THE REALESTS

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2008-07-03T11:09:00.011-04:00

That Braylon Edwards - he never stops cracking us up.

There's a feature on him "going Hollywood" in the current issue of ESPN The Magazine. We were rolling on the floor after reading this quote from Bray before he entered a meeting with L.A. bigwigs:

The 25-year-old Browns receiver's ensemble was carefully designed, he says, to show he's professional and fun. Even his fragrance, Bond No. 9, serves a higher purpose. "It's my war cologne," he says. "It's a strong, masculine scent. I wear it when I'm trying to show confidence or be dominant."

Say what??? Seriously, how does dude say that with a straight face?

This guy deserves some serious props for completely transforming his image from prima donna to media darling - and becoming a top 10 NFL receiver.

But admit it. The guy's still got a little R. Kelly in him...

P.S. How about the immortal Hayes Grooms cashing in as his business manager?! Yeah Hayes!

Editor's Note: You have no idea how much sleep we lost deciding R.O.W. honors between Braylon and Will from The Real World, who:

A) Cheated on his girlfriend in Cancun.

B) Had a foursome after the girlfriend dumped him.

C) Didn't tell her about said foursome when given a second chance and made himself cry to get back in her good graces.

GRADY TRAIN: SCREECHING, WASTED HALT

2008-07-02T13:20:00.009-04:00

The disappointment never ends with this guy. MGoBlog has the dibs on Kevin Grady's DWI arrest in Wyoming, Mich. this morning.

Judging by dawg's mug shot, Grady will be lucky if he's on the team in a month.

Of course, this is Dick Rod we're talking about. He had a player on WVU that was convicted of sticking up a Smoothie King, so who knows.

Either way, the former top 25 recruit - yeah, that's him rated one spot ahead of Rashard Mendenhall - is fast on his way to becoming the next Kelly Baraka. We've got even money on him playing I-AA ball by October.

MORE MICHIGAN FUN IN VEGAS

2008-07-02T10:52:00.004-04:00

We pity those of you that have already used up your summer Vegas trip.

That's because we here at The Realests have discovered that not only is Brian Ellerbe hanging out in Sin City, former Olympic and Michigan gymnast Elise Ray is also there performing in Cirque du Soleil (coincidentally, that's what we suspected Ellerbe was doing).

She is part of the "Cadre "act, twirling on a high bar as a zebra. Yes, you read that correctly.

It's hard out there for a former gymnast. Just ask 2004 gold medal winner Carly Patterson, who is currently trying to launch a singing career.

Or ask Ray's former teammate at Michigan, "Ms. Thang" Calli Ryals, who is still plugging away at a career in film. After a critically acclaimed debut in Stick It, the only thing to change on her IMDB page in the last two years are publicity photos she got done herself.

Anyway: Kick back, drop a couple quaaludes and enjoy the freak show.

2008 BIG TEN PREVIEW: MINNESOTA

2008-07-01T10:20:00.005-04:00

It's that time of year again, people.

Throw away your Lindy's, your Sporting News, and most definitely your Phil Steele college football specials - The Realests Big Ten Preview has arrived. After our basketball preview ran a month over schedule, we're kicking off the football outlook on this glorious July 1st.

Get hyped!

2007 Preview: Here
2007 Record: 1-11 (0-8)
Projected 2008 Finish: 11th
Returning Starters: 17
Head Coach: Tim Brewster
Best Player: WR Eric Decker

Reasons for Optimism:

- Somehow, some way, Punky Brewster brought in a (JuCo heavy) top 20 recruiting class, including stud QB MarQueis Gray. Overheard in Minnesota's football offices: "Ron, I'm gonna need you to lend me those hookers..."

- We mocked it last year, but TCF Bank Stadium is actually really coming along! Maybe it's a little late for this, but what's going to appeal to recruits about playing in sub-zero temperatures again?

Reasons for Pessimism:

- This team lost to D-II North Dakota State last year at home!

- As sad as it sounds, Minnesota was lucky to be 1-11. Miami (OH) shanked a 33-yard field goal that would have put Minny at 0-12.

- Tim Brewster brought in the spread offense but forgot to design a defense. The Gophers finished dead last (119th) in total D. Minnesota's big offseason move: Hiring fired Duke head coach Ted Roof to close the flood gates. BTW, Duke finished 92nd in total defense last year. Good luck with that...

- Three starters on the offensive line are gone. This just in: blocking is important in the spread offense.

- 2006 standout CB Dominic Jones is in jail for the next four years. But hey, he should be jacked for his 2012 return!

Summary:

As often happens, the Minnesota athletic department got greedy and canned Glen Mason after another mediocre season 2006. Brewster booted three defensive players before his first game and pretty much bent over and grabbed his ankles for the rest of the year. The Gophers put up some points with the spread offense but the Swiss Cheese defense couldn't stop anybody.

Brewster has taken the Ron Zook route and recruited like crazy in hopes of a miraculous turnaround. Sadly, this won't be the year. Expect the Gophers to close out the Metrodome in style with another dead-last finish.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2008-06-30T12:31:00.005-04:00

It's a shame we can't include Wayne's entire social diatribe from DontGetIt, but that's not how this blog rolls. Our favorite excerpt:

"Uh, Mr. Al Sharpton, here's why I don't respect you and nobody like you.

Mmm hmm, see you're the type that gets off on gettin' on other people. That's not good - no homo.

And rather unhuman I should say. I mean, given the fact that humanity - well, good humanity, rather - to me, is helpin' one another, no matter your color or race.

But this guy - and people like him - they'd rather speculate before they informate, if that's a word..."

At first glance, "informate" seems like a nonexistent form of the word "inform."

But upon further inspection, Weezy might be using double entendres on our ass. It turns out "infumate" is the act of exposing something to (read: weed) smoke.

And maybe we're just scratching the surface with this. Who knows, Weezy could be using triple or, dare I say, quadruple entendres here.

Maybe Weezy F. really is a nonsensical genius...

YOUR 2009 NBA DRAFT NO. 1 PICK?

2008-06-27T18:24:00.008-04:00

Already thinking about the 2009 NBA Draft? We got you covered.

If you thought Knicks fans gave Danilo Gallinari a harsh reception last night, wait until they get a load of Ricky Rubio next year (over/under on Knicks victories: 22).

Already being called the next Pistol Pete, this 17-year old twerp looks like your paper boy. Yeah, let's see how that goes over at The Garden.

But this white boy has skillz and is going to be the breakout star of the Beijing Olympics.

And when you consider the entire freshman class was napalmed last night, he's got a decent shot to go No. 1 unless B.J. Mullens becomes the next Greg Oden at OSU (Blake Griffin? Eh, we're not sold.)

We're reserving our seats for the WaMu theater first thing Monday.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2008-06-27T10:54:00.006-04:00

Today's choice cut from the aptly titled "Don't Get It":

"Dropping ashes in the bible, I shake 'em out and they fall on the rifle. Scary, Hail Mary, no tale fairy. All real very, extraordinary."

Tale fairy? Really, Wayne? Don't we give rappers enough leniancy with half-rhymes and such that you don't have to resort to tale fairy?

What's next, rapping in pig latin to make things rhyme? Oh wait, Juvenile basically already did that...

Editor's Note: We're glad to see Maceo Baston is in good spirits after getting shipped to Toronto like a crate of tomato cans, as he makes an excellent point about "tail fairy." Cheers, Maceo.

WHAT THE GAME'S BEEN MISSING

2008-06-26T10:14:00.006-04:00

This is always the worst time of year for sports fans. Once the NBA Draft is done, we'll be stuck with MLB all summer as we count down the days 'til football returns.

For blogs, it means a lot of filler posts and pointless drivel.

But that all changed a couple days ago with the first major beef in the sports blogosphere: The Big Lead vs. Deadspin and Kissing Suzy Kolber.

A quick recap:

- TBL's Jason McIntyre gets interviewed for an L.A. Times story on sports blogs

- Deadspin's Will Leitch puts McIntyre on blast for quotes Leitch views as selling out

- McIntyre responds saying he wants no part in the beef and takes a dig at KSK's Matt Ufford in the process

- Ufford goes apeshit and rips McIntyre apart in a post entitled, "Jason McIntyre, Tell Me How My Ass Tastes"

Damn, it feels like the Source Awards in here:

As the 69th most influential sports blog in the world, we feel obligated to take sides on this one - but we're torn:

In our mind, TBL is now a far better blog than Deadspin. We at least skim over every single post at TBL, while we find ourselves just clicking "Mark All As Read" with Deadspin.

That being said, McIntyre's position of "becoming more ethical the bigger your blog gets" is obviously indefensible.

On the flip side of that, Will Leitch's "King of the Blogosphere" act is getting old. He acts like he doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks, but then spends his entire book explaining himself with idiotic logic (i.e. putting up pictures of wasted athletes makes them "more real"). If Leitch spent as much time on Deadspin's content as he does defending himself, maybe the site would still be a must-read. And dude: If you really don't care what anyone thinks, stop talking about it!

As for KSK, did they overreact a little bit? Yes. But these guys are complete savages. Everyone already knew that. Like the old Snoop Dogg, the guys at KSK are completely out of their damn minds and ready to pop off on anyone. Now that's real.

So basically we're just hoping this escalates and gets completely out of hand.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2008-06-25T12:59:00.006-04:00

Today's selection comes to you from "Dr. Carter":

"Swagger tighter than a yeast infection. Fly go hard like geese erection."

Yeast infections and geese erections? Is this the extent of what Weezy studied at med school?

Do us a favor: If Lil Wayne ever ends up operating on us, just pull the plug...

DUMBEST RAPPER ALIVE

2008-06-24T09:42:00.006-04:00

Lil Wayne is getting dumber by the day. And at the rate he is going right now - combined with all the cough syrup he must be pounding on a nightly basis - the man could be a complete vegetable by Thanksgiving.

Take a peep at this Q&A conducted by Rolling Stone:

Q: On "Mr. Carter," Jay-Z calls you "my heir, Young Carter" — that had to feel pretty cool.

A: That line right there was hard! Unbelievable. I didn't even realize it at first. My homie had to tell me "You know what he said, right?" I didn't even get it. I was like, "Why is he saying 'air'? Is he just talking about the air?" But I'm smart enough to know that he's smart enough not to just be talking about the air.

Does this remind anyone of the scene in The 40-Year Old Virgin when Jay gets into it with a customer?

"First of all, you throwin' too many big words at me, and because I don't understand 'em I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect."

Thankfully this time beef was avoided.

REALESTS OF THE WEEK

2008-06-23T13:49:00.004-04:00

We wish we were half as cool as these guys.

After the first 20 seconds of this clip, you might believe this is a parody. You'd be mistaken. This was actually shown on NBC after Saturday Night Live here in New York.

Even better, we were once at a party with Dan "The Man." Without having seen this, we immediately commented on what a douche he was.

We had no idea:

We're putting 3-1 odds on at least one of these guys belonging to the Michigan chapter of Beta.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2008-06-23T10:38:00.003-04:00

From the banger "A Millie:"

"I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed."

Wait, periods are a form of VD? We better go get tested for Lil Wayne stat.

MICHIGAN DITCHES WINGED HELMET

2008-06-20T14:11:00.004-04:00

Did we overreact to Michigan's new away uniform? Maybe.

Then again, maybe not.

Apparently unsatisfied with stealing the basketball coach, football coach (plus their entire staffs) and West Virginia's uniforms, Michigan athletic director Bill Martin announced today that Big Blue will no longer don the traditional winged helmets.

The new Michigan helmet will look suspiciously similar to the Mountaineers - a blue helmet with the new interlocking UM logo on the side - to the delight of Dick Rod.

"Sooooo weeeeee - let the Big Dog eat!" Rod shouted at a press conference announcing the change.

"We have to fave facts: The winged helmet, like everything in this athletic department, was great at one time. But now it is old and stale," said Martin. "If Fielding Yost were here today, I think he'd be proud to be a West Vir... er, Michigan Man."

Martin concluded by openly acknowledging the similarity between the two helmets but added: "West Virginia can eat my ass."

Image credit: T Dizzle

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2008-06-20T10:30:00.002-04:00

Today's selection comes from "Mr. Carter":

I feel big! Not, not "big" in the sense of weight, you know like gaining weight or - nothing like that. But like COLOSSAL, you know what I mean? Like... (Sigh)

We know dog, we know - (Sigh)... Now are you gonna pass the 'Tussin or what?

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2008-06-19T16:24:00.001-04:00

Well that didn't take long. During his second night on the job, Jerry Manuel got into it with Mets shortstop Jose Reyes after yanking his start SS due to injury.

Afterward, South Side Jerry made it clear he ain't gonna be anyone's bitch like Willie Randolph. Said Manuel:

"I told him next time he does that I'm going to get my blade out and cut him. I'm a gangster. You go gangster on me, I'm going to have to get you.

I would do anything to have seen the look on Omar Minaya's face when he read that; you get destroyed in the media over firing the old manager and two days later your new guy is threatening to stab the franchise cornerstone.

S.I. MORE DESPARATE THAN A CRACKHEAD

2008-06-19T11:00:00.003-04:00

It's just sad watching Sports Illustrated whittle down to nothing every week. Soon it's going to be the size of Derek Zoolander's cell phone.

But it's even sadder watching SI throws its journalistic integrity right out the window for a quick buck of ad revenue.

If you look in this week's issue, you'll find the special "Time Out" (read: advertising) section brought to you by McDonald's with a quote you'd normally find in SI's "Sign of the Apocalypse" section.

Q: You've been adamant in your blog (on TysonGay.net) about love for McDonald's. Safe to say you're a fan?

A: Yeah, I love that place. It means a lot to me when I see the golden arches in a foreign country. It makes my day. Even if I'm in a different environment, you can still feel good about yourself. I feel comfortable and energized, and I can say that I had a good meal.

Tyson, what the shit are you talking about?

Later, Gay goes on to list his hobbies as deforestation, poaching endangered animals and driving his Hummers in circles.

WEEZY F. BABY THOUGHT OF THE DAY

2008-06-19T09:57:00.000-04:00

There are enough gems on Tha Carter III for weeks of this new segment. Today's banger:

"My picture should be in the dictionary, next to the definition, of definition."

What does it all mean Weezy?!?!?!

LT'S COURAGEOUS COMEBACK CONTINUES

2008-06-18T13:50:00.001-04:00

In a story that's flown completely under the radar this NFL offseason, LaDainian Tomlinson has officially been cleared for practice with the San Diego Chargers after completely tearing his vulva in last year's AFC Championship Game vs. the Patriots.

Obviously people don't realize the severity of this injury, which has plagued Ken Griffey Jr. for the last decade or so.

LT went under full reconstructive surgery in February and has been rehabbing 24/7 since. This could be the most courageous return to football since Robert Edwards. He's already got our vote for Comeback Player of the Year just for having the courage to step onto the field.

Thanks LT - you're an inspiration to us all.

ANYTHING'S POSSIBULLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!

2008-06-17T23:58:00.012-04:00

Did anyone else break down crying during the Kevin Garnett interview?

"*O&#*&*^&*$%$^&&*&()*)(*(%%@#!#$%$Y^*&((*%$#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Michelle you look good tonight, girl."

It wasn't quite his Grenades, M-16s, Uzis speech, but it was close:

Realest of the Week? Done. The streets is already talking about Realest of the Year.

Between that and the debut of Weezy F. Baby's blog, it's been an emotional day here at The Realests:

YOUR 2008 MICHIGAN MOUNTAINEERS

2008-06-17T10:30:00.004-04:00

Our first reaction to hearing Michigan would be switching from Nike to adidas was, "At least we'll get rid of that stupid Maize pipping."

Au contraire... mon freres.

Somehow we've managed to combine the shitty quality of Adidas and the tackiness of West Virginia with these clunkers rumored to be Michigan's new road jerseys.

Surely this will piss WVU off even more and result in another lawsuit, for which Bill Martin should be commended.

But wow these look terrible. How did we go from having the best uniform in sports to this in just three years (I guess the home uniform still hasn't changed...)?

And if they start passing out Davey Crockett hats at Michigan Stadium, we're calling for Martin's job - and his real estate license.

SHOCKING!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-06-13T13:29:00.003-04:00

Former Ohio State linebacker Robert Reynolds has been suspended for a full year by the NFL for juicing and will likely retire.

Gee, who would have ever suspected 'roid rage for a guy that almost choked Jim Sorgi to death on the football field?

FAKESTS OF THE WEEK

2008-06-13T12:59:00.007-04:00

We thought we'd heard the last of these clowns with the Kings' nosedive into NBA obscurity, but apparently not.

Such is life as a media whore.

After wondering aloud "Who are those two white doofuses in the Lollipop video?" we discovered it's none other than Joe and Gavin Maloof, playboy extraordinares who also own the Palms Casino.

Go straight to 2:45; hijinx ensue:

We can just picture the director: "Joe, Gav: You see how Birdman mean-mugged while he was throwing his chips into the middle? Do it JUST LIKE THAT.... PERFECT!!!!"

Apparently, the house in the video is the Maloof mansion in Vegas. Making it even worse, the Magoof brothers are featured in the David Banner's "Get Like Me" video.

Years from now people will look back and mark this as the official moment hip-hop died. R.I.P.

THE NEW YORK POST: STILL MORONS

2008-06-13T09:50:00.000-04:00

You'd think after 15 years in New York, the fine people at the New York Post would learn Michael Strahan's position. You would be mistaken. From yesterday's paper:

"Even NBC is getting in line to talk to the Hall of Fame linebacker, who can turn on the charm and talk like a college professor about football."

I mean you expect these kinds of mistake in garbage local papers - say, The Ann Arbor News - but this is absurd.

REALEST OF THE WEEK

2008-06-12T11:15:00.005-04:00

It's a beautiful thing to watch Elijah Dukes and Milton Bradley step their games up after we just named them the No. 3 and No. 5 biggest cancers in sports, respectively.

Last night, Bradley went after a Royals announcer then broke down in the KC locker room for after what Milton perceived as a diss.

A night earlier, Dukes showed up the opposing pitcher, got into an argument with DC manager Manny Acta and then - in very third-grade fashion - shafted Acta during the postgame high-five line.

(How is there no video of this online?!?!)

Milton, we're sorry. But we've got to name Dukes R.O.W. for his amazing immaturity and forcing Acta to put up with his shit (Seriously, what kind of line is "What happens in Pittsburgh stays in Pittsburgh"???) despite the fact Dukes is barely above the Mendoza Line.

This can only end badly. And we love it.

WORST. IDEA. EVER.

2008-06-11T11:31:00.004-04:00

We don't want this to come off derogatory... but this is pretty gay.

Introducing MTV's newest reality show, "Bromance":

The network has committed to six episodes of "Bromance"... The show, from Ryan Seacrest's production company, will feature a group of "regular guys" who come to Hollywood and compete in a series of challenges from skydiving to dealing with the paparazzi -- in the hopes of ultimately being chosen by Jenner to become part of his entourage.

Along the way, contestants will be whittled down via "Hot Tub Elimination Ceremonies" after which rejected "bros" will be asked to leave the bachelor pad dripping wet in a swimsuit, luggage in hand. Bringing to mind various dating reality shows, contestants also will have shots at a "group date" and "alone time" with Jenner in every episode.

From Ryan Seacrest's production company? Well that explains it.

But how does MTV sign off on this crap? People tune in to these reality shows to watch contestants A) act like whores and B) get wasted and do something really stupid.

A bunch of dudes sitting around in a hot tub trying to get in Brody Jenner's trunks? Not so much.

The only way this show can be redeemed is if BJ walks out to meet the cast for the first time and goes: "You guys signed up for a show called "Bromance"? Seriously broseidons, come out of the closet already. Now get the f*ck off my property."