>>>>>A Veg*n For Dinner

Hitting the Road Again...

2008-06-27T05:45:00.003-04:00

Hey everyone!

It's been a super busy week here at the old homestead. There was a garden to weed (sucks that I won't be here to chow down on all my lovely greens) clothes to wash and re-pack, doctor and dentist to visit, and borrowed uniform parts to dry clean and return to the fine people who loaned them to me.

It' s also been a hard slog this last few days, because as it turns out, both of my ears are badly infected. Probably a combination of the general rampant sickness that made it's rounds at the camp the previous three weeks, and the fact that I wore ear plugs almost every night to block out the sound of a couple dozen teenage gals carousing. (Not that I begrudge them their fun; hell, if I was nineteen again, I'd carouse too. In fact, at 38 I can still carouse pretty good when I put my mind to it.)

Anyway, In a day or so I'll be shoving off again for Camp Argonaut. Hopefully as a (now) staff member I'll have better access to a computer so I can update this blog. I'm also taking my digital camera this time, so I can show you all the dee-licious veggie food that Aramark Canada has dreamed up for us. (Ha!)

I'm also thinking about a new blog with a new direction when I return this fall. I actually think my (supposed) focus on food and cooking is holding me back.

Anyway, for now, be kind to yourselves out there and I'll check in when I get the chance.

Peace, and summertime wishes to you all!

Let's Just Say, I Wasn't Impressed.....

2008-06-24T06:20:00.006-04:00

Ok, the food. I knew going in that veganism at the CIC training school at CFB Gagetown was going to be difficult, if not impossible, and I was right. Vegetarian, no problem. Vegan, forget about it. (Unless you plan to limit yourself to potatoes and iceberg lettuce for the duration.)

I had already made the decision that I was willing to be, let's say, a pretty strict vegetarian for the length of my stay. That meant basically that I wasn't planning on quizzing the staff over the contents of the cookies and I did eat things like mac and cheese, when that was the vegetarian option for the day. (But not quiche. The kitchen folks seemed to love to make quiche as their veggie option, but my willingness to be a reasonable little veghead under the circumstances did NOT extend that far.)

Even so, I ate a shitload of potatoes in every form known to man, and more insipid boiled vegetables than I can properly relay to you here. I actually gained a few pounds the first week due to the stodginess of the food. I did appreciate what they were trying to do for me though, as I was the one and only vegetarian there. However, I do have a bone to pick with the powers-that-be in the kitchen, provided by Aramark Canada:

Why the hell do you have to put goddamn boiled broccoli in every goddamn dish?

Seriously folks, broccoli is good for you and all, ( as the snotty serving gal was quick to point out to me when I complained) but to me, nothing approximates pond scum more closely than broccoli that's been boiled within an inch of it's life. And broccoli in the lasagne? Please spare me.

(Oh, and Aramark,I'm sure you can do better that a can of plain diced tomatoes when it comes to making meatless pasta sauce. How's about we set up a meeting when I go back and I can show you some tricks of the trade? )

On that last night they had a BBQ, and even managed to come up with a veggie burger for me. It was delicious, and I made sure to tell the kitchen staff how much I liked it. I even strongly suggested that they could cook these anytime they didn't know what to give the veggie folks for dinner. (Hint Hint: Cook the veggie burger and leave the penne with the weird grey sauce for another day.)

I was so glad to get home and cook myself up some real food. (So was the rest of the family. My daughter tells me she missed my cooking more than she missed me. Plus Bob lost five pounds.) I had me some President's Choice Meatless Chicken with BBQ sauce one night, and I whipped up some spaghetti and red wine sauce last night for supper.

In other news, we had great fun on our biking trip to Keji....

Even at 38 years young, I find these little wobbly ride-on thingies irresistible.

I hope your summer is getting off to a good start too.

Peace!

I'm baaaaaaaack! (But Not for Long...!)

2008-06-22T07:38:00.010-04:00

Well, peeps, how the hell have you all been? I dragged my sorry ass home around supper time on Friday night, battered and bruised from a challenging three weeks at CFB Gagetown learning to be a good little officer. It's good to be home. I immediately requested a back rub, a cold beer, and some peanut butter toast, not necessarily in that order. But guess what?

I'm going back again this coming Sunday.

Yup, it's true. I've been offered a job for the summer at Camp Argonaut and I've accepted. I leave again this Sunday to go back for seven weeks. Both my kids will be attending the camp as well; Dan for two weeks and Courtney for three, so I'll definitely see them up there, although I will not be allowed to be in the same platoon as they are due to ethics issues. (And guess what? If they pass me on the street they'll have to salute me. Bwah hah hah hah ha.....)

It was a challenging three weeks of training, including some time spent out in the bush. Here's me getting ready for the long hike to our bivouac site....

...and showing my happy face mid-march.....

(Don't you just dig those ugly hats?)

And the more things change, the more they stay the same. I was elected to be the "chef" for our syndicate and boil our rations.

Not exactly a lot of skill involved with that job!

I also got to be certified as a Range Safety officer on the Daisy air rifle, which was a lot of fun.

One of the neatest things about the camp, in my humble opinion anyway, was the fact that it is full of groundhogs. You can see them all over the place, scurrying here at there. They're as cute as all get out.

And finally, I'm sure you're all wondering about the food. (Since this like, supposed to be a website about food and all...) Well, it was hit and miss, mostly miss I'm afraid. Tune in tomorrow and I'll fill you in. For now, I've got errands to run and people to see. Time's a wastin', folks!

Peace!

It May be Bye-Bye For a While, Folks!

2008-05-31T06:32:00.007-04:00

It's not a secret that I think very highly of the Army Cadet organization in which both my kids are involved, and in which I was also a member growing up. It is a youth organization for kids aged 12-18, with an emphasis on leadership, physical fitness, outdoor skills, adventure, orienteering, etc. None of it costs the parents a single dime; it is all paid for by the government. (That means that all kids can join, not just those whose parents have the financial means.)

Yes, it is also meant to generate interest among youth in choosing the Armed Forces as a career, but I have to say that not once when I was a cadet was that ever pushed or even suggested. Personally, I would be very proud if one or both of my children chose to serve their country in the armed forces. The Canadian army does a lot of good work around the world in their role as peacekeepers. I know there's plenty of folks who would disagree, and that's OK; that's what makes this country so great!

Anyway, the vast majority of the instruction and supervision that the kids receive is provided by a branch of the Armed Forces Reserve call the Cadet Instructor Cadre.

Well, my liitle snookie-pies, I have finally, after almost six months of interviews, medical tests and paperwork, (I had to pee in a cup twice) been accepted as a CIC Reservist. I leave for my Basic Officer Qualification training at CFB Gagetown first thing tomorrow morning.

I have been issued all manner of interesting gear, all in charming shade of green, which my cat seems to find very comfortable....

Yes, I have a picture of me in my brand new combat clothes, and no, I will not be showing you anytime soon, since I look like a bit of a douchebag in them right now. (I need to work on the little things, like getting my beret formed right and my boots laced up properly...)

I don't know yet what kind of access (if any) I will have to the internet. I will try to update you on all the news if possible, but if you don't see me for three weeks, then hey! I'll have that much more fun stuff to relay when I return.

So for the next little while, you all take care of yourself out there in blog land. I'm going to spend the rest of today chillin' with the family. Until we meet again, Peace.

Announcment!

2008-05-30T05:08:00.003-04:00

I have a big announcment for you all, folks! Those of you who've been lurking around for a while may remember that I alluded to my secrect "project" more than once. Well, exciting things have come to pass, and it has something to do with these......

Tune in tomorrow to find out!

If A Tree Falls on Your Treehouse.....

2008-05-27T05:11:00.003-04:00

....and no one is there to hear it, did it make a sound?

Yup, this is what we came home from work today to find. My beautiful willow tree chose this day to fall to pieces, and it wasn't even windy. Go figure. Luckily, the treehouse was built by my obsessive-compulsive husband, whose mantra happens to be "If you can't build something to withstand a category five hurricane, there's no point building it at all" so all is well.

In other news, tonight for supper was had non-veggie company (an extra kid, again) so I pulled out all the stops and made a kid-friendly "taco casserole", topped with corn chips and gobs of cheezy sauce.

It was really simple to make, too, and loosely based on this Hamburger Helper flavour.

And it so worked too, because yet another kid left our house totally lovin' him some veggie food. Not the healthiest, but tasty.

Busy week folks, so take care until we meet again. Peace!

Proud of My Rugrats.....

2008-05-25T09:09:00.014-04:00

So, this is the post in which I totally don't talk about food, or vegan issues, or anything even marginally relevant. This is the post in which I brag shamelessly about my two Poppets, who later today will have their final parade for their Army Cadet corps.

This was a big weekend for the group, starting with their participation in a huge "Red Rally" in support of Canada's troops. (No, not in support of war, in support of the troops. There's a difference, in case there happens to be protestors amongst my readership.) There certainly was at the parade...

(By the way, that's my daughter in this shot, front and centre.)

According to the kids, all along the parade route the anti-war folks were hollering at them to "look over here" at their protest signs. I say you can protest all you want, (in fact, I loves me a good protest now and again) just leave the kiddies out of it, please...

There were some Royal Canadian Mounted Police in the parade...I love 'em, but I could never be a mountie. Those jodphurs would make me look too hippy by far.

And there was also a pipe and drum band. I don't know why, but I can't hear the bagpipes without getting a little teary eyed. Then I dry my tears and spend my time speculating as to what they're wearing under the kilts.

The parade culminated with icy cold drizzle, hundreds of restless school children screaming and waving flags, and (unfortunately) rather long speeches from various dignitaries.

Last night, the cadets were treated to a formal "Mess Dinner", an event that I graciously agreed to serve at. It even culminated in the ceremonial "Passing of the Port." Since almost all the guests were children, this was replaced by organic de-alcholized red wine.

My daughter actually won the award for being the top Green Star, which is what they call you in your first year.

And both kids received awards for perfect attendence.

They certainly had a lot of fun this year, but no one can say it was always easy. There were lots of gruelling workouts (physical fitness is a huge component of the program) cold, wet slogs through the wilderness, and lots of time spent in the classroom learning things like map and compass, dress and deportment, and bushcraft. I just wanted to tell the whole damn world how very proud I am of both of them, and I hope they stick with the corps until they graduate. Kudos, Rugrats! Love, Mom....

Clean Up Week

2008-05-22T05:51:00.007-04:00

So, twice a year here in Hooterville we have what the Powers That Be like to call "Clean Up Week." Normally, we have very stringent regulations about what you can put out on garbage day, how much you can put out, the colour bag you plop it in, the whole nine yards. Two weeks a year, though, it's anything goes.

So, it's finally time to say good bye to my trusty Redneck Sofa, which has sat on my porch since last May when we bought a new one. Manys a hour I spent sitting on my verandah last year, with a good book and a cold drink, watching the world go by. Unfortunately, it also made my property look like Dogpatch, so I replaced it with some cold and sterile deck chairs, which aren't near as comfy but are certainly more socially acceptable. Now I won't be embarassed when the Jehovah's Witnesses make their rounds.

Another great thing about clean up week is that it's understood that once your goodies hit the side of the road, it's like one giant free for all. People make a day of it, making the rounds of the piles with their pickup trucks and salvaging anything they can use. In fact, as ratty as this sofa is, I'm kinda surprised it's still there this morning.

One memorable morning, I returned from my morning constitutional with a lovely white suitcase that someone had conveniently discarded. My husband, who is otherwise open minded, doesn't think much of me dragging home stuff from junk piles, so he just about turned purple when I showed him. There's only two things in this world that I could potentially do that really would turn his stomach- bring home trash and get my nose pierced. And since he's such a great guy otherwise, I've decided to play nice and not do them. (As far as he knows, anyway...:0)

Peace!

Simplicity is Nice, Now and Again....

2008-05-20T05:29:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, the simplest suppers are the best...

Of course, you can often say the same thing about the simplest of people. They can be delightfully uncomplicated and drama-free.

A nice BBQ seitan "breast" made from Gardein, salad, and a wee smattering of pasta on the side. I can't wait until I get my garden going so the fresh veggies can start rolling in and we can eat like this all the time.

Have a peaceful (and simple!) Tuesday everyone.....

The Post in Which I Feel Marginally Famous...Oh, and Some Food Too, Of Course..

2008-05-18T16:03:00.026-04:00

If nothing else, this week is proof that it seriously doesn't take much to get me excited. (Shut up, Bob, I wasn't talking to you!..)

My oh-so boring week ended with a couple of emails that almost let me pretend that I mattered a bit. First, Yours Truly actually got an email from THE UNITED NATIONS, Y'ALL! No shit, really. Seems that 2008 is the United Nations International Year of the Potato. (I don't know yet how I managed to miss that one...) Anyway, the United Powers That Be wanted to use my pic of potato fudge on their upcoming recipe section. BOO-YAH! of course I said yes. I was honoured and tickled in all the right places. Dear United Nations: I love you. Please hire me now and rescue me from a neverending treadmill of monotony that is my current job. Pretty please? Pretty please with potato fudge on top?? I personally grew 800 pounds of potatoes last year, after all....I am uber-qualified for any potato-related job you might give me....)

The second email just about about blew me away. If you recall, a while back I happened to mention a heroine of mine, Holistic Nutritionist Gillian McKeith. Although I find her obsession with poo a wee bit odd, I otherwise think a lot of her. Her show, "You Are What You Eat"is one of the reasons I decided to become a Holistic Nutritionist myself. (I know she's controversial, and please, spare me the emails telling me to beware of believing what she says, thanks. ) I don't agree with everything she advises, but then again, I don't believe everything my better half says, either. The few quibbles I have with some of her statements don't negate the overwhelmingly sound and solid advice she gives her clients, IMHO.

ANYWAY....I was contacted by Team McKeith to ask me if I would like to review her new book. I have two words to say about that...HELL, YES!! I can't wait until it arrives.

And now the weekend. I actually got to spend the weekend alone, (and you all know how I loves me some solitude!) I actually fought my way through a nasty chemistry module in my nutrition course that I've been putting off, and I'm glad it's finally over. Otherwise, I kinda went through some blogger angst this weekend. One and a half years in, and some days it feels more like a chore than a good time. I'm sure all of you fine folks who've been blogging for a while can relate. My internal debate went like this:

Blogging Me: Yay! I have a weekend with no distractions! I can whip up some amazing cake made of some weirdass ingredient or some bizarre seitan creation that will redefine what it means to be a veg*n blogger. After all, I haven't done much lately."

Lazy Me: "Screw that. I haven't got a creative cell left in my body. Been there, done that. I think I'll lay on this couch, eat chocolate and read romance novels."

Blogging Me: "Tracy, you need to keep people interested or they'll move on to some other blog. Get off your ass and COOK SOMETHING!!"

Lazy Me: "Aww, come on. Every damn thing I try lately turns to snot. Remember that attempt I made at vegan marshmallows? Remember how much money in sugar and agar I wasted, only to end up with a quivering grey pile of scum? Why would you want to repeat that kind of tragedy?"

Blogging Me: "But someone has to be the first to veganize a rack of lamb. Who is going to do it if not you?"

Lazy me: "Why in the name of all that is holy would I want to veganize THAT? Good Lord, I never ate lamb to begin with. My mom always told me it tasted wooly. Not only that, lambs may be cute but they spray shit pellets everywhere."

Blogging Me: "You're right. Fuck it. I'll cook what I feel like whether it's interesting or not."

And that was how my conversation with myself ended. So I cooked what I felt like, and dammit, I frankly don't give a shit whether anyone thinks it's blog-worthy or not. It is what it is.

I made some root vegetable and barley soup, and no, I didn't write down the recipe.

I also made some cajun style tomato vegetable soup. Again, no recipe because that requires effort.

Both tasted great, because frankly I AM THE QUEEN of soup. Sure, I may not be able to do long division or change the oil in the car, or navigate my way from Point A to Point B. But I do make me a mean old pot of soup, Y'all..

OK, an aside..the cat's ass is on my computer desk and his tail is sweeping the keyboard while I type, so if I make a typo, ye must forgive me.)

I made some bread too....caraway and beer bread, to be exact...Sounds good, doesn't it?

Certainy, it looked good enough to make sweet, sweet love to. I could lie, I suppose, and tell you that this bread made me want to sell my firstborn just for the privilege of eating it. (I mean, how would you know? But unfortunately I have this very inconvenient honesty gene.) Truth is, it tasted bad enough to make me want to scrub my tongue with ivory soap and gargle with Scope. . IT WAS AWFUL!!! Caraway in soup=good, caraway in bread=barf-worthy. What a waste of a can of beer...

And finally, the only interesting thing I felt like making.... "Three Times the Corn" Bread.

It was quite yummy, not exactly orgasm-producing but maybe worthy of some serious loin-sweating, at the very least. I would give you the recipe, but I think it needs another test or so. The top middle was kinda (erm) raw, so after I figure out the cooking time and temp it's all yours. It includes corn flakes, corn meal and CORN!! YeeHaw!

Ok, I'm leaving now. I guess if you're looking for cutting-edge vegan cuisine you'll have to keep clicking. If you're looking for a gal who ended her weekend alone content and pleased to be in her own skin, well....you done found her...

Peace!

The Miscellany of a Boring Week....

2008-05-15T05:21:00.013-04:00

Sometimes I feel like we are the most boring family on the face of the earth. No, seriously. I've been trying to think about something to blog about ever since Mother's Day and I couldn't think of a single damn thing. Life lately has been about as interesting as a trip to the podiatrist.

I was leaning over my son last night, checking out his homework, and I happened to see a poem he had to write last week for Englush class. The poem included this line: (I kid you not)

I am from a regular family

Nothing ever happens

It's awfully boring.

Man, I need to do something to shake this family up, stat!! Maybe wake them all up in the middle of the night for a 10K hike, that would be interesting, wouldn't it?

So, since I can't think of anything original to say, instead, here's a roundup of some pictures that have been sitting in my blog folder, unused and unappreciated.

A few weeks ago, I got myself a nifty little pasta maker at a liquidation store. Turns out it was at that store because it DIDN"T WORK, (also turns out it was used) but my genius of a husband was able to take it apart and put it back together as functional, so all was right with the world. My son wouldn't stop pestering me until we tried it out, so here he is helping me make ravioli.

We made a lovely sweet potato and cheese filling, and the results were gorgeous....

Alas, we were already eating something else that night, so I tucked them in the fridge to use the next day. Five days later I actually remembered them, and by then they were one amorphous sticky blob, so that was the end of the ravioli. We'll definitely try again another day.....

And check out the new placemats I bought myself a week or so ago....

Gorgeous, but sooo not worth it once you realize how difficult it is to scrub off a glop of dried on "hamburger helper" that has solidified between the slats. I think these might be going at the next yard sale.

And here is a lovely picture of my daughter's legs just after a day spent mountain biking with the army cadets through the spring mud....

Believe it or not, these socks were WHITE when she left that day. Perhaps another mother might have been able to bleach these back to their original glory, but not me....into the garbage they went.

On a recent trip to a pizza place, this sign on the door of the ladies room:

Not just "Women", but Women!!! Like, here's where you're finally going to find some of those mysterious wimmins you keep hearing about! (Really, I don't understand now why I found this to be so funny at the time...what can I say, I'm bored...)

And finally, just a little shot of the beach near my Mother-in-Laws new home....

Lots of new vistas to explore this summer.

And now, as just writing this has bored me to the point where I may just doze off, I'm going to wrap this up now. Hopefully this weekend will bring some excitement my way. TGIF, peeps!

Happy Mudders Day!

2008-05-11T17:01:00.018-04:00

I know intellectually that the world is grossly overopulated and is procreating itself toward it's eventual destruction. (I blame this woman.) And I know that there are all kinds of folks who don't want to have children, for a hundred different commendable and understandable reasons. (I also know that there's all sorts of folks who should have had to get a license before they were allowed to reproduce, but hey, that's another blog....)

However, I can't help but feel a little sorry for any gals out there who cannot experience the neverending circus that is Motherhood. Sure there is joy, but let's face it, there's a fair amount of misery and unintentional hilarity that goes along with it too. Let's not let this Hallmark Holiday blind us to the reality, ladies.

At seven AM yesterday morning, (on a day when my fatigued and oh-so weary body could finally sleep in), I hear the front door open and my son enter. (He had been spending the night with a friend, so as I dragged myself from sleep I momentarily thought that this was a home invasion.) Then I hear the unmistakeable sound of a13 year old boy yakking in a decorative planter as he staggered up the stairs. (I kid you not; he needed to spew and grabbed the first vessel he laid his eyes on. I guess I should be grateful for that...)

And so began my Mother's Day weekend. It also included me catching whatever Dan had and spending more time on the toilet than I would have liked, me blowing out a vein in my hand and having it turn purple, me trying to bake a cake for the cast party at the school and having two cakes in a row disintegrate before my eyes, and me chaperoning the kids to a cadet function at 9AM Sunday morning. Yippee!

I wish I could show you some shots of me whooping it up at a Mother's Day brunch, or me smiling serenely behind my breakfast-in-bed tray, or me with my eyes rolled back in bliss as my husband rubs my feet. Alas, I'm afraid that with the exception of some lovely flowers, today was pretty much like every other day in the endlessly fascinating Life of Tracy. So, I thought I'd take you down memory lane instead and show you a few little gems from Mother's Days past.

A little love from my daughter....

Here's is my daughter's rendition of me while she was in primary. Apparently, we both are fond of pink ball gowns complete with hoop skirts. Not only that, we also have ET fingers.

Here's a little gem from my boy. In case you can't quite make it out, it says "My Mom likes me. She is good at reading. I love her because she makes cookies."

Another good one from my daughter. It says, "My Mom looks pretty when she goes out to dinner with my Dad. My Mom likes it when I am playing outside." (Har har.. still do, actually..)

Here's me and the girl pitching our tent on a camping trip. Notice how we still like to dress for the occasion..!)

And finally. here's a cute little thing I came across in my search for Mother's day gold. I guess I had a little environmentalist budding even years ago....

So, what does a kid give to a Mom who has nothing, but really doesn't want anything either?

Lawnwork- the Gift that Keeps on Giving...

Hope you all had a great mother's day. And BTW, although I didn't get my foot massage, hey! Today is another day.....:0)

The School Play

2008-05-09T06:32:00.009-04:00

So, here it is Friday, and I haven't spent an evening in my house since last Thursday, hence my lack of updates. We spent the weekend at my inlaws house, had to attend cadets one night, had a meeting another night, you get the drill. Presently, my house looks like I hosted a wild party with a bunch of Harley Davidson bikers (and their pets.)

I had hoped that last night I would be able to get around to some laundry so I could stop turning my panties inside out to find a clean spot, but it was not to be. My Daughter The Joiner, who due to other commitments could not be in the school play this year, was helping out backstage when she suddenly found herself with a small part due another kid's stagefright.

The suggestion that her doting parents might not show up for the event was unthinkable. That much was clear from the phone call I received at work in the middle of the day.

So, we go home and choke down supper in a frenzy, downing a glass of red wine while cooking in the hopes that it would make me notice the dirt less. We had garlicky sloppy joes and fries, followed up with a cookie in the car en route to the big event. We get out of the car, and me and my loving son are walking together to the school, when I reach out to pull him close and give him a hug. This conversation ensues:

Mom: "Come over here and give your Mom a hug. You're not too big for hugs, are you?"

Dan: "Mom, your breath really stinks."

Mom: "Really? My breath? What does it smell like?"

Dan" "Kinda like a wet dog."

Mom: "Huh. I would think it would smell like a cookie, since that's what I ate last."

Dan: "A rotten cookie, maybe."

Love you too, you little brat.

Bob, who hates sitting in those hard plastic chairs and doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks of him, decided to take his own chair to the play. I threatened to tell everyone that he needed it due to recent hemorrhoid surgery. He still didn't give a fuck.

It was the Pink Panther Strikes Again, and wasn't bad really, but according to my butt cheeks it was about half an hour too long. Bob enjoyed himself immensely in his cushy chair, dammit.

My daughter played Hindu Harry, complete with a turban made from some sort of flowered beach coverup. She claims the little red dots on her face perform some sort of dramatic function, but to me they just looked like a terminal illness was taking hold.

All in all, fun for the whole family. Tonight though, if anyone messes with my time at home, they do so at their own peril. Mommma's getting cranky and running out of undies.

Why I'm A Bad Mother This Week But I Won Points as a Wife,,,,,

2008-04-30T19:35:00.005-04:00

It's 8:37 PM, and I'm in front of the computer. I shouldn't even be home, I should be down the street at the high school watching the spring band concert. That's where all the GOOD mommies are right now. Yours truly snuck out at intermission after finding my daughter and giving her a quarter to call home later.

For those of you not yet blessed by anklebiters of your own yet, let my give you some sage advice: Motherhood with change you in all kinds of mysterious ways: You'll learn what it's like to truly love selflessly, you'll learn patience and wisdom and how to clean up vomit at 2 AM without showing your temper. What the parenting experts don't tell you is that squeezing a blowing ball out of your nether regions will NOT make you Mother Theresa overnight, if ever. Things you hated before shooting that kid out of your love passage you will STILL hate even after you start to feel you really should adore every damn word they utter and every move they make.

I HATE SCHOOL BANDS. There, I said it. And I have an extra special hate-on for the wind instruments. In fact, you may recall that I made my daughter practice her clarinet in the back yard last year, as the sound of the clarinet wants me to claw my own ears off....

In fact, when (not if, I'm afraid) I arrive in Hell, I'll know I can expect to be receiving a pap test by a televangelist (two other things I hate) while being serenaded by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass.

So when Darling Daughter advised that she's be tooting not only the trumpet but also the saxophone in the concert and wanted me to come, I sucked it up and did what I had to do: Showed up, clapped politely, and left as soon as her parts were over. I'd like to say I enjoyed it, but, well.....er...

At least I didn't bark at the kid when I saw her appear on stage wearing my clothes.

As a mother I might be lacking this week, but I think I remdeemed myself as a wife. The husband gave me Top Wife marks this weekend. He had the dubious pleasure of being stuck in the lunchroom last week with a guy who happened to be inhaling a Swanson Hungry Man frozen dinner. Specifically, popcorn chicken, pizza sticks and marinara dipping sauce. Bob said he really thought it looked good. So what's a wifey to do?

Veganized it, of course! Seitan nuggets with a pancake batter coating (that's the trick, see) and homemade spicy italian rolls with vegan mozza inside. The pickles on the side were a bonus.

In other food news, Friday night I got home brain-fried from a long week of work and grocery shopping. I was tired, but determined not to resort to the usual veggie burgers again or frozen pizza. So I whipped up a seitan-noodle melange featuring beef-style seitan with frozen veggies and a pack of ramen noodles.

I felt a wee bit less negligent than I generally do on Friday night. Very wee. Almost, but not quite, as wee as your boyfriends equipment. Sorry, but I call 'em as I see 'em.

Post Script: I say above that most women are still basically the same women after having kids as they were before, just with less time to do their hair. If you cursed like a sailor before, you likely still did afterwards, (at least until the kids get old enough to ask you what a XXXX is.) If you were into stupid movies before, you likely still do even with the new stretch marks. I could go on, but you get my drift...

Anyway, I'll bet you all know at least one mother though who seems to have morphed into some kind of parasitic organism with no independent brain waves of her own, post-birth. I know I do. I know this one person who seems unable to talk about anything other than a never-ending saga of her children's illnesses, school projects, and extra-curricular events. After listening to her for a few minutes, I can't help but wonder. WHERE THE HELL DID SHE GO?????? The fact is, it's like Alien. The PERSON has been taken over. There is no HER anymore, just WonderMom. Well, guess what? I HATE WONDERMOM. WonderMom freaks me the HELL OUT. Fact of the matter is, I can't respect anyone I can't picture sinning. People wearing the Mommy Halo make me want to run in the other direction. Anyone with me?

Peace...

A Rant about "Product Placement", and A Day in The Life

2008-04-27T14:00:00.011-04:00

One of my very favourite shows just wrapped up it's fifth season: The Biggest Loser. This past week was the first week in a while that I didn't get to watch it on Tuesday night. There's nothing I liked better than putting my feet up, cracking open a cold one, and snacking on potato chips as I watched those poor slobs get their asses kicked all over the place. Seriously motivating.

I loved the show and all, but there was one aspect to the show that pissed me off: The Product Placement. Now, I understand why TV shows need to have commercials and all, but it really chaps my hide when television shows and movies try to sneak products into the actual storyline.

And it's one thing to have say, a can of coke on the table when two characters are performing a scene...that's insidious enough. It reaches a whole 'nother plane when you show the characters having an ernest, over-the-top love fest praising the product in the middle of the show. I mean, do the producers think we're stupid? Do they think we buy the idea that the participants of the show just like to sit around discussing the virtues of Jennie-O turkey and Brita water filters? If so, these must be the most boring people on the face of the earth. Believe you me, none of this attempted subliminal advertising would have any effect on smart and savvy viewers like me, so they might as well give it up.

OK, that's my rant for another day. Now, I thought that I'd do something different. Since I am in fact trying to lose a few pounds myself, I thought maybe I'd walk you all through a typical day here at the Hooterville Boot Camp, and show you how I'm trying to drop the pounds.

I like to start my day with a nice hearty bowl of high-fibre Quaker Weight Control Oatmeal.

I find that this oatmeal in particular is outstanding in it's oatmealiness. not to mention that it scores five stars on the poopability scale. It helps keep the plumbing regular when I'm trying to lose some unsightly flab, not to mention the fact that the delicious aroma while it's cooking makes the cat horny.

Because nutrition is of prime importance in my life, and because cutting back on food consumption makes it more difficult to get enough vitamins and minerals in ones diet, I like to make a Women's One-a-Day vitamin a regular part of my morning routine.

Compared to other brands, I find that this vitamin makes my teeth stronger and my coat glossier, my eyes brighter and my breath fresher. In fact, I find that when I happen to miss a day, my husband is less attracted to me sexually.

After breakfast, nothing starts my day off to a better start than a nice long slog on my treadmill. Since I'm trying to lose serious poundage, I've been spending a lot of time there lately. It's important when you're working out a lot to keep your energy up, but at the same time, you really need to watch your portion sizes. That's why I like Nabisco 100 Calorie Packs.

The beauty of these little packs is not only that I learn how tiny a reasonable portion of over-processed food should be, but I also keep the waste management people in business. After all, someone has to create unnecessary trash or they would be unceremoniously thrown out of work. I like to think I do my part by buying these non-biodegradable, portion controlled foil packs rather than enduring the boredom of filling my reusable dishes with snack food.

After a little light housework, it's time for lunch. I like to cook up some protein like tofu to go along with my salad at lunchtime, and naturally I'm all about the oven, as deep frying uses a lot of grease that speeds straight to my thighs. As a good little weight watcher, I lubricate my pans with PAM cooking spray....

Not only is it low-calorie, it has a special additive that prevents your bosoms from drooping like deflated party balloons as you drop the weight. As well, in a pinch you can use it as an easy-to-apply personal lubricant.

After a long afternoon of housework, (which may or may not include the toilet bowl), it's time for a diet-appropriate supper. I'm a very busy working woman, so time is important to me. Rather than spend precious seconds reaching up to get the steamer down from the shelf, I like to bend down to the drawer instead and retrieve my Ziploc Zip 'n Steam bags to cook my vegetables.

My daughter finds it so refreshing to not have to expend one single brain cell while helping me with dinner. Even a drooling idiot can stuff carrots in a plastic bag, which I guess it's why these wonderful sacs are so popular. Sure, it means that the vegetables are done long before the rest of the meal, (since this method is so darn fast), but I've heard that hot vegetables cause uvula cancer anyway.

So that was a typical day for me in my quest for supermodel status. I hope you can appreciate the honesty of my approach versus the underhanded attempt to influence you that you see on TV these days. You have to watch the fine print! If you're attempting to slim down a little, hey, best of luck! One final tip: If you need to eat out and want a healthy meal, try Subway! Their subs are deliriously low in fat,so I hear, as long as you eat them without mayo or butter or dressing or flavor.

Keep it real, peeps!

Vegan Macaroni and Cheese Loaf- Perhaps the Weirdest Thing I've Ever Made

2008-04-27T08:59:00.009-04:00

So, I'm driving home from another day spent in a boredom-induced coma at work, humming along with the cd player (it was Kid Rock, I believe) when it hits me: A sudden, overwhelming craving for macaroni and cheese loaf. It was weird, because I haven't had this stuff for years, and even when I did eat meat, I only ever craved this stuff occasionally.

For those of you who have never heard of it, macaroni and cheese loaf is truly your trailer park trash of deli meats. It's simply got to be made of the wretched refuse of miscellaneous animal parts...it's kinda like bologna, only gamier. The soft, wet squishiness of the (quite unquote) "meat" plays off against the unexpected sharpness of the cheese chunks, which perfectly offsets the al dente chewiness of the macaroni. Beyond weird, right? So why crave it? Beats the hell out of me.

Naturally eating the real thing is out of the question, so if I wanted it, I had to Frankenstein it. The result was great and filled the void. Naturally, I was not totally able to duplicate the delicate armpit-esque aroma of the real thing, but I think this is better. I made the seitan to be a little like chicken, a little like ham, with a little bit of hot spice. I don't know if there's a single other person on the planet earth who would want to try this, but just in case my cosmic vegan twin is out there somewhere suffering from the lack of mac 'n cheese loaf, I figured I'd give y'all the recipe.

By the way, I used some of the Galaxy Foods Vegan Cheddar they sent me last month. It's reluctance to melt worked to my advantage in this recipe.

Seitan Macaroni and Cheese Loaf

First, cook 1/3 of a cup of macaroni to the al dente stage; slightly firm, not squishy. Dump it in ice cold water until you're ready to use it. Then, cut up your vegan cheddar into small cubes until you have 1/2 cup of them. Set aside.

Take 1/3 cup bacon bits and add 1/2 cup hot water. Microwave for a few minutes until the bits are soft.

Dump into your blender:

The bacon bits and water

1/2 12oz box of silken tofu

1/2 cup cold water

2 Tbsp olive oil

2 Tbsp ketchup

3/4 tsp garlic powder

3/4 tsp onion powder

1 tsp paprika

2 Tbsp vegan chicken-style boullion

1/2 tsp red pepper

1 1/2 tsp Club House Chicken Seasoning (or cajun spice....or steak spice...something spicy..:0)

Blend....

In a large bowl, mix 2 1/2 Tbsp cornmeal and 1 1/4 cup gluten flour. Mix. As you stir, mix in your macaroni (strained, natch) and your cheese cubes.

On a board sprinkled with a bit more gluten, dump out your seitan and knead in about 1/4 cup more gluten flour, carefully trying not to lose your macaroni and cheese. (They will seem to be trying to escape their gluteny seitan prison.) Allow to sit for an hour.

Line a juice can with non-stick foil or parchment paper. After the hour has passed, knead the seitan into a nice firm log, and press down into the can. Make your "seitan juice" from the following:

1 1/4 cup water

1 Tbsp oil

1 Tbsp ketchup

1 Tbsp soya sauce

1 Tbsp chicken style boullion

1 Tbsp nutritional yeast

1/2 tsp black pepper

1/2 tsp garlic salt

2 tsp paprika

Pour the juice over the log....

Cover the can with foil, and place in the oven. Turn the oven on to 250 degrees, and let the seitan slowly cook for three hours. Increase heat to 350 and remove foil. Cook for 30 minutes more. The seitan with slowly grow in the can...

Allow to cool for twenty minutes or so in the can, then turn it sideways and slide that log out....

You will find that the very top of the log will be unpleasantly squishy, kinda like the stuff that oozes between your toes when you walk in the mud ....can't be helped. Perhaps you can feed this to your cat. (Mine loved it...)

Allow to cool, preferably overnight, then slice into thin pieces.

The end result??? Well, I think this would be the hit of the trailer park potluck....

Me, the kids and the cat all loved this. Bob refused to even touch it, but then again, he always thought the meat version was beyond strange, so I guess that's not a big surprise.

I can't wait to make myself a mac 'n cheese sandwich for lunch today...

Playing Tag on Saturday Morning...

2008-04-26T05:36:00.009-04:00

Why the hell can't I sleep in on the weekend like normal people??

***

Good Lord, it's six thirty in the morning. When I got out of bed, my husband opened his eyes just enough to confirm I was decamping , then slid over to the middle of the bed, took my pillow and went back to sleep with a happy little sigh. I wanted to slap him and I don't know why.

Anyway, while I was gone to Florida I was tagged by Carla to tell you all five things about me you didn't already know, which is rough, because I kinda run this blog like an open book. Nothing's been off limits, even genital related accidents. But I'll try....

***

1. I have gorgeous feet. Absolutely, mouthwateringly, achingly beautiful feet. They may be size nine, I may occupy more than my fair share of real estate with these puppies, but they're still stunning. A friend of mine tried to tell me once that big feet couldn't possibly be sexy, but I took off my (smelly) socks and sneakers right there in the office and invited my co-workers to take a vote. We all agreed that my feet ROCK. I briefly debated taking a picture of them and posting it, but I didn't want any of you sick fuckers out there with a foot fetish using my feet as porn, so, you'll just have to use your imagination.

***

2. In second grade, my teacher Mrs. Fancy used an old painting smock to tie me to my chair one day. Apparently, I was finished my math paper too quickly, got bored of waiting for all the dumb kids to finish, so I got up and went to get some blocks to play with while I waited. That ticked her off for some reason, the old battleaxe. So the cranky, overweight, older-than-dirt polyester-clad crone tied me up! Try that shit today and you'd get arrested, but back in 1977 it was likely considered to be "bahaviour modification."

***

3. In 1974, I told Michael McKay that I would show him my weewee if he would show me his. He did so I did. When my Mother came to pre-school to pick me up, the teacher told her all about it and I got in trouble. I got put to bed without any supper, and it was Kentucky Fried Chicken that night, too. I still remember that because I thought it was a viciously mean thing to do to a kid who only wanted one little glance at some little boys block-and-tackle. I remember getting put to bed at five PM without supper one other night too, because I refused to eat my serving of liver. That only shows that I had shockingly good sense even in my formative years.

***

4. Before I changed my major and got a degree in European History (which comes really handy for finding employment in a small town, haha) I actually completed two years of a B.Sc. in Nursing. After two years, I concluded that I hated sick people because they tend to whine too much, so I changed my major. I'm glad I did those two years though, as I picked up lots of useful skills. If ever called upon to do it, I know how to "manually disimpact" someone, otherwise known as using your finger to dig impacted turds out of their ass. Did you know that you have to be careful not to turn a guy on while doing this? Seems that some old geezers can get a boner from this procedure. That's your Saturday morning trivia, folks.

***

5. I like stupid television. The more inappropriate and pointless, the better. My current favourite is Kenny vs: Spenny. If you haven't seen it before, I recommend that you check it out. That is, of course, if you aren't easily offended, or have a problem with male nudity, or your ears burn when you hear bad language. If you're cool with all that, then you're good to go. (You can watch some of the episodes here....)

***

I have some occasional guilt about watching stuff like this, mainly because I don't seem to have grown up yet. All my other friends are watching Mom-appropriate things like The Gilmore Girls, or Crossing Jordan, or Oprah. Me, I like to sit and watch two guys compete to see who can stay naked the longest. Does this mean that there's something wrong with me, or do you think I just lack the maturity gene? Thoughts for a lovely spring Saturday....

***

Have a splediferous day, folks! Time to get this show on the road. I have another seitan dish I want to try and emulate today, and it just might take a while....:0)

The Best Damn Seitan I've Ever Had, Period! Vegan Filet Mignon, Peeps!

2008-04-24T04:46:00.009-04:00

I really envy those vegan Jedi masters who can say that they have absolutely no craving for meat, or those who can honestly say the smell of meat cooking grosses them out. Two and a half years in, I still haven't reached that stage yet. Maybe in ANOTHER two and a half years.... :0)

(I know that there is a huge faction of vegans out there who try to steer clear of anything that looks like meat, so if you fall into that category, you might want to go and do something else.)

So anyway, I came back from my trip with a fire in my belly and get into the kitchen to create. I made it my mission this past weekend to replicate something I saw on my trip to Orlando- Filet Mignon.

I wouldn't have thunk it, but Orlando seems to be All. About. The Meat. Our hotel city guide listed steakhouse after steakhouse after (yawn) steakhouse. And at out final banquet, the rest of the folks at our table were served filet mignon, which I had to admit looked very pretty whilst plated. As a gal who often is in the unenviable position of cooking vegan food for die-hard carnivores, a vegan filet mignon sounded damn appealing.

I set out to make a version of Seitan Filet Mignon that would replicate as close as possible the experience of sitting down to a really primo steak meal. Something that would be special enough to serve when company came to visit, something good enough to serve to a skeptical omnivore who thinks vegan food is bland and tastes like shit. (I happen to know a few of those, unfortunately...)

While I was off in Orlando, a nice guy named Jason commented that it was hard to make seitan anything but "smooshy and nasty", and I agree that seitan can certainly turn out like that, if you aren't careful. I assembled this recipe with great care, thinking hard about what each and every ingredient brings to the table, and I happen to think I got it spot-on. I made two batches to test two different cooking methods, and this was the best. Rest assured, this exact combination of ingrediants and method result in seitan you'll want to go to bed with and make sweet, passionate love to. (If you're into that sort of thing....)

Seitan “Filet Mignon” au Jus

In a blender, mix the following ingredients:

½ of a 12 oz box of firm silken tofu
¾ cup cold water
1½ tbsp ketchup
1 tbsp oil
1 1/2 tbsp Braggs Liquid Aminos (use Soya sauce if you don’t have any)
½ tbsp steak sauce
1 tsp Vegan Worcestershire sauce
¼ tsp black pepper
½ tsp Italian Seasoning
¼ tsp sage
1 tbsp Red Star Nutritional Yeast
2 tbsp beef-style bouillon (I use Nutri-Max from the Superstore)
Blend until smooth.

In a large bowl, add:
1 ½ Tbsp cornmeal
1 ½ cups vital wheat gluten

Pour in the tofu mixture and mix well. As you mix, you will add about ½ cup more wheat gluten. Form into a firm ball, kneading for about five minutes. Be careful only to add enough gluten to make a workable, not too sticky ball. If you add even more gluten, the dough will get harder and harder, and more difficult to work with.

Cover and let sit at least one hour.

Dust a clean surface with a little more gluten flour, and roll out the dough to about two inches thick. Using a biscuit cutter, cut into about five “steaks”.

In a large flat-bottomed pot, add the following:

3 cups cold water
3 tbsp beef-style bouillon
1 ½ tbsp oil
2 tsp vegan Worcestershire sauce
2 Tbsp Soya sauce
½ tsp black pepper
½ tsp garlic powder or garlic salt
½ tsp onion powder (optional)

Place the steaks in the cold liquid. Cover the pot. On medium heat, slowly bring the liquid to a boil, and immediately lower the temperature until the liquid is just simmering.

Watch in the beginning, as the steaks may want to stick to the bottom of the pot. Simmer for about seventy-five minutes, turning the steaks about every ten minutes.

When done, remove the steaks from the liquid, reserving the liquid for later. (This is precious stuff...) Allow the steaks to cool for ten minutes, and then place them in a sealed container. (You don’t want them to dry out.)If serving the same day, just leave them on the counter until mealtime. Ten minutes before eating place them back in the pot with the reserved “jus” and simmer again just long enough to heat. Serve with a spoonful of the “jus” on top.

I served this meal with twice-baked potatoes using Tofutti sour cream, soy cheddar and crumbled veggie bacon. Every last bite of this seitan got snarfed up, and The Boy, (who generally doesn't have much to say about my food), proclaimed this to be my best meal ever. Hey, if that's what the kid says, you know it must be true.

Bon Appetit!

The Comfort Food Prescription for Too Much Rich Grub- Vegan Beefy Bean Stew and Biscuits

2008-04-21T20:24:00.006-04:00

We now interrupt our regularly scheduled travelogue for some great food. When Bob and I got home, all we wanted is a mess of good, hot, hearty peasant food. No more of this chi-chi rich stuff for us. I'll get to the final day of our trip eventually, but this was so damn good I had to share.

Beefy Bean Stew

In the bottom of a large pot, place:

1 small onion, diced
~Sauté until the onion starts to brown~

Then Add:

9 cups water
2 large carrots cut into chunks about the size of dice
¾ cup diced rutabaga, cut into chunks slightly smaller than the carrots
4 fairly large potatoes cut into chunks
2/3 cup frozen corn niblets
¼ cup frozen peas
1 cup (1/2 of a 19 oz) can of white navy beans or white kidney beans, drained
¼ to ½ tsp pepper, to taste
¾ tsp Vegan Worcestershire sauce
½ Tbsp soya sauce
2 Tbsp “Beefy” boullion powder
¼ tsp poultry seasoning
1 Tbsp ketchup

Simmer for approximately 45-50 minutes until vegetables are tender. Add a little more water as you go if necessary. About ten minutes before the stew is done, add:

¾ cup President’s Choice Meatless Beef Strips, (or other seitan beef) cut into small pieces (OK, I know this links to a picture of meatless "chicken", but they pulled the beef picture offline for some damn reason)

Eat with biscuits, because I told you so.......

***

After a meal like that, I almost feel like myself again.

PS: This is the only view I ever see of my daughter these days. Any other Moms out there experiencing the same phenomenon?

Now I Can Say that I've "Dined", Not Just Eaten

2008-04-20T06:36:00.007-04:00

So far, I hadn't exactly been thrilled by the options available at the Orlando World Marriott for vegetarians. That's why I was excited to find out that Bob and I were invited out to another resort for dinner Monday night. (That happens a lot at these conferences....suppliers with meaty (pardon the phrase) expense accounts wine and dine the lesser mortals, the category in which Bob and I fall, fortunately.

A cab took us, another couple, and our host (also named Bob) to the Portofino Bay Hotel. What a gorgeous place! It's designed to look like a street in Italy. I was stunned by how picturesque it all is.

I thought we'd be going to someplace like Sizzler, or a steakhouse, or an all-you-can eat seafood buffet, (considering these are people from the trucking industry. I guess that was small minded of me, to just assume that these folks wouldn't want to eat somewhere really classy. I was wrong.) So anyway, Bob and I were, shall we say, underdressed for this occasion.

We went to an Italian restaurant at the resort called Bice (pronounced Bee-Chay) that overlooks the water. It was cool, and dark, and filled with swarthy italian waiters in white coats with napkins over their arms.

Our host ordered a bottle of wine for the table. He asked the waiter to choose something "in the $100 range." Oh my. Is any of you wondering what $100 wine tastes like? Well, it's pretty much just like $10 wine. The extra $90 must be for the privilege of having it poured for you.

Check out the menu at this place. There were a few things slightly different on the menu we were presented, but this is basically the same. The waiter started advising us how to order; for example, we should first have the appetizer, then the salad, then the pasta course, then the meat course, etc. Everyone at the table seemed paralyzed by all this decision making. You could tell everyone was trying to be as classy as possible and not give away the fact that we were Canadian redneck hicks.

Well, I finally had to step up the plate. I just announced that I wouldn't be sharing the appetizers, (since the table was pondering something with buffalo in it) and than frankly, I just can't eat that much food. All I wanted was a salad and some pasta. Period.

I think everyone else was relieved, actually. We all ended up just ordering a salad and one main dish. Here's a shot of my salad... pretty, but it came saturated in dressing, something I don't care for.

Then we got a surprise. The waiter brought out an appetizer anyway, compliments of the chef. I was leery at first when they set this plate in front of me, assuming that there was some Mystery Meat inside, but after politely inquiring, it turns out that these were vegetarian!

Two little raviolis, one with a squash filling, one with mushroom filling. And they were perhaps the best thing I ate the whole trip, especially the squash one. I'm going to have to try and recreate it someday.

I had the tagliatelle with mushrooms....

(The Verdict: Ok, but no better than what I make at home. Not worth almost thirty bucks.)

Bob had risotto with saffron and mushrooms....

I meant to try it, but I was so full at this point I couldn't bring myself to do it. Bob said it was tasty, but he only ate half, so I'm wondering....

It was late and dark when we left to head back to our hotel. I got a glimpse over our hosts shoulder as he paid the bill....$445 for five people, not including tip.!!! Ack. Give me a good old fashioned pizza joint anyday.

Next: We party it up on the last day of the conference....