WeaWish

Healing Here...

2009-06-24T00:03:00.003+07:00

Setting: On the BTS Sukhumvit line on the way to work.
Time: Somewhere between 8.00 - 8.30 am.
Surrounding: Crowded of people.
Weather: Bright Sunny sky.
Mood: Calm & blur & lost (still)
Moment:

Suddenly, i managed to aware of my breathing this morning from 1 - 8 (yes, not yet managed to 10 and on the several attempts)
I do aware of some short moment of my shower, breakfast, on the BTS.
Just a bit by bit, my moment arises. The brighter sunshine did strike to me and hit me into my inner brain. I need to get a grip on myself. I tried.

Today, the feeling is better.
Life is still hard. No deny that.
But i do enjoy the sun and the sky today, even only short time of the morning. I'm glad and embracing that moment.
I tend to get the slightly spark back in my eyes.

The good thing is that once i tend to gain and heal myself a bit here,
I start to doubt, see and learn thing again.
What i have learned today is that how strange a person can be.
On how blind-fully sometime not notice that s/he is somehow alike the person that s/he hates the most.
It is truly on the eyes of the beholder indeed.
You never see who you are through your eyes and thought. Not even you have the mirror in front of you.
You will only see yourself through the eyes of the people who loves you the most.
Love & care you enough to say things that you don't want to hear or admit to yourself.

Here we are, living in this planet.
The puzzle of life and the livings.
Where people do what they do.
Believe in what they believe.
Talk what they talk. But not what they think.
Hear what they want to hear but speak what they don't want to hear to themselves.
Funny...
Ironically...

.... I am getting better.
No worries love.
I am still alive.
Still breathing here.

-----
xxx

Wake up Call!

2009-06-18T23:50:00.006+07:00

This is frightening me.
For what i have seen or experienced just now.
I went to the prostitution area here in southern part of my country.
Even though, i was told not to go there.
Even though, i was told of what it looks like.
Even though, i was not feeling or wanting to go.
I went.

It's unlike anything i have imagined it be like.
Calls me naive or optimistic, but i never think that this actually happens to another human being, esp. to these young girls.
It looks like a shack, crammed into the long house connected in many wooden rooms.
There are around 28-35 young girls calling out 'Daddy, Daddy u want me?'
I was afraid.
I could not look into the alley, just glance.
My brain did not function well.
I was ashamed.
I was so embarrassed.
I wish not to continue to walk nor see anything else.
But i got smack on my head with the saying 'Weaw, come on look up, walk in. Don't be embarrassed, this is your own country!'

Then, i got back to my senses (still shaking)
I walked into the alley, to see their living condition.
Not good, not good at all.
It is not considered as any living condition.
I was frozen.
I could not move.
Not to know where to look and where not to.
Scared. I was.
Scared of knowing how sick this world is.
Scared of the fact that i can't do any help for those young girls.

I could not utter any words.
Shocking i was.
Shaking i am still.
I'm glad i went there.
I know that i should not.
I know now that i need to be stronger (mentally and physically) to protect and fight for them.

.....
Morning ..
Woke up with the feeling still in me.
Woke up to face that this is what i actually saw with my own eyes.
As they said 'Seeing is Believing'
Now i feel it.
I know it's not to compare to what those girls are like.
At least, a single tiny bit of that already afraid me.
I need to be stronger (mentally and physically)
I know that i need to.

--------------

Worth sacrifice for?

2009-06-14T11:30:00.004+07:00

I just want to be good at my job, but how good that i can really be?
Once i have read the book, something similar to the saying that for ppl who want to be good, many seem not to up for the sacrifice for it.

From the longest weeks ever here, i wonder am i up for that, that sacrifice?
To sacrifice my beautiful bubble for the rotten truth in here.
To sacrifice my individual space for absorbing how unjust one person can get.
To sacrifice my ambition for the misunderstanding between being good and being liked of people around me.
To sacrifice my believe of 'Changing the world' for the politics in the workplace.
To sacrifice my energy for such irresponsible and lazy asses around me.
To sacrifice my happy sunshine smile for the cowardliness of a person who suppose to be the leader to up for his actions.
To sacrifice my enjoyment of life of every small things for such a two-three-faces around me.
To sacrifice my happiness, my laugh for the tired of being and surrounding myself with all these shits.

.......

I love who i am.
Many love ones of mine love who i am.
I like what i am doing.
I learn much, the good and the bad.
Even though it seems to be more toxic than ever.

Questions are:
Am i still love myself?
I am, i think i am.. not sure now.
Will i harm my love ones for what i am doing or putting myself into now?
I hope not... not sure now.

Not sure.
Not clear.
Not know.

----------

wHt you WanT?

2009-06-08T22:37:00.003+07:00

For what i believe, i should know what my feeling is and deal with it.
I should know the BAD seeds in me and not to water them.
So one way to know and i know is to let it OUT.
As i also believe the saying of
'GET MAD and then GET OVER IT!!'
For once the naive me, would like to believe that there are no people who do bad things intentionally. They just forget to think of the consequence or the harm that might occur to others for their actions.
I did think like that. for once i did.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They are there and not seem to move.
I know they are there. Not sure of they know that i know.
Confuse no. 1.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They come from the place i am in, from the people around me.
I know they are there, they know i am there, still we might not able to see ourselves.
Confuse no. 2.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
They come from one, from the one i do not see.
I don't know where s/he is, s/he knows i am here.
I know what i feel and who i am.
Not sure of s/he knows me or even thyself or not.
Confuse no. 3.

The bad seeds are in me, many of them.
I know they are here and i don't want to accept that it spreads out.
Innocent people are also in this vicious web.
I dont' like the feeling.
I am angry.
I know this seed.
I dont' like the feeling.

Confusion leads to depression along with the no way to run.
Not attempt to run, just pause.
I wonder will i can?
Can i be?
For now, i long of just myself... just that one. The naive me.

-----
There, Nelly goes....

Hey you, the one outside,
Are you ever gonna get in, get in
Hey you, the one that don’t fit in,
How ya, how ya gonna get in
Hey you, the one outside,
Are you ever gonna get in with your
Broken teeth, broken jaw, broken mojo
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Cuz this life is too short
To live it just for you
But when you feel so powerless
What are you gonna do
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want
Say what you want

----------------------------

~LonGiNg for iT~

2009-06-02T23:40:00.002+07:00

I was in the meeting on Sunday.
Surrounded with the familiar faces.
Listened to the things that i know well, good and not so good.
Said what i thought it might make things better, get appreciated.
Heard the suggestion and willingness to support with smile and sincere.
I felt good.

I was in the meeting on Monday.
Surrounded with the familiar faces. (different)
Listened to the things that i get to know better now, good and bad.
Heard too many excuses, blaming, defensing, scolding, being sarcasm, pin pointing...
Guilty faces, pushing things away, irresponsible, unfinished tasks, overloaded things.
Said what i thought it might make things differently for the hope of it might be better, get ignored, no attention, not listened.
I felt sad.

I was in 3 meetings today.
Surrounded with the unfamiliar faces. (blank)
Listened to the things that i thought i knew but i don't (blank)
Heard so many thought and ideas (blank)
I felt... (blank)

-----

Quite many people here and there said i am (now) sound like grown-up, being mature.
I wonder... if by
Accepting things as it is.
Getting used to the fact that i can't do everything and can't change things.
Admitting the reality and live in the real life.
Surrendering to the truth of 'That's life, you can't do anything about it'
Letting things go easily without trying my very best.
Then, i asked myself ...
do i want to be like that?
or
am i already that?

*sigh...

I miss it.
I miss the feeling of it.
Something that i used to have and now i am longing for it terribly.

The feeling of enjoy what i am doing.
The feeling of surrounding of the people who have the drive and the passion to shake the world.
The feeling of being in the team.
The feeling of having a team.
The feeling of the TEAM.
The positive feeling.
I long for it.
I miss it.
I miss it so bad.

-----

~Too maNy HatS in SG~

2009-05-17T22:40:00.002+07:00

Here i am at the Northest part of Thailand here, Mae Sai.
Last week i was in Singapore with my family. (short break)
Before that, i was in Siem Reap, Cambodia.
And the before before that, i was alone on my birthday at the border with Myanmar, Sangklaburi.
That is pretty much what happened to me since the relax and re-energize in china.

So, where should i start on this blog then?
Let's step back bit by bit.

It's nice to have time with my family in SG.
Drama here and there.
I was with Gut (so i am his nanny & playmate)
I was with my dad (so i am his caretaker & translator)
I was with my sis (so i am the peace maker with her hubby)
I was with myself (so i am a bit lost of what to do)
All in all, i think everyone is happy. (more or less)
We didn't go through everything but we did do something.
So that is nice to do from time to time i guess.
Daddy got to buy Gut the new Mr. Thomas.
Sis got to meet up with her old friend.
Gut got so many things and lots of fun in this trip.
My bro-in-law got to eat so many things and be amazed of the city.
I got tired but happy to be with my family, met up with friends, brought something for daddy and sis, tried on Singapore sling (still don't like it)
I guess that is pretty much nice time indeed.

---
xox

Easy Sat around the Lake ~

2009-04-18T12:06:00.002+07:00

With some series to talk and some to watch, we are up for the brunch then.
With the nice cooling breeze in the morning, surely the hot black Yunnan coffee is one pretty good choice.
Word from the host says that local coffee; Yunnan, seems to be pretty popular among foreigner but not the local. Similar to this is also in Laos as well. Just the small fact then.
Sitting outside in the cool breeze, sipping hot coffee with yummy bread with garlic butter. That's nice. With the pretending of Sex & the City but here is the version of 'No sex & another city' haha pretty fun and joy indeed.

Another nice part here is that i got to meet up with a dear friend for have not met for sometimes. Met and nice talk with P'Sui after several years.
There goes the 2nd cup of my coffee of the day then. 'Ginger-bread latte coffee'
One of our dear host favorite coffee shop and now mine then.

Easy Saturday nice walk around for the girls to enjoy their shopping.
Around the Jade lake, we walk along.
Update on lives, living condition around and what next for the future.
Seeing many old people have fun, relaxing by using the park as their living room.
I like seeing wrinkles on their happy jolly faces.
Wind breeze, live local performances, nice time with friends.
It's such a nice Saturday that i missed out for sometimes.
Much enjoy,

---
xox

April Holiday no. 1

2009-04-15T23:24:00.003+07:00

I know exactly what is good for myself.
To boost up the energy and the vibe to keep rocking on.
SATC with a good cup of coffee.
Besides that is just the good time spending with friends here and there.

At the very indeed moment of sneaking out of my mind and to seek for the hiding place, perfect timing arises here.
Long holiday with a bit of sneaking out.
As definition of destination for me is not the place but the people i will meet.
The very good new friend of mine, Miss. Mien.
So Kunming, China here then.

As usual of my fabulous traveling plan is to have no plan.
As usual as i am for almost the last minute booking flight (plus the giz of be on the wait list and flew with TG this time) haha
Also as usual of my dear country, the protest started one day before i departed.
Slipped out from Daddy of doesn't want me to fly out word.
With my attempt to pretend of didn't hear that. (not that good daughter of me then)
I told him that it's okay Daddy, i fly with TG, somehow i will land back to this motherland. No worries... (phewwwww.... rush off to the airport for me then)

Left the chaotic behind, i was up the air with the aim of relaxing, re-energizing and re-boosting my spirit.
Being greeting with the astonishing look of them at my t-shirt and short on the arrival.
Well, at first i thought of being attractive enough so that people start to look at me on the plane and at the airport.
Seem like that it's all the weather.
Kunming is up on the high place where the weather seems to be pretty nice and cool all the time.
'Pretty cold at night so better bring the light jacket' I should have thought that faster.
To get by the cool evening, we have 'Mushroom Hot Pot' as our dinner.
WV office in Kunming is surrounded with the Hot Pot. (similar in a way to the WV office in BKK that surrounded with the night club and dancing pub)
It must has been one of the criteria to look for the location then.
- It needs to be surrounded with something extremely.
haha just joking then.

So the first dinner is pretty interesting.
I've heard of this hotpot for several times from Mien.
It does lift up to the reputation.
It's the hotpot of the wild mushroom.
Even though it's not in the season so it's frozen, still the texture and the taste are pretty nice.
So the step goes like this
1) the mushroom goes in. Only the mushroom. Then it's up to the kinds that you chose for the minute that you have to wait them to be cooked.
Pretty fun to wait and see how hungry people need to be a little patient. Coz if you are being a little impatient, then you might be poisoned by the mushroom itself.
Again, thx to Mien for keeping the time or else Hang might not get back to Vietnam alive then. haha
2) the tofu and potato go in.
3) all the veggie.

Well, at this place is good service as the waitress/waiter will just keep on serve you. Not saying that it's the good serve but it's more of their duty to do it though.
More tea.... my cup is never empty.... More mushroom.... More tofu.... More greens.... my bowl is always full either you want it or not.
If you dont' want it, you just put it aside after they fill in your bowl. haha that's a good service i'm talking.

After that we arrived at KTV with a little drama from the taxi driver.
Poor Mien in listening to him though.
Kind of annoying of 'why these girls are so loud? Why are they laughing so loud or speak so loud? Other foreigner or Chinese are not loud like that!
OMG! i just want to scream out!! (luckily that i didn't)
Anyhow, with 4 beers and singing our lung off made that went away.

Original plan was to check out the local club but the crowd doesn't seem to able to keep the energy as high as I and Mien.
The question poped up as 'where do u get all the energy from?? And you just arrived!!'
haha... it's all there.
It's just that.

Off Head -

2009-04-07T21:43:00.006+07:00

As the tear drops from the sky tonight, my fear arises.

Dont' know why.

Not sure why.

The sharp pain strikes through this fresh meat of mine.

The feeling occurs.
In the middle of thunder and lightenings.

-- FEAR --
Lightening 1: Fear of losing live(s).
Lightening 2: Fear of losing control of oneself, mine.
Lightening 3: Fear of losing the ability to be true to oneself, mine.
Lightening 4: Fear of being who i (u) no longer know anymore.
Lightening 5: Fear of seeing the unfamiliar thing/flesh in the mirror.
Thunder 1: Fear of the thought that fly high and no sigh of return.
Lost ...
Lightening X: Gone ...

What am i?
What are you?
What's all that?
Absent minded.
What's so scare?
Why so?

Transforming me.

Don't get offended.
I'm just hiding.
Being absent minded.
Find me.
Being lose head.

What am i?
What are you?

Pls beautiful lightening ... pls be gone.
Left all the beautiful mess inside here.

-----

...zzzzzz

2009-04-02T23:17:00.002+07:00

--'Asleep'---, Angie [Hart]

I know who I’ll be
Don’t know if you see
I’ll start like a seed and I’ll grow like a tree
You’ll hang your love from my branches and leaves
Just watch me

When the bough breaks
Your baby will fall
You’ll sit by the phone and you’ll wait for my call
If I seem a little rattled
Just rock me

Out of all of the infinite things I could be
I’d like to believe that I’d like to believe
I’d love to believe I’m alive and I’m free
But I’m not
I’m asleep

I’m the person you’d be
If you ever were me
Perfection in construction a little incomplete
I get what I want and I want you to try and stop me

I’m a little disillusioned
I’m a little frail
Everything’s raw and it hurts to inhale
Maybe this is over and over with me
Or maybe this is just a different dream

---

Floating in the air.
Walking on the surface in my own thought.
Sinking in.
Not sure of what to think of.
No one to think of.
Let myself sink in.
Drifted mind.
Let it afloat.
There ...
here...
where...

confuse...
Gone ..
Try to enter the state of sleep
To be inactive
Feel nothing
Being numb.

Hope the night will end soon
and the sun will rise again.
energy is at low....
zzzzzzz........

---
xox

~juSt that!

2009-03-25T23:45:00.002+07:00

- - - - -

Some people say that i'm too open.
They say it's not good to let them know everything about me.
And they say one day they will use every little things against me.
But i don't mind maybe they're right.
That's just how it is and i got nothing to hide.

i live my life the way i want.
i got nothing to hide, nothing at all.
Life is not a fairy tale, they should know that life is real.
i live my life the way i want i got nothing to hide.
Nothing at all.
Life is not a fairy tale life they should know that life is real.
Life is real, yeah. Life is real.

A friend of mine gave me an advice..
He said be careful and think twice before you talk about your life.
Protect yourself just keep quiet.
The more they know the harder they try. To spoil your ways to spread lies and even though. I know he could be right i just said i..

i live my life the way i want i got nothing to hide nothing at all life is not a fairy tale they should know that life is real.
i live my life the way i want i got nothing to hide nothing at all life is not a
fairy tale life they should know that life is real.
LIFE IS REAL.

Me i be ayo ogunmakin fear no foe i am real from head to toe just like life is real and you should you.
Me i be ayo ogunmakin fear no foe i am real from head to toe like life is real and you should know.

- - - - - - -

My sis said that if you want something or someone to change, starts from yourself.
I don't need or expect anyone to change for me, then i'm not changing for any.
I will just for myself.
So DON'T ask me to change if you can't change yourself.
You should not ask what you can't handle.
And i know you wont' able to handle this.

Me, to be more open.
Me, to expect less.
Me, to stop at good and not strive for excellence.

Me i be i am, fear no foe i am real from head to toe.
And I live real and YOU should KNOW.

- - - - -

'deceitful'

2009-03-15T15:11:00.004+07:00

One by one we are getting in.
One blinds the others of the piece of lie that is created.
One is folding blinded in the own thought and deceive in romance.
In which of there might be some but none has shown out.
To be drawn and sucked in the delusion of one own creation.
Being kept in the bubble for a bit while.
Fresh, warm and calm while kept inside.
Trying very best to delude oneself.
It's not there.
That's just it.
Can't force as it's too fresh, real and individual.
Can't push as it's against the nature and willing.
Can't pull as there is nothing fall down and nothing to grab on.
The big piece of illusion one kept getting in.
Shrunken delusion of fragile bubble.
Blew off.
Too fresh and too real - hurts.
Blast all over.
Ache and pain.
The truth, the lost hope, reality, the doubt - gone.
What else can one do but just admit and accept?
Time needs to be spared.
Comfort needs to be provided.

Longing for that.
Longing for what fills in the air.
Longing for the warmth and kind.
Longing for the taste of those lips.
Longing for that...

Living in a delusion, try to face reality; then turn one into the other.

Get real?
Get lost?
Get over it?

...
xxx

Silver & Gold

2009-03-05T08:29:00.002+07:00

Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.

Along side the river view, peace and calm.
Here i am to embrace all charm.
Hectic lives and heavy thought.
Too bad with them i brought.

Easy breeze and still moment,
Found silver and missed the gold.
This is it the moment to live it.
So much relax that brought back the pain.
Can't help of missing the gold.
Moment sprung up.
Time on the walking back from the camp.
Time over the cup of hot coffee or the sip of wine.
Time in the swimming pool.
Time in front of SATC.

Make new friends, but keep the old;
Those are silver, these are gold.

--
xxx

~getTinG CraZy heRe~

2009-02-26T22:21:00.002+07:00

In this bright sunlight, i am locked in the red shade.
Wandering in the nowhere land.
Here i stand.
Step 1, step 2, step 3, stop.
Turn, nothing.
No one.
Dark. Only the sound of the heavy breeze that pressed in my ears.
Move, Stop, freeze, still.

Voices are every where.
Too noisy.
Too drama.
Too chaotic.
Seems like everyone is talking but no one can catch what is in the wind.
Words, assumptions, stories, drama, blame, confusion.
Unclear road ahead.
My question will be can u still see the road even though it's unclear?
If so, risk it.
Give yourself a chance to try to risk it.
Will i go for it?
That is my business not yours.
Either try to clear your road or just risk it.
Don't listen too much.
Don't talk too much.
Don't crate too much of assumptions.
Stay still.
Risk it.

Ask me no more.
Talk to me no more.
Stop the buzz.
It ain't any of my business.
Mind your own.
One needs to take care of oneself.
Not me.
Nor her.
Not him.
Nor them.

Heat is risen up.
People seize for something to cool down.
To cool the inside same as the outside.
The outside is easy.
Energy should be high but running opposite way.
Still.

The heat is striking through every molecules.
All gets burnt. Except me.
All gets drain out. Except me.
The Sun rises up the energy level high.
It's RED.
It's HOT.
It's FANTASTIC.
Again, abnormal i am.

They tend to
Too dry.
Too harsh.
Too sick!
Too sick of them, it is!

Step 3, step 2, step 1....
Turn, nothing.
Silence.
Bright light.
Eyes shut.
Smell the burnt.
Feel the flame.

Crazy Chaotic Summer has arrived.

...

The rotten vision of present

2009-02-18T22:24:00.007+07:00

Hard to describe what is in me here.

At capital in the cab, drifting into the neon light through darkness here.
The feeling flies back.
Everything seems to be too fast.
On the turbo jet.
As higher expectation comes higher perfection, old habit dies hard. I say.
Still, the crack that ready to break apart is still not so ever can.
Not the outside.
It's eating inside here.

You are here aiming for what you convinced to yourself by yourself of what matters to oneself. I don't know what is much worst, to convince the others or to convince your own self.

There, not that far from you, I see lives that hunger for necessities to survive.
To live. To get pass the day of fear and question of will there be sunlight on them tomorrow.
It's not as in the lyric, not as in any written forms.
It's just there. Lives! Living creatures there.
The dryness of the drought can't compare to the thirst of living.
They are struggling to survive.
At one point, i do feel that.
At one point, butterflies are all in my stomach.
At one point, everything hurls up inside, dying to burst out.
Too dry, too mess-up, too risky, too sick!

Here you are aiming for what matters in life.
You are lucky if you are still aiming and you have still some matters to your life.

and the song goes...
'Yael Naim - Far Far'

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
oh oh oh oh

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something good to happen to her
from time to time there are colors and shapes
dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
they invent her a new world with
oil skies and aquarel rivers
but don't you run away already
please don't go oh oh

And the she sings..
'How can you stay outside when there is the pitiful mess inside?'

....
xox

~25 Random Facts 'bout me~

2009-02-01T11:12:00.007+07:00

Rules:

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.
At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you. you are obviously exempt if you have already posted.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

Here it goes...

1. I'm generating & running on the solar-powered. When the sun goes down it's the same time as my battery fully charged for the night.

2. Bright color is my favorite: Red, Pink, Orange...

3. Convinced by Clark Kent, people who wear glasses seem to be smarter and without seems to be hunkier!

4. It's easier to smile than cry. And the sweetest sound ever is the laugh and smile.

5. Like a duck i am, can walk (English) but not pretty, can swim (Chinese) but not well, can fly (French) but not high.

6. I tend to believe and practice Narcissusism & Individualism.

7. Beside my diary, i have one blog of my own and one blog of my nephew. (feel free to be his fan here.)

8. Just can't help to say 'Left-handed' out loud when i see one. It's just so fascinate of the way and direction of letter they write. How their minds go and around.

9. With 7 continents, i have only been to 3. 4 more to go!!

10. Most of my dear friends are not near to me. That's why 4 more continents to visit!

11. Can't do the gossip as it requires soft voice. I can't do whisper nor have soft voice therefore i don't do gossip.

12. I read everything! From the book, blog, road sign, magazine, menu, at the back-front-side of all kind of product.

13. My first child will have 2 siblings.

14. Let me introduce you to Janna & Macy. (my MacBook & My CR-V) Yes, i name some of my belongings.

15. Cooking for the love ones is the sexiest activities ever!

16. I am considered to be romantic person. And i do can cook! (relevant?)

17. Talking is my kind of thing. Talking rubbish is my expertize.

18. I like my man as my coffee: Hot, Strong and Bitter-Sweet. Now i have my coffee, where is thy man?

19. I am the good deed doer.

20. I don't seem problem, i see challenge.

21. The way i walk tend to intimidate quite a few people. (esp. with my high heel)

22. Was mistaken of being, Mongolian, Korean, Singaporean, Jamaican, Indian, Chinese-born American, Malaysian, Australian, Japanese, Taiwanese but never once as Thai. Never! Oh and being mistaken as being a boy as well.

23. Red is my drink color. Pretty much into red wine & cosmopolitan @ Red sky for now.

24. I like seeing old people enjoy their life. To see old couple dance, to hold hands, to walk in the park, to shop in the mall, with their smiles and joy. Just pretty beautiful picture.

25. I am (still) afraid of commitment. I am (still) trying to overcome it. Start with the career last year. Now this year, let's try the relationship then, shall we? Okay, application is now open, people spread out the news!

Once you have read 'til here. It would be nice to give yourself a time to write and share your '25 random facts about me' You will surely enjoy as i do.

Thanks Air for this. Much enjoy and like it.

--
xox

~thE preTendiNg mE!

2009-01-25T02:32:00.002+07:00

"What is it in us that makes us feel the need to keep pretending?"

The pretty-confusing me as always had pretty interesting conversation yesterday.
Just keeps sinking in my head from time to time.
I know that it's there but never pay the attention to it that much.
But surely did keep running in my head from there since.
So ... from 'The Random Thought' pads on the back on that side again.
And here how it goes..

People like me seem to think that pretending is ugly and demeaning.
It used to make me feel small and worthless. Over time I learned to hide my pain. You wouldn't have known the shame that I felt because it lay beneath my mask. But it was there, always close to the surface, hidden but always there.

Then it becomes a part of me now.
It was part of what shaped and molded me.
Shame and anger, dust, dirt and despair.
The fear of not fitting in and the fear that maybe I would fit in, but not with the people I wanted to.
Where did I belong...no where and to no one.
That is how I felt and how I was caught into the art of pretending.

The art of pretending was my security blanket and my curse. The art of pretending might have helped get me in the door, but will it ever fix the pain?

Still, over the years I gained a thicker skin or maybe it is a thicker head.
It's just me to decide for myself which way it went.

The conversation ends with the bright light from the dance floor spot on me, facing it with my very big smile and relief. Such a feeling of believe in and lighter head to fit in the saying of 'It's not wrong to pretending' 'It's just one of the way life is'
But sometimes you gotto let yourself be.

Still with this blank head of mine.

---
xox

~aMonG thE cRowD..

2009-01-24T09:59:00.005+07:00

Again when you just sit still,
Lower down your guard,
It found you!
Bull-eyes!
Can't run.
Cant' hide.

Not sure of where you are.
Not sure of which way to head.
Your consciousness is not to be found..
nor ever exist there then.
Confusion arises.
In the lightness of the air, it floats away.
Sitting here, seeing it there.
Not far of sight nor close the range.
Still no movement.
"Do you want it back?"
Do I still want it?
Do you? Do I?
No attempt to decide, to move.
Let it flow.
Lost the focus.
It's all blur.
Just that.

I am the loner among the crowd.
Is it fake?
I don't know.
Is it real?
I can't say.
I am just that.
The loner among the crowd.
That's i am.
That is just it.

---

~Under the bright spotligh..

2009-01-04T22:55:00.003+07:00

Entering the year with the bright of light.
So bright you can't even see things ahead of you.
Not even you've tried.
They are floating here and there.
Invisible to the eyes and mind.
Nothing to be found.
It's all empty.
The road is empty.
The seat across me is empty.
Both of my hands is empty.
There is nothing ahead, aside and behind.
My head is floating to nowhere land.
There is no one there.
It's too crowded, no one is there anymore.
A hollow place in this solid body is empty.
As much i think i can fill it in, it just keeps being drawn into that dark spot inside.
It's just empty.
Drifted mind keeps moving freely, no chain, no attach, floating...
No destination nor the origin.
No action, no reaction, it all stays still.
In this deep hollow of my heart & mind.
Don't come too near.
Neither go too far.
The lost of untimate answer.
At the spot of undefined results.
No one is watching.
No one is holding.
Nothing to grasp.
Nothing to release.
Just empty.
Just still.
It's just like that.
The beginning of the light.
Too bright.
Too big.
Too empty.
Just that.

....

~mY camBoDia xP...

2008-12-21T09:21:00.003+07:00

I was in Cambodia regards the work last week.
I was in the meeting.
I was there trying to my very best to practice 'Self-Control' as i am told it's one of the seven things that you should be practiced one a day. The rest of 6 doesn't really hit to me but this one.
So i tried. Believe me i was trying. (please notice the past tense!)
It does not seem to be that well though.
In most of the Hollywood movies say ...
'Some girls are not meant to be in the corner'
or
'Some girls just born to be under the spotlight all-the-time'
I just can't help it.
You know that at some point i just feel like i would like to have the courage to just keep myself low profile. (come to think of it, what the heck i was thinking!"
Refer to my previous post, i dont' think that i can lower my standard.
Surely it does not mean that i can't. It's just I don't want to.

Wiki says that it is known as natural phenomena and it can be transformed into another form, but the total level always remains the same. Wiki is talking about 'Energy'
Lately i have been told and asked many times of where does my energy come from?
And so many times i am called 'Energizer rabbit'
The words seem to be repeated and repeated several times.
It might have been there for long but i have not noticed it.
Not until i almost ran out of one...
I guess the source of my energy is from YOU.
From the people around me, near and far.
So i will just give it one more try.
To challenge myself to get the better energy to circulate around me.
To try to make the balance as well. (as my friend suggested that, Thx)
I will try.

On another part of energy that i felt so strong and much appreciate.
I have a chance to meet up with the AIESEC Expansion in Cambodia.
Super nice, energetic, passionate and bright people. It is just the moment for me to appreciate even more of how lucky i was (am) to know and be in this organization.
I guess it's true as well that you never know or realize things unless you have experienced it by yourself. Once you see the energy, the effort and their craziness in trying to do something different in the totally different extreme country as Cambodia.
I was fired up with the flame of passion and creativity and positive in their work. Jan, Jess, Dan & Krissy, Keeps your spirit high i am all with you there.

Sneak Peak of my Phnom Pehn XP to me.
- 4 whole days in the meeting (no parties!)
- Drain out my battery everyday while i was in the meeting
- Got burned from the sun light strike through my skin.
- Tears drop with no hug at the Genocide museum. (despite the fact that i know i will, i still get myself into it. Y Y Y Y i have to be that crazy?)
- Shopping shopping & shopping (again, do you think that i will miss that out?)
- Got to know and have good times with new friends. (my favorite part of all!)
- Outdoor free MTVEXIT concert of Cambodia bands with no ticket and stood there for more than 2 hrs for one US band.
- Had pretty bad 'Lucky burger' as the first one in the year. (surely the last time burger for me too!)
- Discover of how many children selling copied-books on the street that actually earn more than me on the daily basis!
- Found pretty nice coffee shop (Java Cafe') one place that you should stop and indulge in. ah.. a nice sip of the Red-eye.
- So many of the value things. Resto & bakery for orphanage. Resto & shop for FRIEND, and many more!
- Found the Moldova cocktail there. (fyi, i dont' think in MD, ppl do fancy of cocktail though) and got into Cosmopolitan in ORANGE! I know i know Carry and the girls will definitely angry with me on this. Sorry girls.

That's pretty much for now.

Still on the solar power charging here.
(but i think my solar cell just burnt out from the super sunlight from Cambodia)

Stay tune for more craziness on this festive time of the year.

--
xxx

~qUiZ tiMe~

2008-12-07T23:51:00.003+07:00

Question:
"Will you lower your perfection down so you wont' hurt so much when you fall?'

I can't seem to be able to find the answer here.
One side, you can't be perfect in this imperfect world. (i thought i could, once i landed in the real world then i got that answer)
Another side, why do you do so?
Why do you still put yourself into that position that in order to be perfect you need to put more than 150% of yourself into it.
Is it just because you will feel better off doing so.
For me that is only physically, on mentally is another story.
YOU know that you can BE better.
YOU know that you can DO better.
But it's just too tiring!!!
Why is that so?
Why is this reality exist?

I am in this exam room with nothing in my brain but blank.
It seems to happen quite often here.

Question:
"Will you risk going in the game where there is quite challenging competition?"

Professional wise answer: YES
Personal wise answer: NO
It is just like that for me.
When it comes to the personal issue.
I am just in this insecure cube that fragile that need to handle with care.
It might be true that getting older you dont' only gain ages but more chicken as well.
.....*sigh........

Too many question here.....
Where will thy and my answer be??

--
xox

~Hey Bob~

2008-11-23T10:01:00.005+07:00

Dear SpongeBob,

You don't know me, frank to speak neither do i.
However the reason for this mail is that I have been told from good friend that i am somewhere somehow like you. Not speaking of the same yellowish you have and what i am called in some part of the world that we are alike, it's about how the nature of yourself functioning.

Good friend said that I do just absorb things around me.
I am always be able to send out as much energy that i have kept in me for the past 20+ years of time. For places and friends that i went and knew, one thing that mark my existence is the energy. The entire room just easily lighted up or warm up, just like that. It was that for quite a while, the big one. Then here it just went dry on me. Without any beeping sound.

On the past weeks, what i have encountered in my life is the feeling of how your cell phone battery is losing power. It just likes you are lost in the deep jungle with your one last tiny bit of the battery. It is the moment of last best breath to help you connect with the society outside. Then it just got switched off.
Silence... Nothing move... Nothing show..
Truth to be told, i couldn't even smile nor laugh.
That's strange, weird and scary.
I don't feel like even want to be with myself.
That's freaking scary, Bob.

So SpongeBob, as jolly as we are. At that point of mine, it ain't feel any fun at all. Friend said that is me absorbing. I seem to agree with that though.
He said if the environment around you is so toxic that screw your mind, i should just change it. It doesn't mean that i have not tried. It's just still the big challenge you know, Bob. Have you ever go on bowling? It is just like that for me. If i am competing with the good one, my score can go up till 150 or more. Competitive girl you are talking here. But seems like i'm not in that skill-fulled team at all. Each day just sucks out more and more energy out. It's draining out here. My head is getting heavier and heavier. My body seems like i am in the final round of Amazing race show! It is just mentally and physically hurt.

For not knowing me at all, Bob. I have to tell you it is the first time ever in my life. I never know that any kind of activity or normal calls it 'work' can really make i be like this. This ain't good. I gotta tell you.

Faster i need to get back.
I am recharging here.
still III.... ...% and charging...

So don't be stranger or stop like me if i'm slightly weird here.
It is still me. I hope that it is just still me though.

On this personal note, Bob.
Even from this so tiring moment, on another side of the world there is a sweet friend who reminds me that it's gonna be one year that we have met. It just seems like we know each other for too long and surely the distance doesn't keep us apart. It surely steal one glance of sunny smile to my face. Thanks Eugen. Really sweet of you to say that. love love,

So see you around Bob.
--
xxx

at lll....2-3%~

2008-11-22T22:01:00.003+07:00

Here at the stage of recharging myself & facing letting go issue.
still...... in the process though.
Anyhow, something just sneak into my head and trying to get cut in the line, interesting though.

As same as pop-up card can surprise you, this question also.
How smart the person need to be, to be able to take care of you?
If you are notice or known as smart and clever, the one who can or should be taking care of you or being your partner, has to be the one smarter than you?
Then it would be just that hard or super hard for someone who consider oneself as clever, confident and independent.
Will there be anyone who fit that profile for that someone?
That answer is too clear and blur at the same time.
Then comes my kind of opinion.
If that one seems to be clever, smart and confident plus all of that will s/he need that same quality? Why?
For me that sounds boring.
Back to several years back that i was asked in the MCP election, how will you feel if there is 2 of you? The answer at that time was great.
Seem likes it wont' work this time though.
When that someone already plays those role, again why s/he would like to have another one to play that?
Not for me though.
So the answer in sms goes like this...
'I dont' need any smart or clever guy to take care of me. Just needs to handle with Care. Just that'

With all that run and still running in my head, it help me to recharging myself back in a way though.

ps. can't help thinking is that the hint question or just the random question comes with the cool breeze that makes u long for the cuddle and hug these days in BKK?
(In the stage of want to get answer and not at the same time)

Hugs me, the weather is cooling here.
--
xox

~For the chance never comes~

2008-11-10T23:59:00.005+07:00

My feeling now is filled with grief and anger.
I have lost the opportunity to learn and meet with one of the great man.
The one that i wish to be able to talk, share, ask, impress and be impressed by.

He who now lost forever.
He who chose to take his own life.
He who never let me any chance to know him.
I know not what should i feel.
I know not exactly what should i do.
It's all blank...
White....
Too bright that does not allow your eyes to see nor does your heart.
Too bright that makes the tear rolls down.

I know not what to do.
For he who was my responsibility is now gone.
For he who could clear all the doubt that i have in mind.
For he who got me excited of meeting and plan of impressing him.
For he who would be one of the best mentor i long for.
For he who now gone forever.

That's the grief, here is the anger.

One of dear friend said that it always good to know what is your emotion is at.
It is in me now the anger seed.
The one that i try not to spread out. Still needs to control it.
I could not believe!!
Could not at all what i have heard from the leader of my org.
For the saying that i feel cut by knife is better.
I wonder how can someone be so inconsiderate sitting in the chair of leader of charity org and said such horrible thing.
No one has the right to anyone like that !
It's just furious!!
The anger is still here. At least i know.
The grief is still here. For sure i know.

Anyhow, be with you God. Protect him well.
K. Jonathan, for the man that i admire and respect.
You are now where you chose to be.

With all my respect.
--

~Good HuNtinG daY~

2008-11-03T06:52:00.003+07:00

My dear told me not to be upset over my expectation over the event here.
Just only that my friends can't come for one night event, can't compare to the catching up throughout the years that we have.
True! Actually the not-so-upset feeling sunk in a big while after that.
The first thing that came to my head of course, how can i shake this feeling out? Not to spoil my lovely shiny Sunday?
There is only one answer there. SHOPPING!

So i went out on the hunt.
To hunt the anger and upset of my head.
Also for once i need to spoil myself with materialistic things. (it's been a while)
So, i got quite interesting day with my sister. (it's also been a while to shop with her)
Well, if you have a chance try to go out shopping with one girl who works in the super high-end corporate with good paying and another girl who works for the foundation that feel happy if she can get into the free buses home. haha it's indeed interesting.
So, to get over my upset, i did pretty good though.
Got myself, one fancy top, one dress, one belt.
To have Japanese lunch and Vietnamese dinner. (fancy!)

The hunting was good.
I got several.
Still, can't help think of how great would it be if my dear can make it to the event this sat.
Cant' help not thinking that.
But i do understand.
Trust me, i do.

Love & miss,
--
xxx