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Advait Part 15 (Leap)

2008-06-21T04:50:00.000-07:00

Never before did I felt silence was more meaning full, never before did I felt more convinced and never before did I felt the longing to accept anyone as my Guru. He seemed complete, full circle, Advaita which Shankara spoke about. Yet that completeness in itself seemed incomplete.

How could he possibly make me experience the longings of his heart, stones which crossed his bare feet, desire which engulfed in his deepest meditation, and wisdom nature taught him. I could learn all the shashtras from him, I could learn how the world was formed, existed and will be destroyed from him, and I am sure I could also learn the various mystical ways which dazzles the mind.
But then how could he possibly share how it would feel to caress a woman you truly love, How it would feel when heart is rejected of love, how it would feel when senses take over the reasons of existence. Human nature, although most complicated in its form is still the most beautiful with its vulnerable features.

Never again I thought then, will I see from any body else’s eyes, never again I promised then will take a road made for other, never again I decided then will allow anyone to be my guru.

I discarded my saffron clothes, tore them with a zest, plunged into a near flowing river and screamed with joy.

Here I come, leaping into the infinite existence of your creation

Life…..embrace me for from today I will dream my own dreams.

Advait part 14 (Seeking)

2008-06-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

“Don’t leave me,” he almost cried. “Together we came so far”

“ You have already left me my dearest Gopal, just like the ascetics in the past.

But convince me with a reason, isn’t it his teaching without any bondage?

Reason is the toy mind plays with, how would you convince a heart ?

But isn’t the true knowledge you too seek, for which you deserted all ?

It’s the seeking only which will quench my thirst, rest all will divide me apart.

Advait part 13 (Separation)

2008-06-09T23:12:00.000-07:00

“Today, on ides of March, a day when Caesar was slayed by his closest friend Brutus, we make a pact that separated we will never be, together we will go to United States and forever our friendship will be.”

Written on a piece of paper it was our testimonial for years to come which was none the less wither with time and remain as memories in our heart.
Together since the first day in boarding school, when our maids used to bathe us, naked. Together since the first time I had an infatuation on an Assamese girl and to impress who I gave a chick.
Together since when we got our hands on first issue of Debonair.
And together since when we were bullied to death by our classmates.

Ananda his name was, and joy he bought to my heart. Closer than a brother which I never had. Even our names rhymed so did our dreams.
“I want to be a teacher” he used to say, “and to the world one day I will teach”
“I want to be a preacher” I would add, "and the world will listen one day to what I preach”
Naive we were like everyone our age, alone we were like everyone in their hearts.

When the stars lit the skies, we looked out from our windows, lying on our beds, next to each other in the room of thirty. We would slowly whisper, “ One day….one day….it will all come together”.

School ended, college started and our path always crossed and together we did go to United States.

But as fate had it, the best of dreams do get broken because in it lies the secret of our hearts.

Without any reason, without any complains, without any fights and without any emotion….we parted on different paths.

And yet today when I look up into the sky, I can’t help but murmur to myself…."one day…one day…it will all come together”.

Advait part 12 ( Surrender)

2008-05-29T00:05:00.000-07:00

Asa…. Nisi…. Masa….

Very softly the magician muttered these words in Guido’s ears.

We go a long way in our lives from where we begin. There comes a point when reality takes over imagination and we need to go back to the source.

Go within the magician said. Go within.

It was late evening when my eyes opened. My entire being felt relaxed. I could feel the smile on my lips as if they had read my mind and danced in anticipation.

Gopala was sitting outside on a rock, gazing at the hills. He didn’t turn to look at me when I slowly walked towards him and sat down. We both sat in silence in nothingness. I could feel the change in Gopala’s breathing and waited when he would share his turmoil.
After moments, this time looking directly in to my eyes, he took my hand in his hand and said earnestly“ Dear, I have decided to pursue the light as shown by Mahabodhi. I feel the thirst to gain the abundance of knowledge left by him. Tomorrow in the auspicious day of birth of one of his incarnations, lets walk this path together.”

Far away in the hills we could hear the sound of bells coming from Kali temple. Evening prayers were in process. Oil lamps placed outside was illuminating in the darkness.

Next day started with the loud chanting in the monastery and a heavy rainfall. Sound of which felt as if competing with each other. Nonetheless excitement was in the air. Our monk friends were clearly in a very happy mood. Very early, just after their prayers and our baths we left immediately for the main temple which was about 4kms. The temple of the spiritual leader His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama.

The temple had an open courtyard where we together with hundreds of people, who with an amazing zeal and enthusiasm filled in their hearts, getting drenched in the rain, prayers in their lips, waited patiently for their teacher.

And not long enough when the Tibetan artists and performers announced the arrival of the so anxiously awaited guest. First glimpse of him and I was in a bliss. His face radiated with pure love and compassion. With a childlike smile he walked at ease waving at everyone and once in a while stopped and greeted elderly and children. As if time had stopped when he walked past us, and for a fraction of a moment I felt our eyes met and he smiled. Never before I was so enchanted, never before I was so captivated, never before I had felt a presence of a true teacher.

My heart opened to surrender.

Advait part 11 (Non-attchment)

2008-05-18T00:59:00.000-07:00

“An effort to detach from suffering is a form of suffering itself.”

Buddha’s entire life effort was to get humanity rid of suffering. And to achieve it, non attachment was the way he showed. Not a relatively new concept, as old as Vedas and creation of trees. Krishna sings it through Bhagwad Gita, ‘Karmanye vyadhikarasthe, ma faleshu kadachana!!!!!” do your karma and be non attached to it’s fruit.
I like the word non attachment, most of us misinterpret it to detachment. Both are no way close to same. To detach is to be attached to the process of detachment thus an effort to detach from suffering is a form of suffering itself.

Abode of Dharma, the goodness, the virtue. A resting place. The name says it all. That’s Dharamshala.
It does feel restful here, in mind and spirit. The valleys of Dharamshala slows you down and makes you notice life. More popular for being home to current Dalai Lama, the little town grew with flow of Buddhists coming from Tibet.

It was 6am when we reached. The little town was waking up. Streets were adorned with colorful paper decorations. Soon we learned it was the Dalai Lama’s birthday tomorrow. Visitors had already occupied most of the town, homes had turned into hotels filled mostly with foreigners.

Gopala smart as he was quickly made friends with some local monks and secured a place for us to stay. 3 km away from the town, a place called Bhagsu, in the center of a mountain which required you to walk all the way down a hill, cross a small stream of water and then climb again to reach there, was a very small but extremely beautiful monastery. Not very far from this place was a Kali temple. Little amused I was but not very surprised with Gopala’s decision, of why he chose a monastery over a temple to abode. A transformation was in the process.

The four monks were very very kind to allow us in their little life bubble. With our matted hair and long beard, saffron clothes and bare feet, no doubt we were genuinely monastic and thus at some deeper level we could connect. They spoke very little but opened their hearts. The meditation room was the largest, compared with one other room they had to sleep. With windows on two sides, it was completely empty with absolutely no furniture. Buddha in his parnirvana stage was in a stone statue at the end of the room, very rare do you see this, as it depicts him lying on a bed with his one hand supporting his head, reflecting moment before he died, symbolizing he too was a mortal.

I felt the impulse to sit and as I did, without any chanting, without any mantras without any prayers, I just closed my eyes and slowly as if caressing my soul, peace engulfed me.

Advait part 10 ( Unfurl )

2008-04-30T22:51:00.000-07:00

I never really had friends so gradually became accustomed to myself and liked it more than any body else. Never too good in studies, last one to be chosen in a sports team, too shy with the girls, easy victim to bullies, I was this nice decent kid who no one hated. No wonder I don’t have much childhood memories. Erased subconsciously. Closest I felt that time was to my grandfather. He told me stories, asked me questions and introduced me to spirituality. Although now when I meet him, he seems this whole different person and somehow I feel as if I had an imaginary friend.

At age five I went to a boarding school. It wasn’t that painful, allowed me to like myself, I was being prepared to know the real meaning of detachment. With minimum marks in high school I went to Delhi. There was no way I would have got admission in a regular college so settled for a correspondence course. Dad wanted me to become a chartered accountant so I registered for the course and like a horse blinded by his mask tried to live my narrow life one step after another.

And then one day I fell in love and everything changed. I started to like my self like never before. Life seemed beautiful and my behavior became impulsive, instinctive and erratic. It did good to me, broke my inhibitions but so it was breaking my shell too.

“A heart break is necessary for your growth” I had heard. Now I was experiencing it. She never loved me back or may be she did but I chose not to see it. But why do I not blame her? She never admitted it. And for a long time I didn’t do it either. Like a tortoise I caved in. I liked the feeling of sadness, loneliness and longing. There’s a joy in suffering, I learnt. This addiction was stripping my soul to it’s core.

When no where left to go, you go within. I slowly realized she was just an instrument to my unfolding. True love was yet to come.

A dream was in the process of being dreamt. Winds of change were taking me to America, a place where my stories will take shape……..but till then I was like that boat longing for the sea and yet afraid, yet afraid.

Advait part 9 (Companion)

2008-04-10T22:34:00.000-07:00

I would have died if it wasn’t for Gopala. Inquisitive as he was, he followed me when he saw me walking towards the woods. I still felt dizzy; it took me a while to recognize him. The bull was no where to be seen Was it a figment of my imagination? Or was it for real?

I tried to get up but felt quite exhausted. With Gopala’s support I tried getting up again but in vain. He made me sit on a nearby rock, gave water to drink. I could feel the water flow down my throat through my bones as if a clear water stream flowed in a hot desert. I almost finished all his water. I was looking down, somehow feeling guilty, don’t know why, couldn’t look at him in eye. Slowly he came near and tenderly touched my forehead compassionately. That was it. I broke down and cried profusely. I wept, slowly at first then loudly, just like when I was a child, without any inhibitions. Gopala didn’t make any effort to console me, he stood there with his eyes closed with his hands still on my forehead.

Like the peace after the storm, I too felt calm after crying. Gopala sat next to me and then after a long silence he slowly said:
“My father is a head priest of a big temple in Orissa. Like most fathers he too wanted me to live his unfulfilled dream. I know Vedas by heart, Sanskrit Shlokas is my first language, debate with me in any topic and I can speak for hours. But is that all to knowledge? The true knowledge? The supreme truth? With my mind full of texts and heart empty of experience, I too left it all one day and joined this pilgrimage. When I saw you for the first time, I saw the same longing, same detachment and same desire for search. Tell me my friend, did you find what you were looking for?”

I carefully looked at him and suddenly he felt a whole different Gopala, he looked mature and wiser. “I wish I knew what I want”, I softly replied.

“The better it is,” he chuckled. “At least you don’t have to go through the process of being empty.”

He then got up and suggestively asked: “I am going to visit Dharamshala, a Buddhist town up north. Would you like to join me? Heard the Dalai Lama is also there at this time of the year.”

“Aren’t you going back to the group?” Immediately I regretted asking this question as I guessed what was coming.

“We have left them long back” He said with a smile.

Advait part 8 (Source)

2008-04-01T23:38:00.000-07:00

I felt naked, standing before the entire auditorium filled with people. It was screening of my first film. Never felt so uncomfortable, vulnerable, or anxious. Knowing that everybody will now know me, will know my insecurities, my fear, my love, my passion and my truth through my film. There was no escape.

I always liked the Zen approach to the filmmaking. Living and discovering the moment as you go. Like a sculptor, who finds a mass of stone, feels it, caresses it and takes it’s permission to make sure it was ready to take the shape of his dream. He doesn’t know what he is going to make but allows the creation to reveal itself, with every stroke. Now same happened with me in making the film or writing this story. Sometimes obscure when I am not in tune with myself, but mostly gratifying when it naturally flows as if waiting to be born. Recently I have been thinking too much thus blocking the energy flow and result to which the breakdown happened. Like an internal disease you don’t realize it till it is quite late. Heart feels the symptoms but mind refuses to accept it and finds another excuse not to see it till it becomes so evident that there’s no other option but to cut it off.

Body covered in ashes, hair grown long and matted, beard covering most of the face accept my two lonely searching eyes. It was easy to become a Sadhu, all you needed was an appearance. Longing still felt, attachment was still there, sense of pride still existed, just the appearance changed and this itself was the biggest obstacle in my search.

We had started towards our final journey, to the source from where Ganga emerged. I had quite lost interest by now and it just felt going to another tourist spot. Mind divided again yet feet kept walking. Gopala had sensed my restlessness, the way he smiled gave it all, yet he never intervened.

Gangotri, the divine place, a small heaven it was. Felt the cold clear water of Ganga on my face and my entire being got cleansed. Sat on it’s bank, meditated, slept, stared, slept again and then again meditated. On the third day, with the first ray of sun, I got up and walked towards the woods as if guided by an inner force. Not for a moment did I look back at my sleeping friends. When reached deep in the woods, with no trace of any existing path, I suddenly stopped. Right in front of me, not more than 200 meters away, partially hidden in the bushes, was a majestic, beautiful Bull. It stared right at me, unmoving and I did the same to him. After moments which felt like ages, my body became limp, my eyes drooped and I felt completely drained and exhausted. I tried to keep my eyes open but in vain, my head spinning, my knees week I was about to fall in the ground when for a flash of a moment I saw the bull open its mouth, as if it smiled and then I fell down and everything went dark.

Advait part 7 (Circle)

2008-03-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

First step like always is most difficult...Life tests your soul to make sure if you are ready for the journey.

Clearly it was not easy for me either. Walking for miles, sleeping on pavements, begging for food and doing almost everything, which a homeless beggar would do. Yet there was something significantly distinct about our group. There was bhakti, an enthusiastic devotion for lord Shiva, who is the supreme destroyer. Day and night we would sing, chant and dance as we went along. Smoking pot was considered as Prasad, so no wonder most of the time we were high and thought that rest of the world as maya. After many nights and many days, we reached ‘Haridwar’, an ancient Hindu city where Ganga emerges from himalayas. We decided to stay in this city for few days before we proceeded further.
Getting food and shelter was never a problem for us, being a Sadhu is a privilege in India and most of the time we are offered food by people who are starving themselves. Was it love for dharma or fear of sin, which drew the masses to these temples? Temples, which meant a structure reserved for religious or spiritual activities, or house of gods had become more of a market place and the pundits its businessmen. There was a fee for everything, the deeper your pockets the better was your relationship with the gods.
I had started to get anxious looking at this state where everybody followed each other like sheep without making an effort to really know the meaning of what they were doing. When I thought about it, it struck me suddenly that wasn’t I doing the same thing, what was I looking for? Why was I following?
Answer which came from within was, “May be to find the reason to what to look for and what to follow?”
But are these Sadhus also looking for what I am searching?
No! they have dedicated their life to Shiva and they are just roaming.
But what for? There has to be a reason? No one does nothing without a reason.
Their cause itself is a reason, their devotion is their way of life.
It makes no sense, I have to find a meaning to my life and this all seems like a circle. And I felt stuck in the same web of life.

Advait part 6 (The River)

2008-03-23T23:47:00.000-07:00

Did I always wanted to do this? or was it another escape another illusion ? One thing for sure, my heart longed for it. What lies deep within somehow manifest through our actions. After my Diksha I was accepted in the group, two days from now we’ll be leaving Varanasi and proceeding towards the origin of river Ganga, in the Himalayas. I suddenly felt lighter, in body and spirit. For long I have been trying hard to make my life work, now I wanted to let it flow. It was my first lesson from the river.

I know I am not a bad person, nobody is. In root we are all divine, yet I know I have caused grief to people who loved me, maybe still causing now with my sudden disappearance. Ever wonder if you could see you own death? Creating a void and witness how others react to it. Who would really miss me? My wife who had long left me tired of my eccentric ness, how would she react? I am sure she must have known about it by now. Another escape or self-indulgence of my narcissist behavior, she must be thinking.

Live you must, right or wrong, who knows? Who decides? There’s no strength to justify my actions. I accept. I am.

It wasn’t that difficult to fit in this new world of renunciates. I could sense their skepticism yet no body bothered me. Nine are the Avtaras of Vishnu and nine are us in the group. Lead by Baba, the eldest one and followed by Gopala the youngest and most restless one. Most of them were quite old and usually lost in their own world of singing, chanting and smoking. Gopala, with mischievous little eyes, short height, plump face, barely in his twenties, was curious and I knew he paid special attention to me. Today in the temple it was he who got food for me when I couldn’t gather courage to go and ask from the devotees who distributed in a celebration of fulfillment of a desire.
“Not everybody has the opportunity to give so bless him by receiving.” Said Gopala. I was pleasantly surprised. He came out to be wiser than I thought. With thankfulness I accepted and we ate in silence.
“So what do you search for?” Gopala broke the silence in an attempt to be familiar.
“Do we all not search for the same thing ?” I smiled
“what? Enlightenment?”
“If that is what you want to call it?”
“Hmmm munde munde matir bhinna”
“Whats that?”
“Various heads various ideas.”
We both laughed. I after ages. It felt good.

On the third day, when the moon was full, city was asleep. We nine started our journey towards the north.
Like river, I knew, let it go, let it flow, life knows.

Advait part 5 (The Burning Ghat)

2008-03-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

After the customary bath in Ganga, I proceeded towards the holiest of holy temple in Banaras. Passing through the narrow lanes, filled with small shopkeepers, sadhus and cows I finally reached the ancient Shiva temple.

The moment I entered the temple premises, something happened, something profound, my heart skipped a beat….I immediately felt I knew this place although I was visiting it for the first time, it felt familiar, it felt known, it felt Home. I felt weak in my knees but something powerful was pulling me towards the inner temple. I obeyed. Thoughtless I walked through the corridors as if I had walked here thousands of times, straight I reached to inner sanctum where Shivling was. The mere glimpse of it made my eyes closed, my lips murmured the Shiva mantra and some more Sanskrit shlokas unknown to me. I lost track of time and place, my eyes felt heavy but my body felt like a dry leaf falling from a tree. A ray of light pierced my heart, illuminating my mind body and soul.

By the time I came out of temple, my heart had already made a decision. I felt determined and there was no trace of insecurity or doubt. In a small restaurant I had my lunch in peace.

Evening came and I sat on the ghat steps watching evening aarti mesmerized. Very rare you see a river being worshipped. Till late I sat there watching the lamps floating in the water. It was time to let go. Slowly sleep took over me and after years of restless nights I finally dreamt. A beautiful tomorrow.

At 5 in the morning, In manikarnika ghat where people die and body is burned, my soul is reborn. Head shaved, my clothes burn with my hair. My belongings given to the pundits. I decided to take a pilgrimage with other sadhus to do a parikrama of ganga.

Kashi, next to a river, in water, where it all begins and all end, my new life enfolds.

City of Death (Advait: part 4)

2008-03-02T09:12:00.000-08:00

It was past midnight when I reached Baneras, also known as Kashi, also known as city of death. People come here to die, to attain nirvana. I had an eerie feeling that my destiny had called me for something similar.

I slowly came down from the train. My entire body was hurting from the long journey, yet I could feel a certain sense of excitement in my heart. I also felt knots in my stomach; it was similar to the ones I got when I went to my school after holidays. A porter came offering his help to pick my luggage, I realized I had none. I surprisingly smiled at him and said ‘Thanks but I don’t have any luggage except this body’. I walked out of the little station and looked around. Winters hadn’t started, yet I felt cold. With no warm clothes other than just a shawl I had, I decided to sit near the little tea stall to feel the warmth from its stove.

Kashi has a very significant place in Hindu mythology. Ganga which flows on its bank got its birth from the jata (Hair) of Shiva. Almost all ancient Sages, Rishis, Kings, & pauper made a pilgrimage here. This city calls you when you need to come here.

Chai did good to me, refreshed I got up and started walking without taking any Rickshaw or auto. I walked as if I knew these lanes, I felt I belonged here. Modern India and tourism had destroyed the essence of this place yet there was something mystical in the air. I reached Assi Ghats and sat on its steps gazing in the darkness. This was the same place where hundreds of years back, Tulsidas wrote the great Ramayana. There was still some time before the sunrise. Effortlessly I had the urge to close my eyes and sit cross legged in meditation. I did as I felt. No thoughts, just empty space in my little mind. Peace came. Don’t know how long I sat, When I opened my eyes the sky had started to turn crimson.

Bells rang, temples gates opened, Pundits started chanting, salesmen prepared their stalls, ferrymen took out their boats, people rushed to bathe in the holy water and within moments, before even the sun rose…the grand old city woke up, just like from a deep meditation.

Stories (Advait part 3)

2008-02-22T22:11:00.000-08:00

I don’t know how long, I slept. My dreams never made sense to me. They always felt obscure, fragmented, and sometimes very claustrophobic. They woke me up sometimes, feeling scared and isolated.

I went to a boarding school at the age of 5, at the time when I couldn’t even tie my shoelaces or my pajamas. I don’t even have clear memories of my childhood, they too like my dreams are fragmented. Maybe someday like a puzzle it will all come together. Everyday after dinner, we had play-time and a very favorite teacher of mine would tell us stories. Although I don’t quite remember those stories but it did for sure made a deep impact in my fragile mind. Who knew years down the lane I was being prepared to be a storyteller.

Stories are addictive, because like any other drugs it takes you into it’s own world, where you are the creator. Ask any filmmaker, how high they get when they are making their films, away from the reality we enter our own world. No wonder so easily we detach from everything which is real, not appreciating what we have, always running after the mirage. Before I realized my life had blurred the line between my existing reality and my fictitious world. One had to surrender, one had to be merged in another, one had to loose its identity, it was just not possible for them to co-exist. My greatest fear won, my creation, my stories, my fairy land, my escapist heart won….and thus leaving me…Alone.

Calling (Advait: part 2)

2008-02-21T21:33:00.000-08:00

11 am, I find myself sitting in the third compartment of a train. I try to hide my face as few passers by, try to look and give this known familiar look, as if they are best of my friends. I am clearly a misfit, with my fancy clothes and sophisticated grooming. I look out of the window and notice a small pool of water in the platform, I can even see, a not so clear image of myself in it. How did I find myself here? Life seems to have slowed down around me, as if in trance, I can vaguely remember last evening, when it was all perfect, till I lost myself.

I got up fairly early today, may be I never slept, although I don’t feel tired. I think it was a dreamless sleep. It was 5am and it was still dark outside. Without any effort, which was surprising, I got up and took shower. Allowed the warm water to hit my body, felt every single drop, as if for the first time I was taking a bath. Don’t know how long I was there, felt forever. And when the water and I had become one, I closed it and just stood, staring right into the mirror, which was misty due to heat. Slowly, teasingly, the mirror became clearer and revealed my naked self. I was still staring, as if looking at a whole different person. My nakedness didn’t amuse me nor did I felt to cover myself. My right hand slowly lifted itself and caressed my cheeks, as my mother did when I was a kid to make me sleep, as my lover did when I was in college to show her love, as my wife did when I was worried to take my pain. I felt my wrinkles, life had passed by, much faster than I had realized. Lost in my unlived life I closed my eyes.

A loud cough bought me back to the train station. I realized an elderly person had taken a seat before me and had just spit on the water pool I was staring at. My image of myself was again distorted. I looked around and realized that my compartment was almost full and yet people were just pouring in. If it was any other day, I would have not stayed there for more than a second, but today I was oblivious to heat, sound, cries, shouting, smoking, and everything around me. I was centered, everything else seemed blurry.
Slowly the train started, as how it feels when the sand leaves your hand, it felt when the town I lived most of my life, slowly passed in front of my eyes. I felt the wind in my face and knew without a doubt, that very moment…..my journey had started.

Womb (Advait: part 1)

2008-02-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

And it just happened one day.

Right in the middle of a shoot, in the middle of a scene, in the middle of a multi million set, built to bring my dream to life.

Actor looks up to me, for directions, and finds me staring in to a deep void.

The cast is ready, the crew is ready, sound is on, lights are on, everyone waiting to hear the one magic word ‘Action’.

But instead, after a short pause, which seems a long eternity I slowly whisper
“ I have lost my inspiration”

And that’s how my story began, for the search of inspiration.

Hafiz

2008-02-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

Yatra

2008-02-18T03:59:00.000-08:00

"My feet are tired but my soul is rested"
- Gandhi ji

"Why did you do this pilgrimage ? and more important why did u decided to walk?" I asked Nipun and Guri when they came back after their pilgrimage.

There's something very sacred about walking, which stirs the soul and makes an everlasting impression. You connect. Nipun gave me an example of water, if you boil it and then let it cool down, it will still look the same, but the water has gone through this rigorous tapasya and has changed forever. This is what their journey did to them.

I have done little bit of traveling but now we are really looking forward to do a yatra in the footsteps of Gandhiji. Route is the road to Dandi. Reach there on 6th of april, the day when he broke the salt law and revolutionized India in 1930.

I can feel a sense of excitement building up, a sense of purpose engulfs my heart and can't wait to take the first step...

Monkey Mind

2008-02-16T06:12:00.000-08:00

As days pass and with minimum to do I am forced to look within and really make an effort to understand on what exactly I am seeking. If it is to find the truth, then am I being honest right now ? at this very moment ? or I am trying to distort my belief to my convenience.

I have a habit of saying a little bit of sin and little bit zen, but then are they really different ? I thought when I am in tune with myself, its Zen and vice versa, but then she asked me " Are we really ever out of tune with ourself ?" isn't this moment just perfect the way it should have been ?

So if thats true then there's really no division, no difference, it's all there in my monkey mind. so if they are both same then why not choose to just seek Zen, and know that there's no such thing as sin. Somehow it sounds all tricky, I am still not completely convinced...I am sure there will be a time when I will be able to feel the oneness in this division and my actions will be in perfect harmony with my being...

Till then seek the good :)

Our Highest Right

2008-02-15T05:20:00.001-08:00

Do we really have a will of our own? We all know we should follow our dreams but how do we know what's our dream, the real dream, the real meaning, the real task which we are born for. Our Highest Right...how do we decide that.

Mahabharat is such a good example of karma and destiny. Every single act of it seems like pre-destined yet everything depended on the current act of the characters. everyone knew everything which was going to happen, yet they played their part and did what was needed, what their dharma asked them to do, what felt their highest right. For everyone it was different.... fighting for Duryodhana, sacrificing for Karna, being silent for Bheeshma, enduring for Yudhishtara and playing the catalyst for Krishna.

Bliss is to be in tune with that highest sense right of our own, then right or wrong, moral or immoral, good and evil, all these doesn't really matter. You do what you are here to do. Even if you suffer doing it, there will be a joy in that suffering. There will be a pleasure in the pain. You'll be alive.

Joy in suffering :)

Love

2008-02-14T02:20:00.000-08:00

"Why does heart loves when it knows it will suffer? and the Master replied: "The fear of suffering is worst than the suffering itself."
-From the Alchemist

'Love', what is in this four letter word which evokes a rush of overwhelming emotion. How do you classify, how do you calculate, how do you decide how much you love someone. Can a love for someone be greater than the love for himself ? All the time in your life you meet people who say they have loved you, may be more than their own lives, but do they love you or the feeling of love which you evoke in their own heart which they love ? Because if they love you then why this insecurity to let you go. If it goes then it was never there.

Love blossoms when it is independent of itself. when you loose yourself in it without expecting what is the result. You just simply love. There's no reason, no doubts, no fear, no justifications. Like breathing, it is simply there. feel it and accept it.

How it would feel, to love like Meera Bai, who was so devoted to the blue one that it didn't really matter if Krishna had 1000 wives. She was his and he was her's. Simply accepted. No proof, no reassurance, no display, no waiting for any answer.

How it would feel to love like Krishna, who couldn't even get to be with the first and the most loved person of his life.

How it would feel to love like Buddha, to have the courage to leave his new born baby and yet be able to feel compassion for millions of strangers.

Heart is strange, it sends love in most unexpected ways and you don't have any choice but to surrender to this feeling. Because if you don't then your entire being is in question...

Just give up and love, be it yourself, your work, your lover, your friend, your parents or a complete stranger.

There's no escape so simply let go and loose yourself :)

Blessed Unrest

2008-02-13T00:27:00.000-08:00

Traveling from the known to the unknown requires crossing an abyss of emptiness. We first experience disorientation and confusion. Then if we are willing to cross the abyss in curious and playful wonder, we enter an expansive and untamed country that has its own rhythm. Time melts and thoughts become stories, music, poems, images, ideas. This is the intelligence of the heart, but by that I don't mean just the seat of our emotions. I mean a vast range of receptive and connective abilities, intuition, innovation, wisdom, creativity, sensitivity, the aesthetic, qualitative and meaning making. It is here that we uncover our purpose and passion.
--Dawna Markova, From "I Will Not Die an Unlived Life"

I am making an effort to write something else but somehow cannot ignore the deep restlessness within so yet again here's another contemplation of my current mind.

Initially I used to wait alone, now there are are so many waiting with me. waiting when we will be inspired enough to take another project, waiting to get the calling, waiting to be restless enough to start walking. Yet we know sometimes we have to just wait, because ripples happens in a calm lake and there's always calmness after the ripples.

I feel like Guido from the movie 8 1/2, entire team ready, looking up to me, and I feel lost. All we can do right now is take one step at a time, do what is in front of us and 'wait'. Like a duck, who seems too calm on the surface but if you look underwater, she is paddling furiously.

I somehow like this state of mind, it indicates that something is stirring, something is happening, a transformation is in process, we have not become too comfortable with our day to day existence.

This unrest is Blessed :)

A fistful of sand

2008-02-11T21:51:00.000-08:00

Ever tried taking sand in your fist and making an effort to not let it go ? Harder I tried to stop it, faster it slipped by, leaving marks on my palm. But if I just let it go, it would caress my hand, leaving behind a feeling of acceptance.

Nothing in this life is forever, everything came to go, everything leaves.
Be it object, person, emotion or life.

"Like all this will pass too" is a powerful Sutra which I try to remind myself, again and again. To submit to it, leaves a feeling of universal acceptance, to restrain is what creates the void, the emptiness in soul.

We human beings, love this void, we love this pain and thus keep causing to ourselves. Like a dog who doesn't know the taste of the bone he is chewing. The sharp bone causes his mouth to bleed, and in an illusion, dog loves the taste of it thinking it is from the bone.

This pain, this illusion, this suffering is what makes us human. No matter what we believe , we'll always try to hold that sand, clutch to our loved ones, secure our possessions...

because may be deep down we know, our time here is limited, so we desperately want it all...because in the end nothing remains....

In nothingness today

Courage to BE

2008-02-11T02:53:00.001-08:00

"The war cry will no more be with Marx and Mao: The spirit of revenge cannot build a new world. Only a revolution which leads to a higher sense of human dignity can lead to a higher and nobler way of life. Revolutions based on hatred and violence merely create a new class of exploiters and hatred and exploitation remain."

These are the words of Baba Amte, who recently passed away. A great social worker of his time who made a change by being one.
One thing I always wonder when I get to meet or hear about these wonderful people is 'How do they get the courage and persistence to do what they do?" It is easy to be hopeful and dreamer when you are in youth and want to take off to change the world but how exactly you keep you soul intact when you really take this karmic pilgrimage.
I believe the true spiritual saints are the one who are also karma yogis. There has to be a balance between the Mind, Heart and Body. One without the others is so incomplete. One without the others is mere an intellectual, physical or playful exercise.

The key as Dwarkoji had said, "Think globally work locally", "Find the truth through whatever you do" and the truth can be found, felt or experienced when we are in that harmony. And that is Bliss!!!

In that Karmic pilgrimage today :)

In spaces

2008-02-09T01:29:00.000-08:00

According to Hindu mythology, the entire universe is constructed and destructed in one day of Brhama. Pranayam which is one of the most ancient yoga sutra, is about inhaling and exhaling of breath. So on the same thought the entire creation and destruction is like the brahma's breath and it also in a metaphorical level reflects our entire lives.

We are nothing but a breath, life and death, sin and zen, passion and compassion, truth and false.....in short 'in' and 'out'.

Now what intrests me is the ....space between in these breaths, the moment of emptiness, the moment of reflection when there is no act happening, just silence or the preparation of the act to be followed. The beingness.

We human beings are so busy in making our life busy that we are scared to be in this state of nothingness. It makes us uncomfortable.

Now I , looking at my past have been feeling this state quite often. It happens when I finish a film, a project or an event. May be I am in that state again....I am not scared but yes little vulnerable, questioning my entire purpose and acts. Maybe I should just wait and let the blossoming happen.

In wait :)

Letting Go

2008-02-07T23:15:00.000-08:00

Once Gandhiji was going to address a huge crowd in some rural part of India. As he was walking towards the stage, a british journalist asks him: " Gandhiji, what are you going to talk about today?"
Gandhi ji looks up and with a smile says :" I am not there yet".

Its hard to be patient and wait for the moment to take over , specially when you are going to address thousands of people. But isn't it beautiful to be able to trust the universe and be able to be in 'NOW' fully present, fully there. To just be the instrument with out making any effort to do something. It's a beautiful state..and deep down our soul strives to be in that state forever.

I had a little glimpse of it when recently I went to give a small talk in few colleges, to invite students to build a community for using media for social change. I didn't feel the need to prerpare anything , just wanted to go and let the moment take over...

People I admire like Jayesh bhai, Nipun, dwarkoji..they have made their life as being. you can feel them present in doing whatever they do. There's no effort to do something. Something just manifests through them, through small act of kindness. every moment is a sadhna...

It reminds me the saint I met in Matar who so simply said: To become is human to BE is god.

In effortless today :)