Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks.

great

2005-12-31T14:09:00.000-05:00

pretty much got in a fight with my mom.

she pulled the car over so we could yell at eacother for half an hour.

and its funny that in that entire fight one thing she said actually mattered. And thats the only reason i'm listening to her. and its funny that that thing had nothing to do with her.

ugh

great

except i got my new dylan album.
which is amazing

2005-12-29T13:10:00.000-05:00

My Humps, Baby's got back

Watch the video

Oliver and Leo rocking it out

Rain pt. 2

2005-12-29T02:23:00.000-05:00

I've listened to the same side of the same Dylan record four times. I tried to stop, i put on James Taylor but after one song gave up my feeble hope. It's as if I stop playing it everything i'm thinking isn't going to stay exactly where it is. My feet are cold. My window still keeps falling open.

I took some black and white photos two days ago of Oliver dancing in his spider man pajamas to Chuck Berry. The film got ruined because the camera fucked up.

The Album's Bringing it all back home. If it mattered. But maybe it does. Maybe to actually stay in the present i need to keep reminding myself of everything that's going on around me. Which would probably get tediously annoying after awhile.

I've started running in to things around me again. Like walls (actual ones not chris), or my dad, who takes up way to much space, or Georgia's stairs which i fell down yesterday. Well only two steps but still. Also my stomach hurt from all the nutmeg and nutella we consumed. I just started the record again. I had to turn on the lights to move the needle. I'm hoping i won't have to turn them back on again for awhile. There's this one scene in Ghost World where Thora Birch get that record from Steve Bushimi and she plays the same track over and over. Devils Got My Woman by Skip James i'm pretty sure. I really just want the whole soundtrack though. This is how i get every night. Distracted then tired. I have two more Dylan songs to go though and i'm hoping i can make my way through them without thinking about anything else. I need to find somewhere online where i can upload a quick time movie. Georgia and I fell asleep with all our clothes on last night. She fell asleep on the floor and somehow i got her bed.

I keep typing things. Sentences paragraphs and then deleting them. Nothing sounds at all remotely important. Maybe i should give this up. I've tried writing each day this week and ending up with absolutely nothing.

I love the rain.This rain. I've been feeding Nina's Neighbors cat for the past few days and tonight my mom dropped me off there on the way back from Elmos. Its been the first time we've been to Elmos since last week without my mom and Leo spent most of the time pretending to be a samurai with forks he found and putting my phone in his mouth which he thought was hysterical. Any ways when my mom dropped me off it was raining hard but it wasn't cold outside. I got the sopping wet key out from underneath the matt and took my time walking to the door. Rain's not bad at all. And then i had to get back in the car which was the worst part. But standing out in my driveway in the rain once we pulled in would have been to weird. I'm not sad, i'm not depressed i'm just in love with sitting somewhere with no real distractions. Like the dark. or something so monotonous as rain that it keeps you from thinking about much else.

We've been watching the partridge family since i got it on DVD for christmas. I've been doing so much with my family lately. Or with my brothers, the little ones, and my dad. Maybe i should stop that. I just haven't wanted to think about school or things connected to it. And i really don't want to go see King Kong. Which isn't related.
I think I kind of miss that kid.
Which isn't related either. I hung out with Matt last weekend, or i guess that was a two weekends ago. It was him, and Cat came along for awhile. I got out of the car and Sam M. was standing next to Regulator selling hot chocolate with a group of people. I talked to them for awhile and completely forgot i was supposed to meet Matt inside. So when Matt comes out, and i've been talking to this guy Austin who Anna wanted to me to meet which was one huge coincidence, i felt bad. Hanging out with Matt was fine, weird. fine, just weird. I felt like i was holding back a lot of things and he was too and i was in this completely different place from last year and he wasn't. We did talk about how annoying it is when people tell you that all their problems would be solved if only they had a girlfriend. Maybe it was just me though, but i felt like that was pretty much what he was telling me the entire time we hung out. That all his problems would be solved if only he found a girl who he really liked. I kept awkwardly nodding. But maybe i was hinting at something along those lines too. a boyfriend that is. Oh and he was also an asshole at one point and i yelled at him. But later that night i pretty much stalked Sam at Becky's party.

all right now i'm going to attempt and explain that question thing. Doesn't it seem that questions are this really prominent thing in our lives. If you keep thinking about it though, questions are usually completely self centered. I mean we ask if we want something or want to know something. But what if we take away the self centered part of question asking and see it as a different tool kind of? I guess. okay to stop explaining in any detail. isn't this a cool question : If i could ask you anything, anything at all, what would you want me to ask you?

only one person has answered me so far. Think about it, i'm allowed to ask you anything.

Want a Bob Dylan quote?
Half of the people can be part right all of the time,
Some of the people can be all right part of the time.
I think Abraham Lincoln said that.
"I'll let you be in my dreams if I can be in yours,"
I said that.

good
i bought that record online tonight. Which makes me realize that however awful school is next week i can go home and listen to my Dylan album over and over and over again.

Sweet Dreams

Records

2005-12-27T18:42:00.000-05:00

my record player is slowly taking over my life.

like alcoholism is supposed to.

I've changed my entire room for it, i haven't touched the music on my computer, and i haven't been able to drag myself away from looking at record prices online.

The Black Keys has been on repeat for awhile.
Everyone sounds better.
I just bid on ebay a record that has My Humps four different ways.
And i've bought the Arcade Fire Record, along with Arctic Monkeys and the Decemberists.

But we can't forget the classics.... Bob Dylan, James Taylor, Joni Mitchell, Led Zepplin, John Lennon.
I'm playing Oh Yoko ... now.

I'm obsessed

Ham

2005-12-24T01:05:00.000-05:00

Its one in the morning

It's taken me to long to actually write this entry. I had to make myself a motivational playlist though, and I can't write anything when its light outside. So I was stuck with waiting until it got dark. It took me three hours to decorate my cookies today. But it was a three hours that i listened to christmas music and felt overly retrospective. I danced around my kitchen a little, but mostly just let myself think about things I haven't had the time to think about in the past few days. Last night I fell asleep in my clothes at 11. This morning i woke up completely dressed with no idea how it happened. I have no idea why i've been so tired. But I think i'm really profound when i'm making cookies. I think i'm funny and thoughtful, and clever, and interesting, and then I finished and the bounds of my greatness didn't reach outsides the levels of me standing against the counter with sprinkles. Spencer called me though which was even more of a challenge because i had to sometimes hold the phone and other times put him on speaker phone which means that Myrian might have heard a lot more about Spencer's life than she wanted. Also, during the three hours while i toiled I taught my brothers the words to my humps. Any ways basic picture of the cookies. Black and White picture, as well as a picture that makes you feel like your a cookie yourself. Which I mean is always our goal.

I've listened to the same song seven times in the last two days. Nick Drake's cover of Don't Think Twice It's Aright. We never did to much talking any ways... and that's the line that runs through my head a thousand times while i try to figure out why that has some meaning.

I borrowed my moms non-digital camera from her room today and found film somewhere in the house to use. Later though i bought more film at this place on ninth street so tomorrow I can run around taking pictures of everything.

It's Christmas Eve now. Of course i didn't finish this entry yesterday like I planned. I was going to walk to Ninth street and write but Nina called me and wanted to hang out. So instead we walked around ninth street for awhile. There was this guy though who was walked by us four times, with these huge headphones talking to himself. Nina wasn't deciding fast enough about what to get her sister so i sat outside on the playhouse steps and he walked by twice. I got a picture when he was walking away from me, but it was right in the sun so i'm not sure it will turn out. But we'll see when we get the film developed.

I've grown up since London.
That sounds Ridiculous.
I think its true though.

I found a cover of James Taylor singing Joni Mitchell's River. That and Aretha Franklin are pretty much all that i'm thinking about right now. Besides Christmas, but that's a given.

I'm also starting to think i'm not going to finish this entry tonight because all i can think about is Christmas. And all my others thoughts are blocked by a few major distractions. My minds jumping from my dog, to the tree, to other people, to santa clause, to my pictures, to aretha franklin... and then it stays there until i remember its christmas tomorrow.

Berry just walked in while we were eating dinner tonight.
We ask him if he wants to sit down and he says sure, and then he asks if we like ham. He then tells us he's going to get us some ham. He's going to bring us some ham. So we wait for a second wondering if he's going to go get the ham but instead he pulls a chair from the dining room in to the kitchen.
"This Ham," He says, "Is the best Ham around, its beautiful, I hope you like ham because this ham this ham is wonderful."
"Mhmm, ham sounds great. Prime Ribs?"
"Yes please! wow a feast a feast."
And my mom gets giddy over the compliments of her cooking.
"Any ways when are we getting that teepee party started again? We should go out there tonight. Drink a little, i swear tomorrow that ham that ham."
Silence.
My dad made a caption for the New Yorker and we all talked about it for a good half an hour. But for the next forty minutes whenever there was silence my dad would laugh hysterically. "its just, its just, so funny, so funny."
Nice.
Later
My very religious aunt comments on what we've been talking about for the past ten minutes.
"Yeah its weird when christians think Jesus is their best friend."
and our neighbor says "Right, cause you catholics, jesus pounds you hard. He just keeps pounding you and pounding you. Mary's your man then. Mary's your man."
And then i'm laughing, hard, and unhelpful add, "Religions just ridiculous any ways."

Georgia and Dru were over last Saturday. Ask me about it sometime. Here's a picture of me sound asleep looking five years old.

Lame early in the morning realization. Right now, my hairs up, i'm in pj pants and the shirt i wore today and i look as different as i can from that picture. But its still exactly the same. its me. Except it feels completely different. Any ways enough of me being stupid. Merry Christmas. I'm excited, i hope you are.

Questions

2005-12-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

Conversation over heard at the Tate Modern:
Where's Chris?
Downstairs i think...
I keep telling him he'd meet more people if he didn't hang around gay men all the time.
I know, i tell him the same. He's just getting dragged to these gay bars.
He needs to be hit on by some propper girls so he knows what to do.
He's done the man scene.
anyways you should try telling him or something.

I usually have a phobia of eating by myself but for some reason i sat there with my coffee and my art book about realism and was quite content for atleast an hour.

Hitler was an S&M addict.

I played my first record ever. Bob Marley actually...

Realized my camera is shit and wont take pictures with a flash so i hold the camera outside and its cold, and my hands shake so all my pictures are blurry.

Oh, and i've eaten enough food to last me past winter.

Londons amazing.

I'll edit this entry later, like when i get home. And add some pictures and actually maybe give some things explination. Or maybe they don't need that after all.

Superman

2005-12-08T16:04:00.000-05:00

did you know that super man can't actually fly? and that he actually jumps because the gravitational pull from Krypton is different from the one one earth.

I know, i was amazed too.

My mom picked me up at twelve because of all this NEW passport stuff we had to deal with. Meaning i'm leaving for London tomorrow instead.

"Wait how accurate is this map in size?"
"Rebecca, the countries are actually a lot bigger than that."

"Wouldn't me and Christmas be happy together though? Just Christmas and I in a little house, married and in love forever. We would never, ever get sick of eachother. I wouldn't have to talk to anyone else."

"Your an ugly mirror."

I pretty much failed when i fenced Sam all during class today. Maybe because he's a foot taller than me and left handed. Except he taught me how to flick and most of the times i'd end up beating him up anyways. But then we got in an argument about whether this thing you can do with your hands is a fox or a llama. It's a fox. Ask me sometime and i'll show you how right I am.

oh and check this shit out. We're all fucking insane.

Mission

2005-12-06T22:21:00.000-05:00

WHAT MAKES YOU HOT...something that you want but you haven't got
isn't that the way, just a game to play??...all day
Well I say you can bring the ice, the sweating will suffice
Your body parts are nice
Body parts are nice,
I can close my eyes,
And think about your lips;
They quiver to the tips of the fingers on my hand
I am a man with some secret plans I need to carry out.
You are my mission......impossible...at first
We're like cold fission...I feel an energy flow...flow..
Let it all go, close your eyes

this song is about sex
and Matt Bivins is not gay, though Georgias convinced herself he is.
These are a few of the things we learned today.

I'm attempting this keeping up with writing entries thing. I'm not sure why i'm bothering though? Maybe because typing is easier then actually making the effort to write something. Just so you know. I had an idea to get a HUGE tree for our homeroom but Rob wasn't that enthused. I'm listening to Blood on the Tracks, which we listened to every night before going to bed at TIP. It feels like all of the songs are drilled in the back of my mind. Like Joni Mitchell was when my dad would play Blue every night in the other room while i fell asleep.

During third period today Jamie was talking about the deep levels of hell in the Inferno. Then something a little bit amusing was said, and Chris and I are looking at each other from across the room, and he starts laughing which is hysterical. Because when Chris laughs you have no choice but to laugh with him. So we spend the last third of class laughing at each other and not paying attention. I tried to hide under Louise but Chris wouldn't stop so I gave up on attempting to listen. But before that i was leaning against Georgia and i closed one of my eyes to look at all the pictures Jamie has on his wall. Then i had the brilliant idea to measure them with my fingers from across the room. You know when something is just that much smaller from far away and you want to see how small it seems? Anyways i must have been doing that for a good minute when i realize no ones talking anymore. Then they all ask me what i'm doing. I'm not sure what to say. I think this is about the time Chris starts laughing.

Anyways third period's moved up to the favorite class position. Except were using imaginary numbers in math to solve negative roots so math is a close second. cause i'm probably the biggest dork ever. ever.

Usually my assumptions end up being false. Sometimes what turns out to be actually true scares but assures me at the same time. I've got my things to think about though. Sometimes the best interactions with people are when you run in to them while walking through a door. Then you have that awkward moment of standing in the door way. But its a nice awkward moment.

clap your hands and say yeah are coming March 3rd.

oh we also learned that Spencer is the fucking weirdest kid ever. I love him.
my parents came home. Tomorrow we get our Christmas Tree and i'm missing an ass load of school because all of this passport shit. I wonder if anyone's discovered i've starting writing nonsense shit in here again?

plus this is a picture i like, its my window :

Back

2005-12-05T00:46:00.000-05:00

fuck, what have i gotten myself in to now

it seems like whenever i'm about to publish something on here my computer ends up dying or something goes wrong. I just... can't deal with that right now.

i don't have any time. Today i was sitting in my backyard on our tiny yellow slide, with my cell phone and my dog. It was the first time in awhile i've had time alone where i wasn't having to do something. I guess i could be doing that now but i'm online and i've gotten distracted and i don't need to be completely alone right now. But any ways the slide, i kept calling these people in my contacts list. No one picked up, not one person until Henry's mom who decided she would pretend to be my friend. I lied and told her i liked high school. Then i pretended i had to go. Peter's mom told me she could drive me home from wellspring. For some reason i wanted to walk, but then when she offered again the effort of walking seemed daunting.

i guess i'm just weird like that.

i think sarah might hate me now, even though nina's tried to convince me she doesn't.

whatchya gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk, i'm gonna gonna get you drunk get you love drunk of my humps

i do know every word, and he did keep his deal... hm...

i decided i want to start writing in here again. maybe my mom will finally stop reading it so i can say stuff that i actually mean. Or more stuff i actually think about. Or maybe this is going to turn in to a failure again. I've been living at nina's this entire weekend. It's been amazing. My house is depressing without my dad. And then we went to the mall us four, Dru, Jeramie, Georgia and I. and i acted crazy and different and i felt like how i used to, more than any other time this year. Then we went in the photo booth and were extremely great. I also saw santa. actually i saw santa twice because he gives out candy canes on the Christmas train and life and science. Which.was.amazing. of course.

But the santa train led Nina Ani and I to be in Ninas room and i ended up doing this crazy dance to Rudolf the Red Nosed . After i finished Nina turned to me and was like, "I never see you like that?" i told her it was because she doesn't see me when i'm happy very often. I cut nina's hair last night though, and it looks great. I'm extremely proud. But see, Nina and i are weird. Now especially. We sat and talked last night and tonight about how both of us are changing. Not us as friends but us individually and how everything turning in to metaphors for loss of innocence. So we listened to The Baby-sitter's here over and over again until we got sad enough to stop.

But now i just feel like i have this big pile of things to say and no way of explaining it. And its just me in my room in the dark at twelve and nothing else is as important as writing this, now. I feel like i'm always making myself stop caring to much. I'm always forcing myself in to not actually admit to anything. Dru told me online though :

druapicture16: well that's not bad you can feel that even though its like against some dumb rule you have
druapicture16: LET YOUR INNER LONGING OUT

which basically summarizes everything right now.

Why are people always hiding what we actually think? Why do we never have the balls or whatever to say what we actually want to. We're always hiding because were scared how we're going to fuck everything up.

i'm so sick of hiding but right now i don't really have any other choice. This weekend went by so fast. Sometimes i'm worried i only work in school because i'm completely expected. Sometimes i'm worried i don't even care anymore.

Tracy Chapman is wonderful. Except now i'm listening to James Taylor I need someone to sit me down and just explain to me everything that's going on. Tell me that in the end everything going to be perfectly okay. I think i'm craving anyone who gives that to me. It's like i'm in need of this assurance and i need to latch on to those people who make me less confused for a few moments. And i shouldn't hate school, and i should start my essays sometime before the night before they're due, and i should realize i'm just as immature as i always have been, and i should realize that some things are really amazing.

but i have a good analogy about everything. It invovled creme brulee and mushroom sauce. hahahaha and i do love it. But its time to sleep now with the small propect of nuttella for breakfast. Because those are the kind of things that get me through the day.

Glen

2005-10-13T09:57:00.000-04:00

Glen
Originally uploaded by ninecherries.

i didnt take this, i forgot my camera, but i thought i'd steal someone else's photo.

that was basically my view anyway :)

hehe

Bloc Party

2005-09-28T17:40:00.000-04:00

another

Yes

2005-09-27T15:23:00.000-04:00

okay, let me finish my essay and then i'll tell you ALL about ACL... every little detail with many pictures to go along with it.

I just looked at the cradle website. We are Scientists coming! and Ambulance LTD. and The frames, the last two i saw at ACL.
But basically i need to write my essay now and stop trying to think of a way to get a ride to a concert that isn't for another month. It's not october yet, but when it is i can start really counting down until christmas. school still sucks, but third period is very wonderfull.

Austin was amazing though. I think i'm still in the after glow of it...

and a picture while you wait for me to finish my essay. Cause i know you all want to hear about it so bad:

Ambulance LTD

The crowd on Saturday

works

2005-09-20T20:32:00.000-04:00

its thundering... my windows open

Its really bright and arcade fire's playing. It all works somehow

haha

2005-09-13T16:11:00.000-04:00

i'm in Rob's advisee group

HAHAHAHahahahHAHAHA

'nough said

Type

2005-09-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

hahahaha

Type your sn with your...

nose: uqqj3w5taq67orfan14
elbow: jnamestzhyl,kolfcan14e
chin: nmz ddezxf,m,kfdfdfrcvAnq1er4
feet: jazmedstaayyllorffazn`14
eyes closed and one finger: jsmrdtaylotfsn14
back of hand: jmie4senntgtgazl,hylo1qr4
palm: juamestayulorfranh14
wrist: jsam,frdshtxylolrfan2q4r

i couldn't resist

Breathe Me

2005-09-05T01:06:00.000-04:00

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

I cut my hair, I can hear my dog outside.
We have a gas shortage.
Blogger added to its format and I cried at a puppetshow tonight.
Still, no one is helping the people in New Orleans.
Yet nothing has changed. Everything happens the same exact way and we go through the motions because we have no other choice.We're all going to be exactly the same because deep down we're just trying to survive.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me

I can hear the TV in my parents room but the sound is muffled by the song that's coming from my computer. I'm hope people understand I was frightened, we all were.

I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

I sat and watched my neighbor at the table for ten minutes. She was talking to someone in her living room and I kept watching her hand movements grow as she started leaning forward in her seat. I took another sip of water and thought about things that meant the most to me. Which made me want to call Adam, and then I took another sip of water as my neighbor leaned far enough back you couldn't see her anymore. My dad walks in to the room and asks me something I don't hear. I nod. Then I slowly sip more water before laying the mug down and pushing my chair backwards. I go to watch the last ten minutes of six-feet under which I've been meaning to watch again since I got that song. The one they play in the end while they kill everyone off. My parents come in and watch it with me but they keep pausing to tell me about RENT. I'm thinking about stuff so I don't go upstairs. They start watching The Amazing Race and I curl up on the end of the couch. It's time to go to bed.

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Yesterday was amazing.Ryan tagged along and we rode the bus to West Campus where we got smoothies and asked a random guy to take pictures of us. Then we went outside and made a peace circle while ryan played the harmonica in his pocket. We sung this little light of mine and Molli bravely asks a guy to join us and he pauses before saying he has to shower. Then we pretend to be collage students for a few hours. Somewhere around then I said something about rabbi's and dru says "Who's your rabbi" you know all uh something like. Which means we spent most of the time randomly saying, 'who's your rabbi?' And on the bus Aja comes and sits on my lap and we make fun of the drunk Duke girls. Even though its 6 in the afternoon. the computer just fell on me... Damn I should be sleeping. Basically it was probably some of the best hours in my life. Especially after dinner when everyone was being taken home by Aja's dad except Georgia, Ryan, Aja, and I. We ran around the fountain before turning around 30 times to become 'drunk' and we ran around the field. Then we got Ryan to pole dance on the light poles. It was brilliant because everyone would walk by and he got really in to it. Damn ... Then we crashed Charlie's house. Though, for some reason i keep thinking about secrets and how they end up making things interesting. But still life's exactly the same.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Nina told me the puppet show was amazing and I didn't believe her. That's not what it was. I tell my dad about this song that I found and that he HAS to hear but he tells me mom has already showed him. Which is weird because I wouldn't think mom would have found it. Spencer H. Was at the puppetshow and I talk to him for awhile before getting yelled at by this ugly skinny lady in the row behind me. I don't know why mom keeps telling me Kristie should have been there. The puppets are amazing, of course they are, they always are every year. I kept watching the collage photographer on the side. He kept standing on the stone and waiting, the camera dangling on his neck as he stands. He lifts the camera to his eye and then lowers it. Then stands. He reminds me of something. I don't understand why mom keeps asking me if i remember Kristies wedding. The puppet show, It was wonderful, colorful, and something you feel like is just your own even though its outside on a huge campus. It makes me love living here, just being near the idea of this. I've never really liked it that much before. I don't see why mom keeps telling me Kristie would have loved to be part of it. I realize that masks can seem more real than actual faces and i remember to put that on my blog. After the black monster has eaten most of everything and a bush look alike attempts to kill the pigs, and an assortment of colors flash across the dirt stage a huge green figure emerges. She revives the 'resting' as ani said, dragon and we clap. We're amazed something can be fixed. The dragon starts walking towards the children, all the kids in all the aisles. It starts walking up and it bows its head to everyone can pet it. Oliver stands in the aisle waiting for it to reach him. That's when i cry. I wont look at the dragon and instead i look at the kids running past me. Looking away from anyone in my family. Then I think about how I always sound the same, before i turn and look at the Dragon that's standing almost above me. I don't want to go pet it, I've grown out of that. And I realize way to suddenly I'm not like these kids anymore.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Me, Oliver, Leo, and Mom, we get in the car. The boys fuss and beg for Yellow Submarine but we wont give in. I forget what we were talking about, but I start playing my ipod. I play the song for the second time as we near the house. I don't want to analyze it, but we're quiet. I'm mouthing the words in the dark car and so is mom. The song pauses. In the way it always does. We pull in to the driveway but she doesn't turn off the car and i stop my movements for the door. I turn to look at my mom. And she has her head against the cars seat and she's just listening. And, that's the moment I realize my mom is just a person. An amazing person yes, but still she's not at all perfect. Suddenly everything's real. I don't see why mom never told me beofre. This idea she could be a little scared too. And I get choked up, because I basically cry whenever theirs silence. So I turn away towards the window because i could never stand reality.

Class

2005-08-31T17:16:00.000-04:00

Classes are...

1st-Foundations Of Lit. With Jamie
2nd-Introduction to Physical Science With Matt
3rd-African American Lit. With Jamie
4th-Intigrated 310/ Trig. With Dave
5th-Spanish II With Rob
6th-Middle School TA
7th-Beginning Acting With Susan
8th-Orientation Class

Mostly so I will Remember

Life's pretty boring

I ran in to Matt, the teacher, like ran ran in to him. During meeting for worship today Dru turns to me after Benjamin talked and says quietly in my ear, "hello captain obvious." I laughed for awhile, though i suppose it wasn't that funny. And Dylan imitated Juliettes brother in an english accent which was the best thing about lunch. Oh and during meeting for worship Sam Miron did an interpretive dance that was very very wonderful.

All my classes are really small, all except math. I think first period has like eight or ten, same with second and third. Fourth period is a huge, i think it has 18. But Matt told us, his second period class that being smaller is a lot better. I just think its weird not to be in classes with half our grade. I feel so separated from a lot of people, mostly ones in second period math. Dave, during fourth period asks us random questions as he calls our name. Dru and I were sitting next to each other and being like shit! i hope he doesn't ask us anything hard cause older people are in the class. He asked me if its worse having him as a temporary advisor or a teacher... I had no idea what to say and then was like, teacher because i'm stuck with you all year. I didn't think it was that funny and everyone else thought so and all i could think was YES i made sophomores and juniors laugh. Which shows how insignificant i've been feeling these past days. Spanish will be uh... all right i suppose.

I just bit my cuticle so my fingers bleeding, its really gross and really hurts. I'm ganna go get a Band-Aid. Seriously this is all that's interesting going on in my life. Oh right fencing sucked. The first time its actually ever sucked. It was deathly hot in there and i was scared matt would walk in any moment and didn't want him to and i was tired and upset and i did awful. I really don't want to talk about what i'm thinking though. Not now, not for awhile. My parents accuse me and whatever they say i say i'm not doing it. Or that yes i'm fine. Your acting weird, no i'm not. Are you okay, yeah i'm fine. Your having a fit, no no i'm not. Your freaking out, no no i'm not. ITs just me, messed up right now hoping that things don't end up a huge disappointment.

Jellyfish

2005-08-28T14:53:00.000-04:00

and its the most interesting thing when you realize the reason after three months why you like school so much better then your home.

The best part of vacation was realizing that Dad and I had both read the same article about jellyfish in the NY times while i was at tip. The story was really cool. Both of us attempt to explain to our guide about the complexity of jellyfish and we both realize were talking about the same article. That was pretty awesome...

and i really like them
and these guys

Canada Eh?

2005-08-26T19:17:00.000-04:00

*sigh*

and i'm back.

finally

I love Salt spring Its my favorite place in the world.

and Joe just made my life with a joke. I'm out of the bitter mood i was in the last two hours.

But I finished the summer reading on the plane this afternoon. I loved one and the other one annoyed the shit out of me for a lot of reasons. Not saying that learning about race isn't highly important and not saying that the story wasn't amazing but still, it was a terribly written book that's so...so... I hate books that talk about families. I'm to annoyed at the world to enjoy things like that. So that gave me something to complain about, though the other book was amazing. But read the Graphic Novel, Persepolisbecause its actually interesting though everyone seems to hate it in my grade. What's with that?

The highlight was Oliver calling me Mommy though. I was baby-sitting them for a few hours one morning while my parents and Sasha went on a walk. And he goes "Mommy, will you get me some orange juice." And I grinned at him, "You just called me Mommy, you just called me mommy." He corrects himself automatically, "Becca will you get me some orange juice." Leo jumps in, You just called her Mommy! We make fun of him and then i pour him orange juice before i teach them how to bump down the stairs.

I played a lot of Pokemon with Sasha, I forgot how completely addicting it is and how amazing you feel when you grow Charizard another level. Its like your god except the people aren't real... But Leo and Oliver are cute and Leo knows all the words to Yellow Submarine which is his favorite. While Oliver knows all the words to Maxwell's Silver Hammer and likes it best. They also know all of When i'm 64 which is my favorite to watch them sing...

And to drive my parents insane i taught them to sing a song in the car...
Mmmmm Ah went the little green frog one day
Mmm Ah went the little green frog
Mmm Ah went the little green frog one day
and his eyes went Mmm Ah Mmm Ah Ah

Vroom Vroom went the big gray truck one day
Squish Squish went the little green frog
And his Eyes didn't go Mmm Ah anymore
cause they got eaten by a dog
Woof
Woof

Again, *sigh*

Agreed

2005-08-15T22:40:00.000-04:00

i'm going at five in the morning tomorrow to canada... and my mom is not letting me bring my computer so i'm disconnected for ten days. I'm in an awfull mood though i probably have no reason to be.

"But, please remember me fondly i heard from someone your still pretty and they went on to say that the pearly gates has some elequent graffiti like words like lost and found and dont look down and someone saved temptation and please remeber me, seldomly"

shit iron and wine is stuck in my head. I can't think of anything... nothing...i have a lot to think about but nothing to say. I found a cool band on myspace today, and that was exciting. Also at Elmos last week a guy was sitting on the bench and Nina told me he worked at Bean Traders. I agreed and we ended up fighting over if he was jewish or not...He was and i attempted to explain this to Nina. He was working their today, at bean traders when i got my latte. I started to wonder if he was jewish and gay because he looks like the actor in Angels in America but then of course that actor probably isn't gay at all. I was about to ask him if he was jewish but instead i looked out of the window for awhile debating if i should say anything. I realized i probably shouldn't.

I just remebered that gus and george didnt ever succeede in teaching me how to tackle...Damn i was so bad at that

Alright

bye

Love

2005-08-13T19:45:00.000-04:00

via the post :

Yesterday's announcement that Courtney Love had tested positive for drugs came as no surprise to anyone who attended the Comedy Central roast of Pamela Anderson Sunday night at the Sony Studios in L.A. Love was "out of it" when she arrived. On the red carpet, she slammed her head into a photographer's lens while posing for a close-up, a source said. During the roast, Love, seated on the dais, repeatedly flashed her crotch at the crowd, pulled up her shirt to reveal a lacy black bra and shouted "Drugs on the house!" She babbled incoherently into the microphone for ten minutes — prompting more than a few people to tell the rocker to be quiet. After Love shouted, "I'm sober over a year now," host Jimmy Kimmel said, "If this is sober, there is a real problem." One audience member snickered, "She makes Andy Dick look like a choirboy." The roast will be televised Sunday at 10.

*sigh*

though i still love her

Sleep

2005-08-12T01:58:00.000-04:00

i've been staring at this red light on my cealing for the last twenty minutes. I know its been twenty minutes because i started right when the watch, the one i got when i was about nine beeped. This watch beeps exactly seven minutes before the hour, years ago got attached to this setting and its the only way i ever know how long i've been not sleeping. If you roll your eyes while watching this red light it moves. I think its the fire alarm. It only moves if you roll your eyes though, if you move them side to side it stays exactly where it is. Well its about twenty minutes since seven until one. So i guess then its a little after one. I keep lying there, and once in awhile this memory will come up and i'll roll over on to my pillow grinning because its so rediculously great. Like the time where we all tried to walk on the wall in the study room in Alspaugh, and Dylan taught us. Or the last day of camp, and Michael sitting on the bed next to me and i see him so clearly being so... so... him. Or two years ago that time where, or last summer when... I tried to get my room as dark as possible but thats not the problem. I have to wake up early tomorrow and i swore to my dad i'd be cheerfull. Go to bed, he told me at twelve. Well i'm in bed, i promise. Remembering moments always make me want for the moments again. But haven't i achieved the feeling of the moment already? Isn't it enough that I had the experiance and can always remember that. I suppose. Maybe i shouldn't think about that right now. I always wonder what other people think about when their trying to sleep.

hm, why do teachers thing writing poetry advances our intelligence. It might make us more soulfull or interesting but why are we required to right cinquains and hiaku's when really we know no one actually makes an effort to make them good if their for a teacher. I hated second period last year and no one realized why. That made it special in some way, i have a secret, not a very good one but still. Or the secret that i always have to sleep facing away from the wall, on my back because i'm scared of things...And i used to (and sometimes still) for awhile, during the day avoid mirrors because i was scared to see what other people saw.

No one knows what i think about when i'm falling asleep. It's always changing and never that interesting really. But, I always want to know what other people want...i'm not sure what else is as personal.

My clock beeped again, i suppose i should go and try to rest or something. Maybe i'll play with the red light a bit more.

Running

2005-08-10T01:31:00.000-04:00

My computer died. Everything’s gone. All my pictures, all my music, all my documents, i'm on my dads computer and i like myspace you should go there. Hey, it’s my 100th post.

It's one of those moments when I’m actually happy with myself. I'm smiling, and singing along to Jack Johnson. I'm wearing sweatpants and my huge headphones, the lights off and I hear nothing besides the music. And I know as long as I stay in this room I have no responsibilities, because i don't know what i should be doing instead. I bought this song but the quality isn't that bad. "Waiting waiting on you, must i always be waiting waiting on you." Maybe if i make it loud enough I’ll forget things are going on around me. These are also one of those moments when i realize sometimes I’m the happiest when I’m by myself. I look around and the chorus plays for the last time and i wonder if the tickets are sold out yet, and if Nina's going to not shut up about it tomorrow. But i really don't care. My goal is to write this, so I’m not going to dwell on the small thoughts i have. Instead i repress them as much as i can and turn up the music a little louder. Now we're talking.

Ah, Spoon. "Now this little girls she says..." Brilliant. This is the reason I’d had stopped listening to music when i wrote. It distracts me because i end up sitting staring off in to space wondering, honestly about what i was thinking last night. I slept over at Georgia's. It was one of those times when you’re both thinking such weird things and it’s finally an acceptable time to bring them up. Now, this is the time where i would tell you about our conversation, but i can't. Because, i always remember someone whose reading the post who will be offended. But then, it gets worse because i see my mom reading that sentence and respecting me more for not mentioning anything that would make anyone offended ever because being honesty like that isn't okay to make public. Uh, but now i see her thinking that was a mean sentence about her, and she’s going to want to defend her thinking like that but that wasn't what i was saying at all. I like my mom and we've been getting along really well, or well enough. And shit, I’ve walked myself in to a wall. I got in a fight with my parents a few nights ago, maybe about a week now. They mentioned my blog and they were telling me to change something, and my parents used the parental authority to make me do things excuse and i got up and left. My dad followed me a few minutes later, and we hadn't been getting along since he got back. We talked and it doesn't matter. I was upset, i asked him what he meant by self continues in his comment to the previous entry. He told me that it seemed like i was censoring my self. "uh yeah," i said, "i don't want to actually say anything i'm thinking." First time ever. So, because of my dad i'm typing something, and trying so hard to not think about other people. I'm really trying. I'm still deleting every other sentence because i think they sound awful. My dad asks me, "And, about boys? Anything having to do with them? " And i kind of lost it. And its stupid, its so stupid that he was a lot more right than i would like to admit.

It was one of those conversations where everything will be okay afterwards and you both know that once he gets you a bowl of ice cream everything will be all right in the end. But, the terrifying thing was that it wasn't. I still think he's being the coldest to me he's ever been, and still when i got upset about something for the first time i got in the car and turned my phone from vibrate to normal to vibrate to normal, until my fingers tingled a little. It wasn't what i expected, so i ran away.

I like Iron and Wine a lot, Upward Over the Mountain is being played on repeat and its one of those songs that... haha i honestly don't know how i was going to end that sentence. Maybe it always depends.
...some says the sun brings hope where it once was forgotten suns are like birds flying always over the mountain..."

I got invited to Nina’s to have a tea party and i didn't go home for three days. We watched movies, and sat in coffee shops, and listened to Courtney Love. We discussed how gross certain people we used to like are. And we stayed up until three talking about the meaning of life. Lee and Elena were around too, once in awhile. Every day we had big plans to do something 'awesome' but this thing was only accomplished when we weren't searching for it. I got mad at her for not getting any action at camp, we discussed this for hours because hey, theirs nothing else to do. I could elaborate but i don't remember the details. One of the most interesting things we touched on was goals in our lives. Which lead to this obvious one that people point out, oh well the goal in life is to be happy. That’s bullshit. I even believed that for a while, i think we trick ourselves in to believing this thing because it’s an easy want. We want to be happy and that’s the goal. But we don't, because once you start asking people about this, asking them if they really want to be completely happy they all say yes, but then take it back saying that they would hate it because complete happiness is boring. "I'm really happy" Nina tells me lying in her room the last night i slept over. "I don't think i show it enough, I don't think you think I’m happy because you don't see me all the time, but i'm so happy, i'm really happy" But she shouldn't be thinking i had any doubts. I know Nina's really happy and I love that she is and she can admit to it. She doesn't overshadow it with pretending to find excuses to be miserable. "I'm really happy too," I told her, "You have to understand that also." I definitely wasn't lying. I roll over on the air mattress on the floor. "But, the reason why i'm so afraid of growing up is..." I paused, "I don't know one adult who's truly happy." I roll back on my mattress and think for a second. "No, i know two, both of them not being happy for a majority of their adult lives to begin with." Nina thinks for a second before saying, all right i know one. I suppose you could say the same things about kids, or teenagers but its not the same at all. Kids, like my friends we aren’t actually unhappy. We aren’t stuck in our lives because theirs always that hope that we'll grow out of this town or this place and finally be a real person. Nina and I talk about this, and i start believing it more and more. Adults I think about, and revere I see their weaknesses as obvious. I just feel like your entire life your always waiting for things in your life to get better, you always need to change everything because your goal is to make everything perfect. Everyone is secretly unhappy with some major point in their life. People are just tolerating their lives because they have no other choice. Society sets you up so easily but even when you love someone to a point of obsession there comes a point they drive you mad. I know very few people actually happily married, completely happy with their choices. How disappointing, we're working towards something that always has you wanting a little bit more.
So, their is no meaning to life really, and Camus says i'm even using that as an excuse to find meaning. Nina asked me what was wrong with finding a meaning. Theirs none, i told her, but theirs some satisfaction when you feel like your breaking a code.

I'm happy but i'm terrified of growing out of it.

What’s holding people back from actually being completely content with their lives. I'm not blaming people who complain; i'm wondering how to get rid of the thing they’re complaining about.

Georgia tells me she’s unhappy, and i tell her looking straight at her that that is not true at all so she rephrases it a little. Maybe she’s, maybe i shouldn't have told her she wasn't but in that moment I couldn't believe it. Hm, I hope Dru's doing well i haven't talked to her or Jeramie in awhile.

i hate when people reveal so much about themselves that theirs nothing left to guess so you have no choice but to slowly get annoyed

I've been playing something Nina said the other night in my head for a while. Which is perfect for me to say as i'm listening to Jump the only band i really connect with Nina. "Love," she tells me. "You know how everyone is always saying that they don't want to say love until they actually mean it."
"Yes"
"Well isn't that a little ridiculous, i mean,"
"Whoa," I interrupt, "This is the opposite of what you've been saying forever, like at Martha’s," I say, "When we got in that fight about it. I mean you've changed but you understand..."
"Yes i understand that i said that i'm not pretending i didn't. So basically shouldn't it be that love is something you should use all the time. Because words don't lose meaning just by saying them really. Words mean different things by the way that you say them. Love is more powerful in different context but why," I'm listening intentively and she pauses as if analyzing why. "Why do we restrict ourselves from saying it. Why do we restrict the word love, probably the word we should be using the most? Why are we not telling everyone we love them all the time. I mean, why is this word restrictive when this is one of the best things we could be saying to people." She sits back. She's not actually asking me and she understands i agree when i'm silent. This stays with me, has stayed with me, and i haven't answered... i realize i know even less then i thought as i get older.

And we open the blinds a little and crack up hysterically. And we both curse laughing and hugging the pillows underneath us. "But he's soooooooo fat'" Georgia assures me, "Oh. My. God." She says sitting up a little more. "Fat with two t's like Hott except bad." This is brilliantly ridiculous and i nod in complete agreement. We laugh, "smells like goat," she says between breaths. And that’s it, Georgia's off the bed because she was laughing so hard and i'm trying to breath. And we don't go to sleep for another two hours.

Please close your eyes please close your eyes if you don't want to say please close your eyes the sun will rise and keep your mind at ease so close your eyes please close your eyes.....

Meaning

2005-07-30T02:32:00.000-04:00

I’m yelling quite loudly at my parents as I stand on our couch attempting to get them to understand. “I think your going through a phase,” this is what my dad says to make me finally stop rambling. “And,” he adds as an afterthought, “Your mother agrees with me.”
“What?” Mom attempts reassures me, “Everyone's going through phases at different times and this is a new phase that yes, you are in.” The parents look up at me waiting for my next move. I say the only thing I can say in this situation and I say it as loud as i possibly can. “I am NOT going through a phase!”

I had another strange dream two nights ago.
Later, when i tell Georgia about this dream sitting in the coffee shop she mildly nods. She messes with the straw lightly in her teeth twirling around the ice in her cup. She honestly could care less, and I wonder if its important I share this information at all. I come to the conclusion it is and go on though I know what Georgia's thinking about while I talk and trust me it definitely has nothing to do with me.
It would be so symbolic if my dreams all connected, I myself would be proud at my intellect. Instead they seem to be random, unexciting things to keep my restless mind content while i sleep. I had another one last night, i’m starting to really enjoy them.

This is the conversation we have right before I tell her about my dream. Georgia before i tell Georgia,
I comment to no one in general about my weirdness and georgia agrees with me saying, “Well of course your weird, i’ve known you for awhile and always known your weird.” Which strikes me as a very interesting thing to say and suddenly i desperately want to have this conversation. “But i am weird,”
“Yes, very very weird.” Which i still find fascinating because even i know I am not that odd, i mean, honestly, i can hold a conversation most of the time and i’m not strange, i’m just weird. Though i thought i was normalizing out but this normalization has brought this even larger confusion where i was actually weird before and now i’m normal and how is that possible, its just weird. But not even really, just in the context as we were partially comparing me to another person. So i bet she didn't actually mean weird at all, so none of this is actually relevant. fuck, thetas disappointing.
“But he’s so normal,” I say talking about this other person. "And apparently i’m weird.”
“No no, but see it works out well because you’re so weird and hes so super normal that hes normal for you both and your weird for you both. Does that make sense?” She looks up from the table. ‘It works really well, but you wouldn’t think it would you know.” She repeats the last line for emphasis. “It works really well.” Then she looks up at me somewhat pleading for a reason both of us know. “It has to work out really well.”
This is the part where i believe her because that will make everything easier. But i can’t help but wonder if were just bullshitting ourselves in this reality and making up things as we go along. Which is what we are doing, but I don’t care and i nod. “So,” I smirk finding this to be the perfect moment to discuss my dream, ruining any profoundness that could have been found in our conversation. “In this dream i’m hanging out with Joe and we’re going to sit and wait for these people and your in this dream but you don’t show up until after, and i sit on this log and Joe says, get this, Joe says...”
Which only makes me sound weird if you take it out of context.

Dru and I sit on the Regulator couch and discuss school, for an hour and a half. I come extremely close to touching the reason I don’t don’t want to go to school but we don’t. Maybe because I didn’t realize the reason until five minutes ago, literally. Then we eat at Elmos, then we talk about Harry Potter for half an hour. I desperately want the restaurant to play Weezer, for some reason it seems fitting. Photograph, I want them to play photograph so I can gasp and say something along the lines of “Ohhh my god I CAN NOT believe they are playing this song.” But they don’t and instead I mess with the ketchup on my plate and mention an interview I read somewhere.
Which is the same tone i discuss things with Sarah when she comes over. I lean over the bowl mixing in the eggs and she mentions Bruce Springsteen. It’s calm, wonderful and makes you feel as though your more interesting then you probably actually are. I love that feeling. Sarah calls me this morning and we talk and are interesting in each others lives for a few minutes before we graze upon the common ground of my mom, or nina, then we comment on seeing the other in the common presence of either my mom or nina and then we say nice goodbyes and both hang up and I feel good and go over the phone conversation in my head as I grab some milk.

The phone has been ringing for the past half hour and i happen to be the only one home. It’s been Sarah twice and Mariah the rest of the 5 times. My phone is on vibrate for a reason and i’ve slammed the door to try and drown out the ringing. I have a huge pet peeve of partially closed doors. This has led to many screaming matches at my brother as i attempt to get him to close the door without me having to get out of my bed. Last night I lay in bed for around two hours. I could have easily kept reading and fallen asleep faster but it was partially a challenge to see if I could fall asleep on my thoughts alone. I guess it worked because the last thing I remember is another very vivid dream involving me knowing something everyone else didn’t. Superiority. I was making pancakes this morning and carelessly realized i fear people looking down on me, and talking down to me. That and judgment are two very different things. Anyway i wont stay on this topic for long, I don’t want to be self reflective this morning.

Mariah calls me, it is one of the most boring conversation i’ve ever had. Their is no need to even explain the existent of it. I’ve hung up and now i’m mildly confused about what to do next. This comforting thought process leads me to staring at my computer screen wondering if their is any way i could get Jon Stewart to father my children. I realize their is none which is slightly disappointing. Myrian calls me downstairs to yell at me, which is something thetas been giving her a lot of joy this week. This is the reason I like to hide upstairs when I wake up. Supposedly i didn’t clean up the kitchen enough though it looks perfectly fine to me. She gives me a short lecture which i’ve learned to tune out very well. You stand, or sit on the counter and nod, say yes, agree, nod, apologize for whatever the fuck you did, nod, and think about how your going to get the ice cream out of the fridge without Myrian yelling again. Yesterday this lecture went on for about fifteen minutes, this morning i was spared at five. This kind of Superiority doesn’t make me mad, it just makes me better at pretending to care. I always do what she says though, because in the end shes always right
I know your trying to see the meaning behind my small casual overly personal remarks, i promise you they mean nothing. I swear that each one of these small sentences is just another way i use experience to end a paragraph. But, this is the time you tell me that it must mean something as everything does, or maybe you aren't and don’t care but the daughter of the psychiatrist in me is willing me to ask these questions. I will not admit to them meaning anything. This is all bullshit, I honestly don’t care. Right?
This entry’s jumping through time. It doesn’t have an actual logical placement. One thing happened yesterday, the other more than a week and a half ago. Most of it happened this morning. Just now I emailed Georgia. I asked her if I was going through a phase, of course thetas not all I said because even I can’t get away with an e-mail like that. I know what shes going to say when she writes back. She wont be definite, and she wont actually answer my question. I don’t mind, i knew she wouldn’t yet i want her to answer any ways.
I spend and hour in mad hatter talking about books and students with my teachers from TIP. With no offense to anyone who was part of my life this week, that was by far the best part. Though beating, no slaughtering Sasha and Sandi in Gin Rummy was quite an accomplishment. I sit and talk about the llama with my TA and fourth years then I find Nina. We talk, its great, i beg her to run away with me next week. She elects we should go camping then changes her mind when she remembers shes talking to me. Then she has to go to dinner so I leave.

Now, this is the part where i put my headphones in and drown out everything with music. But instead all I can think is that its way to fucking hot outside, if I think about TIP i’ll cry, and maybe Sandi’ll let me get Cosmic for dinner as i’ve eaten nothing today and its five at night.
I stand waiting for someone to stop to let me cross the street for a few minutes. No ones stopping and I stand their waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
Which i’m hoping is some kind of metaphor but i really don’t think it is.

Analyze

2005-07-23T01:25:00.000-04:00

This is me, one in the morning in front of my mirror. I'm in my new PJ's and a t-shirt that i found in my closet yesterday which was nice. I momentarily play with my hair and then stand there with my hands over my mouth just kind of thinking. Sad that i'm thinking about topher grace instead of the millions of other more interesting things happening around me. Whatever, i run my fingers through my hair again. I desperately want to turn on Bruce Springsteen and it takes me awhile to finally find myself in bed. Lately everything takes awhile. Why Springsteen? I turn it low, i’m afraid of waking my parents up. Suddenly i don’t want them to know anything about me. I’m experimenting with myself it seems.I keep telling myself i’m getting closer but i keep changing my mind. I’m stubborn, have you realized by now? I’m stubborn and opinionated and non-commitive and- and- i can’t stop staring at the red blinking light on my ceiling. My blinds are partially open and the lines look like bars, prison bars. The sky outside is pink tinted and for some reason i can’t believe outside is home, durham, or at least not one in the morning. Springsteen got old so i switched to Ben, why do i hold on to music so much for my emotions? Why do i cling to it as if my identity... i don't know. The reason i have nothing to say is because i understand it so perfectly and for the first time i don’t want everyone to know. Do you believe it? Well fucking-A i’ve grown up.

I can’t do this right now.

I don’t know why

I wasn’t going to put this on my blog. Because my blog was this thing where i could write anything. Well obviously i can’t do that anymore and i’m sitting in my room and writing these entries in my head and their poet and perfect. Then i sit down and write them and i sound like a whiny bitch were i’m complaining about my perfect life. Then you realize that people understand you .... and thats the last thing you want to admit. Because i feel like i’m not allowed to complain, i’m not allowed to actually talk about shit thats going on. Why? because i have no reason to complain about anything and i hate people who make things out to be awful when really they aren't. See i’m complaining now! haha its like existential class on the first day! So, this is the deal i haven’t been wanting to write anything. I haven’t wanted to actually type down it all because its so stupid and trivial but maybe as i slowly want to write about things going on in my head i’m ganna publish them. Like tomorrow when i’m home, alone because no one fucking is here. And no one is going to give me shit about complaining and over analyzing everything (which i discovered is the reason i’m going to end up alone... but thats another story)Well i wasn’t ganna publish this, but i thought you guys needed an update. I’m fine, fencing camp was amazing despite the fact that has it now lies matt and i aren't talking... but see for some reason i really don’t know why i think everything is hilariously funny. Like Sam being an asshole to me, or not talking to matt for example, or being yelled at by the Avid video guy, or myrians snide comments about the baking soda i spilled. I just don’t care.

I just can’t take anything seriously. Which might lead me in to big trouble, which would give me something to do this summer.