&games

Taxi shorts, nothing too funny.... But it was funny at the time

2009-12-04T04:05:00.003-09:00

Sitting outside a bar reading a book, a person walks up to the cab:

"You busy?"

"No. Need a ride?"

Chick gets in.

"Where to?"

"(such and such an address)"

My radar is going off.

"Do you have money?"

"Of course I have money. You think just because I'm black I don't have money? I ought to get out right now."

"So you have money?"

"I said I do."

"Enough to get there? It'll be ten bucks?"

(Long winded tirade about how I am profiling her because she is black, she is so insulted, I ought to be ashamed of myself, and on and on.)

When she started on her tirade I knew for a fact that she didn't have any money, but I thought I'd just go along instead of demanding to see her cash. I figured I might get a good blog story out of it.

We got to her house, and of course she didn't have any money. But she would go see if there was any money in the house.

I accompanied her into the house, because she'd probably just disappear out the back if I didn't. She woke up her old man. He was sympathetic to me, had no money, was mad at her, and out of the goodness of his heart tried to pay me in dope. I refused. She started yelling at him for ripping off the poor cab driver.

Just when it was starting to get good, another cab pulled up to the house. It was a friend of theirs. He was probably there to score dope. He paid me.

As I left she was still calling me a racist. profiling SOB.

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(You might have to be a Fairbanks cab driver to appreciate this one)

Dispatcher: 88, are you still in the city?

88: I'm deep city. So deep you might even call it "south".

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Passenger: Can I bring my dog? It's a certified aid dog you have to let me bring it the state of California paid for this dog for my medical disability yes, you have to let him in the cab come on Poochie, into the car good dog he's a good dog he's a certified aid dog I'm going to WalMart they let me bring the dog in there I have all his papers I've been going to WalMart for months and they always let me bring the dog into the store.... Of course they never ask for his papers he's a certified aid dog he helps me a lot. Don't you Poochie? Yes, you help mother a lot (kiss kiss) the state of California paid for him I have notes from my doctors I got him at the pound every other dog in the pound was a pit bull mix California won't pay for pit bulls but this dog they would pay for he's really helped me a lot you see, I'm bi-polar, when ever I feel manic-y I pet the dog and it really calms me down it helps a lot it's really miraculous they always let me bring him into WalMart.

Me: Lady! Shut up and pet the dog.

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Picked up an out-of-towner at a hotel

Guy: Take me to a gay bar.

Me: Uhhhhhhh, what's your second choice?

Guy: A gay bar. Where's the nearest gay bar?

Me: Anchorage.

Guy: You're kidding me.

Me: No.

Guy: Well, where's the nearest bar without rednecks?

Me: Seattle.

Guy: .................How much to Anchorage?
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Picked up some hunters going to the airport. I was driving a mini van.

When I got to the hotel there were two of them standing outside with their gear. I got their gear loaded and prepared to leave.

"Wait," they said, "there's two more coming."

I'm thinking, "I hope they don't have too many more bags, or we'll need a second cab."

The other two guys came out with several more bags.

I looked at the bags. I looked at the cab. With some rearranging I could get all the bags in the cab and have room for all four passengers. As I was rearranging they came out with more bags.

"We might need a second cab," I said.

"No, no. I can hold this bag, he can hold that bag in his lap and we'll have plenty of room."

"I don't know."

"We'll be fine."

As I was re-rearranging, one of the guys came back with an army duffel bag.

"We need two cabs."

"No, I can hold this bag, we can cram this one here, we can cram that one there, and we'll be fine."

"There ain't gonna be room to fart."

"We'll be fine."

When I was done you could not have packed another pair of socks into that cab. It was full.

Then they brought out the caribou antlers.

"No, no, no. We need a second cab."

"Oh no. We can put them here, he and I can sit like this... sure it'll be cramped, but we can make it.....

Then another guy brought out the second set of caribou antlers.

"...I forgot about those....
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Better call for a second cab."

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Then there's the story that I just got subpeoned for. More on that later.

Boardgames: Dominion

2009-11-13T01:59:00.004-09:00

Been playing Dominion and the expansions recently. Must say that I've been enjoying myself.

The original game is solid in its own right. The first expansion, Intrigue, which is also a stand-alone game, is kinda weak as a stand alone game but good as a supplement to the original. The second expansion, Seaside, is a very good expansion.

Dominion is a card game along the lines of CCGs like Magic: The Gathering except it is not collectible. Every card comes in the base game or expansions. It is not a money pit like M:tG.

Dominion was recently named as the Spiel des Jahre or the German game of the year. For the uninitiated that is the most significant award in the realm of boardgames.

As I try to elaborate on my feelings toward the game I find I am stumped. Suffice it to say that gameplay is simple yet dramatically varied from game to game. My 10-year-old daughter was able to trounce three grown men in one game, yet the game is not simplistic. The game is easy to learn yet subtle. There is no perfect strategy, yet know-it-alls will proclaim it so.

Forget trying to elaborate, I'm going to go play again. Have a good day.

What a good night. A Halloween without stories.

2009-11-01T16:30:00.002-09:00

I generally try to avoid driving a taxi on amateur nights, specifically: New Years, St. Patrick's Day, and Halloween, but of the three Halloween is usually the best night to work.

Last night, Halloween night, was a great night to drive a cab. I had contemplated staying home and playing games, but decided to go join the rat race and earn a buck.

I only had one group of dumb asses all night, and I didn't even leave the parking lot with them. No one wanted to run on the fare. No one argued that the meter was running too fast. The dispatcher was surprisingly calm for such a busy night. No one accused me of going the long way. People were mostly still there when their cab pulled up i.e. didn't catch a ride with a friend or other taxi and not call to cancel. All of that is simply what you should expect on a busy night, especially busy nights that traditionally have many people who don't normally take taxis.

Everyone was friendly. Passengers offered intelligent conversation. Tips were good. Stayed busy all night. Traffic was smooth. Didn't have to go on Ft. Wainwright a single time.

What a great night to be a cab driver in Fairbanks.

Rethinking the strategy -or- Groupthink and Pushing Hack

2009-10-27T03:17:00.005-08:00

I've been pushing hack for entirely too long, almost ten years. As a full time job, I've only driven a cab... on and off.... full time... for say... three years. For several of those years I just drove on the weekends. For many other years driving was one of two part-time jobs that I combined for full-time work.

Over those ten years I've observed and even joked about one constant in the business. On one hand the constant is irritating, on the other hand I've always recognized it as something that could be exploited. Two months ago I finally pulled the trigger and put my theory to the test. So far I'm happy with the results.

I've been pushing hack full time for the last few months. I decided to approach cab driving as a three week on/one week off proposition. Work everyday for the first three weeks of the month and take the last week off.

Here's my rationale in a nutshell: Most people get paid at the beginning of the month. Welfare checks and social security checks are all deposited at the beginning of the month. People are flush the first week of the month and are broke the last week of the month. At the end of the month cabdrivers are left to fight over scraps.

Not only are people flush at the beginning of the month, but most cabdrivers are earning pretty good money and taking excessive time off for the first couple weeks of the month. Not only do people have money, but there are fewer cabdrivers to compete with to get that money.

Conversely, at the end of the month not only are passengers broke, but cabdrivers are broke. Every cabdriver in town knows his rent is coming due in a few days and is on the road trying to make some money. Not only is there less money to be earned, but you are competing with more drivers to earn those scarce dollars.

So far I'm happy with my new system. Hopefully, with family obligations I'll be able to maintain this schedule. For the record: I have taken a day off here and there because of illness, or to play boardgames, or to be with my family, but I've also gone into work on my week off just for an excuse to get out of the house.

No, no. Please... (gag) Stop it, please. -or- Sibling rivalry

2009-10-16T03:44:00.004-08:00

Picked up a chick. She was going to the bar but needed to stop and pick up a friend on the way. We got to his apartment building and she telephoned him to come down.

And we waited.

And waited. She called again. He said he'd be right down.

And we waited.

And we waited. She called again. He said he was coming down right now.

And we waited.

"So who is this guy we are waiting for."

"He's my brother-in-law, and if he doesn't hurry I'm going without him."

And we waited.

She called again and told him we were leaving in two seconds.

"Must be a pretty good brother-in-law to wait this long for him."

"No, I really don't like the guy, but if I leave him I'll just piss off my sister."

"Should we just go?"

"No, I'll wait for him."

When the dude finally got into the cab and we left the apartment building the two shared a passionate kiss and started mashing out in the back seat. I mean like teenagers in the backseat of a Chevy. They were going at it hot and heavy. Buttons were coming undone.

I caught bits of conversation. Apparently the wife thought he was going to the store to pick up more beer.

So much for not wanting to piss off her sister.

Line of the night

2009-10-04T05:47:00.002-08:00

(That's a double entendre, nudge nudge)

Passenger: Hey, give me a twenty.

Other Passenger: What?

Passenger: Come on, just spot me a twenty.

Other Passenger: Dude, you're drunk, we're going home, what do you need money for?

Passenger: Come on, man. I'll pay you back tomorrow.

Other Passenger: Okay. Just tell me what you need it for.

Passenger: All I got are ones. I can't be seen snorting coke with ones.

Duck Dealer/Tales of the Arabian Nights

2009-09-28T01:02:00.002-08:00

One fascinates me and has the potential to be a great game, the other is on a par with Monopoly and rhymes with Tales of the Arabian Fights.

A final Pasco Fiasco-RIP

2009-09-23T02:15:00.008-08:00

About a year ago I stopped posting notices of people whom I know who have died. Late last year and early this year there were a string of deaths and I just couldn't find the gumption to make notice of them any longer on this blog. It was a sad time and before I knew it I was so far behind in posting the notices that I just quit. However, this passing cannot go unnoticed in this blog.

Ken was a character. He was a character first and a cabdriver second.

Ken was a likable guy. Most con men are. Even after he dicked you most people would come around when he turned on the charm.

One of my claims to fame is that I taught Ken how to drive a taxi. I've been called a "bastard" numerous times when that information has leaked out, usually followed by a laugh.

I can remember at least two occasions when the owner of the company had had enough. That was it, Ken was getting fired. No doubt about it, Ken would not be back. He was hard on cars, he was behind on leases, a car disappeared for a couple days and he was the main suspect, etc. On each of those occasions when the owner of the company was so pissed off and ready to take a chunk out of Ken's ass..... what do you suppose happened? On each occasion Ken came back to work the next day with a better car than he had been assigned the day before.

On one occasion I, myself, wrote a note to the boss that I was going to start paying my leases in the form of IOUs as long as he kept that SOB as a driver. The next day Ken turned on the charm and my anger faded to mere piss-off-ed-ness.

Even though he was a con man I did kind of like him. He was usually good for a laugh. If you weren't laughing with Ken, which was usually the case, you were laughing at him.

Can't say I'll miss him. Can say I will never forget him. Never. And I will probably chuckle and smile whenever I think of him.

You died far too young. All in all, I wish you had just moved to Anchorage.

R.I.P. Ken Pasco

More drunk math*

2009-09-15T00:37:00.003-08:00

* You won't even believe this story, even if I swear it is true. I swear it's true.

Drunk: How much to the Super 8?

Me: Oh... Like 9 bucks, give or take.

Drunk: It only cost me 6 bucks to get here. I got 6 bucks. You can get me back for six.

Me: Don't bullshit me. It'll cost what it costs, but I ain't doing it for six. You can wait for the next cab.

Drunk: OK. Just get me back to the Super 8.

Me: I need to see your money. It's too busy to do it for six. If that's all you got you can wait for the next cab.

Drunk: I got money. (He showed me a wad of bills.)

Time passes. We arrive at the Super 8.

Me: That'll be $8.50.

Drunk: It only cost me 9 to get there.

Me: Yeah. And it's only eight fifty to get back.

Drunk: Don't fuck around with me, man.

Me: What?

Drunk: I ain't paying more than nine. That's all it cost to get there.

Me: And I got you back for less than 9.
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silence
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Me: Come on man. Eight and a half.

Drunk: F. U.
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Me with absolutely no idea what is going on: Look man. I'll do it for nine if that's all you got.

Drunk: F'in' right you'll do it for nine.

Me: It's only eight and a half.

Drunk: Here's ten, but I ain't never calling your company again.

Me: And what company would that be?

Drunk: He rattled off the phone number for the other big company in town.

I thought about correcting him... but he was out of the cab and off in a huff.

Cash Cab

2009-09-14T05:39:00.002-08:00

A couple got into the cab:

Dude: Oh man! This isn't the cash cab. I was feeling lucky.

Me: Oh what the hell. Let's play cash cab.

Dude: Bring in on!

Me: What's the longest tributary of the Yukon River?

Chick: The Yukon!

Dude: What's a tributary?

Me: Uhhhh. No.

Dude: Give us another one. Don't make it so hard.

Me: What's the capital of Canada?

Chick: Calgary!

Dude: No! It's Saskatchewan!

Chick: Saskatchewan is a state, dumbass.

Me: Well.... No. It's not Calgary.

Dude: It is Saskatchewan, isn't it!

Me: You realize if this was cash cab I'd have to kick you out?

Dude: Ah man. Give us one more.
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Me: Pfffff. What's Mickey Mouse's first name?
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Dude: Who?

And that was the end of cash cab.

Drunk Math

2009-08-29T06:38:00.004-08:00

The fare came to $8. The lady had a ten, a five and a one.

For some reason she did not want to part with the ten spot.

She looked through her purse searching for more ones. She found none. She went through her purse again. She got out of the cab and went through her pockets. Nothing. All she had was a ten dollar bill, a five dollar bill and a one dollar bill.

She gave up and handed me the ten. I handed her two dollars change.

She looked at her money. She looked at me. She looked back at her money and said, "Hold on." She looked at me. She looked at her money and counted it through squinted eyes.

"Wait! I've got eight dollars here. Give me back that ten."

In which I ponder the female mind and have a brilliant idea

2009-08-27T16:31:00.002-08:00

Middle of the night I got a call to pick up at a certain address. It was raining. About a half block from the address some drunk chicks flagged me down. They said they had called, they needed to get away from the house because some scary guy was harassing them.

Sounded reasonable so I picked them up.

They got in and started talking about this "creep" who was "stalking" them. They were obviously quite shaken up.

"Let's get out of here! That dude is just scary!"

"Yeah! Let's go!"

A half block later the dispatcher called. He said the party I was supposed to pick up watched me pick up someone else and drive away. This left me in a bit of a predicament because I was the only cab anywhere close to the area and people who call are supposed to have priority.

I quizzed the girls and it became clear that they had called a different company. They (understandably so) refused to get out and wait for their cab. I spun around to see if I could get the other party to share a cab with the girls.

Turns out the guy I'm supposed to pick up is the "creep".

After all the previous drama the girls didn't mind if he shared a cab. In fact, they were begging him to share a cab. The guy adamantly refused. He said something along the lines of, "I don't want anything to do with you dumb bitches."

Anyway... I arranged for the other company to pick up the other guy, and everyone left happy... except me.

These girls were stupid, AND obnoxious, AND loud.

After all the drama about getting away from the scary guy they were actually insulted that he refused to share a cab with them. And that wasn't the half of it. When they weren't talking about him they spent the whole ride bitching about their other friends.

I was tempted to drive off a bridge to put us all out of our misery.

When we got home they had me turn off the lights before we drove through the woods to the house so they could sneak in without their parents noticing.

That's when I had my brilliant idea.... I think I'll call it "blackmail". I didn't use it, although I was sorely tempted. I was happy to be rid of them, but I filed it away for future use. The next time I get kids sneaking home late at night I am going to charge them an extra $10 or else I'm going to lay on the horn before I leave.

2009-08-24T02:52:00.004-08:00

Two drunk chicks drop their car off at a friend's house and call for a cab. They were barely 21 if they were 21.

Long story short they thought they were pretty cute. In fact they were just obnoxious. They spent the whole trip annoying me with little cutsy-isms and foul language that would shame a sailor.

They did not know the address to which they were going, so instead of calling their friend to confirm an address they had me drive up and down the street until they saw a car that looked familiar. The fare came to something like $15, it would have been 10 or 12 if they knew where they were going.

You're going to give us a discount, right?

Not tonight, ladies.

But we're cute enough for a discount, don'chya think?

No comment. I just let that one go. One of them handed me a ten.

Come on. It's 15, girls.

You don't think we're cute?

I think smart chicks are the cutest.

WE'RE SMART!

What's the capital of Canada?

End of conversation. Got paid. No tip, though.

BTW. The check in the previous story was good.

The rulez of cabdriving

2009-08-08T17:22:00.003-08:00

Rule #1: Never take a check.

Rule #2: Never ever take a check from someone going to the airport.

Rule #3: Never take checks from hippies.

Took a check from a guy with a hard luck story. Something about being in the Bush, being in a hurry to make his flight and his kid being in the hospital. Claimed to be a state employee in the Bush studying bear scat... or something. I clearly broke rules 1 and 2, but I did so with my eyes wide open.

When I got home and took a closer look at the check I noted it had "Earth Day", "Plant Trees for America" logos and something about Yellowstone Park.

Anyone want to take bets on how high the check bounces?

Only in Fairbanks

2009-08-07T02:01:00.002-08:00

Got a call to pick up at a low budget apartment complex. As I pulled up I noted a cop putting a man in handcuffs into the back of his patrol car. I had a feeling....

Me: That wouldn't happen to be the guy who called for a cab from 206, would it?

Officer: Why yes it is. You want him?
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Officer, noting my skepticism: He's got money.

Me: You got somewhere to go, Lincoln?

Lincoln: I would go get something to eat.

Me: Sure. I'll take him off your hands.

The cop un-cuffed him, he got in the cab and we left.

It ain't the Jewish Synagogue

2009-08-06T07:23:00.004-08:00

Dispatcher: I've got one at the Immaculate Conception Church.

New driver: Is that the Catholic Church?

I'm sorry. That's not much of a story, but I'm still chuckling about it.

This is seriously pissing me off

2009-07-28T11:05:00.002-08:00

The local media (at least the media to which I listen) are saturated with advertisements about the Lipizzaner Stallions. The advertisement contains the following line:

Watch as world famous Lipizzaner Stallions astound you with their amazing leaps in the air above the ground!

Try this on for size:

Watch as world famous Lipizzaner Stallions astound you with their amazing leaps ~~in the air above the ground~~!

Obama acted stupidly

2009-07-27T15:19:00.002-08:00

Everyone was eager to believe the cop was a racist. Now that the facts are known, why will no one call the racist professor with a chip on his shoulder the racist that he certainly appears to be?

Turning in my cabdriver license.

2009-07-20T22:34:00.003-08:00

I was parked outside the Mecca Bar waiting for a drunk to stumble out. Instead, this tourist approached me and asked in broken English:

Ahhhh, red light district?

Not really.

Are you ahhhhhh, local?

Yes.

No red light district?

I came up blank. Since the one shady massage parlor burned down and the cops cracked down on the walking girls Fairbanks has not been whoremonger friendly.

I tried to explain that to the tourist. Don't know how successful I was.

The best I could do was explain that a couple iffy-looking massage places had sprung up in the last couple weeks but I hadn't heard any scuttlebutt about them.

I consider all the times over the years that tourists have asked directions to the strip clubs, hookers and massage parlors...... and I feel useless... as a cabdriver I should know how to squeeze money from a horny drunk... but I was forced to face the fact that I just didn't know where he could get laid. It was a humbling experience.

Must say (from a purely cabdriving point of view, dear) that I miss Lee's Massage Parlor. It was out of town, nearly a $30 fare to get there from downtown. In the last few years Lee always called my cab company when she had a customer who needed to get back into town. Made quite a bit of money shuttling her customers around over the years.

I wish her the best of luck.

Just ran into this chick the other day.... reminded me of a story

2009-07-19T03:36:00.003-08:00

Picked up this chick at an apartment complex many moons ago. I knew her and I knew that she always expected the people at her destination to pay for her cab ride... even if she had her own money.

She was packing bags of booze out of this apartment. She had me open the trunk so she could put the booze in, which I dutifully did. I learned many years ago that it is always best to put bags or anything that might be needed to be held as collateral in the trunk... and booze is good collateral.

Anyway, we get to where we were going and she didn't have any money. She needed to go into the house and ask for money. Fine with me. I'm running the meter. After all, I have collateral secured in the trunk. She and this other guy came out of the house and apologized for not having any money to pay for the cab ride.

"That's all right. Don't worry about it."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Pay me when you can."

"Thank you thank you thank you. Wait! Where are you going!? I have stuff in the trunk."

"What?"

"My bags are still in your trunk!"

"Oh those. I'll hold on to them until you get some money."

"You can't do that!"

"Watch me."

"That's a couple hundred dollars worth of booze!"

"Just call me when you get the $10 for the cab fare. Better make it $20 because I can't keep it in the cab. I'll need to drop it off at the shop, and I'll need to charge you for the trip to deliver it."

"I'm going to call the police. You can't do that."

"And tell them what? You stole a couple hundred dollars worth of booze from some guy and I won't give it to you?" (That was a guess on my part. I suspect she was taking some booze that didn't belong to her.)

Needless to say they came up with $10 for the cab ride.

Needless to say I had the meter running and the fare was up to $15 by the time they scraped the money together.

Needless to say I got the extra $5 with no argument whatsoever.

2009-07-16T01:57:00.002-08:00

I think numerous Fairbanks cabdrivers share a similar story.

Drunk Passenger: Take me to Denny's.

No problem. I take them to Denny's.

Drunk Passenger: Where the hell are we?

Me: We're at Denny's.

DP: This isn't Denny's. This is a restaurant.
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Me: You want to go to Denny the Cabdriver's house?

DP: Where do you think I meant, dumbass?

On the wall at the cab company

2009-07-15T07:06:00.001-08:00

2009-07-14T06:47:00.003-08:00

Two gay guys in the taxi:

Look at him! Is he with a girl?

Looks like it. Is he going home with a chick?

It looks like it.

Me: That pervert.

(Prolonged unnatural silence)

Me: I'm kidding.

(Sound of crickets chirping)

I guess it wasn't that funny.

Ĉu vi parolas Esperanton?

2009-06-19T21:19:00.002-08:00

Mi kaj miaj filinoj lernas Esperanton.

Ĉu vi loĝas proksima Fairbanks kaj parolas Esperanton? Alaska?

Through the Ages

2009-06-16T17:20:00.004-08:00

I've had the opportunity to play several games of Through the Ages and I must say I am disappointed. TtA looked like a promising game and I was eager to get a copy. It is not a bad game, but it is not nearly good enough to meet my expectations. I find it to be an average game that I will probably never play again. Not only is it disappointing, it is a long game. Too long to justify the effort of playing.

TtA is a civilization building game in which there is no map. Players have a mat in front of them on which they build their respective civilizations. Players develop technology and build their civilizations keeping in mind that their citizens must be happy, fed, prepared for aggression from other players, and prone to corruption. Sounds like it should be right up my alley. I love empire building games where you start with little and build into a large empire. Win or lose I always feel a sense of accomplishment at the end. Not so with Through the Ages.

Without giving a review of the game I find it to be overly luck dependant, especially in a four player game. In a four player game it is possible that the good farming and technology cards never get around to you or get around to you much too late. This makes it quite difficult to keep your civilization advancing at the same rate as your opponents.

I find the final scoring to be overly luck dependant and entirely out of proportion to the scoring that occurs during the game. Each player has opportunities to secretly add cards to the deck that will determine what bonuses each player will earn on final scoring, but the possibilities are numerous. Because the final scoring is very much an issue of luck, I would say that final scoring should add no more than 10% to one's final score. It may add 70% or more to your score.

The rulebook is a mess, a horrible mess. The rules were written for a simple game, rules were added for an advanced game, and more rules were added for the full game. Sounds simple enough, but finding a particular rule in the book is not easy. On top of that the rules are wrong in several spots, do not clarify certain basic questions, and are confusing.

I give it a six. Through the Ages is the first of its kind. There is the kernel of a great game here. Someday, someone will take that kernel and make a great game with that system.