Save The Marriage

Four "You's" Could Save Your Marriage

2009-06-19T10:56:00.003-04:00

Just a couple weeks ago, one of my clients gave me a bit of business advice that's been directly applicable to saving a marriage. I wanted to share it with you.

My client, who is a businessperson, was telling me that there are four important "you's" that are crucial for a business. They are crucial for any relationship. And they can be used in your marriage, starting today.

Here are the four "you's:"
1. "How are you?"
2. "What can I do for you?"
3. "Thank you."
4. "I appreciate/love you."

Those are the crucial four "you's." Do you see the power in them? Do you see how you could use them in your marriage? Do you see how those are not happening in your relationship?

What would happen, if you don't already do this, to have a conversation in the evening about how your spouse is doing? I don't mean the quick "how are you?" I mean really wondering how your spouse is doing. I mean sitting on the back porch and asking how your spouse is really doing. How often does this happen for you? If you're like most people, especially with troubled relationship, that conversation did not happen.

Or, what about asking what you can do for your spouse? Oftentimes, when relationships get into trouble, couples instinctively stop doing for each other. In good times, you may ask about what your spouse might like, what you could do for him or her. But when things get tough, the question often falls by the wayside. We start thinking "if you don't do for me, I won't do for you."

Yet that is exactly what might get the relationship moving forward. When one spouse makes some forward motion toward the other spouse, often he or she responds in a similar manner. It might not happen the first time, but that does not mean you don't do it again. In fact, you keep doing this one. As long as it takes!

Or how about. "Thank you?" Again, when the relationship is not well, this is something that we often stop saying. In fact, we stop even noticing that our spouse is doing doing anything for us. That only compounds the problem. When we stop noticing, people stop acting. So, in addition to doing for your spouse, look for what your spouse is doing for you. Then thank him or her.

The final "you" is about letting your spouse know that you appreciate him or her. You may not be ready to use the word "love" at this point, but can you let your spouse know what you appreciate about him or her? When marriages get into trouble, one thing that happens is that we feel completely unappreciated. We start acting in ways that continue that. In other words, if I don't feel appreciated, don't do anything to be appreciated. So, this one is letting someone know that they are appreciated.

By letting someone know this, the other person might begin to act in more appreciative and appreciable ways. At the very least, he or she will know that you are noticing what he or she is doing.

Many marriages could be saved simply if the other person felt appreciated and loved. The four questions can easily move you in that direction. Make it your habit to use these questions.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Marriage Is Tough

2009-06-12T14:33:00.001-04:00

"Marriage shouldn't be that hard." That was the opening comment of my client this week. He was convinced that his marriage was doomed. He believe it was because his marriage had become difficult. He believed that this should not be the case.

I had to chuckle. Marriage is the most intense relationship that any two adults will have in their life. There's no way around it. Two people living together that intensely, making decisions together, having sex together, making decisions together, and doing everything else that married couple do are going to have difficulties. No way around it.

I turned to him and said "why do you say that?" He told me he just figured that marriages should just work. They shouldn't be hard work, and when there are problems, they should just be able to be solved instantly. Now, I don't generally laugh at my client, but it was all I could do to hold back the laughter, and only let out a chuckle. "You have got to be kidding," I said. "Marriage is tough, whether it is in good times or bad, marriage is tough."

I continued on for a second, "every single marriage has problems, the question is whether you work through them out or not. It is not a question of whether you will have problems." You see, I really believe that every marriage is destined to have difficulty. That is just the way it is. Statistically speaking, half of those couples will choose not to work on their problems. About half will find a way to deal with the problems. That does not mean that there were no problems, only that they discovered how to deal with the problem.

"Come with me," I said my client. I walked my client to the window. We looked out onto the parking lot. I pointed to car and said "is that yours?" "Yes," he said, "that's my car. Looks pretty nice doesn't it?" I had to admit, it with a pretty nice car. It looked like it was well taken care of. I asked, "did you just grab the car, or did you do some research? Did you, when you were getting ready to buy it, maybe buy a car magazine? Did you look up the price on the Internet, maybe even did you research on what other people thought about the car?"

"Yes, I sure did! I spent months looking at my options. I probably went to the dealer like 10 times." He chuckled, "my wife was tired of hearing about that car." So then I asked, "have you had any problems with the car?" My client thought for a second. "Well, yes. It made some funny noises."

"What did you do?" I asked. He responded, "first, I looked it up on the Internet. Then, I bought a book about the model of car I had. I found out that it was a fairly common problem, and it only needed a little bit of tightening of a couple of bolts to stop it." I continued, "and did you do it yourself? Or did you take it to the dealer?"

"I took it to the dealer. They are the experts on this." "So, you didn't sell the car?" I pushed him. "No. It was just a little problem." I pushed a little harder, "I'll bet you would have had bigger problems if you hadn't fixed it, and let it go on and on."

"Probably so... Doc, is this about my car or about my marriage?" He had me. He knew I was really talking about his marriage. "How long have you been having problems?" I asked. He thought for a second, then said, "probably four or five years. But we had some of the same problems even before we got married."

"Did you get a book about marriage? Did you talk to a therapist? Did you go to a seminar? Did you do anything that might address the issues?" I asked. I knew I had him. Just like most people, he had a problem in his relationship, but he didn't seek good advice. In fact, as far as I can tell, the only people he talked to were his drinking buddies. Not the best place to go for marriage advice.

Marriage is tough. It's tough because it requires us to set ourselves and our ego aside for the betterment of both of us. In other words, we have to get outside of ourselves, and look at the greater good of both people. That does not mean that one person has to give up everything. But it does mean that it takes looking at the good of the relationship when making decisions.

Someone once said, "You can either be right. Or you can be happy, but you can't be both." This is especially true in marriage. If you insist on being right, you both will be miserable. Choose to be happy. And when there is a problem, recognize that is normal, then seek out some help in resolving it.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Overwhelmed by Conflicting Advice???

2009-06-02T19:13:00.002-04:00

I just received a letter from someone with a great deal at stake: her marriage! Is that a similar situation for you?

Her question was this: she had acted on some advice in other sources, and now she wanted me to help her "mop up the mess!" And what a mess it was. She got the advice from several big "marriage saving" websites. Only problem was, it had made matters worse -- MUCH worse!

First, she had gotten some advice to use reverse psychology. Her husband asked for a divorce, so instead of working to shift that, she gave him what he said he wanted. Reverse psychology is to state or suggest the opposite of what you want, assuming the other person will go in the direction you really want.

Imagine saying to a child, "eat your veggies." That is direct, and the child may refuse. That could lead to a stand-off. Reverse psychology would be: "Susie, no matter what, don't eat any of those veggies. Don't even taste them!" Turn your back, and little Susie is scarfing down those veggies!

This may work, at least a couple of times, with a child. It rarely works on adults. More than that, what happened in the particular case I mentioned? She ended up divorced! Tought to save a marriage when you are handing over a divorce!

Strangely, there started to be some conversation and contact as the divorce process went through. So this woman got some more "advice" from the internet. This was supposed to work magic on bringing someone back. In it, you make the other person jealous, make them miss you. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," you might say.

So, the person writing me said she told her husband that there would be no contact for 30 days. This was bewildering to him. But instead of "driving him wild" to be back with her, he decided that she really didn't want anything to do with him. With that, he began to date others.

With two pieces of careless advice, my client granted a divorce and stopped all contact -- ALL IN THE NAME OF SAVING A MARRIAGE!

The moral of this story: never, ever, ever resort to manipulation or trying to make a spouse jealous as a route to marital bliss. Manipulation backfires. In the end, both methods were manipulation. So, if you look at a piece of information and think "that really doesn't sound right to me" or "that is really not my morals," don't choke it down and say "but I guess I'll try it anyway!" Hold onto your commonsense, even in the midst of a crisis!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Why Do We Drive Each Other Crazy?

2009-05-20T09:55:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I had the opportunity of talking with a couple that I may never see again. The reason I will never see them again is because they are not ready to make a change.

You see, they were caught in "ME mode."What I mean by that is they were not even able to see outside of themselves. They were not able to see how they were getting in the way of the relationship. Each one pointing the finger at the other. In fact, every conversation quickly went back to "what's wrong with you."

I couldn't see how they could make any changes because they were so caught up in seeing why the other person was wrong. They were never able to see why they were wrong. What a catastrophe! I couldn't believe that we couldn't go even 30 seconds without one pointing the finger at the other end telling me how right he or she was and how wrong the other person was!

You see, even therapist get frustrated sometimes! I played referee for an entire hour! At the end of the time, I suggested that each one needed to decide whether they wanted to really make any changes, or just point out the faults of the other person.

Sadly, this couple could probably fix their marriage with little effort... IF they were willing to see that each one had fault. I just needed a little room. I didn't need any major changes. All that needed to happen was for one or the other to decide that it was not just the other person's fault.

So why do we drive each other crazy? Why are marriages so difficult? Because we are rarely honest with our spouse. More than that, we are rarely honest with ourselves. Over time, everyone of us builds up resentments. Over time, few of us share our resentments. Each one may be very small, but if you add them up, you've created a tinderbox that leads to marital distress, frustration, and ignited of anger.

I am not suggesting that we have to tell our spouse everything that is on our mind. In fact, that would be quite destructive to the relationship. However, we often refuse to even tell the few things that could make a real difference in our marriage. In this case, the man simply wanted to feel like he was liked. Oddly, his wife did like him. She just didn't express it in ways that he recognized. Tragic!

For her side, she kept waiting for him to tell her exactly what he was upset about. Why didn't he? Because in his family, the rule of thumb was to not fight, not argue, and not tell what you wanted. Her family? They fought it out, argued it out, and told you exactly what they wanted.

Two different families, two different roles. And spouses the didn't talk about it. In fact, didn't even recognize it. Now, a marriage is about to end because both people think they are correct, and are definite that the other is wrong.

My advice? First, couples need to get in the habit of talking about the little difficulties. We wait until they build up, they suddenly become very personal, very painful, and almost always intractable.

Second, we humans are a lot like animals. At least in how we train each other. If behavior gives us something that we want, we keep doing it! For example, my dog is one big Labrador retriever. His head can easily rest on our table. Every now and then, my son lets a piece of cereal fall out of his bowl and onto his placemat. It only took a couple of times for my dog to realize that he got a treat as soon as my son left the table. Now, it is very hard to keep my dog away from the table.

When we humans get rewarded for "bad behavior," in other words, when our painful actions towards others gets rewarded, we tend to repeat the behavior, even if it hurts the other person. In fact, we often fail to see that it hurts the other person.

Couples train each other in what behavior works and what behavior doesn't work. Be careful in how you train your spouse. For example, with the couple I saw yesterday, when she pouted, he came to the rescue. But the difference between pouting and looking angry is very slight. Over time, her pout began to look like anger to him. From then on, she was pouting for attention, and he was feeling rejected.

Would either believe me if I told them about this? After about an hour of trying to convince them, I can tell you that neither one will believe what I'm saying. They have already made up their minds.

Third, one thing that is often missing in a marriage is our attempt to not just understand but to accept our spouse. All of us have our faults, and when we forget that, our spouse has a hard time living up to our expectations. Suddenly, all we can see are their faults.

So, the threat is in expecting perfection in our spouse, or seeing only fault. So here's the conundrum: we want to be accepted for who we are, but we have a hard time offering that to our spouse. "ME mode"is probably the most destructive pattern in any marriage. When we get caught up in ourselves, we forget the other. Marriage is all about WE. Remember that, and you have increased the likelihood of success in your marriage a hundredfold.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

What Feeds An Extramarital Infatuation?

2009-04-24T10:20:00.002-04:00

Yet another person sitting in my office, trying to explain why his marriage was doomed for failure, and his "new love" was right!

"Greg" is a good guy. He is successful, nice, well spoken. . . by all external accounts, he's got it all. His wife of 18 years stays home and raises their two kids. Who would know that Greg is ready to "chuck it all," as he told me?

You see, part of Greg's job requires him to travel internationally. He loves the new places he gets to see, and for years, that has been the extent of his travels. But last year, Greg spent a good deal of time in Spain.

While there, he met someone. He didn't mean to, but he did. They were working together and really hit it off. At first, she just offered to show him the sites of her town. Those afternoon trips eventually led to evening dinners. Soon, Greg was spending weekends touring Spain, but with his new "friend." Eventually, they "crossed the line," to use his euphemism. I would argue that a line was crossed WAY before then!

Now, Greg has a problem. He is back in the states, but his "heart is in Spain," to tell it like he does. He finds himself thinking about this other person constantly. He told me "I hate to call it love, but that's what it feels like."

I don't call it love. I call it infatuation. And Greg has fallen into a trap. It is a trap that is insipid and dangerous.

Affairs don't just happen. And contrary to what some claim, it is not "just about the sex." It is about the emotional and physical charge that is a part of infatuation.

I honestly don't know if Greg's marriage will survive this, not because it couldn't but because Greg is lying to himself. . . and he doesn't even know it!

Our brain plays tricks on us, and Greg's is fooling him. We like to have everything "make sense," even if from the outside, there is no sense to it. We like to find evidence that supports what we are doing. Social psychologists tell us that we, as humans, do not tolerate "cognitive dissonance" very well.

Cognitive dissonance is when we try to hold two mutually exclusive ideas in our heads at the same time. For example, pretty much everyone knows that smoking is bad for you. But people still smoke. A smoker has to hold two ideas, "smoking is bad" and "I like to smoke" in their head at the same time. To do this, smokers have to rationalize, look for "confirmation bias" (some piece of information that makes it OK, thank you Tobacco Industry!), or some other way of justification.

Greg is no different. His cognitive dissonance? "I am married," and "I like this other person." How will he solve this? Well, like many others who have been unfaithful, Greg relies on two justifications at the same time: "idealization" and "demonization/devaluation."

First, idealization. Greg is idealizing this other person. Fact is, he is alone, in a beautiful and romantic location, and has no emotional baggage with this other person. That is a setup for problems. If nothing else, reality TV has demonstrated that strong feelings of attraction can be generated between people, given the right location and circumstances.

And Greg got sucked right into that one! He has idealized the other person so much that he has constructed an unrealistic picture of what life would be like with her. A life of sightseeing, sex in hotels, and seeing each other only at their best is not real life. It is not being tired after work, dealing with children, paying bills, seeing the mess someone leaves in the bathroom, or any other real encounter.

So, Greg has idealized this other person. He admits that. But it is harder to see that he as demonized and devalued his wife. Sure, they have disagreements. Welcome to 100% of married couples! But Greg has forgotten that. He now sees the disagreements of proof-positive that they are not meant for each other. Greg's wife doesn't meet all his needs. Again, welcome to marriage! But Greg takes the next step and begins to only see the faults. He fails to see the love his wife does show. He forgets about all the ways they have woven their lives together.

Once both sides are activated, idealization and demonization, recovering a marriage is very difficult. It requires complete and total cut-off from the other person (infatuation does go away). It also requires being open to seeing the love and connection that really are there.

Most of all, it requires commitment to work through the issues. That is what I am waiting for. Will Greg "step up to the plate" and honor his commitment, or will he continue to fool himself? Time will tell.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Revive To Thrive: New Video

2009-04-20T16:03:00.004-04:00

Been following my information on building a thriving marriage? Well, the third video is now up. Again, no obligation or requirements. Just good information to help you discover what keeps you from having a thriving marriage. . . and what to do about it!

Take a look at the video HERE!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Core Beliefs: Why We Struggle To Change

2009-04-09T09:25:00.002-04:00

Did you see my earlier post about my free video on changing your marriage by addressing your core beliefs? Well, that video created so much email that I made a second video. You can see the free marriage video here.

Here is an email I got yesterday (just one of about 100) about the video:

You wanted feedback? Well here is some:

My marriage has been in a state of crisis for almost a year, and I am trying to put it back together with a psychologist, who is copied.

I think your videos are freakin' GREAT. I am an architect and I make decisions about how developers should spend millions of dollars based on building codes, market conditions, aesthetics, engineering considerations, etc., and I think I know a lot. But these videos are truly eye-opening, and may help me save my marriage, and the futures of 4 innocent young girls. Keep up the great work!

That was from Phil S.

Take a look! No obligation, no signup. Just go here and it will load and play.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

I'm Back From Paradise!

2009-04-06T11:37:00.003-04:00

OK, this post is more personal and less topical. You see, last week I spent a week away from the computer with my family. Being on the internet is an "everyday thing," and for the past 7 years, my family has endured me carting my computer wherever we went.

That changed last week! We went on a cruise. And yes, the internet was available, but I a)didn't want it, and b)didn't want to pay for it. So, last week, we floated through the tropics, sans-internet! It was delightful. Let me show you a picture of Cozumel.

The ocean was beautiful, the temperatures were warm, and being with family was wonderful! We only had two days in-port. One day was in Progresso, Yucatan. We got to tour the oldest Mayan ruins in that area, Dzibilchaltún. Amazing! My son took a swim in the Ceynote there.

The next day, my son, my daughter and I went Scuba diving in Cozumel. Normally, I am stuck in North Carolina coastal or Florida panhandle waters. Not that I am complaining, but it doesn't compare! We had +250 feet of visability! It was like swimming in a saltwater aquarium. Beautiful fish, and wonderful hosts. In case you are interested, we dove with Sand Dollar Sports! Excellent staff.

On either side of that, we had a day at sea. Not much to do but relax and hang out. It was quite a week of rest and fun for the family.

Thanks for letting me reminisce for a moment, as I am now shivering in near-freezing temps, waiting for some snowshowers!

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Marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Stop Reviving, Start Thriving: The Video

2009-03-10T15:03:00.003-04:00

So, this is the place to let me know what you think about the video! Any suggestions, disagreements, kudos? Just comment!

If you haven't seen the video, you can do so by CLICKING HERE!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!

2009-03-04T12:02:00.002-05:00

Here is my Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage! This is a partial list of the mistakes I see people make when they want to save their marriage. Sometimes, it is best to learn from others' mistakes, rather than make it yourself.

10) Do nothing! Don't worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident, threat, etc.) will pass!

Ah, the old "bury your head in the sand approach!" The reality is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let's be honest: over time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down inside, that you ignored things way too long.

It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one "precipitating event" that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally creates so much frustration that the "house of cards" falls.

So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!

9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!

When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to "figure it out!" One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein, "the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the problem." In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.

We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don't change much. Think about it: don't all of your spousal arguments basically follow the same pattern. Doesn't your daily routine pretty much go the same? We like "sameness," and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful sameness is better than the unknown -- at least that's what we tend to believe.

Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.

8) Grab some "free advice!" Hey, free is good, right?

Almost always, free advice is worth about that -- nothing! When you are injured, do you seek out some "free advice" on that injury? Or when you need some legal advice, do you just get some "free advice?"

So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a "transaction society." We make trades and transactions to get what we don't have. And knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away anything worthwhile.

The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.

And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day, a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.

It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.

7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse will at least think you are doing something!

We authors don't like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of 80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.

Then, onto the bedside stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.

The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You've already invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?

6) Read the information, but then don't do anything! It won't work in your situation, anyway!

OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy, too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!

What you've been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So, perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign, unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible seems elementary.

Again, remember Einstein's quote. Doing what you've done hasn't gotten you what you want. What's the risk of trying something different?

5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is better than no information. . . right?

As you have already discovered, there are lots of "experts" willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your "expert" is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually have some training, not just their own experience! They don't have to have a Ph.D., but if they can't tell you about their training, other than "been there, done that," move on!

Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.

Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the "doctors?" They weren't trained, caused lots of damage, but that was the only choice. Well, we don't live in the "wild West" anymore, and there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of well-meaning but ill-equiped "experts."

4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . . right?

Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one day someone wakes up and says "enough." Then the other person jumps into high gear! They try to make "date nights," meaningful conversations, do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!

Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the "everything at once" approach, you will scare your spouse away.

3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see your sincerity to save the marriage!

This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master "scriptwriters," often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.

If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in the belief.

So the arguing, "reasoning," begging and pleading have the opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.

2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their "issue." Then they will see how unhealthy they are!

Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.

You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one's self.

1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed will get them to stay!

Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants is to feel manipulated.

I've seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person who wants out says "see?" It's hard to argue with that. Being needy is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than to not be needed.

Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake possible.

My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There is little more noble or heroic in today's society than trying to hold a relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not harmful ways.

So, what are your list? In other words, what mistakes have you made in your efforts to save your marriage?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Top Ten Reasons To Go Ahead And Divorce (NOT!)

2009-03-02T09:56:00.002-05:00

Divorce. A big word and a big decision. One that many take too lightly. After 2 decades working to stop divorces, I have heard all the reasons people give -- really the justifications. So here is my Top 10 List!

10) This just isn't fun anymore!

Reality Check: "Fun" isn't really what it is about, is it? There is no promise that times will be fun. In fact, I think the real question is "what can you learn from these tough times?"

Did you ever think about quitting that "parenting gig" because it wasn't fun? OK, maybe in a fantasy, but not seriously. Or how about school? Did you stick with it to get where you wanted to?

Marriage can be tough. But for couples that actually work on making their marriage better, the tough times fall away. There will always be tough spots, but couples learn to better manage them -- if they focus on improving the relationship.

9) He/She changed!

Reality Check: Thank goodness! We all change. Sometimes, the changes are more popular with those around us. Sometimes, we forget that we changed, too. In fact, what we really missed is that we change each other. The fact that change happened, that is part of the deal. Talking about the changes, good and bad, that is the sign of health and growth.

8) That toothpast, toilet seat, (fill in the blank) drives me crazy!

Reality Check: We all do things that drive others crazy. Marriage puts us into close proximity to those idiosyncracies -- and therefore much more into the "crazy zone." But really, is there no way around that? How about 2 tubes of toothpaste? How about figuring out a way around those issues? Are they really that big?

Oh, and isn't it nice to be accepted for ourselves, crazy habits and all? It amazes me how often people want to be accepted, but forget that the other person really wants to be accepted, too! Work to accept, rather than judge.

7) We don't have anything in common.

Reality Check: First, this can be changed. Any two people should be able to find SOMETHING in common. We are really all more alike than different. So look for the commonalities, not the differences.

Then, seek out some places of connection: vacation destinations (perhaps not your first choice, but still fun), hobbies, food styles. . . maybe the kids??? Really, I am just suggesting a shift in outlook, not necessarily a shift in anything else. I can either look for how my wife is different than me, or how we have commonalities. The choice is mine. . . if I choose it.

6) Our finances are driving me crazy!

Reality Check: The most commonly reported reason for marital discord is money. That is the symptom. The real issue is power: who controls the money, what priorities get funded, etc. Money is merely a tool. Use it to further life together.

Whenever power is an issue, the true connection of marriage hasn't happened. So, time to shift the focus back to connection and away from money.

BIG Reality Check: Think you are fighting about money now? You haven't seen anything, yet! Divorces attorneys ask for a retainer, usually $3 to $5K. That, my friend, is a downpayment! Double that, since there are two attorneys involved. Then double or triple it. The average divorce in America costs $20,000. Think you can do it for less? So have MANY others. Few succeed.

Oh, then you need to factor in the drop in your retirement to 1/2 of what it is. Then factor in the cost of maintaining 2 households. There is only one financial winner in a divorce: the attorneys.

5) The kids shouldn't see us fighting!

Reality Check: Agreed! It is very unhealthy for children to grow up in conflicted homes. The constant stress creates a much higher diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder, clinical depression, and anxiety. Quite a price to pay!

But there is that other option of working on your marriage and making it a happy one! You may be teaching your child an important lesson: you don't have to quit. Sometimes, you can work through tough times and come out better.

4) It won't harm the kids!

Reality Check: This one fails the research, big time! At one point, some research indicated that children are not affected by divorce. That research has been shown to be flawed. No serious research shows children unaffected.

Think about it, you are tearing away everything a child knows as safety. Even if it has been conflicted, the family is still where a child finds security. Their entire world is turned upside down by divorce. How could that NOT affect them?

Would they recover? Sure, they will move forward. But the scars are permanent and lifelong. Don't be fooled by those who quote bad research to justify the whole divorce industry.

3) We don't love each other!

Reality Check: This usually means that the feelings of passion and attraction are missing. No surprise, since the majority of marriages do not nurture the relationship. If I quit exercising, become sedentary for a few years, then look down and am surprised to see little muscle and lots of fat, it would be wrong to use that as proof to not exercise! It is just a reality I have created by not taking care of myself.

The real answer is to get with a program of exercise. In marriage, it becomes about becoming intentional about nurturing the relationship. Will it be easy? No. Ever started an exercise program after being sedentary? Did you get sore? Did that mean you should stop?

The obvious answer is the soreness comes from the muscles not being used to the exercise, and the real solution is to keep exercising. Now, I can't just jump in and run 20 miles after doing nothing. I have to build up. Same in a relationship. You start slowly and build up. . . and the feelings will return!

2) I didn't sign up for this!

Reality Check: Likely, you did! Remember this?:
"For richer or poorer"
"In good times and bad"
"In sickness and health"

Not much left there, is it? Broke? Covered. Chronic or even terminal illness? Covered. Lots of tough days, no fun, no talking, lots of tension? Covered.

So are the up times -- days of plenty, health and fun. We get too caught up in the negative times and lose our focus. A marriage vow is for life, and works when the relationship is nurtured (notice a common theme here?).

1) (Fill in with your reason)!

Reality Check: (Fill in with your own thoughts)

This is the most important to think about and evaluate, because it is your's, the reason you are here. Challenge yourself. Think about your reasons, and see if you have built it up into fiction.

Final Word:

There are so many reasons people list for "having to divorce." Most are fictional, just plain inaccurate. They are reasons we use to justify our decisions. But there are two reasons I find justifiable.

First, I do not think abusive relationships should be addressed by the abused. Abusive relationships are always about imbalances in power. But more than that, abuse usually escalates and sometimes becomes life-threatening. Safety outweighs working on the marriage.

Second, I believe that people who are involved in several affairs have a deeper issue that must be addressed before the marriage is addressed. In other words, if someone has had multiple affairs, he or she is unwilling to live within the marriage and the spouse must accept this reality, often by enforcing her or his boundaries -- leaving the relationship.

Finally, if there is an addiction involved, this must first be addressed before anything can be addressed within the marriage. Otherwise, it will be a practice in a) futility and b) blame-shifting -- the issue centers on the marriage, not on the addiction.

Other than those issues, I believe that marriages can be saved, divorce can be avoided. Healing is possible and connection is the result.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

We Create What We Believe!

2009-02-17T13:54:00.003-05:00

Wow! What a morning! It really brought my understandings into focus. I met with three couples in three hours, all with the same basic problem: they were creating what they believed.

If you follow my work, you know that a central belief I hold is that we all have a paradigm, an understanding of the world. This paradigm helps us make sense of the world. We notice occasions and circumstances that validate our world, and we ignore occasions and circumstances that challenge our beliefs.

Now, I will take it one step further: we create our world to match our beliefs! We take an active role in making the world validate our beliefs. Believe you are unlovable? You will end up living your life in a way that causes you to be treated unlovably. More specifically, you will interpret events you create as proving you are unlovable.

I say the last sentence, because the person(s) making you feel unlovable are somehow living out their beliefs, too -- causing you to validate their beliefs. This is powerful stuff! You can begin to understand your beliefs, then begin to see how you interpret others' actions as validators of your beliefs.

This is not a claim that we purposely, consciously weave reality. Nor do I even think it is actually weaving and creating reality. Instead, it is on a deep, unconscious level. And it is about how we create and interpret the situations.

What do you believe? It is easy to see. Just look around you. You live in a world that reflects your beliefs.

More later.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Valentine's Day: A Dangerous Idea?

2009-02-14T15:21:00.002-05:00

Today is February 14th, Valentine's Day for many (but not all) countries. The date originally commemorated a Catholic priest who was imprisoned for continuing to marry people, in spite of the emperor's demands that there be no marriages (which limited those willing to be in the military).

Father Valentine continued to marry couples, quite a social disobedience, and one that was all about peace and love.

Fast forward a millennium, and we find ourselves today, worshiping romance and passion. Now, understand I have nothing against romance and passion. But I do have a problem in how we have elevated these feelings as the PRIMARY feelings of love.

Love is not romance and passion. Love is a verb, an action. It is committing to acting and being loving toward someone, regardless of how we feel. Jesus is reported to say "Love your enemies." Most other religions have some similar commandment. And the definition of love is the issue. It is not a commandment to feeling warm and loving, but to act in loving ways.

Marriage is an agreement to make it through life, even when life gets tough and the relationship gets tougher, and to act lovingly. It is not an agreement to feel an endless amount of passion and romance. As one person told me recently, "life is not just one long, candlelit dinner."

It isn't possible. Those feelings are not sustainable. They ebb and flow. But when we judge the relationship based on whether the feelings are present or not, we are in for a letdown when the feelings are missing.

No, marriage is NOT about feeling passion and romance throughout life. It is deciding to act in loving ways. . .

But here is the thing: when we act in loving ways toward someone, the nice side-effect is we feel the passion and romance.

And I guess that really gets down to my issue. If we pursue passion and romance, we have nowhere to go when we don't feel it. If we pursue acting lovingly, we have control of it, and the passion follows.

This Valentine's Day, let's celebrate the ideal of acting lovingly. Let us challenge the culture and make a decision to act in loving ways, not judging a relationship based on the absence or presence of a fickle emotion.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

The Ice Storm Cometh! (And Taketh. . . Power!)

2009-01-31T11:44:00.003-05:00

The week started like any other. The kids headed out for school on Monday, with a little snow on the ground. I worked on Monday, writing and consulting. Then Monday night came. And boy, did it come! We awoke Tuesday with ice coming down, well worse than ice -- freezing rain.

The schools canceled classes early in the morning. We had already been awake to find that out. Then, at 7:10am, I heard my cell phone's tone when the charger is disconnected -- except I hadn't unplugged it! Then I heard a series of pops from around the neighborhood. The ice had built up too much on the trees, and the branches were giving way. Then the powerlines were giving way. And now you know: we were in the dark!

There are hundreds of thousands without power. My family is just one of many. So, after thinking it through for a few hours (along with the power company telling everyone that it could be a week to 10 days until the power was restored), we took a few things and moved into my office. Fortunately, my office is located in an old house, so we have basic home furnishings. We are truly fortunate compared to the many that are in shelters.

Our house grows colder and colder. The days grow longer and longer. It was just a few short months ago that we lost power for 8 days when the remnants of Hurricane Ike came through town.

So, my daughter decided that maybe God was trying to teach us a lesson (don't we all wonder when we are having tough times?). My wife said immediately, jokingly (sort of), "Yeah, God's telling us to move!" My thoughtful daughter responded, "No, I think God is telling us we take too much for granted. We should be more grateful for what we have and should be thinking of others less fortunate!" Ah, my wise daughter.

Now, forget whether this is God teaching a lesson. The lesson is still true. We too easily get used to what we have, and take it for granted. Sometimes, tough times can remind us of this.

Tough times in marriage are no different. The struggles often make us appreciate the good times even more. Tough times pass. Tough people move through them.

For all those cold and in the dark, my thoughts and prayers are with you. For all those in difficulties, including marital difficulties, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am thankful for moments that remind me of this (even if I am also hoping for power SOON!).

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

How To Stop An Affair: A Starting Point

2009-01-19T15:49:00.003-05:00

How do you stop an affair? That is a frightening question for anyone in the midst of a marriage threatened by infidelity. Unfortunately, that places you in easily 1/4 of all marriages.

Yep, that's right. The statistics show that 25% of marriages suffer an affair. And to be even more clear, the survey is focused on physical affairs.

The percentage suffering from an emotional affair is much higher. That would tell us that marriages are threatened by infidelity.

The major reason given by those who have affairs? For physical affairs, the reason given is sex. For emotional affairs, the reason given is attention.

In reality, the basis is the same. We all have a need to feel wanted, even desired. Unfortunately, this is one area that tends to fall to the side in marriages. Daily life take over the feelings of romance and passion that usually mark the beginnings of a relationship.

In fact, marriages that keep some energy on passion and connection have a much lower incident of infidelity. The need is met within the marriage.

So, what do you do if there is an affair? How do you stop an affair? Those are tough questions, and this article does not allow enough room to fully cover the issue. Let's look at a few hints and helps.

1) Commit to working on the marriage. commit to staying together. I say "commit" because the feeling of betrayal can be so strong that you may only want to quit.

2) Focus on forgiving. This is a big topic! But to quickly put this in perspective, forgiveness is NOT giving permission. It is not letting someone "off the hook." In fact, forgiveness is not even primarily for the other person. It is for you, so that you do not have to carry the pain around with you.

3) Take a look at where your marriage was before the affair. Had you lost contact with each other? Was the passionate part of your relationship gone? This will tell you what needs to change in order to get back on track.

4) Take responsibility for your role in where the relationship was. This is NOT taking responsibility for your spouse's actions, but for where the marriage was.

To follow up on this, I often hear people say "I thought our marriage was fine. I don't know why it happened." But pushed a little harder, it is possible to find the disconnect, the lack of passion, the seeds of the affair.

Since you cannot control your spouse's behavior, you can't force him or her to stop the affair. But you can work to create a relationship you both would protect and treasure. That is the beginning point of how to stop an affair.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Midlife Crises and Affairs Go Hand-In-Hand

2009-01-16T09:49:00.002-05:00

OK, I know the subject may seem obvious. All the stereotypes of midlife crises include an affair, new car, new job, extreme sports, maybe even plastic surgery!

Too bad because that misses the point of a midlife crisis. A mid life crisis is really about someone seeking meaning in life. Trying to figure out what to do that would bring meaning -- that is the real issue. The reason: we all have a need for meaning in life, and the majority of people don't really know how to find it.

This leads to the midlife marriage crisis. Often, this is made more complicated by an affair. Suddenly, the couple has to figure out how to resolve a midlife crisis and stop an affair. The mess is made worse.

Here's the thing: an affair, sexual or emotional, is not going to help anyone through a midlife crisis. Unfortunately, because the seeking meaning is so hard to define, but the drive is so great, many people find themselves caught in a web of temptation.

It is a sense that the current marriage is not meaningful. But the real issue is that life is not meaningful. Finding meaning in life, not having an affair, is a healthy approach.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Two Feelings Necessary In A Marriage

2009-01-15T08:59:00.003-05:00

There are two essential feelings necessary for a marriage to thrive or even survive. Notice I said feelings, not emotions. I think that word better describes what I am trying to communicate. I feel a certain way. That ties into an emotional response, but is still different.

I note these feelings for you as a way of considering how you are feeling, and to consider how your spouse may be feeling. At this point, I am suggesting these feelings, but am not going to be giving a great deal of answers. That is something I am still working on.

So the two feelings are

Feeling wanted.
Feeling accepted.

Feeling wanted would be in opposition to feeling a) needed or b) unwanted. And feeling accepted is in opposition to feeling rejected (its just that it is not quite so simple as that).

To take these in order: Feeling wanted. With this idea, I am referring to feeling wanted on a number of fronts. Am I wanted sexually? Does the person want to be with me? Does the person want to know me? Does the person want me to do better? These are just a few of the "wants." You can add yours.

The opposite of feeling wanted is feeling unwanted or needed. Both of these feelings destroy a relationship. If I feel unwanted, then I begin to feel undesirable, unlovable, unworthy. This is especially true if it comes from someone I love. Feeling unwanted causes us to question our physical attractiveness, or mental capacity, our spiritual basis. All from a single feeling.

But just as destructive is the feeling of being needed. You see, someone can need me without wanting me. Or the feeling of being needed can lead to fears of losing one's self to the other person. When someone needs me, it pulls at me to meet that person's needs, regardless of what I might want.

What I am not saying: couples do depend on each other. That is the nature of marriage. So the more you weave your life together, the more you functionally rely on each other, and really need each other. But that is different than the feeling of being needed, really of neediness from a spouse.

So, two questions on this one:

Do you feel wanted by your spouse?
Does your spouse feel wanted by you?

Next feeling: the feeling of being accepted. This is one of the most basic emotional needs that we have, to be accepted and loved. While I believe that unconditional love is a goal, not a reality, this is sort of what I am referring to. Does my spouse accept me for who I am?

I am reminded of some wise advice I heard long ago, "when someones 'I could love you if. . .,' they already love you, they just want to change you." Unfortunately, many marriages are built on people making a project out of their spouse. It may start before marriage, or it may start years into a marriage. But most spouses have a "wish list" of changes they would love in a spouse.

In the last week, I have heard about spouses that would be more loved if they: lost weight, got a better job, cleaned better, lasted longer during sex, had more sex, started an interesting hobby, dressed more stylishly, quit drinking, starting exercising, spoke more pleasantly, quit snoring, started going to church, helped more around the house, etc., etc.

Now my point is NOT that we cannot improve ourselves. My point is that when the pressure comes from outside of ourselves, we feel more defeated than empowered and we feel unaccepted (or rejected). When someone wants me to change, my feeling is not of being accepted but of being rejected. I do not feel like I am being helped to change, only that I am not accepted.

What this does NOT mean: we do not have to put up with any behavior, just to accept the other person. I don't have to accept abuse, lying, criminal behavior, infidelity, and any number of other actions. So if we drop out all the "outliers," and go with the more typical, then we are aiming at the same target.

Someone once said, after the husband made it clear that she needed to lose weight, "it's not like I can't see myself in the mirror! He acts like this is some revelation to me!" Fact is, most of us are aware of our shortcomings and imperfections. Having them pointed out is rarely constructive. Feeling accepted and loved, that is what we all need!

So again:

Do you feel accepted?
Does your spouse feel accepted?

Talk to me. Tell me what you think. Am I on target? Would you like to hear more on this subject? Do you disagree? Leave a comment and tell me what you think.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

Why I Work To Save Marriages

2009-01-13T11:16:00.002-05:00

On a daily basis, I get emails that are, well, less than polite. Most demand I give them my product for free, some doubt my sincerity. A few accuse my of being a con. As my wife noted years ago, "you have to have tougher skin than I to do this." And in the years on the internet, I have developed some toughness. Still, at some point, anyone gets tired of emails. I do recognize that people write emails in ways they would never write or communicate otherwise. I take that into account. However, I decided I would be clear about this.

My name is Lee Baucom, and I am here to save marriages. That is it. I am not trying to become a millionaire off of other people's pain. In fact, I live in the same house we have lived in for 10 years. I get up every day and go to work.

So, for anyone thinking that I am some "internet millionaire," sitting on a beach and sipping cool drinks, please tell that to my bank account!

Some have accused me of being an opportunist. That certainly misses the fact that after 4 years of college, I attended almost 9 years of graduate school, along with 6 years of clinical training. My training was all about marriage and family therapy. This is a field I have worked in for almost 20 years.

Why, then, do I do this? Because I believe in marriage. I believe that marriages are the stability of society, the backbone of successful families. Whenever I hear people saying that divorce is not harmful to children, I know they are quoting research. But they fail to note that much of that research has been reexamined and found flawed and incorrect.

How can children not be affected when someone takes everything they have known about love and security, and torn it in half? And since I get to spend my days with people in pain, I hear about that pain on a daily basis.

Long ago, I decided we can either work to heal the deep wounds, or we can be preventative. And fixing marriages, saving a marriage, is preventative. Save a marriage, save a family.

However, I have never believed that you simply stay married to stay married. You stay married and build a marriage that is life-giving, loving, and supportive. It is not enough just to prevent a divorce, which is why I don't call my program Stop The Divorce. I am out to save a marriage, make it something worth treasuring.

So why don't I give away my information for free (actually, I do, with a free marriage ecourse)? Because generally speaking, you get what you pay for. And because there are many, many costs to provide this service (Google sends me a present every Christmas for all the money I pay them for advertising!).

The same people who accuse me of not giving away the information no doubt pay for a doctor's services, an attorney's services, maybe even an accountant's services. That is the way our society works.

I am also aware the the cost of my information is far less than even a decent meal out, probably less than 1/2 the cost of most people's cell phone bills, equal to maybe 10 drinks at Starbucks, a couple of six-packs of beer, far less than a month of cable -- all to save a marriage! Really, I have begun to see it about 99% of the time being about priorities.

So I can promise you this: I am not getting rich off this. I do this because I believe in marriages. I am here to help people save their marriages. Care to join me?

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

New Year's Resolutions For Your Marriage

2008-12-31T11:04:00.002-05:00

I remember when I was back in school. At the end of each semester, I was so tired of that class, and just ready to move on. During college, it probably had something to do with being ready to leave behind the classes where I had maxed out my skips!

In any event, it was always nice to have a fresh start. I think that really is why we like New Year's Day. It marks the start of something fresh.

And something fresh only becomes something useful when we are intentional. So, every year, I make a few resolutions. Not too many. Then, they don't fall away. And I really try to keep them.

You are probably familiar with those resolutions that people make, then let fall away within a couple of weeks. The gyms are full on the 2nd, and empty by the 20th. My secret: I make sure I can see them everyday. I post them for myself to see, and remind myself of them.

This year, my resolutions are:
5) Focus on being more grateful.
4) Express that gratitude.
3) Avoid surrounding myself with negativity.
2) So that I can be more positive.
. . . and my biggy:
1) Finish my book on thriving!

Now, how about you? Specifically, what are your resolutions about your marriage? How will YOU be different during the next year to improve your marriage?

This is what I really like about resolutions -- they can't be about what someone else should do. And that is what we often get into when we think about marriage. We think about how our spouse ought to be different. A resolution puts it back into YOUR court! How will YOU be different?

Remember me back in school? I didn't make it a fresh start by leaving school. I just made it a fresh start by taking another class, opening another chapter in life. I still had to deal with my grade-point average, so it was not just leaving everything behind. It was just a new start.

It is the same with your marriage resolution. Don't think that your resolution is a fresh start without the marriage, without a past. Instead, make a mark in the sand. Decide you will move forward and leave what has happened behind. Move forward.

Some hints about your resolution:

Be specific.
Figure out how you will measure it.
Make sure it is about you.
Put it somewhere you will see it EVERY DAY!
Stick to it. Make it a habit.

So, what are your resolutions? Leave me a response, because when we commit in public, we are far more likely to stick with it. Write it down here. Tell us what YOU will do to make your marriage better in the coming year!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE HERE.

The Winter of Marriage

2008-12-10T14:37:00.003-05:00

I love to trail run. I love the feeling of going through the woods, feeling the ground beneath me, usually just behind my yellow Lab. Now, I don't live in what anyone would consider to be the Mecca of trail running.

But there is this one trail. . . I figure I have run it over 600 times. It is my standby trail, about 7 miles long. After that many runs, I know what is coming, and exactly where I am. I don't have to think about it, I just go.

But one of the things I really love is watching the seasons change as I run the same stretch of land. I watch the progress of each season as I go: the growing warmth and green of Spring, the heat and humidity of Summer, the cool colors of Fall, and the bitter solitude of Winter. . .

Which led me to contemplate this about the seasons: Marriage is a lot like the seasons of the year. And we don't act like it is.

We like to think that a marriage is going to be just like it was (fill in the blank). We expect that we will always be gushing with love, passion, emotion, etc., that many feel at the beginning of a marriage. Unfortunately, that is not reality.

So what if we shifted our thoughts a little bit? What if we started to expect that marriage is more like the seasons of the year? This changes two things:

We stop pretending that nothing will change. We accept that things will change, and that this is OK.
We come to believe that the place we are will change.

In other words, things will not stay as good as we wish them to, but they won't stay as bad as they can get sometimes. Life is change. Life is shift. Life is seasons.

You may be reading this because you find yourself in the Winter of a marriage. It can all seem so cold, so barren, so desolate. It can seem that nothing will get better. We think back to the cool of Fall, wishing it was back. If you aren't careful, you can fool yourself into believing that something better can ever come.

But Spring is always just around the corner, if we wait for it. Sometimes, we decide to just move to Antarctica, camp out in desolation. But if we just wait it out, Winter leads to Spring.

It may come slowly: kinder words toward each other, a hand held, a hug accepted. But soon, the Spring thaw takes over and their is growth. Spring can take some cultivation, action, effort.

I grow Banana trees in my backyard (yes, bananas can grow in Kentucky!), and when I plant the stalks each year, it is in the early days of Spring. The brown stalks have no leaves, look dead, and just sit there. . . for what seems like forever! But I have faith. I keep on watering. Then, one day, I notice a little green beginning to break through the top. Then a leaf erupts. Suddenly, the plant takes off!

But guess what? Even during the period when the plant looked dead, it really wasn't. It was hard at work on the inside, getting ready to shoot up!

Sometimes, marriage is the same way. Things just look dead, but there is lots of activity on the inside. Both individuals may be working hard to get things going, even if it is outwardly invisible. Suddenly, Spring arrives.

And Spring is followed by Summer. Those fun, lazy days. Life just seems so much easier. The rhythm of life changes to an easier pace. Life (or the relationship) is enjoyed and savored.

But just when you think you have it figured out, some leaves start falling. Cool breezes kick up. In marriages, the assumption that you finally have it all figured out gives way to new disagreements and realizations that you really don't see things alike. The cool can be breathtaking, but it is easy to pretend that the cold is not coming. After all, there are still warm days.

Until one day, there is frost on the ground. Conversations screech to a halt. Tensions create distance. Distance leads to more cold. At that point, both people are wondering what happened to the relationship. How did it get so cold, so distant?

Well. . . that is the cycle of life! Winter does come. But so does Spring.

As cold as it is, I still drag myself out to run the trail, because Winter may not be quite as enjoyable, it can be beautiful -- and Spring is coming!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

A Thankful Attitude Can Save Your Marriage

2008-11-24T10:09:00.004-05:00

In the United States, it is around Thanksgiving, a time set aside to be thankful. For far too many people, it really becomes an opportunity to eat a big meal, watch a little football, and take a few days off work. Too bad!

What an opportunity to set aside a time to do what we should always do: focus on that for which we are thankful. In fact, the latest research on our health and our ability to thrive shows that those who are thankful and express gratitude live longer, have more meaningful lives, and report higher levels of happiness.

Trouble is, when we have problems, we tend to forget to be thankful. This often has very detrimental effects on our lives and our relationships.

One place this is particularly true is in marriage. Usually, we start relationships being so thankful for the person we met. In fact, when I am talking with pre-marital couples, this is a common theme. It never fails that each is thankful for having found the other. And they can even tell me what they are thankful for.

Then, somewhere along the line, as arguments and conflicts take their tolls on the relationship, we begin to lose track of that for which we are thankful. Suddenly, we are much more aware of what the other person does that bothers us (or doesn't do that bothers us). We lose track of what the other brings to us and to the relationship. And that is when the relationship hits the wall.

In fact, I believe that this process is what creates the real crisis. When we fall out of touch with being thankful for our spouse, our spouse begins to feel unwanted, unloved, unappreciated, and "wrong." That is when people start asking "what did I do wrong?" with no answer. You see, our minds either operate on gratitude and thanksgiving or fear/hurt and protection. There is not much in-between.

Soon, neither can tell someone what they were thankful for, and then, neither can even tell what he or she likes about the other person. At that point, contempt and anger begin to set the emotional tone of the relationship. We begin to focus on what we are not getting, completely ignoring what we are getting.

Sound familiar? If you are in that situation, it is one all-too-common, and one that is entirely avoidable! But the time to turn the tide is now. In order to make the shift, you have to take the relationship off automatic, which is where gratitude turns to resentment and thankfulness turns to insufficiency.

Our minds work in predictable ways, when we don't intervene. But we can easily intervene. We just have to quit allowing the process to run on automatically.

Here are some steps to return to thankfulness and gratitude:

Remember that no spouse is as bad as we paint them in our down moments. Our perceptions are skewed when we are upset, angry, or resentful.
Remember that people really do the best they can, where they are. This does not mean someone couldn't do better, only that they are doing the best they can now.
Remember what you loved and appreciated in the beginning. In fact:
List what you would have said at the beginning of the relationship to this: I am thankful for my spouse because. . .
Ask yourself whether those items are still true. If so, focus on being thankful for those items. If not:
Ask yourself whether they are really not true, or if you just refuse to see and acknowledge them. Often, we lose track with our spouse's true nature, and create an image that is not true, then keep looking for facts to support that image.
Work to accept your spouse. In fact, this is the greatest, most important point of all. We all deserve to be accepted for who we are (not the same as how we act). We all want that from our spouse, but few want to extend that to our spouse. This has the power to transform your relationship with your spouse.

Thanksgiving always begins with acceptance: "Thanks for getting us this far. We can go further, but we are glad to be here." Isn't that the real message of Thanksgiving Day? Be thankful for where you are, wherever that is, because it is not where you were before. Look forward to bigger things, better days, by starting with acceptance of where you are and who your spouse is. Then move from there!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Bad Advice!: Not All You Read Is Helpful!

2008-11-21T10:44:00.004-05:00

OK, rant time!

I have tried, for as long as I have been on the internet, to avoid pointing the finger at marriage advice on the internet. But I can't be quiet any longer!

When I started offering help with marriages in 2001, there were maybe 2 of us on the internet. Now, there is an explosion of ebooks and advice on how to save your marriage. Most even borrowed my subtitle: "Even if only you want to."

My problem is not about the competition. In my mind, there really is no competition. If people are genuinely offering good advice with the intent of helping to save a marriage, I have no problem.

I have often said that my job is to put myself out of business. If I could save every marriage, my job would be done! I could pull out the hammock, put it up between the coconut trees, grab my cool drink, and watch the tide come in. Not much chance of that little fantasy!

So, my problem is not the "competition." It is the horrible advice I am seeing out there. You probably have seen it, too. And you may have even been tempted by it.

Almost always, the advice tries to give you some easy answer (or an answer you would love to hear). Saving a marriage takes effort! No amount of "magic potions," hypnosis, reverse psychology, "make your spouse jealous," or "how to be a great lover" advice is going to put "poor Humpty together again!"

So much of the advice is based in deception! Who ever believed they could fool someone into staying married?? Oh, sure, the reverse psychology (basically agreeing with your spouse, so that they are disarmed) may give you a little time to get moving, but very little time. Whenever we seek to manipulate someone, it will come back to bite you in the butt!

Magic potions? Come one! Love, and restoring love, is magic enough. Saying a few wishful words is not going to make it so. If you have seen "The Secret," that is my biggest gripe with it. It is not that I don't believe in intention. I do think that what we focus on, we often create. If nothing else, because we notice what we focus on, this works.

But if we think we can just sit back and imagine our spouse coming back, then we miss the important part: action! Something has to change. We have to change! Again, I am not against visualization. It is a fine place to start, but you can't imagine yourself into a new relationship! You have to take action -- and you have to take the right action!

Which brings us to the information that inspired this rant! I was reading an article by someone who wrote an ebook ("He Who Shall Not Be Named," mostly because name-calling seems a little juvenile). Now this person is really an internet marketer that decided there was a buck to be made here. Which is why I think the advice is so dangerous. It is not tested, not clinical, and based in making money.

What this person suggests is aimed at men: if you are separated, you should date and pursue other women! He says this will help with your self-esteem and -respect! He says it will make your wife jealous!

So, first, this may fit into some male fantasy, but it is just that -- fantasy!

Second, it basically means that someone is going out to "use" someone as a way of getting a spouse back. Does that not just seem really cruel, and in fact bordering on immoral? It is not that someone has decided that the marriage is over and starts looking to establish another relationship. It is establishing a "relationship" with the plan that it will get a marriage back on track!

Third, in many instances, the end result is one of two paths: it either tanks any chance at reconciliation or creates more wounds that must be overcome. Many spouses will see this as a sign that the marriage really is over, and emotionally leave at that point. The rest, if there is a reconciliation, will now have a trust issue and hurt that must be overcome.

Finally, anyone that sees this as a path to self-worth and self-esteem has WAAAY underestimated their worth. Reducing oneself so a "conquest" is a low place to go.

So, as you look for advice, I would hope you would pose a couple of questions:

1) Consider the source. Is this an expert or just someone with an opinion?

2) As you read, does the person offer the promise of an easy and simple, no work answer? Marriages do not get in trouble overnight, and it takes a while to get them back on course.

3) Can you, with integrity, follow the advice? At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself. If you manipulate someone, are you OK with yourself? If it works, will you say to yourself, "yeah, but I tricked him/her into staying"? Above all, be true to yourself.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Change Your Attitude & Change Your Marriage

2008-11-19T10:45:00.002-05:00

Do I have your attention? Are you thinking I am blaming you for your marriage?

That is not my intention. The reality is, though, that you are searching for help with your marriage. So, there is nothing I can do about your spouse, but there may be something I can do to help you change, or even save, your marriage.

I constantly hear cries of "it's not my fault," or "there's nothing I can do." That misses the fact that in any situation, there are two sides contributing to the problems at hand. It may be that your spouse is the primary problem. But honestly, I always see that there are two sides.

In fact, I have come to see relationships like algebra (no math lesson here, as it is certainly not my favorite subject, but I want to make a point). In algegra, there are always two sides to an equation. And both sides are held together by an "equals" sign. One side must equal the other. Make a shift on one side and you must make the same shift on the other side. In other words, both sides must be kept balanced and equal.

The same is true in marriage. If one person makes a shift, the other person must make a shift, just to keep the relationship equation in balance.

You may have already tried making shifts, and become increasingly frustrated that you can't seem to do anything that makes a difference.

I would submit to you that there is one fundamental shift you can make that will change the relationship: your attitude. One of my favorite writers was Viktor Frankl, survivor of the concentration camps. And my favorite quote from him is "The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance."

We tend to give up that freedom. We allow the other person to change and affect our attitude. Often, in the midst of a crisis, we find that we have lost our natural attitude and have become something we are not. It is always possible to choose to correct this.

Let me be more clear: you can choose your attitude. If you do not, the attitude will choose you, and it will likely be negative, short-sighted, ego-centric, and incorrect. A choice in attitude can lead us to hopefulness, patience, understanding, love, respect, and creativity.

Some helpful attitudes:

An attitude of Forgiveness. We can choose to take on an attitude of forgiveness, and simply let our spouse "off the hook" for every small transgression. I am not saying that you just forget major issues. In fact, forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is not allowing the actions to hold you emotionally hostage anymore. More specifically, forgiveness is letting go so that YOU do not have to carry it around. And too often, it is the small issues that do the most damage, the daily "slights" that we build up until we see the other person as despicable.
An attitude of Acceptance. What would it mean to accept your spouse, just like he or she is? No more attempts to change, either directly or by manipulation, your spouse into what you want. You simply accept him or her for who he or she is. That would be a great gift. . . and is the start of true love.
An attitude of Respect. Let's face it: when we live intimately with someone, we see them at their weakest. Sometimes, we see only the weakness and stop seeing the greatness. We, in essence, lose respect. But what if you focused on their strengths, their gifts, their quirkiness, and decided to extend respect? That may revolutionize your relationship.
An attitude of Civility. I was recently listening to a recording about providing good customer service. The expert suggested you remember what has been done to you. Do the things you liked, don't do the things you didn't like. (Sounds a great deal like the Golden Rule!) That would be civility. Don't like to be yelled at? Don't yell. Like to be treated lovingly? Treat lovingly. You get the idea.

Think of it this way: if you do not take back control of your own attitude, someone else gets to control it. And from what I see on a daily basis, when we do this, we are always on the losing end of the deal! We are much better off assuming control than being controlled. Your attitude is yours. Treat is as such!

So, if you want to change your marriage, start with your attitude. You can probably think of many other attitudes you could choose. Go do it! Transform your marriage!

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

The Rumor: I Am Who I Say I Am!

2008-11-18T10:28:00.003-05:00

OK, today I decided to make a personal response. I have read in several forums that there is a belief that I am the same person as several other ebook authors. In other words, there is a belief that I am a pseudonym.

Believe me when I tell you, I am not. I am Lee Baucom. That is the name my parents gave me, and I have never written anything on marriage under any other name.

Today, I read two posts, believing I was the same person as TW Jackson. That is the "author" of The Magic of Making Up, and the true author is Travis Sego, an internet marketer. So, some folks are correct in assuming there is a pseudonym in play. Trouble is, it ain't me!

Let me show you a picture of me and my family.

What this points to is how cynical we all have become by what is on the internet. We have begun to doubt that anyone is who they say they are. I see it everyday, when you can make yourself into whatever image you wish online. Generally speaking, people can hide behind a facade.

I have worked hard to be transparent. I have a phone number on my website (502-802-4823, so call and see if it is not MY voicemail), and an address (4949 Brownsboro Rd., Suite 147, Louisville, KY 40222 -- feel free to write). I can't promise I can answer every phone call in person, or respond to every email or regular mail. But I can promise, I am Lee Baucom, and that is the only person I have ever been.

Just wanted to clear that up! Thanks for reading.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.

Baucom's Wager

2008-11-13T09:15:00.002-05:00

What is Baucom's wager? Glad you asked. But first, you get a short history/philosophy lesson. I promise it won't be painful.

Back in the 1600's, philosopher Blaise Pascal was struggling with the many topics that could not, at that time, be proven. He was pushing for people to use reason. Into that fray he stepped, trying to address belief in God. The obvious then is still the obvious: God remains unprovable (and undisprovable) by science. So, Pascal saw it as a matter of faith.

He proposed a wager that is now know as Pascal's Wager. The wager is this "People should believe in God, as it makes reasonable sense. If you believe in God, and there is no God, you have lost nothing. If you believe in God, and there is God, you have gained everything. If you don't believe in God, and there is God, you lose everything." In essence, the only losing position was not believing in God, and finding that there is God. For Pascal, it was clear that it only made sense to believe in God.

Now, here is Baucom's Wager. I apply it to whether or not you should work to save your marriage. Don't worry, it is not about God, merely that I am borrowing Pascal's frame. So, here is my Wager:

If you work on your marriage, and it cannot be saved, you have lost nothing.
If you work on your marriage and save it, you have gained your relationship.
If you do not work on your marriage, you have lost the relationship.

In essence, it is reasonable to work on the relationship. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Let me know what you think about my wager, and if you are ready to take the wager, you can grab my ebook and special reports.

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More marriage saving information can be found in my ebook, available by CLICKING HERE.