The Mead Tree

Upon Reflection

2009-12-30T14:17:00.007-06:00

I snagged these from Simple Mom. Charlie and I answered them this time last year. (I emailed them to him for review for this year.) I feel quiet and pensive and almost ready for a new plan of attack. We watched Food Inc. a couple days ago and it was all the pieces of the puzzle coming together in an unavoidable way. Like so many other things this past year. I feel an end of year recap coming on as well (inspired by Brigid's) so let's see where all this reflection leads me.

Reflection Questions for 2009

1. What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

taking our cruise to Mexico. it felt so 'grown up' and was a wonderful experience. i knew that if we planned for it we could make it happen. we even spent $300 less than we budgeted without even trying! plus i got to see el carib & swim in her warm green-blue waters. awesome!

2. What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

learning that son has pdd-nos. you think you know, you suspect, you fear and then you get the diagnosis and everything shifts. nothing changes and yet everything is different

3. What was an unexpected joy this past year?

my ASL class. not only was it filled with funny engaging people but i learned a lot of sign language and finally answered the call that i've to it my whole life. i think it's something i will pursue more since I love signing and being able to express myself without talking. as my hearing has only gotten worse it also comes in handy in trying to talk to charlie. it seems to help son remember his words, actually seeing it - which is an added bonus.

4. What was an unexpected obstacle?

information overload. i am always seeking information and finding awesome stuff but i don't stop and integrate a 10th of it. especially when dealing with autism stuff i need to discriminate what's real and valuable and then take the time to put it to work for us rather than just moving on and filling my mind with more information.

5. Pick three words to describe 2009.

boring. a bridge. quick quick slow slow.

6. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe your 2009 (don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you).

educational. home-y. busy.

7. Pick three words your spouse would use to describe their 2009 (again, without asking).

stressful. working. cruise.

8. What were the best books you read this year?

didn't actually get a lot of pleasure reading done this year, so by default the laurell hamilton vampire series that charlie and i are reading together. although the fall of atlantis by marion zimmer-bradley is pretty good. (i've not finished it yet.) most helpful and paradigm shifting non-fiction was: total money makeover by dave ramsey. i knew it could be done, he showed me how.

9. With whom were your most valuable relationships?

son & charlie of course. i feel like i've drifted far from my outside relationships. maybe too far?

10. What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

letting go of the need for perfection.

11. In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

i feel like i've got a better hold on where i spend my energy dollars. i realized not everything in the world is about me. adopted a more accepting attitude of what is and let go of my attachment to what i think it 'should be'.

12. In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

studied more of the Buddhist path. a lot of my peace filled moments come directly from those studies. i also think i may have finally found a spiritual place of worship. (universal unitarian) will explore that more is 2010.

13. In what way(s) did you grow physically?

i think i may have gone backwards in this department.

14. In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

ties in very closely with my emotional growth. accepting my relationships for what they are and allowing the people i share them with to be flawed. (except for cleo, i can't seem to let her be. in my heart i want so much more for her. will need to work on this.)

15. What was the most enjoyable area of managing your home?

just having a place that finally feels like home is the best part!

16. What was your most challenging area of home management?

finding a rhythm of cleaning that doesn't leave anyone waking up wondering whether or not they have clean socks. balancing home management with my school work.

17. What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

still the internet. need to tame the beast. tv is a close second. although i have much less guilt about that.

18. What was the best way you used your time this past year?

attending college. i'm just that much closer to my goals. woohoo!

19. What was the biggest thing you learned this past year?

it's my need for perfection and control that makes me unhappy. when i let go of those needs things become lovely on their very own.

20. Create a phrase or statement that describes 2009 for you.

a year spent standing in line. not sure what we're waiting for but it's one it's way.

Purple Musings

2009-12-28T15:53:00.003-06:00

So as much as I couldn't get enough green last fall I'm feeling purple for this new year. I'm devouring it and incorporating it in massive quantities. Not just any purple will do. There are some very beautiful, subtle plum & gray blog layouts out there but I'm looking for a knock your socks off bright, vibrant purple. Maybe that's what I'm looking for: vibrancy? Yes, vibrancy sounds perfect for the end of December and on into the long months of winter.

Christmas was wonderful. Of course. We had an enchanted quiet day. Son loved his gifts and is still happily playing with them. He makes a circuit from his dragon castle to his car legos, to the piano, to his leapfrog tag junior and on and on. It's so good to hear him playing and using his imagination (at last!). A couple weeks ago they had someone come into his school and share snakes with his class. He got to pet one and ever since snakes (usually in the form of mardi gras necklaces) have made a regular appearance in his play as well. He is much more aware of Christmas this year and has many of it's symbols down pat: snowmen, santa, reindeer. His favorite song is "Up on the Rooftop" and he makes the clopping sounds too. Although this morning he was laying on the bed while I was folding laundry and all the sudden he started singing jingle bells. It fills my heart, it feels like we waited so long to hear his sweet voice and when he sings my happy levels go off the charts.

I may or may not have been acting like a Nazi Christmas Elf on Christmas Eve trying to get my list 'checked off' so we could then enjoy Christmas. I may or may not have had to be reminded the real purpose of family and magick and of course joy. So I opted to forgo the crazy and exhausting cooking of the Christmas feast and just throw a pre-made lasagna & garlic bread in the oven and call it good. Charlie's mom, dad and brother came down. We ate and watched Star Trek (the new one) on blueray. I was slightly obsessed with cooking Christmas treats the way mom used to when I was a kid. I picked each of our favorites (toffee for Charlie, sugar cookies for Son and short bread for me) and then set about making all of them. On Christmas Eve. On Christmas day we also had apple pie & it wouldn't be Christmas without Dad's cheesecake. So we ended up with 5! desserts for our little family of 3. Last year I was obsessed with having a linen tablecloth like mom's. I was convinced that Christmas couldn't come without one. I don't know what next year with bring as I struggle to incorporate my remembered childhood favorite things with my new small family. I want so badly for Son to feel the same magick and wonder and I know it's not what's under the tree because all these years later I only remember what I got one year (a doll when we lived in NV) but I clearly remember the music and cooking, the linens and the sledding, the decorating and being so filled with excitement and anticipation I almost couldn't stand it! Next year perhaps.

This week is the week Charlie waits for all year. The week he can just stay home and do nada. We have no plans. There are a few things that could/should be done: we need to buy more soda, change out the movies at blockbuster and take his folks some ham. (I cooked Christmas dinner yesterday) We started talking about the 'list' for today several hours ago, he is napping, son is playing and I'm writing to you. The occasional deep breathe and total avoidance of the clock is needed on my part to really enjoy these lazy days. I thrive on routine and schedule and like my mother can't really relax until everything is done. I'm working on that. Part of my 'letting go of the need for perfection' lesson of 2009. It helps. Yesterday Charlie and I lay on top of our bed sharing the head phones and listening to the ipod together with Son popping in every now and then to show a toy or request some juice. It was one of those perfect moments where we both ended up singing and saying nonsense things like:

Charlie: oohh I love this one! Get my tambourine Mother!! (whole wide world - wreckless eric)

Me: if I was stranded on a desert island with an ipod and 10 songs, this would be one of them. (teenagers - my chemical romance)

Son: juicey please!

Wishing many of these perfect moments find their way into your heart and home during this last week of 2009.

Float On

2009-12-22T15:44:00.002-06:00

I backed my car into a cop car the other day.
Well he just drove off, sometimes life's OK.
I ran my mouth off a bit too much, oh what did I say?
Well you just laughed it off, it was all OK.

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK.
And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on anyway.

Well, a fake Jamaican took every last dime with that scam.
It was worth it just to learn some sleight of hand.
Bad news comes, don't you worry even when it lands.
Good news will work its way to all them plans.
We both got fired on exactly the same day.
Well we'll float on, good news is on the way.

And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on OK.
And we'll all float on OK. And we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on.
No don't you worry. We'll all float on.
Alright, already. We'll all float on.
Alright, don't worry. We'll all float on.

And we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on.
Alright, don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy.
We'll all float on.

Alright already, we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on OK.
Don't worry, we'll all float on.
Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on.
Alright already, we'll all float on alright.
Don't you worry, we'll all float on.
We'll all float on.

***********************************************************************************
and so my little blog and my little family float on towards the new year. thanks for hanging in there as I reevaluate what I want to do with this blog and how to move forward in the coming year with my crazy school schedule. (did I really sign up for 6 classes next semester!) I'll see you all in the new year and best warm wishes for a very merry Christmas.

-E

Date Night

2009-10-26T20:24:00.004-05:00

Was huge success.

We went to a local driving range and hit 200 balls. It's only the second time I've been and the last time was 4 years ago! It was so exciting when I actually hit the ball and heard that CRACK! as it went sailing. (ok, only about 80 yards) It was so nice and cool out & wonderful to be outside for a while. Ah, I loved it! I even saw a hawk fly across the range.

And afterward, amaretto gelato at my favorite little bakery.

From Where I Sit

2009-10-21T10:12:00.006-05:00

THE WATER IS TOO COLD TO SWIM UNTIL NEXT SPRING.

BUT THERE IS STILL LOTS OF WATER PLAY HAPPENING AROUND HERE.

AND THERE IS EVEN SOME FALL CLEANING GOING ON.

Midway Through

2009-10-20T09:49:00.004-05:00

Well I survived the final week of my English class complete with 2 papers, 2 A&P tests, 1 ASL test and some sinus junk from hell. (even now if this post doesn't make much sense I blame the meds) I couldn't have done it if Charlie's mom who graciously came down a couple mornings and played with Son while I worked worked worked without interruption. The good news is that all that work paid off. I got an A in my English class (99 out of 100 total possible points), 100% on one A&P test and 97% on the other. I haven't gotten back my ASL test yest but I don't have such high aspirations for it since I missed all three classes when he went over those signs and devoted the least amount of time to studying that class. But the good news is that I MADE IT! Whew!

Now on to the other slightly more important bits of my life. Everything was on hold last week and this week I'm working double time to catch up. I've got half done Halloween decorations ala Martha Stewart, mostly deep cleaned bathrooms (still need to mop) and a whole pile of toys and clothes to sort. Still I love Fall. The last couple weeks have been hot during the week and cool on the weekends and a clear crisp October day will lifts anyone's spirits.

Yesterday Son and I took what I think will be the last pool dip of the season. It was perfectly warm even a little hot in the sun but the water was so cold that I could barely stand it. I think that may have been the first time I've ever not dunked my head under, it was that cold. Son of course loved it. He paddled and splashed and had the best time. Makes me almost wish they heated the pool in the winter even though it would be a huge waste of resources. Almost.

The pumpkin patch is a must this weekend. We were all set to go this past Sunday when Charlie came in with the news that my back tire was almost flat. (Like we needed to spend more money on the van this month, grrr.) They are doing Zoo Boo on the 31st so I'm not sure if we're going this weekend or next but of course we're going. It feels almost like the fourth of July, you wait all year for it and then it's a huge amount of stuff packed into a very short weekend since the Houston Symphony is also doing their Hocus Pocus Pops on Friday the 23rd at the pavilion as well. I would have to miss class for that one so I don't know if we'll make it or not. The Texas Ren Fest runs through November so I've got plenty of time for that still. All in all I'm looking forward to the busyness of the next couple of weeks and continuing the small family traditions that we've created.

Now to finish those decorations & order a costume for a special boy I know.

btw - I know the blog layout is wonky. Nothing I've tried so far has worked to fix it but to be honest I haven't used the hours it usually takes to make it look the way I want. Please bear with me for the next couple weeks.

In Quotes

2009-10-13T23:52:00.001-05:00

Reason #3479 I married this man.

"Our motto is not: Let's Be Perfect. It's: All Go, No Quit. We're doing the best we can with what be have. Chin up, now charge the mountain."

~in my moment of doubt & despair

Mother's Words

2009-10-07T11:21:00.003-05:00

Some words. phrases. are passed on from mother to daughter.
Small things I would not notice were it not for my clever ear

hearing my mother's voice as those (now dear) words
brush past my lips

you need to find something else todo
did you turn off the water
night. love you. seeyouinthemorning
where does it hurt

Words that connect me tightly to that wise (now old) woman when I miss her

across 2402.42 miles + 1.83 years away

Other words. phrases. should never be spoken by any mother
For I love All Mother(s) too much to wish on them these words. phrases.

we share a common bond(age) you know

you had better not be playing with the plunger again

the dear wise old woman says she kept hers hidden for years

a too heavy sigh. ok, show mommy where the poop is
wait! then where did you put your peas

for the boy has no loyal dog to conspire away his vegetables with

where does it hurt

Words that connect me tightly. so tightly to that young S(u)n

burning brightly in my heart

October-ing We Go

2009-10-06T07:07:00.004-05:00

Well hello there, I know it's been an atrociously long time since I've been here. I apologize. Between the computer thing (I have a shiny new laptop now), the school thing (just one more week of 3 classes) and just a plain lack of inspiration I haven't had much to write. September passed in a flash and believe me, you didn't miss much. I think there was a Zoo visit in there somewhere but other than that it was all a semi-panicked massively chaotic blur of a month where everyone in my little family held on tightly to each other while we tried to ride out the storm. The storm is of course the seemingly crushing workloads that Charlie and I are under while still trying to nurture Son and keep the household running. Not that October is looking any lighter but it feels different already.

So October-ing we will go. I love October. It's noticeably cooler (well, for the most part, the heat index is 110F today but supposed to be 75F by Saturday) there are so many cool things going on and best of all next week sometime I'm done with this darn English class and down to just ASL and A&P. Oh wait, you didn't think I forgot Zoo Boo did you? And this year I'm pressing to finally make it to the Texas Ren Festival. After fours years of talking about it Charlie and I finally made it to The Container Store just this past weekend and I have great hopes that the Ren Faire will be the next crossed off the list of things we've talked about for years but haven't actually done yet. I need to get busy and figure out a costume for Son. I know he would love to be a whale if I could figure out how to make one, I'm pretty sure he would also like to be a panda (ala Kung Fu Panda) or Buzz Lightyear. Buzz Lightyear is the easiest since I can buy those pre-made. All the Kung Fu Panda stuff looks really cheap or too warm so I'd rather make our own. And well you know whales are becoming more and more scarce these days and I haven't been able to find a good tutorial on the internet on how to make one into a costume. I'd like to do a little decorating this year and maybe just a touch of trick or treating. I think Son would love it once he caught on. Maybe a street fair like we did a couple years ago?? A trip or two to the pumpkin patch is definitely in order as well as some pumpkin pancakes. Pumpkin muffins from Target are already back on the menu and chai tea made with lots of milk and honey and freshly grated nutmeg is a must.

And so my friends, that's my October plans chock full of goodness. The change of seasons, the coming of winter, warm yummy bits of goodness baked or created or experienced and always shared with those I love. I hope that this October finds you well and peace-full.

True Colors

2009-09-08T10:30:00.002-05:00

Beautiful...

Read Me!!

What We've Been Up To

2009-09-02T16:01:00.004-05:00

I know it's been slow posting these last couple of weeks. It feels like so much has changed/is changing and yet remarkably much is the same.

Our New Art Display Wall

We're adjusting and readjusting to the new school schedules both mine and Son's. He was set to go to Pre-K in the morning but after the first day we (the teacher and Charlie and I) decided that the afternoon class was a better fit. It was smaller and if I'm completly honest ~~and selfish~~ that means I don't have to wake up early to get Son to school or give up 1 1/2 of my three hours while he's at school to go to the gym. Now we can both go to the gym in the morning (not that we have as of yet) and then go to school in the afternoon. Somewhere in there is time for cooking, cleaning, laundry and play. I have to fight the urge to do that while he's at school and use those three hours for study time. It's a work in progress. The evening schedule is just as messy: Mon, Tues, Thurs, Fri & sometimes Sun I'm not home to do the night time ritual. Part of me loves that Charlie and Son now have some built in bonding time while they learn to take care of each other the other part of me is slightly jealous to give up that treasured time of feeding, bathing, and reading to Son. Since he eats lunch at school we now just have breakfast together and let's face it, that's usually super casual around here if we even eat at the same time. So in lieu of gym we've been doing art time & playing balloon volleyball (today with his foam swords!), blowing bubbles and some sporadic cleaning. It works for now but I think next week we'll be back at the gym and enjoying our 'time' together for the 1 1/2 hours I get him in the evening. It's a weird mix of loss/change and relief/feeling like I can breathe.

(L) Son's Fall Map (R) My Maple Leaf

Today is Wednesday and he's all mine. I'm thinking rice & beans for dinner (no joke, it's good!) and then a long bath complete with through teeth brushing and last but not least 2! whole chapters of Inkspell (Anyone else think it's much better than Inkheart the book? (I loved the movie!)) It makes me happy. The simple nothings and daily rhythms of my life. Shifting, changing and moving forward towards my dreams... the stars... and pure awesomeness...

(R) Son's Ash Leaf (L) My Fall Map

Oh, and before I get too mushy and drift away on a cloud of good intentions I should also tell you about our wish list for fall, complete with a stroke of brilliance on how to display it in my office. Son and I have been gearing up for fall in a hardcore fashion. It only got up to 90F today - not only does that rock but that tells me that we are almost ready to start taking on Fall-like adventures. Since I'm partly in charge of making the seasons feel like magic for a particular young man I know I've started early with what I want to accomplish and am happily plotting and planning how to make it happen. (With frequent consults with Charlie since he's also partly in charge and comes in handy when I need a tether to keep from flying away in my daydreams of the non-existent but still alluring perfect fall season) We started with making a map of the season with what we want to do, you can see that mine is a little more concrete and Son's is a little more abstract but you get the point. We've got a cruise and Zoo Boo and Turkey's and camping and the list goes on. We've also started coloring leaves for the season and talking about why leaves turn colors and trees go to sleep even though it may be a little premature. But where to hang all of our lovely creations? Being the good little consumer that I am I've been wanting a few of these to hang on the wall of my office for art, pictures and inspiration. However, we're in a no frivolous spending cycle (ala Dave Ramsey) so I came up with a couple tacks, some embroidery floss and some paper clips. I love it! Not only does it do exactly what I wanted while looking the was I wanted it to I came up with it! I solved the solution using only what I had on hand and it feels great!

What are you plans for fall? And creations going on at your house?

How to speak Norwegian like a Norwegian

2009-09-01T19:25:00.002-05:00

OMG I love YouTube!! (I have actually been doing school work too, lol) btw - Someone should point Cleo in the direction of Norway for her next holiday.

Summer Recap

2009-08-25T10:01:00.004-05:00

So the end of summer has officially landed at our home. It's been rainy and cloudy for at least part of the day most of this last week which means that it's been in the low to mid 90's instead of the 100's. It feels like fall is well and truly coming even though we still have another month or so before it really starts to get comfortable again. Yesterday I was able to sit out on the porch with Son and teach him how to blow is own bubbles and in the shade with the breeze (it was just about to rain) it actually felt good to be outside. A huge sigh of relief and contentment went through me and I felt this tension between my shoulders release. Ahhh... summer is over even if fall isn't quite here yet.

This summer turned out to be the usual mix of fun and cabin fever/depression. I have no intentions of spending another summer in the south but that aside I would like to review just a few of my intentions for this summer, set out back in May.

Over all most of these did not happen but the foundation that they were supposed to set did.

For example: Between moving and sending Son to a private school for the summer we didn't have much resources left over for things like golfing, knitting lessons or decorating our apartment. But on the same hand because of our tight budget we spent a great deal more time reading, playing in the pool and eating at home. All of which were super important to me to implement. Charlie and I did get a couple dates in there, most recently we went to a Momma Mia sing-a-long at the Miller Outdoor Theater (I forgot my camera) and had an awesome time. I'm still working on getting Son a keyboard to start music lessons and Charlie and I are plotting and planning a way to get a decent sound system for the house since we both feel that music is vitally important but strangely missing from our days. However, we have BBQ'd, had Charlie's family down more often, actually celebrated Son's birthday the way we had hoped and spent more time at the gym.

I would call it a successful work in progress. I'll be tweaking a few things here and there and setting my intentions for this fall very soon. Only this time I'll print up a nice copy and hang it on my cork board for changing habit and doing foundation work requires both intention and attention. There were no serious bouts of drama like in past years, just a quiet mom and Son counting down the days until we can emerge from our air conditioned cave and fill our days with busy adventures. On the calendar: beach trips, camping, more Miller Outdoor Theater, Zoo Boo (it's almost that time again), pumpkins and whatever tasty life affirming adventures that come our way.

How was your summer?

First Day

2009-08-24T09:51:00.003-05:00

Heading for the door.

One last hug.

Right where I left him.

He didn't cry. Neither did I. Charlie, well....

Come Together

2009-08-18T13:06:00.006-05:00

Just a little music to set the mood. No this post isn't about Aerosmith, but with a title like that how could I resist?

Sometimes we wish to see the big picture. I'm usually content with the small one but I've occasionally wondered into the forest of: what the hell is going on and why. I know that I'm just one thread in the Pattern and so are you. Luckily our threads are wound together, or next to each other or at least within email distance. When I can lift my head up just enough I can catch glimpses of what is going on around me and every now and then I get to say to myself "oooooooh, that's why. Very i n t e r e s t i n g." And just as quickly I'm sucked back under into my day to day life. I have a pretty good idea why I'm here, where I'm going and what my plans are to get there.

However, the Universe often has it's own ideas about the course of my life. And over the last few years it's been sending me secret messages (ok, not secret but wouldn't that be cool) about what I should be doing to best help me accomplish my mission. Now these messages are in Universe language, not mine so I don't always know what they mean exactly. It's like a giant puzzle. And awesomeness of awesomeness lately, in one aspect, it seems to be coming together. This aspect has to do with food, addiction and caring for this body.

Now if your thread has been next to mine for any amount of time you know that this is a big deal to me. This body of mine is (unfortunately) rapidly deteriorating. It is my biggest road block to my hearts desire and to seizing the life experiences that I want. I'm sure this isn't the first time I've told you about a new moment, or idea that will hopefully propel me to good health. It probably won't be the last given this is a huge challenge for me this life time but I think I'm starting to see a bit more of the bigger picture.

Universe Code:
1. A stray thought wondering how people can be so fat they become bedridden.
Answer: They are in pain. Real physical pain and it hurts to move in a debilitating way.

2. Vicious Fear Cycle. I am afraid I'll be bedridden -> I'll exercise -> I'm afraid I'll get hurt and become bedridden. -> Inactivity and thus more weight and pain-> I'm afraid I'll be bedridden.
And repeat ad nauseam.
Answer: Do not let fear dictate your life. It will immobilize you in more ways than one.

3. Addiction. A causal mention on The Biggest Loser to food addiction - 4 seconds that struck home like a gong. Several months later at a urgent care clinic (for something else completely) a gentle reminder that I need to do something about my food addiction or die from it, told to me as if it was common knowledge that I had a food addiction. (I guess I missed that memo.) Brosia telling me about a Deepak Chopra book on addictions. Mom telling me about a Deepak Chopra book on addictions.
Answer: I am addicted to food. Get the book. Read part of it and realized my addiction does not serve my mission. That may sound like a duh! statement but it was a huge realization. Pair that with what I learned about daily recapitulation (from the same book) and I've got a recipe for awareness. Awesome.

4. Whole Foods. Katie and Gillian McKeith. Tried this and failed, horribly. Son's weight & ASD, good food is imperative to helping him thrive. Blogs about other things that have inspiring women who eat naturally. Shitload of books and ideas about whole foods, bought the foods, don't know what to do with them. Food as medicine.
Answer: Raw Food Detox Diet by Natalia Rose. No, I'm not going raw foods but her insights brought it all together for me. The light came on and I get it now.

5. Saul died.
Answer: Life is short. Death is real. As Mr. Plum says: This is it!

6. 10 year high school reunion. A good healthy look at who I was, what I thought I wanted, what I accomplished in the last 10 years and what I want to accomplish in the next 10. Creating my Mission Statement.
Answer: Know what it is your after & why.

And I'm sure there many more little messages laying in the dark recesses of my mind that the Universe has sent along. Point being, that I get it! I get how my addiction doesn't serve my higher purpose. I get how to disconnect my emotions from food and how to use food to heal this body. I get how to use food to heal my family & serve our family mission statement. It sort of all came crashing and bumping together in the last week. All of these disconnects in my mind, body and soul have finally come together. And you know how I feel? Calm. Ready. Capable.

Things are changing. I'm preparing myself for my mission. I'm preparing my family for our mission. It's not a lightening bolt epiphany but the closing of a circuit. (Think the Chevy Chase on Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, finally getting the lights to come on. The trying and failing. The stumbling in the dark. A little help from my friends. The tantrum. The Universe's own perfect time. Hallelujah! Yes, it's a good example.) It feels good to step away from the fear and away from the addiction and towards my life. The way it is meant to be.

Other things that are coming together:
My understanding of money and how to make it work for my family.
My understanding of preparedness and Armageddon myths.
My understanding of how to help Son in concrete ways.

What's coming together where your at?

Learning to Share

2009-08-17T13:07:00.009-05:00

Coloring Whales, working hard.

Ok. I admit it. I'm terrible at sharing. What's mine is mine is mine. But unfortunately in the real world (as in not Emmy-Land) I have to share all the time. I have to share the road, share the bed, share my food and lately I've had to share my office.

One of the reasons that we got the three bedroom apartment instead of the two is so that I would finally have an office. (although I think Charlie secretly had hopes for a guest bedroom) After 5 years of using the kitchen table or an upside down laundry basket for a desk and even claiming a small closet once I finally have my very own office. No, it's not fancy. I've not had the resources to put into buying the furniture or decorating the room so it's still a mish mash of whatever was available to me but it's mine. I Feng Shui-ed it the other day and it now feels so good to be in here. Working on my blog, reading about ASD, organizing the books, papers and files and preparing for school to start soon, I love it all! Part of the idea of having my own office was to have a place where I could leave all the cords and electronics out without worrying about small little fingers messing with them.

So much for the best laid plans. For one, none of the outlets work in the office. I don't know why and have yet to have the office cleaned and the laundry room cleaned (where the breaker box is) at the same time so I can call maintenance to come and look at it. So my printer is on a chair next to the door and I'm very grateful that my laptop's new power cord is extra long since both are plugged in out in the hall. For two, as much as I would like to, I can't bring myself to shut the door when I'm in there and Son is not. Baby gates no longer work on him so we are stuck together. (Not exactly a newsflash but for some strange reason I thought my office would be different.) At first I felt intruded upon when he started bringing his toys in, then I got grouchy when I was constantly telling him to leave my printer alone. I did have a late night thought about maybe using the other half of the room to do Son's therapy stuff in but dismissed it almost immediately in lieu of MY space. Then... he dragged his table and chair from his room into my office. My inital thought was "Hell no! What's next the crib?" But then I suddenly saw it for what it really was. A need, a desire to just be with me. To have my attention, to mimic me, to learn from me. It finally clicked and my urge to kick him out of MY space was gone.

How could I resist?

We picked a perfect spot in the room for the table where he's close to me but can still see out the window and where I won't trip over him trying to move about the room. I told him the rules about playing with Mommy's cords & electronics (he's still learning) and then I printed him off some whale pictures and gave him some 'work' to do. This is now one of our favorite rooms in the house. Yes, it's an extra room to make the nightly pick-up-Son's-stuff rounds in. Yes, I still step on his small very painful toys. Yes, he brings his bike in and plays that infernal toy radio till I think I'll go mad. But... it's becoming such a special place for us both to learn and grow in. He pulls his chair up to my desk and we watch you tube videos about whales, or I give print out a new coloring sheet and let him go to town while I read to him fun whale facts.

I wanted to home school. I wanted to be like the women who are on my blog roll to the right. I wanted to bring arts and crafts and foster and environment of creativity into our home. So many things I wanted to do and teach that I can see now are possibilities, if only I open the door and share. Thanks Son for that lesson. I needed it.

School Plans

2009-08-13T10:01:00.003-05:00

I'm so excited for school.

We had such a great experience with Son attending a Montessori school 2 days a week that we didn't want it to end. Despite his numerous illnesses he seemed to make really great strides with his vocabulary and socialization. He quit having trouble separating from me the second week and this has even carried over into taking him to the gym. He would come home so happy and content that it made our time together more peaceful.

School starts the 24th for him and we are in the throes of getting ready. Adjusting our sleep/wake schedule to accommodate getting him to school at 8am (8:30 was tough for us @ the Montessori and there are still days that 9am for the gym seems unattainable). Son is like me in that he doesn't usually eat right when he wakes up and so we are slowly but urgently making that adjustment as well. I've been working on the night time routine too. Its really a routine overhaul going on at our house right now. I don't want to jinx it but Son gave up his bottle over the weekend with out a great deal of drama or trauma. WOOT! In my mind he seems to be sleeping better (at least I don't remember having to wake up as many times in the night to check on him) which is awesome. I'm working on a better bedtime routine that includes a bath every night which he will need after attending school. It's a big change for us since we've always limited his baths to help with his skin. A nice gentle bed time routine to ease him into sleep. Yep, that's what we need and it's in the works.

I registered him on Monday and was modesty impressed with the staff and building. It still amazes me that they build these schools (this one was built in 2003) to not have windows for the classrooms. It just seems wrong to me. The student body is about 600 pre-k through 5th graders which is a bit bigger than I had hoped but not too bad. The staff was in the expected beginning of school chaos and I'll need to call back next week to get any real information such as when we can meet his teacher and the therapists that will be working with him, in addition to the drop off pick up routine and potty training concerns. But I do know that he will be in the morning class five days a week, that's a good start.

There was a mother there who was signing up her son and became very obnoxious when she heard I was registering my son for preschool. "Why couldn't her daughter be registered? Oh, a disability? Well if I could get someone to say that my daughter couldn't speak GOOD, then could she be registered?" And she went on. One of the ladies handing the registration stepped in and guided her away from me. I was grateful for her consideration and tact. I was shaking with outrage. I bit my lips to keep from shouting all the things that were swirling through my mind. Mainly I was thinking: Are you fucking kidding me? I can feel my anger ball igniting just typing about it so we're moving on. But I still can't believe that people would want their child to have disabilities just so they could get free daycare. Ugh.

Next up is buying school supplies and clothes. I'm so excited for this. It's such a great ritual and a real sign to me that fall is on it's way. All I feel is relief and anticipation about us getting back into a nice orderly schedule. About time.

For me school starts the same week. My first class is Tuesday. I'm taking American Sign Language I (as an elective), Composition & Rhetoric II as an 8wk online course, and finally Anatomy & Physiology I. I'm shaking in my boots about A&P, to me it is a defining course. Will I like it? Do I have a knack for it? Will I hate it and never want to see the human body again? I don't know. Plus the fact that I've hear it's super hard with lots of memorization (which my memory sucks!) and I have to get and A in it in order to be considered for the nursing program has led to a great deal of pressure and dread and I haven't even started the course yet. *Deep Breath* It will be fine. I can excel at anything I set my mind to, this is no exception. After I finish this A&P course with an A I will have the option to apply for the 2 year (associates degree) nursing program. I need the 4 year (bachelors degree) in order to go on and become a midwife (masters degree). I can do it 2 years at a time or just throw myself into the deep end of the 4 year degree, which is what I'm inclined to do. We'll see.

I'm excited to be going back to school as well. Anxious, obviously, but I still can't believe that I'm actually doing it after all those years of wanting to. It's such a great feeling of accomplishment at the end of every semester and I can see the goal line glowing so many years before me.

So those are our school plans. I'm hoping that once I get into nursing school I can coax Charlie back to school as well. He wants to get his masters degree. He thinks business, I think marine engineering but we've got to get him there first. He may have to get another bachelors degree in order to raise his GPA enough to be accepted into a masters program. I think either mathematics or education since I know he would be a great math teacher and think he would like doing that as older gentleman going into retirement. (If he can teach me math, he can teach anyone.) That's a long ways off yet, I think, but it's also on the horizon.

I'm just relieved to have Son in school getting the therapy and socialization he needs. I'm glad I'm in school so that in time I can contribute to our families financial success while doing something that I feel called to do. I'm so happy that fall is coming and I can feel it. I'm excited about getting back into a routine and our days being filled with a happy order to them. Growing and learning and heading into the cool season. What could be better than that?

My Day Off

2009-08-12T10:58:00.004-05:00

Seat belt? Check. Apple juice? Check. Off to the races.

Last Thursday I took the day off. I had done all of my work the day before and was so happy to wake up to a clean house with a whole day to do nothing but what would please me. A peaceful luxurious day of me. Awesome.

I wanted to leave the house by 9:30am but didn't fret when it was closer to 10am. No set schedule, just a general outline and a determination to have fun. First stop: the CoinStar station at Kroger. Since Charlie and I are doing the Dave Ramsey thing (still working out the kinks) I had to have a way to fund this little pleasure cruise. I raided my Bailey's jar, yes I still have it, and took my precious coins to the money changer. It was a bit disappointing turnout as 800 pennies can be quite deceiving but it was still more than ample for our day. Son and I headed to McDonald's and bought some apple juice. (Part of the day off was not having to plan and pack several toddler survival packs of clean clothes, snacks, toys etc. I just took a diaper, some wipes and a hope and a prayer, it was very liberating.) We were on the road.

Next stop was a resale shop that had caught my eye some time back. As you know I love the idea of doing new things and going new places but sometimes my anxiety will get in the way. However, not this day, my day off from anxiety as well. We walked in the store, walked up and down the kitchen isles and had an almost instant find. An ice cream machine! Just the kind I wanted with the wooden bucket. You may recall from last summer that I desperately wanted an ice cream machine but couldn't justify a new one when there were used ones for less than half the price, I just had to find it. They wanted $14.99 for it and I scooped it up while stifling a small WHOOP of joy. Next I perused the linens while Son looked at the toys. I was dithering over a beautiful but over priced table cloth when Son brought to my attention a 'Honny Monny' (Handy Manny) tool set. Actually it was a wooden set several years old but never opened and I'm not sure which of us fell harder for it. A quick stop to pay at cash register and we were out the door. Flush the excitment of our new found treasures.

We were planing on stopping by a tapioca restaurant but they were still closed so we pressed on to Goodwill. I found a simple heavy white cotton t-shirt for son (for and upcoming project) and he found some new sunglasses. Then we were on our way to Target for some pre-budget-approved purchases of a pastry knife & tart pan. I was hoping to find them at one of the resale shops but wasn't going home without them. Next we stopped by and picked Charlie up for lunch. A chicken sandwich lunch on the road, dropped Charlie back at work and then home to regroup and see if we were up for more.

We were. After about an hour at home I decided that we would be especially brave and go to the library. I had books due and more ready to pick up, plus it was the end of summer celebration for the kiddos. I've had some bad experiences with Son at the library but today was my day off from bad experiences with Son so we pressed on. First stop, dropping and acquiring new books. Success. Then we joined the end of summer shindig just in time to watch some square dancing and get a balloon. I was disappointed and thought it was very lacking in both organization and fun but Son left with a helium balloon and couldn't have been more happy. Until he found the water fountain and wanted to go for a dip. Since it was out side and he refused to let me tie the balloon on his wrist or hold it for him I decided it was better to take him back to the car and save the balloon than let him play in the fountain and lose the balloon. Either way there would be tears, either way I didn't let it bother me. Ahem.

Cookie anyone?

We then stopped by the bakery which is one block over. We went inside and sampled some gelato. Oh I love gelato and find it to be a necessity for when your are giving yourself a rare treat. We got one scoop of watermelon, one scoop of caramel and a chocolate chip cookie. This was one scoop and 1/2 cookie too much. I also got Son a bottle of chocolate milk and myself a bottle of artesian root beer. We enjoyed our treats but after about 4 minutes it was clear it was time to leave. I chugged my root beer, which apparently I'm out of practice cause I don't remember chugging any kind of beer to be that difficult. Maybe it was because Son had found the honey bear on the coffee bar and was about to assault the floor with it? Either way we got out of there without any real trauma and headed home. Exhausted but full of happy memories of my day off.

(I didn't cook that night either. Charlie picked up some Chinese food. Divine.)

The ride home, balloon in hand, couldn't have been happier.

Xploration Station

2009-08-11T10:36:00.003-05:00

So what were we doing at the mall on a fine Saturday morning? (After a very late HP6 show on a rare Friday date night.) Son and I were at Xploration Station, a satellite for the Houston Museum of Natural Science, and we were exploring of course. There were dinos, florescent rocks, frogs, bugs, sharks & a lab where a paleontologist was uncovering real bones. Oh yeah, and a giant turtle. I know I've given Cleo shit about her giant turtle stories but this thing blew my mind away. I'm pretty sure it was about 12ft across. Unfortunately I couldn't get son to stand in front of it in the picture to give it a frame of reference but you'll have to trust me when I tell you that if you were on a sinking island this is the turtle you'd hope was swimming by. (I've also recently watched Knowing with Nicolas Cage & was reminded about a 'talk' Cleo and I had about spinning wheels in Book of Ezekiel. Hmm... maybe the old girl was onto something.) They also had a giant shell (4ft+) with a giant pearl as well as many other giant specimens and I'm pretty sure that's why I've been having dreams about giant creatures the last few days. Son loved the paleontology lab the best. It was quiet and he could climb up to watch the girl work or sit at the table to color pictures (or rather line up the crayons) and he got to pick his very own rock to keep. Over all we had a lot of fun & learned a lot. I can't wait to take Charlie and go back.

Without further ado I give you our morning at the museum:

From Outter Space

2009-08-10T08:18:00.004-05:00

The sweetest thing, that look of love.

Oh yeah I'm back. Thanks for sticking with me through my unplanned break from blogging. There were the cord issues and then there was just my issues. I'm pretty sure they've been resolved (the cord issues for sure) & I'm ready to blog again.

August is here. Just Friday I told Charlie that I think if we can make it through August then we will be just fine. The next day I was almost convinced as I half carried half dragged a screaming crying Son out of the Mall and through the 103F 93% humidity to our ~~7th-circle-of-hell-mobile~~ oven-like van that I was not going to make it. I strapped Son in and handed him an apple juice upon which he promptly stopped crying. I blasted the air conditioning, which never seems cool enough this time of year, and had a good cry myself. Even among his peers (we were attending an autism playgroup at the museum in the mall) Son stuck out, overstimulated in all his wall sniffing, toe walking, hand flapping meltdown-y glory. I collected myself, gave the back seat a weary smile and drove home. Wore out from the soul out and it was only the 8th of August. Surprisingly many of our days go this way, first he cries then I cry then we go home. Like I said, if we can make it through August... we can make it. Yeah, we can make it.

Tomorrow is Charlie's birthday. We don't have any special plans but I did get him a little something. We do small thoughtful things that let each other know how very happy we are that the other was born on this particular day and that our paths, unlikely as it was, crossed each other. I will sing him the happy birthday song, give him his gift and for a special treat I'll try not to set off the smoke alarm when I make him dinner. For some reason in this new place I do that a lot. For some reason it really bothers him. And for some reason that makes me laugh, ~~at him~~. I am truly grateful to have him as my life partner. He loves me. Isn't that wonderful? And I love him too. See? it just works. Thank you Universe for Charlie and all the light he has shown on the dark landscape of my heart. And for his strong arms that wrap around me when I need it the very very most.

I have much more to share with you from my blogging break, my day off, my school plans and of course the coming to the end of summer recap. See you again very soon!

We Will Go Home

2009-08-07T14:56:00.001-05:00

Warning: It may make you cry.

Computer Issues

2009-07-30T09:13:00.001-05:00

More specifically power cord issues. As of this moment it's popping & spitting sparks. Should be resolved this weekend & I will return. Sorry for the absence.

Sister Hear Me Calling

2009-07-23T11:26:00.010-05:00

Brosia

Cleo

Doll

Doll & me.

Cleo & me in mom's moo moos. Oh dear!

Brigid, Miss C & baby Son. Aww...

Brosia & Cleo

The Grand Canyon, moving me to Texas Jan/2005.

The four of us, in a rare moment all together.

Missing all my sisters today. Love ya!

1000 Words

2009-07-22T14:24:00.001-05:00

I’ve started and stopped this post many times. While I think it’s a great idea in theory I’m a little intimidated by it, to have a word quota to aim for. I started it last week when I had lots to say but unfortunately I was having an off week and it came out rather glum. Then I tried writing it again a few days later and what do you know my fingernails were too long. I can’t type with long fingernails and hate cutting them so a few more days of procrastinating led us to yesterday. I was happy-ish, complete with short fingernails and ready to set my thoughts down on virtual paper when I found Mama Mia on TV and even though I told myself that I would just listen to the music I got drawn in and spent a good portion of the afternoon singing and dancing with Son. Today the afternoon flick is Robots and I’ve spent the morning doing my ‘work’ so now I can play.

I looked through some of my notes from last year and found that we are fast approaching the time when Charlie and I were considering the big D. (and I don’t mean Dallas) I remember very well how unhappy and pissed off I was that Charlie had changed the plan. Now with some time and space and perspective I think I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) but only in reverse of the usual. I get cabin fever, totally jealous of those able to enjoy the summer and ~~super bitchy~~ depressed. This year I am determined to enjoy every moment of fun and laughter that comes my way and FOCUS on that, not all the cool shit I’m missing out on. You know like camping and playing at the park and berry picking but I digress. This year I am happy to be in a place that the pool is actually open when they say it will be and that I don’t have to trudge up and down 2 sets of stairs to get there. This year I have a lawn that I can take Son out and run through the sprinklers in, it’s such an important part of being a kid in the summer I think. This year I have an awesome porch that I love to blow bubbles for Son to chase or grill fabulous dinners or just sit out on with a sweet salty margarita in hand and plot and plan and dream the time away with my husband. I still have dark days, and hard moments – thankfully it’s started raining here just in time to rescue me and my sanity from the doom of summer in the south. The other day I sat out on my porch as the wind howled, thunder crashed and rain blew in, it was so cleansing and refreshing and I think I’ll make it. Whew!

We finally have an explanation for Son’s reoccurring illness. As fate would have it when we took him to the doctor last week our doc was out of town and a new lady was filling in for him. Instead of giving my concerns the usual brush off we’ve been getting she said that it was probably a chronic sinus infection that takes 4 weeks of antibiotics to clear out for good. Three crying, screaming x-rays later we got confirmation and a prescription. I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have a real reason and a way to treat it. He is loving school and I’m glad that he’s well enough to go back to his 2 days a week. He has been making such awesome strides. He has started using words to get what he needs. He can pick out his own shirt in the morning and tell me if he wants to watch Robots or Shrek. I’ve caught him singing the Nye Nye song not only using the right words but also the right melody. He can tell me which one is a circle and match 4 different shapes without help. He tries new words, quit turning over his spoon and even ate some celery yesterday despite the difficult crunchy texture. It’s amazing, like watching my little boy wake up. We still have a long road ahead of us but I feel like we’re addressing all the needs laid out before us with the exception of teaching him to use his imagination. I feel a bit lost with this one which is so frustrating because I had such an active imagination as a kid – just can’t seem to figure out how to transfer that to Son. Any thoughts are appreciated. I got some books coming from the library on reflexology, I’m hoping that will help with his sensory diet and maybe stimulate his immune system.

Speaking of the library I’ve been doing a bit more reading. I’ve been reading Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover and love it. It is such basic information but is broken down in such a way that I ‘get’ it and really think we can get a handle on our money. It’s led to some great discussions with Charlie and more of a partnership where our finances are concerned which is wonderful. I’ve also finished The Duchess but I will need to write a separate post on because it touched me in so many ways. Charlie and I have been listening to The Eye of the World on his ipod before we go to sleep (we share his ear buds, awww… so sweet) but after years of being read to sleep I usually last less than 10 minutes before I’m snoring away. Still, I love the dreams about Rand-Land that follow. Our library has The Monarch of the Glen series and since I’ve been craving the UK like crazy lately that is also on its way to our home. I can’t wait!

More or less this summer is passing quite nicely. Filled with love and determined fun.

xoxo
-E

A Picture

2009-07-20T11:49:00.002-05:00

or two or three...

Playing in the sprinklers by our porch.

Doing it Texas style out in the BIG sprinklers.

Seizing the sweetness this summer has to offer.