Pachucoville

This time...

2009-11-25T11:45:00.001-08:00

This time I don't have to plan when to get over there

This time I don't have to go at all

Last time I made them come here, she barely made it, and hardly ate

Last time was the last time

This time nothing will be cooked by our hands

This time not planning anything

Dad and I will eat, less one

Dad and I will do something new

The next three months will be hard

Holiday, holiday, bday, bday

She won't call, hug, or say 'Que dios te bendiga'

This time I will miss my mom

Aztlan Underground:Sacred Circle Remix 2009

2009-11-24T16:12:00.001-08:00

One of my all time favorite AUG tracks.
I consider it The Prayer of Los Xicanos
Perfect to reflect on this Thankstaking week

November pics n tales

2009-11-24T12:51:00.000-08:00

After the DoD festivities and winding down a lil bit there was work and play to be had.

One last DoD event was the Tropico de Nopal annual fashion show. These two were my favorite not just because I know them but both had subtle political and personal statements within the intricacy of the fashion.

The following week was the monthly LA Art Walk. These were found at Crewest.

The opening of the Eastside Gold Line extension was reason for a good block party around Mariachi Plaza.

This past weekend I hit San Francisco with a fun crew of peeps. We got to Chinatown, Plump DJs @ Mighty, Ferry Building, Blue Bottle Coffee, Saulsalito, Jeno @ Mars Bar, The End Up, Lime, Lembic (sp?) in Haight, and back on planes, trains, and automobiles.

On Monday I went in to get my last wisdom teeth pulled. It was nasty. Dr. had to break one of them because it was weird.

Dia de los Muertos by Wendy Carillo

2009-11-07T14:01:00.001-08:00

Chingona Chicana Wendy captures the beauty and poetry of DoD.

Mil Gracias

LA Day of Dead weekend...

2009-11-04T09:22:00.001-08:00

I haven't done a weekend recap in a while and since I'm in a quiet but sharing mood here you go:

Thursday I went to my homie Rueben Mendoza's Contemporary Chicano Issues class at ELAC to participate in a discussion on Blogotitlan with Cindylu and Random Hero. The students were very cool and I think they like the idea of blogging and how we as Raza are making a mark in cyberlandia. We went to eat at Ordonez after and then I went home to do some quick emails.

Later I hit the streets to check out Brooklyn n Boyle's new installation about dead soldiers. I don't agree with celebrating dead soldiers. I know its to heal the families of those who went off to kill in the name of the USofA but I can't shake the feeling that it is glorifying war and supporting our killing machine. I let Abel know this when I got there. We get along that way. After this we all rolled over to Eastside Love.

It was $5 at the door and I was ready to turn around and walk to the bar next door for a drink, cause I ain't paying $5 for bar. To my surprise the generous Rueben Mendoza paid the entry fee for 5 of us. Gracias! Once inside the El Conjunto Los Pochos was hitting the stage. It perplexed me even more to hear these guys after a $5 cover charge because on any given morning or afternoon, heck even in the evening in Boyle Heights, if you are in a decent restaurant there is usually a strolling conjunto that plays the same songs that these guys on stage were doing, and in most cases with less off key notes. I asked one of my homies what was the difference between these guys and the conjuntos I've heard at Chispa de Oro and he quickly replied, "These guys are Pochos its harder for them to hit the notes and sing in Spanish, I guess." LOL

I bailed out of there at 12:25am in order to get home to watch "Star Trek: The Next Generation." It's on at 12:30 am on Ch. 5 in case any fellow Trekies didn't know.

Friday: I got up and did some laundry, ran some errands and then met V.V in Burbank to get on our way for a night in Valley. We met up with some homies at Claim Jumper for drinks. Yeah I know but we're in the Valley what else is there? Acapulco? El Torito? Flavor and funk is in short supply out there. Anyway, its about the company not about having a watering hole with style and good drinks. We had a good time and then we left to rendevous at Pierce College for the Corn Maze. I try do this every year, it's the little hillbilly in me I suppose. We had a blast running around scarrying each other and getting lost.

After this we went back to CSUN for MEChA's Day of the Dead party which is always great. This year was no exception. Lots of people, great bands including Very Be Careful and Quinto Sol, teatro from Las Ramonas and tasty food. One side trip on campus we did was to try and 'hear' the ghost of the Asian House. Apparently it is afraid of or doesn't like Mexicans because it didn't come out while we were there, but as soon as we left Mamma M called and said it made all kinds of noise. I wouldn't come into a room if I knew Mexicans were sitting in the dark waiting for me.

Later I got a ride back with Soul Rebel Miguel because he wanted to go on a taco hunt in NoHo. I had my doubts. After driving around and watching all the trucks shut down and drive down Vineland at 1:00 am we ended up at a stand somewhere on Vineland. It was ok. Nothing memorable.

Saturday: Very simple, Lili and I picked up the Noodles and hit Monster Massive, then Deeper Moods where Noodie Suli was spinning at 2 am. It was Noodie Lana's b-day earlier in the week so we were celebrating! HAPPY BIRTHDAY LANITA! All love to my girl. MM was crazy, thanks to Reza for getting me tix ahead of time we were able to get in with little drama. It was super packed and even though we hung out in VIP getting from one VIP to another was hellish. Sometimes the crowd would just move you in another direction. Total mob rule.

The shuttle for Deeper Moods was on Santa Fe and the space was on the Boyle Hts./Vernon border. Very cool. I had heard of this place for months, so glad I got to see it in full swing. Of course Suli rocked it. We crawled out of there at sun up.

Sunday: chill out. Good food at Hecho en Mexico, thanks to Gumby for posting it on FB. Gumby was still there when I got there and he sent over some michiladas and a bucket of beer. What a great and generous guy. Thanks homes always.

Monday: came to work and right back to Los. I made a stop at the site where we scattered my mom's ashes for a quiet moment. Got a quickie car wash, got some last minute stuff at Ozzie Dots and home to get ready for my MC gig at Self Help Graphics Day of the Dead. I had to be on site by 4 pm. I got there without my calvera makeup wearing my rented Mariachi suit. My goal was to be a vampiro mariachi this year. I got my bite marks on my neck but my calvera makeup didn't imply anything about me being vampire-ish.

Lalo Alcaraz was co-MCing with me so it was sure to be a great time.
The new location, full moon and thick spirit of Eastside DoD celebration made it all magical. The bands all impressed. The Camino de Calaca Coutoure was awesome! We had anyone who wanted to strut their calaca wear walk on stage after I read their description and dedication. The big hits were Lilifor's tribute to migrant workers that had here flossing huge angel wings made of fence and barbed wire. When I read her description at the end it said "Because we didn't cross the borders, the borders crossed us!" I used that opportunity to get the audience to cheer that and boy did they! Like five times I went "We didn't cross the borders!" and they would cheer back "The Borders crossed us!!!" louder and louder, it was beautiful.
Bunny Martha was also a hit in her ensemble called "The Death of Higher Education" the scariest of all the ensembles. People really reacted to it. Education, as all Raza knows, is the only way for us to change things for the better and one of the better ways to reach our highest potential.

By the end of the night my toes were killing me. I had to wear botines that were very pointed. I now understand what women go through for fashion's sake.

And that's how I did it this DoD weekend.

semester's horizon

2009-11-04T08:26:00.001-08:00

One month and half to go til we break for the winter, ending the Fall semester.
Some students have left, some have fallen off and are trying to get back on, others are clueless, some are cruising through focused and determined. Pressure is building as term papers and final project deadlines are approaching fast.
With Thankstaking break being a week long break in many cases, students need to plan these final days with clarity in order to fulfill school, family and work needs.
I'm writing this in class as we do a peer review of an essay due this weekend. They are reading each others papers making notes on how to improve or what they liked about them. I've seen these students grow since this summer. Some really have blossomed and get it others are still dealing with the fog of teen needs like boyfriends and other commitments they believe right now are so important. One from this class is out taking care of their new born baby boy. She will have to do without peer reviews.
Some don't see the approaching end and will freak out on the last week wondering where did all the time they thought they had go. And so it is with life, no?

Dia de los Muertos

2009-11-02T10:16:00.000-08:00

Today, three months ago, almost to the minute, my mom took her last breaths in this plain of reality. I have been grieving in my own way. I feel her with me, helping me make decisions and pushing me sometimes to step out of my comfort zones. Her voice in a whisper tells me its ok to just go for it.
I've been told that in the Lakota tradition the dead stick around retracing their life path, figuring out their new reality, while still being able to see this one and their loved ones. After a year of going between the worlds of the living and of the dead they move on and stay in the next world.
I guess this has stuck me and I don't feel the need to build an altar or be all DoD about my mom. She is with me still. I don't have to invite her to visit me.
Last night a friend let me watch her set up her altar in her house for her loved ones. I went home and made a small one for all those I know who are beyond our realm of senses.
In the middle of the night there were quite a few noises in my house. Bumps, creaks, steps and claps. I didn't get scared. They are welcome. All who come to help me reach my highest potential are welcome in my house. Those who lost their way and are not working with the light know they cannot enter my house. I can destroy them. I let all of them know this: be with the light, bring it, share it or go back to where you came and find it within.
I miss my mom. I have a long ride back to LA today, I take that alone time to reflect. I will remember, to never forget.
To all our relations.

Happy Halloween

2009-10-31T15:54:00.000-07:00

Growing up my family used to decorate our old Victorian with cob webs, fake spiders, rats, ghosts, and make of dummies with old clothes stuffed with older clothes. Everyone would get into it. Dad would be at the door which led to the walkway to our house. He would let only small groups of kids in at a time. Some kids would be too scared to come in. I would be on the roof with a speaker next to me blasting screams and moans from a special effects record and dropping a basketball wrapped in a sheet on top of people who came to the porch where the candy was. My mom and cousin would be there dressed up giving out candy to the brave one who made it. Sometimes one of them would pretend to be one of the mannequins and lay still until a group of kids would get close then just move an arm or make a noise. Grandma would be on the sides in a white dress waving her arms 'ghost' like.
We made a kid pee in his pants once!
When the numbers would die down I would get to play my music loud from the roof top and do a little dance in south central.

96,000

2009-10-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

U2 sold out the Rose Bowl and showed it all on Youtube.

As you know here in Pachucoville U2 rules. I've been going to see them since the Joshua Tree tour. I did miss the last two tours but not for want. I did go see the 3D movie last year. Anyhow this time I wasn't going to miss them.

I rolled with the homies: Lili and the Bunnies. We met up on the Gold Line and walked it from Memorial Station to the Rose Bowl, according to my phone 1.8 miles. We got in just in time for Black Eyed Peas' third song. Heard Will.I.AM say he was raised in Boyle Hts. Fergie got down singing Guns n Roses' "Sweet Child O' Mine" with Slash playing lead. Dope. They were super hyped to be opening for U2. I never thought they had it in them to open like that, but the BBPs really can put on a show.

Lili and Bunny Greg had never been to a U2 concert, while Bunny Martha and I are veterans. It was cool to see them enter the U2 collective orgasm.

One of the best moments for me was when they did "Unforgettable Fire" a song they hadn't performed in over ten years!

This is a live version of "Unforgettable Fire" (not from my camera) from this tour:

This is the video for "Where the Streets Have No Name" which was shot in downtown LA in the summer of 1987. It was the first day of school for me at LACC and I had to miss this. All I did was listen to KROQ as they told peeps to get down there. My aunt worked in a sweat shop in the building next door. I used to eat at Vivian's a greasy spoon kitty corner to the building where U2 performed. I like to think this song is about LA or maybe Mexico, because we tell directions by landmark. For example: "go straight til you see a bank and the turn left, go down to the 7/11 then right and look for the house with the swings." Hence, Streets With No Name.

Love U2. They are the litmus test to know if you are part of Generation X. I don't know any Gen X'ers who don't like U2. The younger ones seem to think Radiohead is just as good, HA!

Here is the set list:

U2 @ Rose Bowl, 10/25/09 Pasadena, CA
-set list-

Breathe
Get On Your Boots
Magnificent
Mysterious Ways
Beautiful Day "God Only Knows" snippet
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For "Stand By Me" snippet
Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of
No Line on the Horizon
Elevation
In A Little While
Unknown Caller
Until The End Of The World
The Unforgettable Fire
City Of Blinding Lights
Vertigo "It's Only Rock 'n' Roll (but I like it)" snippet
I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight "Two Tribes" snippet
MLK
Walk On / You'll Never Walk Alone
Encore:
One "Amazing Grace" snippet
Where The Streets Have No Name
Encore 2:
Ultraviolet (Light My Way)
With Or Without You
Moment of Surrender

Here is the full show from Youtube

Guanajuato 2009 Festival Internacional Cerventino CLETA

2009-10-21T10:27:00.000-07:00

It was a last minute decision to go to Guanajuato for the Festival Internacional Cervantino . Alberto and Lea stopped by my place to pick up some music and invited me to come with their teatro group: CHUSMA. It was three weeks away, I needed to get my passport updated, find a flight and hopefully a place to stay. Alberto had said we would all be sleeping on the floor of a communal house where all the teatros stay at. That didn't sound enticing to me. I like a bed when I travel to nice cities.

I heard it was a "Mexican Burning Man." The website made it look very bourgie. Others said it was cool. When I doubted going a dear friend just said "You have everything you need to go, friends, a place to stay, a festival to see, a city you haven't seen in a long time, a little bit of time to go, so what is stopping you?" So I went.

I got to Leon at 6:15 am local time on the 15th, the second day of this 36 year old festival. I met Lea at Vips, at 8:15 after being a little lost and waiting around for nearly an hour. The last time I was in GTO I also arrived in the morn and waited around for hours for a woman. That was 14 years ago.

The Festival Internacional Cervantino (FIC) began in 1972. The Festival Internacional Cervantino of CLETA (FICC) began in 1975. FIC is sponsored by the Mexican government and features world renown artists with ticket prices starting at $30 (US) and up to $100+. The FICC is about providing an option to the "elitism" of the FIC and features artists from all over the world who perform in the various plazas, alleys, shopping malls, tourist spots, and street corners throughout the 3 week festival. Chusma was there for the CLETA and it was dope.

Funded in part by the European Union, the CLETA had a base camp at the Jardin San Pedro. We ended up finding a room a block and half away. We had a short walk to get to meetings, workshops, have rehearsals, meals, and entertainment every night from 8-midnight.

Chusma was scheduled to perform Friday at La Plaza de Los Angeles (how appropriate), Saturday at Plaza Pozuelos (an indoor mall) and Sunday at the Jardin San Pedro the base camp where a lot of the CLETA participants came to at night to see teatro, dance, bands, singers and performance art.

The first day (Thursday) Lea, Alberto and Eddie were there, so we took off to San Miguel de Allende (SMA) since it was the only day they didn't have rehearsal or a performance. SMA has been in a couple of Robert Rodriguez films and is known as an international artist colony. It is very beautiful. You can see the horizon in SMA versus the hillsides of the bowl where GTO sits. We came back that night and were tired, so we just kicked it at the Jardin chatting it up with beers for $1!!!

In the morning DJ Papalotl aka Diana, Gustavo, Goretti & Sander arrived. Goretti & Sander had their own place around the corner from ours. We were six in a room at the Canta Ranas Hotel. The place was clean but the owner was more of mother superior, telling us how loud we were and to keep it down. What did she expect from a teatro group filled with fun, loud people?

The teatro was complete now and they had a performance at Plaza Los Angeles at 6pm. They would have rehearsal at the Jardin while Eddie and I ran around town taking it all in and making flyers announcing all the upcoming shows from the Chicano Teatro from Los Angeles, Califaztlan. We met them later at the Jardin and helped move props and costumes to the Plaza.

Most mornings we would have breakfast at the Mercado Hidalgo. We would have fresh fruit and vegetable juices and then either tacos, cocktails or soups of various seafood, tortas, huevos con chorizo, chilaquiles or something else that was hearty and would get us through to lunch.

The first performance was delayed due to clown activities and setting up a makeshift dressing in strong winds. Either way the show was good. That night at the Jardin we saw a group of 30 dancers and musicians from Venezuela and dancers from Austria.

We walked around a lot watching the city fill with more and more people. By Friday night it was in full swing and the locals told us it was basically a young people's getaway. Everyone looked around 18-23 yrs. old. Their energy filled the air.

Saturday I got left behind and had to visit Diego Rivera's museum alone. It was cool. I also went to the underground mercado that was filled with razteca, rock, psycheldelic, goth and indigenous items. I got lost in the hills trying to find a short cut and ended up going around in circles. I noticed there were a lot of single women walking around alone, traveling alone. They all had the same look. Cautious, constantly moving, curious, and dressed to run. Didn't see or notice single men walking alone. I guess it may be a woman thing to travel alone?

The show on Saturday was inside a shopping mall. It was very typical and in a way off putting but we had a good time. They gave me a mask and Eddie a costume and we joined them on stage in the final acto.

That night we hit the town in costumes and masks in the spirit of Cervantino. We had a shot of Cazadores in the oldest bar in GTO El Incendio. When we walked in wearing masks everyone kind of stopped and tripped for a second, that was cool. Dinner this night was a little nicer than other nights and I got to order a Chile en nogada, a very special treat. We strolled around taking pics and having our pic taken. We ended up dancing in the main square, El Jardin de la Union, which is actually a triangle, to strolling bandas that played cumbias. I stayed up til 4:30 am smoking and drinking on our terrace sharing good laughs, stories, and giving thanks. The city hummed along, people singing in the streets, up until the sun came up and the church bells began to ring.

Sunday we got a late start but we bumped into a plaza with Pippo and the Pirates, a teatro from Switzerland. They were a riot. Overall most of the performers had at least one or two members who spoke Spanish, but others would just say their lines in their native language. After they were done, Enrique Cisneros, the founder of CLETA, spoke about the history of the Festival and how he had been arrested during the first one, but after international pressure on the Mexican government for arresting students who were simply doing art in the streets, the government decided to fund the festival. He gave a shout out to Chusma, "with their Chicano themes that speak to the core of the major issues of our day, immigration, economic decline of the US, and land." We tripped out!!! He recognized. He went on to say that Mexico with its upcoming celebrations of the the revolutions of 1810 and 1910 have nothing to celebrate, instead "we need to be prepared to be rebeldes once again, because what is happening cannot stand anymore." This man is just too cool.

That night's performance was amazing. I also got to speak on the history of Chusma and Chicano teatro in between a major costume change. I think I tripped the crowd out when I mentioned how they "...may view us as pochos or as Americanos, but we are viewed as illegal, gangsters, foreign and suspect in our own land, that is if and when we are considered."

After the show we just hung out and caught the rest of night's performances which included a Costa Rican band called Dub Experimental. They could have been from LA.

Overall it was a great time and I am planning on going next year. I hope to get more Chicano/as there to represent and connect.

Capitalism: A Love Story

2009-09-29T13:17:00.000-07:00

The new Michael Moore film Capitalism: A Love Story. playing in two LA area theaters the Landmark & Arclight in Hollywood, is just what we need at this time when none of us really know where we are headed as workers, a nation and globe.

Moore outlines how evil capitalism is by having thinkers explain its faults, morality (of lack of), and its unsustainability, while also featuring people getting kicked out of the home, people squatting in their home, the "bottom feeders" that are making money off the sad state of foreclosures and the successful strike by door and window factory workers in Chicago. He takes us down the path of 'derivatives' which Wall St. invented to make themselves even richer, yet no one can really explain what they are. The saddest evils of capitalistic greed involved major corps taking out life insurance policies on their workers and how one judge and private youth prison herded youth into prison for profits.

You don't have to tell me how crazy and immoral people can get in the pursuit of money, but Moore's film is necessary today as much as his other films which poke at our issues just before they reach even Joe the Plumber and his ilk. I highly recommend you go see this film. You may know some if not all of the issues and questions raised but nonetheless we need to have these conversations with all of us and this film is perfect for launching into these topics.

Vasquez Rocks

2009-09-23T09:55:00.001-07:00

I finally made it out to Vasquez Rocks. It was a last minute trip, just like I always imagined how I would find myself up there.
I have seen those rocks in Star Trek and other movies and always wanted to go there and climb, run, sit and see them for myself.
It was a 25 min ride from work. The place was not as impressive as I imagined but it offered other little treats I didn't expect. Not many people were there when I went so it was perfect for feeling alone on a distant planet with out a worry or concern.

Next stop Joshua Tree, another place I still haven't been to.

One Month

2009-09-02T09:40:00.000-07:00

Today is one month since the passing of my mother.

Life and work have been very busy for me. Teaching at both CSUN and GCC overlapped for week and so prepping for a new semester and giving a final have kept my head on. Now I am back in my CSUN groove and so things are beginning to rise up that I must have kept buried deep inside or just kept pushing to the side for later.

Overall it is all good. I know I will be stronger in the end.

Today at 10:30 am if you can take a moment and think about those you may have lost or think about my mom if you knew her. That is the time she left one month ago today.

LA summer

2009-08-31T15:42:00.001-07:00

The Doors are LA.
Considered psychedelic, jazz, rock and blues, their lyrics and music have stood the test of time.
Last weekend while walking in Venice beach, I remembered the Doors and how Manzarek and Morrison met on that very beach. Morrison read "Moonlight Drive" and the rest is history. Morrison's poetry fits so nice in LA summer days...

"Beat It" - Mariachi Style

2009-08-31T01:22:00.001-07:00

Enjoy

Mad World

2009-08-28T16:21:00.001-07:00

Hearing this takes the edge off the heat. I hope it does the same for you.

mini movie reviews: District 9 & Inglorious Basterds

2009-08-23T20:16:00.001-07:00

D9 shows the epitome of neo-colonialism and its different shades and possibilities. True racism, humans v non human, shows how bad humans can be to other races. Stylistically follows the "Cloverfield" verite flavor that many don't like, get or feel sick after watching. It works here for immediacy and tension.

IB is QTs play with languages and counter narratives. QT stages several high tension scenes with the usual brilliant camera work scanning great actors at play. It does just feel like it is all a game to all which only adds to our collective numbing in the face of violence. Beautiful, rich and satisfying. Like the strudel they eat in one scene, we need to wait for the cream, and QT delivers

Go see them my friend

game above (inside) my head

2009-08-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

anoche me visito

no le llame

no la esperaba

no contaba

trono en mis oidos

la senti en mis huesos

veil of distance

static of emotions

polarities shifting

bodies and minds not inline

she never entered the house

the message didn't come through

en sue˜o estaba escondida

de tras de tanta accion

siempre viendo de cerca

ni un attempto de hablar

hay nueva vida alla

separar es duro

tanto good

so mal

lo good

was de otro nivel

Rick James - Ghetto Life

2009-08-19T16:16:00.001-07:00

Rick James (February 1, 1948 – August 6, 2004)
It wouldn't be ass funky if Rick James had been here.

Summer pics in between the rest

2009-08-18T23:59:00.000-07:00

Cal Tech Turtles

EOP picture day

Q bday

Art Walk LA

good party

Good people

Tech-ila

Flower

2009-08-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

She was born on a kitchen table there
she cried and laughed for the first time there
was hurt and comforted
bled and healed
walked and ran
jumped and skipped
fought and loved
She lived her first 14 years there

She told many stories of living in La Loma
many visits with her and without her
but never to the exact spot
where her house once sat

Today we took her remains up the road
along the ridge
through some bends
and onto where the house once sat

I poured out some for my father
I poured some for my aunt
Then my daughter and I walked down
Where the house once sat
We saw some old stairs under brush
The earth was soft and giving

We began shaking ashes out onto the ground
in circle over where the living room was
the kitchen
the bedrooms, we think

The grass was dry
The only life was this single flower facing West
towards where the sun sets
where the spirits leap off to
we knew it was there for her and us

Driving off I thought of death as hopefully being able to visit and be at anytime, any place you want. Being able to re-live, seeing what you did. I could think of no other joy for my mother than for her to be able to run in that Loma barefoot and free as she once was and will always be.

To all our relations...

Post

2009-08-13T11:07:00.000-07:00

It has been a week and four days since my mom passed to the other side.

I went to a sweat lodge the following day. It was perfect. Powerful. Healing. Clarifying. There were others there to say good bye to theirs who had also left that week. One man lost his 30 hour old child and days later his mother. The sweat leader said what we needed to say better than we could. We got to say our words too, but somehow we knew more was at work in there. Best of all I really felt my mother showed up, saw us, thanked us, heard me thank her, was met by our ancestors and they took her to the new lands. She left in good hands with good guides. Her perfume came into the lodge at one point. I will never forget that moment.

I have seen and felt how blessed I am to have the people I have in my life. Good people just showed up at my door, some waited for me to come home just to see how I was doing, share a drink, toast to all our dead and offer gifts. Other good people called and I heard in their voices true concern and corazon. They will forever be in my heart.

I must admit I never knew how to deal with the death of my friend's loved ones. I had never lost anyone in my family that was very close. I didn't know what to say, how they felt, or what to do. I'm sorry today for not knowing and not being able to reach out to some of my friends who lost someone. I didn't know what to do or say to them. Now I know, I think. I just hope I can be as good a friend as I have seen some of mine be to me.

I had to take some days off from work. Still haven't caught up in grading. Some of my students shared their experiences with loss and it really helped a lot. This group is very special.

Never do business with Groman Funeral home on Washington Blvd. on the corner of Norwood in Downtown LA. They suck. Long messy story. We just got my mother's ashes yesterday. A week and three days after they took her body.

Today we are going up to where my mom grew up to spread her ashes. It's a small hike into shrubs and bushes. If you are reading this burn some sage or copal for us. I don't want to take any fire up there, too dangerous.

8/2/09 Thanks Mom, Goodbye

2009-08-02T18:29:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid I would have dreams where I would come home and my parents were gone and new people lived in my house. I would be told that my parents had moved and forgot to tell me. Other times I would be told my mom had died and my dad was on one of his yearly trips to Mexico to take care of lands he holds there. I would wake up crying. A heaviness on my chest scared me because it would be sitting there making breathing n swallowing hard. I would get up and look for my mom.

Yesterday she barely spoke. The last thing I heard from her was telling my daughter "I love you too." We knew it would happen any day, but she had surprised us for so long. It would have been a week without eating on Monday. For an 80 yr old full of cancer that is impressive.

This morning I felt a shock in the middle of my chest. Seconds later my father called and said it was getting real bad. He hadn't slept all night, she was throwing up most of the night. She was losing her voice and sight. I jumped up and jumped in the shower. It's like a reflex to shower in the morning. Half asleep, sick, hungover, tired, I just end up in my shower. It heals me and readies me.

When I got out of the shower my father called and said she had left us. I went to tell Q who was still asleep. 13 yr olds need at least 12hrs of sleep and she really takes advantage of that when she stays with me ever since I told that little bit of science. I was dressed n ready to go. She decided to stay at my place, her great grandma and uncle live next door, she would be fine.

I have made the drive from the Eastside to my parents house thousands of times in every possible state of mind and sometimes out of my mind. It's very easy, the far right lane on that 5 to the 10 west takes me straight off the freeway at Los Angeles street. Two lights, left onto Main, to 28th and I'm home. This time the tears were like none before. I remembered those dreams of my childhood. This time I knew my mom wouldn't be there but my dad would and we would be starting a new way of life. He as a widower me as a son without a living mom. Is there a term for people like me?

I burned the sage I had rubbed on her the day before. The smoke filled the room and rose up as her soul did just minutes earlier. I imagined my grandma, her mom, was here to help her in the end. The smoke followed them up, or over, or on to wherever they are now, which is definitely better than here where they had both had rough final days.

We called hospice care, a funeral home and my cousin Lucy who had cared for mom like she was her mom. She is like my distant sister. My father called the comadre and people started arriving. I texted work and friends who had helped me. Told work I needed at least a day. Haven't taken any calls.

Everyone is gone now. They picked up her body. My dad is finally getting some sleep. He says he maybe got an hour in last night. I gotta wake him in two hours. He doesn't want to sleep more, he wants to sleep at night. Lucy is here, we are listening to the Platters that my mom would play for me when I was a kid.

The comadre wants to host a rosario at her house. Mom didn't want anything. No one to see her, no funeral, no services. Others have said services are for the living. I see that, but at the same time why pray for someone you know was good and went to a good place? I can see if the dead were jerks and needed people to pray/put in a good word to get them to a good place.

I'm writing to process. I tell my students if u can't say it, u can't write it. For me if I can't write it, I can't handle it. I've been told all week to stay strong. Can I be weak now?

Of course there is some relief in knowing my mom is no longer hating life. Good memories hurt to remember. Pictures bring those memories. The music playing reminds me of dancing with her. I couldn't dance with her no more in the end.

My dad's first words to me when I got here were "Ahora estamos solitos." He has ten brothers n sisters. I have none.
This is my life. I'm grateful for it. For the parents I had/have. Gracias por la vida y las vidas que crusan la mia. Ojala que tenemos mucho mas a~os. Healthy n happy.

Tomorrow my father and I will go to a sweat ceremony together for the first time. New life.

2009-08-01T16:50:00.001-07:00

Of all the people you meet throughout your life, on the various paths you have walked, the good times n bad, passing strangers in the night, the long term pals, the short terms flings, those you call only on holidays, those u see only in the dark hot dancefloor, friends you rely on for gossip, comfort and laughs, people who knew u n remeber u only how they last saw u, work friends, people u used and those who used you, text friends, online friends, never seen them in person friends, one cup of coffee shared, people u know u can call anytime n they will be there, but u never call.
Who will u like to see on your last days?
Who can see u as skin and bones? In a diaper, unable to sit up alone. Can't speak more than a few words. Can't stay awake longer than 15 min at a time. Who would u let see u like this?

Passing

2009-07-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

She will be passing any day now.
Since April she has refused anymore treatments.
Signed off on not resuscitating.
This is the fourth day she has not eaten any food.
She says she doesn't feel like eating.
Her stomach doesn't want food.
She is skin and bones and big bloated stomach.
On the plus side she is not in any pain or discomfort, just weak.

It started last November, she was having trouble breathing.
She had fluid in one lung.
A form of breast cancer.
They would stick a long needle in to drain out fluid.
Eventually fluid would accumulate also in her stomach.
This was repeated.
Pulling several liters each time.

Chemo A, failed
Chemo B, failed
Back in hospital in March because she would throw everything up
Now was too weak to drain fluid.
No food for a week and she bounced back.
Fluid left and was able to eat.
Then they offered another chemo and she said "No more."
It would now be a countdown.

She is the strongest woman I know.
Her mom, my grandma, lived to 98.
I remember seeing my grandma pick up one of those old bathtubs alone.
My mom has that strength too.
When I see her I try to maintain my composure. When I think I'm going to break
I get near her and its not so bad. Like her strength carries me.
She shouts orders to my dad all day.
My poor dad has really stepped up and serves her every wish,
following her overly detailed requests.
If she hadn't moved the bed into the living room, and laid around all day,
you wouldn't know she was dieing.
Even today her voice is still strong.
She told me that some people would always think she was mad because of her strong tone.

Most of my days I am sad and in tears.
I have seen this coming.
Have made peace with it, to some degree.
She didn't want my alternative medicines, ever.
I know I need to respect her wishes.
But its still hard.
If I get out at night, I can be normal.
Its like a routine among my peeps and beats.
When I go to work, I should get an Academy Award for the acting I do in there.
The mornings are the hardest.
I don't know if my father is going to call me and tell me...
I don't know if I'm going to call and hear...
So driving to work is rough til I make that call and even then its hard to hear, its another day of waiting.
I don't know if I will get that call during class and wonder if I will just walk out.
What would I say? Who would I tell?
I've been driving up instead of taking the train because if I need to leave I don't want ask anyone for a ride.

my mom introduced me to this song when I was 3 or 4, its the earliest song I remember

Today she asked me to call the priests for her last rites.
They came within the hour. Nice guys.
She cracked a little bit and we both shared a moment.
I asked if she wants to see her brothers and sister and she said NO.
According to her they are in almost as bad shape as she is.
One is fighting a losing battle sliding into Alzheimer's. Another can't stand for too long because his legs and shoulders hurt from carrying his now deceased wife up and down several flights of stairs of their hillside El Sereno home. She died of a bad case of diabetes. Her other brother is just tired, he lost his wife 4 months ago.
She doesn't want anything.
She wants to be cremated and that is all.
No memorial, nada.
I don't think it's fair, but I need to grant her final wishes, even after her passing.
I will most likely take her ashes to where she was most happy, her childhood home in Chavez Ravine. Well the home is not there anymore, but the hills are still there.

I want to thank my friends who have knowingly or not been good distractions for me.
My students who keep my mind flying to places to take them and show them how many paths this life can offer. My co-workers who are understanding about my mood swings, care for me, entertain me, feed me and are just great people. My inipe brothers and sisters, Wolf and Lisa thank you for praying with me and having that space for all our relations.

This is all passing.
We are all just passing.
See you on the other side, someday.
I love you mommy.

(love and blessings to the Rodriguez family who is also saying bye to their Papachus, lo siento mucho)