Baby Steps to Baby Shoes

Navigating the Land of IF

2009-06-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

I am finally coming back out of the woodwork, just in time to join in on the discussion of the book written by our very own Stirrup Queen Mel:Navigating the Land of IF.

I must admit I read the book while holding my napping son. I am sure that colors my perspective of the book and I may have had a different take on things if I were still in the trenches, waiting for my baby. I was so excited when the book arrived in the mail from Amazon. One of our own, making good! I don't know what kind of royalties Melissa brings in on each book, but even if it is only pennies, I am so glad that mine could go her way for all that she has done for this community.

Now, on to the questions:

Did you read the whole book, or skip the parts that you feel don’t apply to your situation? For example, if you are not entertaining adoption or living child-free as options right now, did you skip those parts? If you read them, did you discover anything about those options that you hadn’t understood prior to reading the book?

I can proudly say I did read the whole thing. Given that we considered many different options (including adoption and being on the verge of ivf) and are potentially not done with our family-building, I wanted to learn it all. Plus, I am one of those type-As that has difficulty not reading from back to front. I had thorouhgly researched adoption, so can't say that those sections were much of a revelation, but the child-free section did give me a new perspective on that life. it's not a choice I think I was ever willing to make, so Melissa's description of how one gets to that point intrigued me and provided me more understanding.

What part of the Land of IF are you currently residing in, & do you think Melissa paints an accurate picture of the situation there?

I was fortunate enough to get a pass off the island and have my beautiful son, but infertility is still part of my identity. In fact, now that I have the benefit of being a mother, it's a lot easier to "come clean" about our infertility. In fact, I tell every one I get the chance to that this baby wasn't an easy "oops" and that I know just how lucky I am to be in this position. It still stings when people mention how much easier having another will be (as if that is a foregone conclusion). Although my ship has sailed from the land of IF, my heart remains with those still trapped there because I will never forget the pain and the hurt that each day brought when all I wanted was a baby and that likelihood got farther and farther away. I think about those with empty arms every night. And when I pray with my son each night, we mention those who long to be mommies and those children who long to have a family.

Navigating the Land of If covered many different aspects of infertility. What topic do you wish had been added or expanded on?

Although there were different aspects of the emotional part of the journey scattered throughout the book, I wish there had been one consolidated section to discuss the different cycle of feeling (sort of like the cycle of grief) and why it's ok to feel that way. Also, I wish there had been a more thorough discussion of being an infertile based upon a partner's diagnosis and specifically the stigma attached to male infertility.

If you are a reader of Melissa's blog, did you find the book to be a same or different style and why?

There were parts of the book that were classic Stirrup Queen- like the "note" she gives the reader to take with her on those days when a friend is needed. I do believe Melissa would hold each struggling IFer's hand if she only could. But there were other areas of the book that felt as if they were more the result of editing and didn't "sound" like Mel. And although I liked many of the "navigational tips," the flow of text being broken up was often distracting to me.

Kudos to Melissa for all of her hard work on this book and I can only hope she might end up on a book tour here in the Twin Cities, so I could congratulate her in person!

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list here. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Moose by Stephanie Klein.

I couldn't have said it better

2009-05-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to share this because of how powerful it is for both those with babies and those who are still waiting. I have my own thoughts on my first Mother's Day but haven't been able to articulate them well yet.

Thank you, Baby Story!

2009-04-24T10:50:00.000-07:00

The other day while I held my baby as he napped (that is another post to come), I turned on the tv and couldn't find much on other than A Baby Story. I had watched the show a very few times at the very end of my pregnancy as a way to mentally prepare for birth. It's usually just drippy emotionalism and I was usually disappointed because it was typically someone who easily got pregnant and had a breezy pregnancy. But not this time.

The woman featured openly discussed their infertility (both male and female factor) and how she had gotten pregnant with IUI. It was not a circus and there was not a judgmental air about the discussion as has surrounded the octo-mom issues. It was just matter of fact. These were just normal, married people who wanted to have a baby like every body else. The episode ended with the new mother explaining how much this baby meant to her after all they had gone through.

A tear fell down my cheek as I looked down at my own little miracle. Why can't the public talk about infertility in just this way- open and factually? I give credit to the producers of A Baby Story for their portrayal of infertility.

Train Wreck

2009-02-11T19:35:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's been a while. But I find the old infertile in me (I subscribe to the once an infertile, always an infertile theory) still popping up once and a while.* And this has been one of those weeks.

In part because the coworker who began trying a few months after we did and had her baby in September of 2007 is now pregnant with number 2, again after only a few months of trying. I will never understand why it comes so easily for some. And she has the uncanny ability to have her events coincide with mine. The day her baby was born I was going for my first IUI which resulted in me in tears because of the count results. And coworker told me of her pregnancy today as I get ready to go the endocrinologist tomorrow to very likely learn that I am pre-diabetic and possibly insulin resistant and may need to go on metformin. My gestational diabetes didn't just disappear. So, the question of a number 2 is fraught with a lot more problems on my part.

But the infertile in me came to the forefront even more so due to the story that people can't help but talk about- yes, the octuplets and their mother. I confess. I watched it. The Dateline interview, that is. A definite train wreck. It was the story of an infertile gone bad. I could sympathize with her desire to have children and even wanting to use the embryos she had left over and not selectively reducing. But how did she get to the point where she needed to do have these pregnancies in a serial fashion? Her uterus must be made of steel. Not even discussing the issues of finances and how fair this is to any of her children, but what possessed her not to be grateful for the one or even the two or three she had before she got into the level of a litter of children?

I feel so grateful for the one I have that if I never get another, it's ok. I look at my son each night and thank God that I was given this little miracle. Being on the "other side" now, I can say with certainty that infertility IS different when you already have a child, even if you want more. It is not the same and it can never be the same. When did Nadya Suleman lose that perspective?

*And at what point can one be considered secondarily infertile given that there is already a diagnosis? Not that I am trying for number 2 at all right now, but it's something I ponder- when? After six months (given that I am now over 35-sigh)? It's all a semantics game.

What a difference a year can make

2008-12-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

This time last year I was in a holding pattern. We had been to adoption agencies and debating ivf. I spent the first quarter of 2008 losing weight in anticipation of beginning a cycle in early summer. I never could have imagined that the end of 2008 would be bring me the title of mother. And certainly not in the way it came about. I am simply overwhelmed that I now have a son. Most days, I am still thinking someone will wake me up from this dream realized.

For 2009, I pray that the babies born to those in the infertility community this year flourish, especially Robbie. And for those with continued longing, I want 2009 to be the year you bring your babies home.

Zachary's blog

2008-12-19T18:40:00.000-08:00

can be found at Critter Tales.

We're home today

2008-12-10T17:26:00.000-08:00

what a thrill it was to bring our little guy home. We have a new blog set up just for him and all of my baby issues will be there- url to come. This blog will remain for infertility issues.

Welcome Zachary William

2008-12-06T23:17:00.001-08:00

Zachary William was born at 6:53 pm Central Standard Time, December 6, 2008, delivered by C section. He weighed 8 pounds 7.8 ounces, and is 21.5 inches long.

His name means "The Lord has remembered." And He has. We both feel truly blessed with our precious gift from God.

Mrs. Shoes is doing fairly well but still in a lot of pain. Perhaps you will get a new left handed post from her tomorrow if she feels well enough.

Frustrated

2008-12-05T20:58:00.001-08:00

after 10 hours of pitocin, still no further dilation. they are going to run it until midnight and then turn it down until morning. I may get to eat a little something then.

Friday night

2008-12-05T16:16:00.001-08:00

this is the first I have been able to type and it is left-handed. The day has been long and it is far from over. Went in at 7:30 and two nurses each tried twice to get in an iv. had to call in a specialist after four blown veins. my cervix was the same as yesterday. at 9:30 they put in cervadil, but had to pull it two hours later because I was having contractions of 6 mins in duration. Apparently, that is rare and not good for baby. With nothing else to try, they started the pitocin at 1:00 at a very low dose. it's 6 and still not in active labor. If I can get a little dilated, they will break my water. Tomorrow might be optimistic for baby. I am hungry.

Room at the Inn

2008-12-05T04:07:00.000-08:00

There is a bed for us at the hospital so that is a promising start at least. I imagine it is going to be a long day given the state of my unfriendly cervix. I will try to update from there and DH will post a birth announcement when we finally get to that point.

Just call me Betsy Ross

2008-12-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

because my vagina is feeling very patriotic these days- red, white and blue!

There was no change this morning despite hard contractions coming three to four minutes last night that prevented a second goo application. But this morning they were able to get in the other gel (white rather than blue) that goes directly on my cervix. Of course, this was after two cervical exams because the first nurse couldn't find any dilation at all despite a lot of digging around. This white gel caused no cramping or contractions and I had the easiest day of the week so far. I had a bit of bleeding in the afternoon so wondered if maybe it was some bloody show, but I think it was just irritation from the rather rough cervical gropings. And I was able to go back tonight for a second dose for the first time all week. This nurse had huge hands and I thought I was going to come off the table when she delved into my nether regions. But at least I had made some progress- about 75-80% effaced, 2 centimeters dilated and soft rather than firm. So my Bishop's score has gone from 4 to 6, need an 8.

Oh and the best part was the nurse tonight tells me I have my own supply of prostaglandins at home (wink, wink). It took me a minute, but then I realized to what she was alluding. And she explained the old wives' tale about that one is really true. Yes, after having my vagina assaulted five times today and having it bleed a bit and leak goo most of the day- I really want to have sex.

For any Grease 2 fans, I guess I should start humming, "Let's do it for our country, the red, white and the blue . . .

Stalled

2008-12-02T14:59:00.000-08:00

The ol' cervix is not cooperating. I was able to get the gel this morning because I wasn't contracting. Unortunately, all of these contractions aren't leading to any progress- still only 1.5 cm dilated. This afternoon I have had the pretty constant contractions and if they don't settle down soon, I won't be able to get another gel treatment this evening. I don't mind the pain, I just wish it was causing something to happen.

My body is up to something

2008-12-01T18:33:00.000-08:00

I went in for my first prostoglandin gel application this morning. before it began I was still only 1 centimeter dilated and 50 percent effaced. I had a really rough rest of the day, It felt like the worst crampy period ever, intermixed with some serious contractions. When I called to go back in for second application at 3, they were too busy, so I didn't go back in until 6:30 When i finally got hooked up, they couldn't do the gel this evening because I was having too many contractions- about 1 every two minutes or so per the monitor so they sent me home. I am still only 1-1.5 cm dilated but now 80 percent effaced. I feel slightly better in that I wasn't crazy in the afternoon- I was actually having painful contractions and it wasn't all in my head. I have to go back in the morning.

Harumph

2008-11-28T13:45:00.000-08:00

I had my last OB appt today. No progress. I am still one cm dilated and 50% effaced. Baby is at -3 station And the baby is still head down, but has flipped from side-facing to sunny side up. The OB "changed" my induction date which annoyed me. For weeks, we have discussed December 2, but now we are on definitely on the hospital schedule for next Friday Dec. 5. Meanwhile, starting on Monday, I go in once or twice a day for cervical ripening. Such fun.

Thankfulness

2008-11-27T06:23:00.000-08:00

In 1863 Abraham Lincoln issued the following proclamation [in part]:

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God. . . . No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy.
It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People. I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.

I have been so incredibly blessed this year- not only with a baby on the way, but also a husband who loves me, a family who cares for me, and material wealth and security so far beyond what most of the world's population can even imagine. With gratitude in my heart, I give thanks beyond what words can speak.

Alpha and Omega

2008-11-24T11:00:00.000-08:00

On Thursday, I sent out two cards. Interestingly enough, both to the same town in Texas to two families who don't know each other and probably never will.

The first is to celebrate the joyous arrival of Benjamin. I can't tell you how excited I am that this little ivf miracle is here. His mama and I have "known" each other online for over two years. I imagine that one day our babies will finally get to meet and play together.

The other card was a sympathy card for a family who lost a beautiful 31-year-old woman. Although I knew her only through her sister-in-law who is my friend, I felt a certain connection because I knew she was "one of us"- an infertile. I didn't know all the details, but knew how long they had tried and didn't seek medical treatment. I often wondered how she dealt with the news of both of her sisters-in-law being unexpectedly pregnant within minutes of their weddings even though they were married years after she was. This year, they finally decided to pursue more testing and found out that she had severe endometriosis. So severe that a hysterectomy was recommended-ending all hope for a biological child. What a blow that must have been. But her infertility journey was not to end there. Tragically, during surgery her aorta was punctured and she bled to death. And now her young husband is left only with grief.

A beginning and an end.

Last day of work

2008-11-24T07:33:00.001-08:00

and still have on heels (albeit a fairly boring pair of 2.5 inch T-strap Mary Janes).

Inching along

2008-11-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

Well, centimeters actually, but that doesn't work well in verb form. I am 1 cm dilated and the OB could feel the baby's head. I had a handful of mild contractions on the NST. My fluid ultrasound was a robust 14. The OB is concerned about the size of my "very narrow" and "triangulated" pelvis (oh and hadn't she mentioned this before?- um no, but thanks). So, she launched into the c-section spiel- how I shouldn't be surprised or disappointed if it ended up that way. SHe was doing quite the job of letting me down easy.

I quickly reassured her that I am not one of those women that has any particular notions about my "birth experience"- just get 'er done. The baby is of a size not to be concerned with a vaginal delivery, but she is concerned about the big head (I am blaming DH for that one) fitting through my narrowness. I have had a feeling all along that a c-section was the mode I woud be going, so I wish we could just schedule it now. Anyhow, at next week's appointment, we are to "make a plan" depending on what the ol' cervix is up to.

Full term

2008-11-19T06:59:00.003-08:00

Yup, 37 weeks today. It's so surreal to think we are going to have a baby in less than two weeks' time.

Planning Conception and OB update

2008-11-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

Last Thursday, I had my final appointment with the pregnancy and diabetes clinic. As part of the spiel, they went over my risk for type II diabetes in later life and gestational diabetes in subsequent pregnancy. The nurse gave me a rather long lecture aout how important it is to have my blood sugars in line at conception and through 10 weeks because of the risk of neural tube defects. She advised that "the minute" I go off birth control, I have the OB test my fasting levels. Umm, yeah, like I am going on birth control and like I have any idea at the possibility, not to even mention, the actual timing of a subsequent conception. I was trying not to snicker because she was so earnest.

Last Friday's OB appointment included my first cervical check which hurt more than I believed possible. No dilation going on, but I did have a contraction (which I didn't feel) on the NST.

Not a ten-pounder

2008-11-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

I had my growth ultrasound today. Baby was at 67th percentile again and estimated to be 6 lbs. 10 oz. Baby is still measuring about two weeks ahead overall, but that huge head is at over 39 weeks. The head is already a little over 9 cm. I am not sure how that is going to work since dilation only goes up to 10 cm?

But at least we are talking more like an 8 lb baby if I go to December 2, which is only THREE weeks from today. The very cool thing is I got to see baby "practice breathing." And I had a significant contraction on the NST today, so that was something new.

NSTs

2008-11-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Rachel asked for a description of NSTs, so here is a rundown.

The nurse puts two straps around or a belly band (they used the belly band at the hospital). Two monitors are used; they are basically just plastic discs of a few inches in diameter connected by wires to a machine. The first is placed high and measures uterine contractions, the second they use the ultrasound gel and aim for baby's heartbeat based on what we know of positioning of baby. The monitor plots on the same page both the baby's heartrate and uterine activity- think a printout like an ekg.

Increased heartrate indicates movement, so they are looking for a certain number of increases within a specified time. If the baby isn't showing movement, which is often the case with me because of the time of the test (too bad I couldn't do these at about 8 p.m.), they have me drink cold water (juice would be ok for non-gd situations) to get baby moving. After about 30 minutes, if the nurse thinks there has been sufficient movements (they usually make me go 45 minutes, at least, due to my sleepy baby) she will tear off the printout and bring it to an OB to review. Often, the monitor will not show the actual movements I feel, especially with the straps rather than the band because the baby's movement actually causes the monitor not to pick up the change in heartrate. Even if baby is not terribly cooperative with the accelerations in heartrate, it is reassuring to hear that thump-thump for so long.

I am sure the sperm were really relaxed

2008-11-10T10:30:00.000-08:00

I had my usual fluid check ultrasound on Friday, but had a new tech. She commented on the bruises from my insulin injections and also the scars from the gall bladder surgery (rather impertinent, but she said, she "didn't want to hurt me"). After explaining both, I commented that this hadn't been an uneventful pregnancy and I threw in, as I often do, that it had been a while in coming. She then asked if we had done fertility treatments. Not one to be shy about infertility when asked, I explained that we had but that this baby was a result of an unassisted cycle just prior to a planned ivf cycle.

Then, she made the cardinal sin of saying, "That happens a lot. I think it's because people relax." I replied with the sarcasm dripping as loudly as I could get the faucet going, "Since our infertility was exclusively male factor, I guess it was that the sperm just needed to relax in order to multiply sufficiently." She actually said, "That must have been it." And she meant it.

I really hope I don't get her again.

Show and Tell through Cross-Pollination

2008-11-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

Today's post is from a guest blogger, courtesy of the Great Blog Cross-Pollination set up by Geohde. Check her blog for a list of participants, and from there try to guess who wrote this post and leave your guess in the comments. And THAT is where you'll actually find Mrs Shoes today.

Show & Tell: The Table

Awhile back I shared some souvenirs we brought back from the 2 years we lived in the Middle East. Today I'm showing and telling about the gift I got for my husband's birthday in 1998, from the souk in Damascus.

It's just a table.

That opens up.

For cards.

Or checkers or chess.

Or backgammon.

Mostly, it's a decoration. We haven't had time for such games in, oh, 7 years or so.

For more Show & Tell, check with Lollipop Goldstein the teacher.