Dr Marky Mark's Blog

A Very Vegas Halloween

2009-11-02T18:30:00.017Z

I can’t see, I can barely hear. Have the clocks gone back in Nevada to join the rest of the World? Is it 4 am or 3 am? Does it matter?

Most storm troopers don’t have a persistent cough, but tonight this one does.

As I flex my patellas which are roughly being bruised by reinforced heavy white plastic trying to walk through the Hard Rock Hotel, I can hear people asking for photos with me. It is exactly how a celebrity must feel except I am just a faceless British Doctor inside a Star Wars Halloween costume. (A boyhood fantasy if ever there was one, and where better to experience a fantasy than Vegas.)

“Erm yeah can you put the mask on please?” She asks politely.

I don the white helmet and I am blind again, I feel her arm around me and can barely make out a flash through the 2 visor screens in the helmet. All I can make out are large silicone implants flashing through my visor as groups of girls dressed as maids, snow white or simply just wearing lingerie walk past.

“Thanks so much, awesome costume.” She says.

Yet it’s great fun, I am in Vegas with my 2 friends from medical school, except we are running on empty. 2 hours sleep a night, if that and I have not eaten a full meal in 4 days a result of a timely diminished appetite from a shift in my circadian rhythm.

My body displays its unhappiness with my brains actions upon it. My lungs are irritated by rhinorrhea. My eyes are dark from lack of sleep.

We walk past the Poker Room, there she is my friend the gatekeeper of the room, Lexi.

I take my helmet off and cool off for a second and get a hug, I could fall asleep in her embrace right now I am so tired. She is dressed as “Officer Naughty” and she is at work, when she finishes work I will find her playing at the very poker tables she manages, head almost slumped over the felt.

This girl can sleep through anything, the other night she passed out in our room after ordering room service. No amount of times we dangled slices of pizza over her mouth would wake her. Vegas chews everyone up and spits those with addictive personalities out.

I walk into the “Joint” for a Halloween party, two old men approach me that are actually quite scary but only because I know that they are actually cute girls, Jeanette and Sara are underneath so it is sort of freaky that they can look so authentically kyphotic.

I ask around for Matthew but he is smarter than everyone else and has decided not to attend, a quiet night in Vegas is just what I need now myself but with Battle Cat, renamed Bengali Cat (Mash) sleep is not on the agenda.

“But it’s my bachelor party!” He tells us every night. He only knows it is his Bachelor party because I decided it would be a good time to do it seeing as we are all here in Vegas.

Whenever we suggest a night off from the clubs and parties he uses this line on us. Mary Shelley would turn in her grave. But we love him.

The death star blown to bits I return to my room, and peel off the outfit, it is 7 am and the light filters into the bedroom. We are all sharing a room now, Nadir is snoring away and I climb into the hard rock bed my eyes struggle to stay open and before I know it..

“What time is it?” Nadir is not happy to have been woken by the sound of a keyboard being tapped to death. Bengali cat is emailing his fiancée. It would be cute if it were not approximately occurring 100 minutes after lights out.

I look at my watch. “MASH!!!”

It’s 9 am.

I look at Nadir, he looks back at me.

“Are we entering the 1 pm tournament?” I ask expecting an all round fold.

Surprisingly we are all up for it. We flick on the TV, where the “news” channel informs us of the latest goings on of some pseudo celebs called Jon and Kate Gosslin. It is no wonder that only 20 percent of Americans own passports if this is what they watch on CNN.

“Rehab breakfast at Luckys?” The Bengali Cat is hungry.

The rest of the day is relaxed I cash for the third time in a poker tournament, my favourite dealer is working, things are good, the Sun moves Westwards in the sky till it disappears behind the mountains providing a wonderful desert red glow.

My iphone vibrates like an epileptic at a strobe lighting convention. Text inbound…..
“Sarah wants to combine forces tonight the Bachelorette party and the Bachelor Party are going to Tao, book that table!” TEXT RECEIVED FROM EM.

And several hours later there we are, Emily, Sarah the bachelorette and her entourage.

Bengali Cat the bachelor and his entourage.

Can I be Vince please or at the very least Drama I don’t want to be E or Turtle.

Our hostess, Teresa, is really sweet and much better than the one we had last time at Tao,she is Native American and just super hot but smart too. Teresa recommends drinks and stays with us pouring them out for everyone, she is a dream. The whole night is a dream. DJ Reach is MC and the tunes are absolutely perfect, every top 20 smash international pop hit in the last 5 years mixed stunningly. Everyone in costume, transformers walk about aimlessly, I guess the decepticons went to XS tonight. Just kidding.

Sarah and Emily are drinking the vodka like it might be taken away from them at any minute, we order champagne, and another bottle of vodka. Nadir looks at me and we are both thinking the same thing.

Bengali Cat is oblivious and just tells me to put it “on his tab.” We are only half way through the night.

Emily is looking worse for wear and is not long for this world. This world of Tao. Sure enough by 2 am she is outside puking into a trashcan. A former employee herself of the Venetian she’s now being asked to leave the premises.

I wasn’t sure if they were joking with us, they said they were nurses and we said we were doctors. But we really were doctors. Tonight we were dressed in scrubs covered in blood. Could they also really be nurses? I guess so.

Christina had Alice Cooper eye lashes and a black choker around her neck with leopard print gloves on, she was not like any nurse I had ever met in London. But this is Vegas and this is Tao, of course the Californian girls of men’s dreams, Ashlee and Christina could be for real. I pinched them and then myself, yup definitely real.

“Like the steak you know?”

DJ Reach pumped out Fergie’s “London Bridge” my favourite tune of a few years ago. I could not understand what she was saying.

“As in Porter house!” She yelled over the music.

“What? Your name is Stackhouse - Like Suki Stackhouse!?” I joked. She did not hear it anyway.

“NO PORTER!!!” I heard her this time. I committed it to memory and took another beer from the bucket.

We were on the tables now all dancing and fist pumping each other like American meatheads do by the pool. I am too old to be doing this - a voice in my head tells me.
Another voice tells that voice to fuck off. Luckily as a psychiatrist I know how to suppress both.

It is 4 am, I am having the best night since my Sister’s wedding.

“Right bitches, time to cash out.” Nadir said to the Cat and I.

We looked at him in horror.

With an hour till closing time we let him have his way and asked Miss Stygar for the cheque. We were sad to leave our new friends, the good tunes, the beautiful hostess but with the powers of the internet we all said we would stay in touch.

Day 7 was over, the holiday was pretty much over.

As my ocular muscles give up the fight to hold up my eyelids, I pass out.

I awoke a few hours later and the first thing I see is the Bengali Cat dancing in front of the mirror dressed in nothing but his underwear and my storm trooper helmet.

Yeah that’s what you get for waking up in Vegas, the best holiday EVER.

Are you F*&^ing kidding me!? Oh well Spain in 3 weeks!

2009-07-01T19:05:00.008+01:00

Ok so I am quite aggravated about a few things at the moment. This must be a reaction to not having been to Vegas in oh what at least a week, I miss Sushi Samba with J, hearing about wood floor installations from Emily, and being surrounded by wannabes at Rehab as Matt and I look on in amazement.

Anyway this London bloke is wondering.....

"The heatwave plan alert is in four stages, with green level one signalling summer preparedness and long-term planning. Level two is amber and signals alert and readiness", while three is red for heatwave action.

Level four is classed as red emergency."

Are you kidding me? Just what is going on, why do we need stage alerts for hot weather, sure I know the sun in London is rare but let's celebrate it not develop a pseudo-terror alert style grading system! And you know someone got paid to consult on this.

Talking of pay days for crap, how much did Megan Fox get to compete with a tree for most wooden in Transformers 2? I would not really be able to tell you the full plot as I walked out of the Premiere. Yes, that is correct, not just the movie but the Premiere that is how much this film sucked. And I had every reason to stay, Nadir and Kiran - all the way from Arizona were by my side.

Even my date for the evening who made those little retarded droid things that bounced around look like HAL 9000 realised that the movie was truly terrible.

In fact the only enjoyable part of the evening was telling her when she told me that "No man has ever not wanted to take me on a second date" that I was glad I could have been part of a first in her life.

Huge boobs only get you so far in life. Jez would probably disagree on that one.

Hmm in other news, I have been pretty good at trying to keep somewhat in shape for the Summer as in I don't want to compete with the inflatable pool toy Shamu for bed time with my bro Mash.

The gym is a sweaty nightmare and after half an hour the machine tells me I have burnt only a few hundred calories, I then look at one candy bar at work that I brought in for my quiz I do for the kids and it is about 400 calories, about 20 percent of your daily recommended allowance.

I eat it anyway.

Don't worry I had more for the little ones. :)

One great thing we did was go to Biggin Hill Air Show (see it under my videos) but after just an hour, Nadir , Suha and Jez all looked at each other as we sat on the grass and I am pretty sure they were thinking the same as me, who the HELL can do this sitting in a field thing for 4 days over Glastonbury !

Weird, give me my TV, a drink in one hand and the option of passing out on my comfortable bed. Yup I am not getting old, I am there already.

Nevermind good things hopefully await.

Alice Cooper is touring in December, and MENORCA summer holiday in 3 weeks. Meital, Susan, Kerri, Dawn, Jeremy, Nadir, Mash, Jenna, Maninder, Was, Jodie and Daisy see you soon!

Oh and did I mention the new doctor jobs do not start until October , 2 months off. :)

Vegas Part 2

2009-06-11T22:35:00.006+01:00

"You are going back to vegas?" They looked at me as if I was the patient not the doctor. "Don't you want to go somewhere else? Vietnam? Thailand? South America even!"

"No."

Whilst it is true my last trip was just 2 months ago there was unfinished business to be taken care of.

Sadly Nadir and Mash, 2 fellow Vegas afficiandos would not be joining me this time.

Both were engaged at this time. More specifically one to his girlfriend and one to his love of cruises.

"You are a very brave man," the cab driver said as he drove me towards Victoria station. I had hoped he would see the white ipod headphones in my ears but if he did he was taking no notice.

"And why's that?" I turned down the volume.

"Did you see the Air France thing the other day?"

"Yes I did, absolutely awful."

"YES! And you are seriously going to the airport after THAT!?" He looked at me in amazement in his rear view mirror.

Oh Lord here we go.

"Well statistically flying is still very safe."

"Rubbish! Are you a gambling man my friend?" I was not going to tell him my destination was vegas. But I was relieved that he had changed the subject.

"Not really."

"Well if you are flying today you are gambling with your life! Do you know why planes fly at 30,000 feet?" Nor was I going to tell him I am a qualified commercial pilot.

"Tell me" I said involuntarily shaking my head.

"Well you see they fly at that height because things go wrong so often that it's a sensible height so that they can glide into most airports for when the engines explode!"

"Righttttt." I sighed.

A few hours later I was crusing over the Continental U.S. watching some of the UK Apprentice that i had missed, the contestants really were extraordinarily bad.

"I bring ignorance to the table."

Yeah remind me to use that corker in my medical ARCP review in July. I was glad to be leaving the country for a week.

A few hours after the 747s wheels touched down on the long tarmac at McCarran airport, and after 2 aborted takeoffs last time with Jenna, we finally met up and went to the new Rare 120 in the Hard Rock, it was a really fun night with really good food and always fun to watch the TPT that incorporates the Hard Rock circle bar. Crazy thing about that restaurant is the waitresses wear small skirts with lingerie, it was like ok is this dinner or a strip club, i guess it is both in a way. Very vegas. Very distracting.

Anyway so Jenna tells me about her time working at Tao and such uber cool pools/restaurants/clubs etc! She goes on to shock me by telling me that the waitresses get weighed weekly. Bare in mind this is not a hospital, not an eating disorders unit, but a commercial venue. She qualifies it by saying, "Oh only the model waitresses get weighed not the normal ones."

To her this did not seem totally outrageous and I imagine if you are living in Vegas full time you adjust to anything, a bit like when I was a vascular surgeon as a junior doctor, I amputated a man's leg threw it in the clinical waste and went and had lunch. You really can become used to anything.

Moving on - the weather was crazy hot, the poker was providing cash and entertainment, the hard part was sleeping this trip, there is no sleeping at the HRH pool where they blast crap like "Nickelback" at 100 decibels. I wrote on my comments card they should have an area just to chill, I can imagine that comment card is winding its way to the nearest Vegas recycling yard as I type this.

I got to hang out with Matt, a cool guy from Florida that I met last trip, we played some poker together and had a funny afternoon in "Pink taco" (yeah don't) a mexican restaurant. The mexican food in there was amazing, although you can only imagine how calorific it is, not to sound like a girl but they asked if i wanted "fried icecream for dessert!"

Anyhow we found ourselves sitting next to 2 girls at the bar who were playing video black jack and playing with their faux diamond encrusted iphones. Lame!

"So I am Matt and this is Mark, what are your names?" Matt asked them.

"Guess!" One of them squeaked.

"Ok, what does it begin with?"

"A"

"Amanda?"

"No"

"Alice?"

"No! I will give you a clue. It is a season."

"Autumn?!"

"Yes it is Autumn!" She giggled.

Matt and I looked at each other - hookers for sure. I went back to sipping on my corona and we said our goodbyes.

On my last night I watched the Lakers kill the Magic whilst playing poker, my friends and I had a small wager on the Lakers and we won a fair bit so i bought my new friends at the table a drink each, baring in mind each drink in the casino were only a dollar I'm not sure why they kept telling me I was a "gentleman and a scholar."

I looked up the origin and the American Urban dictionary.com assures me that (and i quote directly from the site) "it's the highest compliment you can pay someone, equivalent to you have kind eyes and a beautiful soul but no where near as gay."

Emily and I got to hang out which was great as we have been friends for 2 years now.

I booked Tao for dinner, one of the best places in Las Vegas, and when we walked in, Emily looking stunning in a black small cocktail dress, they handed us a stupid remote vibrating buzzer thing to let us know when the table was ready.

I turned to the Maitre'D and said "Oh wow I did not know I booked TGI Fridays!"

Funnily enough after that it took them a long time to bother to seat us. Hilarious. He was not impressed.

I got drunk, Emily got "buzzed" whatever she meant by that and told me stories of wood floors and roof tops.

I did not do any flying this trip and I would NOT recommend spending almost 2 weeks in vegas. They say that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, I read something quite apt in someone's column in the Vegas newspaper, it countered "the things that stay in vegas are your cash and your dignity." So true.

Having said that I want to go back for my birthday at the beginning of October and this time Sergio, Jas and Julie you are bloody well coming! Hawker jet and all.

Vegas Part 1

2009-04-15T23:32:00.008+01:00

"Ladies and Gentleman, Good Morning and welcome to London's Gatwick Airport the temperature is 11 degrees, we remind you to please remain seated until the Captain has turned off the fasten seatbelt sign."

The now fuel depleted 747-400 Vegas Special Chav Edition (without premium economy refurb or power outlets for laptops) speedily taxis to gate 24.

Purple neon light eminates from the cieling, I ponder if I am staring at a Hard Rock Hotel towel? That was the last purple thing I saw in Vegas. I can barely stand up. I was taking absolutely no chances this flight home with work the next morning. I decided the best course of action was to abuse my medical degree.

No fewer than 2 different hypnotic medications were digested within 10 minutes of departure from McCarran airport in the Nevada desert and now I was unsteady on my feet as i reached for my carry on BUT I had slept the entire 10 hours. Or at least I think i slept it was hard to tell these pills cause amnesia, I could have been awake for 10 hours and now just could not remember. Either way I was in a bad mood to be home in London after 10 days of what can only be described as heaven.

The stewardess irritated me further - "We know you have a choice in your travels and we thank you for choosing Virgin Atlantic."

Really a choice? Who else flies direct to Vegas? Hmm that would be nobody.

The cold iphone had not been touched in a while, it took some time to power up. Contacts. Recent. Nadir. Dial. Photo of Nadir eating Boa Steak pops up on screen. Dialing. I hear Nadir.

"Yo Steve Wynn AKA Dr Sharawi I am home, how you doing?" I joked.

"Hey welcome home, I miss vegas bad and I have a flat tire, the consultant is going to have my ass!" Nadir sounded similarly pissed off.

"So just call in that you can't get to work till this afternoon."

"This isn't psychiatry man, I am an anaesthetist, I don't think you understand I'm actually important unlike you. I have to get there."

"Ok go get a cab into work and call the AA to do your tire later, I am at bag reclaim I have to go. Cheer up, things could be worse dude - you could be Kiran."

"True, speak later"

End Call.

Ok rewind one week to a very different morning conversation.

"Yo Bret Michaels are you awake?" Nadir stands over me getting up from his bed on the other side of the Hard Rock hotel room.

"I am now you Rock of Love fanatic, you do realise it is 6 am and we are on holiday?"

There is simply no way around jet lag, our bodies think it is 2 PM.

"Right so this is the plan, has Rock of Love 3 downloaded yet?" Nadir walks to the bathroom and I can hear him releasing a torrent of fluid into the toilet from his immature bladder.

"Yup Rock of Love the Bang Bus is ready to watch if you want." Downloads are super fast on American soil it seems.

I get out of my extremely comfy bed and I am dehydrated from the freezing air con and another late night of poker and watching Vegas's finest ladies dressed as school girls parade through the hotel.

"Ok I'm going downstairs to get starbucks, what do you want?" I grab my hotel key card.

"Get me a caramel latte, hold the whipped cream." I recall why the Americans called Nadir a fag in the elevator last time we were in the hotel.

"Righttttt, I will be back, don't start a Skype with your parents or Suha (his girlfriend), it is TOO BLOODY EARLY! Do you hear me?"

I leave the room, go down one floor, and the elevator doors open out into Starbucks, hard rock music is in fact playing at 6 am, this place is insane.

I leave the aforementioned coffee Mecca with a hot chocolate and caramel latte and take them to the room. I can hear him talking in the room before I enter. Unlike the last trip he is in fact not slagging me off for dragging him on his birthday to a strip club. But he is on skype to his girlfriend, and because I also love her I let it slide for 30 minutes, whilst I sip my drink in bed and listen to how much he loves and misses his "bug" - must be a Sudanese thing!?

He closes Skype and we proceed to watch Rock of Love 3 till about 9 am. Hard Core Sluts parade with no clothes on around Bret Michaels in an attempt to outdo each other, it is not too disimilar to what we see when we then go to the pool.

The sun beats down on us as we lay out at the HRH pool and waitresses with impossibly small waists, long legs and huge fake breasts offer us "poolside service." It soon becomes apparent that there is no point in saying a million times a minute to each other, "Oh my GAWD did you see that?!"

By lunch time we have had enough sun and we go for lunch, we order salads, but these are not European salads, they are American salads, they actually have food in them, not just iceberg lettuce. And they taste AMAZING.

The afternoon is spent chatting to interesting and funny poker dealers and poker room staff like Matt and Alexis. Everyone is fun and smart and witty. This is definitely not Luton town's very own casino. Yuk.

We go up and down in the winnings and losses of cash poker and enter small tournaments and even win a few. Work is forgotten. Being a trainee doctor in an unfair and demoralised national health service is forgotten. Bad weather is forgotten. Bad food is forgotten. That big ALL in push of the chips which gets called and blows the other player out the game is REMEMBERED.

Later we go to the airfield in North Las Vegas, we meet an enthusiastic and friendly instructor called Chase. I comment that I have not heard such a cool name since Michael Knight. We like him he gets our stupid South Park humour. I fly my best friend over one of the World's great wonders, the Grand Canyon. I refill the Cirrus 310 horse power plane after almost 2.5 hours of engine time, it comes to the same amount to fill half my car at home.

Dinner is approaching - Samba, Brazillian Rodizio is the order of the day at the Mirage hotel. It is packed. The food is amazing. We consider coming back every night, but we don't.

Collectively we have partied, drunk with, played poker with and danced and eaten with Gautam, his stunning wife and Kiran. We have heard about Katie's cats and her evolving Vegas modelling career. We saw her amazing blue eyes were bigger than her stomach at Lavo. I gave probably very bad dating advice to the one they call Joli!

Chase has guided us through Vegas airspace. We have skyped with Sally, Mrs and Dr Sharawi Senior and my parents. We fell in love with and fell out of love with the Monopoly 1 cent slot machine. We cashed in our 5 dollar comp at Mr Lucky's for some tasty beef sliders, whilst a film crew ignored us and filmed some MTV reality TV show.

We missed Mash "I raise All in with my great hand 7 - 2 offsuit" and Jez "Why do you make me play and win 1000s of dollars in poker till 3 am whilst you bastards sleep, I just want to go back to bed!"

We missed Maninder who said she was almost definitely coming until she admitted she was a fibber. We thought how great Lee was in getting us lounge access. I found that you can have overwhelming chemistry with someone you meet for a VERY brief time in strange circumstances. ;)

Steve Wynn proved to me that he really is as nasty as everyone says he is. 3 Blue Men showed me that I had forgotten how good it was to dance to KLF. I ate amazing food by the lake of dreams sitting beside Stephanie Seymour. Stephanie made me look good in XS. Cara taught me what Tiki is. Karen and Rachael kept my tired spirits up by texting me every day encouraging me to have more fun! AS if i needed encouragement.

Mike promised me that I might be able to meet his great Uncle, my hero, Jim Lovell of Apollo 13 one day.

What I think I learnt was what I think I and you already knew - was that I live for vacations. Well vacations as good as this.

Video of Dani and Tuvis Wedding

2009-02-18T02:03:00.003Z

Dani and Tuvi's Wedding - Special Edition just made for my friends that came!

Dicing with Death in the Casa Jet - The story

2009-02-03T12:34:00.020Z

I have delayed for almost a year now in writing the story of a near death experience in my flying career. Some will say this is hyperbole but having been there and sat in the plane as it dived for some time out of control towards houses only hundreds of feet below, it is not exaggeration in my opinion. The video is under my videos on facebook in case you want to see more...

It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles the weather was 75 degrees and I was wondering how long it would take for Sergio and I to drive to the airfield outside of LA, where the CASA Aviojet, a jet-powered trainer and light attack aircraft was hangered. It was in fact the last jet that Messerschmitt designed.

I called Sergio in advance of our meeting. "Ok buddy where shall we meet and what is the address for the airport we are going to for the Tom Tom?"

"We are going to fly there - we can take my friends plane." He said.

This is just one beautiful illustration of how life in California is so much better than in the UK. Not only were we not going to drive to Whiteman airfield, we were going to take Sergio's friends plane to get there, I mean I can not even think of a time I lent my best friend my car let alone my plane.

I spotted Sergio sitting in his friends 4 seater light aircraft, a PA-28, a few minutes later we were airborne and flying through the green valley ridges towards the small strip of Whiteman airport. We radioed Van Nuys. "Requesting permission to enter class Delta airspace for Whiteman"

No response. We tried 3 more times.

"Standby" came the reply from the Van Nuys controller.

I sighed with impatience.

I was studying for my commerical pilots license and knew that any radio contact from a class Delta controller meant that we could now legally penetrate their airspace. If the controller did not say "Stay Clear of Class Delta" we were not going to.

"That's good enough for me" Sergio winked at me and exited our 30 degree bank for a new heading - straight into Van Nuys airspace. He was exactly the kind of pilot instructor you wanted, confident and calm at all times but with obvious enthusiasm to teach and let you fly as much as you wanted.

I could barely make out the small tower and runway strip as we called finals, it was in the midst of a busy populated area, hard to spot under Burbank's class Charlie airspace. Little did I know the next time I would be landing on runway 12 would be after requesting priority for an emergency landing.

We taxied quite a distance to some plain hangars, we opened the doors and there sat the Casa Jet trainer, in grey colours with a red lightning bolt down the empannage.

The 2 jet engine intakes at the front of the plane, looked well erm basically awesome!

We changed into flight suits, Sergio, ever the legend, let me have the better one and we took some Top Gun posing shots.

A man on a scooter approached us and spent almost a half hour asking me what I thought about the events of 9/11 and "was i really stupid enough to believe that terrorists had flown planes into the buildings in NY?!"

I argued with him but then capitulated as he was clearly unstable. I could not have guessed that the talking of planes flying into buildings would within an hour be somewhat appropriate to my own life.

We towed the plane to the run up area tested the engine and went through a start up sequence. The noise without the canopy on was simply thrilling. The whine of the turbines made my hairs stand on end.

We powered down and went to the restaurant for lunch.

Sergio ordered a BLT and I ordered some ice water. I get dizzy at times on the Mad Hatter's Tea Cups at Disney World so there was no way I was going to fill my stomach up on food before doing aerobatics in a jet trainer.

I had done some aerobatics in a Tiger Moth, a World War 1 aircraft in Australia in 1998 but that was a slow moving gentle biplane, and I had recently done some Split S turns and inverted flight in a C-172 with Mike but that's a story for another time.

I was sure this would be much more disorientating and labrynthitis inducing.

Sergio was ready, I was nervous, but I opted to sit in the front seat, Sergio could go RIO for this trip. It meant that I had to use the radio as this was only possible from the front seat and we reviewed ejection procedures. Sergio explained that in the case of an unrecoverable emergency there is no rocket propelled ejection seat. I would need to manually jettison the canopy and just jump out the aircraft and use my parachute. I didn't give it much thought really, I was not planning on having anything go wrong despite my parents suggesting I not go in an old jet trainer put together from spare parts. And my parents pretty much encourage me to fly as much as I can in whatever I can.

I put on the parachute, put on my helmet and connected my oxygen mask with radio mike.

We lined up to the runway.

"Two One Two Alpha Mike is ready for departure" I keyed the mike.

"212AM take off no delay, left turn out after departure"

"Left turn out after departure, lining up"

"Here we go!" I could hear Sergio over the intercom but barely as the jet engines spooled up to take off power.

I was tachycardic and tachypneic - I breathed harder into the oxygen mask and turned up the flow.

We shot into the air and I could feel amazing thrust propelling us to 200 knots within 30 seconds. I was waiting for Sergio to call out for the hydraulic pump circuit breaker to be pulled which was only accessible from my position. I waited and waited for what felt like an eternity. I spoke into my mask, "Hey buddy is it time to hit the breaker?"

I could not make out a reply, the noise inside the cockpit was just too loud. Was this normal ? I tried again and again. Still I could not hear Sergio.

My heart got faster still. Something was wrong. Something was definitely not right here. I had never flown this plane before, it was unfamiliar to me and I did not fancy dealing with anything out of the norm. Whereas in a plane I was familiar with I could feasibly help my co pilot, in this jet I was not so sure. We were at about 1000 feet AGL and level. 200 kts indicated.

I turned my head around to try and show Sergio that I had a problem with comms. I could not hear him. It was in that split second I realised why! Sergio's canopy, the roof of the plane ripped off the plane in front of my eyes, it was hanging on by one final safety bolt. If that went the canopy could hit the tail plane and severly cripple the aircraft.

Time slowed down, this was now an actual emergency. Sergio was blinded by the 200 kt head wind in his face, and he was screaming at me. But the plane was not an open cockpit design and it was never meant to be going at such speeds without a roof, communication was impossible.

I also had no clue as to whether there was a more serious problem and Sergio had himself jettisoned his canopy and was preparing to jump out the plane.

Was he yelling at me to jettison my canopy and eject? Had I caused this by not pulling the hydraulic circuit breaker?!

I held off ejecting , I knew we were barely at 1000 feet and jumping out would be suicide anyway.

"Fly the plane!" He yelled. I still could not hear what he was saying.

"Take control of the plane!" This time I got what he was saying and I turned around and grabbed the controls.

This plane was fast and twitchy as hell not like the cessnas and pipers I had been flying for the last 2 months at 90 kts. I glanced at the VSI, the vertical speed indicator it was showing about minus 500 feet per minute and I could see the houses were looking bigger and bigger. If I could not level her out whilst Sergio wrestled with the canopy we would be a fireball within two minutes.

I kept her roughly level but thoughts were racing through my head, I knew we were not out the woods yet and I gave us 50/50 odds to make it through this alive. I was praying that it was simply that the canopy had not been locked in place properly and had come loose and that Sergio would be able to fly the plane back to Whiteman.

As the plane rocketed away from the airport, I lost sight of it and I thought of my family and how if I died they would absolutely kill me!

Everything was happening in micro seconds and within that time frame there became a moment when I was flying the plane and there was nothing I could think of to do so I keyed the mike once more.

"Two One Two Alpha Mike declaring an emergency, request immediate landing!"

Fuck I was still flying this bitch and I had no idea where the airport was, somewhere off the port wing. Come on Serg, fly this bloody plane, I need you right bloody now!

And from that moment on Sergio positioned himself so my body acted as a wind breaker and he could see again, he calmly regained control, I could feel her settle to his experienced touch and I could hear the hydraulics whirr into action as the undercarriage lights illuminated and locked into place. I told him we were cleared to land!

He turned smoothly back West and I caught sight of the airport, I knew we were going to be ok. The landing was perfect and the tower asked me if we needed emergency vehicles.

We didn't.

I was sitting in a bath of my own sweat. "Good job Man" I said to my instructor, friend and co pilot.

"Want to go again?" He laughed as if nothing had happened but a slight waste of JET A fuel.

I was thinking no fucking way!

"Sure, let's go again." The words left my mouth and after a new canopy was found an hour later we were doing barrel rolls and 20 foot passes over the Nevada desert.

What a ride.

Egyptian Dreams ?

2008-01-29T19:46:00.000Z

Let me say before I write this blog that it is in no way reflective on my best friend Nadir and his greatness. As you will all know, the last holiday we had in Vegas was one of the very best, the things that I will go on to describe had nothing to do with him or his amazing girlfriend Princess Suha. Essentially this blog is tongue in cheek and it was great to be on holiday with 3 of my bestfriends. Anyway......

The Lord was not messing about when Moses took us out of Egypt, he supplied manna from heaven, and water from rocks, he repelled all attackers, and even forgave us when we started acting like retards and prayed to a golden cow. What i'm saying is he put a lot of effort into keeping us from going back to Egypt, and the first indication that a Jew going back was truly stupid is the only way to get there is via XL airways.

2 + 2 does not equal 3 and a 6 foot 2 man like myself does not fit into an XL seat for almost 6 hours. Never mind, the Hilton Dreams awaited! My friend that I was really looking forward to seeing had bailed, due to an unfortunate family member's illness and so it was Mash and I standing in a lay-by outside the airport as the cold wind and sand particles twisted around us as we stood negotiating prices down with the cabbies.

"But my friend I give you good price, the hotel is 30 KM away!" The taxi driver protested as he threw his arms in the air, palms open as if he was actually telling the truth.

Five minutes later we arrived at our hotel. "That was a short 30 Kilometers," I said to him.

He began to verbally assault me in arabic, I turned away and thought of my nice bed in the villa that Nadir had been talking of for a long time.

Mash and I excitedly asked the man at reception to call the room so we could speak with our welcoming party Nadir, Suha, Rex, Dave and some nurse that Nadir had found under a rock.

"I am sorry Sir, Dr El Sharawi is not in his room, but here are 2 keys, Mahmoud will drive you to your room."

After Mahmoud tried to show off what a pseudo-robin reliant car without the performance of one can do on a hill climb, Mash and I ran into the villa. We found our room and looked at each other.

Now for those of you that do not know, Mash and I became friends when he was my medical student when I first qualified as a doctor. Now when I was younger I imagined a very different type of medical student that I might one day take to bed, one without a penis for starters. We looked at the King Size bed and both of us shouted in unison, "NADIR!!!!!!"

We went to chastise him, maybe I could find an Egyptian that would flog him. For 100 Egyptian Pounds they would pretty much do anything.

The first 2 days it rained so we could not really do anything, I was expecting at one point G-d to send a sign like frogs pouring down as a reminder that my people worked hard to get the hell out of this place. Luckily that did not happen, but the water from the taps did turn brown half way through the holiday! The addition of Wasan, Mash's lovely girlfriend and friend of mine, improved my mood, but she left after a few days.

Then I was left alone for the second part of the holiday as everyone went diving, which I was not in the mood for after Nadir proudly explained that he had triumphed by under cutting the average going price for a professional dive school to take you down into the depths of the Red Sea. (Again the last time I had heard about the Red Sea was when thousands of Egyptians were drowned by G-d's nifty party trick the infamous parting of the waters).

Yes his new friend, Waleed would take you diving for about 10 quid a person for a whole day, I have no idea if that included oxygen in the tanks or just whatever gas was going cheap at the Dive Centre that day. Anyway I thought better of it, and I was to be proved right when Suha came back with 2 ruptured tympanic membranes and a burst nasal capillary. And Rex had done multiple emergency ascents to the surface. Sounded great! Not.

I did go quad biking which could have been really good fun if it had not been so bloody freezing at night and if the desert was not basically a rubbish tip, it was totally ruined by the fact the locals use it as a fly tipping area and we had an Arabic camera man filming us the whole time with a shoulder mounted camera, the ones you normally see Al Jazeera showing footage of terrorists holding when there has been a kidnap followed by a beheading.

The fact that the camera man thought it was hilarious to repeatedly repeat the name of Osama Bin Laden like a demented zombie did not help calm nerves that they might be leading our quad bikes into some hostage situation, I could not remember if Terry Waite was taken hostage whilst on a quad biking excursion!

The food the entire trip was awful, it was stone cold at every restaurant, despite multiple requests for hot food to avoid Ramases Revenge. The best Middle Eastern food I had in the whole last 10 days was when I got back to my home town of St Johns Wood with Brisi, how crazy is that?

When Jez picked us up after an almost 2 hour wait for our luggage at 3 am at Gatwick I was not sure if his TT was a super car or a rescue vehicle. Either way thanks.

And as the theme tune for the holiday went, will I be going back to Egypt ever? No no no notorious..................... NO!!!

Return of the Blog (Mark Vs Facebook)

2007-08-22T15:48:00.001+01:00

"Oh my g-d so arrogant!"
"Are you serious, your own website?"
"Why would anyone look at that?"

Just some of the comments that I regularly got over the last two years, when I told people that I had a website, (www.marksilvert.com).

Before the website, I used this blogging page (www.doctormark.blogspot.com) to write about my travels in America and due to its popularity I continued it onwards into my site, the editing made easy and aesthetically pleasing by the wonders of my Apple Mac.

But it's me that's having the last laugh on those that would chortle at my egotism.

With the explosion in social networking site "Facebook" everyone I know with the exception of 3 New Yorkers, Jackie, Kate and Zoe, and one Brit, Adam Cane, (get them on!!) now has their own webpage, where they are not only uploading photos of friends, family, new babies, engagements, weddings but informing everyone on a hourly or minute by minute basis of what they are up to. Some use their mobiles to update what they are up to.

Not even I go that far!!

What facebook does is prove that we are all wannabe celebs, we crave our own space, our personalities have an unquenchable appetite for attention. I make no secret of it, I love attention, who the hell doesn't?

But facebook has a negative side too. It was on the news today that most adults have about 30 - 40 friends, well I think that was about right, but not anymore.

Some people list up to 4 to 500 hundred friends on their facebook pages. Whilst this is ridiculous, it is certainly possible to have a couple of hundred that you email and poke from time to time.

These sites are changing the ways in which we live. We sailed through school years and tours and holidays, and left some friends in the wake of our stern, whilst keeping others on deck. But now it turns out those friends made it, and swam to safety, only to reappear on these social networking sites with old photos of us that we had never seen before and certainly never even imagined we would approve or disapprove of a tag!

In fact I tagged an ex girlfriend the other day who is now engaged, and she removed it within seconds of it being in cyberspace.

It felt good in some ways to know that there were some people that I would just never hear or see of again. But now with one click I can see what they are up to, guess at how much more successful they are than me and how amazingly missed they are by their friends, by taking a look at their wall - and all because they went to Brighton for the day or something equally ridiculous.

Those that do not partake in these sites are missing out on literally hundreds of invites out to clubs, bars, and birthdays yearly. I don't know what I did before facebook to work out when the next jew doo was taking place or which club everyone was going to on a bank holiday weekend, I guess I just phoned around. Now I just click on the events tab! EASY!

It goes further, these sites change the way you feel. Feeling sad, log on, get some emails, some pokes, some hugs, some slaps even, feel better about life. Family and friends are there cheering you on.

Poke a one night stand, get a poke back, sort out your next Sunday night! (So I am told.)

Feeling happy, log on, and what do you find, photos of the one that got away getting married to a one legged, receding hair lined beast! What was so wrong with me!!!?

You see there are things you just shouldn't see in life, like your long term ex girlfriends marriage, the photos of other people's holidays when you are stuck feeling sorry for yourself for one reason or another, they smile at you, they who are saying "look at what a fucking brilliant time I am having!!!"

I think you get my point. Facebook is the invention of the devil and somewhere deep down you agree with me, you know it's wrong and so so addictive, like gambling, drugs or alcohol.

Now I simply must go, I have to upload some photos of me and Jez on a boat in 30 degree weather off a Balearic island, not that I am trying to make you jealous or anything.......

Pandora's Mobile

2006-04-03T23:04:00.001+01:00

My friend has been dying to write up his story for his blog but sadly the life of a NewYork playboy, property agent and expatriate leaves him little time. So the gauntlet falls to me.

Fasten your sense of morality and ethics, you are in for a bumpy ride!

Our hero and possible villain of this story shall remain nameless or I couldn't write this blog.

The snow was coming down on the shivering sky scrapers of Manhattan settling a few inches on the ground. Far below the powdery snow the telephone cables under the Eastern seaboard were buzzing with data streaming back and forth. Somewhere in cyber space I was busily arranging for a good friend of mine to stay with another good friend of mine in NewYork.

The reason why she needed a place to stay is of no importance. She needed somewhere and a friend of mine was kind enough to offer up his apartment. Ok already I sense confusion. Let us name everyone, it may help.

If I am Hephaestus, (the one that creates the debaucle), she will be Pandora and he can be Epimetheus.

Ok here we go...

So Epimetheus decides that the beautiful Pandora should be taken out ahead of time, even before she moves in with him for a long weekend. Smooth mover!

Where does Epimetheus choose?

The Opera. I mean how ironic. Surely this was a warning ahead of time, Opera is always about the tragedy of a hero! And a tragedy is on its way - trust me.

But so far so good.

Epimetheus feels Pandora has enjoyed her night at the Opera and they hop into a shiny yellow cab, Epimetheus is dropped off first and then Pandora finally gets home. Epimetheus is content that he is well on his way to a good weekend.

In fact his phone bleeps soon after with a message from Pandora extoling his virtues and revealing to him what a great night it was! An hour later and yet again his phone rings as he is about to settle in for the night. It's a stranger's voice, it turns out that Pandora has left her mobile phone in the cab and a kindly stranger has retrieved it and called the last number dialed, which as fate would have it was Epimetheus's.

Carpe Diem!

Epimetheus jumps out of bed and in the late hour he rides another cab like the mighty Pegasus to get the phone!

And what fair readers does Epimetheus do now? For Epimetheus wants to know why Pandora's phone is beeping madly all night, flashing with new messages popping up from Zeus, Hector, Agamemnon, Hercules and Achiles to name but a few other men..

Well Epimetheus, he decides to try and cease the phones vibrations. And he finds himself in her sent messages box! He reads them. The first text makes him smile as he has seen it already once tonight, it is addressed to him from earlier.

"Dear Epimetheus, what a lovely time I had at the Opera, I am so glad I will be staying with you. Nite x"

The second text dear readers he has not seen.

"Oh my Lord, what a nightmare evening I just had with Epimetheus, he is such a geek and not my type at all, oh well at least it is free accommodation!"

Needless to say the weekend was not a great success, but Epimetheus was a good friend to Hephaestus and let Pandora stay anyway.

And the morale of the story? Always delete your text messages!!!

Spring Break the Story

2006-03-21T01:47:00.000Z

They say that every good film or book has a 3 act structure. A beginning, a middle and end.

There should be a few major turning points and the protagonist should have a goal, and to reach it must conquer somewhat unsurmountable odds.

Well if that is the case this should make a bloody good story.

Ladies and Gentleman, allow me to present Spring Break 2006.

ACT 1

Our 2 heroes Mark and Jez board the Virgin Plane - hoping she will go all the way.

She doesn't dissapoint.

On the plane, Jez reveals their mission to Mark. Their quest is to go in search of Mark's smile. It has not been seen in sometime, not even a hint of a smile in any photos ever, they fear it has been stolen by the evil winds of a London Winter.

They arrive at "Mi-Am-I Really in Hell?" Airport.

They fight their way through the immigration lines, the stuff of Dante Alighieri's worst nightmares. Minions everywhere!

Battling together they make it to the front. Mark swoops in to save the Jez, when he almost tells the immigration minotaur that they will be leaving the airport to go straight to the Courthouse!! In fact it is the Courtyard hotel!

The immigration officers had been known to demand cavity searches for lesser mistakes.

This act of looking out for his best friend will be repaid many times, when Jez takes a few for the team over the next 7 days.

They make base camp at the Marriott Courtyard and call for reinforcements. They receive information that there will be a gathering of clans at Prive starting at 11 PM. They take rest before the outing.

However someone must have crept into their camp and poisoned them with a sleeping elixir! They woke at 3 am!

Jez bravely encourages Mark to follow his lead for late night nourishment to keep their strength up.

It was there at 4 am in a Ye Olde Eatery called Jerry's Deli that they came across their first allies in the war against boredom and anhedonia.

They spotted some likely lasses and asked if they could join them for some sustenance. After a few plates of Chilli Fries, their bellies full and with new compatriots who would warm their hearts and stomachs they prepared for the onslaught ahead.

ACT 2

During the day, they misjudged the intensity of the burning sun and spent the first 2 days wounded from the fires of South Beach. By night the group comprising of Jen, Jez, Jill, Mark and Melinda took their postions on the battle field of Lucky Strike, where they fought the evil ten pins!

Drunk activities ensured that the losers (the girls) ended up doing a ritualistic lap dance on each other. Our 2 heroes enjoyed this tradition very much and morale was lifted.

To rest in the day, games of Scrabble and Catch were played on the beach. (Yes you did read that right, catch and scrabble!)

All was going well on the quest for Mark's smile.

Our quest was about to get more interesting. Yolanda and Chris appeared to replace the Chilli Fry girls and more good times ensued and even later nights were had on the beach they called Nikki.

But then disaster, could the girls have been double agents? For Jez fell ill with a mystery throat complaint. 48 hours later and with supplies air dropped in by Walgreens the mighty Jez had not yet fully recouped.

The Fellowship sent 2 more experts in to help our 2 stranded heroes. The Jackie and The Lauren dragged our warriors to nourishment heaven, the Barton G and onwards to Delano mountain.

It was that night with the help of hearty steak, girly cupcakes and Corona by the tonne that the Jez was brought back to full strength.

ACT 3

Mark was losing hope that he would ever be able to smile in a photo! There was barely 48 hours to go. And already so much fun had been had. And then Jez dropped a bomb shell. To finish his quest he must go on alone, Jez could not go with him.

Jez pointed over the sand dunes and told him to walk away.

Mark was not sure what he would find...

Over the hot sandy shore he walked, he could not believe what he saw in front of him.

5 amazing girls sunbathing totally distracted by great (gulp) books like Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants! With memories of Bridget from the movie of the aforementioned book, Mark was enticed.

However this was a challenge even too big for the Mark. But Jez pushed him forward.

Mark fought off every excuse he could think of to turn back, and soon he was engaging in negotiations to hang out for the rest of the holiday with the fair maidens of Gamma Phi Beta. A powerful sorority anyway you looked at it. Cadbury's eggs were used as bargaining tools, and texts flew back and forth, but would it be enough?!

Lisa, Kelsey, Melanie, Jessica and Karen, did they have what it would take to end Mark and Jez's quest?

I'll let you be the judge of that....

Spring Break the DVD will be out next week.

Lucky in Cards?

2006-02-14T23:29:00.000Z

This entry reminds me it has been a year since I have been blogging! Woo hoo, let's hear it for abundant arrogance that anyone would want to read it.

To be fair it has had THOUSANDS of hits, and many many friends say they really do love it. Speaking of love...

Valentine's day 2005 was the last time I was in what I would call a relationship that lasted more than a month. A lovely dinner at Via Matta was somewhat marred by the fact that I knew I was going to go home soon and the girl in question that I was dating would soon become an ex.

Since then the interviewing process for Mrs Dr (wink wink) Silvert has been ongoing and generally hilarious!

Most of my best friends are all looking for GOOD girlfriends, then last week I was chatting with a female friend who said all her friends are looking for GOOD boyfriends. Yet never the twain shall meet it seems!

Yes you guessed it, what my friends think is good in a girl, is very different to what girls think might be good to have in their prospective soul mates.

So here for all your fairer sex readers of the blog is a very funny guide to men so you can understand us better!!

"Do you want to go to a movie?" REALLY MEANS, I'd like to have sex with you.

"Can I take you out to dinner?" REALLY MEANS, I'd like to have sex with you.

"Can I call you sometime?" REALLY MEANS, I'd like to have sex with you.

"What's wrong?" REALLY MEANS, What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

"I love you, too." REALLY MEANS, Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?" ( A personal favourite of the Jez's )

"You expect too much of me," REALLY MEANS, "You want me to stay awake!?"

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."

When I was only 5 years old I used to play cards and lose with my Grandma Maie and my sister. My Grandma would always say, "Well you know what they say, lucky in cards, unlucky in love!"

So boys, casino tomorrow night?? :)

Crazy is as Crazy Does

2006-01-27T19:18:00.000Z

I left the patients of a known psychiatric unit in London all titrated up for the coming weekend. I took my coat, wrapped myself up, and headed out into the dusky luminescense of the hospital car park.

Had my appraisal today, told my attendence to teaching and academic meetings had been excellent. Ermmm, remind me again, we are the doctors right and the patients are the ones that are nuts?

Drove home, to find my sister, one hand holding a book about avoiding sugar in some new fad diet, and her other hand plucking another cadbury's mini egg from it's plastic thin wrapping.

Flip the internet on, read about Hamas's win in the Palestinian elections. Apparently they hired a PR guru for 100,000 dollars.

The advice from this guru....

Be nicer about Jews and you might want to rethink that whole suicide bomber thing! Genius.

Have a good weekend, medication free, if you can cope!

Hello 2006, do come in.

2006-01-09T20:41:00.000Z

2005 was a bit like King Kong's opening weekend at the box office, it was a success but not quite what I had hoped for!

America was good but not great. Spain was great but over far too soon, and moving into my own place was actually an anticlimax. Who knew you could still miss home when you are only a few miles away?

Seeing as I have spent a lot of today sending emails to my friend Tobias in America discussing the best films, albums, restaurants etc with him I thought I would close 2005 with a list of all the best things this year. Yes those that know me know I love my lists!

Would love to hear your own views on my choices so as ever be sure to email me (markssilvert@hotmail.com).

Right onwards....(In no order)

Best 5 Films

Munich
Lord of War
Wedding Crashers
Napoleon Dynamite
Batman Begins

Best 5 Albums

Coldplay - X&Y
Fiona Apple - Extraordinary Machine
Nick Cave - B sides and rareities
Burt Bacharach - At this time
Gwen Stefani - Love, Angel, Music, Baby

Best 5 Restaurants

Barton G (Miami)
Coldstone (Multiple stores in USA)
Dinner in some place I can't recall the night Kiran flew over to Boston
Yo Sushi (Multiple places)
Hakkasan (Central London)

Best 5 Experiences

Boston Blizzard with Sami
Every single dinner with Jez in Menorca
Watching Dan dance with Jackie in a wolf costume
Talking Politics with Vanessa Kerry (Not Jim Carrey's daughter as one american girl asked recently)
Doing a glamour model shoot for website

Best 5 people I have met this year

Kiran's Dad - "What do you mean I drink because of Kiran!?"
Kim Ballet girl - "Yeah I am in a play and I have to act the part of a virgin, so no acting required there then!"
Famous Amy - A girl who never asked for commitment
Paula aka Miss Scotland - "It is impossible for you not to fancy me"
Natasha from JWT - "Do you want to lose weight in 10 days or less!"

Best 5 TV programmes /docs

CSI - Vegas
Entourage
Bodies
Top Gear
Auschwitz

Worst 5 Things

Realising my contract was 3 years not 2
Getting tonsillitis every month
Becoming addicted to pizza and having a pizza place in my building in Boston!
Missing Coldplay due to frauds
Finding an unconscious girl in my bathroom at 6 am

And that is all for now! Here is to a happy and healthy new year and to lots more entertainment that you all bring to me and this blog!!!!

Only in America (Part Two)

2005-12-25T16:47:00.000Z

The holiday is going well now the weather has hit the mid 70s at long last!

It sure beats being on call in cold London, here are a few funny things I have noticed whilst being here in Florida.

One local news article reads that many people cancelled restaurant reservations at a local eaterie because the patrons could not park literally outside (something of an expectation here in SW Florida) and therefore went home again. Clearly walking ten feet to the door of the restaurant is acceptable but twenty is reason to abort!

Across the road from this restaurant is "Coldstone", my sister's reason for living (see previous blogs), we go in and there is an extremely pretty blonde girl behind the counter, we begin chatting, I ask her age, she is 16. I lose interest.

My sister continues chatting.

Jail bait - "Where are you guys from?"

Sister - "London"

JB - "Do you guys come here often?"

Sister - "Yes we come back every year for the icecream." She says jokingly.

JB - "Really!!!" She says in total amazement.

In other news my sister and I have been horrified to watch interviews with America's leading actor, Tom Cruise, slating psychiatry....

This is from an interview with Matt Lauer on the Today programme.

"Psychiatry is a pseudoscience," he told host Matt Lauer, later saying: "You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do."

Cruise looked like a man possessed -- or at least in need of some diazepam -- leaning insistently forward in his chair, hammering Lauer when the host suggested that some people were actually, you know, helped, when doctors prescribed psychiatric drugs. Lauer sparred with Cruise specifically over whether it made sense for Brooke Shields to have sought therapy and taken antidepressants for postpartum depression -- a decision that Cruise had previously criticized.

Forget medical research: "There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in a body," said Cruise, who prescribed vitamins and exercise for depression. "The thing that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay? And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She -- she doesn't understand, in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt."

Moving on - There I am driving along the twisting Everglades road when the ad comes on - "Do you want your license to carry a concealed firearm!?"

Thinking back to the Tom Cruise interview, I ponder it for a split second. Interesting.. but surely a joke. This is America though. No joke.

That then led me to the society of Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership!

http://www.jpfo.org

Yes this country is truly nuts. Nuts but a hell of a lot of fun.

Do you take this woman?

2005-12-05T01:12:00.000Z

Firstly before I begin a dissection of what it's like for my friends and I to be going through a quarter life crisis, I want to say how cool the last few weeks have been with no blog, loads of unexpected people have come out the wood work and told me how much they miss it!

So thanks.

Anyway I digress.

So Sunday I went to a wedding with my best friend. You will know him as JTU, Jez the Usher.

His new name as there has barely been a jewish wedding South of the Watford Gap in the last 12 months where Jez has not been an usher, we think maybe he gets costco to sponsor them or something. If that is true, when it comes to mine I'll have the Haribo pick and mix for the reception please!

Neither of us have settled down yet it must be said, we do not have cold feet as so much as frozen to the point of needing amputation when it comes to thoughts of "the begininng of the end" as my mentor Dad, once put it. Only joking Mum!

"And we are done" Jez said as we took a seat for the ceremony.

To most people that aren't on our wave length that would suggest we were about to leave, but no.

"We're done" in this setting meant that he had observed all eligible females on the other side of the synagogue and had come to his conclusion. No further mental power was needed for the rest of the day.

"What are we looking at here? Give me a figure?" I said, already knowing the answer having scoured the synagogue for myself.

"One, possibly two depending on how old that one is." Jez said pointing over to the girl that scrambled in late.

Things were looking very bleak. Only one!!!

Interestingly things were not looking so bad for everyone's favourite usher JTU. His dice had rolled 6s, for that one girl was sitting next to him on his dinner table.

I, on the other hand was stuck with the religious jewish girl so unfriendly that she had resigned herself to the fact that no jewish guy would be so stupid unless under the effects of mind altering hypnotics and had moved in with her non jewish partner.

I hasten to add that the fact her best friend was this night the bride, and was marrying someone of THE faith, was pushing her stability into Chernobyl like safety.

After having had enough of her sourness, I suggested to her that she looked like she needed to go on holiday and didn't she know she could get a good last minute deal to Baghdad this time of year.

That was pretty much the highlight of the evening for me.

Without the bride having a younger sister and younger sister's friends therefore in tow, the wedding was basically split into 2 conventions, those there in just married or soon to be sooo smug as you like couples.

And those girls who are of similar age to me who are sat on the shelves with no amount of Post Yuletide sales going to shift them if you know what I mean.

All in all weddings are crap, you are never sat next to the single au pair from Sweden, (although the Jez did do well on this occassion) and if I must go to another one, I either want to be best man or the groom.

Needless to say the bride and groom don't read my blog, and if by chance they do, may I say what a wonderful night I had and how beautiful the bride looked.

Diwali Feast

2005-11-04T12:07:00.000Z

The clocks have just wound back an hour and the town of Pinner was settling in for the night.

A few distant fireworks helped light the streets as the rust coloured leaves fell onto the slippery wet roads.

My stomach grumbled, I had prepared the lining of my stomach for the evening's festivities with....nothing.

I had been warned that we would eat well. This was possibly the biggest understatement of the current year.

I arrived to see Miss and Mrs Kulkarni dressed beautifully in fiery red Sarees. Their outfits would match the intensity of the feast that we were about to relish.

2 of my best friends and I, had been lucky enough to be invited to the feast of Diwali, a celebration of light and truth in the Hindu calendar.

Nadir and Suha and I began to enjoy the tantalising onion bahjis, the hot creamy chicken, (made with double cream!!) and chicken tikka.

After almost two hours of this, and Nadir telling us more stories of his impending triple on call, we were truly stuffed. Buttons were released, zips were fighting gravity.

Kiran's dad then dropped the bomb.

"Did you enjoy the starters?"

We looked at each other, a look of excitement for more gustatory treats and yet fear.

We were all doctors, we knew about the human body, we knew of gastric emptying, the peristalsis of the human gut, the enzymes that would dissolve the food, but none of us knew how much more we could take!

We peered into the main dining room, beautifully laid out with Lamb curry, Lamb chops, prawn curry, chapatis, and steaming hot rice.

"You must eat it all!" Someone said. I could not make out who for at this point I was heady with hyperglycaemia.

We piled more food on our plates.

One more hour later and we argued with the Kulkarni posse that going back for seconds would be delightful yet scientifically not possible.

And then it happened, there was dessert!

"It will be a great insult to not eat dessert made by my God mother!"

With super human endurance we ate the dessert and almost 5 hours later we were well and truly saited and had a wonderful experience.

We helped each other to our cars and drove off, eager to wangle an invite again next year.

The next day I had emails from friends in America asking if I was coming to see them during my "half term."

I could honestly reply that I was far too heavy for the plane to rise into the sky for at least the next week!

Birthday Party Snaps

2005-10-05T00:44:00.000+01:00

My surplus of patients and lack of patience are both driving me to distraction, alas no witty comments!

But here are some nice photos.....

Thank you for all your cards!!

"Always Take the Weather with you?!"

2005-08-21T21:26:00.000+01:00

The Jez pulled up outside my flat in the reving MR2. The birds tweeted in trees, as fluffy rolling clouds swept by in the blue crisp air.

The weather looked good, the plane was booked and the Euros left over from Spain were to hand. Anna, Jez and I sped through the Essex countryside to Southend airport as the skies turned increasingly grey, rain started to spit at the windscreen as we drove into the flying club.

In flight food (a mars bar and 2 packets of crisps) were stowed away, and we were good to go.

"Clear Prop!" I yelled as I turned over the port engine.

"Cough, cough, splutter, cough, and then aspyhxia." The battery was pretty much dead, the prop would not spin, and Anna the first time somewhat nervous flyer looked well....nervous.

I was not amused to have woken up at 6 am on a saturday for this.

Anna looked confused. To be fair it's not often you see your plane getting a jump start from an external battery on a wheel barrow!

Problem solved. Both engines vibrated noisily.

The plane hit 80 mph and soared skywards into the dark clouds. 30 mins later we descended into Le Touquet in Northern France. Unfortunately we had not escaped the rain and it poured down onto the French tarmac.

Nevertheless, where else to go but la plage!

Sadly not even the taste of creamy moules and crisp pomme frites could make the damp sandy beach seem pleasant.

A few gifts were picked up (Grandma's birthday don't you know today) and by 4 O'clock we flew back to the UK.

A very fun day trip, bragging rights at the bar that night, "Oh yeah we went to France for lunch today," and oh yeah a new convert, Anna's first flying lesson is tomorrow. Good luck!

Not in my room you don't

2005-08-16T20:15:00.000+01:00

Jez tempered the chocolate in one room, the champagne was chilling on ice in another and the girls put finishing touches to their "less is more" outfits.

Kiran (sadly unavailable) would have found it hard to resist the sight of her chocolate fountain bubbling away minutes later.

People began turning up to my sister's post exam party, and an hour later the party was in full swing, alcohol poured down thirsty throats and strawberries were fished out of melted chocolate.

It was not soon after the first person arrived, that I realised I am truly getting old.

"Ok it is 11 pm, can we be mindful of the neighbours please!" I said to quizical faces as the now waxy chocolate solidified into a cess pool of hardened sucrose.

The party was a great success mind you, and well done to Dani for all that hard work. Not much else to say really, here are some photos.

BTW anyone know why Nadir is playing pin the tail on Dani in the photos below ? :-)

Careful What you Wish For...

2005-07-30T17:30:00.000+01:00

It's late June. Dan, Jez and I sit around a pub clawing the labels of our bottles of beer. The tension is high. We have a holiday booked with no girls coming.

"Good night guys, leave it with me, and all of you pray!" I drove off into the now Jude Lawless-Primrose Hill.

2 weeks later, 5 girls had booked, elation seeped through the emails and texts between the 3 of us.

What fun it would be this holiday, turn to the left a girl in a bikini, turn to the right a girl in a bikini.

Mid July - On holiday...

"Seriously girls, we are going on a boat - at night, noone will see you!" I pleaded with them to cut down their getting ready to leave the house time to under an hour.

"But you only told us at 6 that we were going out tonight." They squeaked. The time was now 9.

"No, it's definitely your turn Jez" I said.

"Rubbish it is Dan's turn" He rebuked.

"Sod it, I will get them out this house - watch the master in action!" I stormed out the air conditioned room into the heat of the night air.

I returned some minutes later, "Ok I think we have time for a nap before we go out." Damn it.

The next day and every other day...

"You talk to them"

"No you"

"No you"

"No you"

"Paper,rock,scissors?"

"Done"

"You lose!!!"

"Ok here goes."

"Hey what are you girls talking about?" I feigned ignorance.

"Oh we are talking about relationships, do you want to join us?" The girls pull up a chair for me.

I bottle it.

"Ah I just got a call from a volvo engineer, he needs me to go to the boat immediately, so sorry, another time?"

"But it's 1 am!" She smelled a rat.

"Er er" Think fast Mark! "Yeah he must be on call" I tried not to laugh and ran off to the safety of the 2 boys.

No but seriously, the holiday was wicked. In a ten point summary..

1 - The number of engines we could get to work on the boat.

2 - The number of times I told the Spaniard who I couldn't understand to "Fuck Off" when he tried to deliver Kate's lost luggage!!!!

3 - Hundred Euros that Dan won playing poker.

4 - Large glasses of Sangria needed to drown out the girls talking of engagements and relationships.

5 - Boats surrounding us on all sides during the wicked blessing of the boats procession.

6 - The number of hours the girls would take to get ready.

7 - Schnitzels Jez could eat in one day.

8 - Hours Jackie could monologue for without stopping for air.

9 - Appetizers that the girls stole from everyone else, "Oh we don't want any!"

10 - Maximum number of girls we had on the boat at any one time.

Job done. Roll on 2006!

London Calling

2005-07-09T12:33:00.000+01:00

What a week.

A plethora of emails from the other side of the atlantic, at first congratulating us Londoners on the Olympic bid and then worried emails about the terrorist attacks.

Most of my good friends know that it is rare that you will find me on a bus, still it was horrific to see outside the place I onced worked (BMA House) the walls were covered in blood.

And as I calculate it all the bombs went off within a couple of miles radius of where I live now. It was amazing though to see who your real friends were, people I hadn't spoken to in years emailed or called from abroad to check on myself and family.

And then you being to think of those that didn't bother to call, too busy maybe? Hmm.

I was angry to see that only in this left wing Country that we have become could we have Question time on BBC 1 the same evening that innocent dead bodies were being pulled out of bus and tubes, telling us that we should look at ourselves and our foreign policy to see why we deserved this!! Fucking outrageous. Yet another reason I should enter the world of centre right politics sooner rather than later.

I have no doubt that the muslim terrorists that conducted Thursday's atrocities were jihad fundamentalists and far removed from the teachings of islam, so please don't infer that I believe muslim people are in any way to blame. I don't think that for a second.

But I would contrast this with a firm belief that if jewish extremists were running around the Western civilized world blowing things up, the synagogues would be burning down as we speak and no speeches from a Jewish Council would help us!

And then this leads me on to the man I hate more than any other, the Mayor of London, Red Ken, what a complete hypocritical prick. Trying to make Churchillian like speeches, droaning on and on about Londoners and how great we all are.

Well it was a matter of weeks ago, when Mr Livingstone welcomed Sheik Yousuf Al-Qaradhawi, spending thousand of pounds of tax payers money to entertain a man who inspires nutters like those that blew up commuters on Thursday.

If he loves the Olympics and Stratford so much maybe he should go and live there, die there and even then I fear he would haunt us from the grave, raising congestion charge prices every year from the ground, if Maggie couldn't put a stop to that menace, who can?!

Thanks again to all those that emailed. Stay safe.

Flat Warmed

2005-05-18T17:55:00.000+01:00

Dear All,

Thanks so much for coming, those that did. And that was most of you!

2 photos below. More blog soon and Movie nights soon!

Flat Warming

2005-04-25T12:53:00.000+01:00

Hi

Having a flat warming party on the 15th May.

17 - 19 Elsworthy Road
Primrose Hill
NW3

Email me for the flat number!

7.30 pm to 11 pm.

It is also Buddha's birthday that day, so plenty of fun food, music and drink will be provided.

Tell Me What You Think

2005-04-21T00:47:00.000+01:00

Now that I am home in the Spring air of leafy suburban Hampstead, I am pondering whether to continue blogging or let it go like Toby, Greg, Eve and Meryl have done with their blogs. What do you think?

I note I have readers from Africa, somebody from SilverSpring, Maryland (?), somebody from Fidelity Investments, (i know who you are - stalker), and Kerry is still reading from Oz, how is it going down there?

Anyway it is good to be home, moving out of family home in a week, very strange feeling, and looking forward to some marathon xbox sessions with the Nadir and Jez on the big tv.

Passover looms, and it should pose no problems to most Jewish uber babes on atkins!

Other than that, just settling in, so if you read this, let's go out and catch up.

Spain holiday dates for those that want to come - July 18th to 27th.

Hasta La Vista.

The news is out..

2005-04-14T01:00:00.000+01:00

I guess I am going to be a Dad..

Grandparents don't worry - it is a joke!