Talk to the Camel

english

2009-05-08T14:29:00.002-04:00

I remember the first day that the blond brought him into my field of view....I felt it then, I feel it now.

I love the ging, but there is something unfinished between me and English. I flirt shamelessly and the fact of the matter is that his company makes my stomach squirm.

I don't know if he feels it too....I sometimes wonder if his bitterness has something to do with me. But sometimes when we talk I feel that connection and I always leave wishing for more.

It's pathetic, I know. It's not like I didn't have my chance (and screwed it up). It's not like I would jeopardize what I have now. But every time I am with him, I wish that I could be single for just a little while so I could be with him.

Instead I enjoy the patio beers and pretend that I'm not hoping he'll show up when I call my other patio pal.

I wonder if it would help if we talked about it.

supermarket social

2008-10-15T22:51:00.002-04:00

What can I do about her? I'm not a trained psychologist. All I can do is offer my level-headed, honest opinion and make suggestions.

I mean well.

And I really thought we were getting somewhere today. But she just is not quite ready to accept that she has to be responsible for she. And it all ended with her being rude to me.

And I called to say that I wasn't doing all those things she said I was. But of the message, I remember most telling her that if she didn't want my help that I had plenty of homework I could do instead of listening to her problems.

Why say that? She doesn't need to be made to feel guilty. It doesn't help.

But where is my release?

sigh

2008-02-12T19:50:00.000-05:00

It seems terribly obvious that the other is not interested or has come to the assumption that I am not interested in him. Either way, I felt very silly today. I mean I probably shouldn't have but I did....we were leaving climbing and as always needed a ride home....God I hate asking for rides....but it just isn't safe for me to walk in the dark in the area. Anyways, there were three of my buddies and I just sorta through it up there and one seemed like he wasn't to keen on it and sorta volunteered Bright Scarf....who said he could give me a ride if I didn't mind if he stopped for gas. The volunteerer eventually found out where I lived and said he wouldn't mind driving me home...which was good. But importantly, the Other One didn't speak a word...and worst of all is that when the volunteerer sounded uninterested I did sorta ask the Other One if he minded...though he may not have heard...anyway, point is that I felt like an idiot. I hate asking for help. And I hate that the Other One doesn't seem to have any special interest in me. Grr. Feel cranky.

because god forbid I am not interested in someone

2008-02-09T21:22:00.000-05:00

I am terrible at NOT having a crush. Terrible. Jaxx has been nothing but irritating....he either is not interested or just doesn't know how to ask a girl out.

There are two other single males that I find at least somewhat attractive......both are on my dodgeball team. The first I have found attractive for a while.....when I wasn't sure what was gonna happen with timbuctoo still. He sorta hit on me...or at least showed interest....and I sort of backed away because of timbuctoo....and then he seemed not too receptive when I was single again....not that I really made any moves. And eventually found out he has a gf....though I heard it wasn't serious...anyway, over the last few months I've been back and forth about whether I'm interested....I'm attracted for sure...but he's clearly not a candidate for a real relationship. Which is too bad...but he is very fun. And a good guy to be friends with for sure cuz he is fun. Let's call him Bright Scarf.

The other I have known for a little longer and never really found attractive until just recently. He has always struck me as a beta male....but lately he's been seeming more interesting. Not really sure why. He's really nice. My age. Not totally immature or mature....maybe its because I've had a chance to have a few beers with him (and others) and realized that maybe he's not just an awkward guy.....he may have a dirty mind after all....he's not particularly good at the organized sports we play, though he's clearly athletic...and that's maybe why I always thought this....maybe he just never played these sports. He climbs though and is really quite good....and I don't know...lately he just seems more interesting.

I had to really fight not to phone him and ask him if he wanted to see a movie with me tonight...though I did text him about the hockey game...but he already had plans...though he did ask if I was climbing tomorrow....which is at least sort of a good sign....

Though I was really worried that my half drunken phone call last night might have scared him off...well it was only 6:30 so he probably didn't think I was drunk......sigh.

Anyway.....he has real potential being of the same age, liking sports, not being a student, having a a car, and being fun and nice.....we'll see what happens

stand up

2008-02-09T21:12:00.000-05:00

What a great climb today. What a great sport.

Anyway, I was thinking while I was climbing about the comment on my last post about timbuctoo....from dustindiamond.....who apparently doesn't have a blog....anyway, I just wanted to say I hope things work out for you....and thanks for the post.

damn it

2008-02-09T11:42:00.000-05:00

You know I thought I was on the ball with this money thing....but I just looked at my budget and realized that I had budgeted to include an income over the summer that I won't have....which means that I need to take $3000 out of the money I wanted to put into savings to pay for my expenses over the summer. This SUCKS.

Maybe I'll win that scholarship....then I can put that $3000 in and maybe a bit more.....

GRRRRR. This sucks.

stocking

2008-02-09T11:14:00.000-05:00

I can't keep up. Life is going too fast and I don't have time to think about it...and I need time to think about it.

Finally it is Saturday. I slept in, I read my book and drank my coffee by the window while sitting in my recliner.....and I finally have a few minutes.

There's things that have been happening that I feel I need to think about.....relate so I can get some perspective....but I guess right now I want to think about what I want to do with the next few months of my life....with this life that will soon be in its third decade. How did this happen? How am I still in school? Why don't I have a partner. Sigh.

Anyway, what ARE my goals......

Get out of debt - definitely possible....assuming I don't spend willy nilly, break or lose anything, and am willing to not put away the whole amount I had planned
Read some of the books on my shelf - they're piling up...between the Christmas buying spree and the shopping therapy purchase of past book club books, I need a book buying ban. More importantly, I WANT to read....but I find I am hesitant to pick up these books for fear of being made to feel sad.....
Prepare my thesis proposal - I need this done...just so I don't feel overwhelmed....but there are so many other projects that are more likely to bring my career success that it is easy to put it to the side. I mustn't. Reading week....IT GETS DONE
Projects and papers

there's the one with the bird that needs to be coded, analysed, written up
there's the one with faces that needs to be researched and written
there's the new methods paper that I just want to write
there's the conference presentation for the bird....
there's the final exam for that course....
.....I guess this really isn't so bad.....the thesis proposal, the faces paper, the bird analysis, the methods paper....I could maybe get through that stuff over reading week...or at least get to a point where the hard work is done.....lemme see

The Plan:

Reading for proposal - 1 day
Proposal draft - 1 day
Face readings - 1 day
Face draft - 1/2day
Bird coding - 1 day
Bird analyis - 1/2 day
Bird write up - 1/2 day
Final exam - 1/2 day
Methods paper - 1 day

Well....that's a week....I have 10 days....some of which I AUGHT to have fun on....you know, sleep in or go out or both....so I guess it's possible to do these things if I work hard....if I'm disciplined.....fingers crossed.

Anything else? Hmm....well I'd like to be running more....I can't believe how busy I am this term....with lots of sports, but still. Also I'd like to be eating lunch out less...I'm too lazy to make lunch or don't have time. That sucks cuz I HAVE food at home that is WAY better than what I buy....I NEED to start bringing lunch.

What about that vacation this summer? Need to make a plan....am I going home at all? It sort of sucks that I won't really have any idea of whether I can do this until I finish my proposal....bah. Oh well....And plans for the summer...right now there's no budget for trips but some friends want to go outside climbing (scary but fun!)....and I really want to do something tropical...Cuba maybe....hmmmm.....

Ok....I feel better.....

can't keep up

2008-01-11T23:10:00.000-05:00

I guess when I don't have a steady relationship I need to post every day....I suddenly feel like i have too much to say....it's been less than two weeks! Ack.

My first vent is on the farmer.....he did come back into town and texted me on his way....we got together....it was certainly interesting....the highlights:

He picked me up from best friends' bf's place and we got a movie....and then sat by his fire and argued for a few hours...then messed around.....which was weird
The next day we went for lunch and I asked whether he wanted to go out with me for New Years...he was up in the air on this and eventually decided to stay with him friend who he apparently had promised he would spend New Years with....
BUT he picked me up around 1am after I had danced myself happy and we went to his friends, had fun, then went back to his place
Then we argued more the next day
He burned me some great CDs

And when I got back into town...there was Jaxx. It was a bit of an accident...I was annoyed with the farmer and didn't want to worry about him....and Jaxx happened to be online and I messaged him and we were chatting and decided to go for a drink....

One thing led to another and it was a nice evening of drinking and chatting...he had broken up with his 18 year old just a week or so ago....and then we went to my place and things went weird...

sigh....i just don't know how this happens...maybe more later...

rarely mentioned part VII

2007-12-30T04:07:00.001-05:00

So we had decided to chat online to figure out plans....it is now two days after he was supposed to be coming home and I haven't seen him online, haven't gotten any texts or calls...nothing.

What the hell is wrong with this guy? I mean I was fine with just being friends....all the way through I said that it was fine....we didn't need to hook up...I thought it would be a good thing, but I didn't need it to happen.....why is he behaving this way?

At this point my feeling is that it really was the case that I was a trophy to his ego...that he is really trying to convince himself that he is this asshole guy. And it's just sad.

This is the third time he hasn't done what he's said he's going to do....he can't possibly think that I wouldn't care......so I can only assume he's doing it on purpose...so I am pissed....what a waste of a great friendship. ....what a damn idiot....if I had thought he would behave this way....if I had thought he was still this immature, I would never have even kissed him....pathetic....

rarely mentioned part VI

2007-12-30T03:57:00.000-05:00

The next morning was a gong show.

He messaged me at 9am to say that I had been completely inappropriate....uh...right. I texted him back with a "are you kidding?" and he sent me a LIST of reasons why.

Apparently he had been sick...ok, fair nuf....and said that we hadn't actually had any firm plans....are you fucking kidding me?

Anyway, intensely angry I texted him the reasons why I was pissed and apologized for losing my temper....expecting some sort of apology back.....it was not forthcoming.

Eventually I was on my way out the door and he sent me a message saying "fine, hate me, tis the season"...real mature....so I called him....hoping we could be adults....

Well, it was about a half hour conversation in which he basically made out that he would have reacted just like I did, but the whole mix up was still all my fault because I lost my temper and when people do that he just says "fuck em"....real mature....

Unwilling to take that I tried to converse with him and come to some sort of resolution that didn't make me feel hurt and angry....no dice....all i got was "I don't know why we're arguing about this, I agree with you..."....and "well sorry".....nothing that made me feel as if he even remotely cared how he had made me feel....eventually I just told him "fine....we agree, but I want you to know that I feel very hurt and that's why I'm still upset" and he gave me one final "well I'm sorry for that" (sounding not at all as if that were true but rather like he was pacifying someone nagging him to do laundry)....so I hung up and spent the next five hours feeling like punching him.

Around supper time I finally got a message with a real apology...I messaged him back to say thank you for being an adult and if he still wanted to see me he could come to the party best friends' bf was having.....

I heard nothing back from him for a while and the party began...eventually he messaged me and I called him and we talked about it.....and things felt better....he was going home the next morning and so couldn't make the party cuz he had too much packing....but he might be coming home early so maybe we could see each other before I left for home after all....a few texts before Christmas and things seemed fine...

Not that the talking about things was particularly great.....he finally told me what had happened that night and it seems likely that he got drunk and puked....which may or may not mean he had been drinking and driving. ...not very impressive....he also felt the need to tell me that the mail girl was throwing herself at him....in order to make me jealous...which I didn't feel and was a bit annoyed that he was still being so petulant....but in general we talked about things like we always have as friends....which was good...but I certainly believed he was still interested in an us of some sort from the conversation.....right up to Christmas eve....

rarely mentioned V

2007-12-30T03:45:00.000-05:00

Again, looked forward to Friday....we both had plans early on in the evening though and decided to meet up after we had met our respective responsibilities....he had a staff Christmas party, I was meeting some friends for dancing.

We decided we'd message each other when we could get away...he expected around 8-ish.....

Around 9 or 10 we started texting back and forth and it sounded like he was having trouble getting a cab home....the loose plan was for him to get his car and then pick me up....around 11 he texted me that he was in the cab, was gonna drop friends off and then we'd hook up.....

And then it was midnight....so I texted a message to see what was going on....and got this rather rude reply that he was "out of commission and would call me tomorrow".....which to be frank, pissed me right off.....here's why:

1. it was only because he said he hadn't that I believed he hadn't blown me off on tuesday
2. he had been on his way....what the hell had come up that he was blowing me off now?
3. because we had made plans to get together, I had not made plans to get back to best friends' place.....at least a $50-$70 cab ride home.....

So I messaged him back and then called...and then messaged...and by 1am I was pissed...at that point I got some rather rude messages informing me that the farmer was sick.....clearly not from the farmer himself....

So I lost my temper and left two rather angry messages on his phone. I mean wtf? Why is your friend texting me to break plans with me? Why is he acting like I am bothering you and why is he being rude?

I shouldn't have lost my temper of course, but I felt supremely fucked over. I was SOOO mad.

Anyway, I eventually left and started walking toward where I was gonna catch a cab....and called best friend to blow off some steam.....and thankfully she offered to come get me....which really was an imposition cuz it meant she had to drive all the way from her place to get me and then all the way back....after she had already been driving to and from her bf's.....arg.

I went to bed utterly rageful....what a jerk.

rarely mentioned part IV

2007-12-29T05:18:00.000-05:00

Tuesday I looked forward to. And looked great....and all day we messaged back and forth to set plans....and then he never messaged me to say he was done work....and I was so disappointed.

We talked the next day and figured out that neither of us has received messages from the other....it was like cosmic forces were keeping us together because it had been the only night that really worked out of my whole visit....i was so disappointed.

We talked about it over the next two days.....while I was at my mom's.....so I was terribly distracted and felt much guilt over it.

However, we did talk about our reflections on the previous date and did make plans to see each other the Friday I returned.

But things really fell apart that Friday.

rarely mentioned part III

2007-12-29T05:11:00.000-05:00

Dinner was spectacular. We had wine (he not so much because his dad is an alcoholic and he has never been drunk) and appetizers and dinner and desert and coffee...and it was a splendid time.

However the issue of us did come up. And having had a bit of wine, I was very direct with my answers to questions....and he called me on some behaviors that I was not particularly attending to and betrayed my discomfort. Which was fair since I'd been giving him my perspective on his work situation and had ended up sounding more critical than I would prefer.

At any rate, his attentiveness and ability to throw me off my control game made him infinitely appealing and I realized I did want something to happen...though I was still worried about fucking up our friendship, which I was unwilling to do.

So after dinner he said "where to" and I said "your place" but somehow I apparently sent mixed signals and he decided to take me back to my best friends....I didn't really understand why, though we talked about the mixed signal issue on another day.

At any rate, when we parked at best friend's, we chatted benignly for maybe thirty seconds and then I said, with my usual lack of aplomb and more than voluptuous directness, "alright, I'm going to say goodnight and then I'm going to kiss you" and did.

And it was lovely...and continued for about an hour. It was quite wonderful. He pulled at my hair, kissed me too hard, and was very masculine.

Finally I said goodnight, knowing he had to be up early....and he mentioned something about meeting up Tuesday....which was good for me, sorta...I was planning on heading home on Tuesday but had no good reason that Wednesday wasn't just as good.

rarely mentioned part II

2007-12-29T05:05:00.001-05:00

As I said, we stayed in touch but barely....but we really reconnected when I sent him an email at some point with the thinking that I really didn't want to lose touch and that maybe we should exchange msn addresses....at least that's how I remember things going.....

Over the last year we have traded calls and messages of the frustrations in our lives....and its been nice....and one thing I have noticed is that the inexperience and lack of assertiveness I perceived was apparently gone. He had become, not to mince words, horny and happy about it. He no longer struck me as someone who couldn't handle me. But then, it didn't really matter because there was Timbuctoo.

And then there wasn't.

I shared this story with the farmer....and we decided that when I was home over Christmas that we would have dinner and bitch about our respective lives....and at the time I thought it might be nice to see where the booze took me....not to mention how much I love dining.

Luckily we had set the date and he had penciled me in because his neuroticism over the last year had clearly led to serious problems at work that led him to be working quite busily when I came into town. I tried to make plans to see him before hand, but they didn't work out....I hadn't actually realized he'd made our dinner an appointment in his book.

Either way, the first time I saw him was dinner....

rarely mentioned part I

2007-12-29T04:55:00.000-05:00

A story for the times......I've surely mentioned this gentleman in my blog but I have no recollection of what name I gave him...so we will call him farmer....his story begins long ago.

I met the farmer as early as my first year...I could check my transcripts to confirm this, but it was at the latest second year of my first degree....we applied to the new program the same year...and got in. So after those first two classes in which I found the farmer tall and handsome but relatively unassertive, I ended up spending quite a bit more time with him.

In those years I held a great many people at arm's length. Fresh off of my relationship with Jesse I was not about to deal with people being interested in me when I wasn't interested in them. As a result, I got to know the farmer and made it abdundantly, if not verbally clear that there would be nothing between us. Of course he never tried anything so there really was little to be concerned with.....

My attraction to him peaked and fell, though never reached a level high enough to act on...still, the thought crossed my mind...his neurotic musings, his frustration with his family, his truck....

The last event I really marked in my memory was that we went to grad together. He looked good but still, no significant stirrings....

We were friends and I liked it that way....I was to learn much much later that many people thought I felt differently, but who cares about them anyway.

We kept in touch. He went to law school, I went to grad school. My first year back I believe we had coffee....the second year back we didn't....third year I didn't come home. The fourth year is this year.

Now it bears mentioning that upon beginning law school he started dating a girl in his class....never really met her, seemed nice.....they were together for four years....really lost touch with him after a while and only reconnected long after they broke up. And that's where the tail will begin.

a misspent youth and a missed story

2007-12-17T15:06:00.000-05:00

Since some day this will be the record that I look to for details of my misspent love affairs, I should related a night not long after Timbuctoo left my life for good.

A week after his email, I had promised a friend of Jaxx's that I would have drinks with him and his friends since we hadn't done drinks in ages.

It also so happened that my supervisor was buying us beer at 3pm to celebrate one of our techs getting a full time job elsewhere in the department.

It was an interesting night.

We started at the pub and eventually learned that the tech was not able to go home for the night and I proceeded to offer up my futon. Fine. No big deal...

Then Jaxx and his friends showed up having decided that since I was at this pub they may as well join me rather than having me join them at the other pub.

So suddenly I was right next to Jaxx feeling my heart flutter....definitely a pleasant feeling. Jaxx's friend (let's call him Redd) had to leave fairly early in the evening because he was hosting a party...so the tech, Jaxx, and I eventually ended up going for sushi...and more beer...and then trying to brave a blizzard to get to the beer store...which sadly was closed when we arrived.

Thankfully, the courageous twosome showed up and we piled into their car and headed to Jaxx's for some Wii and beer. It turned out to be a fabulous time. The boys played guitar too loud, we played Wii baseball much to my delight and Jaxx and I had much time for an intimate conversation.

Eventually Jaxx's gf called and so reality kicked back in....we all went dancing and had great fun.

Then the male of the twosome, me, and the techie headed back to my place where we had more booze that was unneeded and the male of the twosome and I made out a bit just for fun...and he promised to tell the female all about it...

Eventually he left and it was just me and the techie...who gets a little creepy when drunk, I learned and we spent a few minutes on my futon where I struggled to stay conscious and he shared some details about his life that were outright scandalous....finally I just said I was going to bed and passed out....what a night.

Thrilled to know that Jaxx is still attractive to me....thrilled to have fun.

do you feel like a man?

2007-12-17T15:00:00.000-05:00

funny, I don't feel so bad....I feel relieved....and knowing that the person I was in love with doesn't actually exist sure makes things simpler.

At any rate, my heart feels fine...I've been waiting for the crash but it hasn't happened.

I've had a good month, considering...after a rather intoxicated few weeks and a great deal of self indulgence in the form of new clothes, I realize that i am just not shattered.

Mostly I am seeing how ridiculous his behavior is/was and since we've had zero interaction there's not a lot of that heart break fluttering...which is good.

Also, there's a new boy to chase...and Jaxx, while now with someone, is someone that I am clearly still interested in and who is still interested in me.

I'm home for the holidays now and somehow have managed to get a phone number and hook up with a friend.....the sounds of which make me worried that I'm being self-destructive, but I have to say that I don't feel bad...I don't feel desperate, I just feel good that I don't have to hide my life any more.

dear Jerk....

2007-11-21T01:41:00.000-05:00

Dear Timbuctoo.....

if I saw you at the supermarket and you said "what, no hello?" I'd say. "you didn't bother to say goodbye."

And he didn't. I know that anyone who read my blog before is thinking I told you so....and all my friends who I haven't got the courage to tell yet are thinking "I told you so" but I guess I have no argument anymore.

I wish that I could say "happily ever after" and for a while it was....but then I found out that he is like every other cheater in the world.

I wish I could say that I left and knew better.....but I believed he could make the right decision....but he's pathetic, just like the rest.

I'm sorry world for being so blind. I'm sorry world for believing. I wish that I was not so naive. I wish that I was not so alone. I wish I could say I was surprised.

I hate him now. And I cna't even wish him well. I hope for him only despair and depression. And he deserves it. That stupid fool.

Maybe I'm a bad person. Or maybe I was the rainbow. But even rainbows can't smile in a thunderstorm. I hate him now. Because the idea of friends is absurd. Because he is pathetic. Because we had it all.

2007-11-18T15:07:00.001-05:00

clearly I spoke too soon. Because out of nowhere, just when I was reflecting on how solid and happy our relationship was, he broke up with me. Over email. And his reasons were ....reaching.

I don't know what is going on. But Friday morning I was looking forward to a productive day so I could have fun with him and my friends over the weekend end and I open my email and .....

It's Sunday afternoon and I have gotten one email from him since I responded to his email with an email and a phone call to his cell. It was one line saying he was probably giving his ex-gf his email passwords. So, I can't call, I can't email, and he deleted his facebook account. What the hell is going on here?

Not only has he broken up with me and given me what looks like justifications rather than reasons, but he is not allowing me any way to communicate with him about it. And worst of all is that he hasn't shown the smallest inkling of regard for how I must feel.

It's like he's suddenly a different person. You know I stayed with him despite all of his broken promises, because I believed in him, that he was telling me the truth. And I have tried to explain to him that his concern that once we have kids that I will not be able to handle the pressure and take off is not my issue, but his. He just doesn't seem to get that as a result of my childhood experiences I try to make things better, rather than leave, even when I should.

And his email was so unbelievably hurtful. He basically says that I have all these childhood issues that I'm not dealing with and that until I do, I won't be a good mother or mate. Which is such bullshit. He keeps telling me I have these issues, rather than acknowledging the ones I do have and have dealt with. Fuck, I'm so mad about this. How dare he blame this on me. How dare he act like the ruin of our relationship is MY childhood issues when it is HE that clams up and won't communicate. It is HE who can't trust me because of ONE measly incident that occurred before he had even committed to me. HOW DARE HE. He's holding me responsible for something he thinks I might do someday in the future. Something that isn't even consist with any of my behavior. What IS this?

I have done everything I could to let him make his decision on his own. I have done EVERYTHING he asked to give him space so he could decide. And then he makes his decision and changes it. And tries to justify it by saying, "well I did what I said, I broke up with her." As if that somehow made it better that he has changed his mind yet again. Who really has the issues with commitment here?

And then there's the hypocrisy of it all. He told me straight out that he's never really been attracted to her, that he never thought about marriage with her, and that he wants a relationship where he loves and is loved equally. So why is he doing this? We had the kind of love that everyone in the world wishes for, at least so I thought. We felt free to talk to each other about things bothering us, we were very open sexually, we had fun together.....I just can't believe he threw me away like last week's trash. I deserve better than this.

His email started with him saying he was going to tell her about cheating on her. Which I have always said that I would support him if he wanted to do that. And he goes on to talk about how our relationship just couldn't be right if he doesn't get this closure. And then basically goes on to say that he doesn't know what he wants her to do, but he's gonna leave it up to her whether they get back together. What the fuck is that? After all his time with his therapist learning to come to grips with the fact that you can' t be with someone because of guilt, he is just gonna let her decide? Of course she'll stay with him. She stayed with an abusive guy, why not this? It's ridiculous.

And then there's the statement that he feels his relationship with her has been "whisked away". Whisked away, eh? That 8 years just flew by. And then I came along and ruined everything. Took only 2 years. And his relationship was just whisked away. Does he really think that makes ANY sense? It's absurd.

So now I'm left feeling used and abused. He has been so concerned that Karen not get too hurt in all this that he is CONSTANTLY breaking my heart and now he has done the ultimate...just completely disregarded how I feel at all. Because he needs to focus on him, on his self-growth. Some explanation. This is NOT how you treat someone you "loved more intensely than anyone ever."

the chase

2007-11-09T11:18:00.001-05:00

Here's a question....why can't I find a water bottle made of "safe" plastic (#2 HDPE, #4 LDPE, or #5 PP) that has a Brita-style filter? Seriously, you'd think this one was obvious.

I can find TONS of sport bottles with filters and TONS of "safe" plastic sport bottles but NOWHERE can I find one that is BOTH.

AND Brita has DISCONTINUED their filtering sport bottle in Canada....and has no plans for a new one. Btw, their customer service was terrible. First they answered the wrong question (because they ignored the form they FORCE you to fill out) and then they just said "we have no plans to produce a sport bottle." It was like a robot had answered my questions.

And what about Nalgene? They have started producing a proper plastic bottle...isn't it a match made in heaven for Brita and Nalgene to team up? What is going on here?

If anyone knows of a sport bottle that is "safe" plastic and has a Brita style filter, for the love of God, tell me so I can stop complaining.

cut to the chase

2007-11-09T11:17:00.000-05:00

Ok, I've been away a while. The news is this: Timbuctoo finally broke up with his gf. I feel like slime, but I think things are gonna be ok.

been a while

2007-09-08T09:23:00.001-04:00

I haven't had anything to say for a while. Things in my life are in a settled state of unsurety....I guess I don't feel sad or angry....I'm just sort of floating along trying to be as content as possible in this intractable situation.

I feel like things are going to work out. And today was the first day that I realized that my youth is almost over....very soon I will no longer have my own place, my own stuff. Very soon I won't be crazy partying camel.....and I don't feel sad, though I do feel a bit worried that I'm not ready...but I also feel like if I don't take the plunge soon I won't be able to. And this is what I told him. Soon. Not now, but soon.

Staying healthy is hard. Staying happy is hard....but things are ok right now.

no peace

2007-08-12T23:16:00.000-04:00

I feel very anxious right now...on edge....like I'm failing at something...

Indeed this last week has shown me I am failing at a few things, but I don't think this is the cause.

Clearly I have become so exhausted by my life that simple etiquette and tact have become a lost art...and the art of being sociable has nearly left me completely. I felt it over and over again...pure exhaustion and no interest in talking or getting to know people...just exhaustion. I hated it...I felt boring and uninteresting and unfriendly. I hated it.

But now, I just feel wasted...as though there are so many things I SHOULD be doing but am unwilling to do.....though I have done a few of the thins I wanted to do today, I have mostly taken it easy....is this lethargy the result of much needed rest or something else? I just feel BLAH.

I want to be healthy, I want to be productive, I want to be good. But right now I don't want to be anything...not asleep, not awake...just at rest...but I am not....I feel tortured by expectation and frustration.....where is my peace?

depressed

2007-07-21T16:21:00.000-04:00

This whole thing is so frustrating. And I am feeling more and more like even if Timbuctoo gets his head out of his ass that it will be a long hard battle to rebuild the trust in our relationship.

Outside of breaking the most important promise he has ever made to me, there's the fact that he refuses to answer my direct questions, which leaves me guessing the answers to questions I need answers to. It seems more and more clear that he is refusing to answer me because he knows that if he does my response will be "goodbye." Which of course is completely unfair to me and is why I'm not sure I can trust him again. How can I trust someone who would rather leave me miserable and without answers than let me get on with my life. It's selfish....he's simply avoiding facingme. I have been so good to him as he made his decision that for him to treat me this way is unbelievable. I deserve more respect that this. This is NOT the way to give our relationship a chance.

At any rate, I've been unbearably depressed the last two days, but I'm finally coming out of it. I'm tired of waiting for him to respond and am simply going to live my life as though he were no longer a part of it. What choice do I have? I'm so disappointed in him.

world sucks

2007-07-07T15:39:00.000-04:00

Every day that goes by I feel more and more distant from Timbuctoo. Every time I hear from him, I don't feel less hopeful, just more like I don't want to bother with this anymore. That's what happens when you don't see someone. And I kinda have to wonder if that's happening with him.

The whole thing is just dumb. He emailed me today to say his therapist said it would be "best for all parties involved" if he didn't see me for a while. Who exactly are these parties? What am I supposed to do? Sit around and wait? Fuck that. Clearly this is better for her, because it just means Timbuctoo's not cheating on her, and it COULD be better for Timbuctoo in the sense of forgetting about me, but given that his relationship with her is crap, that's hardly the case...., and me? Well, out of sight out of mind, which is good until my exam, but then what. Sit around and wait? I'm just frustrated.

I mean, I know that it is important he deals with his issues, but that also always seems to involve him putting me on hold. There's never any putting her on hold...why didn't he encourage her to start in June instead of September, the jerk. I mean how much LESS complicated would things have been?

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing by just letting things happen here. I have the sneaking suspicion that I would save myself a huge amount of heart ache and time if I just walked away now.