Larry James' CelebrateLove.com BLOG

It Was Time to Move on. . .

2007-06-01T00:45:00.000-07:00

In early March 2007 I had to make a choice to move from Blogger.com to a NEW BLOG. All the posts on this BLOG have been re-posted on my NEW BLOG at: http://www.CelebrateLove.WordPress.com plus you will find many new posts. Please visit and tell your friends! Enjoy! - Larry James

http://www.CelebrateLove..com
http://www.CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com
http://www.CelebrateIntimacy.com
http://www.TenCommitmentsofNetworking.com
http://www.AuthorsandSpeakersNetwork.com

Hey Guys! Don't be Someone Who Grumbles!

2006-09-11T03:23:00.000-07:00

If you want to keep your significant other happy and content - do things for her. Willingly.

Run errands. Surprise her by filling her car with gas. Switch roles for a day.

Offer to help with a chore she doesn't particularly enjoy doing. The fact that you offer may come as a pleasant surprise.

Pick something you really don’t like to do and do it "without grumbling" while you do it. The secret is to not tell her you don't like it and focus on the fact that although you don't like to do it you know the affect it will have on your relationship.

Men often have a need to grumble while doing something they don't like. When you make a choice not to grumble, your partner will most likely reward you by helping you fulfill one of your basic needs: approval. There could be other needs but face it, you like to be recognized for your accomplishments no matter how small.

Remember, foreplay begins with taking out the garbage "without being asked!"

Who YOU are being makes a difference in your relationship

2006-09-11T03:10:00.002-07:00

It affects who your partner is and how they respond to you. If how they respond to you causes you stress, discomfort, etc., it may be wise to make some new choices about who you are being in the relationship. It may be the cause of why they are being the way they are.

When we make adjustments in the way we are being with our love partner, over time they begin to give the appearance of changing; sometimes for the worse, but generally for the better. This is so because as our behavior changes our attitudes about them also changes. We begin to see them as someone who is doing the best they can (or know how) and we become more loving toward them.

So if your intention is to change your partner. . . give it up! It won't happen. What can happen is a more loving relationship when YOU are being the change agent for your own attitudes and behavior. What have you got to lose?

Who YOU are being makes a difference in your relationship

2006-09-11T03:10:00.001-07:00

Me Change? Yuk!!

2006-07-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

Changing how you feel about your relationship begins with changing how you think!

Someone once said, "change your thinking and you will change your life." I couldn't agree more. However, there is one more thing you must do. That is to also change your behavior. Changing your attitude about the situation is part of changing your behavior. Without changing your behavior and your attitude, changing your thinking won't matter.

Look at your behavior and your attitude to see if they are contributing to the well being of the relationship or detracting from it. Is your attitude about it building obstacles or creating space for a healthy love relationship to thrive? You always have choice.

Remember, relationship problems are shared problems. It is rarely ever only one person's fault. A question you might ask yourself is: "What am I doing that contributes to me seeing this as a problem?" Next, decide to change your thinking about the problem or your partner. Then begin to change your behavior about how you react to whatever you perceive the problem to be.

When what you are doing isn't working, you must decide to do something different - to make a change. And the sooner, the better. Seldom does anything improve from neglect. Stay open to the possibility that doing "something different" might work. It most likely will be something you've never tried before or that won't make sense until you try it. That might be a little scary and you have to take the first step while you are still afraid.

What you think about and speak about, you bring about. Want more of the problem? Keep thinking about it instead of seeking mutually beneficial solutions to it and refuse to change "YOUR" behavior. Rather than looking outside for the source of your problems, look inside for the source of your solutions.

It's not easy. And, you can do it.

When you dwell on the problem, a solution to it will not appear to you. There is usually more than one solution to every problem. Problems do not go away by themselves. People solve problems.

Obviously if you have a partner who is willing to work with you to get your relationship back on track. . . that's ideal. But what do you do when your partner doesn't acknowledge that there is a problem?

You must decide to focus your attention on working on you; getting back in touch with who you are. With a major behavior and attitude adjustment, you will begin to feel better about yourself and stop blaming your partner for the problem.

Remember, changing how you feel about your relationship, begins with changing how you think!

Getting Your Needs Met MUST Be a HIGH Priority

2006-04-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

You have a responsibility to yourself to get your needs met in your love relationship. If someone is doing something that is unacceptable, something that you cannot tolerate, you have an obligation to yourself to make a choice in the matter.

The degree of unacceptability isn't a consideration. How much you love someone shouldn't be a consideration. If it is unacceptable, that's it!

If you love them, you love them. You will always have a relationship with them regardless of the choice you make to get your needs met.

When someone is doing something that is unacceptable, you compromise your own personal integrity if you are not true to yourself. The choice you make will always have consequences, some we call good; some we call bad.

While the following example may be a non-issue for you, it can be and has been an issue for several of my relationship coaching clients.

"If you love someone unconditionally, how can you walk away from the relationship because they smoke?" Because smoking is unacceptable behavior, period! "Then your love must be conditional!" Hardly. Making a choice about getting your needs met has nothing to do with love. The distinction that must be made is the distinction between love and the choice of getting your needs met.

The problem most people have with this scenario is that the level of unacceptability gets in the way of their understanding. If smoking is unacceptable behavior to the person who is walking away and it isn't unacceptable behavior to the person who asks the question, then the only problem is that the degree of unacceptability becomes the issue, not getting your needs met.

When you make the choice to get your needs met, and the choice is to walk away, you have only made a choice about getting your needs met, not whether you love someone conditionally or unconditionally. It is a healthy choice.

It is possible to love someone unconditionally and still make a choice not to be with them in a committed relationship because you believe that something they do is unacceptable to you.

It is also a demonstration of your unconditional love to allow that person to continue whatever behavior is unacceptable to you and then choose not to be in the relationship. It's not a matter of placing a condition on your love for that person. It's a matter of choice; the choice to be true to yourself and have your needs met or not.

When you love someone. . . you love them. Making a choice not to be in the relationship because you find their behavior unacceptable is only and always about choice. And there are consequences. When you love someone and you choose to walk away, you are only talking about the choice to get your needs met, not about love.

Anyone who can't understand how someone could do that, obviously is only thinking of themselves; they are only comparing the level of unacceptability with something they find unacceptable. Not a good idea. They are only speaking for themselves.

We need to understand that what is acceptable to some might be unacceptable to someone else.

To stay in a committed relationship when you know that unacceptable behavior is going on can never be a healthy love relationship and the issue will always be a point on contention.

Rx for the Holiday Blues!

2005-12-22T04:23:00.000-07:00

November and December are months that typically bring to mind family and friends. It is often a difficult time for people who have lost a loved one through death, divorce or separation. The suggestions in this article will help you to focus on giving the gift of happiness, not sadness, first to yourself and to your friends during the final days of this year.

During this season of celebration, are you are experiencing a dip in your mood just when it's the season to celebrate thankfulness and to be jolly? The hustle and bustle got you down? Are you overwhelmed with the busyness of the season?

Are you dreading the holidays? Feeling behind before you even begin preparations? Wish you could hibernate until the season's over? Avoiding tree-trimmings and office parties? Is your attitude, "Bah-humbug!?" For your own well being, don't boycott the holidays.

Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanza, Ramadan, New Years eve - whatever you celebrate this season, being single (or being alone) doesn't suck as much as you think. You have a choice between sitting home and wallowing in your own self pity and crying into a warm beer watching reruns of "It's a Wonderful Life" or creating a very special holiday just for you. Embrace your situation. There is hope.

Nostalgia is often characterized as depression.

Nostalgia is a disorder of the imagination, where the mind is dwelling upon past memories and loses interest in the present situation: a mood disorder. It is a longing for pleasures, experiences, or events belonging to the past. Those memories are often brought on by an aroma, a song, an old movie, a picture, and can send you back many, many years.

Although nostalgia is not depression, it can lead to depression. For nostalgia to be normal, it must contain a depressive component that is related to the recognition that the past is irrevocable. In its pathological form, the mood contains only the elated aspects without the acceptance of loss, or what could be described as bittersweet sentiment.

Homesickness deals with the nagging thought that perhaps you made a terrible mistake in leaving the comforts of your old life, which may bring a temporary phase of loneliness and depression.

There is never any benefit in longing for what once was, but rather much joy in exploring what is. Focus on the present and think positively. This approach can help reduce some of your frustration and unhappiness as well as build your confidence to live in the spirit of the holiday season.

To really enjoy it during the holidays, you'll first need to temper your expectations. Forget about what's "supposed" to happen. Remember that lots of people out there are doing what's expected, and probably running themselves a little ragged.

Some degree of loneliness is normal during the holidays. There is nothing abnormal about having the "holiday blues," which are more like a mood than any sort of lasting condition. Depression, anxiety, and other psychological symptoms are associated with the holidays because this season brings back memories of a happier time in our lives. Plan a holiday where loneliness doesn't dominate.

Carving the turkey with friends and shopping for a gift for someone special is a part of life during the holidays. Drowning your troubles in egg nog and pigging out on holiday candy is not the solution.

Doing the holidays solo? Being alone is a challenge for many people. Not being coupled during all the various gatherings can leave singles feeling left out, sad, and empty inside. What can you do to make the holidays joyous rather than depressing?

If you are feeling alone during the holidays because of a death, divorce or separation from your loved one or if you are feeling obligated to visit or entertain friends or relatives that you would rather avoid, perhaps the following guidelines may help minimize the "Holiday Blues."

One thing to remember: There is no cure-all for the holiday blues, however it is important for you to understand that the only person in charge of how you "feel" is you.

Before you get defensive about that statement, I suggest that you take a closer look at the real issue that brings on this feeling. It is not in your best interest to allow what you think to color how you feel.

Understand the difference between the holiday blues and holiday stress. Holiday blues are feelings of loss or sadness because you can't be with people who are special to you. Holiday stress is often caused because you believe you need to be with some of those people.

Feeling down is not all bad. It allows you to see that something in your life is not working. If you listen to your depression, it may help you make changes in your life. Embracing the "blues" in a positive way is a good thing.

For many people, the holidays are a traditional time of happiness and festivity. However, for those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, the holidays are a time of mixed emotions. Be aware of what triggers your emotions. Do your best to accept that your emotions will vary during the holidays. Make time to deal with your emotions. Have a good cry, punch some pillows and shout out loud about how angry you are. But then, as best you can, let it go.

Plan ahead. Schedule some fun events for January to give you something to look forward to.

No one wants to be alone during the holidays. And although you may not be in a position to do anything about being with the one you would rather be with, you can do something to help yourself focus on making yourself "merry" during the holidays. A holiday alone does not have to be the end of the world. Here are a few suggestions to help you dodge the perils of solitude and radiate holiday cheer.

To read the complete article with more than 55 tips for the holidazed, go to http://www.CelebrateLove.com/holidayblues.htm!

Relationships Require Attention - Every Day and Every Minute!

2005-11-13T02:10:00.000-07:00

All there is, is relationships! Relationships are about how we relate; with ourselves; with people; with our love partner; with the predicaments we find ourselves in; with our boss; with everything!

How we do that, can inspire a lifetime of love and passion or a lifetime of regret for not having lived life to its fullest in our relationships . Great relationships with others begin with having a great relationship with ourselves. This must be foremost in our minds, every day and every minute.

It begins with you. Make yourself better than you ever thought you could be and you will find the relationship you have with your love partner getting better. This works especially well when two people are focusing on working on themselves; together. Then, the relationship you have with the one you love can only grow and prosper.

Only selfish people think only of themselves. When you really love yourself you cannot help but want to give some of your love away. Other people have a need to be loved. So do you. People are like that.

Like attracts like. What you become you attract. Want a great love partner? Become a great love partner! Work on this one. Sharing love with someone else must only and always begin with you. Learn to relate to yourself better. What make you tick? What makes your relationships tick? Answer these questions truthfully and you may discover yourself and a better relationship.

Relationships, when we pay attention to them, are a request for us to be our personal best. Relationships, especially with someone we love and love to pay attention to, begin us on a personal quest, not only for answers but for questions. You are on the threshold of adventure. . . a journey of self-discovery. You may begin to understand why successful love relationships are something to which we must give our undivided attention.

Put yourself first! Never give yourself away in a relationship to the point that you put others before yourself.

Decide what is acceptable and what is unacceptable to you; to your relationship with others and to your relationship with your love partner.

Be yourself. Remember, like attracts like. Be someone who attracts the kind of people you really love to be with! Be the best you can be. Always. Every day and every minute. Plan on good stuff happening in your life and the life you have with the one you're with and watch what happens!

There are some people we don't get along with very well. You know, the ones who, if they would only change, you would really love to be with. Well, the bad news is. . . they are you! It's true. What you see in others, whether you like it or not, whether it is good or bad, is a reflection of something in you that needs attention and perhaps healing in yourself.

What you perceive in others you only strengthen that same characteristic in yourself. The next time this happens, stop, take a breath, step back and notice that this is when you are being the old you and not being the best you can be.

Do you know how to change that? It simple! Do something different. Change your thinking, then change your behavior and you change your life. Change your 'not so great' relationship behavior and you change your relationships. Almost always for the better.

I say, "almost," because your love partner and you, both have choice about whether you will change; for the good; for the worse or just maintain. When you really love someone, you feel a need to move forward, to bigger and better things. . . together.

When you know what it is that you have to do to make your life and your relationships better, and you don't do it, just know that there can be no good reason for not doing it. I dare you to make people try to believe that you have a good reason, without having them look at you funny. That funny look may mean they think you are full of it.

When you change your attitude about another person, a situation or whatever it is, you give power to the other person or situation to change. It's giving freedom. You can only grant this freedom if you have it to give away. Then, they have choice about whether they change, or not, and you may also have some new choices to consider. Those choices can always lead you to something better when you decide that is what you want for your relationship.

Just because you know this doesn't mean anything. Something can never really mean anything until you do something with it. We must do something - whatever it takes - to make our relationships the relationships we love being in. We must always carefully consider what action to take.

Every choice has a consequence; some we call good, some we call not so good. Action without thought is only thoughtless action. Relationships are individual projects first and mutually beneficial projects second and they take our constant attention; every day and every minute.

Knowing this does not mean your relationships will always be great either. You have choice. The dilemma is this: there are two people. That means there are two choices. Not to say anything about the multitude of choices that each of you have. Each love partner is only and always responsible for their own choice.

It is when we forget this that the problem begins. We expect our love partner to make the best choices and when they are not our choices, we get disappointed and most people call that a problem.

The fact that all there is, is relationships, should, every day and every minute, find us being the best we can be. Relationships is the one thing that everyone can relate to. It is often the last thing we work on until the mountain is so high we can both hardly climb it. I have a question. If we know this, for what good reason don't we work most on what counts the most; the relationships we have with with ourself and others?

We use reasons to explain away why we don't want to do something; reasons why we don't want to change. If we know that doing something different might help the situation, not doing something different is called "stupid." The best reason why has never solved the problem. Often reasons why are understandable, however what is not understandable is why we feel the need to have our lives dominated by reasons why we didn't do something different instead of results.

When we make the decision to go for results in our love relationships, that's the real moment we make a decision to grow and prosper, both personally and professionally. We turn our back on childishness. The decision to allow growth to occur is when we become clear that results are more important than reasons why we don't have them. And. . . when we really love ourselves and the one we're with, why would we not want to always focus on results in our relationships?

Explore ways of being that empower your relationship. . . explore and discover them together. . . every day and every minute.

10 Ways to Simplify Your Life

2005-11-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

1. Men need to grow up. Mama doesn't live here anymore. Make notes to yourself. Remind yourself to take out the garbage and other things that will keep harmony in your relationship.

2. Go to bed by 9 p.m. at least one night each week. You won't miss anything. AND you can spend some quality time with your partner and be more rested and ready to face the world again the following day.

3. Simplify your life by getting rid of relationships in your life that drain your energy. Develop some new relationships with people who help build you up, not bring you down.

4. Even though you are in a relationship, you must make time for you. Often people forget about taking care of themselves. They become so involved in the relationship they forget about #1. You owe it to yourself and life.

5. Be courageous. Be who YOU are. Stop trying to be someone you think someone else wants you to be. Stand up for who you are.

6. Learn to move past the "small stuff" fast. Don't linger in the past with something that happened that you cannot change. Forgive if necessary and move on. Hanging on to anger, resentment, etc., is an energy drain. Life is too short. Take time to tell those you love how much you care each and everyday.

7. Stop complaining about things your partner does that annoy you. Instead catch them doing something right and offer a sincere compliment with a dash of love and perhaps a hug thrown in.

8. When things become stressful in your relationship, stop and take a deep breath. Pause. Relax. Ask yourself, "Will becoming more upset about this push me closer to what I want or further away?" Create something constructive to do to instead of becoming stuck in your negativity about the situation.

9. Let your partner catch you with a smile on your face. Be happy. Happiness is a wise choice. Happiness is contagious.

10. Design a quiet place to do some serious soul searching. Spend time alone. Think about what you can do to bring more quality to your relationships. Self connect. Who would you have to become and how would you have to do things differently for your life and your relationships to be a 10?

I Hate Snakes!

2005-11-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

I was walking from my car to my home. My head was down. My eyes were watching where I was going. Suddenly, I felt fear. I almost stepped on a small snake. I hate snakes. Especially when I don't know they are there.

My memory recognized a snake. I stopped. I looked closely. The two pieces of twisted straw looked very much like a small snake. At first glance, it really did look like a snake.

Then I realized that in order for me to think the two pieces of straw was a snake, I had to be able to remember what a snake looked like. The picture in my mind was so strong that my body almost went into panic.

You know. That feeling you get in your stomach when, while driving, someone cuts in front of you and in a milisecond your foot is on the break. You know the feeling, the feeling of fear. The fear I felt was very real. And there was no snake. Only two small, twisted pieces of straw.

Our memory trigger visions for our imagination. Then our imagination makes it real. So real, in fact, that our body doesn't know the difference between what is real and what is not. When it manufactures fear, our involuntary responses go into action. You feel a rush. You are not in control anymore. Whatever it is, you so south. . . you check out and it takes over.

Fear is a powerful thing. And we make it up! Fear is false evidence appearing real. Fear doesn't come from out there. It comes from us. . . from within. Often it is involuntary, as in the case of the twisted straws. Sometimes it is voluntary. Sometimes we would rather make up something that keeps fear in place than to boldly step forward, with the first step firmly smashing our fear.

Why do we do this? Often it is to avoid the responsibility of doing what we know must be done. Sometimes it is because we are so afraid, the fear immobilizes us. It freezes us in our tracks.

Think about it. Be honest with yourself. Look back and remember a time when your life was being controlled by fear and when you finally got the courage to do the thing that you feared, the thing wasn't like you imagined it at all. Guess what? It is seldom ever is as bad as we make it up to be.

When you do the thing you fear to do the most, the death of fear is certain.

In healthy love relationships, there is no second place

2005-11-06T01:53:00.000-07:00

There is no longer any need to have one of you be number one and one of you be number two. Healthy people share. In a healthy love relationship, generosity expresses itself generously. Love partners are not afraid to share the spotlight.

We need to give up the idea of having to have any one of the two people who make up a relationship be subservient or number two. This idea takes some work because many people believe that one should be over the other. This is a bad idea.

When two people really love each other, they are not afraid to be their love partner's equal. Two people, each number one to each other and to the relationship, working together on similar things and accepting mutual responsibility when things are good and also when things are not so good, can only empower the relationship.

You give "of" yourself to the other. You never give "up" yourself to the other.

When you are both number one, no one ever has to worry about competition in the relationship. You never have to worry about oneupsmanship. When two people work together, they can accomplish more. It's the power of two working together as one.

If you want to experience a sense of revival in your relationships you must consistently push toward a state of continuing to be revived.

It is a do-it-yourself project.

Random Thoughts to a Coaching Client

2005-10-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Letting go is not complicated. It is simple. Not easy. Simply identify the
situation you want to let go of and ask yourself, "Am I willing to waste my
energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "no," then that's it! Let
go. Telling someone is a bonus. Detachment is only for you, never for
another. It promotes healing. Choice is always present when you let go. You
do not have to let go and there are consequences.

Letting go of behavioral patterns that no longer serve us often feels as
though we are risking our safety and comfort.

Calculated risks taken for the benefit of our own well being are worth
taking. This form of movement is safer than standing still. Those who remain
stationary become an easy target for misery of their own creation.

The energy we expend by holding on often leaves us drained and with a
feeling of hopelessness.

Letting go does not mean you should stop doing whatever it takes to make
your relationship work. Let go of your expectations about how
you think it might work out and instead focus all your energy on what you
want, not what you don't want.

Expectations vs. Needs! We often expect our love partner to make the best
choices for themselves and our relationship and when they are not our
choices, we often get angry or disappointed. . . or both. Most people call
this situation a problem: a problem we create by our expectations. Try
this: "no expectations, fewer disappointments." It's that simple. Not
easy. Simple. No expectations equals unconditional love.

We all experience the need to have healthy choices exercised and when they
don't show up, we either choose to have conversations about them or not. If
the choices are abusive and therefore unacceptable, we begin to think about
making a responsible choice to leave the relationship. However, always
picking our lover apart because their choices are not the ones we would make
can only point the relationship in the direction of failure.

If we could accept the notion that everyone is doing the best they can,
regardless of whether their choices are our choices, our attitude about our
relationship would improve and perhaps the relationship we have would become
the relationship we enjoy being in.

We must learn to distinguish between expectations and needs. Everyone has a
need to be loved, to be understood, to be accepted and to be forgiven when
necessary. For us to have expectations about how those needs get fulfilled
can only cause disappointment.

Unfulfilled expectations always causes problems. It is important to allow
our love partner the freedom to fulfill our needs in their own best way. To
do so, can only inspire a love that goes far beyond what we ever could have
imagined! What you can be with in life. . . lets you be!

It takes no strength to let go; only courage. Courage is a byproduct of a
positive self-image.

When there seems to be a lack of love, it is only that you are keeping it
away.

Whenever you feel lonely, deprived or rejected, tell yourself that there is
never a lack of love. Love is always available everywhere, especially inside
of you. Then stop and realize, you can always open your heart. You can give
to others the love you have been longing for. When you do this, not only do
you feel better, but love from others soon comes streaming back to you.

Exercise: Look around and see who is right there around you. Find something
positive about that. Become aware of your negative judgments of them and let
them go. Become aware of the distance that you are creating between the two
of you by your own thoughts. Now, find something else positive about them.
If you feel you can, tell them. (This step make take awhile to do. It is not
absolutely necessary in the beginning, just finding something positive is a
great help as well).

This action of finding something positive about another person, and "letting
go" of negative, judgmental thoughts about them, is in itself an act of
love. It is a way of exercising our love giving-receiving ability,
strengthening our muscles and seeing the beauty in everyone.

We are strongest when we are letting go of what doesn't work. That's change
in action. When we open our mind to behave in a different way, we create the
freedom to love. To open our hearts to love is perhaps the greatest gift we
can give to ourselves.

When you finally understand that it is "not" unfashionable to negotiate
situations rather than standing firm and allowing the past to rule your
present, relationships become relationships you can live with.

When you understand that time spent justifying your position that is not
working is futile, you can then move forward with a velocity that frees you
to address the issues and deploy solutions that are clearly essential to
everyone's well-being.

We use reasons to explain away why we don't want to do something different;
reasons why we don't want to change. If we know that doing something
different might help the situation, not doing something different is called
"stupid." The best reason why has never solved the problem.

Often reasons why are understandable, however what is not understandable is
why we feel the need to have our lives dominated by reasons why we didn't do
something different instead of results. When we make the decision to go for
results in our love relationships. . . that's the real moment we make a
decision to grow and prosper.

May all your prayers be "thank yous!"

The Relationship Super Bowl

2005-07-28T01:37:00.000-07:00

Have you every watched the Super Bowl and noticed how each player moves with intentionality. If we could only understand that healthy love relationships demand the same intentionality.

You are not in training for the Super Bowl, you are "in" the Relationship Super Bowl. This is it. This is the big one. This game is for real. It's the only game in town.

How are you going to play it? Play it safe? Or play to win? You are already in the game. When are you going to begin playing? Not playing around. Playing. Really playing to win. Seriously playing. Going all out. Doing the best you can. Life is too short not to always do the best you can.

Healthy love relationships are worth it. They are worthy of your very best efforts, all of the time.

Can you imagine the feeling of the players when they know they have played the very best they could and they won?

Can you imagine what it would be like to have a love relationship that was a result of both love partners always doing the best they can; one you really loved being in?

I'm talking about the kind of relationship where both love partners share the honor of wearing the championship Relationship Super Bowl ring. The ring that gives the honor of number one to both partners in equal measure.

Teams win the Super Bowl. Part of your honor will be knowing you played together as team.

You are winning. . . and you have not yet won the game. The game called "relationship" is never over.

Your relationship is the foundation for all things good. It demands your constant attention. And when you pay attention to it, other good things happen too.

Catch the fever! Let yourself get caught up in the excitement of a relationship that is full of adventure; the one that you thought you could only imagine.

Go for it! Give your relationship all you've got. Commit to playing full out. . . together.

Here's to the heros; the heros of healthy love relationships!

Here's to the miracle your relationship can become when you catch the fever and play with intentionality!

No One Can Hurt You

2005-07-18T02:09:00.000-07:00

Let's explore the thought that no one can cause anyone pain unless the person who the hurt is focused upon chooses to feel pain. We are not talking about burying your hurt or suppressing your feelings. To do so would be extremely unhealthy.

There are two points to be made. One, no one can hurt you and, number two, you can choose to feel hurt. It is only and always your choice.

If you feel hurt, then experience the pain for a moment, then get on with what's next.

No one can hurt you. You can look at this from several points of view. One view says, "Na na na na na, You can't hurt me!" or in other words, "I am so angry at you, I could spit and I don't want you to know that it hurts!" Or, number two, you could say, "Feeling hurt is an individual decision. It's a choice. I choose to be in control of my feelings."

No one can hurt you means, no matter what you do or what you say, I will interpret it however I choose, and will allow myself to feel pain for as long as I thinks it serves me, then I will get on with my life.

I may choose to feel hurt and I am clear that you are not the one who is inflicting the pain. . . I am. This is by far the more mature way to handle the hurt - to be with the hurt. This new thought is, in the beginning, difficult for some to understand. Some reject the idea totally. This is a mistake. To acknowledge this truth and to live your life by it can open up new opportunities for you to contribute to others.

No one can hurt you does not mean that when someone says or does something that is hurtful, you will not feel pain. It simply means that you have accepted that your responsibility in the matter is to choose to feel pain or not to feel pain.

Let's be honest. When someone says or does something hurtful we most often choose to feel hurt. It doesn't have to be that way. And it is okay to express how you feel. It is not healthy to stay stuck with the hurt.

Choosing to feel hurt; to dwell on the pain; to go to the extreme of inviting guests to your "pity party" is an unhealthy attitude. In other words, telling everyone you meet about your hurt only prolongs the agony. It will forever keep you stuck.

No one can hurt you only means you can't hurt me. Only I can choose to feel the pain. When someone says something that I interpret as hurtful and I feel hurt, it does not mean that they hurt me. It only means that when they said what they said, I heard what I heard. Notice the emphasis is on "I."

We hear things the way they are to us based upon our past. If we think someone can hurt us . . . we are right! And we choose to feel pain. If, on the other hand, we believe that no one can hurt us. . . we are right! And we may or may not choose to feel pain. Feeling hurt by someone's deeds or unkind words is only always a matter of individual choice.

You can't get my goat if you don't know where it's tied up!

Forgiveness

2005-06-10T01:55:00.000-07:00

I believe that forgiveness holds the key to our happiness. I would stop short of saying that if we don't seek forgiveness we may never be happy again. And, that could be true. We may have occasional spurts of happiness and we may notice that there is something else that needs to be done to insure a more consistent pattern of happiness. Unhappiness is a choice. We may be always and only thinking about forgiving ourselves and others, which keeps us from forgiving and the happiness we deserve. Doing is the key.

I am saying that our future happiness will be free to express itself more openly and spontaneously when we can forgive ourselves and forgive others. . . with no concern about whether they or we deserve it. We may notice that we carry forgiveness as a burden. That's a sign that points in the right direction. If we can notice that, we will be in wonder of what might happen if we could shed this tiresome burden of non-forgiveness.

When we give in to our curiosity, we will find ourselves on a path of forgiveness that can lead to more happiness than we can possibly imagine.

Forgiveness opens doors. Windows to. The window to open is the one to the world in which you are free to do and be what you are here to do and be. Without the tiresome burden of worry, you unleash unlimited possibilities. Without the worry of non-forgiveness you can get on with what's next.

Additional resource:

Read, "Forgiveness. . . What's it for?" - Forgiveness is often misunderstood. We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. This article suggests that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you as a healthy way of releasing the anger, resentment, etc. To read this article, go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/forgive.htm

Intuition. . . Listen to It

2005-05-17T01:48:00.000-07:00

You must learn to distinguish between head-talk and heart-talk. You will want to only heed the voice of the heart for it is intuition.

Intuition is not made up of information that you already know. For that matter, it is not made up of anything that you have ever known.

When It speaks, you are most likely hearing It for the first time. That's why It's voice is so commanding. It's not the voice you have been used to hearing. It's the other voice.

It has all the answers and is only there to assist you. Be enlightened by the answers; answers that may challenge what you may prefer to do.

Hear it is, telling you all this neat stuff you could do to make your relationships better, and It's voice is so new, we wonder where "that" came from.

We often pass it off as just another one of those fleeting thoughts. David Zukav once said, "Intuition is perception beyond the physical senses that is meant to assist you. It is that sensory system which operates without data from the five senses."

In the future, if it is a voice you haven't heard before and it's saying things you haven't heard before, let it get your attention. Listen to It's voice. That inner voice speaks as loud as you are willing to listen to it.

When you give it your attention, it's voice beomes so commanding you would have to not pay attention on purpose to not hear it.

Intuition short-circuits your own conversation. And what does it matter? What you've been saying; what your own voice has told you that is no longer working, is what has brought you to where you are right now.

When your own conversation fails to provide its own encouragement it is time to listen to your intuition; the other voice. Honor your intutition. It's intention is to serve you.

Always trust your intuition. It is always right.

Some call it intuition. Some call it the voice of God. Call it whatever you want. Only learn to recognize Its voice.

Kidding Around With Romance

2005-04-30T01:06:00.000-07:00

Youthful and playful activities can add spark to your relationship. Being playful in adult relationships is a good thing. It's perfect for a first date and can even help light a fire under long-term couples whose affections have cooled.

Being playful isn't something logical. It's being the little kid in a big body, having fun, being happy and enjoying each other without concern about whether what you're doing is proper.

It's doing things with a sparkle in our eyes and with a laughing face. It's being a free-soul, with a sense of humor and in action with one another.

It's having an "I can hardly wait" attitude and taking a break from the fixed framework of your everyday life; it's celebrating distraction.

It's having the self-confidence to be or do something without the concern of what others might think. It's being okay with looking dumb, acting silly or stupid in a childlike way.

Bankrupt in the playful department? Spend an afternoon watching children play. It's childlike frolicking and drawing gleefully outside the lines.

It's being sponteneous with a childlike curiosity. Being playful is to be more candid, intimate, and outrageous. Being playful is being full of high-spirited fun: frisky, frolicsome, impish, mischievous. It's letting your playful spirit come out and play.

If they're not OK with you being who you are, that might be a clue as to whether you have a second date. Is that a great time saver or what?

You can also schedule a "PlayDate!" where you only play and focus on fun; no coversation about issues. Being playful is a great icebreaker, especially if sharing childhood memories - or favorite foods, worst nightmares, most embarrassing moments - is involved. Such honest revelations sometimes help determine if this is someone with whom you'd enjoy spending more time or you can learn more about the partner you're with.

Select a special day each week to compliment your mate. Be sure the compliment is personal and handmade; send an e-mail, a card or love poster, or a handwritten sweet note.

Take crayons to a family-friendly restaurant and draw pictures or write notes to each other on the placemats. Go to a Kids Cartoon Movie together.

Go out for ice cream, a movie, a concert or just take a walk. Attend church together. Play Frisbee in a park. Visit a local high school football game on the spur of the moment. Make it a weekly activity for you and your love partner to share throughout the year.

Slide down the hill on a large, flattened cardboard box or, in the summer, on a large block of ice. Go bicycling together. Have a food fight.

Jump rope. Read a Dr. Suess book together. Get down on the floor and spend an evening together playing children's games or playing with children's toys.

Go out and buy a music CD together. When you return home, turn on the music, sit on the back porch and enjoy hot cider or a cold crink and each other's company.

Plan a picnic on a playground for children and play on the swings. Enjoy the feeling of flying through the breeze. Play on the slide or in the sand box.

Blindfold your date, drive him to an ice cream parlor and make him guess the flavor of as many samples as they'll let you try.

Visit a candy store. Suck on a lollipop. Sit under a tree and watch the squirrels. Recall a childhood memory or activity and engage your partner in reliving it.

Date your mate! Focus on having fun. Committed love partners know it is wise to plan their time together. Go on a date. Talk about it. Plan it in advance. Don't wait until the last moment. Take turns planning these events. Lovers show their consideration for each other this way. To do otherwise is to take your togetherness for granted.

It's never too late to begin a new, playful tradition. Being playful is a good thing!

* * *

A special "thank you" to Janie Magruder, The Arizona Republic for the inspiration for this article.

Audioapathy

2005-03-17T00:17:00.000-07:00

Empathic listening is a choice. Audioapathy is a word I coined to describe the condition often experienced when partners become apathetic about listening when their partner talks with them. It is a dreaded dis-ease that can poison your relationship. Although it appears that men are more affected than women, some women also get it.

Hearing is involuntary. You can be sound asleep and still hear something or someone, but listening is voluntary. It is an intellectual and emotional choice. It implies effective communication between the sender and the receiver, which hearing does not.

It is a wise partner who, when their partner is talking, puts down the evening newspaper or turns the TV off, makes eye contact and truly listens to what their partner is saying. Very wise. It may be difficult to listen to what they have to say, however, if the truth hurts - be grateful. When your partner talks, listen for the truth about what they are saying instead of going on the defensive. That only keeps you stuck.

It may take courage for your partner to express their feelings if they haven't been used to doing so. To immediately defend your own position (or to disagree or argue) invalidates your partner's feelings and usually serves to turn off future sharing possibilities. Listen for the opportunity to assist the relationship by taking responsibility for what you may be doing that trips their trigger and causes them to make a choice to feel the way they do.

Empathic listening gets inside your partner's frame of reference. You see their world the way they see it, you understand their paradigm, you understand how they "feel."

Apathetic listeners breed contempt, resentment and often the person who desperately needs to be heard eventually shuts down. A lack of effective communication is the number one problem in relationships.

Listen more and talk less. You can't learn anything when you're talking. How do you spell success in a relationship? Be wise. Listen. L-I-S-T-E-N.

Additional resource:

Read, "Communicating is Not Optional: How to Listen So Your Partner Will Talk." - A communication gap not only undermines the potential of your relationship; it can, and usually will eventually destroy the relationship. Use an effective process Larry James uses when coaching couples to teach them to listen and talk, but not at the same time. Go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/communicate.htm

Do What Works!

2005-02-18T01:55:00.000-07:00

Practicing a relationship technique does not make the relationship perfect, it only makes it better. It is important to know the right techniques to practice with in order to be sure you stay on track.

If a golfer continues to practice the wrong golf swing, without lessons, he will only get better at doing the wrong thing better.

It is also important to be coachable; to be open to learning new ways of being in relationships. To continue to do what isn't working is stupid. Perhaps true wisdom is not only possessing knowledge, but knowing who to ask; someone who has been there, done that and what they were doing works.

Don't try harder. Learn to do better. Test new ideas. Reinvent yourself. Change your behavior and you will change the relationship. Change your attitude and see what happens.

For example, if your partner is dumping the results of their bad day on you, the attitude with which you listen will make a difference. Instead of hearing it as a complaint, hear it as a cry for a committed listener; someone who will only listen to what they are saying instead of feeling that you are responsible for offering a solution to fix the problem.

Working on our relationship; paying attention to the little things and putting forth extra effort all are admirable unless you are using the wrong tool. To use an aviation term - flying blind; using no tools and hoping it works out. Persistence on this level is stupidity in action.

Persistence is good only when you are doing the right things. If something doesn't work, change directions. Be flexible.

Relationships Have Two Teachers!

2005-02-08T00:26:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately, good times are often poor teachers because relationship success often breeds complacency.

Great success often paves the way to illusions of omnipotence and self-importance. That's the time when love partners who once celebrated a caring, attention-giving and creative relationship begin to suffer from poor judgement.

Never fear relationship problems or avoid them thinking they will go away. They won't. Problems are to make us, not break us.

The smart partner practices preventative maintenance. They learn new lessons for relationship success. They bring excellence to the relationship. They are always seeking new ways to make their partner feel special. If it isn't obvious by now, they place a high priority on the relationship.

Your relationship has two teachers; one spoils you when things are going great; the other speaks to you when things go wrong.

You are both teachers.

This is an awesome responsibility, I might add. Knowing this carries with it accountability. Responsibility without accountability doesn't work. You cannot manage the terrain of relationships with your eyes closed.

Pay more attention to the ups and downs. Not doing so has a sobering affect on your partner and your relationship. Stretch yourself. Find new resources of relationship information. Begin now. If you wait for problems to go away, the relationship may disappear while you are waiting.

Discover new ways of being that support you, your partner and the relationship; ways that consistently inspire you to pay more attention to the "little things." Be consistent and creative in your efforts to do whatever it takes to make your relationship great.

You don't need someone to tell you something is missing from your relationship. You know. You can feel it. Remember. . . you are BOTH teachers. Perhaps they will teach you balance.

The choice is yours. Will you do something about it? That's a good question to ponder while things are going well.

The Essence of Romance

2005-01-30T15:00:00.000-07:00

Are you bankrupt in the romance department? Has the passionate beginning of your relationship cooled down? Too wupped for whoopee?

Romance is a mystery to some of us. And it is often misunderstood. To help us have a clearer picture of romance, first we must define it. If you look up the word in the dictionary you will find that most definitions are vague and the true essence of romance is missing.

Often when coaching couples who have drifted apart, I will ask this question: "Are you still doing the things that brought you together in the first place?" The answer is usually, "No." The romance is gone! This is a big mistake.

The quality of your love relationship has everything to do with romance.

Romance reflects an attitude of interest and pursuit. In the beginning flattering words and positive actions were clearly designed to win the affection of your partner. We put our best foot forward. When pursuit stops, romance generally deteriorates.

Continue the pursuit. It meets a deep emotional need and builds your partner's sense of security in the relationship. Do it with an enthusiastic attitude. Be romantic with intention. Romance reflects thoughtful affection.

A lack of romance in a relationship is a red flag. It doesn't just communicate a lack of pizzazz or that the "honeymoon is over." It sends a message that you no longer value each other; that your partner is a lower priority.

Relationship flounder when partners take each other for granted. What you take for granted, disappears. Taking someone for granted, breeds disrespect, resentment and becomes a wedge between two lovers. Then comes the drifting apart you once feared.

Consider the consequences of romantic neglect. When you lose the spontaneity and freshness of romance, the more boring, predictable and unromantic your relationship becomes.

Romance requires constant observation and forethought concerning the needs, likes and desires of your partner. Discover new things you can do to spend quality time together. What makes the person in your life feel special or loved? Listen for ideas or things your partner would like to have or do.

Can the passion that was ignited with romance in the beginning continue? The answer is, "Yes." It takes effort. It takes a little thought. It takes planning ahead. It takes doing something for your partner on my own initiative without being asked.

Make a promise to your partner to create together a once-a-week "date night!" AND, keep your word. Plan something especially romantic. Let nothing prevent your weekly get together. If you have children, have a trusted friend watch them at their house. Return the favor.

Continuing romance is a matter of respect. Romance is an acknowledgment of value. It is visible evidence of love. It keeps your heart turned toward your partner and develops forward movement.

In a romantic moment, to say, "I love you" is great. However, to redeem the meaning of love in your relationship, you should not just say it out loud, you must show it consistently. Romance demonstrates that the words are true.

Love with positive action is very real and is the essence of true romance.

Additional resource:

Read, "1001 Ways to be Romantic" by Greg Godek. Go to: http://www.celebratelove.com/ljbs2.htm

Never Intentionally Say Hurtful Words to Your Partner

2005-01-17T02:45:00.000-07:00

If I Had Only Known - Jana Stanfield

If I had only known it would be our last walk in the rain,
I'd keep you out for hours in the storm.
I would hold your hand like a lifeline to my heart,
and underneath the sun we'd be warm.
If I had only known it was our last walk in the rain.

If I had only known I'd never hear your voice again,
I'd memorize each thing you ever said.
And on those lonely nights, I could think of them once more,
And keep your words alive inside my head,
If I had only known, I'd never hear your voice again.

Lyrics © by Jana Stanfield. Listen to these words, then read the following. Go to: If I Had Only Known.

What if you knew this would be the last day you would spend with your partner; the last time you would ever talk to them?

Would you say the following?

"You just don't care about the house. I'm the only one who does. You 'never' do anything to help!"

"What a klutz."

"It's no wonder you got a divorce. I'd like to talk to your ex!"

"Go to hell!"

"How could you do that after all I've we've been through?"

"(Bleep) you!"

"You disgust me; just shut up."

"What a slob!"

"I wish I'd never married you!"

"I have to do everything around here!"

"You are absolutely good for nothing"

"That dress makes your butt look fat!"

"You are just plain clumsy! I could make a long list of the stupid things you've done!"

"That does it! Why don't we just get a divorce? We can't ever seem to get along!"

Would you say these words to your child if you knew it was the last time you would speak to them?

"You'll never amount to anything."

"You're going to be locked up someday."

"You're the reason your mother and I are getting a divorce."

"Your brother would never do that. You must have done it."

"You only got a 97 on your exam? What happened to the other three points?"

Ever catch yourself saying, "I wish I hadn't said that!"? Thoughtless words spoken by a stranger do not have nearly the impact as the same words spoken by someone you trust; someone you love - a partner.

Thoughtless words once spoken cut like a knife. Reckless words pierce like a sword. They leave long-lasting scars. They contain injurious subtleties. They are often intended to cause guilt trips.

Do not overlook the impact of your words to your partner. Insults take many forms and they all hurt. Hurtful words are seldom forgotten.

Thoughtless words such as these generally spawn disagreement which often cause arguments that derail the relationship and shift the subject from the one casting stones.

Some justify their words by saying, "I'm just being honest" or "I'm just telling you how I really feel" or "Well, that's just who I am" or "I'm telling you the truth!"

What they are really saying is, "I just don't care enough to want to make the effort to control my outbursts." They generally blame their partner for their tirades.

Many hurtful words come from lips that were aided by a dependence on alcohol.

Mindless name calling is destructive. The meanness behind unkind words is uncalled for and serves no worthwhile purpose.

Don't be careless with your words. Speaking before thinking is a harmful habit. Better healing words than hurtful words. Better compromises then brandings. Thoughtless words do not lift people up, they drag people down.

Why do partners put each other down? Why do they criticize and condemn someone they say they love? Why do people criticize their partners to their face and also behind their back? Why do they feel so justified to do that?

Name-calling is based in poor self-esteem and wanting to use power to put others down. It has a spiral effect of further lowering self-esteem of both the name-caller and the partner being abused. Surely they must feel weak, vulnerable and unloved, and surely they seek to find that strength, power and acceptance through the games they play with their partner.

Living with a verbal abuser keeps you off-balance. They can be extremely pleasant one minute and bitingly vicious the next. The most calculating verbal abusers may be friendly and charming to most of the people who know them and hateful, disrespectful and hurl degrading insults to the one they say they love only in private.

You will find the receiver of thoughtless words suffering in silence, while inside, their heart becomes bruised from the verbal abuse. They feel hurt and attacked. Anger, depression, resentment, disgust and low self-esteem can be products of verbal abuse.

For partners with a poor self image, cruel words can send them to the edge. Cruel words become chronic stressors when your partner hears them regularly.

If your partner is verbally abusive, just remember: There is never a good reason to stay in an abusive relationship. Never!

If you are guilty of saying hurtful words, the next time everyday pressures build up to where you feel like lashing out, try something else:

Put your hands over your mouth. Count to 10, or better, 20.
Stop in your tracks. Press your lips together and breathe deeply.
Phone a friend or a relationship coach.
Bite your tongue.
Take a leisurely walk and think about how to better handle the situation.
Splash cold water on your face.
Close your eyes and imagine you're hearing what your partner hears.
Promise yourself to simply to be more thoughtful before speaking.

Toothpaste once squeezed, cannot be put back into the tube. Feathers scattered in the wind cannot be collected. You cannot un-ring a bell. Hurtful words once spoken, cannot be taken back.

By the way, saying "I'm sorry" is okay as long as the behavior stops. Too many "I'm sorrys" is like crying, "Wolf!"

Speak unto others as you would have them speak unto you. Think twice before you say something that may hurt someone else!

Make an effort to make sure the last words to your partner each morning and each night are loving, positive and encouraging.

When was the last time you told your partner, "I love you"?

Tomorrow is never a promise for anyone! What if today were your only chance to say, "I love you?"

Additional resources:

The lyrics for "If I Had Only Known" are from Jana Stanfield's CD, "Stop, Look and Listen." For Jana's music, go to: http://www.celebratelove.com/jana.htm

Read, "Weigh Your Words." - It is a wise love partner who is aware of the potential damage loose words can cause. Words spoken in anger inflict wounds that often take a long time to heal. Think first. . . then speak! Go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/words.htm

Read, "Domestic Violence Sucks!" - Physical and emotional abusive behavior is sick! If you are in an abusive relationship, this article is a must-read. Includes helpful info and links for support for abuse victims. Go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/domesticviolence.htm

It's Time for the 3rd Degree!

2005-01-15T01:09:00.000-07:00

Are you "being" the right partner?

Do you rush your way through the daily relationship routine without thinking about what you say before you say it?

Is your relationship in breakdown?

Is your time with your partner a Horror Show?

Are you a monotonous bore?

Do you want to be happy in your relationship or right!?

Are you experiencing anger and frustration over something that should have been forgiven long ago?

Does you relationship seems like random nothingness?

Do you look at your iPOD play list for advice and solace?

Do you have a habit of retreating into the doldrums as an avoidance technique?

Are you thrilled by your own opinion, yet disagree or argue when your partner expresses their own?

Are you content to be warmed by the dying embers of your relationship rather than give up being right?

Are you drowning in disillusionment?

Who would you have to become to have your relationship be great?

Are you emotionally lost?

Do you babble to yourself about your relationship blunders, yet have little intention of changing your behavior?

Is neglect an unwelcome visitor to your relationship?

Does nothing ever come true on your relationship wish list?

Feeling completely empty; no emotions, no feelings, no energy?

Approaching full-blown relationship burnout?

Do you spend half your day trying to turn the other half around?

Do you resist the adjustments needed to change attitudes and thoughts about your relationship? Do you get lost in those thoughts?

Is your relationship stuck on replaying the same old stuff?

Is it disturbing to ponder such inquiries?

It is not necessary to love everything about yourself to like who you are!

Perhaps your quest for a better relationship with yourself and your partner should involve some serious soul-searching. A little introspect into what is going on within you; what you are thinking about your partner; what you are feeling, etc. This never hurt anyone. Maybe it's time to push the relationship reset button.

Take time for reflection. Make it a time of promise for a new and better vision for the relationship you are in.

The future holds great things for you and your partner. Be excited to see the change come. Celebrate it!

Time is creeping up on you. Every minute that passes by is never going to be there again. Every minute is a missed opportunity to work on your relationship and to make a new promise to never waste another minute.

No matter what your current conundrum is, you can begin again. Start from scratch. Forgive what needs to be forgiven and move forward.

Squealing your tires doesn't get you there any faster. In other words, change that lasts, takes time. Slow down but get started now!

Make some notes in your journal.

Additional resources:

Read, "For Your Eyes Only" - Have you ever sat down, discouraged and out of steam, stuck and with a sense of hopelessness about your relationship? Have you ever felt like you needed to express what you felt? Have you ever taken the opportunity to write some notes to yourself about how you are feeling, even the feelings you feel uncomfortable sharing with anyone? Some call it "journaling." Here are some guidelines to help you begin answering these important questions. Go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/youreyes.htm

Your comments are always welcome!

Catch Your Partner Doing Something Right!

2005-01-14T02:45:00.000-07:00

Instead of always pointing the finger and calling attention to the mistakes or faults of your partner, look for and focus on the good you see in them. Catch them doing something right!

Refuse to criticize, condemn or complain about your partner. Be aware of their good habits and say something to show them you notice.

If you are always looking for mistakes, you will usually find them. Instead, forgive the mistakes and move forward. If you have a tendency to put your partner down (even in jest) or invalidate their feelings, make a choice to change that behavior.

These behaviors drive a wedge in relationships and are difficult to move past. What you think about your partner, speak about your partner, you bring about in your relationship! This is not a good path to be on. It leads the opposite way of a healthy love relationship.

What is a good alternative?

Com'-pli-ments, n. - Expressions of praise, admiration, recognition or congratulation.

Giving compliments is an excellent way of catching your partner doing something right. They develop better communication and build trust with your partner. They have several psychological effects too.

Compliments help others feel good about themselves. It causes them to feel appreciated and respected. Being appreciated brings out the best in people. It boosts self-confidence and self-worth. Partners perform better when we let them know we appreciate them. It causes shifts in attitudes about the relationship.

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men sometimes are. Giving a compliment can be very powerful when you say it directly, smoothly and sincerely. Pay attention. This helps in being timely in giving compliments. Waiting too long, lessens the affect. Point out something your partner has put a lot of effort into; something you wouldn't normally notice.

When you are the receiver of a compliment, simply say, "Thank you." It is so easy to thank your partner for a compliment, yet most of us are not very good at accepting compliments, and often answer compliments by selling ourselves short.

"Your haircut looks great."
"Oh no! My jerk barber cut it way too short! He ruined it!"

"I love your new dress!"
"This old rag? I bought this dress on sale at Wal-Mart four years ago."

These responses say a lot about how you feel about yourself. It basically rejects the compliment by saying "I really don't deserve it." It gives the gift back to the giver. When someone compliments you, don't squirm. Look them straight in the eye, smile, and just say, "Thank you."

Sincere compliments conjure up warm and fuzzy feelings. They help your partner to know you care and that you love them. They can put your relationship on fast forward.

Whatever you choose to say, say it like that you mean it. If your voice isn't congruent with the power of your compliment, it will reek with false praise.

Genuine compliments given freely by your partner reach a special place inside of you. They are a warm reminder of how special you are.

Suggestions:

admired their unselfishness
notice a job well done
acknowledge their sensitivity
appreciate their determination
point out their willingness to help
compliment positive personal qualities or extra efforts
express thanks for their kindness or thoughtfulness
congratulate their willingness to share responsibilities
be grateful for their patience with you
if it hadn't been for you (fill in the blank)

There is a difference between compliments and flattery. When your compliments are sincere and honest they are well received. When they are not, your comments can be viewed as flattery which are untrue or come across as insincere praise.

Love partners can spot a fake compliment a mile away. Flattery is usually received with negativity and is often perceived as being manipulative. Flattery also often suggests hidden motives. They make us suspicious and we begin to wonder if the person complimenting us has an ulterior motive.

The third-party compliment is always great. It is a sincere compliment about your partner that you tell someone else. How you speak about your partner to your friends has a lot to do with how your relationship becomes.

Never miss an opportunity for a compliment to pass.

Become your sweetheart's #1 fan.

Shower the one you love with love in the form of a sincere compliment and watch your relationship blossom.

Your comments are always welcome!

Time for a Baggage Check!

2005-01-03T01:00:00.000-07:00

This is a good time of year to do a "baggage check."

What do you hold on to that is hurtful and self-defeating? Do you worry about future events that may never happen? Are you holding on to grudges, resentments, hatred, prejudices? Do you agonize over losses? Do you keep reliving past hurts and disappointments? Is there someone you need to forgive? Are you always expecting the worse?

It's a new year! Time for a new beginning. I'm not suggesting you make a resolution, for to be resolute is to have a firmness of purpose, which for most doesn't last very long. Rather I am suggesting that you live in a continual process of resolving to find answers to all the negative questions that bounce around in your head and keep you from moving forward.

What is the best way to do this? The simple answer is to let go of what doesn't work. Release all the things that no longer serve you. Easier said then done, right? Anything worthwhile takes effort and a commitment to make the necessary behavioral changes. Without that, nothing changes!

My friend, Guy Finley once said, "Let go of all the familiar but useless rules of rigor that tell you life would be meaningless without running around in some kind of conflict. Stop referring to your own well-worn but useless wish that your life will get better the longer you play. It won't - unless we believe that feeling exhausted is the same as being exalted."

Letting go can be the first is a series of positive actions that can liberate you from your negative past and have you experience the joy of release. Freedom lies in letting go. The past is an energy drain. It saps your strength. Let go. If now, you can only imagine freedom, know and believe that you can attain it.

To "let go" takes Love. You must live Love. To "let go" is to acknowledge that which you cannot change, and pursue that which you can.

Have your "baggage check" be an opportunity to focus on taking responsibility for the choices you make regarding your thoughts and actions.

Additional resources:

Read, "An Affirmation for Letting Go." Go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/lettinggo.htm.

Read, "Let Go and Know Peace." Go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/guy7.htm.

Read, "The Secret of Letting Go." Go to: http://www.CelebrateLove.com/ljbs10.htm#finley.

Your comments are always welcome!