Karenee's Backlog

Facing Up to the Negatives--in Christ

2008-07-10T08:46:00.000-07:00

(This is a modification of a post I made in a Facebook thread, "What is the worst thing about being an MK?" in response to a disagreement about whether it's godly to tell people about the discouragements and burdens we have faced.)

Coming into/through/out of a very hard time, I thought there weren't other people like me, not Christians, anyway. I was desperate to be loved, but I didn't know how to get love in this culture. It seemed to be twisted around so everyone was expecting a return on investment, and one had to pay for love somehow.

It is good, not only to permit oneself to admit to life not living up to expectations, but also to identify the fact that this is not an abnormal thing in this world. Recognizing and facing my own inappropriate expectations freed me to permit my thinking to adjust in a more godly direction. Realizing that my need had focused on people instead of God freed me to admit my wrong perspective and thinking. I thought it was other peoples' duty to love me, not seeing that it wasn't my business what other people did, but rather how I invested my own time and interest toward glorifying and honoring God by the way I chose to love.

AND

This change of perspective came about because I did share the hard things in life that had changed me, and made me who I am, and not just the challenges and separation that came with being an MK. The thing is, I shared them with someone who had a godly perspective. It's a good thing I didn't find someone who would tell me I had every right to be bitter and hang on to those things, or I'd be a worse person today for the sharing. So, I understand that sometimes it is wrong to show bitterness or focus in on the pain we've gone through. One does have to be careful where and how something is shared.

Yet, there is also a time when it becomes our job to share the trials and burdens of our lives with others in a new way. As God heals us, He then calls us to pour out the excess grace He floods into our lives by sharing with others that He DOES heal. We are no longer being negative when we share the burdens of our past, because through it all you identify what wonders God has performed in your life IN and THROUGH the trials.

I am so glad my life isn't easy. I'm so glad I have difficult people in my life. I'm less glad when I'm hurting. I cry and rebel and tell God what I think of Him for letting these things happen to me... but then I realize what I might have been without the hurt.

I could have remained that selfish little twerp who graduated high school and thought she'd never sin too badly, and expected to have an easy time loving everyone and being loved because she was just a nice person. I could have continued presenting a perfect mask to people and intimidating them away from my Savior by making them think He expects (at least a pretense of) perfection from us. I could have continued subsisting on dreams of perfection instead of facing a real and imperfect life and leaning on ... clinging to ... desperately begging for God's help in having right attitudes in the face of wrong attitudes. I could have never sinned badly enough to force my eyes open to the fact that I AM a sinner, and that my need for Christ is just as great--greater!--than those around me who have messed up lives in need of grace. (I only wish I'd recognized my sin before, but my pride set me up for the fall, and I'm glad I fell hard enough to break me.)

I could still be thinking that God intends this life to be happy instead of joyful, relaxing instead of peace-filled, enriching instead of a chance to die to self, and beautiful rather than ugly enough to make me look for God instead of this world.

It is a good thing to let people know it's alright to face up to the bitterness and bad memories of the past. It's good to let people know that other people know that life isn't perfect, and that sometimes following Christ isn't a sweet melody but rather a bleeding, screaming, harsh, grating cry out to One who has led you into fire so it will burn off some of the selfish pride that keeps you from following Him whole-heartedly. It's a good thing to admit that taking up Christ's cross involves dying to ourselves, and that it's not always a peaceful passing in the night.

But we always, always, always need to be sure we show how Christ bathes us afterward in His goodness, how He sustains us through pain with little gifts and touches of relief, how He pours Himself into the broken pieces that we think can't possibly heal and turns them, slowly, into translucent places where His light flows out of our lives unhindered.

We need to be sure to tell the whole story so that those who think God has forgotten them because they are hurting can see that trials are very much a part of God's love. It's worth it. God is turning my clay into treasure by breaking me apart and replacing it with Him-in-me. While I'm not always uplifted about it, and am capable of yelling at Him with all my resources of persuasion, I thank Him and praise Him with everything in me when I finally see what He's doing.

And, in the things I don't understand, I now know enough of Him to trust He's managing His glory well enough despite my lack of understanding. He has promised to be our strength, to give us peace, to share with us Christ's inheritance in heaven, and many other great and glorious gifts. Just because I can't always see it doesn't mean it isn't there. And that peace? It comes through experiencing pain and discovering God is right there helping, again, and again, and again.

Old World Wisconsin

2008-07-05T20:49:00.000-07:00

This has been a ... rapid week. I returned from the Reunion last Saturday, went to church on Sunday, watched my parents drive out on Monday after which I did the first coat of texture to my bedroom wall mural, succumbed to allergies on Tuesday for most of the day, left for an anniversary overnight at Lazy Cloud Inn on Wednesday, returned late on Thursday to collect the children from the in-laws, had a few family friends for a cookout on Friday, and followed David's sudden desire to have a family day today.

We went to Old World Wisconsin, and bought a membership, so I can take Mom and Dad when they furlough in a couple months. In an added bonus, I saw my cousins there! Only two weeks ago I didn't know S. but thankfully we met at the reunion, so when she saw me, it was mutual recognition. It was a special addition to the day, making it brighter and more memorable ... another jewel of praise on the necklace I'm making for God. (I like S. She brightens a room when she walks in. Hopefully I'll get to know her better despite my abysmal relationship maintenance skills.)

Perhaps the old times didn't seem quite so ... rustic as most WI citizens must find it, considering my upbringing contained living in conditions quite similar to those portrayed. Though, I'll admit, we did manage some conveniences like a stove and fridge and I wasn't expected to work in the fields or learn to darn.

I enjoyed the demonstrations and wished there had been more. Pixie loved the cows, pigs, and sheep. She also roared at the chickens... *sigh* We saw large horses, and she managed to pat one on the nose. Princess and Munchkin enjoyed the blacksmith and shaping a wooden peg used to join beams in one of the house styles. David enjoyed the different architecture of the buildings.

There was more, of course, but this will have to do for now. It was a good day, but I think I'm ready for us to stay at home for a while.

To Those Who Influence Me--Thank You

2008-07-01T23:03:00.000-07:00

More than I can name, more than I remember, there are people in my life who have done me good. They aren't always the ones who are nicest to me either. Imagine that!

Thank you to the families in Bolivia and on furlough who let me participate in your lives and associate with you. You taught me about people, their differences, their uniqueness, their similarities, and about all the many ways love is displayed. Your generosity wasn't always noticed or respected, but I know now that it was worth far more than I realized, even when I was grateful.

Thank you to those who have been hard on me, holding up standards I have not yet managed to achieve and really thinking I could accomplish them. You challenged me to try harder, to look for more from myself than I would choose to do on my own. Thank you for being different from me, for knowing more than me, for seeking to teach what I didn't want to learn. I'm beginning to see that people like you are very necessary and important to a fully functioning body. I'm very glad I'm not like you, however, because that would make me a wannabe you, and not me at all. God has His purposes for people like me also... but I'm sure He's improved my usefulness just through knowing you.

Above all, thank you to those of you who I chose to love and admire more than I think you ever knew. While some of you have fallen off your pedestals, I think I love you all the more for it. God has used you and the memory of you to teach me about what love is and what it is not. I'm learning that love need not always be returned in the same form or measure, that it doesn't need to be returned at all! You have taught me so much about life and growth, service and strength, honor and humility. You probably don't know how much I honor you or how often I think of you all. I probably don't speak of it to many people simply because it isn't logical and I cannot explain it. Many of you stepped out of my life years ago when I graduated Tambo and haven't crossed paths with me since. Yet the memory of you keeps me thinking about life and love and honoring God by leaping forward with His strength, and what happens when we let go of it and flounder.

I've learned from your mistakes as well. I wish you'd have been more direct in your warnings because I wish I'd been more cautious many times, and I think you might have helped had you not fallen prey to the fear of being known for your failures, even as I so often am now. Yet, I understand. It was my own choice in the end, and perhaps the warnings would have done nothing but give me more to regret looking back.

You are part of my future. As I look forward, you are the people I long to welcome into my home. You are the ones I wish to encourage. Most likely, God will bring others my way to whom I can offer these things, but it is a tribute to you. You have been used by God in my life, and it is because of all of you and your influence on me that I will ever accomplish anything worthwhile.

Isn't God amazing? Look at how He has used you, and be glad.

Names? Well, I couldn't possibly list them all, so I'll provide a few general categories with the stipulation that if I didn't list you, you just add your name to the pile. Mom, Dad, Paul, SRL folk, Wagners (wow, guys, you're a challenging bunch), Family, Teachers, Friends, People who weren't particularly interested in being friends, Authors, Theologians, Pastors, ................... I could go on. Trust me, it would become harder to read than it is now. Imagine page after page of it, and be glad God is keeping better track than I am.

Home again, home again...

2008-06-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Our adventurous week of family connection is over, and now I'm back to ordinary life.

My dining room is nearly complete, however. Daddy was wonderful, and spent hours and hours in there pulling it together, even though the project was made twice as hard due to something commonly known as crooked walls. We had to trim every piece of drywall to fit the ceiling line... yeah. But now, with a little sanding and maybe a final coat of plaster it will be ready for the paint. MIL likes the color we've chosen for that room so much that she asked us to give her a sample board to take home so she can coordinate decor to it. She'll be painting her living room later this summer.

It's interesting how nice it is to be among family, even those we hardly ever see and scarcely know. There is a comforting sense of warmth that comes with the experience. We all had some of the same quirks and interests, yet at the same time we were so different. I wished for the chance to spend equal time with each one and really get to understand them, yet the week flashed by and I only managed it with a few. Yet, in the end, I left understanding the part of me that comes from them better.

My grandparents are treasures. I am amazed by their dedication and service through the years. Their children rise up and call them blessed, every one. It is an honor to be of our family, as well as a challenge to service of our Savior and King. May my children follow the family tradition of loving God above all else and serving Him as He leads. May I also be an example of this to them. God, you're truly awesome!

Family Reunionizing

2008-06-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

We have arrived, safely, and relatively intact. And... yeah... that was a painful abuse of similar terminology, I know. The worst that happened is we ate too many snacks, so that's not too bad.

So, we did see the flooding river. I even have a picture of the St. Louis arch behind the flooding river. The light posts along the walkways beside the river wave festive flags over submerged park land. One could have a romantic time kayaking there, I suppose.

Tomorrow we swim, bask in the sun, socialize, visit, play games, catch up, babble, and generally do what families do when they like each other and haven't seen each other in far too long. I'm sad that I won't see several of my cousins, but seeing Grandma and Grandpa and the aunts and uncles, and... well, cousins too... yes, this will be a good week. Don't expect to hear from me. But then, you never know.

Figuring Out How to Post

2008-06-08T11:30:00.000-07:00

This will not happen often as it takes a long time to clean up Palm's misinterpretation of my handwriting.
Mom and Dad will be here Friday.
I am missing connectivity even though I have a Palm. It doesn't take cookies and research is ... challenging.
My floors are in... a blessing refreshed in every moment I spend on them.
Windows will be installed next week.
And.... following is a sample of how Palm and I miscommunicate. Can you read it?... in geneal ..mdo..dg.ol..c.k. Iwill.be veryhapy to.have akeyboar& oance mere. Grale dnd peaae tg y@ u all..

The Pixie and the Ladybug

2008-05-21T08:34:00.000-07:00

We have a new family member, at least for a while. Pixie is currently carrying around a little plastic box with a ladybug inside. She literally snuggles the box, and has been heard to say, "I love my little ladybug!"

Kids...

The new things we learn whilst explaining...

2008-05-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Fiorinda's response below prompted me to respond to her, only I discovered that I'd been thinking... well, not thinking? Anyhow, here is an edited summary of what I learned from her question.

I think the only answer is that we do not grow from avoiding the challenges offered, but through trying, failing, and learning from our mistakes. I heard someplace that the people who are the best at anything become the best through practice, and that most of them started out bad at what they chose to do. They simply stuck with it and learned new techniques until everyone noticed how well they were doing... thousands of hours practicing.

IMO, it's not so bad for our kids to see us trying, failing, and trying again. It is a quality they will have to develop also. If at first you always succeed, then what's the use of trying again? I think what is hardest is when those around us give up FOR us. Then we feel pressured not to try harder, learn from our mistakes, and try again.

Truth be told, I'm not convinced my kids are actually harmed by my failures. Not permanently. If it were so, I'm sorry, but no one who had poor teaching early in life would ever overcome their situation. History has proven otherwise. Yes, it's a cop-out to rely on this for backup. I'm completely aware of my responsibility and my failure (thus the previous post). But... I am NOT the only factor here.

The fact is, my kids are curious. They know how to think. They know how to consider a problem and figure out a solution. They ARE learning to read, even if my methods do slow the process considerably. Once they know how to read, the main block to their progress is removed.

I am teaching them truths they won't get in school, like honor the Lord your God, even when you think you might get away with it. In a Christian school they will teach this, perhaps, but it remains true that a teacher with multiple students known for a year or two hasn't the same input as parents to whom the faults and natural tendencies of their children are already well known.

My children have other mentors as well. Their Sunday school teachers, grandparents, AWANA leaders, and several church family members who have taken particular interest in them.

Right now, two of my children are easily led by others. I've seen them misbehave in ways they would not at home just because the friend next to them in Sunday school is doing so. Five days a week of this sort of following would not be good for them. Until they can hold their own in Sunday school, I don't want to push them out into a longer-term situation.

So... while it is bad that my sins and slow learning are adversely affecting my children, there are negatives that will affect them on the other side, whether I go out and work to pay for someone else to teach my children their own perspective of life or do my best to teach them biblically myself.

BUT...

If it is right to send them to school, I'd better be open to the idea. I can't say, "I will not!" because if God leads that direction I'd better be ready to go. And sometimes, God's leading becomes apparent through my husband's decisions. He hasn't decided yet. We shall see what happens. I hope this is just one of those things I need to come to the point of releasing because I've been too prideful about it, rather than something God actually wants me to give up. I'd really like to grow in self-control through home school challenges rather than in the workplace.

Homeschool planning... and follow-through

2008-05-14T14:50:00.001-07:00

We haven't even finished this year and already we're thinking about next year.

What will we do?
What is the best curriculum?
What is the best program?
Do we want to try to afford Christian school anytime soon?

And, the big question: What can Karen maintain through a whole year?

There is a high standard to which I am held, and quite frankly I fail miserably. I am confident that my children are intelligent (probably genius considering their dramatic survival of my lack of discipline), but the problem isn't good programs or workbooks, it's my ability to make sure school happens.

I don't expect a miracle of perfection.
I just want to keep up with things as I must if I'm not to fail my family and cause my children to live a miserable life marked by their inability to do what they should due to bad training.

So...

That's where I am. Even if I think I can do something next year, the past has proven that long-term discipline fails. I might do better, but history shows I won't.

I don't even know how to define the core problem in my character to begin facing it. Every day I think I'm trusting, turning, following, obeying... and every day I so clearly am not. Where is the growth? What is God doing in me?

I know my children shouldn't be in public school. Not here, anyway. This area is known for its poor discipline and nasty influences. Public school isn't happening.

Christian school is expensive, and while my kids might be able to handle school relatively well, there are areas where I'm sure they're behind their grade level... again, because they are harder for me to teach or the kid has a natural resistance to that subject, making it easier for me to get frustrated, give up, and decide to try again in a year to see if they are cognitively more developed. Actually, for the cost of private school, I could pay a tutor to come here and teach for several hours a day using the curriculum of my choice.

I'm just as frustrated with myself as anyone else is. *sigh* I handle my whole life wrong in this area of maintaining my schedule. If only there was a secret key to make me do it right! How can I repent of a vague feeling that I'm not doing the right thing? Which is the wrong, and why am I not noticing it and changing?

God help me.
The rest of you can pray.

Prayer request- From my brother in Indonesia

2008-05-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

Earlier this afternoon (yesterday) a 9 year old daughter of a missionary couple with IMB here in Central Java died after falling into the river while following her mother home from school riding bicycles. Please pray for this family as this has got to be extremely difficult for them. The mother is taking it extremely hard and is feeling as if it were her fault. There isn’t much else that I can say except, please pray for them.

My Garden!

2008-05-06T22:35:00.001-07:00

Uh, yeah, we still need to cut this up and burn what isn't salvagable.
We were gifted this pile by the previous owners.

Before and After--the kitchen!

2008-05-06T21:28:00.000-07:00

The kitchen before demolition...
Lining up bead-board can be difficult in an old house that doesn't have straight walls, doors, ceilings...anything. FIL managed to make it look great!
After installing the new cabinets and priming... PINK!
The mostly final product! Lovely!
The fan from which the cabinet color was taken.
Where my spice rack will eventually go... it will be red, of course. Note the magnetic spice containers my cousin so kindly gave me! Don't they look great?
My tea and coffee cabinet. It will soon have shelving below the little counter also. Note the unfinished floor through the dining room door.

My camera has come back to life!

2008-05-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy!

I just ran out and took tons of pictures. Once the kids rooms are clean (they are working on it) and my kitchen is clean (I am working on it) I'll take a bunch more and post my favorites... well, for those of you who are befriended on Facebook, you'll see the kids. The rest of you will get a before and after of my kitchen and a bunch of rabbit and garden pictures.

And, the camera story? I couldn't find anyone who would fix it for me, so rather than having a useless camera sitting around I decided to try and fix it myself. It worked. Except the protective lens that automatically closed is no longer attached to the camera. Maybe someone else can figure that out one day... I'm just happy it's taking pictures. Apparently it's not the worse for its trauma.

New household rule. No kids with camera, even if they plan to be very careful. I'd rather break it myself, thank you.

I laughed so hard...it would be a crime not to share...

2008-04-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

What may not be too obvious is that you click on the picture to get to the funny cat video. Or maybe it is... though this picture is cute too...

I...have a column?

2008-04-23T14:13:00.001-07:00

David did a search on my first and last name and came up with some pretty weird stuff. Makes me want to change my name!...not that I will, of course. But, just in case you're one of those name-searching people... and you happen to know who I am. I'm not the one promoting healing ones-self of psychological problems by tapping on emotion points (sounds like a twisted form of trigger points, which does help muscle problems...).

Taking a break

2008-04-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

Well, it's lunchtime here. The kids are gladly avoiding the next bit of schoolwork, and I've finally updated the second to last bill to our new address.... I hope. There's one I can't seem to contact to save my life. *sigh*

In recent news, we are now a two rabbit family. David is a pushover for me with tiny bunnies and I'm a pushover for tiny bunnies. We should know better than to visit the pet store...

David decreed that our latest bit of fluff should have an impressive name, "like one of the Caesars or Warren Buffet." So, little Buffy Augustus enjoys a name big enough to rule the world and is completely sweet and lovable anyway. If only it were always so with such names...

It looks like we'll have the floor installed with our "economy improving tax return" I knew it was a good idea to have kids! LOL I'm still hoping we'll re-drywall the ceiling in the dining room, but we shall see. We've done nothing in there but clear it out and set up a table and chairs to eat on. It's not even painted!

David fell off the ladder painting last weekend. I came home from a quick grocery run to find him flat out on the hallway floor. It gave me a bit of a shock, but he swears that he's perfectly fine and his back hurts just about the same as usual. Considering I'm certain he knocked himself out, I'm just glad he's acting normal. I nearly called the ambulance, but he was awake enough not to allow it. Oh, well.

AND... that's all folks!

For now.

Present!

2008-04-15T15:52:00.001-07:00

My dear cousin, L, was so kind as to send me a lovely set of the above tins, except they are a beautiful red (and I couldn't find a pic of red ones online). I am so happy! Unexpected and undeserved gifts are way better than birthdays and Christmas. Yay!

better now...

2008-04-15T15:20:00.000-07:00

I'm so relieved to have improved. I'm absolutely sure it was all the prayers that did the most good... ok, so it wasn't your prayers that did the actual work (because that would be kinda magic-y somehow, I don't claim to understand how prayer works), but God has improved my condition immensely and you can know you participated in the grand plan.

Mom recommended a different allergy medication to take before bed, and I've slept well for the last couple nights. I'm no longer jittery, though my nerves are still telling me that my body doesn't like all I've done to it recently. In general, though, feeling is returning to my fingers, back and toes, and I no longer have the cotton-bound, distant sensation that plagued me over the last few weeks. If anyone knows of research on vitamins or veggies and fruits that specifically aide the nerves, I'd be interested in reading it.

My doctor concluded several years ago that my family (on dad's side) has Charcot-Marie-Tooth syndrome (a hereditary degenerating nerve thing, not severe, but annoying) and I'm noticing that the effects change with my health. And... oh, look! there's a blood-test for it now! I didn't want to go through any more annoying tests back then, because they stuck pins in me and tested to see how the electric current traveled. I decided I didn't want to go through more for an official diagnosis. I can handle a blood test, though. Shall have to mention this to my doctor.

Anyhow, I appreciate the kind notes and sympathy which have helped me through the emotional bit of feeling not-at-all-well. It's wonderful when people WISH they could come take care of me, even if they actually can't because they're too far away or pregnant or whatever. I love having friends and family like you guys!

And, in additional blessings... two friends came over and helped me plow through a bunch of boxes today. I really don't know why I have so much stuff. I shall have to make some trips to drop boxes-full off at Goodwill. However, it's been wonderful how many people have come alongside and compassionately helped with this whole move and renovation process. My church is awesome!... as in, the members really do their best to live Christ. I am so thankful for the chance to see Love shine through others. It's beautiful, and I only hope I will jump at the chance to shine in such a way.

Pray for me

2008-04-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

Something is wrong. I'm not sure what, but the medications the doctor gave me are affecting my body in strange ways. I'm done with them all as of two days ago, but they are still in my system, affecting my ability to sleep, breathe, live... I cannot breathe deeply enough, nor think straight, nor fall asleep for longer than fifteen minutes at a time and I'm going insane! I have enough nervous energy to keep fifteen small children running, yet my whole body hurts so much.... I long to just rest and I can't, quite literally. There is not enough air, and it is, all of it, dry. I don't know what to do...

I am soooo sick.

2008-04-03T16:00:00.000-07:00

Princess was sick for several days. Pixie and I just got it. I ache everywhere, and basically no work was done today. Boxes are still to the ceiling. Email me if you want my new address. I'll get around to a general email once I feel better. The computer is stacked on a shelf in the living room, waiting for us to install the desk it will live on. Will I ever have energy again? My hands are numb to the shoulders... wait, in short... my arms are numb, so are my feet.

Hurrah! We have a new house and my kitchen is painted, but no pictures will come until I can get the lens of my camera unjammed/bent. It was carried up the stairs and fallen on whilst open, and come to find out nobody has camera shops anymore. I hope Best Buy is up to this.

A Gradual Realization...

2008-03-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

I'm moving! Oh, no... I'm moving, and I have so much to do!

Last night my friends N. and L. came over and worked with me for several hours wallpapering the ceiling. Now, I want you to understand that it is paintable, textured wallpaper similar to what's in this link. This is not a pattern or a faux finish, and it covers the drywall in the ceiling where we took off clumps of the paper finish by chipping away two-inch diameter globs of glue that had been used to attach acoustic tiles. Below: a picture of the ceiling half-way through the chipping process. The dark globs are glue. The lighter patches are either dents in the ceiling where the glue was or tile-backing still stuck to the glue. David painted the ceiling before we papered. I'll be sure to take a good picture for the "after" image today.

The girls' room is painted, the rest of the upstairs is primed, for the most part. We've completed demolition downstairs and have replaced the drywall on the worst wall in the kitchen; we also added insulation, since it was an outside wall. Apparently when the old part of the house was built, insulation wasn't used. Hmmm... We may blow insulation into the dining room wall also. Below: about a quarter of the pile after the guys ripped out our cabinets. They had a lot of fun and there was a great deal of bashing and man-muscle strutting during the process. You will see why we ended up having to drywall that particular wall. Yes, those are all seperate pieces of drywall and plywood with holes and gaps.

We will hopefully finish putting the beadboard around the kitchen and installing the new cabinets (or at least positioning them in my empty kitchen) this weekend. We'll also pick up the floors, which should be at Lumber Liquidators by now--we hope--so they can spend a couple days adjusting to the temperature of the house before installation. Below: newspaper we found glued to the walls under the wallpaper.

Once the floor is in the kitchen and dining room, we'll be ok. The living room and library can happen after we're in, as can the basement laundry and everything we don't get done before we move. We don't really have a choice about moving.

I just realized that we're moving next weekend. The only thing packed here is the books! How I'm going to both pack this house AND work on the new house is beyond me. Help! Oh, yeah, and cook, and ... well, David has kindly let me skip trying to homeschool the kids till this move is done. We may do school during the summer, but I can't handle the school and everything else.

Christmas and Birthday...

2008-03-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dear people who ask what to buy me for gifts--AKA--you know who you are. Take note...

I want to keep my spices in THESE and I know I'm not spending on them while the renovation is underway. It would be even cooler if they were red, but maybe I can make red labels with spice names... ooh, maybe Hanna can make ... wait, she's busy. All the same, I'm a tin can nut, and these match my kitchen.

Oh, I'm making a long, narrow shelf along my counter wall for spices, and that's where these will go.

Speaking of tins... This collectible Hersheys tin is really cool. I found it at Goodwill a few months ago. Munchkin keeps losing the pieces, so it's going on a high shelf in his room as display for now. The engine is a little box, and its lid is the back of the truck (which is also a box), making for a unique and cool tin.

Home House Home

2008-03-08T21:08:00.000-08:00

Um.... we wrecked our house...

So now we're fixing it again.

Right now the kitchen is bare of cupboards and floor, and we have to refinish the walls because there was a reason those people put up the ugly wallpaper. But we were planning on changing all that anyway. It's just a bigger job than it looked like on the surface.... yeah, Aunt Val, you were right. *grin*

I'm having a lot of fun. This is the kind of house-work I don't mind. If only I could face day to day cleaning with as much enthusiasm, I'd have this whole cleaning problem licked.

Upstairs, one room is fully painted, a lovely blue. David did a great job!

Our floor is prepped, all the trash is on a trailer waiting to be taken to the dump or wherever it goes once we're sure it's all that needs to get dropped off. The house is safe enough to have the kids in again.... nails swept up, carpet tack board removed, etc. Once we put in the kitchen cabinets and floor, it will be livable. Oh, and we have a complete set of new kitchen appliances. What can I say, my husband is very sweet!

So, update inputted. I'm off to bed.

Why Faith? In what? Who?

2008-02-20T21:29:00.001-08:00

I wonder how we all seem to be aware that the world is not as it should be. I mean, I would wonder if I didn't already know... but that could be perceived as arrogant, so I'll just wonder for a while.

We're a world full of world-fixers, and while some think fixing the world would be as simple as getting any woman they want, others have broader plans and high hopes for implementing them. "World Peace!" they say on TV and radio. It is written, spoken, implied and illustrated till we laugh as we say it. Yet, it is still our hope as we watch this or that politician ante up with a full portfolio and a plan that could bring unity if only we would agree to follow it. Some world-fixers just ask that there be food, others ask for wealth; some seek contentment, and others power; some seek sameness, and others seek diversity, but we all agree that there's something wrong with the world and that somebody ought to fix it.

I really don't understand how this desire is supposed to have evolved from protoplasm, but we'll leave that curiosity where it stands and move on with fixing the world. One has to try to save the world at least once in life, even if only in theory.

And there we are, all agreeing, but all in disagreement as well. When Christ-followers step into the morass and say, "Faith will set you free!" it's no wonder we're met with rolling eyes or snorts of derision. None of us is more persuasive than the other in a world without absolutes, where every plan to save the world deserves equal consideration.

But there, that becomes rather sticky when someone thinks saving the world means they should have absolute power... then tries to take it! We agree to disagree with people who think we shouldn't disagree with them. But their followers think we're taking the disagreeing thing to far, and really, we'll be glad of having been forced into the great plan for saving the world once we see how much better off the world is. Right? And there are our solutions ... Religion. Government. Philosophy. All have been guilty at one time or another of trying to keelhaul the world into the grand plan. Now, we're suspicious of them all. We're a world of would-be dictators, spiritual leaders, and philosophers without power and we all agree that something should be done.

And so, I am convinced that I cannot persuade anyone that God is real. I am no more nor less opinionated and noisy than all the other millions of opinionated and noisy people out there claiming the opposite. I cannot make anyone seek God. I (alone) have no more nor less power than all the other people out there who have their own opinion of who can save the world, and most of them disagree with me. Besides, they're suspicious of yet another great leader who might take control and destroy the world for his own power. They do not see Him as the great Creator of Love and Justice. They see another opinion in a world of opinions.

But the Bible! Well, it is on paper and parchment, and historically verified as something many have believed for a very long time. But for some alleged authorship by God, and recorded history of belief isn't enough. So what is enough?

What can I do as I face a world of seasoned unbelievers or believers in anything, so long as their own opinion isn't countered. Why speak if I won't be heard? Why ... if it won't save the world?

And yet, we all know there is something better.

I know who that something better is.

I know who will and has saved the world.

I know.

But I don't know because I just decided to believe or because I was brainwashed or because I refuse to face all those other people who know things that seem equally valid to them.

I know because He is a real person who has a real relationship with me, and not only with me but with millions of others. I know because He knows, not because I do.

Whose Spirit reassures me? Whose strength upholds me? Who is wise where I would be foolish? Who is brave where I would hide? Who forces me to face my flaws, then changes them and erases them and uses the process to give me a purpose in encouraging others? Who calls to me in my sleep and guides me in His Word and grows me in spite of my selfishness?

They, the vague mass of those who have not yet listened to the voice of the One of whom I speak, do not believe me.

And so I am faced with the hard choice of talking to an invisible Friend and obeying an invisible King and listening to an inaudible Voice and reading a book written by an all too real group of men that listened and obeyed and talked to this same One. It is no wonder that I am faced with a shrug and a laugh. After all, like everyone else, I have the right to believe what I choose. Right?

Oh, God. I'm so glad it's not up to me to be persuasive enough to be followed over all the other directions cluttering our minds. I'm so glad it's not my job to be more real than everything else. I'm glad it's not I who has to be better than any other idea.

You are the One, the Christ, the Son of God. You are the Voice that calls softly, the Idea that inspires, the Word that changes perspective, the Life that counters death, the Hope that vanquishes hopelessness, the Judge who offers Mercy, the Merciful One who offers Grace by your own payment of our debt for all that's wrong with the world.

I only ask that You help me perceive those who are seeking the One who calls them, and that You will help me to live out a testimony of a relationship with You so they will see what can be and listen as I tell them what You have done for us all, and for me, and for them.

A Miser of Talent and Grace

2008-02-19T22:07:00.000-08:00

Tonight part of our women's Bible study focused on the blessings God gives us so we can bless His church. We spoke about how even the tragedies and trials can become a gift when we use what God taught us through pain to encourage others. And I thought of the parable of the talents...

Those men who, with their bounty, went forth to make fortunes for their master lived upon the gift they had been given. It was not merely enough to survive on, but to encourage trade and bring in an enormous profit for their master. This was no dry investment, they employed their talents and abilities and found great joy in the process.

Yet I find myself more like the third man, hoarding my small talents to myself, burying them in the dark and hoping they won't be stolen. It's easier to invest the big talents sometimes, yet this man profited nothing and failed his master because he never tried.

So, what talents do I hoard and hide? I often explain to people that I am not a person of ritual and order. When something is always done a certain way, I often do it differently just to see what will happen. Yet, schedule and keeping time are important talents, and when God dosed them out to the world, He saw fit to give me only a tiny dollop.

I just realized, tonight, that I'm doing the deep hole thing with this small amount of scheduling ability God gave me. It's not growing because I rarely use it. It's not turning into a great tree of order because God intended it to grow slowly over time. It is not growing because I haven't planted it; I've hidden it and just decided that God must have a use for me even if I'm out of order. He does. He wants me to invest the obvious talents too, after all. But I didn't really realize that I'm not off the hook even if I have barely enough of some good gift to survive on.

My little talent may only grow into enough to bless my family, but it will still be more than I have now.

Did you know that God meant the fruits of the Spirit to grow? I mean, not just suddenly pop out into fruit, but grow! And, oh, yeah, we're supposed to be like the seeds planted in the ground and die to ourselves first so the fruit that grows will be His, not ours. And when we plant our little seed of pain, joy, suffering, love, accomplishment, talent, expectation; and water it by submerging ourselves in His promises by faith, THEN it grows. And it's not us who grow it, but the Holy Spirit, and that is by the water of Life which is Christ! And, just to make sure you're as amazed by all this as I am...

If we bury our talent, and say it's too small, then we plant ourselves over that talent and tell God His grace isn't big enough to multiply His too-small gift, and that we'd appreciate it if He'd just start us off with something full grown for once. Then, perhaps, we might prevent the very bounty He longs to give us?

This is by no means a complete thought. What do you think about profit as we invest for God's glory? Do you think He planned it that way? Do you think we're meant to rejoice in the bounty as we invest His gifts? What are you hoarding away from Him, thinking it too small to increase? What talent do you think is easiest to invest? Which is hardest? Why? And what does your answer say about your perception of God's capabilities?