Still Searching For The Warmth In Life :)

Cute!

2010-01-02T11:42:00.001+08:00

My wallpaper that never fails to cheer me up! He's damn cute la. First time say guy cute.

Reflections

2009-12-31T16:09:00.002+08:00

Today marks the last day of 2009, a year of much mistakes and triumphs, which also meant a lot of lessons learnt for yours truly.

Results were released two days ago, and I was tremendously happy that I managed to get a GPA that was equivalent to my hard work. Nonetheless, the important thing was that I managed to prove that I could do it, and that I could stretch my limits. Thus, this new found confidence and belief can now be applied to other areas in my life! Very few things become impossible now.

I began my academic journey in Commonwealth Secondary School. I didn't really do well for my streaming examinations at the end of Secondary level two. I still remembered I didn't bother to study, and instead, read fiction books on the eve of exams themselves. I thought I could figure out all the stuff in the exams themselves. However, it was not to be.

I got results so bad... I fell into the last express class of a neighbourhood school.

But it gave me strength to fight back. By the O levels, I managed to secure an L1R5 of 9.

I applied into ACJC at first, believing a good school would do me good. But, as pressure mounted, I eventually applied into JJC, where friends were plentiful. I thought, it wouldn't matter much what JC I am in right?

I think I would probably never know, but JJC did me a lot of good. It was a casual, non-competitive environment and I learnt to make a lot of friends. Friendship was the theme there, and I enjoyed every moment of my life in JC.

At the end of JC1, I managed to secure good enough grades at the prelims to be exempted from the final examinations altogether, save for GP. We had a policy whereby you did well enough during prelims, you need not take the finals. We were rewarded with a subsidised trip to Medan, Indonesia while others were cramming for their exams. I was proud, maybe too proud.

At the beginning of JC2, my grades were sliding dangerously. I dropped Physics. My Chemistry teacher personally told me off. She mentioned to the class how someone could drop from A to F.

Time was of the essence. I needed to get my thinking straight.

I chose business school because I was interested in money, and subsequently, the dynamics of finance. Office environments appealed to me too. I like the confidence when I'm in formal wear. I like the professionalism displayed at such work environments.

Business schools, however, are notoriously hard to get into.

It was a good thing that I had good friends alongside me who are pursuing their dreams. And we worked hard, real hard together. We knew we had to fight alongside people from top JCs to get in. Eventually we made it. I made it.

National service came... and I was lucky enough to be selected to Taiwan. What happened in the 14 months there drastically darkened me. I had terrible aspects of life. I became skeptical, isolated and selfish.

But it's good now. I'm wisening up and I'm not letting whatever happened at Taiwan affect me anymore.

Eventually, I had to deal with my first break up. Long distance relationships are not meant to be. The issue of trust was the critical element. I'm happier now. Often, when I thought back, times were really tough when I had no more income and we had to Skype to hundreds of dollars every month. It's a story I repeated many times.

I grew wiser after the break up.

School started and I devoted my energy to studying. I loved my course. It felt totally relevant. It paid off. I got a high GPA my family is proud of. What's important was I wanted to prove myself. And in that, I become capable, and I'm more sure I can take of others when I finally grow up.

I'm a prideful person, and in the course of pursuing my goals sometimes, I offend many, many friends. I have taken courses of actions that are selfish in nature.

But life must be a balance. Something we must do what it takes to win. I do not wish to go back to a milder, timid me. I can only push forth, carefully reminding myself all the time that I had to keep everything in balance.

2009 is coming to a close. Holidays have been a good time to rest, and I'm ready for another term.

2010, what are the highlights?

I'm not too sure. But I'm sure life will throw me a few more lessons.

Happy new year!

Don't Reply...

2009-12-27T16:25:00.000+08:00

I have been successfully keeping to my habit of reading the papers everyday (since I'm already so free). Looking at the various issues that ignited various feelings of perhaps injustice or disagreement within myself, I can't help but realise how pointless it is to sometimes get an individual to your point of view (unless there's money involved).

I suppose that in any situation where you are likely to go into an overheated argument of, let say "banning clubbing" because it's "all vice" and "no good", you probably think you know or seen something more than your arguing party.

This, apparently, can be wrong. There's no way of saying who has seen what, and it is even more difficult to judge what experiences deserve credit as a supporting paragraph in your argumentative thesis.

Undoubtably, one can quote statistics, the Wikipedia or even famous experts in the field. The key winning factor would be to quote something from something the opposing party believes in so that, in our local terms, he can be tiam tiam and nothing more to say. I believe in numbers conducted by transparent and accurate surveys (I do recognise most surveys come reported with no indicated of the sampling size or the methods used).

However, it is unlikely that anyone in the right mind can contain substantial information in their brains during casual debating of societal issues, unless you memorise the web or something (yet, with the advancement of techonology, quick searches using your mobile web device may suffice).

My best advice when someone comments verbally or writes about something you feel passionate about? Don't reply... unless you are ready to get into a heated debate. Even so, don't lose your cool. It just isn't... cool.

Don't reply...

Truth

2009-12-20T19:13:00.000+08:00

Men can never survive alone. It leads to insanity, to perverse behavior.

We need to be of something bigger, and in being that, we become something else altogether. We are granted purpose, we are given meaning, and that alone is more power than we need.

Nobility is inspired. Honour arisen. Kindness given.

The Allied efforts in WW2. The crazy strength of people in sleepless FOC. The selfless slogging of a working mother.

We all need to be become something bigger than ourself.

Totally It

2009-12-18T23:13:00.000+08:00

Oh my god... The Hangover. Should have at least watched with my friends or something. It's an awesome movie with a cheerful ending.

Anyway, here comes Friday again. Got my "pay" from brother today. Still relatively poor, sadly.

Canvassing on Sunday. Time to do some work!

I think I want to party soon. Anyone? Inspired!

Wishes

2009-12-17T00:53:00.000+08:00

I never really had much of headaches before.

But now, one's throbbing at the back of my head. Insane pain.

ARGH!

On a happier note, Christmas is next Friday! So fast! Must... eat... turkey... Must... drink... wine.

In addition, I wish for:

1. Good results
2. Good health
3. Motivation for IPPT training
4. A fabulous Christmas celebration!

Can't wait for the festives!

NBS Bash

2009-12-13T04:15:00.000+08:00

It didn't turn out the way we expected.

But it was nonetheless something to remember.

I went easy on the alcohol this time. I got tipsy, but recovered completely towards the end. In fact, I was the one taking care of people this time round.

I'm thankful I got to feel what people felt when I was dead drunk.

Sorry, friends. I promise never to get drunk ever again, with the best of my ability.

Only when you fall into darkness, are you qualified to comment about it.

Effort

2009-12-11T22:53:00.000+08:00

The law of economics dictate that everything in life is a matter of trade-off. Want something, you give up money and thus incur opportunity cost. Neglect your studies now, and you suffer in days ahead. Brush off your friends now, and you find yourself the loneliest person on Earth.

There is no such thing as a free lunch.

Such an equilibrium exists. Then, no matter what we do, wouldn't it be pointless as the sum of the equation would always be the same at the end of the day?

Religion preaches that endless rewards would occur at the end of a long struggle called life. Secularists are not so fortunate. To us, the equation takes place within life. It does not lie beyond it.

As such, only when there is a way to increase the sum of the equation can we truly justify the reasons why we fight for a better life. Or else, everything's pointless.

I have a strong belief that a metaphorical sense of time value of money exists when applied to life. Invest in hard work now, and you reap more than portionate rewards in the far future.

That is the cornerstone of finance.

Hard work and effort. I think there's increasingly more ways I can take my life into my own hands.

Take for example, I want more fulfilling friendships. And gasp, even attempt to fall into a good relationship. I want to cultivate hobbies and skills. I want to become fitter.

All these requires me to stop being lazy and start investing every second of my time now.

It's time to work harder, not just on studies, but on my life.

Numbers, graphics and data

2009-12-11T15:06:00.000+08:00

Spreadsheets, databases, powerpoints etc. have always been a pain to get done well.

Good thing I like computers. Or else I did be tearing the CPU out of the motherboard by now.

New New New!

2009-12-11T02:27:00.000+08:00

I love new stuff.

A new web page design (Reuters, CNN etc), a new software (Office 2010), a new game (Left 4 Dead 2), a new book, a new favourite food etc.

The list would probably never end.

New, better stuff is always good. And I think we should all strive to continuously improve all our belongings.

That's probably why I'm updating this blog now.

I think it's time for a blogskin change too!

A Sexist Statement

2009-12-10T22:54:00.002+08:00

Finally... a cooling fan that doesn't sound like a construction site.

$25!

Seeing all those fancy cooling fans priced at $50-80 didn't tempt at all. I have been pursuing practicability over aesthetics.

If only you can do that with women... (OOPS!)

Pre-resolutions

2009-12-10T11:39:00.000+08:00

Only 50 posts this year so far? Gosh, this is terribly bad of my exhibitionist nature.

2010 is coming. 2 more years to 2012 and we will see whether the Mayan apocalypse is correct.

Christmas. How to spend it? Wei Liang will go out with girlfriend, confirm. Rubbish, crossed out. BFFs have their dates and church activities, crossed out. Family never celebrates Xmas, crossed out. Classmates have their own lives in the east, crossed out.

Hmmmm.... Not looking good.

New Year Eve. Okay... maybe I can get invited to some count down somewhere. *hint hint*

Resolutions for 2010:

- Mug harder, if that's even humanly possible.

- Be involved in something. CCA or whatever.

- Get some metallic award for IPPT

- Read more (like very boring ah? but I like la)

- Make pancakes, prawn oglio and muffins

- Attend NBS FOC as a senior (wahaha, all the cute little girls... did I say that out loud?)

- Get a stable job during summer holidays

That's about all I can think of.

Hmm, not very interesting...

Two Face Delwynn

2009-12-10T11:28:00.001+08:00

My mood seemed to be an emotionally roller-coaster throughout the day. In the morning, I wake up refreshed and ready to tackle any challenge. By late afternoon, my emotions began to calm down and my mind begins to slack. Finally, when deep night approaches, my mood makes a turn for the worst.

Okay, it's going to change, starting from today.

I'm gonna find something to do at night!

Went out with a best female friend (wah, I also got BFF okay, don't play play) to visit another BFF yesterday. Needless to say, I always enjoy their company. Maybe it's because I don't see them often and every time I see them, something has changed in all our lives and it's always so interesting to converse over the diverse topics available. But I think I'm scaring people with my overly zealous thinking about my life. I probably should appear to be normal and having some fun in my life to my friends from now on.

Still trying to figure out how to use the Bloomberg Terminal. I think I was stupid enough not to consult Google yesterday. Now armed with an informative PDF, I'm gonna pawn that news service.

It's been a week and a day since exams ended. Still, nothing major has been accomplished, which is good la, since it's a break I'm taking. I think I need to plan my timetable soon anyway.

I also need to buy a cooling fan, one that doesn't make a drilling noise every time I use it (like the one I'm currently owning). Or else my computer gonna explode from heating up sooner or later.

Why do I always wake up feeling that I was an idiot the previous night?

This despite being drunk or not even inhaling a cubic of alcohol.

I think I got split personalities.

First Week

2009-12-07T21:19:00.000+08:00

Thank goodness, I finally have my internet back, albeit in the new service provided by Singtel (previously from Starhub) now.

Been clearing away some stuff for the past few days and trying to recover from my indigestion. Suffice to say, throwing away her stuff made me felt better. There's no point in keeping them. With the last item down the rubbish chute, I'm finally able to declare myself as "moved on".

The post-exam activity for our classmates didn't turn out as well as I intended. My steamboat literally exploded, causing a blackout when almost all the food wasn't cooked yet. What resulted was a torturous session for Jin Jie and Matthew as they desperately try to churn out food fast enough to satisfy us over the gas stoves. Definitely not what I had in mind...

Alcohol session also didn't out the way I had envisioned. I couldn't control myself on the hard liquor again and ended up collapsing on the floor merely a few hours past midnight. Suffice to say, no more alcohol for such an addict in the foreseeable future.

I'm less than a week into the holidays, and I haven't really done the things I wanted to do yet.

Time Machine

2009-12-03T23:41:00.000+08:00

Sucks not to have my wireless back. Still hiding in the living room relying on some unknown neighbour's wireless (yes I know it's illegal), but I really got nothing to do at this weird hour.

Have been trying to get rid of my hangover the whole day. Highly dehydrated. Now I'm finally awake and left with nothing to do... much.

Oh well, there is something to do. Something like clean up the room, read my Kiterunner book and all... Thing is... no mood. It probably has to do with my sickly body now. I promise to start my training tomorrow morning.

Now that exams are over and I'm finally able to relax myself... The irony is, I feel rather empty and directionless without my competitive streak pushing on. The fact that I woke up lying on the floor with a blanket over me makes me wonder how come I'm so touched by such a simple act of kindness. Somehow, someway, in my twisted self, I lost touch with "the warmth in life".

Most of the classmates are back to the east. And frankly, it sucks. I don't know who to talk to, don't know who to meet... Most of my old friends probably have their new lives after my disappearing act for the whole year. Somehow, connections were severed this morning. I feel like I'm all alone in the west again and with my mum still on the cruise, this makes it all the more lonely.

Kathryn mentioned about losing herself when university started, about being strangely less happy than before without identifiable reasons why. Frankly, I have no idea what happened to me too. My determination to quit alcohol will help and a little time to soul search this holidays would do be some good.

But at the end of the day... I just need a time machine to set some things right. I think I have a tendency to attract misfortune wherever I go.

Anger

2009-12-03T16:30:00.000+08:00

Alcoholic. I think I'm one. How many times have I been unable to stop and ended up losing one big chunk of memory?

It's time to quit it.

Don't ya ya. The fact that you don't drink doesn't mean you know what it means to fight an addiction.

One More Day!

2009-12-01T22:26:00.001+08:00

Content subjects: Read, apply and question.

Calculation subjects: Practise, practise and practise.

Will this be a lesson with a heavy price?

It seems like it's human nature to keep saying die already lah, I'm gonna flunk the exams, etc etc whenever you finish and are about to sit for a paper. Perhaps it alleviates us with a sense that if we are without confidence, we would ironically do better than we think!

I have no understanding of this psychological trend. But the fact is, it has occurred in every one of us.

I have seen geniuses who scored near full marks in their previous tests say they are gonna flunk all their exams. Now there seemed to be a weird contradiction. By predicting you will flunk your exams, are you saying your full marks was indicative of a flunk?

I bet this is a really touchy issue nowadays. If you are already doing better than the others in terms of mid terms and quizzes, constantly announcing doomsday is near will probably annoy the hell out of people who haven't done very well.

I'm guilty of saying I'm going to fail when deep down, I know, a large part of me says I have done pretty well.

There are various reasons why I did it. Maybe I want you to console me by saying it's going to be alright, "look you are smart!", "aiya, you can't fail one la" or maybe I just want the guy up there to not punish me contrarily when I keep hao-lianing I am confident I will pass with flying colours. Sounds familiar? I'm sure many of you are guilty as me for doing all these.

With all the uncertainty that will harbour us for the whole month before the results are released, I'm not sure I'm going to go through the holidays with nary a nightmare of worry. But whatever it is, I can do nothing about it. Suck thumb and keep my uncertain side down.

Tomorrow will be my last paper and I'm pretty confident at this stage, despite panicking earlier when I attempted my first trial exam paper at 4pm. Practice really do wonders. Somehow, it tunes your brain to better tackle the questions that you come across. As such, at the end of the day, you can study smart, but you can't do without the basic practising in all subjects.

Will be spending post-exams with classmates tomorrow. Alcohol... hmmm... Thank goodness these guys and girls are more accepting towards the forbidden drink than my major social circle. Not to say I despise my other friends for not drinking. Everyone's got their own preferences (got to say these before some jellyfish start hunting me). But drinking's really DAMN fun in the right conditions.

Gosh, I so feel like clubbing. But there's no way I can let loose my inhibitions in a club with people I will study for another semester. At most get the guys to go only.... HAHA. Cannot spoil image.

I don't know whether clubbing with Pookah at NBS Bash will be awkward. After not seeing them for so long (yes, it's my fault for being the "lost soul"), they will probably not recognise me. I'm really afraid I did end up sitting at one corner or bouncing up and down at one corner of the dancefloor looking lame.

Ahhh... I hope we come out with something awesome to do while drinking tomorrow. Let not the forbidden drink go to waste: Lord Delwynn, Master of Drinks.

Joke, joke, don't come suing me for defamation, ridicule or some other tort.

A Hungry Break

2009-11-30T17:47:00.000+08:00

Due to some weird error, my iTunes keep popping out and playing songs when I'm studying. Very creepy.

Anyway, tada, two days to the end! Can't wait already. Nevermind the anxiety, the uncertainty about the results. Look to the future! Time to play... almost.

It's a bit weird that I keep getting hungry when I'm spending most of the time sitting down. But then... I have no idea what to eat. Is it time to revive my failed culinary aspirations? Hmm...

Anyway, two chapters of law left! I know I keep getting slower but I really can't get anything in anymore.

And wow, why does NTU release results days before New Year's Eve? Sure is a way to "reflect" on your goals and resolutions.

I want my dinner. Super, duper hungry...

Remedies

2009-11-29T22:49:00.001+08:00

Lounge music... Thanks! Now I can concentrate better!

Dreaming of Sunlight

2009-11-29T21:09:00.002+08:00

9.04pm. 5 chapters of business law to go. Woah. I want to finish contract law by tonight. At the rate of things, I think I'm too slow. Ha.

I think I miss my mum already. Home feels empty with just one less person. Maybe it's because I'm studying and as I look into the living room, it's relatively empty. Not really used to it. Anyway, one week more and she will be back!

Nightmares constantly. I dreamt of some kind of ghost blasting into my face this morning. There was this bright light it emitted. I opened my eyes, and I realised it was just the sunlight streaming in. Ouch.

I'm so excited of post-exam!!! :)

Chicken Boy

2009-11-29T09:57:00.000+08:00

It wasn't something I did normally do, but I went ahead and attended a party three days before a major exam anyway. Was I taking my studies too lightly? I was personally anxious during the whole party itself, and didn't manage to even have the appetite to eat anything when my mind was on the books.

Nonetheless, it was good to see them again. Same old faces, new changes.

Anyway, two days left. I have done what I can for FM under the limited time. Good luck to myself, for I really have no time for the exam papers. It's really time to move on to business law.

Mother's went on cruise yesterday, so I'm gonna be taking care of my meals for a while now. But when I'm busy, you know what happens... I tend to skip meals. Ha, look forward to a thinner me.

Chicken essence is helping! I actually managed to cram in 2 hours of work even after returning home from Paya Lebar yesterday night at midnight! Not bad huh! But I can't rely on it forever la. Either I will go bankrupt or I will become a chicken addict.

It's good that I haven't been emo-ing these few days. Time to stop.

Anyway, one of my friends, a year 3 Accountancy managed to secure a GPA of 4.8 so far! And she did a 4.7 during semester 1! Oh gosh. Does it mean I can do it too? Haha. Stop dreaming, Delwynn. I probably have to sacrifice my bathing time even for that.

All right, work work.

A Fabulous Steamboat?

2009-11-27T15:12:00.000+08:00

Okay, it's now Friday and the exams period (inclusive of revision times) are more or less going to be over at long last! Finance didn't turn out as anatogonising to revise as accounting. It's probably due to my greater interest in finance and the fact I haven't really touch the past year exam papers yet.

One more day of FM and I should be able to skip forth to business law! I think the greatest challenge would be to balance speedy handwriting and decipherable wordings during that two and a half hours. I hope whoever's marking my paper don't get totally pissed off and just marked me a zero for that question. Ha.

Well, at least I manage to pass through A levels with my pathetic exam-time handwriting. I don't realyl know what's the problem. Should I get a gel pen later? Maybe I did write faster with it than the current 0.38 pen I'm writing with.

I will be dropping down to Sin Kuan's 21st tomorrow at some faraway eastern place. Not good. I'm probably going to be stuffing my head into the law textbook in the MRT. I really, really hope there's seats for me this time round. I don't want to end up with two broken legs again.

I'm holding a steamboat at my house on the very day of end-of-exams. Crazy right? We would probably be racing to get the soup base done and buy all the stuff we need. I think we will probably buy a bomb's worth of stuff. Ha. And Eileen will be staying back to clean the kitchen by herself, so no problem with the aftermath thing. I really hope someone knows what to buy and what to do with the steamboat. My mum wouldn't be around!

Alright, a few more questions and I'm gonna get to buying some food for my deprived stomach.

Faith

2009-11-26T23:29:00.000+08:00

Loneliness. Incompetence. Anger. Temptation. Competition. Betrayal. Anxiety. Arrogance. Negligence. Tears.

Hope. Joy. Beauty. Friendship. Birth. Family. Success. Laughter.

I made a few difficult choices this year.

I'm coming to something.

Hopeless

2009-11-25T23:14:00.002+08:00

I'm still making careless mistakes and unable to do some problems at the 11th hour.

I got over-arrogant.

Anger

2009-11-25T17:17:00.002+08:00

Okay, stop. Retrieve all that shit about excelling, being extraordinary crap...

After all, I'm still miserable. I'm not a single bit thankful because I'm over-estimating myself.

I forgot where I came from.

Screw myself.