Post a Comment On: Once My Looks Go, I've Got Nothing

As each evening creeps slightly deeper into the afternoon and bratwurst is back on the menu at Wienerschnitzel, I find autumn on my mind, and in honor of the encroaching Halloween season, I feel the need to give a bit of praise to one of the preeminent old school horror story anthologies. And for once, I’m not referring to Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. No, despite Scary Stories being the king of the hell hill in this particular genre, there was another notable series concurrently haunting the pages of the Scholastic Book Club flyer alongside it. In fact, the first volume of this series even predates the original Scary Stories by several years!    [Image]
I’m speaking, of course of Tales for the Midnight Hour, J.B. Stamper’s seminal quadrilogy of terror that caused many a juvenile some sleepless nights with its harrowing depictions of murder, monsters and madness. I used to think of Stamper as a bit of an enigma, an author who dropped their magnum opus, followed it up with a lesser-known work (in this case, Night Frights), and disappeared, sort of like a mass-market paperback horror anthology J.D. Salinger (J.B. Salinger?). However, I was quite mistaken. Stamper has in fact produced quite the extensive body of work in the decades following Tales for the Midnight Hour; she just seemingly tired of writing about supernatural murders, if such a thing is possible. Instead, she wrote a bunch of The Magic School Bus books. And the novelization for the NES game Bionic Commando! God bless the internet for bestowing upon me this knowledge.
But back to the lecture at hand. Though not quite the abattoir the later Scary Stories for Sleepovers series would be, the Tales for the Midnight Hour books were largely a bit more brutal and hopeless than Alvin Schwartz’s famous yarns, with the protagonists often ending up dead, or at least deeply inconvenienced. No protagonist exemplifies this sense of hopelessness more than Ty. Not to be confused with the company behind the Beanie Babies line of collectible animal dolls, Ty is the only recurring character between the Tales for the Midnight Hour books, though said recurrence poses a bit of a mystery. Because, you see, Ty seems to die. A lot. Ty is, in a word, a wuss. He is a whiny, bespectacled wimp who tends to find himself in the peculiar situation of encountering malicious cryptids with stunning regularity, and he never handles it very well. Not that he should be expected to, mind you. The end result of these encounters, as one might expect, is his implied death at the claws of whatever beastie he's bumped into. He’s basically a cross between Kenny and Butters from South Park.The impetus for Ty's grisly fate is always some sort of wilderness excursion with a group of boys, who basically reenact the Ernest Borgnine storyline from the Junior Campers episode of The Simpsons. But none of this explains how Ty seems to perpetually survive certain death, nor why, if he does indeed survive, he would ever put himself in a similar situation not just once again, but thrice again. Let's take a quick look at Ty's various adventures and see just how likely it is that this one kid could somehow live through all this horror.
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The book: Tales for the Midnight Hour
The cast: Ty, Ron, Pete, Phil, Eric, JakeThe situation: A group of boys go on a spooky canoe trip with Jake, the shady guide who has no interest in staying on the beaten path. One thing that becomes clear almost immediately is that this squad is like an embodiment of The Seven Deadly Sins: Toxic Masculinity Edition. They're all either sneering bullies or cowards who are more than happy to let their friends be abused if it keeps the target off their back. As the victim of the most vicious abuse, Ty is, by elimination, the most sympathetic figure.The story finds this cadre of less-than-gentlemen venturing into wilderness occupied by the titular gooney birds, which are apparently a real thing; however, the birds in this story seem less like albatross and more like the boss from the first level of Super Ghouls 'N Ghosts. In any case, Jake quickly reveals himself to be a poor choice of guide; his casual cruelty and smug antagonism of the younger boys is bad enough, but he also clearly has no interest in safety or even basic logic. So when the boys encounter a nest of gargantuan bird eggs reminiscent of the days of the dinosaurs, of course Jake encourages the most irresponsible behavior possible. Ty, sensibly, thinks that upsetting whatever might have laid those eggs is probably a bad idea, and urges the group to leave. Instead, one of the older boys, Eric, decides to smash them, seemingly to impress a smirking Jake.Predictably, Mama Bird is less than pleased about this, and when the boys set out on their canoes to the next location, she dive-bombs them, focusing oddly enough on Ty, proving that no good deed goes unpunished. She misses, and ends up just circling the boys as they continue their journey.Upon making landfall, the boys find an empty campsite that was apparently hastily abandoned, with the obvious implication being that the previous campers were killed by the angry birds. This begs the question of whether the other campers also destroyed gooney bird eggs, or if the gooney birds just enjoy killing and the whole egg-smashing thing was irrelevant. Either way, Jake has the brilliant idea to, in defiance of the will of literally everyone else, camp in this same spooky spot, even going to far as to use the same fire pit as the vanished campers. Jake is a bad guide.The gooney birds attack, of course. Ty catches a beak around the neck and is carried away, thrashing desperately. The other campers follow suit. GREAT JOB, JAKE.Certainty of Ty's death: 92%I guess, maybe, possibly, the bird could have carried him away to another location alive, where Ty eventually made his escape. Don't know how likely it is that his neck wasn't broken or that he didn't get beak-strangled, but there is at least some room for speculation.
[Image]The book: More Tales for the Midnight Hour
The cast: Ty, Paul, Nick, Brad, Ron, Mr. Robinson (a.k.a. "Robbie")
The situation: A group of boys go camping at Wolf Ridge State Park, under Mr. Robinson's watchful eye. Robbie immediately proves himself to be better than Jake by not going out of his way to try to get everyone killed. He does, however, make the unfortunate decision to go into a ramshackle, apparently deserted ranger station looking for a guide. We never see him again, but soon thereafter Harris, the suspiciously hairy ranger, shows up with a totally legit explanation for Robbie's absence.Wait...he's named "Harris" because it sounds like "hairy," isn't he? Harris. Hairy. You know, sometimes I think about the fact that one day I'll be dead and gone, and the things that I've written about will be all that's left of me. And here I am, writing about a story where the suspiciously hairy man is named Harris. [Image]Anyway, the campers realize that Harris's lame excuse is suspect, but in order to avoid upsetting the squeamish Ty, they all decide to roll the dice by accompanying this bearded stranger into the wilderness. Jeez, I know I referenced the Junior Campers episode of The Simpsons already, but seriously, an alternate title for any of these stories could be "Don't Do What Donnie Don't Does."But hey, the boys note, "at least there's a full moon." ARRRRGGGGHHHHHHAfter reaching their intended campsite, Harris leads the boys away one by one to, ahem, help him look for Robbie. You couldn't possibly give off bigger stranger danger vibes than Mr. Hairy does here. The rapidly dwindling group of campers begins to hear strange noises, their panic growing with each subsequent departure, until eventually Ty is left all alone and yeah yeah Harris is a werewolf.Certainty of Ty's death: 98%Ty is alone in the wild, facing off against a vicious werewolf. Literally the only argument you can make for his survival is that we don't actually see his death, so maybe Robbie showed up, injured but alive, with a silver bullet or some sh*t.
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The book: Still More Tales for the Midnight HourThe cast: Ty, Jimmy, Paul, Brad (the four young boys), and eight older boys (Mark, the barely-mentioned-and-definitely-not-Mr.-Robinson Robbie, and six other nameless meat sacks)
The situation: First of all, was it really necessary to have a whopping cast of TWELVE for this story that mostly focuses on Ty? There are so many boys here that J.B. Stamper starts recycling names. It's debatable whether or not Paul and Brad are the same characters from the previous story-personally, I don't think they are, but there's not much evidence either way-but Robbie is absolutely not the same Robbie from the previous story, being much younger and in no real position of authority. Ultimately, it really doesn't matter, as this story focuses specifically on Ty to a greater degree than the previous two tales.It's Initiation Night for the Camping Club, and you know what that means: a good ol' fashioned snipe hunt! On the agenda tonight will be roasted marshmallows, spooky sounds from the shadows and, for dinner, a delicious red herring about a murderous prison escapee. Followed by the main event of the titular hunt. The juvenile camper pledges get sent into the woods alone, with the instructions to turn off their flashlights after a certain distance and try and capture a snipe in a burlap sack.Snipes, of course, do not exist, but Ty somehow manages to capture a baby snipe anyway. Such dedication.Alas, the adult snipes are less than amused by this young man pilfering their offspring, and as the baby's cries echo through the forest, the grownups surround the group of boys with vengeful eyes. It would not be unreasonable to assume that various maulings are to follow.
Certainty of Ty's death: 80%This is probably the situation in which you could make the best argument for Ty's survival. The snipes seem ominous, but we never actually see them attack anyone. Maybe the campers manage to call them off by giving the baby back and apologizing profusely? Maybe Ty escapes in the chaos? Either way, he's probably dead, but if given the choice, I'd take my chances with the snipes versus, say, being alone with a werewolf in the middle of nowhere.
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The book: Even More Tales for the Midnight HourThe cast: Ty, Phil, Eric, Mark, Brad, Alex, Mr. Conklin, Mr. Anderson
The situation: This time, a majority of the names are repeats, but are the actual characters? Ty, as usual, is Ty, but what of the others? There was an Eric and a Phil in "The Gooney Birds," and we've seen a Mark and multiple Brads in the stories since, but are they supposed to be the same people? There's so little info that it's inconclusive; the best evidence we have for non-Ty recurring characters is that the Eric in this story is, much like his "Gooney Birds" counterpart, a dick. But honestly, most of these guys could be described similarly, and due to the fact that no name is consistently represented across every story except for Ty, I'm going to conclude that the others are just different people with the same names. The odds of two different guys being named Brad have to be higher than the odds of two different guys being names TY, right? How many Tys do you know? Besides, Ty is our special boy today, and I will not have any of these douchebros take his shine. Also, I'm starting to think this is a Tales from the Hood situation where Ty is actually the devil, leading young adventurers to their doom by posing as one of them.
Oh yeah, the plot. This time, a group of campers faces their ultimate challenge: each boy is to spend the night alone on a different island in a lake apparently rife with them. Seems like a liability nightmare, but what do I know. On top of that, there's a rumor going around that a, and I'm quoting here, shapeshifter lives on one of the islands. If rumor is to be believed, even the two adults overseeing this excursion, Misters Conklin and Anderson, have been murmuring about this amongst themselves. If this is true, one must wonder: why are they taking this risk with children's lives? Are there no other camping spots in the area not infested with supernatural beasts? And I thought Jake was a sh*tty leader.The group heads out, depositing each boy on a different island while Ty melts down internally. Finally, two boys remain: Ty and Eric. The scout leader rows up to Ty's assigned island, but in a staggering display of managerial impotence, Eric ganks Ty's island and wades aground despite Mr. Conklin's pleas. Mr. Conklins clearly insinuates that there is something about the following island that Ty (again, the youngest scout) cannot handle. But Eric ignores him and claims the island anyway, leaving a sputtering, apologetic Conklin to ferry Ty in a Charon-esque manner to his final destination. You know, man, you could just turn back, right?But no, out of some misguided allegiance to scouting principles or whatever, Mr. Conklin drops Ty off on the final island, a sinister, hulking piece of land. Conklin repeatedly emphasizes that Ty should find a place to camp from which any emergency flares he might need to send out will be clearly visible. This is really starting to sound like a purposeful dereliction of duty.Ty nervously sets up camp in a conveniently cleared-out area. The only problem is, he keeps finding picked bones in the grass. But I'm sure that's a totally normal thing, and even when considering the cries of a dying animal Ty hears from the woods, is absolutely no cause for concern. In any case, Ty isn't alone for long, as he is soon joined by Roger the scout, who emerges from the trees like a bemeritbadged dryad and sits with Ty around the fire. Roger is clearly completely normal, pulling a skinned rabbit out of his pack and eating it in front of Ty. I mean, being a picky eater is certainly a liability in the wilderness. And besides, any worries Ty might have can be assuaged by the clear, bright light of the full moon suspended in the sky.OK, hold on. Something really isn't adding up here. We have evidence that the scout leaders knew about this shapeshifter business, but proceeded with this little adventure anyway. Now we have the fact that it's a full moon outside, which means that this trip was planned to coincide with the exact portion of the lunar cycle that is catnip to lycanthropes. At some point, some serious questions have to be asked, as coincidence is eclipsed by conspiracy. Basically, this island-hopping excursion can only reasonably be one of two things: omega level negligence or a plot to murder Eric. From what Eric shows us with his behavior in this story, the desire to feed him to a monster is only natural, but when Eric's own chaotic obstinance foils the plot, why would Mr. Conklin decide to sacrifice Ty instead rather than just call the whole thing off? Was Ty's death an acceptable price to pay to keep the assassination attempt under wraps? This whole thing gets more and more sinister the more I think about it.Oh, and, uh, spoiler alert, I guess? Roger is a werewolf (already repeating monsters? Really?) who is, by his own admission, very hungry. He transforms to lupine form and attacks Ty. The next day, the scout leaders cannot locate Ty, but they do find freshly picked human bones at this campsite. One must really wonder what Ty's parents think of all this.Certainty of Ty's death: 1200%For once, we see a body, or at least the skeletal remains of one. Ty is absolutely, positively dead, and what appears to be a failed byzantine plan to murder an annoying teenager gets kind of covered up when a skittish, innocent preteen gets eaten alive instead. Great job, everyone!  Unless...The ending is just vague enough to allow for a different interpretation. Let's just say, for a moment, that Ty's ability to escape certain death is canon. In that case, what if, in this most dire hour, Ty resorted to truly extreme survival methods? What if he, under the extremest of duress, achieved his final form, DBZ-style? What if he unlocked an eldritch energy deep inside him, transforming with a roar into Ty, Deity of the Undead and kamehameha-ing Roger's ass into a skeleton before ascending to his rightful place in the realm of the immortals?Eh, probably not. But you never know! These days, everything old is new again, and franchises and sequels dominate the entertainment landscape. Brand recognition is, for better or for worse, the name of the game. So, with that said, is Tales for the Midnight Hour ripe for a return? Would J.B. Stamper be game to put Ms. Frizzle aside and plunge one more time into the abyss for Tale5: Midnight Hour? Imagine the synergistic opportunities! We could see an HBO Max series, a breakfast cereal, a Magic: The Gathering Secret Lair featuring a planeswalker Ty, Master Snipe Hunter.Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself.
But then again, perhaps I was wrong before when I said that Ty exemplifies hopelessness. After all, what’s more hopeful than eternal rebirth? Even if said rebirth is also guaranteed to end swiftly and painfully in the jaws of some ravenous beast. So cheers to you, Ty, you unkillable bastard. You might not quite be fit for Valhalla, but you can at least...somehow...walk the earth eternally in the meantime, a figurative albatross around the neck of luckless young adventurers finding themselves in the darkest corners of the woods but lacking your resurrective zeal.Long story short, if your child is in a Boy Scout troop with another kid named Ty, maybe consider withdrawing permission for any overnight camping trips.Joey Marsilio is really quite happy that he managed to finally mold this draft he has had sitting around for five years into an article by tweaking the theme a bit. And if you're in the Halloween mood already and want to read a book he wrote that happens to take place during the Halloween season, he also wrote the novel Henry Garrison, which you can preview here.