how i see it

we're all going to die.

2009-06-18T19:26:00.005-04:00

crop circles. they are all the rave. and i don’t get it. and i don’t mean that i don’t get them (the crop circles), i mean i don’t get they hype. just like with anything else that humans don’t have the answer to, we will sit here and form the most outrageous theories that are rarely based on knowledge of factual information, but rather our beliefs, fears, and imaginations.

but i am not going to debate who is responsible for the crop circles, because i could go any direction. if someone can have the desire to kill and eat 15 people, then it would be a vast underestimation to think that someone bored as hell on a fucking farm wouldn’t spend some time planning a way to freak out the world over his patterned corn cropping. on the flip side, an alien could walk in my office right now and take a piss on my floor and i wouldn’t be fazed.

point # 1: i could give a fuck about crop circles, who is responsible for them, what they mean, etc.

so here’s the article that got me on this topic:

an excerpt: “investigators claim more formations are referencing the possibility of a cataclysmic event occurring on december 21, 2012, which coincides with the end of the ancient mayan calendar.”

my initial reaction to this is that 12/21 is my roommate’s bday…which means he might be able to go out with a bang while we are celebrating his birth…which would be pretty cool.

but then i keep reading. and i get to the comments. and then i see people debating what it all means, while others are quoting scripture, some debating who formed the crop circle, and a few the mayan culture, etc. and i think it’s all fucking bullshit.

so…this is not about the crop circles to me…it’s about why people are so afraid of the end of the world.

here are a couple of reminders:

you will die one day (unless you are a vampire, but that’s a whole other topic)

we are maggots, sucking life from this earth

when the shit hits the fan, it’s going to hit the fan and this universe is too big and powerful to worry about the nice house you built for yourself and the fact that you aren’t ready to leave

you cannot redirect a meteor, or a bomb, or whatever wipes the earth's surface clean of us

we are pretty stupid

okay…with all that being said, here’s my issue: what the fuck does it matter if the world as we know it comes to an end? what do you think you are going to be missing out on? i am not saying that people should look forward to dying, but by being alive, you are subject to death…every second of every day. it’s that simple. if your heart is beating, it could just as easily stop beating. what if it’s pissed at you one day, and is just like, 'fuck this asshole, i am going to take a long nap'. you’re done. and that’s your heart…inside your body…it belongs to you…thrives in your chest cavity…and at any given moment it could end you. but i don’t see anyone trying to interpret a religious or spiritual meaning behind a heart palpitation. get it?

death is death. no matter how it comes. and quite frankly, if the end of the world comes while you are still inhabiting the earth, consider the fact that your family and friends will never have to mourn over your death. i am all for us all going out together. why the fuck not? then we can all get our last thrills (or hugs and kisses) in, and be done. no, i am not trying to get anyone to drink the kool-aid. just saying…our lives aren’t that fucking meaningful on this planet. but if you need that security blanket to keep from slitting your wrists, go on telling yourself that you are a miracle, that we are here for a reason, that life is a test, fill in the blank.

i personally feel that we are here by chance…the natural evolution of things. no one planned on my existence, and no powerful being has a place for me after this. life is life, without all the bullshit everyone adds to it to make it seem more important than it is. it’s about doing whatever you want to do…and if that consists of falling into the trap of fear and old school fables that you misinterpret, then go for it. i will be enjoying myself, and not living as a hostage to all that jazz. and i have a feeling (but you know…i am full of opinions) that we will all end up in the same place. not heaven, not hell, not purgatory…but nowhere. if i am wrong, then you will have plenty of time to remind me of that in the after life. until then, i am going to enjoy myself.

so that’s my rambling of the month. it’s not to strike a debate because we are all entitled to believe what we will. so if your bible and your heaven make you sleep well at night, good for you. vodka usually helps me sleep well. and sex…that knocks me out.

here’s to 12/21/12!

almonds, bacon and qvc-wrapped in email. deliciously low fat.

2009-05-28T20:24:00.010-04:00

Well known fact about me: I have a tendency to overindulge. I like instant gratification, and a lot of it. Hence the reason I am still staggering around searching for more booze having a conversation that I won’t remember with someone whose number will end up in my phone and I will never call because I won’t remember them either, hours after I should have been passed out because my conscious brain and most motor functions have shut themselves down. But the overindulgence doesn’t only pertain to booze, it just gets the most attention…it has come close to killing me a couple of times and apparently some people are concerned about that. But let’s not let cheese fall too far into the shadows…because that shit is dangerous.

Little known fact about me: I buy foods that I sometimes don’t like that much as a defense against my overindulgent ways. It’s like those southwestern whatever baked lays they have now…they are really good, but REALLY overzealous, making it hard to eat more than a serving size.

Something completely random about me: I like to stop on the QVC channel and read aloud the name of whatever they happen to be selling during that run through of the channels. The names are always ridiculously long. Seriously. It’s like people who are hired at QVC to decide what items they stock and sell are given one guideline: “Item must be titled with at least 7-12 words to appear more important than it actually is”. I think it’s obnoxious, but to pull the obnoxiousness from the actual tv and make it a real part of my living environment, I announce it to whoever happens to be in my company. It’s like a QVC pit stop.

What does any of this shit have to do with anything other than the fact that I am insane? Where the fuck am I going with this? Just keep reading.

Yesterday I was grocery shopping at Target, and I needed almonds, specifically Blue Diamond Roasted Almonds. They are good, and good for you (I don’t work for them). I noticed the smokehouse variety and was like, ‘what do the smokehouse ones taste like?’. This was asked rhetorically, as I did not expect that there was a blue diamond rep hidden behind the stocked cans of fruit pits, waiting until a customer with the decision making skills of a down syndrome aardvark inquired about how their smokehouse variety would tickle the palette. But then Jarrett answers, ‘I didn’t like them, they are like bbq flavored…you would probably like them’. Well of course I would like them if they are bbq flavored. SOLD!

Now it’s today, and I open the can at work, and the smell of them punches me in the face harder than if an actual dead pig had been tossed at me like a pillow in a teenager's slumber party soft porn. I taste one, and I wonder how they can take something as delightful as an almond and make it taste like a hard wooden ball of bacon. It’s like a dog treat. Did I mention that I hate bacon?

Would you think this would be worthy of an email string? And if so, would that email string end up uncovering my distaste for people's infatuation with religious characters? If you said no, then you are fucking retarded.

From: Brooke (CLT) [mailto:Brooke

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 11:50 AM

To: Jarrett

Subject: Smokehouse almonds taste like

NOT

Not a fan.

From: Jarrett [mailto:Jarrett_]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 11:52 AM

To: Brooke (CLT)

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

Yes that is a better description. I apologize for the misinformation.

From: Brooke (CLT) [mailto:Brooke.]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 12:02 PM

To: Jarrett

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

it's all good. i will still eat them...and at least that way it will keep me from eating more than 5 at a time. that's what i call flavor control eating

From: Jarrett [mailto:Jarrett_]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 12:03 PM

To: Brooke (CLT)

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

Haha…you have just coined a new phrase

From: Brooke CLT) [mailto:Brooke.]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 12:14 PM

To: Jarrett

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

i think i should come up with some product...or write a book about it and sell it for like 12.95 on QVC

Brooke's Flavor Control Eating: The Unknown Answer to Your Diet Disasters- First Edition Paperback with Special Wallet-sized Grocery List Companion and Flavor Identifier

From: Jarrett [mailto:Jarrett_]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 12:15 PM

To: Brooke (CLT)

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

LOL…that is perfect

From: Brooke (CLT) [mailto:Brooke.]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:34 PM

To: Jarrett

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

it's all coming together so perfectly. i wrote the book in like 10 minutes, it's being printed as we speak, and QVC has already given me the date that the book will debut on their wonderful channel of yard sale worthy goods. check out the item window blast:

From: Jarrett [mailto:Jarrett_]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:36 PM

To: Brooke (CLT)

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

LOL…you must have a lot of time on your hands right now

From: Brooke CLT) [mailto:Brooke.]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:37 PM

To: Jarrett

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

not at all...just got the email from QVC and thought i would send you a snippet.

From: Jarrett [mailto:Jarrett_]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:39 PM

To: Brooke (CLT)

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

Oh ok

From: Brooke (CLT) [mailto:Brooke.]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:47 PM

To: Jarrett

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

And this is from the publisher. I don't really like it, but i guess it's QVC worthy

From: Jarrett [mailto:Jarrett_]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:50 PM

To: Brooke (CLT)

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

Hmmm…they didn’t spend much on production and design

From: Brooke (CLT) [mailto:Brooke.]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:51 PM

To: Jarrett

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

Not at all...but if you think about the people who will be buying this madness then does it really matter? they probably have porcelain lily pad candle holders that say jesus loves frogs on their bedside tables.

From: Jarrett [mailto:Jarrett_]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:56 PM

To: Brooke (CLT)

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

From: Brooke (CLT) [mailto:Brooke.]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 4:57 PM

To: Jarrett

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

oh. my. god. i bet you cuddled with that when you were little.

From: Jarrett [mailto:Jarrett_]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 5:00 PM

To: Brooke (CLT)

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

No, but my mom probably has one now.

From: Brooke (CLT) [mailto:Brooke.]

Sent: Thursday, May 28, 2009 5:01 PM

To: Jarrett

Subject: RE: Smokehouse almonds taste like

order her a tshirt that says "jesus loves southern women who think he exists"

and there you have it. wasted brain space, bacon almonds and fake american dreams. these are the things that consume my day. thanks

brooke penis-wrists

2009-05-11T22:36:00.004-04:00

i think i must be superhuman. if not then i have the healing powers of a superhuman. i was rearranging my bedroom today, and somehow slit my wrist open...a perfect line that runs parallel to the radial and ulnar arteries...right in the middle of them. so if whatever i inflicted myself with had hit half an inch in either direction, i might have just bled to death all in an effort to make room for an elliptical. but still, i was gushing blood, and kinda pissed because i thought i might have to go get stitches. and now...4 hours later...it looks like i was scratched by a cat. it's like i grew skin to bridge the gaping laceration. it's really bizarre. i keep staring at it in astonishment. but even weirder, it seems as though my wrist was implanted with something long and somewhat cylindrical...like a small bic lighter. and it's hard. you can press it, and it feels like there is something in there. i made me roommate examine it and press on it as well...and he thinks i should donate my body to science.

maybe i didn't open my wrist up on my furniture. maybe the government put a tracking device in my arm. maybe i am going crazy and my arm was amputated 5 years ago, and this is a really long dream in which i am capable of moving furniture and typing with 2 hands and this fake injury is my conscious trying to remind my subconscious that i don't actually have a left arm and i should wake the fuck up. but that's pretty far-fetched. therefore i must just be superhuman. yes...that makes more sense.

now that i am looking at it again, it actually looks kinda like a penis growing on my arm. maybe if it keeps growing i could donate it to that naked wizard guy whose penis was seriously the smallest thing i have ever seen. you probably don't know what the fuck i am talking about, but you should definitely find out because it's scary. actually, after thinking about that poor guy i don't give a fuck what's going on with my arm. and neither should you...but you should watch naked wizard man with the world's smallest penis. poor thing.

OH MY GOD I HAVE A PENIS ON MY ARM THAT PUTS THIS MAN TO SHAME.

today in 'things better left unsaid-the swine flu officedemic'

2009-05-04T19:13:00.003-04:00

i really don't have a filter. and i don't give a shit, but at the same time, i can admit when i probably should have just been quiet. well…i can admit it sometimes. i was in the elevator at work with a few other women, and this bitch with a stroller walks into the lobby. i am hoping that someone will push the button to close the doors. instead, someone throws a leg out and yells, "oh, a baby”!! i wish that was an exaggeration. unfortunately it was just a terrible display of this 30 something's desperation to have a child, be near a child, smother a child with her cooing and reflect on why she is alone and hasn't yet procreated. so i am like…fuck. i backed myself into the corner of the elevator while the door is held for this apparent miracle creature. in rolls the baby, and all of the estrogen ridden monsters are immediately hunched over him. the top of the stroller is closed, and there is literally like a 4x4 inch window through which we can see the sleeping child. so i am like…leave him the fuck alone. maybe he doesn't want to be bothered. maybe his mama has him trapped so you all can't blow your hot breath in his face. i am amazed that babies’ first sentences aren’t, “get the fuck out of my face”. but while everyone is chatting it up about how cute he is and how curly his hair is and how much he’s, um, asleep, i say, "hey there…i see your mama has you in a little bubble. you aren't going to get the swine flu are you? no!"

one girl laughed, but she looked hungover and slutty--the type who probably just downed plan b with her morning coffee. the rest of the bitches gasped and dropped their jaws, staring at me like i just told them that the baby would be better off in a dumpster. when we got off the elevator one of the girls was like, “i can’t believe you said that!” i mean, was it that bad? is the baby now destined to get the swine flu? do people lack the ability to chill the fuck out? for fuck’s sake it’s not that serious.

to make matters worse, the mom just happened to be coming to show off her fat little jewel to someone in my area of the building…so i got to be within earshot when the baby was woken from his slumber and started squealing like a pig. seriously…he was growin hooves. Looks like it was too late for the efforts of a bubble stroller.

we can always blame the children.

drink away the fear

2009-04-29T20:54:00.003-04:00

am i the only one sick of all the swine flu crap? i mean...1 child has died in texas. meanwhile, in all 50 states, thousands of kids have been raped or exploited or locked in the attic, hundreds of people have died due to AIDS related complications, 115 people have died in car accidents, 10 soldiers lost their lives, a couple of people drowned, and i have a fucking hangnail. yet, the swine flu has people all in a fucking tizzy. simmer down. until the swine flu takes the form of a visible being that lacks the strength to break down your door, you can do nothing to avoid it. i would also suggest not having sex with any pigs. or goats...because they hang out with their pig friends. it's cute how they wallow about in the trash together all day. such an unlikely pair.

what the fuck am i talking about? i don't even know if pigs and goats hang out. i mean...i don't know why they wouldn't. they are both mild mannered creatures. both unfrazzled by their surroundings. they might be in cahoots and this outbreak of swine flu is the way for the glorious little pig to stick up for his best farm friend. it's all because of you goat fuckers. you are the reason this near pandemic is sweeping the nation (and by that i mean killing one mexican child in texas).

but if animal farm taught me one thing, it's that pigs are egotistical power hungry beasts. george orwell's depiction of this dirty little curly tailed creature is 100% accurate actually. he was the nostradamus of his time. pigs are taking over the world. damn i am glad i read that book. just like realizing at age 28 that you DO actually need some of that math you were forced to learn, i now see the reason behind at least 1 of 40 assigned readings.

so it's settled. we are all going to die. turn off the tv, drink some booze, and go gracefully. the more tequila you drink, the less you will be aware of as the swine flu takes you over and you slowly drift from your body. oh but wait...tequila is from mexico. fuck, i'm scared.

this is just the shit i am thinking about today

2009-04-27T16:52:00.001-04:00

my parents should have poured boiling water on me every time i ate cheese, because then it would have only been once.

every member of the media machine has a boner for the swine flu. just like that bird flu that wiped out the population a few years ago.

if you give divorce court a chance, you will find that it's extremely entertaining. unless one of your relatives was one of the toothless fuck jobs on there, then it would just be a shame.

seeing a grown man cry over something that is really sad (like a dead dog) is the hardest thing ever. seeing him cry about something like the fact that his fat wife was spending more time in a yahoo chat room than with him is just hilarious. yes...still on divorce court.

someone should create cold fire. i would like the fireplace to cool me in the summer time.

oh shit...this wife on divorce court...she's suing for $350 for the electrical bill. 1) how long did you go without paying to power your trailer for the bill to be $350, 2) really? court for $350?, 3) i love you guys, and your speech impediments

i should quit smoking, but those damn truth commercials always make me light up. especially that one when he is trying to ship cyanide and the one when they wrestle in applesauce, and the one with the wheezing sewer rat, and the dying babies...okay, all of them. if we all quit smoking, we won't get to see these funny installations any longer. i just can't support that.

the lottery should be easier to win, but only for me.

that's it for now. there is too much substance in these 8 bullets for any one person to handle, i know.

TGIF...hurry the fuck up

2009-04-23T19:42:00.002-04:00

is there something wrong with living for friday? that's all i do. i mean, there are the random nights during the week that i get fucked up and try to pretend like i am still living pre-rehab. but for the most part, i find stupid shit to do to waste time until friday, more specifically, friday at 5:30. then of course i glide through saturday and suddenly it's sunday, and i start to dread monday. so what we have here is 4 full days longing for friday, 1 full day of what the fuck ever, and 1 full day of dreading monday. that means that 72% of my time is spent in anticipation of a day other than the current one. wow. that's sad. but maybe it's just sad that so much time is spent doing shit that i have no interest in doing.

i interrupt this to announce a text i just rec'd...

dial 973-409-3274 to vote 2 make weed legal...this is real shit, pass this # around. we need 1 mill ppl 4 this 2moro so obama can pass this bill. real shit!

i highly doubt this is "real shit", but i will be calling it soon, just to fuck with whoever these people want so many people to fuck with.

anyways...back to what i was saying. the endless cycle. i can't accept it. is there something fucking wrong with that? people are like, "get a hobby". i have several. it just so happens that my favorite involves getting fucking plastered. when beligerance is your preferred state of mind, hobbies are just temporary distractions...distractions that do not involve candid moments of spontaneity and insanity...2 of the most important ingredients in life.

so grow old, work your ass off to be able to spend the minority of your time enjoying yourself. that's bullshit. there should be a support group for people like me. and i don't mean AA, because i have been to my fair share of those self indulgent gatherings. i mean a support group to pull together people who don't just get sucked in and become complacement with the endless rotation of society. we could probably throw the best fucking party ever. so scratch that...i have a support group. it's called My Friends. Bo is the leader. he has already sent me 3 texts today alerting me that tomorrow is, in fact, friday...like i need a reminder. and he knows that. both of us are doing nothing but dreaming up ways to make the earth rotate a little faster, then slow down drastically, then speed up once again.

so this seems kind of depressing. and it kind of is. drinking keeps me from dwelling on this same shit and right now, i happen to be sober. but don't take it as a negative thing. just look at it as a way for me to kill some time, waiting for friday.

just called that number...it's busy.

just called again...and you really can press # to support the legalization of mary jane. okay...i don't know about the bill tomorrow bullshit...but whatever...i will show my support.

one of me

2009-04-22T19:56:00.002-04:00

i most definitley have multiple personalities. how is it that in the time it takes to refresh a facebook page, i realize the tv is now on bravo, poisoning my brain with the real housewives of fill in the blank...when just 2 minutes ago i was watching news updates about the latest and greatest of the caylee anthony story. but what's that story anyways? didn't they find her body months ago? she's dead. let's move on. we should save some of our emotional distress for when of our loved ones is murdered, stashed in a trunk and discarded on the side of the road.

anyways, i don't know how the tv got on bravo. i would blame my dog if i had one. and i really want one...like most women my age want children. but i recognize that it would be selfish to have a dog cooped up in this apartment all day when i was at work. too bad so many women don't realize that it's selfish to leave a child cooped up while they are off to suck more dick for crack. back to the point...i didn't change the channel. or maybe i did, but while my body was being directed by a lesser known personality that my brain is hosting. one that wishes that i was a spoiled rich wife who gets weekly botox injections and hops around a tennis court in my tiffany jewels, finding the most ridiculous shit to bitch about. yes, that must be one of the personalities. update...she can't find her tennis racket and she just had it a minute ago right there with her bottle of water and her towel!!! wow...that happens to me all the time. she doesn't remember moving her racket, i don't remember changing the channel. true story. i couldn't make this shit up if i tried.

i am a real housewife of new york. this is not a delusion people. this is real.

drink it up

2009-04-21T18:39:00.001-04:00

i really want to go back to the days of completely not giving a fuck about anything. humans aren't built to sustain all the emotional roller coasters that life hands them. but short of being sociopaths, we aren't able to not give a shit about anything. this is where the alcohol comes in.
rehab really fucked me up, and i can't believe it has taken me this long to realize it. 2 years of being sober for the better half of my weeks, and i finally understand that sober=shit. i have nothing more to show for now, than i did pre-rehab, therefore making my efforts fruitless.
this isn't meant to be depressing...just realistic. there's nothing wrong with being fucked up and numb all the time. the brainwashing should be stifled before intervention, jesus, bible-beaters and doctors screw it up for everyone.

is it so?

2009-04-06T20:56:00.001-04:00

i am back...i think. i can't really decide. but yeah...i think i am.

say it with me...HALLELUJAH

2008-11-04T23:49:00.003-05:00

i feel so much joy i can't even express how happy i am right now. i have a renewed faith in my country. mccain's speech was incredibly respectable. i just sat on the phone with my mom and we both cried like retards. random people in the streets are screaming for obama and cars are going by w/ horns blowing. i hope that this election will make people who were swayed by race take a second look at how ignorant that is, and i hope that EVERYONE will realize that HELPING YOUR FELLOW MAN, RESPECTING THE RIGHTS OF OTHERS, AND BEING AN ACTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY are ideals that THE MAJORITY of the country was willing to vote for.

for fuck's sake

2008-10-29T18:26:00.002-04:00

i am tired of hearing about it all. i am tired of seeing palin and her fucked up face and i want nov 5th to be today. and hopefully, next week, i will not be making plans to move to a foreign country.

i voted saturday, and i wish i could vote a million more times.

steroids

2008-10-25T12:22:00.003-04:00

i got a shot of them in my hip. it's stinging. other than that i am about to go vote FOR OBAMA then come back and lay my non-breathing ass on the couch and watch tons of stupid movies.

i pissed my pants in newark, nj the other day. it was hilarious. more to come on that later.

it's cold and i could not be happier about that.

dementia?

2008-10-15T08:47:00.002-04:00

this morning i went into my roommate’s room and was talking to him about the shirt i was wearing (because that’s really what he wants to be bothered with first thing when he wakes up). and it’s actually just a men’s t-shirt from old navy, nothing interesting. anyways, i was standing by his dresser and when i walked out of his room i realized that i was carrying a pack of smokes…then i realized that i took them off his dresser. i walked back into his room and was like, why the hell did i just take your cigarettes? so then i was like…god, i must be a clepto. 10 minutes later i was looking for my stridex pads. yes, i said stridex pads. no, i am not 15. no, i do not have acne. yes, stridex pads are a very fast and effective way to keep your face cleansed. it’s like pouring acid into your pores…sending blackheads on their way before they ever get a chance to claim your face as their new found land. so usually the stridex pads are sitting right next to my face lotion. they weren’t there. i checked EVERYWHERE they could possibly be. i was like, see…this is why i always think i am going crazy because shit just disappears! when i had finally accepted the loss, jarrett comes into the bathroom and was like, “these were on my dresser and they are not mine”…he was carrying my stridex pads. so at least i know now that i am not a clepto. but why didn’t i remember even carrying them into his room. and why did my brain tell me to pick up the pack of smokes rather than the stridex pads. and why when i picked up the smokes and then returned them did my brain not alert me-“BROOKE…YOU SAT SOMETHING DOWN ON THE DRESSER, IT WAS YOUR STRIDEX PADS…GET THEM”.

okay…so i wish this is where the morning mishaps ended. i was walking to my car to leave for work and i thought to myself…what day is it? why the hell do i have on flip flops? i have worked at this place for 2.5 years and we have never been able to wear flip flops…but there i was with the piggies hanging out. it was probably a good thing because when i went back inside i realized that i had, once again, left my netflix movies on the coffee table. i am seriously retarded. i hope i die before getting old because this shit is seriously for the birds.

this is the kind of shit they should tell people in D.A.R.E. rather than making kids fear death (which is usually impossible because how can you fear something that you don’t think you are susceptible to?) they should just warn what holes in the brain can do to a person. this is your brain…this is your brain on drugs. whoa. i don’t know about you, but i would prefer my eggs cooked.

2008-10-14T22:43:00.001-04:00

I fucking hate leather purses. There is no reason for a cow's skin to be used for the purpose of carrying around tampons and a cell phone. And what is w/ all the shiny shit? Sex and the city is finally off the air. Can we finally stop trying to emulate the disgusting trends of a hopeless romantic waif who struts the streets of nyc in search of a husband and an appletini?

bye bye bowden

2008-10-13T18:04:00.001-04:00

oh...finally...FINALLY he has coached his last game at clemson.

why is hanna playing with my emotions?

2008-09-05T17:57:00.002-04:00

that little bitch has dwindled down to nothingness. she is no longer packing a punch and that is such a let down. i want some excitement in the form of hurricane chaos. and she is not worthy of a name...let's just call her what she is...RAIN.

palin

2008-09-05T17:54:00.001-04:00

i found this very interesting. go read it.

and while on the topic of an unfit VP...this shit is hilarious.

running the gamut of emotions

2008-09-04T18:18:00.002-04:00

7:00 am-ENRAGED
why did i turn on the news this morning just in time to catch highlights of palin's and giuliani's speeches? take another stab at obama, please....but this time, do it without those shit-ass-eating grins on your fucking faces. god, why do i get so emotionally involved in this shit? oh yeah...because our country is fucking going to hell in a hand basket and so many retarded assholes are trying to maintain the momentum of our downward spiral.

8:00 am-FRUSTRATED
i decided to read palin's entire speech upon my arrival at work...that was a bad idea. i wanted to choke someone, namely a guy i have worked with for 6 years who voted for bush TWICE and admitted yesterday over lunch that he is still 'undecided' about this election.

8:15 am-OVERWHELMED
damn i had so much work to do. this was probably a good thing because now that i have a minute to think i am back to the whole hating palin and all mccain backers.

9:45 am-HOPEFUL
i got a call from the realtor and all signs for getting the new place point to YES!!!

11:30 am-BEWILDERED
question: how is it that i can lead a meeting at 10:00 to review the proper way to handle certain patient cases (that are repeatedly mishandled, leaving me to correct others' work and communicate delays to the client) then 3 people, minutes after the meeting, make the same mistake??? i mean really, we JUST went over this. you know i am reviewing your work so you know i am checking for these things that ARE REQUIRED...so why the fuck can't you write the shit down on a little fucking post it and start doing it correctly? oh...that's right, because you don't give a fuck. at least you aren't at home collecting unemployment i guess.

12:02 pm- INTERESTED
does anyone really know what the hell hanna is doing? she flipped and twisted like a fruit loop in the caribbean (anyone listen to eazy-e?...no...okay, so that comparison means nothing to you). they change the projected path on the hourly. i want some excitement...some winds...some storms! remind me i said that when my power goes out.

12:30 pm- ENTHUSIASTIC
i just was...no real reason

1:45 pm- CONFIDENT
after meeting with the realtor i am about 89% sure that the place is ours!

2:30 pm- ANXIOUS
i am ready to move, ready to watch the clemson game saturday, ready for some cool storms (hopefully), ready to be done with this week, READY

2:55 pm- SAD and REMINISCENT
what would my childhood have been without this man's wonderful cartoons? i mean...he was old and everything so it's not like a tragic loss...but it's still sad to me.

3:28 pm- APATHETIC
i just decided that i am no longer going to care about anything today.

4:10 pm- BORED i am counting down the minutes until 5 pm when i leave. here's what i am reading to distract myself...

bowden's promise to harper

checking out the schedule

i hope vandy can pull it off for the second year in a row

how stupid is this?

this is pretty cool

looks like shirt.woot has some competition

poor thing

why is this killer so attractive?

4:55 PISSED
why is it that i have been sitting here for the past hour with nothing to do and i am sent 3 requests five minutes before i am supposed to leave. i think they are testing my dedication...but that's all part of the promotion i just got. woo hoo!

the final bathroom update

2008-09-04T18:15:00.002-04:00

today, to my disbelief, i find the bathroom and my room painted AND THEY ACTUALLY MATCHED THE COLORS I HAD PAINTED THE ROOMS. this is just a miracle. and the ceiling is back. i guess sylvia is once again tucked away...at least until the replaced pipe bursts. she was a fucking boring ghost anyways. every once in a while i would get a chill, but she never knocked anything over or turned on an appliance. sylvia sucks.

oh andy (character # 1)

2008-09-03T18:49:00.002-04:00

here's a little story about a man named andy. it's going to get wordy and long-winded but just bear with me because the bit that inspired this whole post will be worth it.

andy-skinny, lanky, weird old man (probably around 65-70 years old...although he is one of those people that you don't really know if he's that wrinkly because of age or because of all the shit he has put his body through) who loves to sing karaoke. he frequents my favorite bar on karaoke nights, which is how we met. he sings HORRIBLY. and i am not just being mean, he really sounds like a dog that was given the ability to speak but also has down syndrome and has never heard a song before in his life. it's hard to listen to. but he loves it, so i always cheer him on because i figure that when i am that age, if i get my kicks from going and singing karaoke and sounding like death on a stage then i should be able to do so.

i would say for about the past 5 months, since andy made his first appearance, he has become a karaoke regular. and even more recently, he has started trying to bridge the gap between the karaoke room and the bar room (where i usually am) and befriend me. and after last night's interaction i had the harsh realization that i should have set boundaries at the start of this transition, because now i am just screwed. so i either have to be really mean to a really crazy harmless old man, or deal with his antics and bizarre attempts to make conversation.

it all started when he approached me at the bar one night and ran down a verbal list of all the bars in the charlotte-metro area that have karaoke and on what nights and at what times. i was like, well, um, i just come here because it's my favorite bar...it has nothing to do with the karaoke. this was the moment that i realized that this IS andy's life. so be it. let him wander around the streets of charlotte bouncing from dark lounge to dusty dive to get his karaoke kicks. it gives him purpose. i get it. but that was just the start.

there are two girls who host karaoke:
joanna-i went to college with her, she is hilarious and beautiful and nutty and always fun to be around. oh, and she has a kick ass voice
natalie-a girl who became a karaoke groupie and eventually started hosting on nights that joanna had better things to do (and since sane folks don't base their lives around karaoke, this is often)

andy comes up to me at the bar thursday at around 8:30 and asks me who is hosting that night. i am in the middle of watching a football game and if there is one thing everyone should know about me, it's that you should NEVER, EVER interrupt me in the middle of a game to ask my ANYTHING, much less some stupid shit about karaoke. so i look at him and i am like, "i have no idea, i am not here for karaoke, and it doesn't start for another 2 hours anyways". why the hell does he think i know? what i wanted to say (and i can't believe i had the capability of refraining) was, "just because i randomly sing a song once a month because i am shit-canned and joanna comes to the bar and asks me to sing doesn't mean that i base my life around the karaoke scene". okay...but so he continues to talk. and he talks about who he prefers to host karaoke and why...and it's all just nonsense. according to him natalie is more "natural". okay, natalie does have long hair and doesn't wear any makeup...but is that what he meant by "natural"? no...he meant that she's a natural when it comes to hosting karaoke, like it's right up there with pitching a no hitter. he tells me that no one likes the songs that joanna sings and natalie sings what the kids want to hear. oh really? so YOU are the knowledgeable one when it comes to what kids want to hear. right. i am sitting there watching the football game while he is talking to the side of my head. then he assures me that he will be back for karaoke, and i assure him that i don't give a fuck about anything but the football game.

so that was last week. last night he shows up and is sitting at the other end of the bar. i am kinda confused that he is even there because it's not karaoke night. i think that i am actually going to get by without him coming to talk to me...oh, but that would be too perfect. he approaches and says, "i don't know if i will be here thursday night", to which i respond, "well, i won't be here thursday night and if i am it won't be to sing karaoke". wouldn't any normal person realize that this means that i don't give a fuck what the fuck you are doing on thursday night and i am not interested in entertaining you with pointless karaoke banter? but we're talking about andy here.

he says, "i feel like i am getting a cold", and i abruptly respond with, "well then get the fuck outta my face". then the story changes...from this point it's just andy talking and me staring into space like i don't know whether or not to throw up or just run far, far away from this crazy man. he continues, "well, i don't really think it's a cold as much as it is bacteria. you know like if you forget to brush your teeth for a couple of days and then eat onions? that happened to me and then i went to wendy's and ordered a hamburger and it had onions on it, so now i just have this weird thing going on in my throat..." and this is when i could no longer hear the words coming out of his mouth. no andy, i DON'T know what it's like to forget to brush my teeth for a few days and then eat onions and then feel like i have bacteria in my throat. fucking gross. seriously. furthermore, you sound like shit any fucking way, what the hell difference does it make if you have some type of throat ailment?

when i tuned back in after my brain going ape shit during his continued rambling, i realized he had now moved on to talk shit about the ACC and what everybody is doing wrong. look, why don't you take some time to concentrate on your fucking personal hygiene and leave play-calling and karaoke-singing to the able-minded. fucking christ.

my dad, ducks, and a dirty pool

2008-09-03T18:40:00.002-04:00

i was just thinking the other day that it's been a while since i had a crazy dream. i guess through that thought process i directed my subconscious to be a little more in tune with my conscious, because the past few days i have had some really vivid dreams. and the one last night was weird. a lot of shit happened before this, maybe it will come back to me, but i remember me and my dad being by a pool...it was our pool but not the one we had at the house we lived in when i was growing up. so who knows what this pool was about. anyways, the pool was filthy and my dad told me that no one ever swims in it so he was going to stop paying for someone to come clean it all the time. so i got pissed and was like, "well i am swimming in it". so i jumped in and was squirming around trying to dodge dead bugs and dead frogs and other nastiness. he handed me one of the skimmers and jumped in with the other one, and we started cleaning the pool. i drifted to the other end and i felt something touch my back and i turned around and it was a dead bird. i started screaming and squealing like i was watching my puppy get thrown into a blender. my dad was like, "what the hell is wrong with you???" and i started crying hysterically about the dead bird. i was trying to swim away from it but i couldn't. my dad swims over and says that it's not dead and i think that he is crazy. he nudges it and up pops a beautiful shiny mallard duck...and suddenly i am in a pool with 8 miniature mallard ducks. they are all quacking and swimming around like they are my freakin playmates or some shit. then my dad was gone and i had no idea where the fuck i was. the next thing i know i am at old navy buying MILK. yes, milk...at old navy. and i saw some guy that i haven't seen since high school and he was in a wheelchair. i am sure that would have gone somewhere interesting but i was woken up by a huge refrigerated truck that delivers shit to the bagel place next door. god i am sick of living uptown. maybe i should move somewhere with a pool.

el bano update (one too many) part 8

2008-09-03T18:35:00.003-04:00

okay, they have patched the wall. the ceiling...still non-existent. and they left a note that said, "will paint 9/4". okay...but you see...i have painted the bathroom a wonderful dark brown to go with my 70's inspired shower curtain. you aren't going to match the wall color, so why bother. i think a better note to leave would have been, "will patch the ceiling 9/4". and onto my bedroom. there was a hole about 10 inches in diameter. was it necessary to replaster the entire lower half of the corner of my room? because you see, in there i painted the walls a wonderful shade of green...and now it's going to be white. ew.

el bano update part 7

2008-09-02T17:40:00.003-04:00

okay...you know, this was kinda all in fun, but now i am starting to get fucking pissed.

saturday morning i see the property manager outside when i about to head out of town. he says that they have fixed the leak and now all they have to do is fix the ceiling. great.

sunday night, after a weekend of complete disaster (my team lost, i made enemies with several people at the bar, i woke up sunday face-planted on a bed with no sheets, no pillow, no blanket, just cat dander...i am allergic to cats...drove 3 hours back to charlotte at 7 am while i was supposed to be at the beach for a friend's bday) i was laying on an air mattress in my living room for a movie marathon. seriously...my roommate and i laid around for hours and watched show after show and movie after movie. then there is a knock on the door at 11 pm. you have to have a key to enter our building, so there is never a random knock on the door. well, it's the bitch downstairs requesting that we don't use our bathroom sink because all of the water is flowing into her bathroom. fine.

yesterday no word from anyone.

and today i come home to this shit.

yeah...so know they just knocked the whole wall out. and that's fine...do what you have to do...but did you really need to involve my bedroom??????????? apparently so because the hole goes through to my bedroom. and instead of going into my room, moving my dresser, THEN beating through to the other side of the wall, they just left my dresser there, let everything that sits on top of it fall to the floor, and then let my room become covered in a nice layer of plaster. fucking assholes.

drops of brain matter

2008-08-29T17:27:00.002-04:00

i am so fucking stoked that college football season has kicked off. my team (clemson) will be up against alabama tomorrow night at 8 pm. pull for the tigers please. if they lose i will probably cry in public and then proceed to drown out my sorrows with a ridiculous amount of tequila and/or vodka. do it for the sake of my brain people.

john mccain is still a douche, and now, even more of a douche. his efforts to pull in those hopeful for a female in office (so the crazy feminazis) will fail. why the hell would anyone want a woman who was the mayor of a town of 9,ooo to be the vp? he sucks.

also on the topic of politics: i don't cry a lot, several speeches this week moistened my eyeballs just a tad. vote for obama. i really don't want to have to move out of the country.

i am tired. and that's all you get today...boring, i know.