Post a Comment On: heather engen

For many years I looked forward with anticipation to the day when all my children would be in school. It would mean no more preschool payments. It would mean no more schlepping them to and from preschool. It would mean no more trying to coordinate preschool hours with bus stop times. It would mean no more last minute grocery runs to provide snack for the preschool class.  It would mean a slightly bigger window of free time than I had ever had before.  These are some of the reasons it was a milestone I eagerly awaited. The day arrived and unlike so many mothers sending their youngest off to kindergarten, I didn’t feel an iota of melancholy about it.  She was ready. I was ready.
The school year has flown by.  There’s just over a month of school left.  Now, suddenly, I’m feeling nostalgic.  Frequently I find myself staring at that little girl, shocked to see that she has somehow turned into a big girl.  Her legs are long and lean. She’s losing that round baby face. Yesterday we drove down to the bus stop in the rain, and while we waited for the bus she read to me from the back seat. Again I found myself staring at her and thinking, “Where did this big girl come from?”
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When I was a young girl, I always dreamed of going to college and what I would do and how fantastic it would be. That was the pinnacle. Luckily for me, those four years lived up to my high expectations. At the last minute I opted for a college close to home but I made great friends and had a blast. My sophomore year I went abroad to France and those memories are everything I ever hoped they would be. My junior year was back with my old friends and new friends and it was just as great as all the previous years.  My senior year I changed schools and again, I loved it.  College was definitely a high point for me. But after I finished, I remember feeling that I had made it into uncharted territory. I had never really imagined life after college.  I mean, of course I had planned for a career and I had vague ideas about a husband and children but I didn't have a clear picture of what might come next.  That is exactly what I’m feeling now. 

When the children were younger, I would always imagine how great it was going to be when my kids were all in school and I would finally have some time to myself. This September it’s happening. All my children will be in school for a full day.  I will have seven and half hours every weekday to do things without them. But I never had a clear picture of what the future would look like. Will I go back to work*?  Will I become an exercise fiend? Will I increase my volunteer hours at the school? Will I revisit my many hobbies that have fallen by the wayside these last few years?  I’m not sure. But the more I think about how quickly time has marched me to this place, the more I know that I’m no longer eager for any future milestones. Hopefully those daily seven and a half hours of quiet will give me the rejuvenation I need to be able to slow down and enjoy this process.

*I just couldn't let that sentence go without commenting on it.  It pains me to use that turn of phrase because of course these past nine years of "not working" have been a ton of work. I just wasn’t getting paid to do it. But I digress.