browne eye blog now at neilbrowne.com

I've got my own web page!

2009-07-16T19:21:00.001-07:00

I've finally got around to making my own web page. I'll have blog posts, videos, my Twitter stream and photos. You can find it at www.neilbrowne.com

Tim Schamber talks design

2009-06-26T00:20:00.001-07:00

Please don't give me free energy drinks or I say stupid things.

2008-09-29T19:55:00.001-07:00

As I cruise the web I've continued to find either the random photos or videos of me doing stupid things at Interbike. Two things spring to mind: first - I'm an idiot and two - I should not be put on camera after downing coffee and numerous free energy drinks. That's just a bad combination. Right after this interview I had a stroke. I'm okay now, thanks for asking.

The Road Diaries

2008-09-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

SRAM has a web/video presence call the Road Diaries. Here is a video of me being interviewed and being a smart ass. At this point I hadn't crashed in the Industry Cup crit and was still feeling confident.

So who's the douche bag now?

2008-09-29T15:09:00.000-07:00

Two minutes later I was bleeding and wondering what the hell I was doing

Photo courtesy: Jonathan Devich

So with the thoughts of going two for two as a media winner I rolled out of the Venetian Hotel to the Mandalay Bay, the location for the USA Criterium championships. I knew that tonight's race was going to produce stiffer competition. VeloNews had brought several riders with them and their editor Ben Delaney and I had actually been on the same racing team many, many years ago. I knew that he was strong. I just hoped that fatherhood had slowed him down. Specialized also had a few ringers in their company. So the goal of the crit was the same as the cross race: talk a lot of shit then blow up spectacularly. Also not vomit.

I rolled around the infield of the crit as the women battled it out. At one point Johny Sundt came over to me with some prophet advice. "The asphalt is slick, so don't get out of the saddle when you in the turn." Good to know. Earlier that day we had a photo shoot with Freddy Rodriguez and I asked him if he was doing the race. "Hell no!" I pressed him for some advice. "Stay at the front and then camp out." Brilliant!

I knew that I was going to get called up to the line. As a fame whore I loved it. The crowd, the recognition, my fragile ego was being stroked to perfection. The downside to this was that I was at the front and had to at least make a good show of it for a few laps. This was the plan: work the front and then hide in the middle of the pack till I spewed. It was do-able plan.

The whistle blew and I was sprinting off the line like a wolf chased by an airborne Sarah Palin. I leaned my bike into the first turn no more than 75 feet into the race and suddenly my front wheel washed out and I hit the deck, sliding to the fence. In that one second of sliding all I could think about was that the next day was going to suck! I get up and who is standing at the fence is a bunch of my buddies from home. "Way to go Neil!"
"Thanks."
"You putting this on the blog?"
"Yeah, whatever."
My shorts are torn and I'm bleeding from my hip and elbow. My shoulder feels like I was hit by a pole and I have already formed a friction blister on my thumb as it slid on the ground. Other than that I'm good to go.

For a second I thought, "Fuck this, I'm calling it a night and crawling into a bottle of wine." As I remounted and rolled around the course people called my name or yelled "Go ROAD!" What the hell, I'll grab my free lap and reenter the fray.

I roll into the pit and I don't need to explain my situation to the referee. My ass is hanging out and I'm bleeding, you do the math as to what happened. As the peloton comes screaming around the corner I'm pushed into the field. We scream through the finish line and I start to set up for turn number one once again. However the three guys in front of me have other plans. Two of them go down in the exact same spot and the third sympathy crashes into them as well. With no where to go I head into the fence. With tires sliding I come to a halt, jammed up into the orange fencing. And like the gambler Kenny Rogers once said, "You gotta know when to fold them and when to hold them." I was done with this bloodbath. Untangling myself from the fence, I found the nearest pedestrian exit and got off the course.

"Heard you crashed. So who's the douche bag now?" It was my BFF gloating as I limped around the Interbike floor the next day. So I have to take back the douche bag of the month award as it is painfully obvious that I'm the douche. Also Vegas is good for two things only: drinking and gambling. I'm sticking to those next year.

I'm a winner!

2008-09-27T20:02:00.000-07:00

Pinning it to the finish line. And yes, that is a white skinsuit...

Photo courtesy: Fitness Chick

"Don't embarrass us!" These are the kind words that fellow ROAD Magazine editor Tim "The Scrambler" Schamber told me in the van as he drove me to the Cross Vegas race. Photographer Carson Blume and ROAD columnist Josh Kadis riding in the back grunted in agreement. The pressure was on.

As promised, every day at Dirt Demo and at Interbike I told everyone who would listen, and several who just plain ignored me, that I was in fact going to win. I had scored a pair of Shimano Dura-Ace tubeless wheels with Hutchinson tubeless cross tires from my buddy Steve Boehmke. I told him he'd better get ready for a press release proclaiming the tubeless tires first cross victory.

We got to the park and I warmed up. The buzz was no longer about Neil and what was expected to be a huge victory, but that Lance Armstrong was going to be racing in the pro race later in the evening. Damn that Armstrong for stealing my thunder!

I warmed up and got to staging, securing a front row position. But to my surprise the announcer called me up to the front starting grid which was around the corner from the staging zone. Oh I was big time!

With a bang from the starters gun and we were off! The heart rate went from a casual, "this is a nice evening to go for a ride in the park" to, "what the hell are you doing!!" The race was in full flight and within ten minutes I wanted to vomit. The reining cyclocross master national champ flies by me, then Mark McCormick, retired cx pro, jumps past me. He's in this race because he reps Fuji on the east coast. The national champ I throw an elbow at, which he took offense to. McCormick flies by me with at least a courtesy, "Hey Neil." I physically can't respond. I have moved into what psychologists call the reptilian stage, only concerned with basic functions and not dieing. My goal has now been reduced from the delusion of placing well to not soiling myself.

In the end I was passed by many riders but through out the race I heard my name yelled. I'm sure some were, "You suck!" but none the less they remembered my name which is all a fame whore like myself wants. A buddy of mine was there and started to call out time splits. However he quickly realized the futility of this as there was no way I was going to jump to the lead group. He switched tactics and started to yell encouragement on following laps. With one last push I crossed the line spewing spittle and snot like a rabid dog. My gums hurt. My lungs were searing. But damn it I was a winner! I beat the four other riders in the media category claiming the gold cow bell inscribed with Cross Vegas Winner. Then I vomited by the van. God I love cross...

To the victor go the spoils

You can do almost anything in Vegas except get beer during the cross race

2008-09-23T19:30:00.000-07:00

I'm pinning it to win it in Vegas

So I’m chilling watching my Tivo’ed episodes of Frisky Dingo when my cell phone snaps to life. My ring tone of the week? Cat party. Anyways I digress. It’s one of the promoters of the Vegas Cross race giving me a call. We exchange pleasantries and he starts to get into the reason of this phone call.

“So you’re racing the cross. We’re happy to have you there.”

“Hell yeah I’m racing! I’m going to kick ass and take names!” I’m in full blarney mode now and just getting started.

“That’s great. I heard you were going to get beer hand ups during the race.”

“Hell yeah I am! Booya!” I really don’t know what “booya” means but I saw it on MTV and thought it sounded cool.

“Yeah…the problem is that you can’t get unauthorized beer hand-outs during the race. It’s actually against the UCI rules.”

“UC who? Are those guys still in charge of anything?” Now my excitement for getting slightly intoxicated while racing is slipping away. I know my dad, at whatever pub he’s posted up at, is laughing at me.

“Yeah, you can’t drink while racing. And if you do take anything you’ll be disqualified”

So now I’m changing my strategy. I’m attacking from the first lap and leading it from soup to nuts. Then I’m getting sloppy.

And the douche bag of the month goes to....

2008-09-15T16:33:00.000-07:00

Being at the Tour of Missouri delayed me slightly in crowning my douche-bag of the month award. While at the Tour I encountered several more douche-like moments that I thought would change my mind. For example, the local reporter who demanded that the press room should be quiet and then pitched a fit when it wasn't. News flash buddy, you're the reporter for the Rolla Bee, not the New York Times. Swallow that painful realization that you're stuck writing about Buddy the 400 pound pig at the state fair and will never make it to the big show. You probably just suck. Accept it. Then there was the lady on my flight home who had to continually get up due to some medical malady. I don't blame her for whatever ails her, but why did you pick the f'ing middle isle than! However I have decided to stick with my original douche of the month. With statements like, “Bringing a bike to Interbike is counter productive,” and “Cross Vegas will get in the way of my drinking.” and finally, “I will only beat you anyways” the douche of the month goes to my BFF from Bicycling Magazine. The guy was literally doing 150 mile training rides in the Alps last week as I was stuffing myself with media room sandwiches and he has the nerve to say he doesn’t want to race. So my challenge to him is to sack-up, don’t be a douche, and race.

Douche Bag of the month award

2008-09-10T21:51:00.000-07:00

I know you, the three readers, are dying to know who my pick as “Douche Bag of the month” award goes to. Trust me there were numerous nominees. But I have it narrowed down to one individual, who has a chance to redeem themselves before I announce it. Stay tuned…

Training is over rated

2008-09-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

It is getting nearer to Cross Vegas which should mean one thing, I should be training. Unfortunately that hasn’t been the case. Damn work and travel has screwed up my plans to dominate the Media category at the race. Neighbor Tony Cruz has been talking smack about how he is doing to kill it at Cross Vegas. At the time I told him he’d better bring his “A” game as I’m not only bringing it, but I have already brought it. Well the only thing I’m bringing to Vegas this year is a case of Red Bull and cheap vodka. So I’m going with plan “B”, I’m getting completely plastered during the race. However when I need advice about such things I know of only one other person to talk to, Thomas Browne, otherwise know as dad.
“Did you finally do the E’tape yet?”
“Yeah dad, I told you about it.”
“Ay I remember now. You really buggered that one up!”
“Yeah whatever. I got a question for you. I’m doing ‘cross at Interbike and I haven’t been training. I figure I’ll just get plowed during the race from beer hand-ups. Suggestions?”
“That’s the most sensible thing I’ve heard you say in a long time. Did I tell you the time when my squad did a ‘cross race in Wales completely snuckered?” From there it is a ten minute story of how the youngest guy on my dad’s team passed out during the race and almost drown in a puddle, which, of course is very hilarious. And he asks about the Bikes Gone Wild guy. So with my dad’s blessing I’m going to be looking for beer hand-ups during the race. Ideally be placed at the run up barricades as I will already be off my bike and can grab one. Don’t worry they don’t need to be cold.

Warning, may contain nut parts

2008-09-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

I’m in Greenville at the time trial minding my own business. As I’m wandering around someone I know who works for the race sees me and walks over.

“Are you staying out of trouble?” she jokingly asks. At this point I’m suffering from a sever case of swamp-ass due to the extreme humidity of the south, but I humor her.

I smile. “Sure am!” She and I have a bit of history. When Tim and I land in the pressroom she is banging out press releases about whatever race we’re at. She has often told us we’re the funniest ones at “insert town name here.” But at the same time whenever we come in she moves away from us, which I don’t blame her for. We’re annoying.

“You are such a troublemaker! We may take away your press credentials!”

I laugh because that is, at times, that’s what I secretly want. And press credentials really don’t do anything other than secure a quality parking spot near the race. But then it got me to self-reflect, which is something I shouldn’t do under any circumstances. Why am I such a troublemaker? Am I just an a-hole or as someone recently called me, “eccentric?” Isn’t eccentric just a nice way of saying odd? This is when I spotted Floyd Landis. He’d know.

Landis and I have bonded over a mutual self-distain for people taking themselves so seriously. A couple of years ago we got into the conversation of becoming pirates. He said he looked into it and it wasn’t a smart career move. I disagreed. The way the housing bubble is now and with more jobs being moved over-seas, it seemed like an ideal time to take up piracy. Anyways we bickered about it and we agreed to disagree. Then we watched the YouTube video of Kid Rock getting into a fight at Waffle House.

So the moral of the story is that there is no moral. I’m gong to continue to blame my parents for their poor parenting skills and harass staff at races because it makes me smile.

Breaking news!

2008-08-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

There is going to be a series of Battlestar Galactica movies. Holy crap I'm so excited I can hardly stand it! I really need to train more or get another hobby...

I'm kinda a big deal

2008-08-19T11:19:00.000-07:00

I posted a blog on the ROAD Magazine website. Spoiler alert: I'm a big deal in Missouri.

Checking back in with my little buddy

2008-08-18T07:11:00.001-07:00

Well I’m proud to say that my BFF finished the Canadian TransRockies mountain bike stage race. For a moment I thought he might say f’ it and quit, however he dug deep and completed it several hours behind the winner. Mike states in his last blog post that he is amazed that Specialized rented an RV for him. Mike is too modest. Mike wields a huge amount of power in the cycling industry. One word from him and a companies’ $600 hybrid is either going to be the most successful bike ever or the albatross around their neck bringing them to the brink of bankruptcy. So don’t believe his self effacing ways, I know better. In his blog Mike seemed to be disgusted by the fact that human waste had been dumped in front of his RV. I know Mike and out of the two things in life he loves, talking about feces is one of them. And like a pig in slop, he probably couldn’t have been happier to see that biological disaster at his front door. He’s filthy that way.

Anyways congratulations and you actually didn’t suck too bad this time. Now man-up and do Vegas 'Cross!

Douche of the month goes to…

2008-08-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

Last month I didn’t get around to my douche of the month award because I was a douche myself and didn’t get around to it. But just to get you up to speed, last month’s douche was Cadel Evans. “Whaaa, don’t touch my slightly injured shoulder” or my favorite or “I’ll cut your head off if you step on my dog!” WTF Cadel! When did you become Paris Hilton and start dragging a rat-sized dog with you? Did you every see Merckx on the podium with some emasculating dog? It’s not like your country doesn’t have some cool dogs. Get a dog with balls like the Australian sheep dog if you are concerned about it getting squashed. That dog might be able to herd you out of possible dangerous situations.

This month the douche award goes to the Spanish cycling federation. Apparently they are bitching and moaning about Leipheimer’s aero extensions on his tt bike. Listen, you guys have your hands full keeping your riders from doing things they aren’t supposed to be doing. If I was you I’d concentrate on that. I’m just saying…

Checking in with my little buddy at TransRocky

2008-08-14T15:51:00.001-07:00

This is the email I got from Mike this morning, "You're a funny guy.Yes, I'm finishing this one." Well let's not count our chickens before they hatch.

What he doesn't realize is that I've used reverse psychology in order to goad him into finishing. My verbal jabs have made him dig deep and finish the TransRocky stage race. Otherwise he knew that I would verbally abuse him till he cried like a little girl. I know that on Stage 2, as he was hiking up some god forsaken dirt trail and he wanted to quit, he was thinking of my post and knew he had to finish. Stage 2 was typical with mountain bike stage races, there was a complete f'-up and they all got lost or something stupid like that. Well I'm happy he's gutting it out and going to finish it because he has to got to get ready for Vegas 'cross. Unless he comes up with some lame ass excuse not to toe the line.

Tour de France horn ringtone

2008-08-13T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'll say this right away, ringtones are stupid and nine times out of ten very embarrassing. However this all changed very recently. On my last press junket I went to the A2 wind tunnel to check out how aero the Specialized helmets and bikes are. During the Tour, Nic Sims from Specialized had his film crew record an authentic Tour de France team car's horn, which he then converted to a ring tone. Needless to say I had to have it. Nic emailed me the file and I immediately converted it to a ringtone on my iPhone. Now I've posted it on the ROAD Magazine MySpace page. You can download it and then convert it to a ringtone for your own phone. Now you are as cool as Tim and I. And I guess Nic Sims is kinda cool to.

Tim and I being cool at breakfast

Random iPhone images

2008-08-12T21:00:00.001-07:00

Since I’ve been off the back with my blogging I’ve missed out on posting a few interesting iPhone camera moments.

Art guy Tim “The Scrambler” Schamber was on holiday in Hawaii and came back with a tattoo and a full body tan. Ask Tim what the tattoo means and he’ll tell you all about it. Ask him about his full body tan and he’ll tell you about that as well.

Randomly ran into Brad Huff training on P.C.H. after his return from China. We had an interesting conversation about the Tour of Qinghai Lake and helped me with questions to ask Tyler Hamilton.

I met this guy at the Manhattan Beach G.P. Enough said...

I went back to the bump in the road that almost killed me back in June and cursed at it.

Was in a public bathroom in North Carolina and some guy named B.J. left his phone number on the wall. I don’t know why.

This is not a Bicycling Magazine affiliated blog so beat it

2008-08-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

My BFF

For those who, on a whim, clicked my link from Mike Cushionbury’s blog at Bicycling.com and is looking for the best bikes under $600, tips to climb faster in ten days or some feel good story, immediately hit the “back” button. For those intrepid readers who are Bicycling Magazine readers I congratulate you for continuing. Now you might be wondering why Cush has linked me to his massive Bicycling Magazine site. Cush and I have a back-story. We’ve known each other for over 15 years when we both worked in retail hell at a bike shop. Somehow we’ve stayed in the industry one way or another. Cush has been in the magazine side much longer than me and is truly a seasoned veteran of the publishing game. And right now he is doing some mountain bike stage race in Canada from which he is blogging. And I’m sure he’ll have delightful stories of overcoming adversity. Let me give you the real scoop. He’s done these types of events before and I admire him for lining up. However Cush chokes more times than a two dollar whore. Now I really do love the guy, but in one stage race he dropped out 40 minutes into the first stage! What the hell! Now somehow he’s suckered Specialized to let him race on some kind of mountain bike. Just to be clear, Cush on his worst day with me on my best and he’d still stomp mud holes in me on the bike. In my own defense Cush’s job at Bicycling is to just be Cushionbury. Editorially wise his day is filled with writing pithy sentences on what’s hot or not on some bike or how he’s riding something cool and you’re not. My day is filled with phone calls, conducting interviews, transcribing, writing reviews and miscellaneous crap that pops up. That doesn’t leave me with a lot of training time. Our typical phone call exchanges go like this;

Cush: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Working.”

Cush: “I just got done doing the lunch ride on the new (insert new bike or product here).”

Me: “Go screw yourself!”

Cush: “Hey, what’s your little magazine’s circulation? I think we give away more than you sell.”

Me: “God I hate you!”

Magazine circulation is a penis measuring contest. It’s kind of a secret, but you also want everyone to know how big it is.

Bicycling Magazine readers don’t despair. He’s been doing some top secret training with Floyd Landis while checking out the new Dura-Ace electronic shifters. And I’m sure he won’t quit right away so continue to read his posts. I really do hope my little buddy finishes. I will also continue to read his posts and break down the b.s. and give you the real scoop.

This is what I've been doing, as if you care.

2008-08-12T09:32:00.000-07:00

The Vegas 'cross in full effect. I'm trying to get Schamber to race

I’ve finally feel like I’ve gotten ahead of the game so I thought I’d write a couple of jumbled thoughts. I’ve been doing a crap load of traveling lately and was starting to feel the burn. Even as I write this I’m in the airport on my way to Utah for their Tour of whatever. My form, while showing flashes of brilliance, has gone from mediocre to getting winded climbing my stairs. I’m resigned to the fact that my season is over and it’s time to shift gears and think about ‘cross. I’ve signed up for the media race at Interbike. I’ll train, but my goal is to see how much of a nuisance I can be during the race and then at any post-race activities. I’m going big at Interbike and I’ve warned my kidneys about it. And what blog post wouldn’t be complete without checking in with my parents across the pond? Naturally I told my parents about completing the E’Tape ride. Dad wants the facts.
“How long were you on the bike?”
“Totally was eight hours, 40 minutes.”
“Jesus, that’s slow!”
“I took my time and enjoyed it. Plus it rained.” Dad is not satisfied with that response.
“Did you even train?” Not training is a major sin.
“Yeah.”
“Shit. Talk to your mother.”
“Neil this is your mother. Are you still riding your bike?”
I love my parents.

Rolling large and in charge at Home Depot

2008-08-10T09:39:00.001-07:00

I’m at Home Depot doing my thing when I spot this guy rolling through the aisles. I had to know his story. I approached him and asked about the chicken on the room of his cart. With a devilish smile he replied, “”I’m the biggest cock in town!” I told him that the sensible accessory he needed to add to the cock-mobile was 22” spinner wheels and I backed away. Either that guy is hitting deep to center field at Leisure World with the ladies or he’s got bodies buried under his trailer.

Now I know where my $10 co-pays goes

2008-07-21T09:06:00.000-07:00

I received this e-mail from my H3 Publications/ROAD Magazine appointed psychologist Noel, "Check out my new bike. Its a Vanilla Speedvagen...and its the best all around/stage race bike I've ever ridden. I never imagined a steel bike could feel edgy, sharp and weaponized. 16.2 lbs and the best part is that hot Asian little fashiony girls at coffee places think I'm cool. Screw mass produced bikes, handmades are out of this world performance bikes too."
Damn...hot chicks still point at me and laugh...

Sweet! No one is sitting next to me

2008-07-13T16:25:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I'd get screwed by having someone sit next to me I have an empty seat. Time to stretch out. Ten hours to Germany and I'm going to pop a Vicadine and pass out!

I'm bored

2008-07-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

So I'm waiting for my flight and as usual my mood for dealing with all this travel is at a low. I've already started to listen to my "Moody" playlist on my iPod. At least I have a poodle on my 11 hour flight.

Wasn't I just here?

2008-07-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

I'm the LAX airport on my way back to Europe. This time it's to see
the new Dura-Ace group. Out first stop is Germany and then we are
supposed to see the Tour. I'll take photos and post them on the ROAD
website for your entertainment and education.