I don't think relationships have a need to be complicated all the time, or even most of the time, but I know for a fact that things can happen that *do* make things complicated and that it *does* require work or effort, in those instances, to move forward. The alternative is to not move forward, and that's just no kind of alternative in which I have any interest!
That said, there are things in life that *are* worth the effort, and I think marriage and parenthood are VERY worth the effort, and VERY worth working through the complications that come up.
Overall, I find both marriage and parenthood to be easy, but there have absolutely been times when "hard work" was an understatement, but I've never regretted having made the effort.
June 9, 2010 at 10:39 PM
Anonymous said...
Thanks for sharing, Pam! You have inspired me to bare my own soul too! http://craftgirl78.livejournal.com/2868.html
Nice to see you are in a good place in your life and that all the yuck is gone from the past.
I had to let go of a few friendships from my past quite a number of years ago...and it was like a cleansing, something I really needed to do for my own mental health.
Craftgrl78-Thank you so much for sharing on your blog. You made me cry!
Kym-I have had to let those kind of relationships go too and at the time it was rough but in the end it was freeing.
Glenda-I totally get where you are coming from. I think I should be clearer on what I mean by complicated.I don't think as bumps in the road of a relationship as complicated. Those definitely help you grow. I'm thinking more of losing yourself or when people say, "Our relationship is so complicated." thinking that it is always work. Of course problems are gonna come up and if you are in a healthy relationship it will work out but if all you do is work at not stepping on eggshells or you lose yourself trying to make that person happy-that's the yucky stuff I'm thinking of. Good Lord, now I wrote a book. ;)
Yippee for leaps :) I took a leap & asked out a guy...he leaped back & said yes to this odd girl who had the guts to ask (little did he know said guts felt all wrenching when asking).....we had our 9th anniversary yesterday :) And without work. The only "work" is finding time to go out alone...and I don't think that's the kind of work people talk about :)
I'm with you - if it's right, it shouldn't take much work, especially in the beginning. Sure, there are ups & downs, and people will have to consider the other person's feelings, wants and needs (is that 'work,' really?). What I would have considered "work" before I met my beau is now just me tripping all over myself to find ways to make him happy, and he does the same for me... is that "work?" :)
I'm with you completely. I have my version of OMP from a HUGE leap of faith.
I agree that a relationship doesn't need to be complicated but what it does require is vigilance to make sure that we are mindful of our partner's needs or wants. I think some people in today's society confuse complexity with vigilance due to the amount of effort required. Our society is wrapped up in immediate gratification and anything that needs our constant attention is viewed as "too much to handle" or complicated. :)
Any relationship takes a leap of faith - at least for me. I think I am a pretty good judge of character and I know fairly quickly if someone is a good personality match for me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with, and I acknowledge that, but I've also done away with trying to pigeonhole myself to fit into someone else's ideal friend is. I'm just me, take me or leave me - and I'm not offended if you leave me. But that took a lot of learning and maturing to get to that point.
For me, that's why my marriage is easy. I married my best friend who knew who I was for years before we decided to merge our checking accounts and combine laundry. Of course, we've both changed and evolved and grown up over the years, but we've done so in parallel, so 13 years of being together has gone by so fast! Because we're having fun and enjoying each other.
Part of my personality is that I just can't tolerate certain behaviors in people... I wouldn't be married to someone who put me down or held me back or made me miserable. I'm not afraid of being alone - to the point where, even with friends, I'm ok to say 'leave if you want to' because only the people who "get" me will stay -- and those are the people who I surround myself with. And because of that, I have a very happy life and I am extremely grateful for all of the wonderful people around me.
Wonderful way to express your point of view! I too have my own little OMP and couldn't be happier. It is never work, just a bit of give and take at times. It feels so good to have wonderful people around and not those terrible toxin people! I've had my share of them!
June 10, 2010 at 6:55 PM
Anonymous said...
Ah, okay, thanks for clarifying, Pam! Yes, we are on the same page :).
Marrying my sweetie was a huge leap of faith for me, and vice versa for him, but I'm so very glad we both chose to take that leap. After 20 years of marriage, we both see that surviving the downs *can* be accomplished, which is not something either of us witnessed as kids or in prior relationships as adults.
I agree about avoiding toxic relationships and friendships. It takes a certain level of confidence to do so and I know, for me, I was definitely well into adulthood before I understand that and gained that confidence. I hope my son grasps it much, much younger.
Glenda
June 10, 2010 at 9:59 PM
Before I get into a rant about love. I would like to let Marzidoats that she needs to email me so I can mail out her prize. Also, stay tuned next week - there will be a birthday surprise. Okay, on to my ramblings.....
It's Wednesday and time for another leap of faith. Actually, today is just me ranting so you have my permission to leave, grab a beverage and a snack, peruse Facebook-do whatever you want. I'm just warning you that you will miss my views on leaps of faith regarding love. If you can live with yourself, then I forgive you. If you are curious, sit back and listen.
A few years ago, I was down. Not just your normal down but just about as low as you can get, heading towards the gutter down. I was in a toxic relationship with just about every person in my life. I hated myself and everyone around me. I KNEW that there was no one for me out there and then I met my future husband, OMP. You see, if I didn't take a leap of faith and give him a chance, I would have never met the man of my life and pretty much have the most perfect life in the world. Here's the deal. There is NO REASON that you deserve to be in any toxic relationship-this includes friendships. If you are not feeling 100% awesome when you are with a person than it's not good for you.
See, here's the thing that gets to me. I get so frustrated when hearing that relationships are complicated. That they are hard work. The people that preach this are full of it. If you have a healthy loving relationship, it's a breeze. It is definitely not work. Compromises are a part of every day life but they should in no way curb who you really are, unless of course you are an ass, in which-you need to quit reading this and get some therapy. Not one day that I have been married have I ever thought my relationship was work.
Also, give people a chance. If I had not taken a chance on OMP, I would have missed out on the best person ever. Sure he has quirks-so do I. I would never think of changing him. So what if that person isn't your exact idea of perfection, I'm betting if you gave them a chance-they might prove you wrong and if they aren't the person of your dreams, move on to the next. Don't drag it out please-that's just ugly and boring and not fair to anyone involved.
Now if you are still reading, here's what I want you to take with you concerning love and leaps of faith. 1-You always deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. 2-Take a chance on someone. Who knows, they might be your very own OMP. Love is always a leap of faith-never give up.
10 Comments
Close this window Jump to comment formI will respectfully disagree with you, Pam.
I don't think relationships have a need to be complicated all the time, or even most of the time, but I know for a fact that things can happen that *do* make things complicated and that it *does* require work or effort, in those instances, to move forward. The alternative is to not move forward, and that's just no kind of alternative in which I have any interest!
That said, there are things in life that *are* worth the effort, and I think marriage and parenthood are VERY worth the effort, and VERY worth working through the complications that come up.
Overall, I find both marriage and parenthood to be easy, but there have absolutely been times when "hard work" was an understatement, but I've never regretted having made the effort.
June 9, 2010 at 10:39 PM
Thanks for sharing, Pam! You have inspired me to bare my own soul too! http://craftgirl78.livejournal.com/2868.html
June 10, 2010 at 1:40 AM
Nice to see you are in a good place in your life and that all the yuck is gone from the past.
I had to let go of a few friendships from my past quite a number of years ago...and it was like a cleansing, something I really needed to do for my own mental health.
Good for you Pam! You rock!
June 10, 2010 at 5:53 AM
Craftgrl78-Thank you so much for sharing on your blog. You made me cry!
Kym-I have had to let those kind of relationships go too and at the time it was rough but in the end it was freeing.
Glenda-I totally get where you are coming from. I think I should be clearer on what I mean by complicated.I don't think as bumps in the road of a relationship as complicated. Those definitely help you grow. I'm thinking more of losing yourself or when people say, "Our relationship is so complicated." thinking that it is always work. Of course problems are gonna come up and if you are in a healthy relationship it will work out but if all you do is work at not stepping on eggshells or you lose yourself trying to make that person happy-that's the yucky stuff I'm thinking of. Good Lord, now I wrote a book. ;)
June 10, 2010 at 6:50 AM
Yippee for leaps :)
I took a leap & asked out a guy...he leaped back & said yes to this odd girl who had the guts to ask (little did he know said guts felt all wrenching when asking).....we had our 9th anniversary yesterday :) And without work. The only "work" is finding time to go out alone...and I don't think that's the kind of work people talk about :)
June 10, 2010 at 7:38 AM
I'm with you - if it's right, it shouldn't take much work, especially in the beginning. Sure, there are ups & downs, and people will have to consider the other person's feelings, wants and needs (is that 'work,' really?). What I would have considered "work" before I met my beau is now just me tripping all over myself to find ways to make him happy, and he does the same for me... is that "work?" :)
June 10, 2010 at 8:27 AM
I'm with you completely. I have my version of OMP from a HUGE leap of faith.
I agree that a relationship doesn't need to be complicated but what it does require is vigilance to make sure that we are mindful of our partner's needs or wants. I think some people in today's society confuse complexity with vigilance due to the amount of effort required. Our society is wrapped up in immediate gratification and anything that needs our constant attention is viewed as "too much to handle" or complicated. :)
June 10, 2010 at 9:16 AM
Any relationship takes a leap of faith - at least for me. I think I am a pretty good judge of character and I know fairly quickly if someone is a good personality match for me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with, and I acknowledge that, but I've also done away with trying to pigeonhole myself to fit into someone else's ideal friend is. I'm just me, take me or leave me - and I'm not offended if you leave me. But that took a lot of learning and maturing to get to that point.
For me, that's why my marriage is easy. I married my best friend who knew who I was for years before we decided to merge our checking accounts and combine laundry. Of course, we've both changed and evolved and grown up over the years, but we've done so in parallel, so 13 years of being together has gone by so fast! Because we're having fun and enjoying each other.
Part of my personality is that I just can't tolerate certain behaviors in people... I wouldn't be married to someone who put me down or held me back or made me miserable. I'm not afraid of being alone - to the point where, even with friends, I'm ok to say 'leave if you want to' because only the people who "get" me will stay -- and those are the people who I surround myself with. And because of that, I have a very happy life and I am extremely grateful for all of the wonderful people around me.
June 10, 2010 at 12:50 PM
Wonderful way to express your point of view! I too have my own little OMP and couldn't be happier. It is never work, just a bit of give and take at times. It feels so good to have wonderful people around and not those terrible toxin people! I've had my share of them!
June 10, 2010 at 6:55 PM
Ah, okay, thanks for clarifying, Pam! Yes, we are on the same page :).
Marrying my sweetie was a huge leap of faith for me, and vice versa for him, but I'm so very glad we both chose to take that leap. After 20 years of marriage, we both see that surviving the downs *can* be accomplished, which is not something either of us witnessed as kids or in prior relationships as adults.
I agree about avoiding toxic relationships and friendships. It takes a certain level of confidence to do so and I know, for me, I was definitely well into adulthood before I understand that and gained that confidence. I hope my son grasps it much, much younger.
Glenda
June 10, 2010 at 9:59 PM