Kevin Charnas

Holiday Shopping

2009-11-27T07:43:00.000-08:00

Will and I CAN'T STAND the whole notion of "Black Friday". We actually abhor it. All the commercialization, the advertising being shoved down our throats, people going crazy and breaking one another's limbs over toys that they're told to buy. I fucking hate it.

I just asked Will, jokingly, "Hey, let's go shopping."

And he replied, "Umm... I just don't feel like being trampled to death today. Maybe another time."

Now, if we could set up a couple of lounge chairs in a parking lot, start a little fire in a chiminea, open a nice bottle of Bordeaux, with some Camembert or brie, or Doritos, and sit back and watch civilized interaction between humans such as above? I'd be there by 6 a.m.

**************************************

A Day To Nuzzle

2009-11-26T09:29:00.000-08:00

My brother said that my niece wanted to speak with me. I said, "Yes, of course...", with trepidation lurking behind my tongue.

She got on the phone and when I asked her how she was doing, she started to cry...

We talked for a little bit and then she handed the phone back to my brother. He told me what floor they were on at the hospital. He told me which building it was. And he told me the room number.

He didn't ask me to come, but I don't think he told me those things for conversation's sake.

I wasn't sure if I should go or not. She was dying, after all. And I just didn't know if it was my place to be there. The last thing I wanted to do was intrude on such a moment.

My brother's mother-in-law. She was the one dying. Unconscious and dying. My nephews' and nieces' other grandmother. It had happened quite suddenly.

I had known her since I was ten years old. She was an amazing force to be reckoned with. A bright light that will continue to shine brightly for quite some time.

It was around 9:30 at night and I had already had a long day at the theatre. But, sometimes there are just things we ought to do. Things we must do.

So, I drove to the hospital. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know where to park or really where the building was... And at that hour, even a hospital seems to turn into a ghost town.

But, I found my way. I walked around this corner and that corner. I walked where there weren't sidewalks and went into doors locked on the outside, yet someone was conveniently leaving as I was entering. I walked through empty hallways and had an abundance of elevators to chose from. And taking deep breaths the entire time, wanting to just curl up in bed and pretend that life wasn't happening, I found my way.

When I walked into the visitor's lounge on the floor, my nieces, with tired eyes and tousled heads ran to me. They hugged my waist hard, as they just come to slightly above it. I held them and buried my face into their hair and I breathed them in. I nuzzled their heads and remembered how important nuzzling is... And reminded myself to do it more often.

I kissed their heads and pulled them tighter to me. I told them that I loved them. I told them that she loved them. And that she knew they loved her too. They cried and asked, "WHY?? WHY HER??"

Why anyone..., I thought.

I then hugged my brother, my nephews, another niece, my sister-in-law, her father... and then, her mother. When my sister--in-law saw me, we hugged and we cried. She whisked me into the room where her mother was lying, dying, and said, "Kev... she always loved you. She always meant it." And then, she pulled back the covers to reveal her mother's right hand. She said, "Look. Look how beautiful her hand is..."

And it was. It looked perfect, in fact. And my very young nephew, who happens to be very wise, kissed that hand with abandonment. I touched that perfect hand, that my sister-in-law was so desperate to show me. So desperate to know that in what seems to be horrific, there is still beauty. That her mother is still beautiful.

And she was.

The days that followed were heart breaking. My mother cried a lot, as did my brother's family... His mother-in-law lived a full life, yes. But, it just always seems too soon. I could barely bring myself to keep eye contact with her husband of 55 years. I did though. I moved beyond my own frightened self and hugged him hard, while collapsing inside.

In the wake of the event, my nieces asked me "Why?" many times. And my mother even asked me if I thought there was a heaven...

Such questions in those moments often leave me paralyzed. In other moments, at casual times, my answers would be free-flowing and forth-coming. Not really answers, but opinions. I believe that our views and beliefs are very personal, each individual having a unique relationship with whatever they deem to be next. Even if that's nothing at all. But, in a moment like this... Well, ... ... I felt frozen.

I tried to express myself with as much love and tenderness as I could muster. Hoping that the words didn't confuse, but that they would warm and embrace their aches.

I said that I think of death as continuation... life in another form. That like water, when water evaporates from a lake, it becomes vapor and then clouds. Only to become rain again, which then becomes another lake, or pond, flowing creek or river, or nourishment for flowers and trees, which in-turn, becomes sustenance for birds and for bees and... continuation in actuality. The water never ceases to exist, it just changes form.

And not unlike a wave of an ocean, it's clear to see as it's rolling to shore. It's distinctive in its shape and form. And after it breaks upon the shore, it's not that the wave ceases to exist. But rather, it becomes part of the ocean again...

I said that there is no such thing as "nothing". "Nothing", even on a scientific scale, is impossible. There's always something.

I don't know if this helped any of those that I love so much... I hope it did...

One thing that always arises for me out of the tragedy of death, is the reminder of what's truly important. It reminds me that for the moment, in this form, I'm still breathing.

So today, in the States, we're celebrating "Thanksgiving". And I feel very grateful for many things.

I feel unbelievably grateful for Will, for our pups, our loud messy birds and our home. I feel unbelievably grateful for our families, our dear friends, our neighbors. For never really knowing what hunger is. For the brisk November air outside that reminds me that I'm alive. For that blue sky and dark clouds, so that I may know the difference. For poetry and art and music and the ability to LAUGH and cry... So, that I may know the difference. I'm grateful for my life and all who are in it, far from perfect, but yet perfect.

And I'm grateful for you. For coming here and spending a little time with me. I hope, in-between my ranting and raving, I hope that I ease a few minutes of your day... But, I'm grateful for you coming here nonetheless. You help give me reason. To be. To be, before I break upon that shore and go and play with the ocean once more...

So, thank you. And Happy Thanksgiving, no matter where or who you are.

Oh, and don't forget, to maybe nuzzle those you love. And hell, maybe even those you don't...

More nuzzling.

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A Memorable Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T09:18:00.000-08:00

Why can't every Thanksgiving be like this?

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LeLannie Is A Total Badass

2009-11-25T08:17:00.000-08:00

One of my bestest friends ever wrote me this morning. We've been close friends since Third grade. She's such a good friend that a few years back, when a dentist wanted to sand-down a few chips in my front teeth, I said,

"Don't you dare. LeLannie put those there in the Fifth grade when she stole my mittens and I was chasing her on the playground. She slipped and fell on the ice, then I slipped and fell on top of her, slamming my chin onto her head and chipping all of my front teeth. You're not touching those chips."

The dentist just stared at me like I was completely insane, but I didn't give a fuck. Those chipped teeth tell a story, so I'm keeping them. So what if I can't eat solid food.

Anyway, LeLannie wrote to me this morning. She sent me some dialogue between her and her BOSS, "Stank Bish". Her boss, "Stank Bish", forwarded her some inane, bullshit email, but LeLannie had something to say about it.

The forward was titled: "Please join me in prayer" and was as follows:

"We were in Pigeon Forge over the week end. On Sunday, we left to come home. Traffic was moving slowly, and a car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it. It read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".
Mike's Bible was lying on the dash board." (Because having your bible on your dashboard makes you so much closer to god. And let me guess, that American flag on your bumper makes you a better American.) "He got it, opened it up to the scripture, and read it." (And you read in traffic, nice.) "He started laughing and laughing. Then he read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said. I had a good laugh, too."

Psalm 109:8
"Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

So, LeLannie replied:

"This is sad to me, and they call themselves Christians. Maybe they need to do a little more studying of their bible and what Jesus really stands for."

And Stank Bish replied:

"I think they simply mean they want him out of office- that his days in office be few not his life:)"

And LeLannie replied again:

"Stank Bish,

Read verse 9-10, to me a childless father and widow means death:

Let his days be few; and let another take his office.
9Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow.
10Let his children be continually vagabonds, and beg: let them seek their bread also out of their desolate places.

The context of this prayer is about praying for someone's death and misery, this kind of language feeds extemist beliefs and violence.

LeLannie"

I'm so fricking proud of "LeLannie". She had the courage to stand up to not just anyone, but she stood up to her BOSS.

And that makes her a TOTAL BADASS.

Muy bien, LeLannie... Muy bien to that spirit of yours.

Look at me gettin' all spanglish and mierda.

***********************************

A Kiss On A Man

2009-11-24T12:57:00.000-08:00

ABC's "Good Morning Homophobia" Cancels Adam Lambert's Performance

(Please sing the following text to the tune of "Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend".)

A Kiss On A Man may just,
GET YOUR ASS CANCELLED,
And GMA can eat my shhiiittttt...

A kiss may be grand
But it won't keep you scheduled
On a stupid show
That's full of self-stroking egos

AAAAAA B C
And Do Re Me
And they're broadcasting bigots in the end.

But Fear shaped, or Hate shaped,
These Cocks don't lose THEIR SHAPE,
GMA CAN EAT MY SHIT.

CHRIS CUOMO!
ROBIN ROBERTS!
TALK TO ME DIANE SAWYER!
TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!

I don't even watch that show, so it's not like all of a sudden I'm going to stop watching it.

That shit's not news. And they're not journalists.

But, back to Adam.

I LOVE how Adam Lambert freaks everyone out.

I LOVE IT.

So, he kissed some straight dude on the mouth during his performance at the AMA.

Or he ate him. I'm not sure which. People are acting like he ate him.

We've watched Michael Jackson grab his crotch for 20+ years.

We've watched Madonna grab her crotch for 20+ years.

We've seen Janet Jackson's boob pop out (which actually, the misogyny of the incident bothered me more than anything... well, that and nipples pierced by BEAR-TRAPS ALWAYS bother me).

We've seen Madonna tongue Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, which just about made me barf where I sat.

But all of a sudden, it's dude on dude, for obvious shock value and people are all worked up. Mission accomplished.

He didn't tongue a 5 year old for Christ's sake. Cheese-whiz of Nazareth!

And he didn't eat a person on stage either.

Adam Lambert, "I'm not a babysitter. And it's up to parents to discern what their child is watching."

I wish people got as worked up over violence being shown on television...

Will and I both wrote short notes to GMA. I told them that I was actually embarrassed for them. I'm embarrassed that they are quite literally broadcasting their ignorance and promoting homophobia.

If you're so inclined to write a quick message to ABC's 'Good Morning America', you may do so here.

So, speaking of rock stars, I'm going to leave you with one...

Lady GaGa

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When Farts Kill

2009-11-24T11:46:00.000-08:00

As the years go on, Will and I are eating less and less meat. We mainly just eat chicken or fish. We rarely eat red meat anymore. And we've given up pork entirely. Pigs are just too damn smart for me to feel comfortable consuming them. And the day I saw them listening, really listening to a boy play the harmonica, it was over for me.

This doesn't mean we don't like it. I LOVE hamburgers. I LOVE filet mignon wrapped in bacon with melted bleu cheese on top sitting on a puddle of a port wine reduction (AH! I'M DYING!) and pork chops and pork roasts and sausage and Beef Bourguignon.

LOVE IT.

MEAN IT.

DAMN IT.

And for the most part, I'm comfortable with our place on the food chain.

It's the disgusting, vile way we treat our "food" before it's slaughtered that bothers me.

It's disgraceful. And I want to live more respectfully than that. To support more respectful practices than that.

And just reading,

"Cattle are herd animals, happiest with other cattle. Calves feel most content and secure when with adult cattle (even if none of them are their mothers). Separating a bunch of calves from their mothers and putting them in a pen by themselves creates a great deal of anxiety and stress for the calves. A big calf that is healthy and eating well does not really need milk from his mother anymore, but he still feels emotionally dependent on her, and very insecure without her."

straight from Cattle Today is enough to curb my enthusiasm for meat right there, let alone the environmental ramifications of mass beef consumption, OR health reasons - red meat links to heart disease and some cancers.

Cheeseburger Footprint - from Six Degrees from Jamais Cascio on Vimeo.

The Cheeseburger Footprint: "the greenhouse gas emissions arising every year from the production and consumption of cheeseburgers is roughly the amount emitted by 6.5 million to 19.6 million SUVs."

Jonathan Safran Foer reveals on "Ellen" the facts of our factory farms.

Jonathan Safran Foer's animal farm (Book Review From The Washington Post)

"Ultimately, Foer insists that his is not a call to vegetarianism as much as a call to acknowledge that meat matters. After he has described in brutal detail some of the horrors of industrial slaughterhouses, his visits to heroic farmers such as Frank Reese and Bill Niman demonstrate that the choice doesn't have to be between eating meat and not. So-called compassionate carnivores can choose to seek out meat from family farms that would sooner set their barns on fire than let an animal suffer, although Foer points out that such farms produce less than 1 percent of the animal meat in the country. None of this is simple. Even some of the book's good guys, such as Niman, allow branding, castration and removal of cattle's horn buds with hot irons. Moreover, as Foer was finishing his research, Niman was forced out of the company he founded, saying new owners were more concerned about profits than animal welfare; he publicly proclaimed that he would no longer eat Niman Ranch meat." (And Bill Niman's wife is now a vegetarian.)

I don't really know where I'm going with this... Yes, I do.

I would just like to urge you before the pending Thanksgiving Holiday to shop for your food responsibly. And it DOESN'T have to be expensive:

Sole Food: Eating organically (and responsibly) on a food-stamp budget.

And think respectfully towards what you eat, because it literally becomes part of you. Not because you should. But, rather because you can.

Your choices DO make a difference. Either way, good or bad, you make a difference.

There is no in-between.

*** Freaked out about hamburgers now? There's an alternative: Recipe for Black Bean Burgers

Now granted, the last time Will made Black Bean Burgers, they were yummy in my tummy, yes. Unfortunately, it was the night before I was flying from New York to Los Angeles and I farted the entire way. THE WHOLE WAY, PEOPLE. They just shut down the engines somewhere over Philly and I powered the plane the rest of the way there. We arrived 25 minutes later.

Oh sure, everyone was unconscious upon arrival at LAX, but still. We got there FAST.

*********************************

A 10 Year Old Badass And A CNN Dumbass

2009-11-23T10:13:00.000-08:00

So, at some point, the talking head from CNN says, "In every state across the nation where it has been put to the voters it has gone down to defeat. So, the democratic process is taking place here. Seems to be something that voters at large, do not support."

Last year in California, over Prop 8, California voted it down 52% to 48%. And in the recent vote, Maine voted it down 53% to 47%. So, it's not "something that voters AT LARGE, do not support." Hardly, "at large", you fucking moron. It's actually rather close.

I wrote about voters verses courts deciding civil rights matters back in: The Seeing Eye Car; "Justice is blindfolded for a reason, to see without prejudice, without bias, to see objectively, without fear or favor, regardless of the identity, power, or weakness of the involved."

And actually, the "democratic process" is STILL taking place when a court makes a decision about something. Those judges are still appointed via a democratic process, whether we like it or not.

I'm so fucking tired of stupid people...

Wait a minute.

I don't want to make this all about stupid, uneducated, hillbillies that also happen to be getting paid as "journalists".

That young man (a.k.a. "Gaywad") up in that video clip is a TOTAL BADASS. And that's good enough for me.

"Stand before the people you fear and speak your mind -- even if your voice shakes." - Maggie Kuhn

Because it ALL DOES MATTER: A Milestone, An Anniversary, And A Ring

And silence is compliance.

************************************

Photo For Monday (And Ponderings of a Madman)

2009-11-23T06:19:00.000-08:00

The Hadza, a hunter-gatherer culture that lives in Tanzania that hasn't changed in 10,000 years. They grow no food, raise no livestock, and live without rules or calendars.

Source: National Geographic.

I wonder what they would say about boob jobs, calf-implants, botox and anal bleaching? OH! And Hip and Deltoid Implants are NEW!! YAAYY. They could weigh in on those too.

Okay, now granted, not ONE of them is smiling. The cutie-pie in the top row, second from the right is almost... ALMOST smiling, but not quite. And the dude in the middle row, second from the left... Well, he might be smiling, but I don't even know where his mouth is to check. The rest are all, "I can't BELIEVE we have to go KILL dinner and gather twigs and bark for a salad AGAIN. This is TOTAL BULLSHIT! Especially because we JUST had DIRT for lunch! THIS IS BULLSHIT! I HATE IT HERE!" Or... Giraffe shit. Maybe they'd yell, "GIRAFFE SHIT!"? Which ever one's more prevalent, I suppose.

But still... I wonder what they'd say about us.

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Huddled Beneath The Sky

2009-11-22T07:22:00.000-08:00

The sadness I have caused any face
by letting a stray word
strike it,

any pain
I have caused you,
what can I do to make us even?
Demand a hundred fold of me - I'll pay it.

During the day I hold my feet accountable
to watch out for wondrous insects and their friends.

Why would I want to bring horror
into their extraordinary
world?

Magnetic fields draw us to Light; they move our limbs and thoughts.
But it is still dark; if our hearts do not hold a lantern,
we will stumble over each other,

huddled beneath the sky
as we are.

~ Rumi ~

(Nice hat, bish.)

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A Short Film For Sunday

2009-11-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

Before it was a feature film, it was a short.

Will and I didn't see the full-length film produced by Tim Burton. But, I happen to find the original short by Shane Acker quite good. Melancholy, yes. And mesmerizing...

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Nuts

2009-11-20T13:28:00.000-08:00

After all, it's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.

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A Nightmare Of A Post

2009-11-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

So, I've had nightmares the last two nights.

And from around 2 to about 5 a.m. this has been me,

Yes. I wear that to bed. Along with those bracelets and my hair is just ever-so. Except I'm profusely sweating while I'm screaming. And my lipstick is all smeared.

When I say nightmares, I mean, NIGHTMARES. I've been thrashing and moaning like Dr. Phil naked in a tub of lube and screaming like the spectators forced to watch him.

You may remember that I tend to scream in my sleep, while Will punches. I wrote about that sometime back in "Night Brawlers". I still haven't determined if Will is actually sleeping when he punches me in the spine, or the face, for that matter.

He hasn't done that for quite sometime now, so I should really cut him so slack. Actually, in the morning, if I'm at all confused as to whether or not I really had all those nightmares, it's usually quite evident by the look on Will's face.

Normally he's a brunette. But, he often awakes blond and furrier than when we went to bed, and don't ask what that rope is all about.

But yeah, he has NOT been amused. That poor devil has had to endure me going through all the motions of someone in detox. It's been awful. We both wake up exhausted, dazed and confused.

After all, there are so many things happening recently that could be the cause of it.

First, it was poor Sammy Sosa turning white in a year.

Sammy Sosa is a disaster.

That's enough right there.

What the hell happened to him?

And it's okay to be a person of color now, isn't it? I thought he was a handsome Dominican, no?

All of a sudden (or maybe not so suddenly), he's

The Joker.

Makes me want to scream right where I'm sitting.

Sometimes the lense makes me look like a cat.

So, that's not bad enough, we've got the Palin-Flailin Circus AGAIN.

And no surprise, Sarah goes rogue on a few "facts" in her book.

Sarah Flailin getting her panties in a bunch over Newsweek's cover

I love documentary photographer Nina Berman's comment, hailing the cover as "brilliant" and "shrewd" for using a "propped photo where Palin is an obvious participant ... to show how far out she is willing to travel on the road of self promotion" while "shield[ing] themselves from what would have been the inevitable criticism if they had dolled her up themselves and posed her the same way."

You posed for the pic, Sarah. Sorry everyone doesn't do what you want them to, you A-hole.

If she were a cow, no one would've given her the time of day. They would've just thrown some ketchup on her and called her a burger.

But, no. She's back. And she has a book and I don't. But, then again, they're trying to sell them for $4.95 and they can't.

And because I'm so sick and tired of Sarah Palin, I am screaming where I stand.

Sometimes the lense makes me look like a deer, sorry.

So, as if all of this isn't enough to give me nightmares and get my chords ringing,

Sorry, sometimes the lense makes me look like a chimp.

We've been invited inside Christina Aguilera's Beverly Hills Home...

This is the very first time she's ever actually fed her baby herself. Unfortunately, the apple sauce ended up on the kid's forehead. You can't tell, can you? It happened after the picture was taken.

Inside her Beverly Hills Home

I bet her kid is standing in piss right here while Christina's all, "Look at Mommy's shoes, honey! NO TOUCH!! LOOK!! JUST LOOK!! That's right, Sweety."

But really, the decor? It's like bubble gum and frosting and sprinkles exploded inside her house.

And it has me screaming again,

Sometimes the lense makes me look like a Bullfrog.

What would have taken all the nightmares away would've been a shot of her sofa,

If it had been this. That would've been SO FRICKING AWESOME! But, no.

Ahhh, well. Sammy, Sarah and Christina? I have my issues, most certainly. In fact, they're keeping me up at night. And even though, I wonder what's going on with your skin and your insecurities surrounding it, or your desperation to be heard, or your wild decor sense and extravagance, I highly doubt you guys are the cause of my nightmares. Besides, don't listen to me... No matter what I say, words shouldn't bring you down. At least, not MY words.

If it's one thing that will always make me love Christina Aguilera... It's "Beautiful". And that comes in all shapes and sizes and colors, whether you might be cat-like, or an albino gorilla, or maybe you strongly resemble a deer, or maybe you ARE a deer, or a chimp or maybe you just smile like one. Or maybe you're a Bullfrog, or just like to hang out in ponds. Anyway, "you are beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring you down".

And it's good to remember that sometimes.

************************************

The Obama Brother Surprise

2009-11-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

Obama says he met with half brother while in China

One surprise for the President was that his brother happens to be...

Rita Moreno.

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Au Bout de Son Latin (et Moi)

2009-11-14T15:50:00.000-08:00

Au Bout de Son Latin, Written by Ryan Ramer, Directed by Kevin Stephanos Charnas (That's me, bishes.)

Sam (played by Natalie Green) is throwing a big get-together and everyone will be there: Chris (Me again, bishes.), Dallas, D.J., Austin, Pat, Casey. The audience won't actually see the party, however; the stage represents Sam's imagination, and we see only the goings-on inside Sam's head. From the subconscious to consciousness to action, watch as Sam's thoughts and feelings work their way through a broken telephone of the mind.

Written by new playwright Ryan Charles Ramer and directed by veteran Kevin Stephanos Charnas, (They called me a "veteran", dang... ), Au Bout de son Latin shows us what it is like be "at the end of our Latin" and to have no more words to express how we feel. When Sam begins to become obsessed with a love interest (me again) who arrives at the soiree, a process of mental unraveling begins as Sam tries desperately to maintain an outward composure. See how Sam discovers the foreign language of the soul in its wordless truth, and how our inner-selves can best be defined through music.

As part of CPT's commitment to local playwrights and producers, CPT presents the third year of Little Box, a series of staged readings of new work in development. Little Box is modeled after CPT's successful Big [BOX] Series but on a smaller scale, designed to foster works at an earlier stage of development.

Cleveland Public Theatre
6415 Detroit Avenue
Cleveland, OH
Sunday, November 15th
3:00pm
The Storefront Studio

So, that's where my stank ass will be performing tomorrow, all y'alls.

Playwright, Ryan Ramer has done a brilliant job of writing a play that I'm rather in love with... And working with Ryan and Natalie Green (who plays "Sam") has truly been my pleasure. They make it very easy. If you're so inclined and able, please come. I'm certain that you'll enjoy it. And if you don't? Well... I'll pull your hair or something like that. But, if I have to spank your bottom, that costs extra.

The "Little Box" series has been selling out, so they recommend that you get there 30 minutes early. For those of our friends and family in California who want to attend, you guys better leave yesterday... or right now at the latest.

***************************************

What Other Life Is Doing On A Saturday...

2009-11-14T08:19:00.000-08:00

A Bird Storm Cloud and a Giant Stingray

First film of a 'giant' stingray

Manta Ray's Secret Life Revealed

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Jump Around

2009-11-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

So, this morning I'm convinced that the meaning of life is...

to enjoy it.

Don't ask me tomorrow, I may change my mind. But, I'm going to jump for now.

"I CAME TO GET DOWN
I CAME TO GET DOWN
SO GET OUT YOUR SEATS AND JUMP AROUND

JUMP AROUND

JUMP AROUND

JUMP AROUND

JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN.

JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP
JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP
JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP JUMP

I'LL SERVE YOUR ASS LIKE JOHN MACENROE
IF YOUR STEPS UP, I'M SMACKING THE HO
WORD TO YOUR MOMS I CAME TO DROP BOMBS
I GOT MORE RHYMES THAN THE BIBLE'S GOT PSALMS"

Enjoy it, bishes. Enjoy it today, because that's all we've really got. So, BE where you're at. And I have a feeling that if you can do that, you'll be happier than you think.

**************************************

Slightly Overloaded

2009-11-10T07:02:00.000-08:00

This is actually how I feel today. Right down to my right eye being all messed up. It's practically twitching... Yeah, I know... pretty, right?

This contribution comes to us from our yummy correspondent in Long Beach, Auntie Biotic. Thanks, Auntie! It's quite accurate, my friend. But, just knowing that you're out there thinking of me cures my ills, daghlink.

(These are baby hamsters in case you're wondering...)(source)

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Chloe Goes Taz?

2009-11-10T06:43:00.001-08:00

Does anyone know if this is actually true? Or is it set-up? The Best Man really looks like he bites it.

Umm... Because if it's true? I would've paid money to have been there.

But then, I would've gotten out of "Chloe's" way and just watched. I may have taken notes too.

Because, I have a feeling...

That death and destruction would've followed in her wake.

And if I were to be completely honest, I'd probably be the first one jumping up and down clapping my hands together going, "YEAH! YEAH! FUCK HIM UP! GO GET HIM, CHLOE! I THINK THOSE PEOPLE OVER THERE NEED MESSED UP TOO... THEY'RE SNICKERING. And I just saw your Maid of Honor laughing, GET HER!!"

That's if it were true. And I were there. And the bride had the ability to turn into the Tasmanian Devil. Oohh, I wish, I wish, I wish.

********************************

The 11/3 Project

2009-11-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

The 11/3 Project

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Health Care Crisis

Yes, Glenn Beck and all you Beckinmaniacs, we're laughing AT you... After all, it gets rather tiresome arguing with stupid.

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How To Be An 88 Year Old Badass

2009-11-06T06:18:00.000-08:00

An 88-year-old woman has walked 10-thousand miles in memory of her late husband.

* How To Live To 100

* Three Easy Beginner Meditation Techniques (To reduce stress, bishes...)

* The Other 90% Of Your Brain

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WOO! WOO! WOO! (That's suppose to be a siren, bishes... Not because there's three of them.)

2009-11-05T07:10:00.000-08:00

New Jersey's triple threat: the Koralja triplets—Andrew, Joseph, and Robert, from left— photo by Michael S. Yamashita.

Is it me, or is this photo slightly disturbing?

* I don't know if it's the mustaches?
* That they have sirens mounted on a taxi?
* That there's three of the same person?
* Or whether it's because they're probably not wearing pants when this was taken?
* Or whether it's all the above?

When I look at it, I feel like someone just roofied me and I'm about to be upside-down with an audience... of at least three.

(Please feel free to click on photo to enlarge.)

(source)

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Chasing Pirates, Bishes...

2009-11-04T07:41:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Bubba! For this fantastic contribution... I love it. And I love her too. And her voice just makes me want to tear my pants off. She's so damn cute I can hardly STAND IT, BISHES!!

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I Thought Maine Was Pretty, But I Guess There's Nothing Upstairs...

2009-11-04T06:58:00.000-08:00

Defeat in Maine a harsh blow to gay-marriage drive

So, this video contribution comes to us from our brilliant playwright/composer correspondent, Ryan. Thanks, Ryan!

At first I felt kind of bad for the little scared black cat fella. I always have a soft spot in my heart for the under-dog. Then, I put Maine in his place, and suddenly, I found myself the bitchy one all ready to rip some serious fur... Sorry, bigotry and oppression does that to me.

(Copyright - The New Yorker)

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Día de los Muertos

2009-11-01T06:53:00.000-08:00

When I was first introduced to "Dia de los Muertos", the Mexican Day of the Dead Celebration, by Will, being still kind of a gringo from Ohio, I really wasn't sure what to make of it.

At St. Pius Catholic Church in Warren, Ohio, they had tainted the water with the thoughts that we should be afraid of skulls and skeletons, even though the last time I checked, I'm pretty sure we all have them tucked behind our facades. And if I'm not mistaken, they're actually what's holding us up, no?

Will and his Mom took me by train from Santa Barbara down to Olvera Street in Los Angeles and I fell in love with the whole thing. I. LOVED. IT. It wasn't morbid to me in the least, but rather very real and spiritually palpable.

Papel Picado Decorations: part of the Mexican Day of the Dead tradition (Do-It-Yourself) (source)

"It's not about celebrating 'Death', but celebrating LIFE."

And a bottle of Tequila brought once a year to your grave site wouldn't be so bad, would it?

Although... Now that I think of it, the last time I drank a bottle of Tequila and smoked a cigar, I tore up all the bathroom carpeting in my parent's home, barfed, came to, then wondered who tore up all the carpet and puked all over the place.

My girlfriend at the time was sitting on the side of the bathtub watching the destruction take place and when I "came to" and asked, "Who the fuck tore up all the carpet and barfed all over the place?"

She just looked at me and replied, "YOU did, you dickhead."

And so it seems, I did...

So, yeah. I'm not certain the Tequila at my grave site would be such a great idea...

But I suppose, that if I were just a skeleton, I wouldn't actually have a stomach, so thus, nothing to barf up. But, I'd still have phalanges, so in theory, I could still rip up the lining of my casket, right? But... If I were dead, would I care?

Would somebody slap me, please?

Day of the Dead mosaic by British artist Martin Cheek (source)

More than 500 years ago, when the Spanish Conquistadors landed in what is now Mexico, they encountered natives practicing a ritual that seemed to mock death.

It was a ritual the indigenous people had been practicing at least 3,000 years. A ritual the Spaniards would try unsuccessfully to eradicate.

A ritual known today as Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead.

The ritual is celebrated in Mexico and certain parts of the United States.

Although the ritual has since been merged with Catholic theology, it still maintains the basic principles of the Aztec ritual, such as the use of skulls.

Today, people don wooden skull masks called calacas and dance in honor of their deceased relatives. The wooden skulls are also placed on altars that are dedicated to the dead.

Sugar skulls, made with the names of the dead person on the forehead, are eaten by a relative or friend, according to Mary J. Adrade, who has written three books on the ritual.

The Aztecs and other Meso-American civilizations kept skulls as trophies and displayed them during the ritual. The skulls were used to symbolize death and rebirth.

The skulls were used to honor the dead, whom the Aztecs and other Meso-American civilizations believed came back to visit during the monthlong ritual.

Arbol de la Vida (source)

Unlike the Spaniards, who viewed death as the end of life, the natives viewed it as the continuation of life. Instead of fearing death, they embraced it. To them, life was a dream and only in death did they become truly awake.

"The pre-Hispanic people honored duality as being dynamic," said Christina Gonzalez, senior lecturer on Hispanic issues at Arizona State University. "They didn't separate death from pain, wealth from poverty like they did in Western cultures."

However, the Spaniards considered the ritual to be sacrilegious. They perceived the indigenous people to be barbaric and pagan.

In their attempts to convert them to Catholicism, the Spaniards tried to kill the ritual.

Artist: Patrick Murillo (source)

But like the old Aztec spirits, the ritual refused to die.

To make the ritual more Christian, the Spaniards moved it so it coincided with All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day (Nov. 1 and 2), which is when it is celebrated today. (read more)

UNA COPA MAS by Robert Pace Kidd (source)

So, let us celebrate continuation and eternal life... the best for last...

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'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER, BISHES!! dang...

2009-10-31T12:41:00.000-07:00

And now, it's classic.

The only part of this video I could do without is when Michael is eating popcorn with his mouth open in the theater. It makes me want to slap the geri curl right off his head.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN, ALL YOU CRAZY, MUMMIFIED BISHES!

MMUUWWAA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAA!!!!

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