The Boy Who Found Me

Home again, Home again!!!

2009-07-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

Okay first, I'm so sorry it has been so long since I posted. It has been a crazy couple of weeks. So take a journey back with me (let's say about a month!)

I month ago I was finishing up my job on "American Cowboy" a new show for Animal Planet. It was an awesome show to work on and will be even better to watch (I'll let you all know when it will premiere!)

After I finished on that my mum came out to California with my little brother Atticus and we did the whole vacation thing, Sea World, Lego Land (overrated by the way), Knott's Berry Farm, Malibu... it was an awesome week of running around.

Then my mum took Isaac back to Philly by plane and I cleaned and waited for the moving company to come... they loaded my stuff... only charged me $90 more than I thought they would (thank God) then it was off to head across America.

I spent 3 days (17 hours-day 1, 13 hours-day 2, and 14 hours-day 3) driving across this amazing country. My pup Milo wasn't too happy about the long days but he handled it like a pro! I arrived in Philadelphia ready to sleep and stretch out!

I have been back in the Philadelphia area for a week now, and so far I don't miss California at all (sorry guys!) I miss the people that have been fixtures in my life for the last 7 years but that is about it. It's good to be home.

Next week I have an "interview" with Banyan Productions based here outside Philly and I am hoping they have something for me to work on. I need to start working soon (I hate unemployment!!!)

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful wonderful man named Steve. We had talked on the phone and through email for 2 months before I got back to the area, and then when I got here we went out and let's just say there was an instant spark between us. So fingers crossed ya'all... I need some good relationship mojo with this one... he's quite the catch...

Any who that is what is going on. I'm taking RWI and heading to Haiti in September and then maybe to Ecuador in January, but that isn't definite just yet. Isaac is loving the East coast and the weird weather we are having here right now, but it's great to be home!

Haiti...

2009-06-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

So I am so pleased to be able to announce that RWI will be traveling to Haiti on September 2nd. RWI's first project was suppose to be in Kenya, but after fundraising for almost a year we are still very short financially and unable to go over there and do what needs to be done. In the mean time we have teamed with The Mercy and Sharing Foundation based in Haiti. The projects we are doing for them are going to help just as many children as RWI would have been able to help in Kenya for a fraction of the cost, allowing us to act now. We are saddened that RWI had to put the Kenya project on hold, but we have NOT given up on it. We are continuing our efforts to raise the funds needed to go to Kenya and do what we promised.

I will be bringing you all more information about our trip. We will be providing 11 filtration systems along with birthing kits and donations for the orphanage. M&SF has an orphanage as well as a home for terminally ill and handicapped Children along with a home for Abandoned Babies. RWI will be working with M&SF to set up the filtration systems at each of their locations as well and spend time with the children in their care.

We are so grateful to all that have donated to RWI over the last year. The money you have given is finally going to do some good! We are so excited for this awesome chance to help.

Home is a place where I'm at peace

A paradise safe and so serene... yeah

A wonder I love so much

Such a rich tradition

To a land of hate and violence

Where did we go wrong?

I'm caught in a war of identity

That threatens to hurt my family

It seems so cold when nobody cares

But now I know

Please won't you show some empathy

Cause if you don't help someone in need

Nobody cares

See us the same not differently

Why would you be afraid of me?

Oh yeah

Cause fear and hate held inside

Encourages this genocide

You can't kill the spirit of life

It never dies!

Ooohh

Where did we go wrong?

I'm caught in a war of identity

That threatens to hurt my family

It seems so cold when nobody cares

But now I know

Please won't you show some empathy

Cause if you don't help someone in need

Nobody cares

Nobody cares...

2009-06-08T17:27:00.000-07:00

There are no words... only my son will put on a hat like this in public and insist on a photo to remember the moment!
Me waiting, bored, for the doctor!

This is what your Rock Plant is suppose to look like mom!

Most important tool of my trade... besides my imagination and mind of course!

Isaac all dressed up to say goodbye to his friend and hospital roommate Thomas who passed away from cancer a few months ago.

This is what a peacock farmer calls an "oops"!!!

Who doesn't want to see a photo of a fuzzy chicken???

Isaac entertaining himself...

Me studying Anatomy & Physiology in my car... now that is dedication!

One of the most beautiful trees I have ever seen....

Isaac making his way to the water!

Someone sang this song for me....

2009-06-02T22:37:00.001-07:00

It must be the colors
And the kids
That keep me alive
'Cause the music is boring me to death

It must just be the colors
And the kids that keep me alive
'Cause I'd wanna go right away
To a January night
I built a shack with an old friend
He was someone I could learn from
Someone I could become

Will you meet me down
On a sandy beach
We can roll up our jeans
So the tide won't get us below the knees

Yellow hair
You are a funny bear
Yellow hair
You are such a funny bear
Slender fingers
Would hold me slender limbs would hold me
And you could say my name
Like you knew my name

I could stay here
Become someone different
I could stay here
Become someone better

It's so hard to go in the city
'Cause you wanna say hello to everybody
It's so hard to go into the city
'Cause you wanna say hey I love you to everybody
When we were teenagers we wanted to be the sky
Now all we wanna do is go to red places
And try to stay outta hell

It must be the colors
And the kids
That keep me alive
'Cause the music is boring me to death

It must just be the colors
And it must just be the kids
That keep me alive on this January night.

Yellow hair
You are a funny bear
Yellow hair
You are such a funny bear

As the time crawls by...

2009-05-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

It's been painstaking, watching the minutes slowly pass by, waiting patiently for the time to come to load the truck and get out of this place that has been my home for almost 7 years. If I had known that work would be nonexistent, and that I would be at home doing a whole lot of nothing waiting for Isaac to be done school, I would have pulled him out a few weeks early and just made the move at the end of May. But I guess it is good for him to see the 1st grade through, then make a clean break.

Since I don't have a show to edit right now, I have been attempting to keep myself busy... needless to say I've seen every new release, I'm currently reading the "Twilight Saga" (don't judge me I'm bored) and I am attempting to get a tan before I leave the sunny side of the country. I'm also trying to do all the things that you would think living here we would do more... Like go to Malibu (only 20 minutes away!)

So here are some photos of the last few weeks.

Isaac in the freezing cold water...

He still looks so small to me...

Milo looking guilty for something...

Milo looks a lot smaller than he is...

Isaac has taken to walking around the house in his underwear and boxing equipment... Don't ask!
Isaac and the Dream Team. Dr. Tolo (his spinal surgeon) and Nurse Phyllis... They have been our knights for the last 18 months, and to be honest will be the hardest people to leave behind!

Isaac has started horseback riding. He is really into it (which makes me really happy on the inside)... he has something special with the horses... this is something he will continue in PA as soon as we get settled!

Anti-Nester

2009-04-28T19:07:00.000-07:00

So when a mother is getting ready for a new child whether it be through adoption or birth, we tend to nest. We paint the walls, then re-paint them (we decided the color was just too green), then we put together furniture (those that have men have them do this, some of us not so lucky) we hang up pictures, put "Good Night Moon" on the bed side table, then we wait and wait and wait.

I did this when Isaac came home. His room was ready and waiting. It gave me something to do while I waited. Well I seem to be doing it again, or not doing it. I'm not sure what I'm doing. Isaac and I are moving back to the East Coast at the end of June (60 days away). I find myself at home without a whole lot to do, while I look for work to tie me over while I wait for Isaac to finish the first grade.

So... I have begun to pack! I have taken apart all my book cases, and begun to pack all the things we don't use on a regular basis. It gives me something to do and allows me to pass the time. So am I nesting (for the big move) or am I the Anti-Nester???

Over the last few weeks my life has been flipped upside down. The decision to move back home was a really hard one to make, I think my relationship has ended, and my lack of work has made the days begin to "speed" past me like a turtle in the desert (June 29th can't come soon enough).

So let's take a vote... am I nesting to deal with a broken heart and a major life change... or am I the Anti-Nester....

Home again, Home again...

2009-04-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

As some of you might remember, late last year I announced that Isaac and I were moving back East. The original take off date was the end of May. Then life began to change as it always does and I announced that Isaac and I were going to stay in LA for a bit longer. To be honest I have been in a relationship with a wonderful guy, Isaac needs surgery again, and at the time I had a great job right here in sunny California.

Well like all good things, some things come to an end. I finished my editing job at the beginning of March, and have yet to find another. The economy has finally caught up with Hollywood and it's hitting us hard. For the first time in 7 years I find myself with no work, and I'm not the only one.

I have begun to think about going back to school (for medicine of all things!) and it looks like I will have better luck finding a job with a production company based in Philly or with a company in Silver Springs, MD.

So on June 29th, I will be driving a giant yellow truck across country with all of our earthly possessions and Isaac and I are heading home. I have very mixed feeling about the move. One side of me is so excited to be going back east (I miss my people) and the other side of me is heart broken and sad (I have to leave my relationship with Brian behind and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't going to miss Los Angeles at least a little bit.)

I am the type of person who is known for jumping into the deep end with both feet without thinking about it first (this annoys my little sister Rachel to no end.) I have always been a strong swimmer and I have never doubted my decision to dive in, but I find myself a little frustrated as I say good bye to my way of life for the last 7 years and to a man that I have fallen very much in love with.

For the first time in a long time I feel as though I have absolutely no idea what the future holds, I have no idea which way is up, and I have no idea how this will all play out, and to be quite frank, that scares me just a wee bit!

But I know in my heart this is the right decision. I have complete faith that God has a plan in all this (whether it's for me to stay in TV editing or for me to go back to school full time and do the one other thing I have a very deep passion for!) I find myself at a crossroads and my choices are "road less traveled" or "road less traveled". Funny how God does that sometimes. He presents you with a choice, but takes the challenge of deciding out of it for you.

I think I'll take the "road less traveled" and see where it leads me!

Thomas...

2009-04-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago Isaac and I went to the funeral of Thomas Hugh Hearne. We first met Thomas in the ICU at CHLA after he had surgery to remove a tumor in his brain. From the moment they rolled him in it was like a presence of light rolled in with him. Over the next 72 days Isaac was in the hospital we would roll down to the 4th floor and visit Thomas and his mum Tish. The friendship that grew was one that I will never forget nor let go of. The strength that Tish had, kept me strong when I felt like giving up. She showed me what a strong woman is and how far a mother will go for her child. Thomas fought the good fight for 8 long months and in the end his daddy called him home.

I truly believe that our heavenly father got to the point that to spend even one more moment without Thomas in his presence was too much to bear, so he brought Thomas home to his side.

Nearly 1,000 people came to bid farewell to this amazing little boy. To think that an 8 year old boy could reach out and touch so many. May we all be so blessed to be able to leave a mark like that behind.

I first watched this short film before Isaac came home from Liberia and it touched my heart so deeply I have never been able to shake it. For those of you that have never seen it, I wanted to share it with you. It reminds me of Thomas. It reminds me of the love his Mother, Father, Brother, and Sister have for him.

We will miss you Thomas. You touched our hearts and there you will reside until we can meet with you again!

Photos and Names

2009-03-21T21:27:00.000-07:00

Jamie Z. took this photo of me and Isaac at Sea World! I love it. I'm gonna get it framed!
This one is so great as well!

I love these two photos of us....

He is so serious!

With having a bit of time on my hands, I have been keeping busy by applying for a mortgage, house hunting, and looking up the meaning of names!

I was surprised to find out the following...

Jocelyn means "Light Hearted" (Latin origin)

Isaac means "He will Laugh" (Hebrew origin)

Rachel means "Innocent Lamb" (Hebrew origin)

Kirstin means "the Anointed" (Greek origin)

Liesel means "Dedicated & Gracious" (German origin)

Paula means "Small One" (Latin origin)

Atticus means "Father-Like" (English origin)

Liam means "determined guardian" (Celtic/Gaelic origin)

Gideon means "great warrior" (Hebrew origin)

A few Photos from an awesome weekend with Friends!

2009-03-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

Photo by Isaac...
This horse was HUGE! I want one someday! The bigger the better...

Isaac rocking his new custom wheelchair!

I thought this waterfall was so beautiful!

Waiting for the dolphin show!

Isaac attempting to salute!

Cheese!!!
JJ, C, and JR waiting for the helicopter ride!

I can't decided if I like this one...

or this one????

Isaac and his best friend JJ before we got to Sea World...

Just hanging in the car!
It wasn't me!

It's been a while...

2009-03-05T10:18:00.000-08:00

So let me begin by giving a few update. Isaac is doing well overall. He's make little spurts of progress with his therapy from time to time, which gives us home that one day he might recover. He's doing well in school, and we are going to Sea World with our dear friends tomorrow. I am still dating Brian... who is proving to me that there are a few amazing single guys left out there in the world, and I am lucky enough to have found one (okay mom you can stop pretending to gag!)

Redeeming Waters has hit the half way point with our fundraising for the Kenya project. Anyone have $2500 they have been asking God what they should do with... RWI will take it and put it to good use.

I have finished my taxes and decided that this year will be the year I buy a house. For the first time since I moved to California 6 years ago, the market is at a point where I could actually afford a home in Southern California. So I'm hoping to start the search in the early summer!

UPDATE: So since I posted this post, I am no longer employed. I've spent a lot of time crying today since it came out of nowhere (which is worse than when you see it coming!) I know that my employment is in the Lord's hands, and that there is nothing to worry about since he will see me through this! Right now I am looking for my next editing gig (which I am confident I will be able to find soon!) So if you feel so inclined please pray that I find what I am looking for!

This is Isaac with his two therapists at the Reseda MTU!

K one of Isaac's two therapist has left us to finish her MD in Physical Therapy... we love her and miss her... though I think he BF will be helping me find a home this year!

How did I get here!?!

2009-02-18T14:12:00.001-08:00

So much can happen in a year or two. Two years and 5 days ago I sent an application out that would forever change my life. Since that day so much has happened. My beautiful amazing son has come home to me, started school, had surgery, lost his ability to walk, lived at the hospital, learned to walk again (with braces), & started 1st grade.

In my life, I've had success in my career, moved into a great new apartment and brought home a beautiful puppy.

If you had told me I would have experienced all this in two years and 5 days I would have laughed right in your face. (Mean I know!) To say that life has been a roller coaster would be the understatement of the year! I have learned that life comes at you fast. You can hold on and enjoy the ride (lows & highs) or you can let go and disappear into the vast emptiness.

I received an email today from Africa that brought me to tears. It brought answers to the many questions that I have been asking for 2 years regarding Isaac's medical past. It also had a very recent photo of Isaac's birth mom! When I saw her smiling face, it placed my heart and mind at ease! I have feared that she was in Liberia regretting her decision to give Isaac up for adoption. I fear that she lived with an overwhelming sadness, because I think that's what I would do. But this woman is the definition of strength & love! I can see Isaac's sweetness & kindness in her face. He looks so much like her.

The last 12 months have had such emotional highs and the lows have been the lowest of my life. And yet somehow God brought me through the clouds to a place where I could see him clearly again.

So I find myself thinking about the last 2 years, the decisions I made and how they have effected my life. And I have to ask, "How did I get here?" However it happened, thank you Lord Jesus I did!

Knott's Berry Farm

2009-02-07T17:03:00.001-08:00

Last Saturday we had an amazing day with our dear friends. I of course forgot to put the chip in my camera so Katy took these amazing photo! Thank you Katy!

Me with C!
Isaac with his future wife!

Me with H & M!
Isaac with Uncle Scott!

Me with Isaac and J!
Me with H! This is the most beautiful photo! I love it!
Uncle Scott with I, J, & C!

Change is in the Wind!

2009-02-03T10:58:00.000-08:00

So let me start with the fact that I love when Isaac takes pictures of himself. I love this one in particular. His lips are so big and beautiful and he is hugging "Weiner" the very first gift he was given in the hospital this summer. He makes me laugh!

So I believe there is some change coming in the wind. As you all know I have been planning to move to the east coast in June with Isaac. We have been looking forward to being close to family again but a few things have changed.

Just this week a show that I helped create has been pitched and it looks like will be picked up to air on TV. We have been waiting for this opportunity and are so excited with this God given chance. The show will be edited on the West Coast so it looks like I will be staying on this side of the country until we are done.

Also Isaac's therapy has been going so well out here that we want to continue for as long as possible without there being a break in time when he won't be in therapy (which would happen with the move). One of my big fears about moving was Isaac's health care. His surgeons being on the west coast and then going east made me nervous. (So I think God is giving me a little bit more time to get use to the idea!)

We know that we will find our way back home to the east coast in time, but for now it looks like we will be here a tad bit longer. This does make me a little sad since my little sister is getting Married this fall and I wanted to be there to help her plan, but again I guess I'll just have to do it from a distance for a while.

This is a picture of a dinosaur skeleton with a magnet on his back (like a saddle) and a paperclip stuck to the magnet. Only my son...

Isaac likes to take photos of his movies. Can you guess what Disney character this is??? It's Isaac's Favorite!

The Verdict is????

2009-01-29T09:11:00.000-08:00

So we met with Dr. Kay yesterday morning, and we had "good" news and "bad" news. The bad news is that Isaac has no muscle movement or strength in his left foot which is causing the foot to turn out. The doc said that Isaac's left foot can't and won't get any worse then it is. BAD NEWS!

The good news is that because Isaac has no muscle in his foot there is no muscle to work with to do the corrective surgery at this time. They have seen children make progress up to 1.5 years after spinal cord damage. So we have decided to wait until this time next year before they will go in and do the surgery to correct his foot (which will be an extensive surgery!) So no surgery for now. Instead we are praying for a miracle! GOOD NEWS!

To celebrate the Good and the Bad I have put some photos of Isaac up from January! I hope you enjoy.

Isaac getting ready to get his first Manicure. He wasn't excited because he thought it was a girly thing to do.

He is so full of it. He loved it. He liked getting pampered.

"Oh No I didn't!"
All suited up and ready for a great day on the mountain.

Seriously so cute!
Taking a quick breather before they come and get him in "the Mule" a red off-road vehicle that takes him up to the top so he doesn't have to walk.

Isaac's Condition Update

2009-01-21T19:59:00.001-08:00

So I wanted to give an update on Isaac's condition and what issues we are facing at this point in time. Before surgery we were dealing with a spinal deformity. Isaac's TB has severely deformed his spine. On July 8th he had surgery to fix the deformity and woke up without the use of his legs. After another surgery July 20th and 2.5 months of rehab, Isaac left CHLA and came home. He started to make real progress with his walking once he came home. He was driven and determined to walk normally once more.

Isaac has been in Physical Therapy since July and though he is able to "walk" and snowboard with his braces on, once we take the braces off, his feet quickly flip and turn out. They were hopeful that PT would help strengthen the muscles and pull his feet back to the normal position but PT has only been successful in working on his balance and walking with his braces on, all the while his feet have gotten progressively worse day by day.

As you can see in the photo above, when Isaac is standing upright his right foot pushes out to the right. He's unable to straighten this foot. His left foot flips onto it's side and the big toe curls under the little toes.

With the left foot flipping and the toe curling, this is a sign that the tendons are no longer working the way they should. The tendons on the inside of the foot aren't working at all and the tendons on the outside of the foot are working just enough to flip the foot out and pull the toes down (when they should be up). His foot also pops in and out of joint when he walks and he is at risk of fracturing his ankle if he steps on it the wrong way.

As you can see the right foot is pulled to the outside and his big toe is beginning to pull up and over the little toes (the exact opposite of the left foot). Isaac's right foot is in much better shape than his left, but over the last month we have grown alarmed at how much worse it's gotten.

Next Wednesday we are meeting with Dr. Kay (Isaac's foot/leg surgeon at CHLA) and Dr. Tolo (Isaac's Spinal surgeon at CHLA) to try and come up with a game plan to fix his tendons and muscles before he loses the use of his feet all together. It's looking like surgery will be necessary but we should know more in 6 days.

So that is the latest on Isaac. His back looks amazing (I'll post photos of it at a later date) and he is still snowboarding (with his braces on). We are getting a new brace for his left leg called a KFO (it goes all the way up the leg over the knee) this new brace will keep Isaac from locking his leg when he walks.

So it seems we have replaced one life-threatening disability with a life-altering one. Hopefully we can have some good news when we meet with Dr. Kay and Dr. Tolo.

Here's a little video of Isaac showing off his walking skills without his braces on!

A few photos to start off 2009...

2009-01-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

Isaac on New Years day... he picked out the outfit... shoes (from Rachel), Shorts (from Jessica), shirt (from Kirstin).

Don't let the browns eyes fool you, "I'm a killing machine!"

Milo: "Oh he dropped something, I wonder if I can eat it?"

Guns and popsicles (just a normal Saturday in our house)!

75 pounds of love.... in Africa they call me "Moto Moto... I'm so fine you have to say my name twice."

The kid can bowl...

Seriously braces and all...

He made those 6 lb. balls fly!

Plan to be Surprised

2008-12-31T22:02:00.000-08:00

So it's 1 hour 57 minutes till the new year. For the first time in my life I feel this incredible hope for the coming 365 days. Not because we have a new president or because gas prices are low. I feel hope because in 1 hour 56 minutes, I'm going to give 2009 completely away.

I have decided that this year I will set NO resolutions and I will make NO plans. They say that if you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.

I've been doing this all year. I told him I would fall in love in 2008, instead I got my heart broken not once but twice. I told him I would lose that last 15 pounds... I gained 20. I told him my son would snowboard with me over Christmas in Mammoth, he took away the use of his legs. I gave my heart again in friendship to a man who dropped me like a hat, never looking back. And yet with all the pain I have felt this past year, I wouldn't change a single moment. I wouldn't trade a single day in the hospital with my son, or the moments those men broke my heart. Because all the heart ache, tears, sadness, and disappointment has brought me to this place.

Now don't for even a moment think that I'm saying God punished me for my hopes, dreams, and plans. Not at all. He just had other plans for me and I was too busy to see them. When we are so focused on what we want, it hurts us sometimes when God gives us what we need. He gave me what I needed this year.

The time in the hospital I bonded with my son and earned his trust in a way I don't think I would have done outside of that place, and my mom bonded with her grandson, even in the mist of great pain and sorrow, they forged a relationship that can never be broken. When I walked away from my relationships I learned what kind of men I don't want raising my son. When I lost my friend, I found a God who healed my heart and when we went home for Christmas, I got a chance to renew and rest with my family, something I so desperately needed.

Everything that I viewed as a disappointment at the time, looking back, turned out to be the best part of my year. So in 1 hour 48 minutes, I'm giving this year to God. I make no plans for this year, I give it completely to him. I make no plans for my career, I give it him. I make no plans to see my son run again, I give it to him. I make no plans to fall in love, I give it to him.

This year I'm planning for only one thing... To be Surprised! By what he has planned.

Christmas: The Good, The Bad, and The Sometimes Sad...

2008-12-25T19:07:00.000-08:00

Coming home this holiday season has been an emotional roller coaster. There's a part of me that has enjoyed it because it's given me something to look forward to as Isaac and I prepare to relocate east in June. This trip has assured me that moving east is the best move for not only me (career wise), but also for my son. He's so happy when he's around my brother (Atticus is 4 months older than Isaac) and my mom. He has such a deep love for my family and they for him. I know that moving "home" will be insane, due to the sheer number of people in my parents 3 bedroom townhouse (8 people, 9 if you include Milo the giant wonder puppy). So needless to say I'll only be in my parents home for a month at most (just until Isaac and I find an apartment in NY or DC). But the excitement of moving home has grown over the past few days as I glimps (even just for a moment) the future and all it holds for us.

I've also had a few days of great snowboarding. I know this might make me a serious nerd. But snowboarding is so relaxing for me, (even when I find myself flat on my arse at the top of an advanced slope wondering how in heaven name I'm going to get down to the bottom). The long lifts rides to the top allow me a lot of time to sit and think and dare I say have conversations with the one who is always listening. He and I have had a lot to talk about as this year is coming to a close. I found myself more than once in tears hanging over a mountain edge riding the lift wondering "how did I get here? And where in Jesus name am I going?!" Yet somehow by the time I found myself at the bottom of the mountain waiting in line to ride back up he had placed peace upon my heart just in time for another all out brawl on the way up again!

But this Christmas has been sad as well. It's the first year that my grandfather isn't with us. And it breaks my heart that my son never got to spend a Christmas with him (we were stuck in LA last year and he passed in May of this year!) I watched as my grandmother cried when she saw a photo my mother had framed for her of my grandfather at the age of 21 in the Navy. And it broke my heart, because while I'm feeling the sadness of being very much alone this holiday season, my grandmother for the first time in well over 50 years is alone this Christmas as well, and I can't imagine the feeling of loss she must have in her heart. Her soul mate is gone and no one can ever replace him, and until the day she meets him again, she will feel that loss over and over again.

But this Christmas has been an emotional one. I watched as my son gave a hug and kiss to every person who gave him a gift, after every gift (my mom got more than she could count). And I thought to myself "he's a great kid, a kind kid, maybe, just maybe I'm doing something right, or wait maybe that's just him!"

There are times when I doubt every decision I make. Where I lose sight of the fact that I'm not running the show, I'm simply a passenger in the car. More than once this holiday season I've attempted to take the wheel and get in the drivers seat and everytime, the reality of that decision has hit me like a brick wall, and it's all I can do to give him back the keys. I'm a driver, I always have been. I like to be in control, but this Christmas something I'm learning is that to succeed, to walk the life you are meant to walk, sometimes you have to give up control. Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself. Sometimes you have to just know, and trust, and have faith that he's gonna be there to guide your ever step through the good, through the bad, and through the sometimes sad.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Small Miracle??? Dare I Say???

2008-12-14T17:09:00.001-08:00

5 months ago Isaac came out of spinal surgery unable to move even a toe. He was classified as a paraplegic. One of my first thoughts didn't go to the fact that he may never walk again, it went to the truth that he may never snowboard again, something he and I both fell deeply in love with last year.

Today we went for the first time since his surgery... I think the video speaks for itself!

Isaac's Ski Instructor from last year... thankfully he didn't hold it against us that we switched to snowboarding!
Isaac and his coach Britney!

Taking a little breather at the end of the day... Isaac did 13 runs!!!

Headaches and Thanksgiving!

2008-12-04T15:38:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting here at work with a headache that might just split my head in two like something out of a graphic novel. Needless to say I can't look at my editing system with it's moving images at this moment, so I thought I would try and type away the pain.

A lot has happened since my last post, I had the grand and amazing privilege to have my best friend and 3 of her children descend upon my 2 bedroom flat for Thanksgiving. Charity arrived Wednesday afternoon, and we somehow managed to keep all the kids busy, eat a ton of food, and enjoy our misery together for the holidays, and we did it on a mad budget (photos to be posted post hast...)

Isaac has finally begun his physical therapy once again. His new therapist, is amazing, and we love her so much. They are really working on his strength trying to naturally straighten the left foot which has curled and curved the wrong way. He'll be receiving a new brace called a KFO for his left leg which will extend over the knee so that he can't lock his knee when walking (think Forrest Gump!)

He's moving really well, and when we went to visit with Faith and her crew before Thanksgiving, I got to watch Isaac ride a scooter for the first time in 5 months. It was an amazing sight. He is doing really well despite the issues with his left foot!

We will be heading home for 10 days in less than 2 weeks, and we can't wait to spend some time with friends and family on the east coast, and of course dream about our big move, which is going down the second week of June. Oh it can't come soon enough!

Well headache or not, I need to get something done before I leave. I'll post some Thanksgiving photos soon!

2008-11-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

Okay so I've been tagged. I know some of you have tagged me in the past, but I never remember to do it... but I thought I would do it this time... So Tessa tagged me... so here goes!

1. Weird Fact #1... I have this weird fetish with hoodie sweatshirts. I love them. I would rather wear a hoodie than a jacket. I have like 20 hoodies in my closet. I have more hoodies then I do shoes. It's an obsession.

2. Weird Fact #2... I love to see movies alone. When I need "me time" I get someone to watch Isaac and I'll spend the afternoon and go to the movies and watch 2 or 3 in a row. It's an escape for me. I love to sit in a dark room and disappear from reality for a short while.

3. Weird Fact #3... I bite my nails. Like hardcore bite my nails. I have quit more times than I can remember. I go 2 or 3 months without biting them and then all of a sudden I'll be biting them for no reason what so ever. Winter is the best time for my nails because I wear gloves and can't bite my nails.

4. Weird Fact #4... I love to have Thanksgiving Dinner through-out the year. I buy turkeys when they are on sale and put them in our deep freezer, then I make a full Thanksgiving dinner a couple times a year and invite friends over. I LOVE Thanksgiving dinner!

5. Weird Fact #5... I'm feel deeply close to God when I'm snowboarding. There is something primal, for me when I'm snowboarding down a steep slope. There is a weird connection to the earth that can't be broken. I pray a lot when I snowboard. I tend to come home from the mountain feeling full and happy, because I've just spent 8 hours with God and no one else.

6. Weird Fact #6... I find men that are built like Vin Diesel or Hugh Jackmen, to be insanely hot. I don't do big muscles in general, but there is something to be said about a big bear hug from a man like this. Their arms are huge... it would be a hard core hug... oh and if you throw on an accent of any nature... I'm done... big muscle arms and an accent... I know you don't have to say it...

7. Weird Fact #7... well I failed this weird tagging. I'm so stinkin boring, there isn't really anything that interesting about me. I wish I had some great stuff to share, but I don't. Sorry!

New York, NEW YORK

2008-11-12T08:52:00.000-08:00

Okay so we are gonna do it. Do what you say??? Well as many of you know I am from the east coast. I was born in Oregon, but was raised just outside Philadephia. My entire teen life I couldn't wait to move to Los Angeles. It was the holy land of the entertainment industry and all I wanted to do was get there and live my life.

I moved here 5 1/2 years ago after I was accepted to attend AFI for my graduate program. After I graduated, I immediatly started working and have been busy ever since. It took a while, but I have learned to LOVE Los Angeles and all it has to offer!

But I have gotten EAST COAST FEVER. I have this intense desire to go back to my east coast roots and set up shop there for a while and see what happens. I'm fortunate enough to have amazing contacts on the West Coast that if I ever were to return, I would have a job right away. So really what am I sacrificing making a move and seeing what happens???

I have an amazing son that loves to roll with the punches. He seriously doesn't care if we up and move. In fact the idea that he might be able to chill at G-mom's house for a month or two while I get us settled is almost too much for him to handle. He does a little happy dance just at the thought.

Don't get me wrong I'm not moving home! Sorry mom, I love you, but I'd kill everyone if I did that, but after some encouragement from a dear dear friend, he's helping me find a job in New York, Philly, or DC.

So the goal is to move around August of 2009. Right before Isaac starts the 2nd grade. My friend Al and I are hoping to start a production/post-house in the tri-state area in the next two years, and in the mean time I'm gonna work on other shows to make a living.

Oh I'm seriously scared to make this move. What if I fail, what if I end up back in LA, What if, What if, What if??? Whatever, I look at it this way what's the worst thing that can happen, Isaac and I end up back in LA in two years no worse for the wear doing what we did before???

Not too big a deal in my book! So ladies and gentlemen mark your calanders and get ready, Isaac and I are coming home!

Redeeming Waters

2008-10-30T10:18:00.000-07:00

So I haven't updated in a while on where we are with Redeeming Waters. This summer has been a little crazy with both Isaac and Charity's son Emmanuel being in the hospital, but even with all the craziness we have been able to raise $2000 for our first project in Kitali, Kenya.

We have become a recognized, licensed Non-Profit in the state of California, we have formed our board of directors, and we have our application in to the state for our tax-exempt status.

With the holiday's coming up I know that family begin to buckle down and get ready for the gift giving, family holiday meals, and sheer joy and insanity of the season, but I wanted to give you all something to think about for just a moment.

Between now and Christmas 84,000 people will die from unclean water in the third world. Of those 84,000, 90% of those people will be children under the age of 5.

But for very little we can make a huge difference! With a donation of $20 you will provide a child in one of 5 orphanages in Kitali, Kenya with clean drinking water until they reach the age of 18.

We still need to raise $4,500 to be able to provide these children with their filters. Our goal is that by the New Year we will have reached our goal...

WILL YOU HELP US?

We need your help. We need 200 people to donate $20. That's 5 cups of coffee from Starbucks, one DVD from Wal-Mart, two tickets to the latest blockbuster in the theater on a Friday night!

For very little you can give life to a child that otherwise won't have one. Please visit our website!

Redeeming Waters International

Or you can donate directly to the right of this post by hitting the DONATE Button. Checks can be made out to Redeeming Waters International.

Thank you so very much for helping us reach our goal.

Captivating Warrior

2008-10-26T20:28:00.000-07:00

When I was younger I wanted to be precious to someone, especially my dad. As I've gotten older and matured I long to be pursued, desired and wanted as a woman. Yet I must ask why am I so embarrassed by the depth of my desire for this. Though I can tell you that this is by no means my only desire. My other desire is a bit unconventional.

As a girls we are often raised to be wives and mothers. Often, too often we are told that our only place is in the home and kitchen and that we should desire to be mothers and wives first and everything else second. There's nothing wrong with this at all, though I must admit this is where I fall so desperately short.

Becoming a mother was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. Isaac changed my life in ways I never thought possible, but my desire to be apart of a great adventure still beats deep inside my soul.

"Their is something fierce in the heart of a woman. Simply insult her children, her man, or her best friend and you'll get a taste of it. A woman is a warrior too. But she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way."

I feel as though I understand this. As a young girl and teenager I longed to be a cop, firefighter, soldier. If it involved any sort of action I was in. I longed to live life on the wild side. The women I grew up admiring were Arwen and Eowyn (the woman who were so instrumental in saving middle earth in "The Lord of the Rings", also Elizabeth Bennett from "Pride and Prejudice" because she was not afraid to go against the convention of her time. I longed to be like these woman, to know that in the end the part I played would mean something.

I don't want to be a "safe" and "nice" woman, not merely "sweet," but a passionate and powerful woman who is beautiful as a warrior. I have grown to want more than anything to be needed in this great adventure called life. My desire to be a "warrior" is not only to be needed, but like Arwen, Eowyn, and Elizabeth, I want to be irreplaceable.

All this being said, they say that every man wants three things; to "battle or fight", to find great adventure in his life, and finally that every man longs for a beauty to rescue. Where would Robin Hood be with Maid Marian?

I as a woman don't fear a man's strength if he is a good man. In fact I demand it. Why is it so taboo to expect a man to open my door, or pay for dinner? When did all this become a way of the past? Aren't women suppose to be women and men suppose to be men? When did this change? And how do we get it back again?

"A woman in the presence of a good man, a real man, loves being a woman. His strength allows her feminine heart to flourish. His pursuit draws out her beauty. And a man in the presence of a real woman loves being a man. Her beauty arouses him to play the man, it draws out his strength. She inspires him to be a hero."

I believe this life can be found. If we are willing to embark on a great adventure. That I, we can unveil the woman we were created to be, Glorious, powerful, captivating, and nothing less.