Post a Comment On: ralp99

..one of these days, these blogs are going to walk all over youR FACE AND KILL YOU AND MAKE YOU BLIND AND SPIT AND PISS AND CURSE AND SO MUCH DYING WILL HAPPEN AND OH YEAH BOY YOU'LL BE SORRY AND VERY VERY DEAD, whew, oh so I am glad that I was able to get all of that out of my system. I need a glass of Guiness.

It's another day in my life, of the end of another year, and just the same, then. I am writing this from the somewhat able keyboard that is 3,000 miles from my usual point of information dispatch, as I am visiting my parents and some friends back in the ever-lovin' eazt coazt. Yep, it being the holidays, and me having a pair of free tickets, I thought I'd use them to fly back to snowy rainy Boston, AGAIN, rather than having some wild clandestine sexual rendezvous, or two, with some herpes-ridden young hussy in say.. Flagstaff or North Dakota. Oh, take your pick. Nah, I am not that kind of guy, I would rather hook up with a trashed young lady in Memphis or Albuqurque. Oh, who am I kidding (I mean, I know I spelled that city incorrectly). it's a good thing my ma doesn't read this. Or my girlfriend (choke).

That being the case, i took my girlfriend of nearly 3 years back east to meet the family (yeah, my myspace profile still proclaims my status as "single," that was her idea alright?!) One full day in, I'd say it went fairly well so far. The next couple of days we'll schlep around the estate and hook up with some of the other regulars, but I suppose the hardest part is over. Or at least the most anxiety-inducing. Haha. Anyway, we got my folks a Wii videogame for the holidays (usually I am pretty 100% selfish and don't give them anything. Ever. For any occasion) Not because I am not thoughtful, or not 'cause I can't afford it, but just mostly because I am a lazy self-centered narcissistic egomaniac who can only think about one thing (buying shit for me and myself ONLY) absolutely all the time. Maybe i paint a pretty terrible picture, but come on, you are all just as terrible as me, you know? Honestly, I think it has more to do with the fact that I just dislike buying things in general, for me or other people. Not that I don't think they are worth it, more like I feel that friendship, and time are the only things of real honest value. Oh, hogwash who am I kidding! Truthfully, I do think that way, and I don't care if no one never doesn't by nuthin' for me (that sentance, it is rife with double-negatives.. some triple's as well.. but you got the point).

I recently had a little of a philosophical shift, however, and decided it was perhaps better to fall in line with the rest of the overly consumerist society and succumb like everyone else, at least because in the short term EVERYONE else in the world seems to become more pleased by the material gains. i mean.. I like stuff, too. Maybe not the newest fanciest gadgets all the time (I like weird eccentric doodads) but as people, it's part of our nature to devour external physical stimuli. I have gone on (at length) defending this argument in the past, specifically within this journal, so I will leave it at that for now, other than to say buying things for people, while keeping it modest, is not necessarily the worst gesture one make. I stand by the conviction that I am pretty satisfied not to receive reciprocation (i have enough clutter!), at least in the vein of "it's a holiday. I should buy Ron something" though I definitely don't mind if someone is out in the wild and sees something really bizarre and unique to my tastes that would suit me. but that's cool if they just send me a picture of it, just the same (i have too much clutter.. I have too much clutter.. I have too much clutter). On a last note, I will never turn down a free drink/lunch. Food and booze = NOT clutter! Hey. Sex is DEFINITELY not clutter. Well, maybe it is traumatic at times, I will give you that (and food is clutter of the belly.. and arteries). Okay, enough.

So so, end of 2007. It feels weird to say 2007 is OVER when 2006 still seems like a date which is far away in the FUTURE. 2008 is just another number, but we are ekeing closer to 2010 - definitely. I am ratcheting closer to my mid-thirties, as well - and getting harder and harder to make excuses for "why have I still not accomplished X, Y and Z with my life..." I don't really hold myself to task so much for that stuff these days, as it's usually just "keep out of trouble and everything is fine," with a bit of "keep your job. Just keep your goddamned INCOME for a change" as the runner-up. It seems like such things should be no-brainer, and I am such a mellow guy in many ways, but I have that stupid deep-down thing that urges for the drama, the shake-up. Well, the variety. I have thrown that part of me more than enough bones after all these years, and pushed it fairly thin by being who I am and living where I do, having this kind of a lifestyle (some would consider it elegant, yet imbecilic) that I guess it all balances out quite nicely as those things do. And still, it's enough to piss me off that I've only reached a certain plateau, the highs and lows I could yet possibly attain are forever dangled just in front of my face (man, you know, i would make such a wonderful career gambler!) I look at old(er) people, more and more often - see the signs that someday I will be among them, and realize that with each tick of the clock, I only have so much time to wring life out of this moldy stinky towel before I start using up resources that are impossible to replenish. Yes.. it's GOOD to have that pressure (without which there'd be no motivation to do ANYTHING, really!) but the two minds that make me up can only hand the baton back-and-forth so many times before one of them gets finally tired of that whole back-and-forth. (Oh man, do ALL languages have to be so metaphor-driven as mine, or am I just falling back on ways to take up space?)

Self-important drama aside, each year at this time I will always evaluate the recent past and the possible future and weight the two, what could be, what should be, what will be. Devil Ron wants this, Angel Ron wants that, and Actual Ron just wants to lie back on the couch while the two warring factions tantalize each other and get it over with so I can get something delicious to eat and get on with my day. That sounds cute or silly, but it's becoming easier to identify with. I am in my mid-thirties, like I said - as I get older, the possibility of becoming any kind of world-traveler (and documentarian, in whichever fashion) are slipping further and further away. Yes, with age comes money and wisdom (well.. one would hope). But with youth one has vigor, and necessary naivete and innocence. "Old enough to know better" indeed. Thirties is truly the sweet spot, the last vestige, the end of my youth and innocence, and the last chance i have to be either an outrageous who-cares partier or set the course for being a cleaned-up productive member of some cog working in the great powerful society of the early 21st century. So why is my hair long and gangly still, I wonder.

A year ago I was faced with similar questions, and different circumstances - now so many things are different, but as usual the stakes are a little higher, there is more to lose. I would love to throw my hands up in the air and leave it to the decision of Fate, but we all know that is Random Chaos bullshit (well, that is what I will adhere to) and no one can accept any responsibility for any of it beyond my own programming. My own god-damned programming...