After receiving a personal invite from the Israeli Ministry of Tourism for an all expenses paid trip to Israel that they'd guaranteed to be fun, this reporter took an El Al airlines flight out of New York to Eretz Israel and was amazed at the amount of "Good! Double Good" activities they had planned.

To start off with, my personal guide, Sabra was a stunningly beautiful Israeli babe, who seemed more than interested in me for late night activities!

Our first stop was at Israeli's top secret nuclear weapons complex at Dimona! My, what a facility. An elevator took us 20 floors beneath the sandy desert to a huge underground complex where the IDF was working on several variations of 150 mg thermonuclear weapons and even a few neutron bombs. Sabra explained that the neutron bomb was the perfect Israeli bomb, as it only killed people she referred to as "GOY and left the property and possessions intact for future Israeli inhabitants!

The next stop was the Israel Institute for Biological Research in Ness Ziona, where all sorts of biological weapons are made, even one my guide said would only kill Arabs and not Jews, since it was based on genetics.
That startled me, since I've always been told that the Israeli Jews were descendants of other ME Jews. My guide told me that at least 90% of all Jews living in Israel aren't descendants of ancient ME Jews, but people that had live in Eastern Europe and converted to Judaism for financial reasons back in the 9th Century, but to not let that out, since it was THE state secret of Israel and that's why current Israeli Jews wouldn't be affected by this genetic bomb.

We had to don Level 1 Hazmat suits and wear self-contained breathing devices to enter, as the nasty germs they keep there have a habit of trying to escape and infect those "GOY" types.

She pointed out a flock of chickens they were experimenting on for some type of flu, but it was above my limited understanding of biology!

By now it was edging towards noon, so the next part of the tour involved lunch in the West Bank. We sat on a hilltop and had a sumptuous feast spread out before us, including what my guide said was the state food of Israel, falafel. The scenery was gorgeous, but it was a bit unsettling to see a heavily armed troop of Israeli soldiers nearby. Sabra said not to worry, to enjoy the food and views.

I noticed a large, rather unruly crowd of side curl wearing types, carrying baseball bats, clubs and M-16's move towards a Palestinian farmer in his fields. They descended upon the elderly man with a vengeance, beating him about the head and chest with the bats. A couple members of his family came out and they too were set upon by these people my guide said were Hasidics. One man, their Rabbi, was exhorting them on to beat the farmer and his family senseless and directing others who were dousing the farmer's olive trees with gasoline and setting them ablaze.

I thought the IDF troops would intervene and stop this insanity, but they just stood around, smoking cigarettes and making jokes. One even got into a heavily armored tank/bulldozer and helped the "Hasidics" by bulldozing olive trees and homes.
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This was very unnerving to me, so much so I lost my appetite, but Sabra reached over and sensuously stroked my inner thigh and whispered some very provocative suggestions into my ear and all was well.

Sabra then said I was in for a treat, a helicopter ride!!!

We got onto what she called an "Apache" helicopter and zoomed up into the skies. In no time, my helicopter and six others were flying over what looked like some city that had been bombed out of existence, but there were still people on the ground, running fast for shelter for some reason.
That reason was shortly forthcoming, as the "Apaches" started firing rockets and using their machine guns to shoot anything on the ground that moved. I asked Sabra why and she replied that those on the ground had asked for this peaceful incursion by refusing to recognize Israel as an exclusive Jewish state.

Seeing the bodies explode and being shot to pieces made me so sick, I threw up, but again, Sabra was there for me, suggestively rubbing my groin and licking my ear, which made me forget the scenes on the ground!!
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Sabra then informed me that the last stop was to a tony little Tel Aviv suburb called Herzliya, where I'd meet some of Israel's finest, the men and women of some group she called the MOSSAD.

We entered what appeared to be just another home in Herzliya, but once inside, it was apparent that it was some sort of heavily armed base, with machine gun toting guards all about.
We met a Mr. Dagan, who showed us some recent activities of the MOSSAD, like creating pirates off Somalia and investing trillions of US dollars that Wall Street had generously given to Israel.

One curious object in a side room was a mockup of two large skyscrapers that looked like the WTC. I asked Mr. Dagan about that and he immediately barked out something in Yiddish and an aide swiftly closed the door.
In a moment, Sabra was at my side, rubbing her voluptuous body against mine and suggesting we retire to a close by hotel!!!!

Thus ended my visit to Israel, with a night of passionate sex with Sabra. Sabra was so accommodating, she even agreed to help me write my story for a large New York paper which I can't name here, but that grey old lady will definitely will print Sabra's press release--which I will retype in my own words, after all, we journalists have an ethical standard to uphold!!-- to help show the world what a sweet, kind, peaceful and generous nation Israel is to our readers!!!

Reporting from Israel, this is Moe Ronn for the Times.
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