It's Recess-time Somewhere

Ronda Storms - Now Fucking With Families All Over the State of Florida

2007-03-07T10:38:00.000-05:00

Ronda Storms, who wasn't just batshit crazy enough for Hillsborough County went and got herself elected to the Florida Senate last November. There, she continues the trend of batshit craziness.

Proposed legislation from Tampa's Sen. Ronda Storms would require
health care workers and abortion clinics to take DNA samples from
children younger than 16 who get pregnant.

[...]

If the bill passes, abortion clinics or doctors who don't comply with the law could face a two-year license suspension. So far Storms has no
co-sponsors. The bill has not been referred to a committee.

So let's say your daughter gets pregnant. You don't want to press charges against her irresponsible horny boyfriend and neither does she. You all just want to do whatever is best given the situation and move on in your lives. But no, there's no moving on! The Great State of Florida wants DNA samples.

Let say your daughter wants to have the child and the boyfriend wants to try to be a good daddy... but he can't because he's in jail. Let's say your daughter wants an abortion and just wants to put the whole thing behind her.... but she can't because she's wrapped up in a lawsuit she never wanted.

For someone who yaps (albeit sometimes incoherently) about being all family-friendly and whatnot, this putrid nonsense really has the potential to fuck with families when they are dealing with a serious crisis.

I think it might be time to for that lesbian motorcycle gang to ride up to Tallahassee and knock some sense into that woman.

I triple dog dare any of Florida's lawmakers to co-sponsor this rancid excuse for effective legislation.

Speaking of Ugly Cracks.....

2007-03-05T13:09:00.000-05:00

In trying to get a visual on just how ugly it really was, I came across this - best viewed at home (it's not at all work-safe) with a friend, family member or perhaps a stoner neighbor who does cartoon voice impressions.

Hat tip to Michelle Malkin is an Idiot for the nice CNN screen capture. Hopefully she'll be reporting soon on where the media was, and if they still smell funny.

John Kerry Gets His Kink On

2007-02-23T11:26:00.000-05:00

"I've had enough of 'nonbinding,' " said Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.),
who is helping to draft the new Democratic proposal.

Bring out the ball-gags and the fur-lined handcuffs. John Kerry is done with
this nonbinding vanilla nonsense and the Senate Floor might just get a lot more interesting!

Senate Democratic leaders intend to unveil a plan next week to repeal
the 2002 resolution authorizing the war in Iraq in favor of narrower
authority that restricts the military's role and begins withdrawals of
combat troops.

[...]

In both chambers, Democratic lawmakers are eager to take up
binding legislation that would impose clear limits on U.S. involvement
in Iraq after nearly four years of war. But Democrats remain divided
over how to proceed.

I'm not saying Pelosi and the fine folks in the House are ho-hum or frigid, but their non-binding resolutions just don't cut the muster and quite frankly bore me. Enough of that kinder, gentler stuff. Nay, the American people, want something hard-core and binding. So bring out the shackles, the restraints and the blindfolds and lets see where this plan goes.

I only hope we can watch all the uncensored action on C-SPAN and Dick Cheney is absent that day.

Are Beans Good For Cheney's Heart?

2007-02-22T08:35:00.000-05:00

... does the more he eat, the more he fart?

As much as I'd delight in seeing the whole lot of scoundrels involved in the Plame leak go down in a fiery crash of presidential pardons, I am of not of the school of counting my boogers before you sneeze. I am however, an apprentice in the school of making sophomoric pokes at the Vice President.
"There is a cloud over the vice president . . . And that cloud remains
because this defendant obstructed justice," Fitzgerald said.

"There is a cloud over the White House. Don't you think the FBI and the
grand jury and the American people are entitled to straight answers?"
Fitzgerald asked the jury.

Dan Froomkin may think Fitzgerald is alluding to going after Cheney or some of the other maggots in the Bush Administration, but it seems readily apparent to me that they were simply serving beans at the White House yesterday.

The Path to Freedom is Paved with Mixed Metaphors

2007-02-20T14:33:00.000-05:00

Not unlike George Washington's heroic crossing of the Delaware and defeating the British in the bitter cold, George W. Bush ambled down the Potomac bundled up in his toasty black wool trench coat to pay homage to our first President by courageously laying some wreath thingy at his grave, and gallantly making some bold analogies.

Mr. Bush drew an analogy between the Revolution and what he called
“a new war to defend our liberty and our people and our way of life,”
wording that left unclear whether he meant the combat in Iraq or the
broader fight against terror.

“With the advantage of hindsight, it is easy to take George
Washington’s successes for granted,” Mr. Bush said after enumerating
Washington’s achievements as commander of the Continental Army and
later as president. But “America’s path to freedom was long and it was
hard,” he continued, “and the outcome was never really certain.”

As an honest American citizen paying taxes in 2007, I too sometimes get war confused with drunken anal sex. But you'd think that the President, our Commander in Chief, the Decider who sits on the front lines of his warm and comfortable oval office each day cogitating on his stellar approval ratings and how well things are going in Iraq might remember the difference.

With both the war in Iraq and drunken anal sex, you never really know for certain how long it's gonna last but you can feel in the pit of your bowels that it is most definitely long and hard.

Condi's First Three-Way

2007-02-20T10:27:00.000-05:00

She thought it would be great fun. She thought she'd have another amusing anecdote to share at frat parties, baby showers and family reunions. But to all of our dismay, Condi, Ehud and Mahmoud had those first-time threesome jitters.

For the first time in her tenure, Rice sat down with Israeli Prime
Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud
Abbas. The three agreed only to keep talking.

Was it the jetlag? Was she gassy from the airplane food? Was she self-conscious about the three-day growth since her last bikini wax? Might a glass of wine have loosened her up a bit?

We can speculate and speculate until the donkeys come home to roost with the farm cats, but the sheepish threesome refused to even hold a joint press conference afterwards. We may never know what really went on during those two short furtive hours.

The one glimmer of hope that remains is the possibility of a future "meeting."

Israeli sources reported that Israel is now planning a bigger summit
that would include the U.S, Israel, Palestine, Egypt and Jordan.

I only pray that next time the TSA turns a blind eye to the decidedly more than three ounces of K-Y in her carry-on.

Friday Bart Blogging - Feb 9th, 2007 Edition

2007-02-09T07:57:00.000-05:00

Now that Bart knows the Pentegon's intelligence leading up to the Iraq War was simply "wrong," "distorted," "inappropriate" and "highly disturbing," and not illegal, he can go back to nibbling peacefully on his bone instead of orchestrating impeachment hearings.

Bush Provides Aid and Comfort to Known Wife Beater

2006-09-22T08:24:00.000-05:00

George Bush stops in Tampa, chats with the Bucs and wonders how hard he could beat his wife if he had biceps the size of Michael Pittman's.

Friday Bart Blogging - July 28th, 2006 Edition

2006-07-28T09:47:00.000-05:00

Bart ponders drafting new legislation that would grant doggies involved in the terrorism fight new protections against prosecution for past violations of the Anti-Sock Chewing Act of 2004.

Despite Her Prominent Adam's Apple, Ann Coulter Suggests Bill Clinton is Gay

2006-07-26T10:41:00.000-05:00

When she's not reading make-up tips in Cosmo on how to cover up an adam's apple or accusing 9/11 widows of enjoying their husbands' deaths, Ann Coulter is busy yapping on teevee about ex-presidents being homosexuals.

Ms. COULTER: I think that sort of rampant promiscuity does show some
level of latent homosexuality.

DEUTSCH: OK, I think you need to say that again. That Bill Clinton, you
think on some level, has - is a latent homosexual, is that what you're
saying?

Ms. COULTER: Yeah. I mean, not sort of just completely anonymous - I don't
know if you read the Starr report, the rest of us were glued to it, I have many passages memorized. No, there was more plot and dialogue in a porno movie.

[...]

Ms. COULTER: It's reminiscent of a bathhouse. It's just this obsession
with your own - with your own essence.

DEUTSCH: But why is that homosexual? You could say narcissistic.

Ms. COULTER: Right.

DEUTSCH: You could say nymphomaniac.

Ms. COULTER: Well, there is something narcissistic about homosexuality.
Right? Because you're in love with someone who looks like you. I'm not
breaking new territory here, why are you looking at me like that?

Maybe he's looking at you like that because you are completely batshit insane? But that's just a guess.

Jeb! Has a Dream....

2006-07-25T09:14:00.000-05:00

...only it's a wee bit different than the one Martin Luther King, Jr. had.

Folks, we don't have to wait until November. It appears that Jeb Bush is officially done doing any real Governor-ing. Instead he's gallivanting around Europe on a "trade mission," apologizing for his brother's saying naughty words, gleefully purchasing $71.38 of school supplies, and waxing philosophical about the good ol' days when he asked an aide to "kick their asses out," when those pesky reporters were getting on his nerves.

Now, I'm not 100% sure what a "trade mission" is or what might have been traded or whether it came in powder, pill or tab form, but it must have been something pretty strong for him to start daydreaming about Palm Beach County lobbing missiles at Deerfield Beach.

"Let's assume that Broward or Dade was a country and Palm Beach
lobbed a missile into Deerfield Beach or Hillsboro Beach. Or if we were
a small country and Canada attacked us in that way or Mexico did. Or,
worse yet, terrorist groups operating with impunity inside of another
country even though the United Nations had passed resolutions to get
them to disarm and had done nothing about it."

Jeb's just jealous of the Mid East leaders that get to deal with all the cool stuff like blood and guts and violence and war in their countries. But maybe if he gets to be the President some day he'll lead the US to being a net importer of violence rather than a net exporter. At the very least, it gives us something to aspire to.

Where There's a Will to Screw People Over, There's a Way

2006-07-24T15:08:00.000-05:00

True to their malicious, spiteful, vindictive and evil ways, the Bush Administration has found a new crafty way to screw over average tax payers and line the pockets of the wealthy.

Since they haven't been able to ass-rape Congress into repealing the estate tax completely, they're just gonna stop enforcing it.

The federal government is moving to eliminate the jobs of nearly half
of the lawyers at the Internal Revenue Service who audit tax returns of
some of the wealthiest Americans, specifically those who are subject to
gift and estate taxes when they transfer parts of their fortunes to their
children and others.

The administration plans to cut the jobs of 157 of the agency's 345 estate
tax lawyers, plus 17 support personnel, in less than 70 days.

[...]

Estate tax lawyers are the most productive tax law enforcement
personnel at the I.R.S., according to Mr. Brown. For each hour they work,
they find an average of $2,200 of taxes that people owe the government.

[...]

"This is not a game the poor will win, but the rich will," said
John Hruska, another I.R.S. estate tax lawyer in New York who, like Ms.
Phillips, is active in the National Treasury Employees Union, which
represents I.R.S. workers.

Colleen M. Kelley, the national union president, said: "If these
lawyers are not there to audit the gift and estate tax returns, then a
lot of taxes that should be paid will go uncollected, and that impacts
every taxpayer who is paying their fair share."

Shouldn't the bastards that are getting rich off of our fucked-up policies and lack of oversight at the very least pay their taxes? They're like bizzaro Robin Hood - robbing from the poor and giving to the rich. I know it's overused phrase, but if you aren't outraged, you aren't paying attention.

The Gospel of Anal Sex

2006-06-22T12:47:00.000-05:00

Maybe all you perverts out there already know about this one, but while I was making the blog rounds, I came across this from Skippy.

Anal sex is confusing to many Christians because of the attention
paid to the Bible's condemnation of homosexual acts. However, it's
important to realize that these often quoted scriptures refer only to
sexual acts between two men. Nowhere does the Bible forbid anal sex
between a male and female.

In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between
men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how "The virgins of
Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground," indicating how a
virginal maidens should position themselves to receive anal sex.
Another suggestive scripture tells of a woman's pride in her "valley"
(referring to her buttocks and the cleft between them) and entices
her lover to ejaculate against her backside: "How boastful you are
about the valleys! O backsliding daughter who trusts in her treasures,
{saying,} ' Who will come against me?' (Jeremiah 49:4) And in the
Song of Songs, the lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from
behind: "Draw me after you, let us make haste." (Song of Solomon, 1:4)

I would think this should be more than enough enticement for some of you to scorn that false idol, the Flying Spaghetti Monster and bring you back into the fold.

And by "back in the fold," I think you know what I mean.

Mainstream Media Knows It's Being Used

2006-06-20T10:13:00.000-05:00

You know how it works, you've been there before. You stay late to watch the band, you give the drummer that look. You know... the one that Nala gives Simba near the beginning of the first Lion King movie. You've been practicing it daily since you saw the movie.

You finally catch his eye, stumble out of the club together, and slip down the alley way between a dumpster and a beat up Cutlass. Under a moonless night sky, you do things with him that your mother can't pronounce and things you'll be too embarrassed to tell your best friend. Afterwards, he tells you that he must go, as his girlfriend is waiting for him.

"You know you're being used, but in a way you kind of like it."

During the June 18 edition of CNN's Reliable Sources, Gloria Borger,
a CBS News contributor and U.S. News & World Report contributing editor,
acknowledged that the media "are suckers" because of their coverage of
President Bush's surprise June 13 trip to Iraq. Adding that "[w]e do
like these secret trips," Borger concluded: "[Y]ou know you're being used,
but in a way you kind of like it because it's good pictures."

They lure you in with promises of fame and fortune, pleasure and pain. Even from the beginning, you know how it's going to end. You're encouraging the lies, savoring the deceit and gleefully lapping up each and every last drop of subterfuge. But you do it anyway for those fleeting tingles, hoping and praying that your actions don't hurt our flailing democracy or, heaven forbid give you another one of those nasty infections.

Friday Bart Blogging - June 9th Edition

2006-06-09T13:28:00.000-05:00

Bart celebrates Tom DeLay's leaving Congress by nibbling on his bone.

Friday Bart Blogging - June 2nd, 2006

2006-06-02T14:18:00.000-05:00

Bart sits like a good boy, anxiously awaiting a Karl Rove indictment, the mid-term elections and the end of the war in Iraq.

Open Thread - Feel Free to Say Nice Things About Me

2006-06-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

"Needless to say, not everybody has nice things to say about me," she
said, so "anybody who wants to say something nice, please feel free to do
so. You know, it's one of those things where it's occasionally important to
have a little bit of that positive affirmation. If nothing else, then I'll
have to call my parents, and the reality is they don't give it to me either."

Quote from Tracy Henke, the Executive Director of the Office of State and Local Government Coordination and Preparedness at the Department of Homeland Security and the genius who decided to cut DHS funding for New York City and Washington, D.C. by 40%.

McBride's "Pick up the Towel" Tour

2006-06-02T09:14:00.000-05:00

Now I don't know about you guys, but whether you're in a prison laundry room or are simply cleaning up after a particularly messy episode in the Quicky Mart restroom with that sexy young trucker you met on the highway, "picking up the towel" certainly carries with it some compelling connotations.

Just when you thought the Florida Senate race couldn't get any more pleasing, what with Katherine Harris continually entertaining us with her lively antics, we have Will McBride jumping in there with his "Pick up the Towel" tour.

The tour is scheduled to make stops in Naples and Homestead and then
work it's way up the east coast to Jacksonville and then across the
Panhandle. The McBride campaign promises that a schedule will be
posted on his website, www.mcbrideforsenate.com, but so far it's not
available.

McBride has dubbed his bus tour the "Pick Up The Towel" tour.

"For the past few months all I have heard is that the Republicans have
thrown in the towel because the pundits say Bill Nelson can't be
defeated,"” McBride said in a statement issued by his campaign. "But
I've seen the numbers and I know I can win, so I am here to pick up
the towel and provide Floridians a real choice this November."

Now I'm really torn. Do we continue with our regularly scheduled "Fear and Loathing In Longboat Key - On the Campaign Trail With Katherine Harris" tour, or do we follow the "Pick up the Towel" gang? Can we do both without getting arrested or dying from vaporlocking during snorting laughter? Help me out guys, cuz the cognitive dissonance here is just too much to bare.

via Florida Politics

What Happens at Republican Fundraisers Stays at Republican Fundraisers.

2006-06-01T11:30:00.000-05:00

Maryland Governor, Robert Ehrlich and President George Bush are seen her shamelessly pandering the to the Log Cabin Republicans at a fundraising event.

Give Me Wild Turkey or Give Me Death

2006-06-01T10:15:00.000-05:00

Wonkette has an interesting take on the Department of Homeland Security's seemingly bat shit crazy distribution of federal grants to fight the forces of darkness here at home, and I tend to agree with her.

Let's look on the bright side: We are relieved that DHS is clearly
so devoted to protecting the Midwest. That's where our nation's breweries
are, after all. In fact, with Kentucky and Tennessee - birthplaces of
America's best Whiskeys - also winning a couple million more bucks,
we're beginning to think those DHS guys have their priorities lined up
pretty well with ours. We wouldn't miss a monument or two - but take
away our bourbon and cheap beer, and you're taking away what really
makes America so great.

Who really cares if there's another catastrophic terrorist attack if we're all drunk? In fact, if we drink enough, we won't even remember it the next day.

However, that one non-drinking friend of yours who never hesitates to remind you of just what article of clothing you took off and threw around the room or who licked off the Wild Turkey you spilled on your blouse might still be traumatized.

The moral of the story is just stay drunk, George Bush's presidency will be over in two short years and you won't remember a thing. There will be a new President and a bottle of aspirin awaiting you in 2008.

Gagging Librarians During the Patriot Act Re-Authorization Debates

2006-06-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

Hot off the presses from the "Only in George Bush's America" file and rife with allusions to librarians being gagged, then leading to visuals of hot and kinky, bespectacled librarian sex, resulting in disturbing fantasies, we have this gem.

The NSL is a little known statute in the Patriot Act that permits
law enforcement to obtain records of people not suspected of any
wrongdoing and without a court order. As part of the NSL, those served
with the document are gagged and prohibited from disclosing that they
have even been served.

The foursome of Barbara Bailey, Peter Chase, George Christian,
and Jan Nocek were automatically gagged from disclosing that they had
received the letter, the contents of the letter, and even from
discussions surrounding the Patriot Act.

[...]

On September 9 of last year, a federal judge lifted the gag order
and rejected the government's argument that identifying the plaintiff
would pose a threat to national security.

Yet the government continued to appeal the case throughout the
reauthorization debate, passionately arguing that not a single incident
of civil liberties violations by the Patriot Act had occurred. By
continuing the appeal, the government effectively silenced any evidence
to counter their claims.

"This all happened during the reauthorization debate and the government
was saying no one's rights were being violated," said George Christian,
staff liaison for Library Connection and one of the plaintiffs in the case.

As the debate over the reauthorization of the Patriot Act heated up,
the librarians and others gagged by the NSL had to watch in silence,
intimately aware of dangers they believed were not being exposed.

All the while Barbara, Peter, George and Jan are gagged, unable to utter a peep, and doing lord-only-knows-what during the Patriot Act re-authorization debates, our Congressmen and women are voting on the extent they plan on taking away our civil liberties, without the benefit of knowing the true nature of these National Security Letters, because Barbara, Peter, George and Jan can't speak.

Dirty Lizard Sex

2006-05-27T14:24:00.000-05:00

In an attempt to make up for the lack of Bart Blogging this week, I give you this pic of dirty lizard sex.

Ah!..... springtime in Florida.... Here's to playing hooky on a beautiful Friday, being good and liquored up by noon and being coerced into taking cell phone snapshots of dirty lizard sex.

Who Knew Jesus Was So Hip to Local Politics?

2006-05-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

Jesus has spoken and Jesus sez Charlie Crist is gonna be Florida's next governor.

A reverend who introduced Republican gubernatorial candidate Charlie
Crist during a breakfast with other pastors Monday said the Lord came to
him in a dream two years ago and told him Crist would be the state's next
governor.

The Rev. O'Neal Dozier, pastor of the Worldwide Christian Center
in Pompano Beach, said that before the dream he did not know Crist,
nor had Crist made known his plans to run for governor.

"The Lord Jesus spoke to me and he said 'There's something I want
you to know,"' Dozier said. "'Charlie Crist will be the next Governor
of the state of Florida."'

Since then, Dozier has spent time with Crist and talked with him at
length about policy. He told the group that Crist would be
uncompromising in his Christian faith.

"I introduce to you, as the Lord Jesus has said, the next governor of
the state of Florida, Charlie Crist," Dozier said.

How some of these "religious" organizations retain their tax exempt status is unequivocally mind-boggling and how their leaders stay out of they psych wards is truly a wonder.

Katherine Harris, Charlie Crist and Pegging

2006-05-22T09:23:00.000-05:00

I know how much you guys hate it when I get on one of my Katherine Harris kicks, but I've been out to sea and carousing with drunken sailors for the past five days, and Katy is really just a breath of fresh air compared to all the rum, sodomy and lashes I've been exposed too lately.

So did you guys know that Florida gubernatorial candidate Charlie Crist dated Katherine Harris? Well, it was news to me.

Sure enough, the Republican front-runner for the Senate nomination
and the Republican front-runner for the gubernatorial nomination
acknowledged to the Buzz that they once dated.

"He's the nicest guy. I loooove his mom and dad," Harris said of the
attorney general from St. Petersburg.

"I thought she was charming and lovely. We had a nice couple of
dinners," Crist said by phone, pegging the time frame to more
than 10 years ago. "She has remained a dear friend and she is a great
public servant."

Notice the strategic placement of the word "pegging."

Just sayin'.

Katherine Harris - On Demand or In Demand?

2006-05-22T08:23:00.000-05:00

When she's not committing the fashion no-no of wearing pinstripe pants with a striped shirt, Katherine Harris whiles away the time dining on lobbyists tabs and accepting questionable campaign contributions.

Yessiree, another fancy dinner with lobbyist, Mitchell Wade at Citronelle in Washington, D.C. has surfaced.

Now it turns out that wasn't her first fancy meal with corrupt
contractor Mitchell Wade. Harris had dined with Wade previously at
the same tony Washington restaurant and failed to pay her share as
required by congressional rules, her campaign acknowledged Friday.

My Katherine, nay Our Katherine, in usual form was quick to defend herself.

"Do I look like I ate $2,800 in one sitting?" the petite congresswoman
quipped on Political Connections. "I always get a couple of appetizers
and something to drink."

And for those of you locals that just can't get enough Katherine Harris and missed the original airing, you can see her Political Connections interview for free on Brighthouse Channel 340 - Tampa Bay on Demand.