Evenewra Brainsite

Tadpoles

2009-07-17T07:42:00.003-04:00

Wednesday we went to the Nature Center and learned about tadpoles and frogs. The class is an hour long and, at the end, we went to the dock with the teacher to catch tadpoles with a net. It was so much fun we stayed an extra half hour, and when the teacher had to go back to work in the building, we went for a long walk together. It was a lovely day.

Potty Training

2009-07-17T07:23:00.003-04:00

There's this 3-day potty training method some friends of mine tried and liked. The idea is that you quit diapers and pull-ups cold turkey and help your child get used to not wetting the new underwear. It's intense, requires stopping everything else you're doing for 3 days and is supposed to be full-proof.

Yesterday began the first 3-day block I will have for awhile, so we tried it.

There were ways in which it was fun at first. You've seen what I've written previously about trying to live in the moment and get more out of everyday experiences without having to run around for fun, or about focusing on activities more directly with ND...

Well, we spent a good part of the morning in the yard. Together we hand washed with a washboard a bunch of special delicate clothes that had been piling up. That was really good for her, and fun. We swept the deck which has been very dirty from some work we had done recently. We fed the birds. We drew with chalk and we mowed the lawn. (We have a manual mower that is quiet and safe enough to use when she's around, and she pushes her own toy mower.) We also, sadly, found a dead bluejay in the yard. I had to explain about death. ND kept asking what it's doing, and I explained that the way this works is that it will not ever do anything again. She thought I called it a Dad bird.

Throughout, whenever she had an accident I explained about trying to go potty first to keep it dry. But as the day wore on, both inside the house and out, I learned that she's just not able to tell me when she's about to need to use the toilet. And I could see the pressure was starting to get to her.

I felt so odd about the experience... frustrated mainly, I think, for pushing her in the first place than for the fact that it wasn't working. I thought the things the article had said had made sense, but I prefer parenting from instinct and from my heart than from what I read. Reading puts info. in my head which is where I second-guess myself and stop believing in what I usually return to as "what's right."

The article I read tells you to throw out all the diapers so you can't "give up" and use them as a crutch. But I didn't do that. I was planning to donate them, so I had just put them in U's car trunk. But while ND was sleeping I found one that had been left behind. When she got up from her nap I changed her into it and I decided to pretend the day never happened. I'm not even going to talk about it with her unless she brings it up.

I'm not sure what approach to use now. I'd love to see if I can teach her to do this without any kind of treats. It strikes me as weird in many ways. In fact, at the end of yesterday we went for a walk to Walgreen's and I bought her a present just to cheer us up -- a flower windmill for the yard. A comfort rather than a reward. I think I'm not going to mention potty for awhile and see if she chooses to use it on her own, and just talk her through it. Ask her if she wants to try underwear some days and not give her a hard time.

My concern is that I'll be inconsistent. It will be harder when school starts again and diapers simply become more convenient again as we rush everywhere. But I also don't see a rush.

And have I mentioned we're going on an airplane next week? Glad we're not dealing with this there.

Summer State Of Mind

2009-07-12T06:53:00.002-04:00

As a teacher who lives with the perpetual gift of empty summers, I've had to learn how to view them in the right way. In the past I've actually produced a lot of anxiety about using them right because they're just so precious.

I've thought of using them as a time for lofty projects, for catching up on things, for adventures, for massive amounts of fun that I don't normally have.

They're now more for me about a change in lifestyle... a lifestyle that permits me:
• to bike to the store for groceries with my daughter
• to make challah on Fridays, also with my daughter
• to write a little more often
• to stay up and get up a little later
• to spend a little more time on yoga
• to clean up after myself just a little better (mainly clearing the dining room table every time I use it and to get the dishes done)
• to live at a "living" pace, doing things one at a time

In this particular year I had hoped -- ever ambitious -- to clean every room in our house thoroughly, but it's not working with ND around. And a friend pointed out to me just how unrealistic that was.

I started this post on Sunday and today it's Tuesday, and dishes are piled in the sink... but I'm calm and happy and feel the time has been right. It's just nice not to rush so much.

I enjoyed this same feeling during last Pesach break, and I hoped I could bring the relaxation into the school year. I found that I could not. It's just not realistic.

But that's one more thing I'm not going to worry about.

Communication

2009-07-11T22:30:00.002-04:00

ND is impressing me with her communication skills in so many ways recently.

1. We made challah yesterday. I let her braid two little ones. She explained it to her Dad during Shabbat dinner and talked about "putting it in the middle in the middle in the middle" and twisted her arms to show the process of braiding the strands.

2. We went to the neighbor's today. They have a 3-year old who is her friend and a 1-year old about whom she is often cautious. The baby tends to grab toys she wants, and she is intimidated by it. But today at the neighbors she was walking with him up the driveway, communicating with him as best as she could. Then she got worried and ran over to me to tell me he might go into the street. I was proud of her for being more adventurous with him, but also for watching out for him.

3. The older brother was later riding the tricycle down the driveway (away from the street) but too fast and almost ran into her. I went over to him to explain that he almost hit her and that he needs to slow down and make sure the way is clear. She joined the conversation to say she might have cried.

Lines and Circles

2009-07-06T15:41:00.001-04:00

Sometimes time moves as in a line... beginning to end, with a list of destinations along the way. You check off your accomplishments as you go.

Sometimes it moves in a circle. You do the same routine again and again... get up in the morning, do dishes, eat etc.

I tend to favor the line. It feels more productive. I get to start new things. I'm always moving onto something new and exciting both in my personal life and at work.

But then I tend to forget to do things like schedule in time to eat. Yes, I eat, but I don't schedule it. And I don't clean up after myself. And in school, routines I set for the kids fall by the wayside as I introduce new and exciting projects.

One of my major goals both this summer and next school year is to live more in the circle.

Boston

2009-07-06T15:18:00.004-04:00

Had a short but fun trip to Boston, appropriately during the 4th of July Weekend. We stayed with good friends in Waltham, MA and had a little time on Friday for sight-seeing.

What I really wanted to do was the Boston Duck Tours in an amphibious vehicle. Between poor planning and bad timing, it didn't work out, but I don't mind too much. I also really wanted to walk on the Freedom Trail. We did manage to do quite a bit of that on Friday, although not all of it. I was hoping to visit Paul Revere's house and that there was a lot I didn't know about a lot of the sites until afterwards. (We just read the signs. We didn't take a formal tour.) But it was really cool nonetheless and I'm hoping to come back again another time.

Some of the cool things on the Freedom Trail included seeing some famous graves, including that of Mother Goose! I also liked the Old State House which overlooked the site of the Boston Massacre.

On Sunday we managed to go on the Swan Boats and walked back on a long stretch that included statues of many famous people. I was happy to get some photos of the ONE monument I found the whole trip about women.

I would have liked to do more, but it all felt quite good. Can't do it all in just a weekend, especially with a 4 hour drive each way.

Full-Time Mommy

2009-07-01T15:57:00.005-04:00

It's with a sense of combined excitement and humility that I begin my summer as a full-time mom.

Yesterday was ND's last day of day care for the summer. I spent the day doing many things including finishing cleaning the living side (not the laundry side) of our basement, going for a bike ride by myself, dealing with some paperwork, etc.

The key, I think, to making this work for me, is going to be staying active. Today we've had a busy day already. As I write this, ND is napping.

Here she is this morning before we got into our day. She slept in this shirt that U. brought her from Sweden. (That's another story.)

This morning we went so a megillah Shiur (a class) taught by the parent of a child I used to teach. She's been inviting me for some time to come, and this was the first time I could. It was fabulous and ND was relatively cooperative during it. I'll need to bring different toys next time as she colored on the hardwood floor with he crayons.

We then met U. for lunch. And afterwards went to the Tenafly Nature Center for a Little Naturalists class where we learned about dragonflies.

In a few minutes we're off to the chiropractor, and tonight I'm going to a one-time dance class. She's already upset that I might be going somewhere without her tonight, but I think we'll just have to make it happen. She's been very clingy lately, but when I leave her with U. she gets over my absence quickly.

Tomorrow, though, nothing planned yet. Probably a trip to the lake with some friends. But I'm not sure.

I've got a lot to think about to make sure this works... I need to feel my time is being used meaningfully and I have to be willing to slow myself down. I need to be present with her and not try to do too many things that are tricky to do when she's around. It will be a dance, this living side by side through every minute.

I always thought I'd be a stay-at-home mom, but I'm not. I'm a busy person who does best under pressure and wishing to slow down, rather than slowed down and wishing to be busy.

But again, so far, we're having fun.

Jenkinson's Beach

2009-06-25T18:08:00.008-04:00

My brother and niece happened to arrive the day after my last work day at school. We went to the beach. ND did a fishing game on the Boardwalk where she won a big stuffed Clownfish.

5 Pipes

2009-06-25T07:00:00.001-04:00

There's a place near here called the Teaneck Creek Conservancy. ND and I went for a walk there recently. They're doing a community art project called the 5 Pipes. We're going to get to go help paint whenever we want.

33

2009-06-23T06:26:00.002-04:00

32 was an awfully good age for me. As I noted once in an earlier post it was an age I really looked forward to help me define myself as an adult.

I had a great year with my family, with our house, with my work, with my free time. I did a lot.

Wondering where things will go from here. I think I'd like to learn to relax a bit.

Ginat Kesher

2009-06-22T05:34:00.002-04:00

I helped plant a garden yesterday. And I'm going to be doing the blog for it too.

Success

2009-06-19T17:42:00.003-04:00

We did it.

Or I did it.

Depends on your perspective.

We (my assistant and I) just finished off a tremendously productive school year.

I just finished the best teaching year of my life.

I taught two classes full-time while still making time for my daughter at home.

I did the academics better than ever before, with clear goals and successes.

And still I maintained the more important thing, the thing that I've been able to do all along, which was to connect with the kids. And I think (hope) I did even that better than ever before.

Today was great. It was quick and fun and everyone was happy with the treats I brought with no one complaining they wanted something else.

But it was actually a little hard too. A few of the kids were quite emotional about leaving us. For some it was just the fact of a transition, but for others, it really does matter that they're leaving us. They made huge strides with us and needed our love to do it.

I found myself crying a little... no surprise as I'm sentimental. But then, when a particular group of my kids came to give me a hug, it become much stronger than that.

Later when I came home, I was cooking for Shabbat and suddenly was truly overcome. It's hard, to put so much effort and heart into something... into someone... into several someones... and then have them go on their way, out of your reach probably forever.

I'm very proud of them and of me.

Good bye

2009-06-14T16:37:00.002-04:00

There are many ways in which I can sort my friends, but one way is in the categories of "Those who are here and available to me" and "those who are far away."

This afternoon we went to a going away party for some friends making aliyah. I feel like I'm moving them like a game piece from one category to the other. By the end of the summer that will be two of ND's friends who have moved away, and several of mine too, of course.

Summer is Almost Here

2009-06-14T16:32:00.002-04:00

It's so close.

I have one week left of teaching, and another week of closing up shop. (Only two of those days are required. The others are days I'm taking to prepare for next year while ND is still in daycare.)

Already I'm feeling like I can relax a little, although I'm not terribly good at it.

I spend most of my life either working really hard or thinking I should be doing something different than I am. If I get up early, I even wonder if I should sleep in a little the way I imagine my peers doing. If I relax, I think I'm missing out on valuable work time.

One of my biggest goals this summer is just to trust myself more.

I did a little work in the yard today. I had to remind myself that I really haven't done any in ages, and barely even felt compelled to as I was in the midst of the school year. Now that I was doing it, I felt on one hand that I was finally glad to be helping out with it, but again, wondering if I should be doing something else instead.

Who do I think is checking up on me? Is this about living more in the present moment, or about being less judgmental towards myself? Or about fear of loss of opportunity?

Or all?

Up

2009-06-07T16:27:00.003-04:00

SPOILER ALERT!

We saw Up today. Our first movie in awhile.

I'd like to refrain from my usual tirades about children's movies, but I'm afraid that my opinions in this area are too relevant for me to ignore in this case. Here's why:

Up is basically two different movies. In the beginning it's a touching story about a little boy who wants to be an explorer. He meets a like-minded girl and they have a very sweet friendship which leads to romance and marriage and a beautiful and touching life together. That segment sadly includes her death. Besides the usual sadness of loss of a life partner, there is also a grief in the fact that they had planned to someday explore and live in Paradise Falls in South America. The old man, too, is about to be put -- against his will -- into a retirement home. It's at this point that he decides triumphantly to go on his own for the two of them.

I think that could have been a lovely 15-minute short, suitable for adults. (I cried nonstop during that entire part of the movie.)

But the market is not for profound short animation pieces. It's for full-length action/adventure that can lead to as much product placement as possible that children can demand their parents buy. Some artists, Spielberg for example, alternate between making movies that are meaningful and making movies that sell. This one tried to do both by throwing in a silly adventure with cute and villainous characters and highly predictable values and discoveries.

If I could have just watched the beginning and ended in one scene from later, I would have rated the movie a 9 or 9.5. (I don't do 10 hardly ever.) But all the other stuff pushed it down to a 5 or 6 for me.

So what about kids... what do they need? Here's my controversial take.

NOTHING!

Children,especially very young ones, should not be sitting in front of a screen at all, certainly not more that about 15 minutes and not in a theater. They can't integrate all this storytelling and they've got whole worlds, both real and imaginary, that they can and should be exploring instead of being paralyzed by the glow of a screen. We show ND (age 2 1/2) home movies and youtube clips of dance numbers. As she gets older we may do more, but storytelling is so basic for her now. Isn't it better to inroduce quality film when she's ready to actually process it? And to actually have a valid conversation about it the way we do wth books in the classroom?

I don't expect that's necessarily what's right for everyone which is why I'm writing it rather than talking about it. But it's upsetting to me that people so rarely even explore this debate anymore.

Pay-Off

2009-06-03T22:56:00.003-04:00

Tonight was the end of the year big dinner for our school. I'm usually a least a little uncomfortable in fancy things like this, partly because I don't know how to look the look and dress the dress or feel comfortable with the mingling, but every year I look forward to my school's dinner. I feel like I've earned it.

I saw a parent there whose son was in my class this year and whose daughter was in my class 4 years ago when I first came.

Tonight we were eyeing each other's funky medieval-sleeved dresses and she came over and said, "I don't have any more kids that are going to go through your classes, so boundaries issues are over. As soon as the year's done, we're going shopping!"

I can't wait.

Tail Tale

2009-05-21T05:45:00.002-04:00

Two days ago on our way from "school" (mine where I work and her daycare), we stopped at beautiful Van Saun park and were just in time for the second to last ride of the day on the zoo train. She was so cute when we went up. She saw the train, got so excited and ran ahead of me after I gave her our tickets. I had to yell "Wait wait wait" as she zoomed right past the ticket guy and try to climb on herself.

Anyway, from the train we saw birds, a rabbit and some llamas. I saw a few other animals too but she didn't spot them.

The next day, unrelated, on the drive to school, she asked me a question about a book she was looking at in the back seat. She wanted to know what "that" was on a pig. It was it's tail. So we talked about tails and what animals have them.

She doesn't forget a thing.

So the next day at the chiropractor while I'm lying down on a table with this machine fixing my neck, I hear her chatting with the other regulars as they come in. (My chiropractor works from a house, so if I could have turned around I would have been able to watch her right there in the next room and I knew just what was going on). Someone walked in and immediately she said,

"I went on the train."
"You did?"
"I saw the aminals."
"What animals did you see?"
"I saw birds."
"Did you see a dog?"
"No, dogs have tail."
"Oh?"
"I don't have tail. I have tushy."

Teaching Log: Type AAAAAAAA!!!

2009-05-15T16:13:00.004-04:00

This has been an incredible school year.

It was my first year back to work for a full day since ND was born. That means working from 8-3:30, teaching 2 second grade classes of almost 20 kids each and caring for a two-year old.

To do this I've become incredibly organized.

And it's worked. Not only have I done the work, but I've done it well. I'm very proud of so many things I've accomplished this year.

But I'm realizing now it's had another effect on me too.

Yesterday I was eating lunch with the other second grade English (as opposed to Judaic Studies) teachers and was really freaking out. "But I didn't do this! And they don't know that!"

They reminded me that I didn't used to think that way. I used to be more laid back, caring foremost that the kids were safe, happy and just learning something useful.

During my first year of teaching -- 8 years ago -- there was a particular teacher on my team who was Type A to the MAX! She had it all under control all the time and accomplished triple what I did every single day. I admired her a great deal, but I also felt tense around her. I think she tended to see the children more in terms of their deficits than their abilities. Eventually, I learned that my talents had more to do with making children feel at home with themselves, even if their work was far more impressive. I truly believed that everything they really needed to learn would come somehow if I just could make a comfortable environment in my room and trust them a little more.

I think I've lost some of that now. I want it back... my idealism, my calm, my imperfectionism. Believe me, I worried a lot then, and failed a lot too, by I had little choice to do otherwise. All first year teachers flounder the majority of the time.

I think I can get the old me back. I just need to trust myself, and the kids, a little more. I bet I'll be a more self-confident person for it.

Off To School

2009-05-14T06:01:00.003-04:00

Manners

2009-05-09T22:04:00.002-04:00

Lately ND has been experimenting with rudeness. I've even seen her rehearsing in the mirror how to tell others to keep away from her and things like that. I wonder how much is developmental and how much is from her peers at school.

In any case, when she's mad at me she often says, "I not your friend!" The other day she was saying it to me again and again in the car ride home. I'm not sure if she was mad or just having fun testing her limits.

I said, "I'm not even going to listen to you right now if you're not going to speak to me nicely."

She didn't care, continuing with "I not your friend" for awhile until it began to bother her that I wasn't responding.

So to be nice, she said, "I not your friend... please."

Un-road Trip

2009-05-01T18:42:00.001-04:00

Brother of a good friend of mine (who reads this blog).

Family

2009-05-01T13:50:00.004-04:00

My husband's parents... ND's grandparents... were here last weekend. We had a great time together.

In the meantime, at school I've been working with my second graders on their annual immigration project. It's a family history project in which they interview someone who immigrated to America, or interview someone about an immigrant.

The first year we did this at school, I asked my dad about the grandmother after whom I was named and who I never knew. I wrote a little about her immigration with what information we had as a way of practicing the project I was asking of my students.

I realized suddenly this year that I can't ask my grandfather now as he died in 2006. I guess I thought I didn't need to as he'd written a great deal already and I had done at least one project about him in high school. But it made me sad to realize that time had run out on being able to ask him more.

So then, with my in-laws in town, I decided to interview my mother-in-law who immigrated from Poland to Israel as a young child, and from Israel to the states when she was eleven. We'd talked about her history before, but this was my chance to actually document it and I do still need to write it all up.

It's been sad thinking about how all of ND's grandparents are so far away. U. grew up with a grandmother nearby, but I've never had family nearby except when I was living with my parents. Yom Hashoah was about a week and a half ago and thinking, too, about how much family was lost then to so many people really made me sad.

The good news is that we have telephones and internet and airplanes. People haven't always had the ability to go so far away except, of course, through loss. But just as people can go away more easily now, they can also come back.

In Retrospect

2009-04-24T18:49:00.004-04:00

In a certain sense
this week
I'm afraid to say
I failed.

I wanted
wanted
to approach the week
serene

to be present
to be perfect
to the point
that the pressure

put me over

the edge

The moment that I
accept
a willingness to fail

will be the moment
that I succeed.

The Chometz Is Back

2009-04-21T06:21:00.003-04:00

We put so much work into getting rid of chometz before Pesach. (Chometz is the breads, pastas, etc. that we're not allowed to eat on Pesach.)

Now that Pesach is over, I've been going chometz crazy with cravings all over the place.

Some people say that chometz symbolizes ego. For me this year, as I've noted, it was more about taking time out to be present, not shoveling food into my mouth but rather appreciated food and everything else I have from this world... from Hashem.

Yesterday was the first day back at school. I'd been mentally compartmentalizing everything school-related. So within the first hour there I was FLOODED by the input of what I need to work on from phone calls to parents to planning to anecdotals to even thinking about next year! I really rushed through the day a lot, and wondered if I could call back any of what I did over my break.

I'm happy to say that I did retain some of that awareness. I didn't go on food hunts at all and I felt basically calm all day despite the rush. I also felt, particularly in the morning, like I was in tune with both my colleagues and my students.

I know I can't expect it to stay this good, but that's because everything we do in life is actually a cycle. I know I tend to think that I accomplish things and then they're done, but they always need revisiting, even in a different form. The biggest thing I want ot work on now is not WORRYING when the day is done. I work hard in order to reach a point weekly or daily of being able to relax and regroup. I had a hard time with that last night. I had to tell myself, "THIS is what I've been working towards."

I could go into that more, but I need to get ready for work!

Pirkei Avot

2009-04-18T21:31:00.003-04:00

I spoke to my grandmother yesterday who remarked that I haven't been writing much in my blog. Wouldn't it be great if I could commit to writing once a day, even for the next week? I know it's not realistic, but I can dream.

About ND: Today she went on a big kid swing for the first time. When she did that I felt like she would marry tomorrow and leave me. She also can go up and down stairs sometimes without holding on to anything now. She recognizes songs she's heard before even if sung by different singers. She loves to play with our next door neighbor and we walked with them to a park today. The kids ran most of the way and we taught them how to stop when we said, "Ready, set stop!" before intersections and driveways.

About Judaism: There is so much more Torah learning here than there have been in any of the other places I've ever lived... at least in theory. Not much is happening in my community and I don't have time to go to classes during the week. It's traditional during the 7 weeks from Pesach (about leaving Egypt) to Shavuot (about receiving the Torah from Mount Sinai) to study Pirkei Avot. I'm tired of waiting for others to deliver it to me and tired of complaining. So I spontaneously sent out an email last week inviting people to learn here in my house. I've learned enough about Pirkei Avot in other contextx to start a conversation although I can't really teach about it well. So basically 2 people came and we had some great discussion.

The interesting thing is that before, during and after I felt incredibly self-conscious and anxious to be in this kind of leadership position of actually inviting others over to learn. I just have trouble setting things up and then taking the blame for imperfection, should any blame be placed.

All the more appropriate Hillel's quote,
If I am not for myself who will be for me? Yet, if I am for myself only, what am I? And if not now, when?

One part of that means, be who you are. No one else can do it for you.