J'sDaughter

another year..........

2008-06-19T20:10:00.003-06:00

I've talked about this here before, but I thought I'd share again_
I live in the house that I grew up in.
My father and my grandfather built the house on what used to be old farmland.
Mom and Dad could never get anything to grow. They finally got the grass to grow but never had any luck with trees.
However, one thing mom planted thrived.
It's still growing today-
-forty years later...........

My Mother's Day message....

2008-05-11T19:28:00.009-06:00

I have already spent most of this mother's day thinking of how much I miss my mom.
I have had some sad tears, but I've also remembered many happy memories I have of her. I guess on days like this, when you no longer have your mother, it is to be expected you will feel melancholy...

I have so much to be thankful for. I have three wonderful children, two beautiful grandchildren, and I spent forty-three years with the mother that I miss so much.

In honor of this mother's day, I want to remind everyone who reads here what my journal is about. I write about my life, and how different it is today because my mother died of ovarian cancer.
She wanted women to know about this disease so that maybe they will never have to go through what she did.

Every woman should know the symptoms of ovarian cancer. Very early there may be no symptoms at all, but if a woman has any of these symptoms for more than two weeks, she should consult a doctor.

* Pressure or pain in the abdomen, pelvis, back, or legs

* A swollen or bloated abdomen

* Nausea, indigestion, gas, constipation, or diarrhea

* Feeling very tired all the time

Less common symptoms include:

* Shortness of breath

* Feeling the need to urinate often

* Unusual vaginal bleeding (heavy periods, or bleeding after menopause)

The most important point I would like to make is if your doctor tells you nothing is wrong, and your symptoms persist, it is time to find a new doctor. You have to take control and insist that something be done to find answers.

You should also know the risk factors-

*Women with anyone in their family who has had ovarian cancer. The "powers that be" will tell you that you should only worry if it is a mother, daughter, or sister. My mother's first cousin died of ovca just a few years before mom did. It wasn't a coincidence.

*Women with a family history of breast cancer may also be at risk for ovarian cancer. If anyone in your family has had breast or ovarian cancer you may wish to talk to a genetic counselor. Genetic tests can sometimes show the presence of specific gene changes that increase the risk of ovarian cancer. A great deal of information about genetic risk of ovarian or breast cancer can be found on the website for FORCE. FORCE is a non-profit organization dedicated to educating women about their risks and options to deal with those.

* Personal history of cancer: Women who have had cancer of the breast, uterus, colon, or rectum have a higher risk of ovarian cancer.

If you have any risk factors for ovarian cancer, you should consult with your doctor and devise a plan to monitor your ovaries for any changes. This monitoring should be done often, and forever- not just once.

Please pass some of your knowledge along to the women you love. Knowledge is power.

It is my hope that maybe the information I put here will keep another daughter from celebrating Mother's Day without her mother because of ovarian cancer....

miracles...

2008-03-02T07:07:00.003-07:00

On February 29, 2008, a beautiful baby girl was born.
She weighed seven pounds, thirteen ounces and was 21 inches long.
She has big bright eyes and lots of dark hair.

Before she was a day old, I swear she smiled at me.
I am her Grandma.

My mother used to say that you should be joyful when someone passes away and cry when a baby is born, because the world is such a difficult place.
I cried many tears that day. Some were because I missed my mother, and wanted so much to share this day with her. Most were tears of joy, because I was so happy to meet this little girl.

Shortly after her birth my son announced that she was named after her Great-Grandma.

Mom would have liked that....

Welcome to the world sweetheart...........

I am thankful for....

2007-11-29T09:09:00.001-07:00

I have made it through another September.
September is the most difficult month, and the start of the most difficult time of year for me. September 29 was two years since my mother passed away.

Mom loved the holidays and always made them so special for all of us. She always cooked Thanksgiving dinner at her house and we would all be there together. Christmas was wonderful too. She cooked a wonderful dinner, and we all exchanged gifts.

There were always piles of gifts. She would find something that she had to have for one of her kids or grandkids,then she would have to buy something else for all the rest, because she never wanted to do more for one than all the others. We always told her that we didn't care about those things, but she always insisted.

Truth be told she just loved to do things for all of us.

Each year at this time, these memories, and more, come flooding back to me. It's painful, but not quite as painful as in the past two years. Now I am finding more comfort in her memories, and smiling more when I remember..

I am so thankful that she was my mom, and I have these wonderful memories of her. I am also thankful, that because of her, I discovered my high risk for cancer, and was able to lower that risk tremendously.

I am thankful for people like this; FORCE and this; Loreal Color of Hope , who educate women about their risks,and raise money for research to delete this horrible disease that steals away our mothers, grandmothers, wives, sisters, daughters...

This holiday season, take care of yourselves, and give yourself or a loved one the gift of knowledge.

Knowledge is very powerful.....

....no worries

2007-10-30T07:48:00.000-06:00

May pathology reports are back. The verdict is, "no invasive carcinoma".

Translation? No cancer, no chemo, no worries.....

There were some scary things on that report though. Cell changes that said it was just a matter of time. My surgeons have all said it was a very wise decision to have this surgery, and good that I did it when I did. I don't regret the decision at all.

Now I will concentrate on healing and getting back to life again...

surviving a pink October

2007-10-22T21:34:00.000-06:00

I have to admit that I've found October to be an oddly painful month for the last few years.

October brings constant reminders, everywhere I look, about a disease that has permeated and effected my family for far too long. I also find it irritating that we still don't talk as freely about the other cancers that effect women.

Most people reading here don't know that September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness month, just as October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. In September you scarcely hear about ovca. You definitely don't walk into a Hallmark store and see teal candles on a special display. You don't get offered a teal bracelet for an extra two bucks at your local discount shoe chain. Your favorite oil change place doesn't donate a buck for every customer in Sept. to ovca research...

I hope to one day see that.

After all- look how far we have come with breast cancer.
We remind each other to do our monthly self exams.. We remind each other to get our mammograms.. We have programs in place so that women without insurance can get those mammograms.
Not too many years ago, people did not even say the word "cancer" out loud.
October now brings in-your-face reminders about breast cancer everywhere you look. I hope someday we are as open about all cancers.

This year, October has been very different for me. I woke up, after a bilateral mastectomy, to a roomful of flowers adorned with pink ribbons. Many of the tags from the florists had messages saying that some money from all orders in Oct. is donated for breast cancer research. These tags are applied to all arrangements- the florist never knowing who is on the receiving end and why....

If wearing pink every day for the rest of my life would guarantee a cure for cancer I would do it.

But it's not the wearing of pink or a pink ribbon magnet on the back of your mini-van. It's the fact that pink everywhere makes us talk to each other. It makes us remind each other to take care of ourselves. It evokes the emotion that countless women should not die from this horrid disease. We need to keep talking and spreading the word....

time to save my own life.....

2007-10-07T20:22:00.001-06:00

I've known for several years that some day I would have surgery to reduce my odds of getting breast or ovarian cancer.
It's funny how life plays your hand sometimes...

Earlier this year, a routine mammogram showed several 'questionable' areas and surgical biopsies were recommended. I had four areas from one breast and two from the other removed. Thankfully all were benign.
It was recommended that I follow up every six months- forever.

A couple of months ago I found a lump and my surgeon wanted to do another biopsy.
I said no.
I have opted instead to have bilateral mastecomies. I refuse to keep having surgery on breasts that I want gone.
I'm not willing to gamble with my life any longer.

This week I will join my sister and thousands of other women who have chosen surgery over the possibility of cancer.

There is a lot of information available for people who want to learn more about family cancers and genetic risks.
One wonderful site is
FORCE: Facing Our Risk of Cancer Empowered.
http://www.facingourrisk.org/

how to save a life.......

2007-07-26T20:10:00.000-06:00

I recently learned of something called Give Love Give Life.
http://givelovegivelife.org/

It was a benefit concert held in February for ovarian cancer research and awareness. Musician/actor John Trudell founded the campaign. His longtime partner Marcia Labertrom came up with the idea for a concert to raise money and awareness. She fought ovarian cancer for seven years, and died just a few weeks before the concert. John's mother also died of ovarian cancer. He was only six years old at the time.

John, along with his good friends Jackson Browne and Willie Nelson starred. 2007 was the second year for this concert. They plan to continue yearly. One hundred percent of the net proceeds from the concert is given to the Cedars-Sinai Women's Cancer Research Institute.

Every seven minutes, a woman in the United States is diagnosed (usually after losing precious time to a misdiagnosis) with a gynecological cancer--200 per day--over 80,000 per year. The American Cancer Society states that over 80 women a day die from such cancers--over 30,000 per year.

Increasing research and awareness will lead to better detection and treatment and ultimately save many women's lives.

What can You do about this? Spread the word- pass on your knowledge. Every time we do that, we raise awareness. And by raising awareness, you might just save a life.....

b9 b9 B9

2007-07-20T18:11:00.000-06:00

My sister called today. She was finally able to go for a little walk outside, and is starting to feel much better..

It didn't hurt that she received some very good news;

All biopsies were negative for cancer............

beating the odds...

2007-07-14T20:51:00.000-06:00

In a little under eight hours, my sister's odds of getting ovarian and/or breast cancer in her lifetime went from 80% to 2%. I would guess the ovarian part has really dropped to 0% considering there are no longer ovaries just sitting around waiting to become cancerous..

She is home now and resting as comfortably as can be expected (which is not comfortable at all).

Everything went according to plan. One by one the surgeons came to us when their part of the dance was finished and told us there were no complications and this was a very intelligent decision for her to make.

out damn spot............

2007-07-08T21:44:00.001-06:00

Life takes so many twists and turns...

I recently read an article in my local paper that the AP had picked up. It said that doctors and scientists are agreeing now that the symptoms of Ovarian Cancer aren't really silent after all.. Something victims of this horrible disease have been saying forever. I am sure that not every doctor in the world read this little article, so women still need to be speak up- jump up and down and scream if you have to- when it comes to your own health. If your doctor doesn't listen, find one who will...

Since I last wrote here, a cousin was told she had kidney cancer, another was told she had thyroid cancer, an Aunt, her daughter, and her grandaughter are undergoing chemo together for breast cancer... My beloved Aunt was told she had ovarian cancer and resolved herself to being 'the next one' in our family.

And my dear sweet sister found a lump in her breast.

If you've read here you know that we were never tested for the gene mutation that causes ovarian and breast cancer.. Sis and I just decided that someday soon we would take care of the dangers ourselves. Many women are having prophylactic mastectomies and oophorectomies (removal of ovaries) because of strong family history of cancer.
She went to her doctor, ready to argue her point. Many doctors still think it's crazy to remove 'healthy' body parts for preventative purposes.
To her amazement her doctor suggested it before she asked.
So this Thursday she will undergo an 8 hour operation for a total hysterectomy, and to have her breasts removed, and reconstructed..
If you pray please say one for her..
They will biopsy the lump after the surgery. It is said that 80% of all lumps are benign.. we're praying of course that hers is.

After Thursday she will still have the normal worries that most people have, but when it comes to breast and ovarian cancer she will no longer have the fear of - as she says- WHEN- not if...

staying warm...

2006-11-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

I made it through September..
As I look back over the past year I realize that, even though the loss of my mother hurts tremendously, It is becoming easier to deal with...
I can think of mom and smile more.. We talk about her more often..

The weather here is very cold and dreary now.
This time last year, dad asked sis and I to please clean out mom's closets for him. Even though he still had her pictures everywhere, It was too painful for him to see her things every day. It was too painful for me to see her clothes too, so I stored them away.

Today I wore one of her coats.
It was wonderful.
It kept me warm in more ways than one. I hung it on the back of my office door when I got to work...
Every time I saw it, I thought of mom and smiled.
There was a penny in the pocket- which I'm sure she left there for me...
And on one of the collars was a tiny apple pin....

wake me up when September ends....

2006-09-05T21:28:00.000-06:00

September is National Ovarian Cancer Awareness month in the US.

Although designating a month for awareness of ovca is a step in the right direction, it is my hope that someday women will be taught to be aware of the symptoms of this disease as they are taught about breast cancer. I hope that someday there will be adequate funding for research for a cure of the most deadly cancer a woman can get.
I hope that someday, ovca will not be the 5th leading cause of death in women..

Raising awareness is as simple as sharing information with each other...
Please tell someone....

You can learn more about this disease by reading here- http://cancer.about.com/od/ovariancancer/a/ovarianawarenes.htm or here... http://64.132.170.241/newnocc/updateie.asp
or you can read our story in my archives........

September 26 will be one year since my mother passed away...
I'll never forget the words she said to me..

"If just one person is helped by what is learned from my illness, then everything will be alright.."

for her birthday.....

2006-08-21T23:59:00.000-06:00

Today is my mother's birthday...

I spent the entire day thinking about her... Some sadness, but mostly happy thoughts about the wonderful woman I was blessed to have as my mother.

I was going to buy some roses to take to her grave but I realized that mom would have liked ones from my garden instead. I picked several beautiful blooms and tied them in purple ribbon.
Now, in honor of my mother's birthday, I am going to do something that she would want me to do.

I am going to get on my soap box and give a lecture. This is for everyone- men, women, young, and old. Please stick around long enough to read this and then pass it on to someone else....

A co-worker recently told me her daughter was found to have a mass on one of her ovaries. It's not known yet if it's cancer but it doesn't sound promising. She said that her gynecologist would be doing surgery and then they would go from there. I told my friend that her daughter needed to go to a Gynecologic Oncologist to have the surgery done. She told me that it was ok- her daughter trusted her gynecologist.

This isn't a matter of trusting or liking your gynecologist.. this is literally a matter of life or death!
Having a Gynecologic Oncologist do the initial surgery or 'debulking' greatly increases your chances of survival. They are Gynecologists who specialize in the diagnosis and treatment of women with cancer of the reproductive organs, and they have specialized training and experience in radical pelvic surgery. (debulking is the removal of as much tumor mass as possible). Debulking surgery is especially important in ovarian cancer because aggressive removal of cancerous tissue is associated with improved survival. Patients with no residual tumor mass, or tumor masses that measure less than 1 cm, have the best opportunity for cure.

I am amazed that people don't know this, or at least do some research when faced with the possibility of this disease... My co-worker knows that I have first-hand knowledge, yet it didn't seem to cause her to take what I was saying seriously... Hopefully she went home, thought about what I said, and talked to her daughter.

The American Cancer Society estimates that there will be about 20,180 new cases of ovarian cancer in this country in 2006. About 15,310 women will die this year because of the disease.
I don't know about everyone else, but I don't like those survival odds.. We have to continue to educate ourselves and each other..

Happy Birthday Mom.. I miss you so much......

from the mouths of babes...

2006-08-03T20:15:00.000-06:00

It's not been a year yet since we lost mom.
Everyone seems to be coping most of the time.
Dad has gone back to his part time job that he started after he retired. He's been fishing with my cousin's husband, and of course hangs out with the grandkids as much as possible.

While talking on the phone with him one day last week, dad kind of laughed and said, "you won't believe what your grandson said to me the other day.."

He said, " grandpa you need to get a wife." Dad asked why he thought he should do that. and he said, "you need someone to take care of you!" He told him, "No i don't buddy! I've got you." To which my grandson replied- "no- you need a lady."

Keep in mind this is my 6 year grandson who has been raised by my parents. He was probably closer to mom than anyone else. He knows that mom wouldn't want us all to be sad and lonely forever- least of all dad. He's a smart, funny, loving child. My mother's influence certainly shows in him.
Just another part of her legacy that will live on....

The roses....

2006-07-06T00:26:00.000-06:00

I wanted to share with all of you a picture of the rose bush that my mother planted. It was planted in the backyard of the house I grew up in- and live in now.

It's been over thirty-eight years since she planted it, and it's still beautiful.

The blooms have started to fade now but the bush is thriving.

Another reminder of my mother's love.
Even though she is no longer physically with us, her love and spirit continues to touch our lives everyday....

LIVESTRONG Day

2006-05-16T23:08:00.000-06:00

Today has been designated LIVESTRONG Day by the Lance Armstrong Foundation.
http://www.livestrong.org
All across the country, thousands of people will be working to raise awareness of an issue that has affected too many of us- Cancer..

Three out of every four American families will have at least one family member diagnosed with cancer.

I lost my mother just over seven months ago. Some days it seems like yesterday. Other days it seems forever ago. The pain is still very real, as is the anger, and the fear.

Since December of 2004, I have met so many people whose lives have been affected by cancer. Sadly, many have died along the way... Too many.

We have to make changes so our sons and daughters
and grandchildren and great-grandchildren won't have to live in fear.

Talk to your state representative.
Talk to your doctor.
Make a donation.
Run a marathon.
Walk for a cure.
Examine your breasts.
Examine your testicles.
Get a colonoscopy or a mammogram or both.
Remind your parents, your kids, your neighbors.
Wear a teal or pink ribbon or a yellow bracelet.
Light a candle and say a prayer.
Just do something.............
TOGETHER we can make a difference and LIVESTRONG.....................................

...Mother's day

2006-05-14T21:40:00.000-06:00

Today was my first mother's day without mom.

It goes without saying that it was difficult. In some ways, the days leading up to today were more difficult than today itself..
I kept thinking of what I was going to buy for her mother's day gift..

I read back to last year's mother's day. It was a good day for mom...
http://jsdaughter.blogspot.com/2005/05/happy-mothers-day.html#comments

As I visited with my children today, I realized how blessed I am. I have so many wonderful days to look forward to, and so many precious memories to cherish...

rose garden.....

2006-04-30T23:04:00.000-06:00

A few years ago, my children gave me a rose garden for Mother's Day. They gave me several bushes and did the labor of preparing the garden. My rose garden is my favorite place to be in my yard. Especially in the spring- It is so exciting to see the new green leaves on bushes that are waking up from a deep winter's sleep.

Almost all of my roses are hybrid teas. I have several different colors. I cut many roses and took them to mom last year. She never went very long without a bouquet of fresh flowers. Her favorite flower was yellow roses, because those were what she wore when she married my dad.

Because we have such harsh winters here, I am always careful when protecting my garden in the late fall. Even though I take great care, sometimes I lose a bush, and have to replace it in the spring. Sadly, this year, my yellow bush was the one I lost.

However, one bush continues to amaze me, year after year...

I am living in the house that I grew up in. Mom planted a climbing red rose in the backyard shortly after dad and grandpa built the house. It had been dormant for several years. When we moved in here I gave it lots of TLC and it started blooming again.

Now, 38 years later, it too is covered with tiny new green leaves.
Even without blooms it is beautiful.
I can't help but think of mom each time I look at it, and I can't help but smile......

how i am.....

2006-04-20T00:14:00.000-06:00

Someone very kindly asked how I am.. The past seven months have been obviously difficult for me. Seven months sounds like such a long time, yet I can't believe that amount of time has passed so quickly.
I am still a master at denying my feelings and I keep waiting for that moment when I break down and really cry over the loss of my best friend. I think I learned the art of this while mom was sick.. (http://jsdaughter.blogspot.com/2005_03_01)
My life is moving on, and to outsiders it seems that all is well. I even received a big promotion at work. (The first thing I wanted to do was call mom..)
My personal relationships, however, have suffered. I've not found anyone I am close enough to that I can talk with about my feelings.....
I took some flowers to mom's grave on Easter Sunday and my husband came along with me. I asked him if he had seen her headstone yet and he said he hadn't been able to- not meaning he hadn't found the time - but hadn't been able to bring himself to go. (The cemetary is very close to where we live and we pass by it every day)
He held me, and he cried, and I couldn't shed a tear.........

not just a dash......

2006-04-04T10:07:00.000-06:00

Several weeks ago, a headstone was placed at my mothers grave.
It's very pretty... Soft grey with angels engraved at each upper corner..
Of course her name is engraved, along with the date of her birth, and that of her death.

As I looked at this memorial I thought of something I once read. How interesting it is that a person's entire life is summed up by a dash between two numbers.

It represents the joy her parents felt when their firstborn child entered the world, and the sorrow my mother felt when she was just a young child and her parents died. Her happiness when she became a mother, a grandmother, and then a great-grandmother...

In just that small dash, are years of memories, happiness, sorrow, joy, tears.... Lives changed by her words, her touch....

The image in my mind when I see that tiny dash is much more than any photograph could ever show....

my friend after all......

2006-03-02T11:35:00.000-07:00

It's said that time heals all wounds..
I don't believe that time will ever completely heal my pain,
but it is no longer as sharp as it once was...

I'm beginning to be able to think of my mother again. I've stopped 'changing the subject' in my mind when something makes me think of her. I'm no longer as afraid that if I do think of her, I will crumble. I'm allowing myself to see that no one person grieves the same as another. Humans don't follow a formula because another human put it to paper.

Sometimes I remember the sound of her voice, or the touch of her hand on my face. Thankfully, now, those thoughts give me peace.

I don't want to forget my mother, I just don't want the memories to be painful anymore....

I think maybe time is becoming my friend after all....

she said yes....

2006-02-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

Almost a year ago, my oldest son met a wonderful young lady. She is one of those rare people who is beautiful inside and out. When you meet her for the first time you feel as if she's been part of the family forever...

She met mom and they were able to spend some time together. Of course mom liked her immediately just like the rest of us did...

This past weekend my son proposed to her... It was so sweet. He paid attention to every detail from the custom designed ring to the horse and carriage ride, where he asked her to be his bride. It's so wonderful to see happiness and romance still exists...
Those precious moments somehow make all of the sadness and pain of life worth it all....

And I know mom is smiling, because she said "yes"........

100 days...

2006-01-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

Today my mother has been gone for 100 days..

I really expected to follow all of those steps of grief that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross decided we all experience. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance..

I went through the bargaining while mom was still with us.

Depression seems to be a daily occurrence.

I've discovered that I'm very good with Denial. ( I'm so afraid that If I think too much about her, I will fall apart and not be able to function.)

Anger- Oh you bet. I'm angry that such a vibrant and beautiful woman was taken away by this horrible disease. I'm angry that we didn't get to spend more time together. I'm angry that my father is in pain. I'm angry that no one would listen when she told them what was wrong..

Acceptance- I don't believe that will ever happen...

In this day and age, where we hope and wish and pray for miracles,
I keep reminding myself that life itself is a miracle.
Feeling the love my father has for my mother when he speaks of her is a miracle..
Seeing my mother's eyes when I look at my sister is a miracle..
Hearing the music that my children play because it was passed to them through the generations of my mother's family is a miracle..
Watching my grandson grow into a loving caring little boy because it's what my mother taught him is a miracle..

Breathing for a hundred days is a miracle...

time...

2005-12-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

It has been a little over two months since my mother passed away. Words cannot express how much I miss her.

I have had a birthday and Thanksgiving without her. I've had Tuesdays, and Fridays, and Mondays without her.... Christmas will be here soon and I'm not ready...

I think of mom so much every single day. I don't know how many times I've gone to pick up the phone and call her. That's what I always did before. If anything exciting, or interesting, or funny happened, I called mom.
When I needed someone to talk to- someone who would tell me everything would be alright- I called mom. She always knew what comforting words to say, and what advice to give.

They say that time will lessen the pain. I just don't see how...