window seat

Moving!

2008-01-10T08:41:00.000-08:00

Hi, just letting you know, I moved over to wordpress! Check it out-- http://jasminis.wordpress.com

2007 reflections

2007-12-31T22:05:00.000-08:00

In 2007...

I mourned the loss of innocence in the world and in myself.
But I rejoiced when it was born anew in so many ways.

I fell in love.

Community took on even more significance.
My sisters and brothers in Raleigh grew more precious.

I faced some fears.

Mortality reminded me of its grip on me and the lives of my loved ones.
The great cloud of witnesses surrounded, and witnessed (which freaked me out).

I gave birth.

I cried more than I wanted to.
But nothing made me happier than the laughter of my child.

I missed family.

I gained new friends in unexpected places.
And even met up with some old ones.

Sleep became elusive.

Read a few good books, saw some good movies.
But mostly, any down time was spent wanting to sleep.

I learned to appreciate my humanity even more.

And my spiritual life grew out of the mundane.
Out of the ordinary, every-day occurrences of life on this earth.

Changed many, many diapers.

I cooked, and it became a creative process and an outlet.
My body was made food for someone.

I thought a lot about hunger.

And Jesus kept me.
In the light, dark, and the murky in-between,
he kept me.

Goodbye old year, I am glad for the things you taught me.

all you need is love

2007-10-17T17:45:00.001-07:00

So here's Jubie meeting her first pastor. "Pastor the Conquistador" that is. She loved that dog! Thanks goes to Jenny for introducing them. I think it was love at first lick.

I have never loved anyone else the way I love her. It amazes me, what God gives--this good, challenging, growing thing of love. When Jesus said that we must become like little children to enter the kingdom of heaven, I don't think he meant, "be more innocent or more pure..." Be more, be more, be more...this is what we are constantly telling ourselves and yet, I don't know that he ever asks us to be more anything when he is more for us in us.

I think he was asking us to simply let him love us. Let him love unreservedly and extravagantly, even when we don't deserve it, don't feel as though we measure up. It's a hard thing for adults to let themselves be loved and to admit to needing it, but children--they have no qualms about expressing their need for love whenever and wherever it suits them. Whether it's being held, changed, fed, or played with, Jubilee tells me in her own baby way what she needs, and my response is always the same: I am here for you.

God is just like that, overwhelming more so! We just don't always accept it. But--He Is. And just as Jubilee will get older and my expressions of love for her change in response to her growth and maturity, God takes me deeper into his love as I age in him. I suppose this is what relationship with him is all about.

I was feeling a bit down in the dumps before I started this post.
It's been one of those "I could tear my hair out weep a thousand tears eat a pint of ben-and-jerry's" days, if you know what I mean. And I won't say that magically everything is better now, but I definitely feel my spirit lifted a bit when I think about the riches of his graceful love. It's like digging your fingers into dark, loamy, soil to plant a seed. That seed may have fallen into its tomb of dirt, but it is there, surrounded by darkness, that it is given the nutrients it needs to break forth, sprout, and grow.

And because I love this song...because this is a feel good post...
All You Need is Love! Sing it with me now...

bragging rights

2007-10-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

Not much time to write a decent post, but here are some pictures taken with me and Jubilee at our "play" group...

I love this last one with the three girls together--it's hilarious to try and get them to all look at the same thing. Not happening.

And here's one of just Jubes.

Okay, so I seriously think I have bragging rights. I mean, she's just the cutest baby ever, right?

Food

2007-09-25T13:06:00.000-07:00

I've just come from the kitchen where I was slicing potatoes (that will eventually be mashed) for dinner. I've been mulling over recipe ideas and food all day, from everything to wondering if I can master bernaise and hollandaise sauce, to an autumn butternut squash dish, to giant caramel and chocolate chip cookies I want to bake and send my little sister who's now in college. The thought finally hit me today--I really enjoy cooking. I like to get my fingers gooey from mashing ripe bananas for banana bread, I like it when I find a streak of flour across my cheek, and I almost immediately begin drooling from the aroma of garlic and onion being sauteed in olive oil. I'm no gourmet chef, but there is such pleasure and beauty to be found in the simple act of creating sustenance that can be delighted in from raw materials, which in some form or fashion have come from the earth. There is something truly spiritual about it.

Being home most of the day with the kiddo and husband (who works from home) means that I spend a lot of time in the kitchen. So I'm very grateful for the opportunity to participate in something like prayer as I "slave all day" over the stove! I doubt Jesus spent much time in the kitchen during his time on earth. But perhaps he felt the same way when he bent over wood, to cut and sand and shape it into a thing of beauty.

Now, he's declared himself to be food and drink--taste and see that he is good. What a wonderful image. What a frightening image. Take me in, he says. Ingest me. Digest me. Let me become a part of you, fuel you, keep you alive.

Hunger for me, and I will satisfy. I am the hunger. I am the food. I am all. I am.

I can't pretend to fully understand this, but I know that it is truth. So I suppose I am grateful for hunger as well since it leads us to him. Gives us a picture of the state of our spirits.

But then I think about hunger in the natural realm, and should I be grateful for that? Sure, I can say that I am grateful for hunger when I know that I have a way to satisfy that hunger right behind my refrigerator door, or across the street at the grocery store, or down the way at Chick-fil-A. But what about those who are truly hungry, with no foreseeable way to fulfill their need?

Feed my sheep, he says. It's easy to feed my family. It's also easy to feed my friends. It's a joy to sit around the dinner table with a good glass of wine, maybe some herb-roasted chicken and asparagus, and fresh bread, and be surrounded in the comfort of those I know and love. There is great good in that. But there is also good to be found in having the stranger, the "other" (i.e. a truly hungry person) sitting across from me at the table. I'd like to take steps to being able to do that. Whether that means eventually opening a food pantry alongside Mike like Sara Miles does (which she talks about in her book Take This Bread) or just getting up the guts to invite someone I'm less than comfortable with in for a meal, I know that I want to share this joy I have for cooking with whomever I can.

Ha. I almost wrote "the joy of cooking." (No, I do not own that cookbook.)

And on that note, I think I should get to bed. I have a little one who will probably be expressing her hunger at a less than optimal hour of night. Now I'll have that Checkers commercial ringing through me head...

You gotta eat!

Relief

2007-08-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

a recent scribblin' of mine:

Relief

Solitude is my lover
is my lord climbing
curves of a mountain
escape when the need
was too great
is my god who six
days into creation
finished his act of love's
making and heaving
a satisfied sigh sunk
into the best kind
of drowning.

guilty pleasures

2007-08-23T19:16:00.001-07:00

Upon becoming a mother, it seems that I have given myself permission to indulge my guilty pleasures. I bashfully admit to repeatedly watching episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, reading In Style magazine, eating McDonald's french fries, and belting out whatever sappy, ballad-y, worthy-of-being-played-on-Delilah's station love songs while driving alone in the car with the windows down.

Don't judge me.

I admit these things to you because 1) because I am tired and don't know how to keep my mouth shut, or rather, my fingers quiet 2) because confession cleanses the soul and 3) because I'm curious to know what everybody else's little indulgences are.

Well, that's enough of that.

I haven't gotten too far in Wilber's The Marriage of Sense and Soul, primarily because it is a book that requires a concentrated burst of my attention, and that comes few and far between these days. But, I did pick up an old book of poetry I have, Animal Soul, by Bob Hicok, and fell in love with it all over again. Here are a couple of lines from the opening poem in Animal Soul, "Whither Thou Goest":

Fish can have mad cow disease and I have a problem
with that...

I'm not ashamed to admit that my prayers are no longer
unconscious but loud and practiced
to the skin of the mirror to the muse
of the cereal box to the road as I drive...
...pushing veneration through my body makes god
exist if only for a second
within the chambered nuances of breath.

Yes, I did violence to the poem by breaking up the lines and taking some out of context, but hey, I'm allowed take a knife to the meat of words every once in awhile. It's like I'm cooking you my own word-y stew (sorry Bob). Anyhow, these few lines make me smile and sigh with something like relief. Just like admitting that even after Fast Food Nation I still enjoy french fries, and that I can occasionally be one of those obnoxious people who play annoying music in the car and roll their windows down so you can hear it too.

This may be self-involved, but my life is all about finding whatever relief I can get right now.

And that would include writing this post.

So, thanks for the indulgence.

And here's my parting shot...

very blessed!

2007-08-10T11:34:00.001-07:00

Are they the cutest or what? I'm just so in love...

On another note--been reading The Marriage of Sense and Soul by Ken Wilber. Not my typical reading, no, but it's definitely fascinating. I would post more, but I hear a hungry little one calling, or grunting as she is rather prone to do.

When there's more time I'll get back to Ken.

Jubilee!

2007-07-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

I finally climbed out of the stone age and realized that I could upload pictures from my camera phone to the computer. So...here's a few of my Jubilee, my joy :)

These first two were taken on her birthday. I'm sure she's thinking, "my-oh-my it's cold out here...so I'd do what anyone would do--sleep."

And here she is today...

Brief Update

2007-07-21T07:40:00.000-07:00

For anybody who's interested, I recently wrote a brief church update...

(And I apologize in advance for not posting pictures of Jubie, I will as soon as I can!)

This summer has been full of changes for the church--Amanda and Phil were married and moved to Maryland, we're considering neighborhoods, and of course, Mike and I welcomed Jubilee Grace into the world! And amidst the changes, the church has been going through the first part of Ephesians, attempting to look at the letter with fresh eyes, free from preconceived ideas and notions about our relationship to the Lord and about our Lord himself.

But honestly, I've received more encouragement and more of the Lord through the saints themselves than I have by looking at the letter to the Ephesians. For me, the past several months have been either about being pregnant or about being a new mom--carrying her outside the womb has definitely been more of a challenge than carrying her inside! So, my "spiritual" moments have come when I'm sitting quietly with Jubilee and feeding her, when a sister drops by to bring dinner (or does my laundry, or takes care of a sink full of dirty dishes), and when a brother talks gently with Jubilee or tries lulling her to sleep with a guitar. When Paul says to the Ephesians, "blessed be the God and Father of our Lord, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places...," I am less likely to view "every spiritual blessing" as some ethereal, other-worldly thing, and now more likely to recognize the blessing of stolen, precious moments of time with the saints, my family here in Raleigh.

This does not minimize, however, how much I miss my family (my blood relatives and the church!) in Atlanta, or how much I miss the city itself. I was a military brat, and Atlanta was the first place we "settled." So, it became home in a way that no other place had, and leaving it has been much harder than I anticipated, especially as I deal with the challenges and joys of new motherhood. There have been a lot of adjustments made and space created for growth.

On a completely random note...isn't it the strangest thing the way tao is pronounced?

Jubilee Grace

2007-06-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm biased, but I have the cutest kid in the world :) Especially when she's making her "I'm having a crazy explosion in my diaper" face.

Sorry, no time to post pics, which probably means no time to post much at all in the near future.

We'll see if this blog survives.

So, I guess I'll say ciao for now.

A Sleepy Spirit

2007-05-14T10:18:00.000-07:00

Come sleep! O sleep the certain knot of peace,
The baiting place of wit, the balm of woe,
The poor man's wealth, the prisoner's release,
Th' indifferent judge between the high and low;
With shield of proof shield me from out the prease [throng]
Of those fierce darts Despair at me doth throw:
O make in me those civil wars to cease;
I will good tribute pay if thou do so...

(from stanza 39, Astrophil and Stella, Sir Philip Sidney)

Sleeping well seems like a rare luxury these days, and I know it only promises to be more of a precious commodity once the baby arrives (little less than a month 'til her due date!). My size + frequent bathroom visits = tossing, turning, and a groggy Jasmin in the morning. Come sleep! Anytime, anywhere. I long for that certain knot of peace...

And yet, I want so badly to be awake. I want to be awake and aware of the movement of this life inside me, I want to savor the labor of cooking a good meal, or sitting in relatively undisturbed quiet to read, or cleaning up around the house, and even working. My mind wants to be about the business of living, but my body is asking me to slow down, take it easy, sleep...

My spirit feels sleepy as well, and I want it to be awake! Dryness isn't quite the right word to describe what I'm sensing; knotted, tied up, pre-occupied, might be right if I could make one word out of the three. A knot of peace is where I find myself. Feeling peaceful with the state of things, but there is some tension there was well. I know He isn't expecting me to be a "perfect" Christian and bathe everyone around me constantly in love, compassion, and kindness, isn't expecting me to give my all in a passionate fight for justice, the poor, and downtrodden, I don't even think He expects me to always have my eyes turned toward Him...But, that doesn't stop me from wanting these things, wanting to feel awake and aware.

The nice thing about Him though is that like any good lover, He loves without expectation or demands. He loves in total freedom and total abundance. So, I suppose that makes it easier to accept my sleepiness, knowing that it too is from Him. He gives us good and perfect gifts, so we should by all means, accept!

A church is a church of course of course of course...

2007-04-29T11:31:00.000-07:00

I can't help myself...Now, this is someone who knows true church life.

Nightmares

2007-04-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those days where I need to be reminded of what I just said yesterday...it is better to be amused than be angry.

But, I just woke up pissed off, mostly because I had a series of nightmares; it was as if every single one of my deepest fears decided to emerge from my subconscious last night.

~My husband professes his undying love and affection for someone else, but decides that he'll condescend to stay with me out of obligation

~I am a superhero, but no matter how powerful I am, my nemesis is always more powerful, and beats me at everything

~I am haunted/possessed by some kind of monster/demon

And the worst of them...

~My baby dies right before she is born and everyone blames me for it. Then the doctors proceed to tell me that she'll have to "fester" in my womb until she just disintergrates, that's the price I pay for being a bad fetal-caretaker

Aren't those terrible? And I'm one of those people that can't shake a bad dream for at least a day afterward.

So my morning is poisoned by the remnants of these nightmares. I want to kill Mike for asking me a simple question about what we were going to eat for lunch.

I don't know! I'd like to scream, sick of menu-planning and kitchen time. MAKE YOUR OWN LUNCH.

I check my email and it is full of spam and forwards. Why in the world do I give my email address out to anyone?!

Someone takes my primo parking space after I've been waiting for it for what seems like hours. You jerk!!! I shout from the privacy of the car. If only you could see that you just screwed over a pregnant lady...!

I scowl at all the happy Whole Foods shoppers when I go grocery shopping. While I'm in line checking out, the bagger girl asks me, quite innocently if I need my shopping cart anymore, ready to whisk it away. Oh you sweet, daft, hippie, can't you see that I am very pregnant, and not about to carry a bunch of bags out to my car without that lovely cart?

This is all very funny, right? I should be laughing my head off, chanting my own little mantra: It is better to amused than angry. I think God might be laughing at me a little anyway. I might as well join Him, right? Don't you have days that you feel this way?

And these darned weasels are still sitting on top of the printer. (Please don't ask.)

I'll be better tomorrow.

a little of this, a little of that

2007-04-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

So, I haven't posted in a looong time, but I think I have a pretty good excuse. I just haven't felt like it, and when you're pregnant, you can use this excuse to get out of doing many things. I'm not sure exactly why I even feel a responsibility to keep blogging...who's reading anyway? But here I am, feeling responsible.

Do I have special things to say? Not much. I heard the most beautiful music the other day in the car. I'm not kidding you; it made me tear up. "The Prayer of St. Greogry," Alan Hovhaness, on the album Celestial Gate. Really, it's very lovely.

Been reading a little gem by Frederick Buechner called The Storm. I've never read him before now and always meant to. I'm glad I am.

Been learning...It is much better to be amused than be angry.

This makes life so much smoother.

I mean husbands are funny creatures,
stretch marks are funny reminders,
friends who bashfully put their foot in their mouth are even funnier (and flexible),
and piping hot weasels on sticks that are perched atop our printer are just plain hilarious.

Why? I ask the gods. Why am I looking at weasels on sticks? They just laugh in response, so I must laugh as well.

Yes, much better to laugh than to sweat the small stuff. Or the big stuff even. Phil borrowed a good post about this on April 22, which I will in turn borrow and tell you to check it out!

Hm, do I have much more to spew? Not for tonight. So, I bid you adieu.

Star Trek Cribs

2007-03-20T20:06:00.000-07:00

I know this makes two blogs in one day...but I couldn't resist:

Embarrassing Moments

2007-03-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday! And though I had to begin my morning with a Dr.s appt., I am in good spirits. Lil' Jubilee is looking good, so I couldn't really ask for a better gift than that could I? I got to hear my daughter's heartbeat again on my birthday. Just awesome.

This past weekend I had a sister's sleepover for my birthday, since I figured I wouldn't be able to do anything like that in the near future. It was great fun--they really spoiled me, I had all of my favorite foods and got waited on hand and foot. We stayed up until about 4 or 5 in the morning like 6th graders.

Over the course of the evening, we played the game "never have I ever..." which was more just like, "truth" without the "dare" part. Of course, we had to tell our most embarrassing moments, and in the spirit of sharing, I thought I'd tell this story:

Two years ago, Mike and I were in Denver, Co. for the CBA (otherwise known as the "pimp your Christian wares" convention. I swear, if Jesus were to step in there, in the flesh, he'd be just as angry as he was in the temple with the money-changers.) We were gearing up to meet with several different publishers, agents, and marketing people, and just generally make as many different connections as we could. The entire week is one HUGE time to gather free books and/or stuff and sell yourself basically.

I feel absolutely awful in this kind of environment. I'm not a salesperson and I don't like "pitching" ideas or proposals. It was the first time I'd gone with an "agenda"--I was going to be pitching my novel to two or three different editors, and I was a nervous wreck. Literally. I don't know why I got so worked up, but I was seriously the most nervous I'd ever been in my entire life.

On the day that we were meeting with one of the "big" senior editors at a big publishing house, I was already so sick of telling people about myself, I didn't know if I could do it again when we had our meeting with him. (I don't know if you understand this feeling, but to me, having to constantly sell myself is super draining.) All these what ifs were floating around in my head, and the pressure was really getting to me.

*It should be mentioned that at the CBA, you have these name badges that say your name (duh), where you are from, and who you are there with (either a publisher or a retailer). When Mike and I go, we go as guests of Destiny Image Publishing, which is Pennsylvania. So our badges always say that we're with them and from PA, and when people asked about Pennsylvania or Destiny Image we'd have to explain, "well we're actually guests of the publishers who are from Atlanta and work as freelancers." Not a big deal, but kind of convoluted and a pain. If you weren't required to wear them to be on the show floor, I wouldn't bother with mine, but the big, bad, CBA bodyguards won't let you in without one.

So, on this day that I'm so nervous my bowels wanna empty themselves every 5 minutes, Mike and I were standing in line to get (yet another) book signed by the author. I finally get to the guy, who turns out to be young and pretty cute too.

(Check out his book if you want: Mike Yankoski--Under the Overpass)

We start making small talk, which was nice of him, but then again, maybe his line was just short, I don't remember. He looks at my name badge and asks, very innocently and like most everyone else already has, something like, "So you're with Destiny Image?" or "Oh so you're from Pennsylvania?"

I kind of just stared at him, this young Christian stud in a great suit and dazzling smile, and I am suddenly overwhelmed with having to answer this simple question again. I'm sure my eyes started bugging out.

Awkward silence ensues.

I finally manage to mumble something in response about the freelance writing, and I must've mentioned my book pitch because then he asks, "Oh? So, what's your book about?"

Oh God. Now I have to tell him too.

A longer moment of awkward silence ensues. He looks behind me, already dismissing me.

I know that I am about to start shaking and crying and generally making a fool of myself. He is staring back at me with that painted smile, and I wonder if he thinks I'm mildly retarded. (He was probably thinking, Aw, how cute, she thinks she can write a book...)

My hands are fluttering around, and I'm shifting my weight back and forth on my feet. "Well, my book, well...I just...I'm sorry, I can't...I don't really know how to explain it...I can't talk right now," I find myself saying frantically.

Tears start to well up in my eyes.

He responds, "That's okay. Have a blessed day." He's still smiling at me, but he kind of nods as if to say, "Okay, gotta get this freak-o through the line." He hands me back his book after he's signed it. I wonder if anyone in the line behind me has witnessed this exchange. I grab the book and dash off, looking for a quiet place to be mortified.

Mike catches up with me pretty soon, and at first he's got this bemused smile on his face. "What's wrong? Did you get nervous in front of a hot guy?" he asked me.

I did start crying then, because Mike stopped teasing me and he hurried me off the floor so we could go have lunch (where I threw back a beer and took these "calm" herbal pills, maybe not a good idea to take both at once, but I did).

You will be happy to know that I did eventually calm down, and our meeting with this particular editor went super well (after reading a sample, he gave me a standing invitation to submit my book once I was finished, which is pretty awesome and does not happen every day for first time authors w/out agents).

I still feel like I'm blushing whenever I think of that.

Here's to being ridiculous!

I am so in love

2007-03-08T08:11:00.000-08:00

with life. I mean, how can I not be?

I'm having a baby girl! And she's already so precious.

It's springtime. The tree outside our office window is budding these pretty red blooms.

My husband will empty the dishwasher for me (which I HATE doing).

The church is around me and so dear.

I can still go out late to a (smoke-free! yipee!) bar and drink cranberry juice, and then go out for pizza later.

Berries are in season.

Amy got Jubilee the cutest and sweetest dress.

No allergy problems yet.

My birthday is coming up! Can we say "mother-to-be" massages and pampering?

Work is picking up. And I get to work from home.

It's Lent, and this just gives me an "excuse" to be reminded of the Lord in special ways each day.

It's getting harder to bend over and tie my shoes, and I think this is hilarious. Good thing I can wear flip-flops soon.

Thanks Lord for good things!

V-Day

2007-02-14T07:28:00.000-08:00

It's a little strange to be celebrating Valentine's Day as a pregnant woman. I am in a completely different frame of mind now, than when celebrating as a newlywed a year ago. But I'm glad. I actually feel a lot more, TONS more, in love with my husband this year than I did then. He's been so patient and helpful as we navigate my crazy emotional waters. Hurrah for supportive and loving husbands!

Found the sweetest bassinet on Craig's list. Craig's list is awesome. It was so cheap and looks barely used.

I was in Target yesterday and saw so many women scrambling for last minute goodies for their kids to take to class (at least, I'm assuming they weren't buying the Ninja Turtle Valentines for their husbands. Actually, I'm surprised I didn't see more men in there buying last minute chocolate hearts. Well, maybe that's today). It is truly amazing how hoildays sucker us in to buy, buy, buy... And even though feeding the corporate giants isn't my idea of a true celebration, I still don't mind the fact that almost every month they've created a holiday for me. I love an excuse to reflect, to appreciate, to love, to throw a party...Would we come up with reasons to come together with family and friends if we didn't have the excuse? It may be a strange source to credit for community gathering, but I am thankful in a small way to Hallmark and their friends' gimmicks.

slavery in the movies

2007-02-07T07:30:00.000-08:00

I'm glad somebody's getting busted for this.

As I am reminded that the children in those videos were probably part of the slave trade that is still alive and well today (albeit in a different form now than in the past), I could easily be overwhelmed and disheartened. But just as quickly, I realize that I know plenty of people who are working so hard to bring this evil to light. Awareness is the first step. And what better way to get the American people's attention than movies? There are two movies coming out relatively soon that I'd like to see.

Almost 200 years ago, William Wilberforce succeeded in leading a parlimentary campaign against the transatlantic slave trade. The movie about his life, Amazing Grace, obviously takes place in the past, but I think it will serve as a good prompt for opening up discussion about our current problem with slavery. Yes, this movie is brought to us by Walden Media, the same guys who did Narnia and more recently, The Bridge to Terabithia. So, I have a feeling that Amazing Grace will be very friendly and tame. Nothing wrong with that; it's just that if you like a little edge in your movies, I doubt there will be much edge found here. I'm sure it's definitely worth seeing and then doing some research on it for historical accuracy and all that. What's the quote..."those who don't know the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them..."?

Trade, will probably be a bit grittier than AG, but no less worth seeing. It deals with slavery in our day and age. I'm just hoping that it's not so sensational that it doesn't get taken seriously.

I'd like to write more, but I'm afraid I have to wrap up this post and get to work...

family fun

2007-02-05T07:26:00.000-08:00

I woke up earlier than I normally do this morning--I should probably always be getting up at this time--and couldn't go back to sleep because my head was filled with thoughts of the upcoming day. As I watched the quality of light shift and change and felt my girl moving around inside me, I thought, I am pretty much perfectly happy in this moment. Thanks Lord for the opportunity to be still.

I've been wanting to blog about Pan's Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno) since last Sunday, but haven't gotten around to it yet. And since I've been reading a lot about vaccinations (the pros and cons), I've been meaning to post about that too.

I've been teased about having "pregnancy brain." I can't seem to focus on much else other than the baby. It was always a little awkward for me to sit through a conversation where all the other people did was talk about their kids. But now I'm afraid I'll be the worst of them all. I suppose I should just relish it and let this time in my life be exactly what it is--preparation to be a mother. There will be time to be thoughtful, to get in shape, to be a "real" writer, to be whatever it is I think I should be, in time. I'm not sure what time that will be, but there's time.

It makes me thankful in a new way for the women in my family, the mothers, who came before me, strong and beautiful, nurturing and caring, who knew (and know) what it is to be absorbed by new life.

Aren't they great...

My mom's mom. Wasn't she a dish? Her name really was Queen Elizabeth. Pretty presumptuous of her family, huh? I still remember her singing "Wade in the Water" as I watched her cook in the kitchen.

Dad's mom. This picture was taken at my wedding...the last I have before she died. We both shared a love of Tony Bennett (she got to hang out with him once too).

Me and mom! We're both rockin' the 'fro. She claims that I was always happy like this picture...let's hope I have a happy baby too.

It seems to be something of a tradition in African-American families to revere your mother above all else--men may or may not be around to be strong daddies and husbands, but the women are there, and they can handle whatever needs to be handled, still praising God along the way.

Where would we have been if God didn't create Eve?

(I just realized that question could have so many different answers...I'm not sure I want to hear what some people might come up with. And no one better dare say, "without sin," because you know that Adam was standing right there with her when she ate that fruit. I think one of the reasons why he didn't stop her is because he was curious too--he wanted to see if she was going to drop down dead like God said. He just didn't have the guts to eat it first.)

Butterball Horrors

2007-01-30T14:50:00.000-08:00

I randomly ran across Butterball's House of Horrors, and I am ashamed to admit that I laughed in the beginning of the video clip. It may have been the cheesy title (Can you take the title Butterball's House of Horrors seriously?!), or the melodramatic feel of the whole thing that got me to giggling. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to dismiss PETA, or vegetarianism, or the sad treatment of these animals at all. I do happen to love eating poultry however, so I think I've reached a happy medium between abstaining completely and succumbing to Butterball.

Mike and I buy free range/organic meat whenever possible. I know it's a little more expensive, but in the long run, I feel better about eating something that has been fed well and stressed less in its life. It would be even better if we bought from some of the local farms that we visited not too long ago...but alas, it takes much more planning to do that, and what can I say? I guess we're lazy. It's no excuse. And yet, I'm using it as one.

Time to eat...

I'm not having an alien!

2007-01-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

It's human! In fact, she's a sweet, healthy little girl who had no problems showing off during the ultrasound. She was moving around so much that the Doc had a hard time keeping up. Oh my goodness, I can't wait to meet her!

There's still the possibility of complications. Keep us in prayer please :)

I gotta get back to work...I've already spent too much time online looking at kinds of baby related things, funny how the mind gets so preoccupied.

It

2007-01-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

I get to find out what the sex of the baby is tomorrow!!!! Excitement abounds! Now I can stop referring to my child as "it."

After all, if my baby looks anything like this guy, I'll have to be put on some kind of medication in order to be able to deal...

turning to Him

2007-01-18T08:32:00.000-08:00

It snowed while we slept last night, and now the day is wrapped in shades of gray and a sullen sort of white. I see some neighborhood kids throwing snowballs at each other and wonder if they had a snow day today from school. I bet when they woke up this morning they were so excited. Night snow always seems a little magical, doesn't it? When you go to sleep, the picture outside your window is mostly the same as its always been, but snow transforms a landscape into a thing of wonder.

I'm in a little bit of funk today. I've been editing, which is normally tedious work, but today the tedium has an edge. Mike's out interviewing a client to ghostwrite a book about the history of college basketball in the Raleigh-Durham area, which is something I imagine he might be finding tedious as well. I'm finishing up an egg and cheese bagel I made, and Sufjan Stevens is weaving my background music today.

I'm in a funk, and I feel crummy. Stress, stress, stress can be such a distraction from what really matters. We've been attempting to start afresh as a church and pursue the Lord together wholeheartedly, enjoying Him by taking initiative to enjoy Him. I am excited about this, but with everything, I approach it tentatively, and try not to get my hopes up too much. In order to soften the sting of disappointment and failure, I end up ruining whatever excitement I might have.

Lord, as with everything else, I turn to you with a breath, heave myself into your lap, and know that you will take care of all.