One Word, One Rung, One Day

Family Fun -- A My Town Monday Post

2008-10-06T00:01:00.007-05:00

Halloween is a big event around my house. My wife collects Department 56 Halloween village pieces, my oldest son's birthday is October 31st, and then there is the candy for me and my youngest. We both have a serious sweet tooth.

So having said all of that. We, as a family enjoy anything Halloweenish we can do together and The Amazingly Fun Farm just to the southeast of Amarillo fits that bill.

The above shot is of my boys playing king of the hay. but of course the farm's main attraction is an eight acre corn maize. This year's pattern is reflective of the upcoming election.

The farm also has a pick your own pumpkin and gourd patch, a pneumatic corn cannon, a hayride, and other assorted activities.

But instead of describing everything let me show you pictures. We arrived late afternoon, but by the time we got to the maze dark had set in and let me tell you it's pitch black in their among the 8 foot corn stalks. I enjoyed scaring the boys as well as Jennifer at nearly every turn.

I have more pictures an a video of the corn cannon in action that I will try to load tomorrow, but blogger is giving me fits right now and it has taken all afternoon and evening to get this many pics up. (UPDATE -- Corn cannon and more pics have been added to the very bottom of this post) I really like this last shot. As I said it was pitch black except for when the flash of my camera went off. If you notice in the upper right of this picture there is some kind of flying critter that I caught mid flight. (You can click to enlarge if need be.)

Of course me being the storyteller that I am I had the boys convinced it was some kind of fairy that lives in corn patches, but as always Jennifer called bullshit and convinced them it was just a bug.

She never lets me have any fun.

And please don't forget to visit my giving page on DonorChoose.org to help kids in public schools fall in love with books and reading.

For more post about other towns, please check back her for the links to

OTHER MY TOWN MONDAYERS.

Debra -- Cuyahoga Valley, Ohio
Patti Abbott -- Detroit, Michigan
Barrie Summy -- San Diego, California
Lyzzydee -- Welwyn Garden City, England
Terrie Farley Moran (Women of Mystery) -- Edgewater, New Jersey
Clair Dickson -- Livingston County, Michigan
Barbara Martin -- Toronto, Canada
Junosmom -- Kentucky
Lois Templin -- Minnesota
Mary Nix -- Olmsted Falls, Ohio

This Sucks

2008-10-04T09:18:00.000-05:00

"Things ain't what they used to be."

A word of caution. Uttering the above phrase is one of the signs of old age. I can't tell you how many times I've rolled my eyes as some old-timer used those words to launch into a spiel about his old '64 Ford that lasted 27 years and three hundred thousand miles.

Sure those old cars and trucks were made out of actual metal. Sure they could survive numerous fender benders that nowadays total the plastic and fiberglass vehicles we drive. But those old jalopies also got 7 miles to the gallon and had the maneuverability of a fat kid playing dodgeball.

however this post isn't about fat kids or cars for that matter. Rather it's about my own bitch and gripe about things not being what they used to be.

But I'm not railing about cars, electronics, or some other shoddy merchandise offered in this modern time. I'm griping about something that really sucks these days ... straws.

The decline in quality straws is the plague of fast food establishments. Remember when McDonalds had those really thick straws? The ones that would collapse no matter how hard you sucked on that shake? Nowadays you're damn lucky if you can get your straw out of its thin paper wrapper without bending and breaking it.

Taco Bell is the worse. The other day it took me three tries to find a straw that didn't already have a slit in the side. Come one people I can survive on hamburger patties so thin you can read through them, I can even tolerate stale tortillas and runny hot sauce, but I don't wanna have to daintily sip my Dr. Pepper through a straw so thin that Trojan should start making their prophylactics out of it. Ultra-sensitive condoms I get, but a straw doesn't require the same level of feeling.

I'm pleading with you straw makers. Bring back the quality control. Thicker really is better.

I'm sure all of you think I've lost my mind and probably I have. And while I am getting crotchety and acting more like an old man all the time I do remember one time when the great straw crisis (as only I am calling it) was even worse than today's. When was that you ask?

Elementary school.

Of all the stupid notions in the world none is dumber than the concept of paper straws. Remember those? Really they were like paper mache straws. Not quite cardboard but a bit thicker than regular paper. Nevertheless they would be all soggy and limp before you finished your carton of milk. (good thing I didn't use the condom analogy here) Did other schools in other parts of the country have those straws? do you know what I'm talking about. Heck you couldn't even use them to shoot a good spitball.

Back when I was in elementary school the only thing worse than the straw was the tiny little scraps of square toilet paper. It took about a jillion to do any good and while they were as thin as tissue paper they were as rough as as a sixty year old barmaids voice.

Yes, this post has turned into a general rant, but I'm still a bit grouchy after my crappy week.

Anybody else having trouble with straws. Got any bad memories of elementary school? Other products that ain't what they used to be?

Catching Up

2008-10-03T10:37:00.000-05:00

This has been the week from hell. I had to resort to a video for My Town Monday, I never did get around to posting a Two Line Tuesday, and now here it is Friday and I'm desperately trying to play catch up so I'll be ready for the coming week. So here is a rundown of my week.

Sunday's flag football game was a heart breaker for the boys. After being up 13 -12 at half and 19 to 12 with less than three minutes left we lost 20-19. I called a bad play at the end and we turned the ball over but the kids are learning an despite being saddened about being 0-2 I think they are having a great time this season. They have already progressed in their knowledge of the game and its execution far more than I thought they would this season. I know I promised pics and I will get some up later.

Monday was a tough day at work, but critique that night was nice. By the way I have chosen bachelorette #4(the bull semen story) so expect snips here and there especially on Two Line Tuesday.

Speaking of Tuesday, it was even worse far as work goes and football practice was an exercise in frustration as the kids apparently been snacking on sugar cubes since they were all very hyper.

Wednesday -- worked sucked. Sensing a theme yet? After work I received a call from my mom that her well was messing up so I wound up going over and digging four foot down in the mud to find a broken pipe, while swarms of mosquitoes dined on my flesh.

Thursdays it was my wife's birthday. I took her lunch then finished up the plumbing work at my mom's and then ate an early supper out with the family before football practice. The boys turned in their best practice ever and I'm confidant they will play well this weekend when we have two more games. After practice I swung by Sam's and bought my wife a birthday present. Yes I know I'm a procrastinator and should be shot for waiting until 7:30 PM the day of to buy her gift. By the way I bought perfume. Lacoste's Touch of Pink.

Today, I'm sitting in a coffee shop waiting on another critique partner to show. I'm plan to catch up on a few blogs and get geared up to start my crazy week all over again when I head back to work in the morning.

On the plus side, I did manage to get a decent amount of work in on the new novel, my son had his best report card ever, and I have settled on this years Halloween costume. Don't worry I'll post pics of our annual Halloween party but I'll want you know my costume is a bit politically incorrect (but funny as hell) this year.

And if you are in the market for a good thriller to read please check out Karen Dionne's novel Freezing Point which was released earlier this week. She is the aunt of blogging pal Melanie Avila.

I hope things have been running a bit smoother for all of you. I hope to have a tongue in cheek post up tomorrow titled, Thing's Ain't What They Used To Be, but then again things haven't gone exactly to plan lately so who knows.

A Worthy Cause

2008-10-01T17:15:00.006-05:00

I've been writing seriously for about seven years now. And in that time I've heard and read countless claims that that people don't read the way they used to, and therefore the book biz is dying a painful death.

Sadly there is some truth to those claims, but I truly believe people will always go for a good story, or yearn to learn something new. I believe there is a book and genre out there for everyone -- it's just a matter of making that match.

I fell in love with reading, books and fictional stories at a young age. That love has never faded. Now I have the opportunity through this blog to help other kids discover the love of reading.

I recently made the comment in a Post that I should probably do more charitable giving. I have been given that chance now by a cool organization called DonorsChoose.org.

Donors Choose is an organization that helps public school teachers find the funds needed to maximize their student's learning experience. They have a wide variety of project and locales and a donor can choose exactly what projects they wish to donate to. This month DonorsChoose is holding a blogger challenge and they invited me to participate. I hoping many of my readers will take the plunge and donate a few bucks to the projects I've selected, or if you don't like those take a bit of time and look around the site until you find a project that does catch your eye.

Of course the projects I've selected all have to do with books and reading. As a writer it is to my benefit to help insure there will be a generation of readers for the future and as a reader I hope there will also be a generation of talented writers churning out books for me to read in my old age. The widget will stay at the top of my blog for the entire month of October, but the projects may change, especially if enough of you help out this worthwhile cause. My hope is that I will have to add more projects once the ones I've selected have been funded. You can give as little as $5, or the price of a single Whopper combo before tax. Give and I'll buy you a burger if I ever get the chance.

Thanks,

Travis

By the way the widget says GIVE TO Travis Erwin, but just to be clear the money you donate goes straight to the classroom. It does not come my way or fund my rum habit. Also here is a direct link to my giving page.

My Town Monday

2008-09-29T00:02:00.012-05:00

I didn't get a My Town Monday post written up on my days off this week and my weekend in packed full of flag football games and what not so I have no real post to offer this week . Instead I'll give y'all a video from one of the funniest people to ever call the Texas Panhandle home.

Ron White first gained national fame as part of the Blue Collar comedy tour alongside Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Larry the Cable Guy.

Ron usually performs his act clad in all black, smoking, and sipping scotch. He hails from Fritch, Texas which is 30 miles northeast of Amarillo.

You can buy his CDs,DVDs, and book here. Or find his official website here. For those of you in or around Amarillo, he is scheduled to appear on Amarillo on October 11th.

OTHER MY TOWN MONDAYERS

Melanie Avila -- Zihuatanejo, Mexico
Barrie Summy -- San Diego, California
Linda McLaughlin -- San Clemente, California
Junosmom -- Kentucky
Clare2E (Women of Mystery) -- Bear Mountain, New York
Becky Levine -- Arroyo Grande, California
Reb -- Edmonton, Alberta, Canada
Beth Yarnell -- Tustin, California
Clair Dickson -- Rural, Michigan (Livingston County)
Patti Abbott -- Urban, Michigan (Detroit)
Barbara Martin -- Toronto, Canada
Joshua -- St Louis, Missouri
Ruth Kaufman -- Chicago Illinois
J.L. Krueger -- Kabul, Afghanistan
Lyzzydee -- Welwyn Garden City, England
Mary Nix -- North Ridgeville, Ohio
Chris Eldin -- Baltimore, Maryland
Debra -- Peninsula, Ohio
PreTzel -- Border War Iowa .VS. Missouri

Put Me in Coach

2008-09-27T13:58:00.005-05:00

The juggernaut that is the 2nd grade St Mary's flag football team played their first game today. They moved the ball quite well within the twenties, but had trouble punching it in at times. And the defense played extremely well holding the other team to negative yardage most of the time, but two 60+ yard runs was enough, as St Mary's lost 12-6.

Must have been poor coaching that prevented the win, but I am happy to report everyone was smiling as we left the field. I'll try to get someone to take pictures of tomorrow's game.

I may or may not get a My Town Monday up this week but at the very least, I'll have the links from others up so if you post let me know.

And I'm quite sad to hear about Paul Newman's death. My favorite role of his was as Sully in the movie version of Richard Russo's Nobody's Fool. If you haven't seen it, or read the novel you should.

While I'm Away

2008-09-26T09:40:00.001-05:00

I'm trying to get back in the groove of my fiction writing so that means y'all get a generic fill in the blank meme post today. I found this one over at Mom-in-Scrubs blog.

A:Accent: Come admit it. Y'all would be disappointed if I didn't have a decidedly Texas twang and who m I to disappoint.

B:Breakfast or no Breakfast: Breakfast is best served at 2 AM as a dessert to a night of rum guzzling.

C:Chore I hate: Every last one of them. By nature I'm a lazy person in all aspects except writing, fishing, and hunting.

D:Dog or Cat: Two dogs. Well one dog and one rodent. The chih-weenie dog is worthless, but my Chesapeake Bay Retriever is at least bigger than my shoe.

E:Essential Electronics: Laptop. Otherwise I'd be silenced.

F:Favorite Perfume: Yeah, I'll get back to you on this one. When I buy my wife perfume I have to go to the counter and do a bloodhound impersonation because I can't remember the names of that stuff.

G:Gold or Silver: I wear neither and if I'm buying for my wife I go for silver because I'm basically a tight wad.

H:Handbag I carry most often: Can we change that to handgun?

I:Insomnia: When the writing is going well I sleep poorly because I can't get the characters to shut-up and go to sleep when I need them to.

J:Job Title: The Post Office has more acronyms than idiotic supervisors. My title is MMPE which stands for Mechanic of Mail Processing Equipment or some other such crap. I work on the automate machines that sort your mail.

K:Kids: Two boys T age 7 an Z 5. They actually have unique (or weird if you prefer) names but we'll just use their initials here.

L:Living Arrangement: Ramshackle house in the sticks but someday soon we're going to build our very own hillbilly mansion.

M:Most admirable trait: I'm a pretty good diplomat until I'm good and pissed then I'll simply tell you to go to hell.

N:Naughtiest childhood behavior: Me and this guy once went through a phase of stealing hood ornaments.

O:Overnight Hospital Stays: Ablation for my heart and ankle surgery from a hockey incident.

P:Phobias: Talking heads of lettuce, especially if they are saying, "Eat me."

Q:Quote: "A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book." ~ Ernest Hemingway.Ernest Hemingway

R:Reason to smile: Why not?

S:Siblings: One brother. Six years older.

T:Time I wake up: Too damn early. Six-ish because my wife has a very loud hair dryer.

U:Unusual Talent or skill: I got mad skillz. I'm just trying to figure out what they are.

V:Vegetable I refuse to eat: ALL OF THEM!

W:Worst Habit: Procrastination

X:X-rays: My ankle when I snapped both bones in the above mentioned hockey incident.

Y:Yummy Stuff: Meat. Fresh caught walleye, marinated elk tenderloin, grilled shrimp, steak, teriyaki chicken.

Z:Zoo animal I like the most: Bears are cool, otter an seals are fun, once some some Orangutan love at Cheyenne Mountain zoo is Colorado Springs an that was educational.

Play along if you wish or tell me which of these we agree on or which make me seem crazier than a vegetarian butcher.

Swag

2008-09-25T15:45:00.001-05:00

Me friends and family have been at it a'gin. Ye olde treasure chest is getting full-o piratey booty.

Writer pal extraordinaire Debbie Elliott-Upton and her equally talented daughter Misty supplied these gems in congratulations of me finishing Plundered Booty.

Rest assured laddies that I look just like that in me skivvies. T'aint got no socks of that caliber however.

And those skull and crossbones pencils will come in handy when it's time to edit the code.

And the red dirt is because Plundered booty is set mostly in the fictional town of Red Dirt, Oklahoma. Both Debbie and Misty pillaged and plundered me manuscript in order to whip into ship shape so if you're a mind do me a favor, pop over to Debbie's blog today and tell her I sent ya.

And this last bit 'o booty is the work of my own Anne Bonney. Yep, me wife gave me these washrags.

Hope yer crew is treatin' ya as well as mine is me.

Hey Baby! Wanna Dance?

2008-09-24T17:11:00.000-05:00

So as I mentioned yesterday I am having commitment issues. No, not with my fabulous wife ... with my writing. Here's where I'm at right now, writing wise.

Plundered Booty is finished and I have began querying.

I've been working on a few short stories, but for me they feel more like one night stands and while they are fun for a while, I'm more of a long term relationship kind of guy. I need a novel so that I can sink my teeth into a group of characters and story. I applaud the short story writer that is full of ideas and can roll from one story into another. That is not me. For the most part, I need to spend vast quantities of time with my fictional peeps to really make them come alive.

But committing to that long term relationship is easier said than done. In many ways it is no easier than finding that special someone to spend your life with.

Some of those brilliant flashes turn out to be momentary lust. An idea that sounds great in your head and gets you excited doesn't always have enough substance to sustain your initial enthusiasm. And there is no worse feeling as a writer than waking up six months into a project realizing you no longer like, much less love all those words resting on the white pillowy pages beside you.

Sadly, sometimes you have to spend a good bit of time with your ideas before you realize she talks to plants, cats, and parakeets because they are the only things capable of tolerating her craziness. Wait, I was talking about books. Sorry, didn't mean to meander off the path.

And even if you weed through the bad, sometimes the choices are still tough.

Maybe you fall in love with an idea, but are afraid that your parents -- I mean agents, editors, and ultimately book buyers will not see it's charm. Sure love is love, but it's nice if someone pays for the wedding. Otherwise, you and your book might have to elope to Vegas get hitched in the Chapel of PublishAmerica. That's not a very solid foundation for a marriage, I mean career.

Then there is the fear that this next book is your rebound love. You find yourself comparing it's characters to your last works protagonist. Over time it might not measure up. You start asking yourself. What if my last book takes off. What if it sells well? What if my agent, editor or readers expect a book just like the last one? What if they dump me for a waiter they met at the Cracker Barrel?

If you're not a writer and you've managed to read this far let me answer the question now on your mind. Yes, we writers are that neurotic.

And then, even when you do fall head over heels in love and say this is is this is the one for me, you're still not out of the woods. The questions come. Can I write this or is the story too big? Can I love honor and obey? Provide for, shelter, and remain faithful? Trust me it ain't easy to make a commitment with such doubts filling your head. That is where I am at.

Right now I'm sitting in the literary lounge staring across the smoke-filled room at a handful of beauties. Some are familiar, some are not. Let me describe them in an effort to explain why I can't decide to ask who wants to dance.

Bachelorette #1

I have this desire to rewrite my very first novel. A tale of love and lies set in small town Texas. I still believe in the plot and now that I am a better writer I think I could make the story work. But I failed to nurture the relationship the last time, otherwise it would be sitting in Barnes and Noble right now rather than my hard-drive. Even though a draft of this one is complete, there is a good bit of work needed. One POV character needs a complete overhaul as does a portion of the plot and the whole thing needs more humor. But we all know it ain't easy to change someone. Then again you never get over your first love.

Bachelorette #2

She's new and shiny, but is my attraction based in lust. Will the story be enough to sustain a novel. And there is that pesky research that could get me in trouble. (Think trains and hobos) The excitement of starting anew is on the side of this one but many many details would still need to be worked out. I'd be starting from scratch, but this one would be the most likely to satisfy readers who liked Plundered Booty.

Bachelorette # 3

A novel a started, but abandoned when a few trusted people in the business said it would be a hard sale. A dark comedy with a complex plot and an unhappy but satisfying ending. I already failed to form a lasting relationship once, is it worth trying again? This one has my personal eye, but in this day and age you have to choose project with the market in mind. Yesterday's snippet comes from chapter three of this one. I have four already written. Very Un-Booty-ish should that novel find a home.

Bachelorette #4

Another comedy with strong elements of women's fiction. I ditched her for Plundered Booty. If I really loved her would I have been able to do that? And I'm still a big hairy Texan and I know from past experience people seem to doubt my ability to write women's fiction before they've read a single word. But it's a fun story involving bull semen, a myspace addiction, and bass fishing. I've already written a hundred pages of this story. Somewhat Booty-ish.

Stay tuned I let you know when I select a dance partner.

Got any advice?

Two Fer

2008-09-23T09:14:00.001-05:00

Two Line Tuesday

First from my reading this week ...

" ... Tell about what we're gonna have in the garden and about the rabbits in the cages and about the rain in the winter and the stove, and how thick the cream is on the milk like you can hardly cut it. Tell about that George."

That excerpt comes from the classic, Of Mice and Men by John SteinbeckI enjoy going back and rereading some of the classics. I tend to enjoy them more now that there is no homework involved
And from my own work.

MERRY CHRISTMAS – HAPPY HOLIDAYS – SEASONS GREETINGS - At least the slogans made sense and didn’t look half bad, but the cross-eyed reindeer she’d drawn reminded him of a retarded Great Dane, Frosty looked like a giant pile of lumpy mashed potatoes - even with the top hat, and Santa? If Jabba the Hut and Burl Ives had a love child, Dwayne figured it would pretty much look like the hideous rendition of Ol’ Saint Nick now painted on his store window.

The above description comes from an as yet untitled story I've been playing around with. The story may or may not become my next novel project. I can't quite decide. matter of fact i plan to blog tomorrow or the next day about my commitment issues and why I still have settled on a book length project to follow up Plundered Booty with.

Be sure and check out the Women of Mystery blog for links to more participants in Two Line Tuesday.

A Corny Mystery Solved -- A My Town Monday Post

2008-09-22T00:01:00.007-05:00

The world is full of unsolved mysteries.

Who built Stonehenge?
Does Bigfoot/Sasquatch/The Yeti really exist?
What came first the chicken or the egg?

I don't have an answer for any of those compelling questions but I can shed some light on another of the world's most wondered about enquiries ... Who invented the corndog?

The claim to the prize is battered and fried in doubt.

Some say the Corny Dog made it's debut at the 1942 Texas State Fair in Dallas.

The Pronto Pup folks claim to have rolled out the tasty treat at the 1941 Minnesota State Fair.

Then there is the proprietors of the Cozy Dog Drive-In located in Springfield, Illinois who say they were the first to jab a stick through a wiener.

I want to throw my vote behind the founders of the Cozy Dog Drive-In, Ed Waldmire Jr. and Don Strand. Maybe they did peddle corn battered wieners at the fairs in Dallas and Minnesota but a corn dog without a stick is like a clean and tidy, soft-spoken carnival barker. it just ain't right.

So right here and now I'm awarding the claim of corn dog inventor to the folks behind Springfield, Illinois' Cozy Dog.

Right about know you're probably saying, I thought this was a My Town Monday post. What in the name of mustard does some restaurant in the Land of Lincoln have to do with Amarillo, Texas?

Glad you asked.

Before Ed Waldmire Jr. and Don Strand partnered up in restaurant business they served together on the United States Air Force. And where were they stationed? You guessed it Amarillo, Texas. And while they were in Amarillo they made their first ever corn battered deep fried wieners. They sold their creation at the USO club and the base PX. They called their creation Crusty Curs, but when they got out of the military, Ed's wife convinced them Crusty Cur was not a name that civilian diners would go for. So their fried hot dog on a stick became the Cozy Dog and as Paul Harvey would say ...

Now you know, the rest of the story.

OTHER MY TOWN MONDAY POSTS

Debra -- Peninsula, Ohio

Clair Dickson -- Livingston county, Michigan

Linda McLaughlin -- Anaheim, California

Barbara Martin -- Toronto, Canada

Junosmom -- Everytown, Kentucky

PreTzel -- Lufkin, Texas

Robyn -- Grass Valley, California

Mary Nix -- Olmsted Falls, Ohio

Reb -- Edmonton, Alberta, Canada

Beth Yarnall -- Orange County, California

Patti Abbott -- Dearborn, Michigan

Michele Ann Young -- Royal Tunbridge Wells, England

Barrie Summy -- Oklahoma City, Oklahoma

How Far?

2008-09-20T14:15:00.000-05:00

Let's talk research. Unless you have attempted to write a novel I doubt you realize how much research goes into creating fiction, lives, settings, and plots. I never did.

With a handful completed novels under my belt I'm now fully aware of all the little details that it takes to make a story come alive. And as I take a short break from novel writing -- to concentrate on querying for my lasted completed work, to wrap up a few short stories, and to decide which idea I want to commit a year's worth of time to next, I find myself pondering the various research that will be required to properly execute each book.

The question is how far am I willing to go in the name of research for my next book.

I have an idea. A solid vision for the primary character to fit that idea. The problem?

Said character will break a law and to properly write that character's problems I really think I would need to put myself in his shoes and break the same law.

Wipe that frown from your face. I'm not pondering murder, armed robbery, or any other violent crime. I'm not even talking about snorting cocaine, or starting a crystal-meth lab in my well house. The kind of crime I'm talking about would only put myself in jeopardy and even then the rick of harm is rather low, especially if I coerced one of my buddies into being an accomplice. There would be no loss of property or harm. Truly a victimless crime.

Think trespassing, but for a thrill. I could tell you more but then you'd all be accomplices as well.

Actually, this particular feat is one I've always wanted to do and I know at least one of my friends has as well, but it does come with a slight risk of bodily harm and a greater risk of criminal trespass charges.

Would the courts be more lenient if I got caught and told them it was in the name of book research? Or am I making a convenient excuse? Is this particular plot as good as I think or am I trying to find a reason to take a risk I've always daydreamed about?

And no I haven't decided to make the leap and go for it, I'm just saying it has crossed my mind this week. Given that thought, I got to wondering ...

How far would you be willing to go in the name of research?

Avast!

2008-09-19T00:08:00.001-05:00

Yo-ho me hearties! Listen up, this be yer Captain talking.

As a rum swilling, bushy-bearded, Plundered Booty writing pillager I am obligated by the code to take part in Talk Like A Pirate Day. But hold on to yer sails, landlubber, because I was issued a challenge by me piratey brethren, Bubblewench. She bet me that I wouldn't yank me cutlass and cross swards with her, so to speak.

Her challenge? To help Save the Ta-ta's.

Now for ye who hasn't docked their ship in many a port let me tell ya. The ta-ta's aren't that string of islands on the leeward side of the Tortugas, so if that's what you're a thinking then more than your leg is wooden.

Ta-ta's are as soft an billowy as a sail in a gentle sea breeze. They be the jewel of a many a man's eye. Yet they can be as dangerous for a pirate as being pinned between a hurricane and the Royal Navy. Many a sailor has been blinded by the pursuit of the one treasure ye can't bury.

Least not without her getting a might chapped at ye.

Some of the port side wenches have figured out how to earn a pretty coin with their ta-ta's. Others guard their bounty and not even the shiniest of Spanish galleon can persuade them to share the booty. Shameless I tell ye, but that is a tale for another day.

Bubblewench has commissioned me to talk about the risk that lurks within the reward. Like the curse of Davy Jones there be a dark force that threatens the ta-ta's. It goes by the name of Cancer. And by clicking here you can help wenches, maidens, and other assorted girlies get their business checked over with a mammogram. That appears to be some kind o' fancy looking glass apparatus, but that alone t'ain't good enough.

Doc's got nothing on us brave buccaneers. We pirates got a sixth-sense about danger so why not let us do a bit of exploring as well. Finding one of those cursed cancer cells can't feel no different than finding a pearl inside an oyster. A bit of squeezing and checking from a set of skilled hands just might save yer life. So share the bounty and help yourself live to sail another day.

Seriously, that was a crappy pirate post, but by clicking here you can help make it possible for women to get checked out.

By the way the above pic of me was from last Halloween for those who were not reading back then.

I Have Too much Time On My Hands

2008-09-17T23:09:00.000-05:00

Okay, I was screwing around on the internet and saw this post on Swivet, the blog for literary agent Collen Lindsay.

The post was a link to one of those crazy time waster question deals. This one was called the Sarah Palin name generator and claimed to assign you a name, based on your actual one, if Sarah Palin had been your mother. Her kids names are unique -- Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper.

So I play along and dutifully type in Travis Dwayne Erwin and what does the magical name generator spit out ...

Travis Dwayne Erwin, if you were born to Sarah Palin, your name would be:

Meat Notgay Palin

Who knows, Meat Notgay Palin you just might be president one day!

Kind of scary, huh?

I even did it twice and got the same answer.

And my wife?

Mustache Warthog Palin

I like mine better. Click here to find out yours.

Hickory Dickory Dock

2008-09-17T09:14:00.002-05:00

Today's post is a pictorial presentation of something I've always found a bit odd and disconcerting.

This is the sign outside the library branch here in Amarillo in which I most often frequent to check out books. And next we have a shot of the building's exterior as viewed from the parking lot.

Nothing to odd as of yet.

Above we have a sign pointing to the drive-up book deposit on the back side of the building. And below a shot of what that drive-up lane look like. Still no sign of anything peculiar.

And below we have the actual metal drawer which you can reach from your driver's window. All you gotta do is pull the handle and dump your books into the gaping metal mouth.

Notice anything odd?

Out of place?

Look close before you scroll down.

Remember this is a DRIVE-UP window on the back side of the building. Not one that anyone would ever walk up to. That chute is out front.

So why is there a braille plate at the bottom of the chute? I'm really hoping no one that needs to use that plate is driving up to that window. Yet it has been there for years. Riddle me this -- Why?

Passing Judgement

2008-09-16T15:40:00.001-05:00

Once again I have been denied. I had a jury summons for today. I dutifully called last night and my juror number fell within the target group to report. I showed up. I sat. I read. Nothing happened. then the judge came out and said there ha been some kind of legal snafu which meant the trial would come up on immediate appeal regardless of how we the jury might have ruled so therefore we could all go home.

The thing is I want to serve. At least once. I've been called numerous times and never not even once have the proceedings made it to the question stage. How's a writer supposed to write when he is repeatedly denied life experience to draw from?

This isn't really a good blog post as I have no great wisdom, wit or analogy to tie my frustration in with anything larger. I suppose if I tried real hard I could find some correlation to the writing world, but I'm not feeling that motivated to be creative today.

Instead I think I'll toss a steak on the grill and get my mind ready for flag football practice. (Trust me it takes some mental preparation to deal with a dozen seven-year- old boys who are more eager to yank each others flags off than listen to anyone teach them the basics of a complex sport.)

Meat and competitive juices -- guess the day won't be a wash after all.

Amused

2008-09-15T22:49:00.002-05:00

A couple of things that have amused me lately.

First this little illustration about the importance of punctuation. I stole it from Yellowdog Granny's blog.

And then my wife sent me this joke via email.

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out

making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of

gas. As luck would have it, an Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,

but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on

the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas

and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.. Always

resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,

filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across

the street.

One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

What has amused you lately?

Fallen 'Horn -- A My Town Monday Post

2008-09-15T00:08:00.010-05:00

Due to some tragic news I've shifted away from my planned My Town Monday post, but hopefully next week I'll be discussing Amarillo's role in one of the world's great mysteries.

Caprock High School sits on the southeast side of Amarillo. Truth be told it doesn't have a great reputation in the city. The district is made up primarily of lower middle class families with a majority of students having a Hispanic heritage. The football team is rarely good and in these parts, what happens on the gridiron far overshadows all other sports. Though to be honest the Caprock Longhorns do not fare much better any most other sports either. That one exception is and always has been wrestling.

The school has won countless state title both in the overall team and individuals. I graduated from Caprock in 1991 and in those days wrestling was only a boys sport, but in recent years girls wrestling has been added and the females have joined in and only added to the school's tradition of excellence in the sport. Matter of fact the school has won the last five state team championships in the girls division.

But I'm going to step back in time to my sophomore year when the school had an individual state champion. That wrestler was a junior and he was one year older than me. If I remember right he finished second in state his senior year, but it was what he did after high school that endured him to many and propelled his name to the top of fight circles.

In 1997 some of Evan Tanner's friends talked him into fight in in a local Mixed Martial Arts Tournament. Tanner won the tournament by defeating three different fighter that night including fellow Caprock Alum and future UFC Heavyweight contender Paul Buentello.

With that success in his resume Tanner began to study grappling and martial arts in a more serious manner. In 1998 he traveled to Japan and at Tokyo became the first American to ever win the Pancrase Neo-Blood tournament.

With his reputation established Evan Tanner headed to the premiers organization in mixed martial arts. The UFC --Ultimate Fighting Championships.

He had many success in his fighting career posting a record of 32 wins and only 8 losses. On February 5th, 2005 he won the UFC Middleweight Championship.

On September 3rd, 2008 Evan rode his dirt bike in to the California desert near Brawley, California. What happened after that differs. Some reports say he ran out of gas and others simply say he was hiking to a spring to refill his canteen. Either way, the heat and exhaustion of hiking in 118 degree temperature, led to his death. His body was spotted by helicopter on September 8th. Heat exposure is listed as the preliminary cause of his death. A sad end to a dang tough champions life.
Here is a video tribute to Tanner that I found on You Tube.

I didn't know Evan, but we gave from the same side of town. I saw him wrestle on his way to a state title. I saw his very first fights as a professional an we walked the same halls as kids. Caprock High School may not have the best reputation, but for those who wore orange and were proud to call themselves Longhorns will all remember Evan and take a bit of hope out of the fact life is what you make out of it, not where you happen to come from.

The above shot was taken by my friend Steve Austin. The words Longhorn country are from the top of the Caprock High gym as see from a golf course just across the street. A field with actual longhorn cattle sits between the two.

Posts from other MY TOWN MONDAYERS

Linda McLaughlin -- Like me, Linda offers up a tragic post. This one from Chatsworth, California.
Debra -- The sweet music of Peninsula, Ohio
Lyzzydee -- Gives us a historical look at Amsterdam.
Barbara Martin -- Teaches us about heroes from Toronto, Canada.
Clair Dickson -- The end of Eminem's road in Livingston County, Michigan
Barrie Summy -- A meaty post from rural Oklahoma.
Reb -- Road tripping in Alberta, Canada
Clare2E -- A haunting look at New Haven, Connecticut.
PreTzel -- Looking for a spooky thrill in small town Iowa.
Patti Abbott -- The other end of Detroit, Michigan's 8 Mile Road.
Gerri Russell -- Vacationing in Scotland
Mary Nix -- Plots out Olmsted Falls, Ohio's location.
David Cranmer -- A bit of language fun from West Africa
Patricia Wood -- Gets sharky with editing from Hawaii.
Junosmom -- Escape the glitz and glamor and get away in Kentucky

Randomville

2008-09-13T07:51:00.001-05:00

Well crap. I took two days off from reading blogs to work on doing some actual writing and now I have over 350 posts in my Google reader. I'll be skimming through commenting only on a few s please forgive me. And thanks to all of you who weighed in on the great toilet seat cover debate. Of course Vodka Mom had to take the hard line and throw down a challenge, but then again, teachers can be mean at times.

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By the way, for those of you whoa re writers and are in or near the query process be sure to check out agent Janet Reid's other blog, Query Shark. She bites into actual query letters and reveals why she finds them tasty or why she feels the need to spit out a form rejection.

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In other blog news my buddy Alex Keto has dipped his toes back into the deep end of the blog pool after sitting our more than the required twenty minutes after eating. Welcome back, Alex. I love to read his take on the world and if you've never read his wisdom then you are doing yourself a disservice.

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Also I wanted to call your attention to a couple of literary web-zines. Halfway Down the Stairs and The Oddville Press. Through the wonderful blogosphere I know people involved with both so check them out if you get the chance.

That's it for me, I'm off to clear my Google reader and check up on thing on Twitter. Back tomorrow with a My Town Monday post. Sadly I am not going to do the post I planned. Instead, I will honor one of Amarillo's recently departed son's.

Fluff This

2008-09-11T10:25:00.001-05:00

An open letter to all of my beloved female readers.

Dear Dearies,

There are many things in this world that you adore, that I simply can't stomach. Lettuce, the out-of-breath quality to Celine Dion's voice, the stench of patchouli.

It is time to add fluffy toilet lid covers to the list. All I can say is why ladies? Why do you torture us men by draping those fluffy poodle pelts across the toilet lid.

You complain of our deer heads nailed to the wall, yet you condone the skinning of harmless pooches for the sake of bathroom decor.

Maybe y'all don't realize the problems those dang things create for those of us who stand to do our business, so let me explain.

A friend (a single woman I might add) has one of these things on her porcelain throne. We tend to gather at her house to play games and drink a few adult beverages on the weekend, which leads to frequent trips to the ol' bathroom.

I raise the lid, it falls due to the frilly cover not allowing the lid to rest properly against the tank. I reraise it. The stupid thing falls again. This leaves me two choices ... take a seat and forgo one of the few natural privileges a man has, (yes, we males celebrate and revel in our ability to take a leak on our feet), or hold the lid with one hand, while I direct my aim with the other. That might seem simple bat after a six pack of Shiner. also I'm tall guy so it leads to n awkward crouching position that throws off my balance and well honed stance.

I might as well be playing bathroom Twister.

Most of us men are not ambidextrous and agile acrobats of Cirque De Soleil. I hear and read your gripes about our poor aim, yet y'all chose to add a degree of difficulty befitting the Chinese dive team. So I say whose fault are those splatters?

And I'm not even going to go into the psychological terror we men have at dangling our parts before an alligator jaw-like death trap that could come chomping down at any second.

Truth be told I think it is an evil plot to make men take a seat since y'all are jealous of our inherent ability to stand and be men, but if it is an honest mistake I urge you to get shed of the poodle pelt and let us pee in peace.

Sincerely,

A Man ~~Willing~~ Demanding To Take a Stand

p.s. God bless the urinal!