I've come to a few important conclusions today.

First of all, I'm a dumbass.

I'm dog tired, which probably contributes to or explains this all, but I'm kinda down simply because I didn't absolutely nail, totally knock out of the park, two callbacks I had today. By that I mean I did fine - very well, in fact - but I'm just not satisfied for some reason. Thing is, I'm actually swimming in work - job offers to beat the band, knock on wood and no jinxes allowed. So I have no pressure, I'm happy with what's out there. Still, I keep auditioning, because... it's my job, and freakishly enough I like auditioning. Most of the time.

For the past several weeks pretty much every audition and callback I've had, save two, has been really solid. Yesterday, though, I barely squeaked through to get to today's (probably) final round of callbacks for Fred in the "Kiss Me Kate" tour. Though today's callback for that went well, I felt I could've done much better and that perhaps my (personally perceived) level of performance at the previous callback could be a factor in casting. Totally second-guessing both myself and the casting people with no tangible reason.
Before the KMK callback today I sang for a big Cameron Mackintosh cruise show for Jean Ann Ryan Productions. Sang well, got a callback to "move," around 4, which just fit the schedule. It was the last thing in my day, my week, and it's a dance callback.

After they sang me, they talked amongst themselves, passed my resume around, then said, smiling, " You didn't come to our dance call, so I'm guessing you're not a dancer? Do you move?
Standard answer I give to that, "Well, I walk upright. I move."
Ha ha, ha ha ha courtesy laugh, "Well, would you be willing to come in and take a combination from us at 4?"
"Sure."
"It's just so we can know where to place you, we don't expect you to 'dance', per se."

So I went, and didn't really stink up the floor... maybe just left a slight lingering odor. I could've hit that a little better. Then again, they'd probably expect me to dance if I did much better and that's just crazy talk. Though rationally I think I gave a very hireable kind of audition, especially vocally, I'm not confident about it. Again with the second guessing. Now I'm kind of depressed, for no good reason, because rationally I know I gave two reasonably good auditions. However, I've been doing this long enough to know that reasonably good will get you called back but not necessarily hired.Why worry? I already have far more work than I can take, and am trying to solve the problems of making it all fit. Apparently I have two levels of self-confidence right now: A) Comic-book hero self-assured, or B) Early John Cusack character self-conscious/morose. I think I'm just tired. No more auditions for a while, anyway.

Other thing I noticed today, that is actually far more interesting than my petty headtrip...
At most callbacks I go to, after a point, I see the same few guys. Add and subtract a few guys here and there and it's the same group. Many of us have become friendly without ever having otherwise met or spent time together. Today, for example, was the second and final round of callbacks for the lead in a national tour, and I honestly would be glad to know if any one of the guys from the group I regularly see got it. We're all generally friendly with and supportive of each other, genuinely wishing one another luck even when we're out for the same jobs. This isn't true of everyone, I just notice it's especially true of the five or six guys I see everywhere.
TERRIBLE GENERALIZATION AHEAD.
This is quite obvious... It's harder, much harder for women. Auditions for women, especially at dance calls... well, they can be so mean to each other. It's almost sad ... no, no, it is sad to watch. Very Funny and Very Sad. Trying to outstretch everyone else, or otherwise warm up more impressively than one another; wearing skimpier dance clothes, or taking up as much space as possible primping in the mirror-wall.
Now, it's common for people to come to an audition and discreetly change into dancewear... but yesterday I kid you not a girl struts in to the holding room full of men and women, makes a fuss of setting down her bulky things, and undressed. Right there, in the holding room, undressed and put on her dance clothes. Nothing discreet or unobtrusive about it. It's all insecurity, and with some girls you see the same feeling manifest itself in the opposite way - eye-darting, is-anybody-watching-me, self-consciousness. I can see where the whole thing could be really damaging to a frail psyche, to be a woman in theatre, especially in the beginning. To watch the people who can't enter an audition room without making a loud, obnoxious squeal at the sight of someone they met once (who at this audition of course is their best friend from way back...) Of course, there are men who do these things, too... but it's just funny when men do it. It doesn't have the same effect.

In short, power to the women in theatre who keep their heads on straight and remain self-assured and independent in the face of all that.

It's no wonder we theatre people are so ... interesting.

I'll stop vomiting words onto the page now. Longest.... entry.... ever... how much will I read later and cut?