's not the kids that are the problem, it's totally me. I'll admit it. I just don't have the energy for it.

Kidding aside, I wish I could see myself for what I am. I know I'm doing the best I can. Why can't I allow myself to be a work in progress? I was going to say "a work in progress like the kids" but then realized that perhaps that's part of my problem. I struggle to allow them to be works in progress sometimes too.

A wise person suggested that I sit down with my husband and that we figure out our "tier of discipline". She suggested that we figure out how our discipline should escalate and what offenses deserve what punishment, et cetera.  I think this is a great idea. This way our punishments will be consistent between the two of us. And most importantly, when I get to FIVE and need to discipline, maybe my mind won't draw a complete blank as to what should happen next.