After the IVF

Moving On

2006-08-01T18:50:00.000-07:00

I have decided to move on to a new blog because the title of this one may mislead people to think I am still in the throes of IVF. Perhaps I will be again someday, but for now I will be here.

http://keepinongirl.blogspot.com/

It still amazes me

2006-07-27T18:08:00.000-07:00

I got my period today. It still amazes me that after I had the baby that I am now getting periods. Irregular, but yes, I am having them. Does it really mean I am ovulating? Or is it the weirdness of PCOS? It could be either. At least I know I haven't gone into menopause in my 30s.

On another note, I found the greatest bargain today. I get such a high when I get what I want at a rock bottom price. My sis is getting married and needs a strapless corset bra for under her dress and of couse, she hates to shop. I went to the store to look for one for her as I have one I got 3 years ago that I loved. (It was comfy and pushed out and pulled in what needed to be). I asked the saleslady and she said they discontinued them, but that there might be some in the sale pile. I dug around and found one in the right size and color and it was marked down to $8.50 from $35. Whoo Hoo! When the lady rung it up, apparently there was additional 30% off all sales items and it was only $5.95. Double Whoo Hoo!

The great unknown

2006-07-23T19:27:00.000-07:00

Recently I have been thinking about what is next for me in the reproductive games. I had an appointment for my "yearly" last month but I cancelled it because of a conflict and also because in the back of my mind I thought about scheduling it with my RE (she does yearly stuff too) in order to get her opinion on my hopes for another baby. I still have not scheduled it.

I don't feel in any hurry to see her at all, but sometimes I think about the time it took to get where I am now. Not that anything is guaranteed of course and I actually did not have to wait for too too long for the baby. I know my dh and I hope that #2 could possibly come the old fashioned way. Maybe in the next 6 months, maybe in 5 years. Who knows? I guess I do know my uterus works really well..just need to kick start those ovaries and get those fallopian tubes open. I feel again like I am traveling on a highway, without a map, and wondering which exit I should take.

Chicken Pops

2006-07-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

The wee one felt feverish last night and as I was taking off her clothes for a bath, I noticed...hmmm...those really look like chicken pox. Oh crap, she's one of those that gets a mild case after the vaccine. She got her shots a week ago. I tylenoled her and she felt asleep. Today there were a few more, but not more than about 30 total I counted. No more fever, but some diarrhea. Otherwise she is eating and playing, just more fussy than usual. I remember a few years ago, a father brought in his kid and wanted me to check if he had "Chicken Pops." The staff and other doctors freaked out as this kid should have been isolated from the unexposed (babies and pregnant women). Anyway, I told them yes, indeed, he had Chicken Pox (Pops).

Grey's Anatomy - The Art of Suffering

2006-07-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

I am not a big tv person, but there are a few shows that I have been TIVOing and enjoying with great interest. They include Grey's Anatomy, Project Runway, and House Hunters. Interesting assortment, but they are all definately chick interest shows. Grey's Anatomy is about a bunch of surgical residents in a hospital in Seattle. Sometimes it is a bit soap operaish but mostly it is insightful and melancholy. The main character, Meredith, is suffering through many things: being an intern (surgical!) at a hospital where her mother used to be a great surgeon and who now has Alzheimers and is in a home, her lover turns out to be her boss and married to another faculty member, and she is estranged from her father. She is alone all except her fellow intern friends. Her life is all about suffering and the only happy moments are when she is taking care of patients. I certainly enjoy the show for all its drama and the cute guys on it, but there is something about Meredith that I can relate to. It is not the life I am living now, but parts of my life were reminiscent of what she is going through. I remember that feeling of loving someone who did not love me back and wanting something I could not have. The feelings of highs and lows, the rush of lust and the emptiness of being alone. The pleasure was fleeting and sometimes even came with the suffering.

Of course, I relate to the consuming work of the internship and residency, when all your life was work and how little sleep and how little of a life you had. And the only people you had time to socialize (and date/ sleep with), were the same people ou saw everyday and everynight. And how awful and annoying that became after a while. My pleasure was in learning and taking care of my patients, but during the time of training, especially in the later times, I began to crave a normal life. A life of time in my own house, travel, a husband that did not remind me of my work (I was married at the time to a doctor and we went thru a divorce at the end of my residency. I am now married to a non doctor), and children. I began to want to grow up and wanted a life that was more than my work.

I actually did not really want to have a child until this realization and until I met my current dh. So here I am now, extrapolating on a TV show that is haunting to me.

Shots oh shots

2006-07-13T19:42:00.000-07:00

We (I) survived the 1 year visit to the doctor's. Man, there are a lot of shots! Including the TB test and blood draw to check for anemia, the poor babe was poked 7 times. Thank goodness she will not remember any of it. I know that it is for her good and my medical mind knows that it is needed, but my mama heart hurt for my baby's cries. I don't even like taking her to the doctor (who by the way is a perfectly nice doctor and has a spotless office) because I think about all the other sick (germy) kids there. Sunday school doesn't bother me because I hope that people don't bring sick kids to church! She did note that her eyes had some crossed-ness, which I and my family have also been noticing (and it seems to be getting better). She recommend we take her to the opthalomogist for a visit. I have made an appointment, but I am debating whether to go or just observe some more. I asked my dh and he says well, we'll get his opinion and follow it. I just hate the thought of sitting in another doctor's office (this one with mostly old people checking on their cataracts and glaucoma). But I think I am fortunate that my child is healthy and doing quite well and not in the doctor's office very much at all.

It's all good

2006-07-05T18:54:00.000-07:00

Well, back to routine today for me. The weekend went very well and was eventful. The far away grandparents arrived for the birthday festivities and I struggled with a mild stomach bug (and 1 night of mind numbing flu like fatigue) before the grand 1st birthday party. The party was great, the baby and all in attendance (many children to my delight) all were happy and well fed. I have had to take a nap everyday since Thursday and today back at work, I struggled to keep awake and alert in the afternoon. Well, have to break that habit, but it is deliciously luxurious to have time just to lay down and sleep. I am so activity and task oriented, it is something I need to do more often. Only it often messes up my bedtime. So tonight I should fall asleep easier sans nap.

The Holiday Weekend

2006-06-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone has been asking me how I plan to spend my 4th of July holiday weekend. Well, I admit, it has not been at the top of my list because this weekend, the holiday celebration I am looking forward to is my daughter's 1st birthday party. The folks are gathering for a party and I am making sure we have enough spoons for the ice cream (Oh crap, I need to remember to buy ice cream). A year ago tonight, I was lying on the couch (bedrest) watching Lemony Snicket, unknowing that I would go into labor at 2 AM 5 1/2 weeks early. A year ago tomorrow, I would be looking at my new daughter. So here I am on the brink of the celebrations for the birth of our great country and the birth of my 1st child, what a great weekend to look forward to!

My new favorite song

2006-06-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

Oooooh...it's Paris Hilton's Stars are Blind...JUST KIDDING

It is Nelly Furtado's Say It Right. Really cool beat...hear it is produced by Timbaland, apparently big in the hip hop world. Anyway, I LIKE it. Kind of reminds me of the music in the belly dancing class I took once.

I wish I was smart enough to figure out how to broadcast it on my blog.

Eleemosynary

2006-06-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

I took my dh to a chick play last night and it was great. It was a 3 woman play with very minimilist costuming and set design. Basically it addresses 3 generations of women, their love, their frustrations with what they can't have, and how they deal with it. The grandma wanted to go to college, but was forced to marry and bear children instead. The mom wanted to have a baby (at 18), but was forced to abort and go to school instead. The daughter wanted to be with her mother, but because of the mother's anger at grandma, is left to be raised by grandma. It was really well done and I think it really reflects many women's lives to some degree or another.

Mothering is often not done by the mother. I think of my grandmothers. I didn't know one because she died when I was young, but she had 8 kids and most were distributed among relatives to live with for most of their lives. This was not because she was uncaring but because of Chinese custom and the circumstances of World War II. The other grandmother was widowed in her 30s with 3 kids and went to work, also distributing the kids to various relatives. I have heard that she never remarried because she felt that the kids were a burden. I cannot judge them, they did what they had to do to survive. Both their situations produced children, my parents who when they 1st married, made a conscious decision not to have children. When they did want to have children, they made a conscious decision to be parents who would be the main adults in their lives and not go through what they had to go through.

I cried during the play at the parts when the mother leaves her daughter, when she talked about leaving her daughter, and tried to push her away repeatedly. I am sure it is the part of me that knows my own child is such a gift and blessing and that I could not bear to be away from her, in an emotional sense.

Cat Cat

2006-06-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

This picture just sums it all up. Happiness, sunshine, and a good pal to watch your back (front, in this case).

De Cluttering

2006-06-09T20:37:00.000-07:00

I whacked off my hair...I think it was because it is really hot right now, I am sick of wearing ponytails and buns, and since all my hair fell out postpartum I wanted to let it grow and now that it is think and lush, I feel secure in wearing it shortrer. Now I feel that surge of energy to clean my house. Maybe it is hormonal, maybe because I've had some work stress and cleaning is my way to keeping in control.

Things are just things, but there is always a fear of getting rid of something I don't need. I notice that some of the things I treasure I misplace or just leave laying about and things that I really don't need I keep in handy places and tucked in places where my treasured things should be. How screwed up is that? Well I guess that is the game I have to learn how to play (i.e. don't let photos be in places they could be coasters, chewed up by the cat or drooled on by the baby).

Well, I have the urge to reorganize my bookshelf before I go to bed.

CIAO

Fun Family Time

2006-06-09T18:32:00.000-07:00

(Side note...I finally got my haircut today. It was just a mess...I was becoming BUN woman it was so long. I chopped it...so freeing)

My little family went to the wonderful city of San Antonio, Texas last weekend. If you have never been to Texas, this is the city to go visit. It's really the only city in Texas that I consider a tourist destination. It also really shows the culture of our state, a blend of American, Mexican, German, etc. We stayed near the Mexican marketplace and the Riverwalk. The baby had such a fun time at the Mexican restaurant looking at all the lights, pinatas, and enjoying the mariachi guitar music. I have been here so many times, but I enjoy it every time I come. When she is older, I am sure we will be visiting Sea World and Fiesta Texas (Six Flags).

Dysfunctional workplace

2006-06-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

I have been trying valiantly to rehabilitate an aging medical clinic with a dysfunctional staff for the past 6 months. I am not alone in my task, a hardworking and smart manager has been there to work on the non medical issues. We have come a long way in the last 6 months. We have had a tremendous staff turnover and most of the new people and people who have stayed are wonderful employees. There are a few bad apples still left, and while they are soon to be gone, they have still on many occasions really messed things up for everyone else. My counterpart is burning out and I felt a little saddened and less confident today to think that I might have to continue on with less time from her or without her.

Maybe it was the way I was brought up or maybe I am just puzzled by the fact that many people take their jobs for granted and don't really care about doing a haphazard job. It's hard to understand why someone in the medical profession, especially, would not really care about they are doing. I mean, we are responsible for people's lives. Even though I am the "big cheese" in the clinic, I feel very priviledged to be working there. I am really proud that people choose to come seek our help when they are sick or well. As this blog mainly deals with women who have to navigate the medical clinics in search of fertility, you would understand how important it is to have medical staff (from receptionist to doctor) that cares about what they are doing.

Well, I can only pray that we can continue to improve our services to our patients and get rid ot the bad elements still present.

My alter ego(s)

2006-06-06T18:53:00.000-07:00

I got so excited when I saw Frances's avatar on her blog. I just had to get one. This one is my alter ego as an American Idol Contestant/ Famous Rock Star. It is someone I would like to be sometimes. Nevermind that I am too old for American Idol, can't sing that well (some of those contestants can't either!), and get carsick easily (bad for tour bus riding). But, hey screaming crowds in the palm of your hand and stylists to help you with your look and music, sweet music all around. I am totally in.

Breastfeeding Memories

2006-05-29T18:39:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a little free time to get those blogging juices going. The entry below is a response to an entry by Galloping Cat on Breastfeeding. I may have already blogged about this, but I thought it would help anyone out there who might be struggling with BF'ing

Yeah, just when I thought BF was going well, I would get a plugged duct or some kind of horrible engorement. I hated breastfeeding, especially being awake at 2:30 Am with engorged breast (I had one good breast and one crazy breast) and the baby deciding to pick that night to sleep thru with me pondering whether to pump (to relieve the PAIN) or just cry and suffer thru. I also remembering surfing on the internet to distract myself while massage a bad plugged duct one night.

I worked M-F 8-3 with 2 pumping sessions and did it for 5 months. I think I made it that long because the was the longest time period any of my girlfriends did it. That competitive B*Tch in me...

I agree with you on the natural thing...I wonder if I could have lasted longer if I was a SAHM and never pumped. I was really great at pumping though...I had a Medela PIS as well as an Avent Isis. I could pump anywhere...work, car, etc. The thing I didn't hate was that the baby seemed to really enjoy it and had this strong rooting reflex (for ALL females actually).

One book that really helped a lot was The Nursing Mother's Companion. I had the pamphlet form that came free with my hospital stuff and eventually I bought the book when I decided to go longer than 2 months. It could be a breastfeeding nazi book, but it actually is a very useful, accurate, and practical guide.

Tales from the Crib

2006-05-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

Just finished a great book...the title is above and the author is Risa Green. It is a sequel to Notes from the Underbelly, a book I one day just bought randomly at the bookstore. The 1st one dealt with being pregnant and the sequel is the aftermath of having a baby. The main character lives in LA, has a working dh, and is on leave for most of the book from her job. It is really funny and sometimes I got exasperated with her, but she is my kind of gal. There are some really funny lines and terms in the novel, one being "mommunist," which she uses to describe all the mommy clones in her Mommy & Me class (they all drive range rovers, have $800 Bugaboo strollers, and all plan to be stay at home moms). I enjoy taking a peek into her particular mommy world, quite different from mine (I don't think there is a Mommy & Me class within a 500 mile radius of my town). But I do like the points the book makes as the main character realizes there is no one way to do it and that if you try to force yourself into a certain mold, it may make you unhappy and that it may not be the best thing to do you for child.

I know I have had struggles with that as I have been adapting into my Mom role. The end of the book has some discussion/ interview with the author and she brings up an interesting point about motherhood and how it has affected some members of this particular generation. That more of us have lives before we become moms (esp if we have kids in 30s and 40s) and that we need to realize that although we may love having a child, we need to acknowledge that we mourn for our past lives. In previous generations, she notes, many women went from being a member of one household/ family (daughter) and into another (wife. mother) without having the "single" or "married without kids" life.

My first Mother's day card

2006-05-10T19:45:00.000-07:00

I got my 1st mother's day card today. It was from my parents and it touched me that they sent me this funny, quite wonderful card. I remember sitting in church about 5 years ago in the front in the choir loft. It was Mother's day. They did the whole oldest, youngest, most kids, etc. and all the mothers in the church got flowers. I was single, divorced about a year, not really looking, but on that Sunday I really wanted to be presented with one of those scraggly carnations. I wasn't even married or trying, or even had any inkling I would be dealing with infertility at some future point. I felt that ache. I guess that's the biological clock. The church I go to now celebrates all women on that day, mothers and daughters and everyone gets a flower. And now I am someone's mother.

Hormones part 2

2006-05-03T19:45:00.000-07:00

I have been such a bag blogger...letting so much time lapse again. I'll blame it on my hormones. I just finshed one of the worst periods of my life. Blood everywhere, super tampon + super pad every 2-3 hours for 3 days, cramps, severe pain on my right side in the middle of the night (almost as bad as labor), Motrin, motrin, motrin (clock watching...is it time to take more Motrin?). I even worried about an ectopic pregnancy and checked my own blood at my clinic for anemia and my thyroid. Negative on the pregnancy thing, and stone cold normal blood work...even high end of normal on my hemoglobin (no anemia). So it was just crappy crappy menstrual pain. Makes me feel so wimpy.

Did I even ovulate? Possibly as my last blog entry, about ovulation time, found me hormonally horny. For years I had the luxury of the nice calm periods that come with using oral contraceptives. Now I am all natural woman. Arggghhh!!! How about a healthy pregnancy and baby without the use of IVF/ intervention and I can deal with this until menopause?

Hormones out of whack

2006-04-15T15:12:00.000-07:00

Something is definately going on with the hormonal balance in my body. I have been spotting up until a week ago...I assume it was anovulatory bleeding as it wasn't really heavy enough to be a "period." Then this week, I have been moody, horny, hungry, bitchy, achy, etc. My dh is going with the flow and enjoying all the extra sex time, and I have that niggling feeling that this is just false hope that my body could actually ovualte on its own. And perhaps even some sperm could find an egg to fertilize. I had 3 days of egg white cervical mucous, accompanied by the feeling that I was in heat. Maybe I am really a dog.

I know that I am too anxious to be getting pregnant now, but that would be wonderful. That would be 2 kids, and probably that would be it for me. But I know how God always laughs when I make plans. I am not sure if I am even that great of a mother. I love working outside the home and taking care of a child is harder work. 2 children, hard at first when they are little, but better I guess as they get older (I know, different problems). I do want #1 to have a sibling so she and he/she can be on the "kids" side vs. us parents. I know dh and I have the potential to be great parents and perhaps that it is why I often question why we don't have kids easily. Maybe I am just impatient and at least I have one.

Baby things

2006-04-13T13:23:00.000-07:00

My MIL was helping me out with babysitting the other day and I was rushing home from work to make sure all was ok. I got there and everyone was asleep. I am not sure who wore who out first. Every 1-2 feet in the house was a small baby toy or object. I just had to laugh.

Happy Easter everyone!

No more doughnuts

2006-04-02T18:58:00.000-07:00

My pants have been getting tighter lately (also my undies too) and the numbers on the scale are higher that I like. I kept saying I really needed to watch what I was eating. My actions, however, hadn't caught up to my brain. Well, last week, I have double check my blood sugar machine and my own sugar was higher that my patient's who is a diabetic. Granted, they were both numbers in the normal range, but I was a bit taken aback. I also recently hospitalized a patient under 40 who is suffering the ravages of kidney disease from uncontrolled diabetes. Well, this past week, I have been scared into watching what I eat again, in particular a lower carb diet. As I was a gestational diabetic, PCOS, and have a diabetic dad who started with heart blockages at age 45, I am totally at risk for this disease. Exercising on a regular basis again would help too. Not just light walks but more getting sweaty workouts again. It also dawned on me that if I don't take care of myself I can't take care of my daughter or on down the road, she might have to take care of me. So, giving up doughnuts sounds pretty lame sometimes, but for me, obviously, it is not.

Have I ever?

2006-03-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

Have you ever? Game:

Taken a picture naked? No, but a photographer (artistic one, not porno one) asked once...I was too shy.

Made out with a member of the same sex? No, I like boys too much

Danced in front of your mirror? Often, not enough lately

Told a lie? Yes, I used to lie all the time when I was a kid. Even into my 20s, but as I aged, I realized it did not really bring any benefits. Truth made me feel freer, nothing more to hide.

Gotten in a car with people you just met? I can't remember, but I don't think so.

Been in a fist fight? Nope

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back? Yes, that was my love life in my early 20s and some of my 30s. Some of the intensest emotions I have ever experienced. Don't ever want to feel like that again.

Been arrested? No, I like being law abiding

Left your house without telling your parents? No, I could really come and go as I pleased, but I always let someone know.

Ditched school to do something more fun? No, what could be more fun than school?! (Actually as I am a late bloomer, I did take off early one day from medical school with a pal and we went swimming in Barton Creek in Austin.)

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes

Seen someone die? Yes, job hazard of mine. Not fun, emotionally difficult each and every time.

Kissed a picture? Hmmm...Shaun Cassidy?

Slept in until 3? No, Noon yes.

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes, super fun

Played dress up? Yes

Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes, 1 pm lectures with lights out and slide projector on

Felt an earthquake? No

Touched a snake? Yes, horrible feeling

Ran a red light? Yes, at 6am driving to drill team practice in High school

Had detention? No

Been in a car accident? Yes, transported to ER in a ambulance in my drill team practice electric smurf blue leotard, tights and white skirt (Yes, I looked like the Asian Smurfette). My head shattered the back seat window and I was so achy all over. No broken bones, but lots of bruises and chunk of hair missing from my head.

Pole danced? No

Been lost? Yes, more that I want to remember

Sang karaoke? Yes, I wish I had a home machine

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t? Yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Coca cola...really burns coming out my nose

Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes, snow is rare in these parts, but oft enjoyed

Kissed in the rain? Yes, really, really cold

Sang in the shower? Occasionally

Got your tongue stuck to a pole? No

Ever gone to school partially naked? No, but often in my dreams

Sat on a roof top? Yes...favorite...on my Grandmother's condo complex watching fireworks from Dodger stadium

Played chicken? No

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No

Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger? Yes.

Broken a bone? No

Mooned/flashed someone? Yup

Forgotten someone’s name? Yes, often. I am good at avoiding saying their name (or I think I am).

Blacked out from drinking? No

Played a prank on someone? No, I can't tell jokes either

Felt like killing someone? Killing, no. Abducting, yes

Made a parent cry? Mom, of course

Cried over someone? Yeah, breakups

Had sex more than 10 times in a weekend? No, sounds painful

Had/Have a dog? Jigger

Been in a band? No

Drank 25 sodas in a day? ICK

Shot a gun? No

Sitting up

2006-03-20T18:56:00.000-08:00

My dh and I had the past week on vacation and spent a lot of time with the baby. Today was back to the grind and I came home and lo and behold the wee one was sitting, mostly steady, unsupported. She also demonstrated a bit of military style creeping about 2 inches forward. I am still amazed how much can happen just in one day! I was remarking to dh that the developemental milestones were pretty neat, and what if adults had them too? That at 35 years of age you could do something you never did before? Actually, I guess while we are physically developed, perhaps our milestones are more in wisdom or lack of!

Moms Save the World

2006-03-15T19:57:00.000-08:00

That is the headline I hope to see one day soon. I was having a discussion with a fellow mom (also a successful ivf cycler, working professional) about how moms need more support in this country with regards to childcare. Most moms still could use more help in this area. We don't know what the answers are, but she sees a large untapped population of educated moms with lots of skills who are at home with the kids. Many stay home, she believes, because they cannot either find or afford quality childcare. I hope that more options will be coming as currently 60% of college students are women and 50% of professional school classes are also female. One thing would be more part time opportunities in all fields of work. I am all for less government, but it really may be time for some subsidized childcare options (or bigger tax breaks for childcare) for women who cannot afford nannies or better daycares.

We came to the agreement, that most women, whether stay at home or work outside the home, simply cannot do it all themselves and must have some help.

If our society was like that of other places, where the extended family lived together and there was always an extra pair of a relative's hands around, this would not be an issue (but I am certain there would be other issues!).

If our country had government funded/ run childcare, there would be less anxiety but we'd have a bunch more taxes/ bureaucracy.

If all women stopped working outside the home and let the males do it, we'd all have to cut back and be a lot poorer materially. There would be a bunch of females who would be really frustrated and taking lots of valium. And if the male died/ left, she'd might be SOL.

I honestly don't know the answers to this issue, and I know many magazines have been running articles (unfortunately only to simplify or berate people). One thing I hate, is when people try to tell me what I should and should not do. I will damn well decide with my own brain how to run my life. I believe our country is about choices and having lots of options. I think my friend and I concluded that we really did need to think about all this and make the world a better place, if not for us, but for our daughters.