Ryan the Angry Midget and Friends

Palin in recent historical perspective

2008-10-10T09:29:00.009-05:00

I can't remember a time in my life when there was a larger disparity between the Vice Presidential candidates for the two major parties. Sarah Palin is possibly the worst Vice Presidential nominee in modern history. When you consider her company in this category, being the worst Vice Presidential nominee in modern history is a dubious distinction to say the least. Let's consider our nominees:

Sarah Palin
At first when conservatives reacted negatively to McCain's nomination of Palin, I thought it might just be their typical "let's eat our young before they grow up to be liberals" instincts, but the more we learn about her, the more it seems like maybe those same conservative strategists aren't complete morons.
- The only supreme court case Palin knew about and could comment on was Roe v. Wade. I don't believe that the VP needs to be a Constitutional Scholar, but if you're running against one, you might want to know more than just Roe v. Wade. Most importantly, she seems proud of how little she knows about everything. With an aging and cancer-riddled McCain, don't you want to nominate someone who could possibly run the country?

Dan Quayle
Dan Quayle is probably widely regarded as the worst and most embarrassing VP in American history. Quayle is the perfect storm of a weak selection process, bad candidate, and the fact that most Americans don't know about Presidential history, let alone VP history. Even on the eve of his selection at the 1988 Republican Convention in New Orleans, his own party couldn't believe the pick and stated it publicly. Sound familiar? Spelling gaffes aside, Quayle did have experience in the US House and US Senate, although he publicly stated that Mars and Earth were in the same orbit. To say that Palin is another Dan Quayle is not really fair to Quayle, since he does have government experience at the federal level and actually finished law school instead of a series of stints a community colleges. You didn't think there was such a wide spectrum of idiocy did you?

Vice Admiral James Stockdale
Ross Perot's running mate during the 1992 President Election has become a bit of a political punchline, mostly because of his erratic appearance during the 1992 VP debates. What people may not know is that Stockdale is one of the most decorated officers in the history of the US Navy and has a Master's degree from Stanford. He was the President of the Navy War college and like John McCain, a prisoner of war during Vietnam. An interesting contrast to McCain, Stockdale had this to say about his POW and military service (see if you can spot the contrast):

It was so different from Quayle and Gore. The four years in solitary confinement in Vietnam, 7½ years in prisons, drop the first bomb that started the...American bombing raid in the North Vietnam. We blew the oil storage tanks of them off the map. And I never—I couldn't approach—I don't say it just to brag, but, I mean, my sensitivities are completely different.

Nonetheless, Stockdale was widely considered to be a nut, only based on his VP debate, despite the fact that depending on your list of qualifications for VP, many might consider him more qualified than Dan Quayle.

What's amazing to me is that even among individuals considered to be the worst VP nominees in modern history (fairly or unfairly), Palin manages to make Dan Quayle seem imminently qualified. That's what I call an unfortunate accomplishment.

Get back to school...

2008-10-09T13:34:00.001-05:00

Awww....memories...

Video of the Day -- Barack Roll

2008-10-06T10:44:00.002-05:00

If you've been on the internets for longer than six months, odds are good that you've been Rickrolled at least once. In terms of internet memes, it was one of the biggest of the last few years. However, it has slowed down considerably as of late, which probably isn't a bad thing. But someone found a new way to breathe life back into this one...

The Devil Wears Wal-Mart?

2008-10-03T15:59:00.006-05:00

So, I was watching the debate last night and saw nothing of real importance come from either camp. Except that neither of the candidates made any real gaffs and that Palin's head didn't exploded only to have Jesus take her place behind the podium. Then I began listening to the post debate "analysis" and it was no surprise that they tried to paint Palin as an everyday, down to Earth, no nonsense kind of gal, and this got me thinking.

When the FUCK did it become so terrible to be educated in this country? Joe-6-Pack, hockey mom's are pit bulls with lipstick, and every woman that voted for Clinton did so because she had a vagina, not because she has a graduate degree, or the fact that she may know a little something about how things work in Washington. How ridiculous are these arguments? Are we done shilling to every jag-off that can't admit their real problem with Obama is that he is a black guy?

I understand that the everyday working guy likes to have a beer, hell I'm one of them, but I also feel a strong desire to better myself and my situation by using what little intellect I have been "blessed" with by furthering my education. Why would we want someone to lead us that is an everyday person? This makes no sense. If you don't think you are better than me, then don't try to LEAD ME! If I thought that you were going to do the same fuck up, run the country into the ground, I'm too drunk at 3am to answer anything bullshit, I would run myself. However, I recognize the fact that there are people out there smarter than I in the arena, of lets say, running a country. This means that I would rather have you do it as oppose to me. In a year where we cannot afford, quite literally, to fuck this up, we don't need anymore lip stick on a pig.

Via Con Dios,
HCP

Just in time for tonight's VP debate:

2008-10-02T16:50:00.002-05:00

Found this on someone's Twitter update last night and had to post it here:

Video of the Week -- Omazing Grace

2008-10-01T10:51:00.002-05:00

Now this is what I'd call a 'joyful noise.' Be sure to stick around for the show-stopping finale!

Whooooops!

2008-09-28T20:02:00.003-05:00

Listen, I'm going to be very up-front here: the Chiefs SUCK this year. Really. I mean, we're going to be lucky to go 8-8. QB problems (even aside from our injured starter), OL problems, plus LJ has been pretty unpredictable in terms of performance. The Donkeys, on the other hand, look pretty good. I mean, they won't win the AFC West, because they're not the Chargers. But it's possible they'll be a wildcard team and get eliminated in the first round of the playoffs.

But not if they play the way they played today. Playoff teams don't lose to 0-3 dogs. Playoff teams don't get blown out by 0-3 dogs. Playoff teams beat 0-3 dogs. They HAVE TO. Because you only play 16 games, and even playoff teams only win about 12 of them. And if you can't beat 0-3 dogs, who are you going to beat?

So, Chiefs fans have a little bit to celebrate. Not much, because the team still sucks. But they played pretty well today. And Donkeys fans need to ask themselves: is this just a 1-game misfire, or do the Donkeys have deeper-seated problems? If it's the former, how does the team keep from doing it again? Because the Donkeys are about 4 more losses away from not making the playoffs. If it's the latter, prepare for a long season of Donkey-based disappointment. I should know---I've been there.

McCain Wins Debate! ...... (Wait ...what? The debate hasn't happened yet?)

2008-09-26T15:31:00.003-05:00

Yup. That was an ad on today's Wall Street Journal online edition. Do older people have problems being 'premature?'

Oh c'mon. You knew there was a dick joke coming.

Here's the ad in it's natural habitat:

Why watch the debate? It's already over!

Undecided voters are like that girl you dated in college who couldn't decide between Denny's and Applebee's

2008-09-26T10:47:00.003-05:00

With the clock ticking down to the Presidential election in November, I continue to be amazed about the percentage of voters who are undecided about their choice for who will be the next leader of our country. Granted, it's like 4-5% in the latest polls, but to me that means that 4-5% of people they polled can't wipe their own asses.

I personally think if you are undecided in this election that you're either dead or an idiot. I don't want to hear a bunch of bullshit about how neither candidate is particularly a good choice. That's the very definition of a cop out. When have we had a presidential election during our lives that hasn't been a choice between a giant douche and a turd sandwich? Quit pretending that the way our political system works would result in anything other than two really rich political insiders being the candidates. We all recognize this fact, some of us just recognize that intelligent people can still make an informed decision about who would do the best job. And I think Obama is probably the best candidate we've had since Clinton, but I'm a commie pinko liberal, so take that for what it's worth.

This election, in particular, makes me even more irate that some people can't seem to decide. For the first time ever, you have two candidates that are pro-choice and pro-stem cell research, so unless you're going to right in Ron Paul or something equally idiotic, quit trying to tell me that because Palin is McCain's running mate that you're still voting against abortion when you vote for McCain. Conservatives are really showing that abortion is just a wedge issue that they've used to their advantages to gain support from naive voters who don't realize that who they elect for President has no bearing whatsoever on whether or not a woman can choose to have an abortion. In case you haven't noticed, we've had the most pro-life administration (at least when it comes to domestically-conceived fetuses and not children who live in Iraq), and abortion is still as legal as ever. Those of you who really care about abortion have been had. Bamboozled. Stop using it as your candidate litmus test.

Instead look at the economy. John McCain's campaign manager was on the payroll for Freddie Mac until August. You know, one of the giant mortgage companies involved in the current economic crisis right? I'm not sure how McCain has any credibility on the economy. And his running mate has been playing way too much Command and Conquer: Red Alert, believing that Russia is our next largest enemy, to notice the economic crisis. Apparently, Palin actually believes that Alaska's proximity to Russia = foreign policy experience. That's like saying because I work in a hospital that does surgery that I have surgical experience. Let me tell you that you do not want me operating on you.

Issues that would help people to become decided abound. At this point, if you haven't decided, the only message that you're sending is that you're not smart enough to evaluate the issues.

Video of the Week -- chase scene from 'District B13'

2008-09-24T14:04:00.006-05:00

Here's a hyper-kinetic chase scene from the French action film 'District B13'. It was released on DVD in 2005, and was produced by Luc Besson (La Femme Nikita, The Professional). The person being chased in this scene is one of the original inventors of the sport/art known as 'parkour', or sometimes also referred to as 'free-running.' If you like what you see here, track the movie down and give it a rent sometime. The cover art is pretty bad, and the plot is a thinly-veiled rip-off of 'Escape from New York', but the pacing is fantastic, and it's got some of the best stunt work I've seen in a film in years (as evidenced by the clip you're about to see):

P.S. This video clip is in French with no subtitles, but the DVD and Blu-Ray both are subtitled in English, or have a really bad English-dubbed track for the illiterate...

P.P.S. We'll just go ahead and make it a Video Double Feature this week. Here's another action scene from the same movie. Visceral, well-edited, and completely over-the-top:

Now HERE'S some polling results

2008-09-23T08:17:00.003-05:00

Never mind Gallup or CNN. How are Obama/Biden and McCain/Palin tracking with Xbox Live members?

Obama/Biden -- 43%
McCain/Palin -- 31%
Undecided -- 13%
Other -- 13%

Over 100,000 voted in the poll, although I'd be curious as to the average age. I'm also curious to know who the 'Other' voters wanted. Ron Paul? Ross Perot? If it's the 'enlightened' children I usually end up in a lobby with, they probably wrote in David Duke.

A definite positive out of all this is over 55,000 people registered to vote through Xbox Live or Xbox.com. I wonder how many of those will vote? Or how many of them wouldn't have registered without the service?

Video of the Week -- Ernie and Bert go Brutal

2008-09-17T12:21:00.002-05:00

Video of the Day may not be the greatest idea for this site, since we don't get as many posts or hits as we used to, so instead of flooding it with video clips, I'm gonna switch it up to Video of the Week. Here's one that you'll all like, even if you don't like heavy music:

Video of the Day -- Letterman at Taco Bell

2008-09-16T07:38:00.003-05:00

Hello there everyone. I'm gonna start something here called 'Video of the Day', where once a day, we post something funny, weird, or informational. Maybe it'll give us all a reason to come by on a daily basis?

We'll start this off kinda light:

You can put lipstick on a liar...

2008-09-13T13:57:00.011-05:00

I'm sure that all of you reading this have probably heard numerous times about the statement that Joseph Goebbels, Minister of Propaganda for Hitler's National Socialists, made about telling lies. To review, he averred that " If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." Now, I don't begin to morally equate Sarah Palin or the folks running John McCain's campaign with Hitler or the Nazi party, but it seems like some of them are well-versed on Joe Goebbels' philosophies. The most glaring case in point is the oft-repeated and unwavering assertion that Sarah Palin took the high ground against earmarks and pork barrel spending by defiantly telling the federal government that she didn't want their dirty money for the famous "Bridge to Nowhere". I'd never even heard of this bridge before Sarah Palin's acceptance speech at the Republican Convention, but she and McCain and the G.O.P. have been putting this thing up in lights since then. It's as if this bridge thing has become a signature characteristic of Sarah's, and it's supposed to demonstrate to us all her credentials as a reformer and maverick against the Old Boys Club and Government As Usual. I won't be surprised if they starting writing it across the sky in letters hundreds of feet tall.

What baffles me is the fact that they keep trotting this story out when it has been demonstrated from Day One of the McCain/Palin ticket that the campaign's official version of the story is a lie, or at the very least a blatant effort to distort the facts and mislead those who hear about it. On the radio, on the television, and in print, I keep hearing and reading what really happened. In a nutshell, Sarah was all about getting a bucket full of federal dollars and building this bridge in Alaska until she found out that the feds were going to make Alaska go Dutch on the project, and her support was suddenly a negative thing. At that point, she did the politically expedient thing and declared that she was against waste and excess, and Alaska never wanted that bridge anyway. According to published accounts, first she was for something, and then she was against it. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, yeah! That's the kind of behavior that Republicans were calling "waffling" at the time of the last presidential election. And weren't they saying something about how we shouldn't have as a national leader someone who waffles and can't make a decision and hang onto it like grim death? But I'm getting off on a tangent, and this waffling thing isn't what I'm aggravated about. What I'm aggravated about is that Palin and the Republicans running the McCain campaign are insisting on telling a skewed version of the story. They are ignoring the truth and the fact that some are even calling them liars. Instead, they seem to be banking on the hope that Joe Goebbels had the inside track on human nature, and, if they tell the same lie enough times, everyone will believe it is the truth...or at least give up on fighting it.

To be honest, I don't care that much that Sarah Palin was looking to gouge the government for a bunch of money. Elected officials do it all time. That doesn't excuse it, but it doesn't make Sarah Palin any worse that most representatives in the higher levels of government. I do care that she is distorting the facts to make herself appear to be better or different, though. And I do care that the McCain/Palin campaign thinks we're too stupid to figure out the truth. Call me self-centered, but I feel it's insulting to me personally. One shouldn't expect to get away with bullshit like that in the Age of Information.

In addition to what Goebbels said, I read another quote the other day that I think describes this whole thing to a 'T'. Jacques Ellus once said that “(Propaganda) proceeds by psychological manipulations, character modifications, by creation of stereotypes useful when the time comes - The two great routes that this sub-propaganda takes are the conditioned reflex and the myth”. The Republicans are make a huge deal of the Bridge to Nowhere issue, and, in my opinion, they are making every effort to perpetuate a myth about it. And one man's myth-building is another man's lying.

To put a different spin on recently reborn piece of homegrown wisdom...You can put lipstick on a liar, but she's still a liar.

What does Sarah Palin like more than making babies?

2008-09-11T10:45:00.002-05:00

Pork. And I'm not talking about the incredibly tasty and versatile meat that comes from pigs. The Palin/McCain ticket is turning out to be quite the contradictory experience.

-He's pro choice. She's anti-choice and includes making babies as her favorite past-time.

-He's looking for budget and political reform. She has been part of the problem as Gov. of Alaska. "Palin has sought about $450 million in earmarks from the state's congressional delegation since becoming governor, and about $27 million for Wasilla during her second term as mayor from 1998 to 2002, according to state records and documents from the Washington-based watchdog group Taxpayers for Common Sense."

-She's on the ticket for her sex appeal and extreme conservativism. He's on the ticket because he's old and white and all the other Republican nominees were just a little more bat-shit crazy.

Probably the least shocking part of the whole thing is how quickly the true colors are shining through for the Republican party. Palin even has Dr. James Dobson saying it's Ok for teenagers to get knocked up outside of marriage, as long as we have a Republican in the White House. That goes to show that the guiding principles of the Republican party aren't family values, but self preservation.

And the hits just keep on comin' from The Daily Show

2008-09-07T10:57:00.000-05:00

The Daily Show on Sarah Palin

2008-09-04T12:56:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Miles for sending the link.

Benedict Lieberman

2008-09-03T12:04:00.002-05:00

I do not have a whole lot of time to write an intricate post; however, I couldn't not put something up about this. Ol'Ben Lieberman is the biggest turn coat since the man whose name he now bears, thanks to yours truly. I cannot believe that we once considered this man for the vice presidency. I have seen countless interviews with him stating that the democrat party has lost it's way, and how we don't hold true to our core principles and values anymore. I have only one thing to say to that, "hey kettle, your black." This worthless motherfucker, yeah I said it, has done everything he can to bring down the party that help to put him in the position that he so enjoys today. And not only did he come out and endorse McCain, but he proceeded to lick Sarah Palin's boots to go along with it. I never thought that I would see him anywhere endorsing a radical pro-life, pro-gun, anti-government candidate with a straight face. Eloquence may be no substitute for a record; but at this point, it's a welcome substitute to the current shoot first ask later politics we so enjoy today.

Hypocrisy: A case study

2008-09-02T17:39:00.003-05:00

You all know how I feel about PETA. It's not really a secret that I think if you belong to PETA, you're a hypocrite unless you grow your own food and don't drive a car. I got a kick out of PETA's recent advertising campaign to spay and neuter your dogs, which I actuall agree with completely. The interesting part is featuring professional penis holster Jenna Jameson in the nude. Now I KNOW this girl eats meat because I've seen the footage. She might not ingest meat from animals, but she's probably spent half of her adult life with some dude's meat in her mouth. Not exactly a ringing endorsement against eating meat.

Harriet Myers ... Katherine Harris ... Sarah Palin?

2008-08-30T10:45:00.014-05:00

I know this is technically yesterday's news, but I'm still scratching my head at who John McCain chose for his running mate. Plus, it's taken me a full day just to dig through all of the 'gifts' she's going to give the Democrats in the next two months. But, we now know one of two things is going to happen: Either we're going to have the first black President, or the first female Vice President. It's gonna be a wild ride to the finish, that's for sure.

So, Sarah Palin. Let's take a closer look, shall we? She won the Miss Wasilla (Alaska) beauty contest in 1984. She came in second in the Miss Alaska beauty contest that same year, but she won 'Miss Congeniality.'

With her second-place finish, she won a college scholarship, so she attended the University of Idaho, where she received a BA in Journalism, with a minor in Political Science. After briefly working as a sportscaster for the local Anchorage newscasts, she won a seat on the Wasilla City Council, and served from 1992 to 1996. She became the Mayor of Wasilla from 1996 to 2006. Currently, she's the Governor of Alaska, and has held the position for the last 20 months.

Now, before I go into her beliefs and recent history, let's point out the obvious. Wasilla has a population of about 8,000 people. Alaska has about 670,000 people. Here she is in a photo op with some of them, fresh off of the filming of a Snickers commercial:

Other than the recent off-shore drilling issue, and the Exxon Valdez crash, Alaska is as isolated as any US state can be, both physically and politically. You have to make a concerted effort to get there without going through another country (maybe that counts as foreign policy experience, but I digress). Oh, and Alaska also had that whole 'Bridge to Nowhere' thing that got them some press, but I'll touch on that in a second.

So, let's look at the facts about Sarah Palin. She's a creationist. That's right. Creationism. A belief that has been proven wrong by the existence of dinosaur bones and Carbon-14 testing, but continues on, like neo-Nazis denying that the Holocaust ever happened.

She's 'as pro-life as any candidate can be,' and opposes abortion even in cases of rape or incest. In fact, she's so anti-choice that she carried a Down's Syndrome baby to term. I know that topic will be considered off-limits by most people, but I'd at least like to point out the dangers of having children past the age of 40:

She voted for the 1998 state constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage (it passed).

She supports off-shore drilling in Alaska, and her husband is an oilman. Coincidence? She even attacked McCain earlier this year for his 'close-mindedness on ANWR.' However, like Obama, she supports windfall taxes on oil profits, while her running mate has staunchly opposed them. She also recently praised Obama's energy plan.

She originally supported the famed 'Bridge to Nowhere'.

She is currently under investigation for a firing scandal in her office. Guilty or innocent, it's not exactly the best timing.

She's a NRA Life Member, and is an avid hunter. Do we need another executive hunting accident waiting to happen?

She mispronounced the word 'nuclear' in her VP acceptance speech. Jesus H. Christ people, ENOUGH.

A month ago, she asked on national TV, 'What is it exactly that a VP does every day?'

I get that she was being sarcastic, but that doesn't change how she came off in the interview. Biden is going to take her lunch money in the VP debate. She might even make us all forget about Admiral Stockdale in 1992. Some on the right are saying that Biden will come off as being mean to her in that debate, but I think that's the only hope they have. I don't care who you are. If you're trying to be the President or Vice President of this country, you've gotta be tough when others challenge you. Kerry and Edwards weren't tough enough in 2004, and we all know where that got them. This isn't a beauty pageant. It's national politics placed firmly under the world's microscope, and the world doesn't hand out awards for congeniality.

Finally, I'd just like to point out that McCain destroyed his strongest talking point against Obama (his young age and inexperience) by choosing a running mate who's even younger and less experienced. Did he really think that he can sway any undecided Hillary supporters by bringing a woman onto his campaign? Palin thanked Hillary Clinton and Geraldine Ferraro in her VP acceptance speech, but both of those women are very politically experienced, and are very pro-women's rights. Palin's voting record and history shows that she's no champion of women's rights whatsoever. She's only a woman because she has the plumbing.

P.S. I know that some of you are thinking, 'But she's a MILF!' because you saw this picture:

So let me paint another picture for you: She's popped FIVE kids out of that thing.

F.oxtrot U.incorn C.harlie K.ilo

2008-08-28T12:38:00.002-05:00

So here we are once again!! Another fucking year gone by, and guess what, it's time for the Rocky Mountain Showdown. Now I understand that I am the only person on this website that probably gives two shits about this game, but I'm fucking pumped up for the ass kicking that my Rams are going to give the Buffs this Sunday. I'm so excited that I'm going to grill up some buffalo burgers just to celebrate while I watch the ass pounding that will ensue. GO RAMS!!!!

-ps: In an effort to fully disclose, I'm sure that this will be a tight game all the way to the end, and I am also fully aware that I have left my self completely open for ridicule after the game; however if you can't show love for your team, who can you show love for? At least I'm not a Kansas Shitty Queefs fan, right?

At this very moment you are a male human being

2008-08-28T12:31:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted much lately, but work has kept me traveling quite a bit this past month. I'll get a real update on here at some point this weekend. But in the meantime, I thought I'd post something I know most of you will appreciate.

Baseball and Border Patrol

2008-08-17T14:00:00.007-05:00

So I'm watching the Cubs / Marlins baseball game on WGN, and I see an ad on the outfield wall for recruitment into the Border Patrol. Granted, it was in Florida, but still, I thought it was a little odd to see at a ballpark. It's in not only one, but two separate spots on the outfield wall (just outside the foul poles in left and right field). My Cubs weren't doing too well, so I thought I'd kill some time and go check out the website.

First off, we're greeted with enormous pictures of a black man and two Hispanics. Apparently, these large and imposing pictures are meant to cause panic (Sorry HCP, but I couldn't resist). Then, beneath these huge craniums is some jingoism about who they're wanting to hire. They want people who value freedom, but know there is a price. What is that price? A buck-oh-five? Then it says, "You want to put on the uniform and serve your country." THE uniform? People working at Taco Bell put on uniforms too, and they have more style than these:

I'm sure some marketing schmuck at Crayola would argue with me about this, but I'm sorry, those are BROWN. Is it Mexican camouflage? And tell me the overall design of this uniform doesn't look a little .... well, shall we say 'historic?'

Okay, maybe I'm stretching just a little. But none of this could've prepared me for what was hiding in the top right corner of the site:

Apparently, the Border Patrol is looking to hire an additional 6,000 jackbooted thugs ... ERRRR, 'Agents' by the end of 2008. And where better to look for the ideal 'Agent' than NASCAR? They even sponsored a car. I guess when you're trying to fill 6,000 extra positions, handing out flyers at Klan rallies isn't gonna cut the mustard. They're also actively encouraging women and minorities to join. Basically, they don't care what color or gender you are. If you like to beat up brown people, THIS is the job for you!

It also says that 'Agents' can make up to $70,000 annually by their third year. Well, good golly gee willikers. When I weigh the pros and cons of a new occupation, the first question I always ask myself is, 'Self, how much money will you be making in three years?' So, I have a proposal for one of our friends. The Angry Midget has a couple of years left of college before he can join the work force, so I'm suggesting that he skip those last two years and start contributing to society now. Besides, Ryan, do you really want to spend the next two years working on some boring thesis, or do you wanna start cracking some skulls today?

The U.S. Border Patrol. We Treat You Like a King!

Hispanic Causin' Panic?

2008-08-13T16:23:00.002-05:00

Step 1: Click link.
Step 2: Put your junk in that box.
Step 3: ?????
Step 4: PROFIT!

Swimming must be REALLY easy, Michael Phelps

2008-08-13T11:50:00.004-05:00

I don't know what you do for a living, but with all the Olympic hype about Michael Phelps lately, I've been thinking about taking up a career in swimming. If one guy can win 11 gold medals over two Olympics, the competition must not be that strong. Maybe what Michael Phelps needs, aside from cosmetic surgery on his ears, is some competition.

I like to swim, although I've never tried to do it quickly. I've done a lot of swimming in my life, though. For example, there was a summer a few years ago where all I did was sit in a swimming pool and drink beer for about 3 months. I'm basically like a fish, only I'm human. I might have to shave my chest afro to reduce drag, but how much more would it mean if I won a gold medal WITHOUT shaving my chest hair?

Watch out Michael Phelps. Next time you throw on your Speedo and head out to the pool, watch for the Angry Midget. I'll be the hairy one swimming in front of you the whole way.