The Charlie Williams Blog

Three reasons why Amir Khan should fight Ricky Hatton ASAP

2009-12-07T15:31:00.003Z

1. Amir Khan is the world champion (WBA). As such, he is at the top of the tree. He should be capable of taking on anyone, otherwise he should not carry that belt. Yet people still say he should take some time and a few easier fights before tackling the big guys in his weight class. People see him as a bit of a junior, and that hurts him. And he will never be hailed as even the best light-welter in his own country until Ricky Hatton retires. Or he beats him. Ergo, the only way for Amir to achieve the respect he craves at home is to beat the man. And beat him before his obesity retires him.

2. Oh yes, Ricky Hatton is fat. His usual weight between fights, if he walked in a ring at that weight he would be a light-heavy, or even cruiser. And yet he fights at light-welter. He eats fry-ups, takeaways and guzzles beer. So... no one takes him seriously in the long term as a boxer. No athlete treats their body like that, therefore he is not a serious athlete. and yet he has ruled at world class, and been beaten only twice - by the pound for pound best boxer in the world, each time. Ergo, the only way to prove to the world that he is not past it is to beat the youngest, most dangerous and consistently fit up-and-comer around, a guy who holds the WBA belt - once Ricky's own. Oh, he's that guy just down the road in Bolton.

3. Remember Benn and Eubank? Remember the frisson of excitement when those two went toe to toe? Well, picture Khan-Hatton. Something of the same? Beneath Khan's braggadocio has always lurked a visible sense of his own fallibility, and nowhere would it be more apparent than facing the fat man. Hatton knows he could be one fight from oblivion, that if this fast kid with undeniably better skills beats him, he is on a one-way ticket to a collesterol-saturated retirement. Both have everything to gain and everything to lose, but the fight cannot be avoided - it has the word destiny stamped all over it. (See how easy it is to market this fight?)

So there you go, three reasons why this fight would be the best thing to happen in UK boxing for years... and MUST happen. And here's one reason why it will never happen:

4. Frank Warren is a c***.

Borders

2009-11-27T10:15:00.001Z

Shame about this, and I really hope they can find a clever buyer who can make it work again. In my London days I used to spend hours in the flagship Oxford Street branch (sadly already closed). I discovered so many writers in there, just from being able to sit down on a couch with a book for a while. When my first book came out, that was the London store I first checked to see if they had it in. They did, but it was only in the crime section and not in the more prominent "new books" section downstairs. So I got a copy and took it down there, placing it front-out in front of a pile of someone else's book (dog eat dog, babe). Then I stood back and watched, pretending to read a copy of Heat magazine. Sure enough, a man came along and picked it up. He read the first page for a bit then put it back. Bastard!

Happy Thanksgiving...

2009-11-26T17:15:00.002Z

...to all yanks out there. As a special present (*cough*) to mark the occasion, I can let you know that Stairway to Hell will be published over there and in Canada by Serpent's Tail in June 2010. Any North Americans who already have it, you guys are ahead of the curve. You are able to speak several languages instinctively, work out the square root of any number in less than a second and jump over a car without touching it. You just don't realise it yet.

What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?

2009-11-16T14:39:00.002Z

R.I.P. Edward Woodward, who was an iconic presence for anyone who loved The Equalizer, The Wicker Man, Callan, Hot Fuzz or many others. On top of that he was the punchline of a joke (see above) AND could sing with the best of 'em:

I am a mole and I live in a hole

2009-11-16T14:30:00.001Z

Five Stairway to Hell-themed questions answered by me at 3am Magazine. They'll make you cry. They'll make you laugh. They'll make you blow your overdraft. On Stairway to Hell... which you can get in a nice double deal along with my first book Deadfolk for a nice £9.52 over at Amazon.co.uk. Hey, it's nearly Christmas.

(Shit, Charlie, didn't anyone tell you it's uncool to promote your wares on your own website?)

No, they didn't. And if anyone knows of someone else's website I can hawk my shit on, drop us a line. For we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl.

Thank you Susan Tomaselli for the five probing questions.

"It was not immediately clear if any customers had been served"...

2009-11-14T17:03:00.002Z

Now I know why there is a Russian edition of Deadfolk.

KENT AND PANTS

2009-11-11T12:00:00.000Z

Had a good time at the Kent Uni event, where I stood up in front of students, read a couple of passages from my books and talked about writing. However, halfway through the proceedings I became convinced that my flies were undone. I didn't see how I fix this - or even confirm my suspicions - without looking like I was fiddling with myself. I was in Royston Blake character mode, reading the forklift passage from King of the Road, but my heart wasn't in it. It was in my pants, wondering if everyone could see them. And worse: was that a cool breeze I just felt down there? As soon as it was over I sat down and very subtly checked.

False alarm.

So, to the students of Kent who came, apologies. You got a watered down version of Blakey there, due to my anxieties. Usually he's a lot louder and more vehement. And let's be honest: Blakey wouldn't give a shit if his flies were undone.

Kent Event

2009-11-09T11:28:00.003Z

A bit late, this, but if you happen to want to come to my event at Kent University tomorrow, here are the details:

Tue, 10th November, 6pm

Peter Brown Room, Missing Link, Darwin College, Canterbury Campus

£2 entry - pay the pink bucket at the door.

Tickets available at the door or by post. Please email english-office@kent.ac.uk to reserve or purchase a ticket.

More details here. I will be talking about writing, doing a little bit of reading (aloud) and answering questions. See you there if you're around.

These boots were made for

2009-11-05T14:20:00.002Z

No, not some pervy fetish thing, I'm afraid. This is the prefered footwear of Adam Booth, trainer of David Haye (6'4"), who on Saturday night fights Nikolai Valuev (7'0"). When you can't find sparring partners tall enough, this is what you do.

My prediction: Valuev pts victory. He is just too big. (Also his manager is German, the fight is in Germany, and German judges are, shall we say, loyal to their own).

FWIW, I kind of want the big Russian to win. He is no Ivan Drago, more of a Shrek. Haye is by far the superior fighter, but I can't help but admire a guy who, after 50 fights, openly admits he is still learning to box. He'll come unstuck against either Klitchko brother anyway, if he ever was made to fight them.

Black Static

2009-10-30T14:31:00.003Z

Stairway to Hell got a nice review in Black Static magazine (the UK's premier mag for horror/dark sf/slipstream etc). Many thanks to Mr Peter Tennant for the positive words, and for having a crack at nailing the genre:

"In the end, this is not so much horror fiction as a subversive text in which tropes of the genre are added on to a comic novel dealing with aspects of modern life, such as the lust for fame, reality TV and the superficiality of the media, all of which get the piss taken out of them (sorry, but I couldn’t resist that). Bottom line, Stairway to Hell is a barrel of fun, probably best read to a soundtrack of The Song Remains the Same and Ch-Ch-Changes."

Kent

2009-10-30T13:54:00.006Z

Anyone in Canterbury read this? On Tuesday, 10th Nov I will be at Kent University campus in that town (my alma mater) to talk to the creative writing fraternity there. I am told the event is open to the public, so please come along if you like my books at all or are interested to know how and why I write such things. If you don't give a shit either way, maybe you should come anyway and let me convert you. If you actively dislike me and the books, maybe you should stay away. Or come, and throw things at me. I'll bring my cricket bat and fire them back at you, thereby achieving these kinds of headlines and the success that notoriety brings.

Check the events page for details. Nothing there as I write this but I'll pull my finger out about a week before the event.

Bandido vs Bandido

2009-10-30T10:16:00.002Z

My kind of biker gang:

"They were at the very bottom rung of biker gangs. Some were in their 40s but still lived with their parents. They were not making any money, many of them had been rejected by the Hells Angels and half of them didn't even own a motorbike."

The only thing real is waking and rubbing your eyes

2009-10-14T14:58:00.008+01:00

Not been here for a while. It always goes the same way when I have a book out: intense burst of activity as you take the book by the hand and lead it out into the world. But Stairway to Hell can stand on its own two feet now, even though it has no actual feet. The book must walk out there and make its way in the world. If it gets run over, falls foul to drugs or becomes a member of Coldplay, well, at least I tried.

But it's doing OK so far, if reports are to be believed. Rob Chilver in Adventures with Words had this to say:

Williams’ prose is punchy, filthy and funny, littered with musical references and sideswipes at the state of the music industry today. The plot takes on a variety of twists and turns with some truly laugh out loud moments. While, the premise may sound bizarre, and it is, Williams creates a world and its character where by the end of the novel, bodyswapping and exploding record shops seem to be the norm. For those looking for a witty, entertaining and original read, this is a must.

You know, that makes me want to go right out and buy eight copies of the book. And I wrote it! Then there's Andrew Collins in The Word:

Charlie Williams' committedly silly novel about the eternal Faustian pact of pop stardom is difficult to dislike. A vivid turn of phrase ("chewing air" after puking up), witty touches (the pretense of teen idol Zak Bremner summed up in album titles Zakology and Bremnology) and fag machine philosophy (if you have an All Day Breakfast at breakfast time does it just become Breakfast?) sugar the pill of the ludicrous, scatological plot.

Ah, yes, the old pill sugar. I've never met a plot that couldn't be helped along with a shake of the sugar jar. Especially scatalogical ones. But "ludicrous"? "Commitedly silly"? Couldn't we just say "absurd"? Beckett was absurd. Ionesco and Genet were absurd. I don't mind rolling with those guys, even if I missed that scene by half a century. But I never heard of no "Theatre of the Ludicrous". Mind you, "committedly silly"... that sounds like you're so silly that you've been committed to a mental institution. That's no small accomplishment, I feel.

Of course, I josh. My book is lucky to even get noticed by Messrs Collins and Chilver, and I hope it said thank you and bowed politely (right before they chucked it in the Worcester County Pauper and Lunatic Asylum).

(For a taster of other Stairway to Hell reviews, check it out here.)

It's the tash...

2009-09-15T10:47:00.001+01:00

Greatest ever fight scene:

(from various sources on Twitter)

Friends across the pond

2009-09-14T23:38:00.002+01:00

I'm talking about the Atlantic, not that old soupy quagmire in my back garden. Have you American guys ever fancied a read of my new book, Stairway to Hell? Well, turns out you can get it cheap, right here at this Book Depository place. I have no idea how they do it, but it seems you can buy it for US$7.90 - FREE DELIVERY.

What the hell... might as well give it a go, right?

Go on.

While you're at it (or perhaps later, after you've gone on the Stairway), you could find out all about Royston Blake via DEADFOLK, which retails there at US$9.89 - again FREE DELIVERY.

How the hell is that done? Is it some kind of magic?

Is David Blaine involved?

Ours is not to ask, ours is to buy cheap (and read).

Couple of Stairway nods

2009-09-13T22:08:00.002+01:00

I haven't seen these reviews in their entirety but these snippets look good:

This deserves attention for its sheer originality and author Williams's complete disregard for a conventional plot
--Sunday Business Post

Full of entertaining nonsense... Williams weaves a tight plot, his pacing and ear for dialogue pitch perfect
--Big Issue

I love that first one. To be honest, I don't know what a conventional plot is, and wasn't aware I was disregarding it. But yes, if a plot came along and said "Hi, I'm conventional", I would steer well clear of it. There are plenty of conventional writers out there to look after it. Shit, they'll be fighting over the thing.

The Beatles

2009-09-09T22:58:00.002+01:00

I'd like to celebrate the money-grubbing re-release of the entire Beatles back catalogue by pointing out that they played in the Worcester Gaumont not once but TWICE, first supporting Roy Orbison and then headlining. Another act to play at the Gaumont was David Bowie, as Ziggy Stardust. Erm... Hey, I just thought of something! I've actually written a novel that features both Bowie AND the Gaumont! Isn't that a coincidence? Not only that, but the Beatles are mentioned, as is David Soul.

So, instead of shelling out your hard-earned for a cleaned-up version of something you've heard many times before, maybe you should invest in something new, original and "brilliant" (the Guardian)?

What? Me, plug my own work? What are you talking about? It's topical.

"Hmm... those stairs don't look so safe..."

2009-09-08T13:45:00.005+01:00

No problem - now you can give them a trial run. The first stair, at least. Those cheeky monkeys at Amazon UK have forced open the covers of Stairway to Hell, allowing you to read the opening chapter free of charge. Give it a go. If it feels like the whole structure is going to collapse, well, you're wrong. But don't take my word for it, just jump off. No harm done. Except to yourself, by missing out on a book described in the Irish Times as a "mad, alternative rock ‘n’ roll universe, where ordinary people are possessed by the souls of past rock stars, and bizarre rituals involving urine become commonplace. The rock’n’roll in-jokes come faster than Zep riffs, and the cringe factor is cranked up all the way to the final showdown at the X-Factor auditions..."

Signing 2: Gloucester

2009-09-02T18:35:00.005+01:00

Did the second leg of the "Stairway to Hell Tour 2009" last Saturday at Gloucester Waterstones. Things got off to a good start - by pure chance I chose the dodgiest car park in town and was greeted with the smell of urine-soaked concrete, making me feel right at home. Ten minutes later I'd found the store and was sitting upstairs, enjoying a complimentary coffee, gearing myself up for whatever lay ahead. I admit it, I was nervous. Even after doing all this in Birmingham the week before, my little heart was all aflutter. 'Don't worry, you'll rock them. Just like I did in Berlin, 1989,' a voice said behind me. I turned - no one there, only a couple of middle-aged ladies two tables along. And that was a man's voice, wasn't it? Quietly, in case people thought I was nuts, I asked who had said that. 'Me, David Hasselhoff.'

Oh yeah. I should have known.

So I went downstairs, listening David Hasselhoff's words of encouragement. 'You gotta hit them hard,' he was saying, adjusting his leather glove (he had his pet eagle with him). 'Don't take no for an answer. Don't even take yes for an answer. Just when they're coming round to the idea of buying your book, that's when you need to push even harder. See that button there?' Where? 'There, on the front of the book.' We were at the table now, next to a pile of STAIRWAY TO HELLs. I picked one up and examined it. No button. 'There is. Right there, see?' No, that's a "3 for 2" sticker. 'No, trust me, it's a button. A Turbo Boost button.'

OK.

I made a start on the job in hand. At 11am on a Saturday morning, Waterstones in Gloucester is not a rocking place. A nice place, but not yet fully rocking. The only people milling around my area were past retirement age. Which is great, but... Well, I thought I'd give it a try. After all, I have a hot property here. The new series of TV's X Factor is on telly, and my book offers a direct resposte to it's glossy, sentimental lowest common denominator-iness. What we have here, my friends, is a piece of the zeitgeist.

So I approach one or two browsing customers, aged about 65 or so. You know the X Factor? 'Yeah, don't like it.' Well that's good, because I don't like it either. 'Oh, OK...' [continues browsing...] And, you see, my book doesn't like it either. 'Your book doesn't like the X Factor?'

OK, so I've lost him. Try someone else... Do you like crime books? 'Yeah.' Great, well I've written three of them. But this new one, it isn't really crime. 'Oh...' No, but it's better! It's about a luckless pub singer who finds out he has the soul of David Bowie. 'I like John Harvey. Is it like his books?' Exactly like them, yes. 'It isn't, is it?' No.

I'm back at my table, thinking things over. 'You don't believe me, do you?' said David Hasselhoff. He was standing behind me, pretending to read a copy of Dissolution: The Crisis of Communism and the End of East Germany, by Charles S. Maier. 'You think I'm wrong about the Turbo Boost.' I just... I don't even want to think about the Turbo Boost. 'It's there for you, Charlie. Use the Turbo Boost. We all need a bit of Turbo Boost sometimes. Even me, when I knocked down the Berlin Wall.' Shut up about the Turbo Boost!

A few customers turn to look at me, then quickly avert their eyes. OK, so at least they've noticed me now. Let's try a new tack...

Hi, I'm a local author. 'Oh yeah? You're from Gloucester?' No, Worcester. 'Well, that's not really the same, is it?' No but it's only about twenty miles away. 'Yeah but it's not local is it? To be a local author, you must be from Gloucester. Or at least the surrounding county.' Yeah but... 'What?' Nothing.

Back at my table again, Half an hour gone and no joy. I look around: not a friendly soul in sight. Not even David Hasselhoff. But no one is looking, so... I press the button.

The Turbo Boost button.

'Excuse me, but if you're looking for a interesting third option on the 3 for 2 promo, you might want to look at this.' That's what I'm saying to the customers now, then leaving the book in their hands, smiling, and moving on, unless they look like they want more of a pitch. Ninety minutes later, 10 books signed and sold. Not great, but DOUBLE FIGURES!

Driving home along the M5 motorway, I reflected on how I'd sold out there, resorting to an economic angle in trying to sell a book that should speak for itself. 'Yeah, but only a fool ignores the buck. Money first, artistic integrity second. That's what I always said to Billy Warlock, when we were working on season one of Baywatch. Oh, and could you turn the car around? I think I left my pet eagle in that place back there.' I take a sideways glance at him, then ask a question. 'Seatbelt?' he says. 'Did you ever see Michael Knight wearing a seatbelt? No, and you won't see the Hoff wearing one either.'

I reach over, open the passenger door and push him out.

Many thanks to the staff of Gloucester Waterstones for letting me do this, erm... event. Next Saturday, the final leg of "Stairway to Hell Tour 2009" will be at Mangel. I mean, Worcester. Will I see you there? I promise there will be no deranged celebrities.

Probably.

Worcester News

2009-08-31T13:08:00.003+01:00

Bit late this, but if you're in Worcester, check out today's Worcester News - on page nine is a feature/interview with me by Mike Pryce, who actually interviewed Jimi Hendrix in 1969 when he played at the Gaumont. Accompanying the interview is a gurning photo of me, holding up a copy of Stairway to Hell, standing outside the bingo hall that used to be the Gaumont. I'll post it up here some time.

Other Stairways 2

2009-08-30T10:30:00.003+01:00

Found on Twitter, courtesy of one DanH_Distinct, another Stairway to Hell:

Other Stairways

2009-08-28T11:20:00.002+01:00

That Aussie band yesterday got me thinking... What other Stairways to Hell are out there?

Check out this one, a photograph of that title by one Guido Musch...

Bits 'n Bobs

2009-08-27T11:59:00.003+01:00

In Milton Keynes? Go down the main Waterstones in Midsummer Place and you should find some signed copies of my new book on the shelf. Hey, since you're there, maybe you should buy one?

You know this STAIRWAY TO HELL tour I'm in the middle of, where I do all these in-store signings? Well, I've got some competition down under... from very loud people. Bet they're not as loud as these guys.

Four reasons to go and get STAIRWAY TO HELL:

Waterstones have it in their 3 for 2 promo
Borders are a cool bookshop who encouraged me to be aggressive, like Rocky
You should support your local independant bookstore
Amazon UK have it at the blisteringly cheapo price of £4.79

Hey, I'm going to FantasyCon 2009, in Nottingham on the 19th September. To put this into context, I once had a story published in the BFS magazine. See you there maybe.

Signing 1: Birmingham

2009-08-24T18:06:00.003+01:00

Had my first crack at hand-selling my books on Saturday when I did a signing at Borders in the middle of Birmingham. Let me make this clear: this was not a signing like Ian Rankin does a signing. When Rankin does a signing, he sits at a desk and signs and chats for a queue of fans. Someone at my level, there's no queue a fans. There is a table and a chair and a pile of books and a whole lot of people ignoring you.

I say it's my first crack, but I had an opportunity to do this a couple of times before. At French (and Belgian) book festivals, they expect you to put in the hours in the dealer area, signing your way down a stack of books. I detected a lot of competition between the authors in trying to push their books, but I wasn't having any of it. It's hard enough talking up your books to a stranger in English, let alone French.

So the obvious question is: Why the hell would I voluntarily put myself through this when no one had asked me to? Three reasons:

I wanted to do something for my new book, which is going to have to compete with the summer's big releases in a market which is already saturated. On top of that, people are hardly splashing their cash around at the minute.
Why the hell not? I believe in the book, why not get out there and say it?
I am a masochist.

So I set up three in-store signings, this being the first.

OK, so the people at Borders very kindly agreed to let me do the event, and set up a table for me in the fiction area with posters front and back of the store. I get there, the books are stacked up tastefully by a nice bookselling person. I can sense a certain lack of faith in one or two of the staff. Do I look that gormless? Possibly, but I am told the problem is that this is not the best kind of Borders store to do this kind of thing. You need a Borders on a retail park, where people go specifically to get books. A city centre Borders is full of people just passing through or killing a few minutes while the wife is trying on skirts in Monsoon. Be aggressive, I am advised. Walk around and talk to them. Seems there is a well-known crime writer who has had a couple of signing events there and that's what he does, to great effect.

Hmm... I'm thinking. Aggressive. Like a boxer. Like... Rocky.

I'm all set to start wandering around being aggressive when a passing customer stops and looks at the books. I blurt something out about David Bowie and it catches - her husband is a fan. A read of the blurb and a bit of a chat later and she's getting me to sign two for her. Man, that was easy. If I can replicate that every five minutes, that's 48 copies in two hours. Piece of piss!

For the next ten minutes, no one else stops at the table. This is despite me blurting random things about Bowie. And urine.

I look at the cover. Maybe Bowie isn't so popular after all? Maybe it's Jimmy Page they want?

Another quiet ten minutes later and I'm looking at the cover again, wondering what's going wrong. Maybe I should drop the Jimmy Page line. And ditch the urine gambit as well, lest people think I'm telling them to piss off. Maybe it's time to take that piece of advice: Get out there and be aggressive.

I walk up and down a couple of aisles, snarling, picturing myself as a prime Rocky Balboa on his way to the ring in Soviet Russia, about to face the unstoppable machine that is Ivan Drago. Eye of the tiger, the ghost of Apollo Creed is whispering in my ear. Eye of the tiger! My fists are balled and I'm ready to beat someone into buying the book. Should be easy: a couple of jabs and then drop 'em with an overhand right, following up with a left hook on the way down, then just drag them to the counter and get their wallet out for them. But I can't seem to do it. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to beat someone into buying my book and getting it signed by me. I've never been good at throwing the first punch, and it's no different now. Besides, these are my kind of people: book people. How could I physically attack them?

So I wander back to my table, thinking. What would Mickey say, if he hadn't died of that heart attack brought on by the evil Clubber Lang? "Just take a look at youse!" he'd snarl. "Call yourself a writer? You're a bum!" Then he'd calm down and say something like: "What is this? A circus? Are we clowns? No! We're trapeze artists, flying through the air for the amusement of all these people. Except we're doing it between the covers of that damn book, which they don't even know about! Now get out there and whip up an audience! Bark like a dog, you no good Irish bum!" Then he hobbles off to the art section and leafs through a book on nude photography.

Mickey's right, of course. One of my great-great-grandparents was indeed from Clones. But how did he know that?

I work out a tactic: approach people (politely - no snarling or balled fists) and show them the cover of STAIRWAY TO HELL. Ask them if they recognise who those two guys are. They know Bowie alright, but most of them seem to think the other one is Marc Bolan. I don't know what to do about that, but it doesn't matter: I'm already talking to him or her by this stage. We're away from the cover and talking about what the book is about, why I wrote it etc. Some of these conversations lead to a signing, some don't. Most are fun and interesting, hopefully, for both parties.

At the end of two hours, I'd signed nine. "You're a bum!" Mickey's shouting. And he's right. Nine? Jeez... Then the staff guy wanders back and I ask him just how many that well-known crime writer signs when he comes. "Nineteen." So Maybe nine isn't so bad for this store, and I can go away and not feel like such a loser. "Crap!" Mickey's screaming. "You're a no-good, Irish, scum-sucking b--" I shove a sweaty towel in his mouth. Mickey, why all the negativity? Why not just chill out?

I go home, leaving him on the floor behind me, having another heart attack.

Do you know what? Mickey's wrong. That book is not a trapeze act and I'm no circus barker. It's a high wire act, like all good books are. And I'm a relatively unknown writer, putting myself out there and trying to make myself a bit more known. Even if a conversation leads to a signing and a sale, I'm still making someone aware of my book and myself. Maybe they'll think about my book and buy it later. Maybe they'll see my next book and remember me. Either way, it's a bit of exposure.

Thanks to all at Borders in Birmingham for letting me do it. And to all the people who showed an interest. Even that guy who came in the hope that he was going to get this guy's autograph (I had to break the news of his death).

Next Saturday I've got another one lined up at Waterstones in Gloucester. If you're around, do drop in and see how I'm doing in my pursuit for that elusive 10 books. Mickey's not invited to this one, and neither are Rocky, Ivan Drago or Apollo Creed. But I think David Hasselhoff might be there, so you could try and get his autograph.

Upwards and Brum

2009-08-21T14:47:00.003+01:00

This post puts the number for the year at 39, which makes it higher than last year and we're only in August. If you look at the archives down there on the right, you'll see that I've been dropping off badly year on year, but that's all over. I'm born again, baby. I'm out there amongst them. Like my new book, STAIRWAY TO HELL, which is in shops NOW.

Talking of which, I'll be signing copies of that baby at Borders in the Bull Ring, Birmingham (West Midlands, not Alabama) tomorrow from 1pm. If you're around, drop by and I will tell you the secrets of the universe. Otherwise, come back here next week and I'll let you know how it goes. But I won't tell you those universe secrets. To get those, you need to get a copy of STAIRWAY TO HELL signed by me.