confessions of a red-headed stepchild

thinking...

2007-11-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

I find it increasingly alarming how much parents cripple their children with emotional and psychological problems. And they were destroyed by their parents and their parents by their parent's parents and it makes me scared to have kids because even though I am a improved model of my parents, not contracting all of their instabilities, I have my own and I don't want to burden anyone with that.

friday confessional

2007-08-29T17:00:00.000-07:00

I have actually given this number out at the bar: 212.479.7990.

Just call it.

turns out, we are fucked

2007-01-08T22:14:00.000-08:00

So I watched An Inconvenient Truth this weekend, something I put off for a while because I hate getting even MORE depressed about things I feel I have no control over. I am not your average complacent American that would rather ignore our impending fate while pressing on, full throttle. I have been what I consider a diligent environmentalist my entire life. I worried as a young child about the slow leak in our family bath tub, and can't remember a time when I didn't recycle. I have friends call me to tell me about how they recycled knowing that I, of all the people they know, would be proud. I actually only have my trash can picked up once a month and it is only a 1/4 of the way full because I recycle and compost and god damn it what else can I fucking do!

I watched the news tonight and it sent me over the edge. I know I should have an emergency preparedness kit, but I didn't realize I might need it sooner rather than later. Can you believe we are sending more troops to Iraq? NBC actually retracted a story from earlier this week and are now admitting that warming weather, like 72 degrees in New York in January, might have something to do with global warming. And then in the same episode they told me that the flu is late this season, Manhattan had some unexplained natural gas smell, and 63 birds died. How can one person process all this and come out the other side with any hope? I realize this is NBC news, which in my mind means we are really fucked. Because they are the last people to admit we are going to die.

friday confessional

2006-12-15T21:01:00.000-08:00

I always forget to zip up my fly after I go to the bathroom, at least every other time. And once I was caught on stage singing karaoke when someone from the audience motioned to me that my fly was down. How's that for awesome?

and then she reared her ugly head

2006-12-01T20:18:00.000-08:00

I don’t really handle coincidences well. Or dreams. Or anything that might mean anything. Some days I think I am psychic, other days I think the cosmos are aligning themselves, like a secret decoder ring getting ready to reveal the final clue.

And then what? Will it all make sense? Or will we just implode?

Itemizing the coincidences (that could mean nothing more than: I am way too fucking stoned) make each instance feel so minimized. Like a dream, wherein telling, loses every ounce of glory it once had.

Just trust me. Something crazy is going to happen, much crazier than a dead blog coming back to life.

plagued by profection

2006-05-02T08:33:00.000-07:00

I am alive. And I got so used to not blogging that I almost forgot I had a blog.

What have I been up to? Working less and living more. That was the plan and I was scared it wouldn't work, but it has been so far. The new career is great, summer is almost here and if I could just nail down a date to take myself on a vacation there won't be a single thing on my to-do list that isn't at least started.

But that isn't why I am blogging today. I am blogging today about typos. The typo I just realized I made in the title of this post, but it worked so I left it be.

I was raised by one of those parents that made you do all of the dishes over again if one wasn't clean, do-it-right-the-first-time-damn-it. Which I am thankful for, because I would hate to be incompetent. But now I suffer from being submerged in a society where the majority doesn't give a shit.

I am not claiming to be some grammar queen, or spelling bee champion. But I care enough to read something before I publish it, and heck I even use spell check from time to time.

I just paid for an advertisement that was delivered to over 3,000 people and in the process of "reformatting" an already perfect ad, the advertising company dropped the "r" off of the word "your" and I am mortified.

And because the last checks and business cards I ordered had typos too, I feel like there is a lesson to learn here, one that has nothing to do with proof reading, or always using more commas than one sentence can possibly hold.

In the same two month period I bought a coffee maker that doesn't work and rented a U-Haul truck for which they charged me THREE times.

Can someone please interpret this waking dream?

when i am not blogging...

2006-03-28T20:13:00.000-08:00

just when i thought i had enough

2006-03-24T10:27:00.000-08:00

Rather than throw out your AOL CDs I encourage you to forward them to Donald too. Just because it will make me laugh to find out that even one person reading this actually did it. What else are you going to do with them? Consider it recycling.

Cross out your address and write:

Forward to:

Donald Malone
PO Box 37380
Albuquerque, NM 87176

t-mobile makes me a crazy lady - pt. 1

2006-03-23T15:37:00.000-08:00

I hate T-Mobile and that is all there is to it. I have ten months left on my contract and time is moving like molasses. I decided the best way to spend this time is to try and make them half as crazy as they have made me. We have to talk about my $270.00 phone bill for last month later, because I am really stuck on this text messaging thing.

I am sure every other cell phone company charges for incoming messages but I feel strangely compelled to fight paying it, kicking and screaming, even if it is only five fucking cents per message. I sent them a letter with my last payment explaining why my check was 25 cents short the total amount owed. I explained to them how crazy it is to charge someone for something they can not refuse. Don't mind me, I am just dropping a bag of dog shit on your door step and will bill you for it later! I don't want to send text messages or receive them. In response to that letter my new friend Donald sent me this:

Dear Crazy Lady:

Thank you for contacting T-Mobile. We have received a request to review the account per the request you ask that the $.25 + tax charge be removed from your account. Per the request you advise that you have no way to block text messages from being sent to your handset, you do not want this feature for any additional cost to you and you have made a payment for $89.97.

We would like to apologize for any inconveniences that you have encountered.

We see that you have just activated with T-Mobile on 01/10/06 and we would like to thank you for choosing T-Mobile!

We have reviewed your account and found that the current balance is $272.08, the last payment received was for $89.97 received on 02/28/06 and the account is current.

Regarding the disputed text messaging charges; review of the first February cycle shows that there are 5 incoming texts and one outgoing text. Due to T-Mobile billing by the SIM, which is completely unique and cannot be duplicated, the texts were sent/received by your SIM card. The SIM registers to your account and is billed appropriately.

T- Mobile does not offer a way to block incoming texts however you may speak with people that sent them and request they do not send further texts.

Due to the validity of the charges we will not remove the charges.

Thank you for being a T-Mobile customer.

If you have any further questions please feel free to contact us at PO Box 37380, Albuquerque, NM 87176 or via fax # 813-353-6545. Our customer care department is also available 24 hours a day at 800-937-8997.

Sincerely,

Donald Malone

My response to Donald:

Donald,

Thank you for your letter. While reading it I wasted about 5 minutes of my time. I charge $35/hr. which means you owe me $2.92. I also have a new program where I forward all of my incoming AOL CDs to you. Is this the best address to use? I will be charging $5.00/per CD, plus shipping and handling.

I will be visiting family in Albuquerque this July. I would love to get together to further develop this business relationship. Call me. You have my number.

Your bill for March:

$2.92 for wasting my time
$5.00 for your first AOL CD (enclosed)
$.39 Postage

Total Amount due: $8.31

Your prompt payment is appreciated!

Sincerely,

Crazy Lady

star wars cell phone ringtone guy

2006-03-14T20:04:00.000-08:00

You know the type, the bossy know-it-all in your IT department. They come in late, they don't have to keep their desk clean, they tell you what you can and can't have installed on your machine yet they don't have to abide by any of the same company policies, like the dress code. And the only thing that is worse then interacting with them is working with them. I am really tolerant. I take a lot of abuse. And I have to hear daily what a surprise it is to see a girl in IT. I am about as tired of hearing that as I am "you look like Julia Stiles".

I am not really a geek. It is just a job. I am not a gamer. I don't collect action figures. I am not into science fiction. I bathe. I have clothing purchased within the last ten years. I don't procrastinate and I don't talk down to people when they don't know as much as I do. But today I seriously questioned my ability to continue working in this field, and I used every ounce of self control I have to keep myself from flying across the room and gouging someone's eyes out.

I showed up to a job and the client's personal computer technician was there. I was polite and when faced with his obvious attempts to prove his self worth I did very little to compete. I even got up from the drivers seat when asked so he could perform something he felt was above me. I am used to this, I have worked in IT for ten years and the geeks I have worked with are not any more adept with interpersonal relations. What I did mind was him turning to me with his squeaky little voice and saying, "I assume you know what I am doing?" It was at that precise moment I decided I hated him. He oozed with condescension. And if I were into playing his game I would have told him I prefer to perform the task from the command line...

I just did my best to ignore his attmepts at making conversation. But with every step I took he engaged me in talk, like agruing with me about the type of email server MY company uses, how OUR network is setup and then he told me HE created a program that is integral to the type of business MY clients are in. He made it. Like Al Gore made the Internet.

Then his phone rang and he actually downloaded a star wars theme song ringtone. Has he no shame?

bingo!

2006-03-13T17:55:00.000-08:00

This game would be really fun to play in here in Portland, or Williamsburg.

There was a point in time when someone had to explain to me what a hipster was. That was before I moved to Portland. Now I am getting a kick out of reading these definitions, especially this one:

Hipster: You, for reading ironic, pseudo-intellectual dictionary entries on the word "hipster".

"These dictionary entries on hipsters are so comical! I'm going to email this link to 800 of my closest acquaintances, head to Value Village, grab a chai and then play kickball in a headband and short-shorts."

The funniest part about hipsters is that none of them will ever admit they are hipsters, which makes me wonder if I am one...

this place is a mess

2006-02-27T22:21:00.000-08:00

I come here and want to post something exciting, something that will make you double over with laughter. But nothing is coming to me. Isn't it true that when life is good you are out living it? I come here to bitch and complain. To ask those burning questions about the crazy people who just don't get it. I leave you with my hurt and my frustration. But I don't have any today, or yesterday, or in the last month.

Life is really good.

I recently joined the world of the self employed and I feel very content. I have been gardening and enjoying every moment I am not working, which is far less than when I actually had a job.

What have you all been doing?

friday confessional

2006-02-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

After seven days with no meat I ate a big juicy burger with pepper bacon and blue cheese dressing.

hanging by a string

2006-02-13T15:19:00.000-08:00

This video is making me laugh so hard. Come on, laugh with me.

And if that link doesn't work try clicking here and then clicking on Domestic Pardners.

muddy inflatables

2006-02-08T22:42:00.000-08:00

Christmas decorations are still up in St. Johns.

this one is for you

2006-01-31T15:02:00.000-08:00

I have something for you. My blog is almost two years old and I want to celebrate! Email me with your name and address. I will send you a surprise. And no it is not poop.

friday confessional

2006-01-29T02:10:00.000-08:00

It is Sunday morning at 2:11am. So fucking what? I was thinking of you on Friday, but I was preoccupied with dinner and a Michael Damian look-a-like. Therefore I was unable to post until now.

So there I was being served a New Orleans style dinner, and Mint Juleps, by Danny from Young and the Restless. I knew from the moment he handed us our menus that I had to tell him. And I honestly thought he must have heard it before.

I have heard it all: Julia Styles, Nicole Kidman, Christie Brinkley. So after my second drink I said: "You look like Michael Damian." Huh? I said "Young and the Restless?" I don't think he was a fan. I told him how I was madly in love with Michael in the 6th grade. I neglected to tell him that I recorded the soap opera while I was at school (it was on at 11am) and actually draped a blanket over the TV and took pictures, so I could have photograhs to HOLD IN MY HANDS. And do you know what the waiter said to me? He said, "So you think I am hot?"

No. I am not in love with Michael Damian anymore. I was when I was 12. And I am on a date. So, when I told you to google Michael-fucking-Damian, I hope you find this.

is that freedom rock?

2006-01-25T23:19:00.000-08:00

I am so in love with this video. Thank you Ghost of Professor Leotus! I have listened to it ten times now and I am still going strong. Fuck yeah!

u.n.i.t.why?

2006-01-25T10:03:00.000-08:00

I totally forgot about Queen Latifah. Until this last Christmas when I was barraged with Wal-Mart commercials featuring her and other notable musicians I can't remember at the moment. At first I didn't understand why these people were supporting Wal-Mart. Don't we all hate Wal-Mart? Then I realized I have no idea why Miss Latifah is asked to do these commercials at all. Why is she famous? I remember that one song she sang back in 1994, and I know she has been in a variety of lame shows and movies. But that doesn't cut it. Are there any fans out there who can break this down for me?

real estate midgets

2006-01-13T23:01:00.000-08:00

I can go to the mall and not buy a single fucking thing, but the minute an infomercial comes on I feel the burning desire to simplify my life with single purpose kitchen utensils and become instantly rich with odd ball investment strategies.

Have you seen these real estate midgets? They are going to be in your area soon and you can learn how to invest nothing and make over 30k in less than 3 months. Turn and burn baby. I love the real estate midgets and I finally found their website only to realize that one of them died. Lame.

I am not sure if I should feel bad calling them real estate midgets. I never know what is politically correct and I by no means want to discriminate or hurt anyone's feelings, but the fact that they show up number 1 on google when I type in those words leads me to believe they thought I might refer to them as that. So I think they would have been okay with it.

Did you know if you type in gogole.com it redirects you to google.com? That is sweet. Sweet is my new favorite word. I am sick of it already so I can't imagine how the people who have to hangout with me feel.

thinking...

2006-01-12T20:53:00.000-08:00

No matter how long I live in North Portland, I don't get any closer to understanding how someone can smoke a cigarette while riding a bike.

neither here, nor there

2006-01-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

Life is standing still. I am at the end of the first week of my last month at work. I am one week from living alone. I am one day from my best friend being back on the east coast. I am 2 hours from a soccer game. 26 minutes from being off work and after all of this has passed I have no idea whether the sun will rise.

My friend's Dad was hit by a car and killed on Christmas in downtown Portland. My Dad was supposed to meet him one month before, almost to the day. I am not superstitious. But I can't quit wondering if the events would have unfolded the same way had they met. Okay. Maybe I am a little superstitious.

I feel numb. I feel like I am playing limbo and I can't bend any farther without reality crashing into the forefront of my mind. I know what lies ahead and it scares the shit out of me. But I can't touch it. So it doesn't feel real. All the little things that keep piling up. The flat tires. The lunches and dinners and the money I don't have. The parties and side jobs and errands that need running. The friend's bands that are playing and the poker parties that need dealing. I haven't slept more than 7 hours all week because I don't have enough time in each day.

I know what drives people to addiction. The only cure for this insanity is a shot of tequila. Or five.

And with warm fuzzy numb thoughts I give you my accomplished tasks of the last year.

Bought my first home
Spent more time with the people I love
Worried less
Scored 2 goals
Learned that Jack already knew how to roll over
Grew my own vegetables in my first garden
One year completely anti-depressant free!
Saved enough money to risk becoming self employed

I am impressed with myself. And exhausted just reading this.

the neighbor's house

2005-12-18T08:46:00.000-08:00

Last year they left the decorations up until April.

rip my heart out

2005-12-16T14:48:00.000-08:00

My Dad's house burned to the ground this morning. He lived on 40 acres, in a beautiful home with no electricity or running water. I hated this house as a teenager, it even made my top ten list, but it was his home. It was where his heart was. He is a loner, a survivalist, and the house fit that part of him like a glove.

I spoke with him last night before he went to bed. He told me that he had found an old marble racing track he built for me as a child. He was going to send it to me along with his antique marble collection. It is gone.

Obviously material possessions consume our lives and thinking of losing everything other than the clothes on your back is almost unfathomable. But life is the only thing that can't be replaced. He was able to get out and is in ICU recovering from carbon monoxide poisoning and second degree burns.

Adding to my list of things to be thankful for:
My Dad woke up at 2am and smelled smoke.

christmas tree hugger

2005-12-15T00:24:00.000-08:00

I am sitting at work next to mounds of bagged Styrofoam. I have been searching frantically for some sort of recycling option. But does recycling Styrofoam create more pollution than burying it?

These are the things that keep me awake at night.

I ran across this website and find it alarming, yet totally surreal. People are convinced plastics and Styrofoam are “good for families” and “safe for the environment”.

And years from now we will read articles like this and this. My Aunt was born with crippling birth defects from fertility drugs that were “tested” and “safe”, oops!

While I am juggling all of this Styrofoam, I can't help but think about Christmas. If you must drain your bank account, buying people things they don’t need, do something good for the environment:

Ecoist handbags are made from recycled candy wrappers, food packages, and soft drink labels. These excess materials have been discarded due to printing defects or discontinued candy lines. Ecoist believes in recycling these wasted materials by giving them a new life. Become an Ecoist, and help us preserve the earth with style.

Dagoba chocolate is awesome and it is made in my hometown where Styrofoam is banned! All products are Certified Organic, Kosher, and Fair Trade Certified. They are family owned and manufacture in small batches at a 100% organic facility, powered entirely by renewable energy.

Grounds for Change is a family owned and operated coffee roasting business located in the Pacific Northwest. They roast Fair Trade, Organic, Shade Grown coffee to order, by hand, in small batches to ensure that you receive the freshest coffee possible!

And when all else fails, girls love flowers.

Editor's Note: Can you believe fur is back in?