...nurgh...

Wednesday Is Any Day For All I Care #37

2009-07-14T21:30:00.000-05:00

Absolution #0
Chew #1
Superman #689

Absolution #0 (Avatar, 2009, $1.99)
Oh look, another dark, edgy superhero who crosses the line. It must still be 1989. Hell, even the art of Roberto Viacava recalls the period, with influences including Steve Lightle, Dusty Abell, Brian Talbot, and maybe a little Bob McLeod. Still, his work with writer Christos Gage is solid for what it is, even if that's just about the zillionth post-Watchmen pastiche.

Chew #1 (Image, 2009, $2.99)
An interesting premise, a great gimmick, and some decent banter. John Layman's all about laying things out, but it's a satisfying first issue read. I'm not wild about Rob Guillory's art style, but that's more due to personal bias than any deficits in his ability. The storytelling is clear, and the marriage of words and pictures is about perfect.

Superman #689 (Dynamite, 2009, $2.99)
I've got a thing for international super-heroes, especially in a shared universe, so I figured I'd give this issue a try. The premise is that terminal Superman stand-in Mon-El is trying to improve his public relations with a world tour. The individual countries are given short shrift, about a page each, and offering only narrative captions at that. It was fun seeing obscurities like Freedom Beast and Iman again, but the presumably new creations fall flat. Also, I could have sworn Rising Sun was dead/crippled or something, and tongue-in-cheek giant robots stalking Japan were so very tired long ago. This feels like James Robinson in work-for-hire mode, while artist Renato Guedes suffers from excessive rendering over his once sleek style, which is either evolving or sabotaged by his inker. Finally, the subplots involving Guardian and Steel-- and come to think of it even Mon-El-- did not inspire a return visit.

A Frank Review of "The Shining" (1980)

2009-07-13T23:30:00.001-05:00

The Short Version? All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy.
What Is It? Psychological Horror.
Who Is In It? The Joker and Olive Oyl
Should I See It? No.

As a boy, my mother and grandmother took me to see "Kramer vs. Kramer," a 1979 drama about the effects of the divorce of Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep on their young son. I barely remember the flick, and haven't seen it since. What I vividly recalled for years after was the twisted fucking trailer that preceded it showing elevator doors opening to unleash a wave of blood. Having been raised by the aforementioned women up to that point, I was a little pussy, so my eyes were covered and my psyche scarred long before the screen was totally awash in the red stuff. In fact, I probably saw what I did through my mother's fingers, before closing my eyes and knowing regret. I didn't actually see The Shining until years later, when I finally began to man-up and embrace the world of horror. I didn't watch it all the way through, catching bits and pieces, but it seemed pretty damned creepy.

Finally, my girlfriend decided she just had to buy the two disc special edition DVD, and we watched it while cuddling on the couch in the dark. I fell asleep. About three times.

Stanley Kubrick is revered as one of the greatest directors of all time, and The Shining a genre masterpiece. The production is storied: Shelley Duvall's hair began to fall out over her anxiety from a rocky working relationship with the director. Nicholson would throw away the daily rewrites of the script, because he knew by the time he spoke his lines, they would have changed again. The hotel set was the largest ever built to that point. Kubrick was so meticulous, the movie was in production for over a year. Though author Stephen King initially hated the loose screen adaptation of his novel, both he and audiences eventually warmed to the picture as a separate entity. Much has been made of the film's subtexts, such as the consequences of American imperialism. Reviewers as revered as Roger Ebert gave the movie an initial thumbs down, but changed their minds with time.

None of the above matters. The Shining is shit.

The acting is shit across the board. Jack Nicholson mugs and hams his way throughout the entire picture, with all the nuance of Jim Carrey as Ace Ventura. He is clearly playing a madman from the onset. There is no slow decent as he and his family are isolated as caretakers of an abandoned off-season snowy mountain resort. Instead, all of Nicholson's worst, most cartoonish instincts are on display throughout. Shelley Duvall's performance as the enabling wife is so regrettably bad it seems like she's having trouble playing a human being, much less a specific woman. From her "awe shucks" hillbilly accent to her later hysterics, Duvall doesn't even seem to be in the same dimension as the rest of us. I'm convinced she was the basis for Mark McKinney's Chicken Lady. Danny Lloyd as their traumatized psychic son serves as an ambulatory prop while in character, and an irritating distraction when channeling his psychic friend "Tony" through a froggy voice and a wiggling finger. Scatman Crothers as the helpful "nigger cook" is the least embarrassing, though still rather broad, and exactly the stereotype the description implies. All of the characters are static, never moving far from their archetype, and the rest of the cast is so wooden, you could be forgiven for confusing them with set dressing.

The script is shit. That will happen when you constantly rewrite while veering far from your source material. It leads to actors repeating the exact same lines ad nauseum ("Hello! Is anyone here!" "Redrum" "Get away from me!") It also leads to nonsensical ad-libbing, despite the bullshit line "Here's Johnny" being wrong-headedly canonized by pop culture as a sign of menace. The dialogue is insipid, with exposition coming into play that is abundantly obvious to anyone watching, which doesn't stop anyone from restating that obvious incessantly.

The music is shit. What could have been an effective, nerve-shredding score in moderation is instead cut into every mundane goddamned scene. Paper pulled from a typewriter? Cue a string shriek. Walking through the snow? Lets get some thumping drums in there. Generic title cards? Cymbal clash! I don't believe there's ever been a more obnoxiously grating soundtrack in the history of film.

The editing is shit. There's nearly two and a half hours of people listlessly wandering around a friggin' hotel. Nicholson's breakdown goes on forever. Sequences are repeated to minimal effect. Move! Go! Please!

The special effects are shit. The woman in the tub is an obvious rubber suit, and most of the gore is just blood splatter. There's a sequence where a hall is filled with cobweb-covered skeletons that could have come right out of a cheapie William Castle production twenty-plus years older. Plus, this movie has such a low body count it's a few cuts away from airing on ABC Family.

The direction is shit. Stanley Kubrick is a visual stylist, and he can claim some wonderfully designed shots, but what reasonably competent director couldn't after fussing over scenes for a hundred takes each? There are just as many awkward and unintentionally humorous images. People, really, the freezing death? High comedy. None of it compensates for fatigued performances, pathetic dialogue, and Kubrick's pulling every cheap horror gag in the book. With the benefit of time, even Saw comes off less exploitative and more original than this tripe. The emperor has no clothes! Get over The Shining already!

Included with the DVD set are multiple documentaries in which famous people talk about not liking the movie, or personally loathing the director at first, but being talked into respecting the technical prowess and/or just blowing smoke about the pretentious shit posthumously. Also, The Making of the Shining, a rambling home movie by Vivian "His Daughter" Kubrick.

A Frank Review of "Brüno" (2009)

2009-07-13T03:00:00.001-05:00

The Short Version? Supergay on parade in the U.S.A.
What Is It? Mockumentary
Who Is In It? Sacha Baron Cohen and cameos-o-plenty
Should I See It? Yes.

Speaking as an especially socio-sexually liberal individual, Brüno is one of the funniest movies I've ever seen. While not as subversive as Borat, and a much choppier, skit-filled film, Brüno overcomes comparison through the comedic genius of Sacha Baron Cohen. The movie is terribly ribald, though its overt homosexuality is less queezy that the nude wrestling sequence from Cohen's previous work. I personally found it less offensive yet more daring, as the situations Cohen places himself in are far more dangerous this time around, and his victims more deserving of ridicule. Brüno isn't as quotable or accessible to mass audiences, which should preserve its vitality in the long run, and thank God for that. I was part of a party of four intelligent film buffs who rarely agree on anything, but our love for and laughter at Brüno was unanimous. No green band trailer could do the film justice, and a more revealing look would only spoil some of the fun. No worries though, as the movie is fun packed with funny, and absolutely recommended to anyone who could possibly find the material palatable.

A Frank Review of "Juno" (2007)

2009-07-13T02:30:00.001-05:00

The Short Version? Snarky 15-year-old gets pregnant in the Quirkyverse.
What Is It? Indie Dramedy
Who Is In It? Kitty Pryde, J. Jonah Jameson, Alias, that chick from The West Wing and the two biggest guys from Arrested Development
Should I See It? Yes.

I only just saw Juno, much to the amazement of most people who know me and my taste in movies. It's true that screenwriter Diablo Cody reads like the lovechild of Daniel Waters and Amy Sherman-Palladino, and she even reminds of ex-girlfriends. However, there's enough of the hipster in me to sneer at the obvious debts owed. "Oh wait, now you guys are suddenly down with sardonic wit peppered with pop culture references and lyrical wordplay delivered with the lightning speed of '40s screwball comedy? I mean, the premise is straight out of Gilmore Girls, a show you refused to watch when I recommended it nearly a decade ago! Didn't Heathers also invent new teenspeak so a thirty-something could sound cutting edge, instead of like a tin-eared old fogey?" So yeah, I enjoyed Juno, but I'm still too fucking cool for this room, okay?

Ellen Page plays the title character in her best performance to date, making unbelievable dialogue ring true and selling her twenty years at 25% off with the aid of her five foot frame. Michael Cera is the suitably bewildered unintended father of Juno's bastard child. J.K. Simmons is unimpeachable in his warmth toward his suddenly expanding family, while retaining the right amount of prickliness and obliviousness to serve as Juno's daddy. Olivia Thirlby is the most obvious actual teenager in the cast, so it's understandable her being older in real life than onscreen BFF Page would come as a shock to the uninformed. Allison Janney is an absolute delight as Juno's supportive step-mother, though her own biting comments make it clear from whence Juno derives her acidic tongue. The screenwriter has such a strong voice, it could have threatened the individuality of a lesser cast, but these superior actors never allow lines to blur. To Cody's credit, she also writes characters of clearly variant intelligences with verisimilitude, a rare ability in my experience. Some of her characters are smarter than others, but she rarely condescends or overextends anyone for the sake of a gag.

On the down side, Cody's obvious contempt for yuppies sabotages the couple intended to adopt Juno's unwanted child. Jason Bateman never comes across as anything more than a dude trapped in an uncomfortable situation, and the only reason Jennifer Garner's character couldn't foresee trouble is because of her own obsessive, one-note performance. Rainn Wilson of The Office also has an obnoxious cameo.

One has to wonder if Jason Reitman hates the work of his famous director father Ivan, because where the paterfamilias's oeuvre is aggressively mainstream and disingenuous, Jason seems intent on zeroing in on truth and independent sensibilities. Jason Reitman is excellent at keeping the somewhat extraordinary characters and circumstances real, and maintaining the proper tone throughout the production. On the other hand, he also plays right out of the indie comedy playbook, from the pseudo-hand lettered notebook titles to the aggravatingly twee soundtrack cues, even as his characters constantly reference punk rockers like Iggy Pop and the Melvins.

All in all though, Juno is a joy; the smart, feel-good quirky hit of whatever year it made the most money, and deserving of every penny.

A Frank Review of "Videodrome" (1983)

2009-07-13T01:30:00.001-05:00

The Short Version? Too much television rots your brain.
What Is It? Horror/Sci-Fi
Who Is In It? James Woods, Blondie
Should I See It? Yes.

I first saw Videodrome at a young age on basic television, and if I was normal before (doubtful,) I certainly haven't been right since. This movie introduced me to his scummy majesty, James Woods, and the very concepts of body horror, sadomasochism and snuff. At a time when Playboy and Penthouse magazines were formulating my perception of human sexuality while violence was defined by Stallone and Schwarzenegger action fests, this David Cronenberg masterpiece was like an atomic explosion of incomprehensible depravity within my developing brain.

In that sense, I'm not unlike the film's protagonist, small time television broadcaster Max Renn. His Civic-TV is known for its controversial softcore pornography and hardcore violence, but even Renn is blown away by a pirate broadcast he picks up of seemingly real sadistic torture. Renn is drawn further into this "videodrome" by his new ladyfriend, played by Debbie Harry of the band Blondie, who gets off on the kink of it all. It should be clear from the onset that Videodrome is sinister in nature, which might explain why my Jesus loving father made me turn it off after fifteen minutes during a recent viewing attempt, and why my left-brain girlfriend was dissatisfied by the affair's end. As the story becomes increasingly hallucinatory, the mysterious conspiracy surrounding Videodrome deteriorates into dream logic, but who needs rational explanations when Renn's belly sprouts vagina dentata that swallows the nearest phallic symbol?

It's true though, that the technology dates the production. References to cathode rays, enormous television units built into furniture, Betamax libraries, and the sometimes clunky early work of Oscar-winning special effects master Rick Baker come off more quaint than one might hope. The once edgy sexual violence is now quite tame
by internet standards, and the once disorienting narrative is fairly linear after years of exposure to David Lynch and his successors. Still, the threat of Videodrome remains, and some of the practical effects are still mind boggling and stomach churning. Videodrome has been influential to the point of plagiarism (I'm looking especially at The Matrix, and I'm saying long live the new flesh.) Woods is as great as ever, Harry's stiffness suits her affected character, and the supporting cast is solid. Over a quarter-century later, Videodrome still manifests the predictions of McLuhan and Warhol that ring ever truer in our increasingly media-obsessed and deviancy inclined culture. Come to Videodrome. It wants you.

Finally, here's a more revealing trailer for the film, though after the swank '70s/'80s cheese above, I can't imagine you're bothering to keep reading before hitting your Netflix queue...

1981 Amazing Heroes #6 Kevin Nowlan Doom Patrol Pin-Up

2009-07-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

From the November 1981 issue of Amazing Heroes comes this piece, which complimented the article "The Life and Death of the Doom Patrol" by George Guay.

Wednesday Is Any Day For All I Care #36

2009-07-07T21:00:00.000-05:00

Batman and Robin #1 (2009)
Hack/Slash Entry Wound One-Shot
Project Superpowers: Chapter Two #0
Trojan War #1 (2009)

Batman and Robin #1 (DC, 2009, $2.99)
I like the new bearers of the mantles, the art, and the villains. I don't care for the decompressed storytelling and the general feeling nothing much happened before the comic book was over. Lightweight and brief, feeling more like a surprisingly good Jeph Loeb script than a Grant Morrison/Frank Quitely pairing.

Hack/Slash Entry Wound One-Shot (Devil's Due Publishing, 2009, $2.50)
After enjoying the Hack/Slash: New Reader Halloween Treat #1, I was pleased to get a second look at the series. Unfortunately, it didn't play as well this time. The story opened against the backdrop of some sort of paranormal-themed independent comics intercompany crossover, though by the end that may have just been a tease or a gag. The action instead shifted a few pages in to series stars Cassie Hack and her "monstrous partner and friend" Vlad on a rather generic adventure, despite a bit of carpet munching (though that has made its way into a few horror movies I can recall.) Whether foreshadowing or satire was intended through the parallel storylines, I just found myself frustrated and disinterested by the end that neither came to a satisfying conclusion (double entendres unintended.) At least Tim Seeley's art was nice to look at, as was a pin-up section.

Project Superpowers: Chapter Two #0 (Dynamite, 2009, $1.00)
In one of my first reviews for this blog, I gave Project Superpowers #0 a nod, though in retrospect that was clearly driven more by nostalgia and potential than what was on the page. This was evident to me by the time of my review for Project Superpowers: Chapter Two Prelude, and as it turned out, I gave the trade collection a pass. Now the second maxi-series is gearing up, and by this point my interest level seems to be in freefall. I'm sick to death of these Twilight of the Super-Heroes retreads, by now including Alex Ross' own Kingdom Come. Further, this book fairly reeks of the Bush Administration, whose time is so done it seems to have sank the entire Republican party for a few more elections. Worse, the storytelling has the musty smell of '70s Captain America, and if anything the characterization has put me off mightily from these heroes, in no way recalling their Golden Age origins beyond names and some especially silly costumes. Finally, I'm done with these "Alex Ross projects" in which unknowns do all the actual work. Is it just me, or is Dynamite Entertainment the new Charlton Comics?

Trojan War #1 (Marvel, 2009, $3.99)
"Marvel Saga Presents: The Illiad?" Sure, squeezing epic poems into comic book mini-series takes some serious editing skills and an abundance of exposition, especially in a book filled with good sized panels and splash pages. Regardless, Roy Thomas has always had a gift for adapting outrageous stretches of material without turning them into textbook slogs, while the art by Miguel Sepulveda and Jason Martin is lushly rendered and never claustrophobic.

A Frank Review of "Seraphim Falls" (2007)

2009-07-06T01:46:00.002-05:00

The Short Version? Revenge! Long damned drawn-out revenge!
What Is It? Western.
Who Is In It? Pierce Brosnan, Liam Neeson, Michael Wincott and some cameos.
Should I See It? No.

Rob Roy plays an ex-Confederate soldier who has hired a team of guns (including Top Dollar and that character actor who always plays tough cops and bad guys) to hunt an ex-Union Officer (Remington Steele.) James Bond gets all John Rambo/McClane, surviving absurd amounts of bodily harm while perpetrating ridiculous bullshit kills against his pursuers straight out of a clever slasher flick. Then things slow way down, scenery changes, and moralizing pretense gets in the way of the movie's slight charms. Character motivations aren't revealed until the last reel, so all the violence and sermonizing lacks context to invest the viewer beyond a visceral level. Holding back may have been intended as a bait and switch for audience members getting off on the violence, but in truth they're the only ones serviced, as the rest of us are kept at arm's length by scant dialogue and overdue exposition. The film's near two hour running time feels like three, but the story only has the mileage of an old '50s television anthology of less than an hour's length. Worse, the paranormal comes into play toward one of those endings you think is right around the corner, again and again, to no relief. Oskar Schindler is grim and terse. Thomas Crown grunts and whines in pain. Michael Wincott croaks threats like a toad with a 'tude. Anjelica Huston plays the devil. Yes, the friggin' devil, which still isn't as retarded as Wes Studi's mystic Injun' revelation or Angie Harmon's burning revelation-- Aquarius! AQUAAAARIUUUUSS!

The film looks great, thanks to Oscar winning cinematographer John Toll. The script, co-written by first time feature director David Von Ancken, leaves so much to be desired it explains why he was sent back to cable television after this.

A Frank Review of "Food, Inc." (2009)

2009-07-05T01:26:00.000-05:00

The Short Version? Industrially Processed Food Is Bad. Here's your bumper sticker.
What Is It? Documentary.
Who Is In It? Hippie Tree Huggers.
Should I See It? Maybe.

Your Oscar Meyer wieners are filled with chicken lips. Surprised? Thought not. It's a message nearly as heavily circulated as "smoking gives you cancer," yet this doc still manages to dig up a chubby family who claim their only option to feed themselves is the drive-thru, based on time and the comparative price of a head of lettuce. I have trouble getting out of a Jack-In-The-Box or Subway for much under $10 just for myself, so I call bullshit there. By the same token, I've yet to suffer from dropsy or scurvy, so obviously there's some benefit to my not eating like people from a hundred years ago.

Point being, Food, Inc. is all about well-trod arguments regarding food safety, as well as the treatment of animals and workers by evil big business. If you care, it's preaching to the choir. If you care and need a pleasant, concise, visually stimulating video argument to present your case to the unwashed couch potato, here's your future loaner DVD. If you don't care at all, you're the average American, and without Moore/Spurlock shenanigans, you'll give this a pass (even as a loaner from your liberal friend.)

2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 1: Disturbing Duckie

2009-07-04T17:30:00.000-05:00

From the January 2002 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"Sometimes, I watch you sleep."

2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 3: The Conspiratorial Clown

2009-07-03T16:30:00.000-05:00

From the March 2002 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"No one ever
has to know."

2001 Stuff Volume 2, Number 13: "Why?"

2009-07-02T19:45:00.000-05:00

From the December 2000 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Jens Mortensen.

"Why?"

2005 Palindromes Lobby Card

2009-07-01T18:00:00.000-05:00

2001 Stuff Volume 2, Number 19: Chicken Taunts

2009-06-30T18:45:00.000-05:00

From the June 2001 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"Your doggy
is never
coming home!"

Wednesday Is Any Day For All I Care #35

2009-06-29T20:45:00.000-05:00

Dellec #0
The Incredible Hercules #129 (2009)
Jonah Hex #43 (2009)
R.E.B.E.L.S. #4-5 (2009)

Dellec #0 (Aspen, 2009, $1.99)
I tried all the early Image books, and found Mark Silvestri's to be the most derivative and least interesting, even against limp competition like Rob Liefeld and Jim Valentino. I've never been fond of Michael Turner's work either, him being the other artist most closely associated with Silvestri's Top Cow Productions. So when Turner broke off to form Aspen Studios, essentially his half-assed version of Silvestri's fairly tepid company, I was overwhelmed with indifference. I know both have their fans, as they grind out action/sci-fi/fantasy fare of a dependable quality, but they never did anything for me.

Still, I'm actively looking for genre material outside the big two, and Aspen keeps offering introductory priced preview issues, so I tried again after Soulfire: New World Order: Beginnings. As should come as no surprise, this also sucks. It reads like a video game adaptation of The Da Vinci Code, or maybe someone watching the first half of the movie and deciding it needed a bad ass on a boss hog... with spikes! It's cryptic, yet also obvious, not to mention plain dumb. You can save your two bucks and just read it free online here, with Aspen's full consent. Or should that read "fool consent?"

The Incredible Hercules #129 (Marvel, 2009, $2.99)
I picked this book up because it promised to finally explain the revolving door policy of Marvel Comics' afterlife. The explanation was cute, as was the banter between lead characters Herc and Amadeus Cho. The issue was new reader friendly, and I enjoyed my visit well enough, but not quite to the degree required to buy the next chapter of the serial. No flies on writers Greg Pak and Fred Van Lente, though. Penciller Ryan Stegman's a good storyteller, but whether it's his style or inker Terry Pallot's, the line weights are all wonky in that tattoo flash/'80s indie comic way.

Jonah Hex #43 (DC, 2009, $2.99)
There are few artists who still thrill me enough to buy them on a random project, but a one-off story drawn by Paul Gulacy can do the trick. Pairing him with Jonah Hex, the disfigured western favorite I like to revisit now and again, was a no-brainer purchase. I don't even mind fourteen Steranko-style mostly silent pages. It's the remaining eight, filled with expository dialogue and a tacked-on epilogue that doesn't quite make sense, that costs the issue points. Writers Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray get in their own way, and less forgivable, Gulacy's. It's not a tragedy, but next time they should remember, "better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."

R.E.B.E.L.S. #4-5 (DC, 2009, $2.99)
I'm currently buying this book for two reasons, my love of Vril Dox and the gorgeous art of Andy Clarke. In their stead, I find here "Brainiac 2" and the nice art of Claude St. Aubin. I liked some of St. Aubin's work for Topps in the '90s, and he's solid here, but it also looks suspiciously like an attempt to mime Clarke. Maybe that's inker Scott Hanna, but setting that aside, St. Aubin's style is still a might stiff and "comic-booky." Tony Bedard keeps laying out the premise instead of moving forward, and the pacing is sucking my interest right out of the title. Factoring in Vril Dox's shrinking screentime and lack of punch, as well as his uninvolving new cohorts (among them my least favorite L.E.G.I.O.N.naire after Garv,) and I find myself working out an endpoint for my subscription. This Starro business is just the cherry on top...

2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 7: A Soon-To-Be-Dirty Clown

2009-06-28T19:00:00.000-05:00

From the July 2002 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"Just how bad
do you want
this job?"

Jemm, Son of Saturn #2 (October, 1984)

2009-06-27T20:00:00.000-05:00

"Home, my son, is not a place. It is a feeling. It is a gathering of hearts that give comfort. It is heaven on earth." --from the teachings of Rahani

The snow fell heavy in Harlem that night, as derelicts sat around a drum fire to keep warm. Bertie was their coarse leader, and when Luther tried to take in some of the heat, Bertie pushed the boy to the ground. Bertie claimed "...there's only fire enough for four," and his fellows began to wonder if the boy had some money they could poach. Jemm slapped his large hand over Bertie's shoulder, then tossed the brute so far into the sky he would certainly never return intact. The derelicts drew weapons on Jemm, who screamed in his alien tongue and launched himself at the crowd. Jemm's body contorted and extended in an eerie manner as he stalked the men, but one turned over the drum, igniting Jemm's cape.

A fifth wino was Crazy Freddie, who had stolen a bottle of bourbon from Bertie just as Luther had arrived at the fire. Now, Freddie threw his coat over Jemm, smothering the flames and earning Luther's affectionate thanks.

Elsewhere, a beaten and bloodied Bouncer had made his way to his ma's apartment. "Bruno? Oh, God!" Ma tended to Bouncer, and on learning the injuries were from a job for Mr. Tull, explained, "you should be proud of your wounds, Bruno!" Bouncer explained what happened at the Mannkin apartment, and how it was perhaps only right he'd been hurt, since Mr. Tull only ever sent him to hurt others. When Bouncer said he wanted to quit and stop hurting people, Ma began to repeatedly slap and enjoin Bruno not to speak ill of Mr. Tull. As Bruno began to cry, he promised his mother to keep working and bringing home Mr. Tull's fine money.

Crazy Freddie noticed there wasn't a mark on Jemm. "The fire didn't burn him-- just sort of tried to smother him! Like his body reacts differently to fire than yours or mine would." Jemm went to fetch Gramps' broken body, and Freddie claimed to know just the right place in the sewer to lay the old man down. After the group descended, a Saturnian robot requested back up from outside the manhole. "Repeat: I am ready to meet Saturnian life-form in battle!"

Dade showed up at a senator's house in the middle of the night, with photographs of the U.F.O. and information on the massacre of "forty U.S. special troops and two NASA scientists..." The senator had a house guest present, who was declared a trustworthy patriot. Though the senator thought Dade delirious, the guest saw the value in exploring the unusual "opportunities" should Dade's account prove true. Dade was less generous toward the guest, but the senator demanded, "Hold your tongue, Dade! This gentleman pays more to Uncle Sam in taxes each year that you'll ever make in a lifetime! No one I have ever known has been a better adviser to me, nor a more staunch supporter of this country's government... than Mr. Claudius Tull!"

Crazy Freddie had stolen some hothouse flowers to lay on Gramps' chest, and Jemm allowed the old man's body to drift off into waist deep water. Jemm's thoughts turned reflective, to a ghostly pale figure in a hooded purple robe that sat in a garden with the young Jemm. This was the priest, tutor and friend Jemm knew as Rahani...

"But teacher, are not Red Saturnians fighting White Saturnians just outside the walls of this palace? And if we were outside rather than in, would we not be mortal enemies?"

"Aye. All of Saturn is one great battlefield, and the generals on either side are bigots who cannot see beyond the color of their brothers' flesh! But you are different. You must not hate either the Reds or the Whites."

"And if a white were to breach our walls and kill my father simply because he is Red, would I not then hate all Whites forever?"

"No! You must be above all that! You must swallow all hatred that wells up within you! For you were born to be different, young one! You carry the birthstone upon your forehead-- an omen not seen on Saturn in over twenty eons! It is the sign that you are the special one sent from the creator of all things to be a protector and savior of all Saturnians, White or Red! Remember this always. You must never turn hatred upon any form of life from your homeworld. For you are unique among all Saturnians. You are Jemm, Prince of Saturn!"

Jemm's revere was broken when he was attacked by the towering robot. Jemm briefly sank underwater, then emerged with a stunning intensity, ripping the robot's head off in one swift motion. "Unit RT-36Z58 reports mission failure... Request back-up force commence attack." So it went, as the very water formed into a pummeling fist against the Son of Saturn. Pipes pulled free from the sewer walls to entangle and choke Jemm. A disembodied voice spoke in a tongue only our hero could understand:

"Greetings, Prince of Saturn! My name is Kamah! I am a warrior of the Whites. A Koolar-- shape-taker! And I am ruled by her supreme commandership, Synn! Surprised? Did you really believe you were the last living Saturnian in the entire universe? How vain you are! But how like your father, and your father's father, and every member of every generation of the pompous, strutting Saturnian royal family! For eons, you ruled our planet with an iron hand... but now, every last relative in your pious gene pool has been exterminated-- except for you! And soon, even you shall die!"

Concrete dislodged from the walls to assail Jemm's body. "It is then that Jemm decides to ignore the pain, and he concentrates. From the sparkling jewel on his forehead, a yellow beam shoots upward, probing for Kamah's heart-- searching for a black concentration of pure hatred!" Jemm felt a sick feeling in his gut, and knew he'd located the agent. Jemm withdrew briefly, them released an energy blast that revealed Kamah's true form. The White girl landed in the water, floating upright but lifeless.

Jemm took comfort in Luther's embrace as he slumped wearily. At first he hoped this White, who threatened to kill him and his friends, was dead. Then he shed a tear over the continuing violence between the few surviving Saturnians, and his role in this play.

Bouncer awoke to the sight of Ma standing next to Claudius Tull, a man who pressed Bruno to remain prone with the butt of his cane. Tull wanted to know about the Red Man, as he slowly invaded Bouncer's personal space, forcing the side of Bruno's sweaty face into a pillow with his palm. "You're afraid I won't believe you-- that I'll think your story too fantastic-- and that I'll have Earl and Sid beat you for lying to me. But believe me, Bouncer... I've listened to a number of fantastic stories tonight, and I have every reason to believe they're true..."

2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 11: A Ram Whore

2009-06-26T19:30:00.000-05:00

From the November 2002 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"If you want the wife to watch,
it'll cost extra."

2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 5: A Capricious Clown

2009-06-25T19:30:00.000-05:00

From the May 2002 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"I know just the place."

2001 Stuff Volume 2, Number 16: Meet Rat Bear

2009-06-24T19:15:00.000-05:00

From the March 2001 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"Happy
Women's
History
Month!"

Superman #15 (March, 1988)

2009-06-23T22:45:00.001-05:00

A SHORT BOX SUMMERY

Winged thieves commit skyrise burglaries in Metropolis. Superman gave chase, but strips of lead foil blocked his x-ray vision. Maggie Sawyer's daughter had run away from her home in Star City. Toby Raines, Sawyer's lesbian lover, consoled her.

Skyhook ran the aerial theft ring, transforming children into winged creatures, and his newest inductee was Jamie Sawyer. Maggie borrowed Jimmy Olsen's signal watch. After a tiff with Lois Lane, Superman answered the signal.

Flashback: Maggie's marriage to James Buchanan Sawyer ended in divorce with her declared an unfit mother. Because of her alternative lifestyle, she lost visitation rights.

Superman captured one of Skyhook's mutated kid thieves. The Man of Steel and Maggie Sawyer tracked Skyhook down, but the villain grabbed Jamie as a hostage. Maggie grabbed her daughter's leg as Skyhook took flight. Skyhook dropped the pair over the city. Confident Superman would save them, Maggie pumped Skyhook full of lead. Kal-El did his part, and joined Maggie in rounding up 22 more kids. Jamie was returned home to her father, with goo from the process still clinging to her arm.

"Wings" by John Byrne with Karl Kesel.

I totally missed the not-so-subtext when I read this as a rather dense 'tween. I just thought Maggie Sawyer worked too many hours around bad men wearing swim trunks and thick mustaches to properly oversee her daughter. I'm not 100% sure I knew women could be gay then. I was aware of gay men from the Blue Oyster Bar, and I was precociously familiar with sapphic sex from Penthouse, but I don't think "dyke" or even "flannel" were in my vocabulary yet. I know from too personal and reflectively tragic experience "mullet" wasn't.

Further Reading:
The Outing of Maggie Sawyer, Part I
Part II

"The Life And Death (And Life And Death) Of Adam Warlock" by Karen Walker

2009-06-22T23:00:00.002-05:00

In the magazine Back Issue Volume 1, Number 34 (June 2009), Karen Walker offered a "Flashback" retrospective of Adam Warlock's adventures from his introduction as "Him" in a 1967 Fantastic Four two-parter through his second resurrection in a 1991 issue of Silver Surfer. Having cut my fanboy teeth on Jim Starlin, I was somewhat disappointed with the article. You see, Warlock's earliest appearances have been reprinted many times. Starlin even gave a concise but highly effective four page recap of everything preceding his own run in 1975's Strange Tales #178, itself reprinted in 1980 (Fantasy Masterpieces #8,) 1982 (Warlock Special Edition #1,) and 1992 (Warlock #1.) Point being, Walker's coverage of such an oft-reprinted and recapped series feels pretty redundant to any but the least familiar, and I had hoped she'd move past there to the little remembered (and seemingly regarded) Warlock stories of the past fifteen years or so. Perhaps a second edition is in order?

However, Walker did interview several principles behind the '70s revisions of the character, which I found quite entertaining. For instance, Roy Thomas was a fan of Jesus Christ Superstar, and wanted to do his own modern retelling of the Biblical story in a super-hero context. As Thomas intended to segregate a pre-existing character from within the Marvel Universe rather than work from scratch, he settled on a revamp of "Him." Thomas saw no deeper meaning in the new moniker "Warlock" than it sounded cool. "Adam" was another Biblical allusion, while Thomas and artist Gil Kane worked out a new costume and a lightning bolt symbol that emulated the original Captain Marvel. It was Kane who added Warlock's gem.

When the High Evolutionary saw his near exact recreation of Earth infected with evil by a failed genetic experiment gone awry, he intended to destroy his befouled Counter-Earth. However, the former "Him" had just entered into the deific scientist's sphere, and pleaded for the opportunity to redeem the planet's population from the taint of the Man Beast. Roy Thomas only wrote a couple of stories before turning the premise over to other writers, as he edited the short-lived series. Thomas also oversaw the wrap of his storyline in three Incredible Hulk issues, which involved Adam's betrayal by an emerald Judas, then his death and resurrection, which saved Counter-Earth from its sins.

Meanwhile, Captain Marvel was another failed revamp from Thomas and Kane, until newcomer Jim Starlin turned the title into a popular series. Starlin quit the book over a now-forgotten dispute, and didn't patch things up until after the title had been reassigned. Editor Roy Thomas asked what Starlin wanted to do instead, and the eventual king of cosmic decided on Adam Warlock, and started work almost immediately. Since Starlin had just written Captain Marvel as a warrior-turned-messianic savior, he decided to instead turn Warlock into a paranoid schizophrenic with a most peculiar multiple personality disorder-- his insane future self, returned to the present to become a god-figure to the crusading, genocidal Universal Church of Truth. As a further complication, Starlin converted the power gem into a sentient, soul-stealing vampiric entity Warlock couldn't entirely control. Finding the lightning bolt on Warlock's chest difficult to draw, Starlin dropped it in favor of a new cape with a fanged skull clasp.

Never a shy one, Starlin offered the story "1000 Clowns!" in Strange Tales #181 which openly mocked Marvel staffers Marv Wolfman, Len Wein, Johnny Romita, and Stan Lee. Roy Thomas was also in the story, though in a positive light, but was uncomfortable with the whole affair (perhaps recalling his prior disparagement by Jack Kirby as a thinly-veiled character in the Mister Miracle series.)

Starlin wrapped his primary Warlock tale in 1976, and the series was canceled shortly thereafter. Starlin had begun work drawing a battle between Warlock and Drax the Destroyer that seems to remain unpublished. Starlin would eventually leave comics for a time to work in California with famed alternative animator Ralph Bakshi, and upon returning to New York was offered an Avengers annual by Archie Goodwin. Starlin took the opportunity to kill off Adam Warlock seemingly for good, and the story went over with Goodwin so well he asked to have it continued in a Marvel Two-In-One annual to tie up any loose strings.

The Warlock series was critically acclaimed and developed a growing cult following well into the '80s. When Marvel made murmurs about bringing Warlock back in the early '90s, Starlin decided that if it had to be done, he wished to do it himself. However, the article stopped short of the Infinity Gauntlet stories, so we'll leave it at that. As a side note, the article erroneously refers to an illustration as an unpublished cover, when it was in fact released in 1983 as the inside back cover to Warlock Special Edition #2. If you'd like to read the full series synopsis and interview material yourself, check out Back Issue #34

OMAC in "Battle Cry" (November, 1980)

2009-06-21T23:30:00.000-05:00

"3:54 A.M. St. Louis, Missouri. The IC&C (International Communication and Commerce) jet fighters came in under radar detection range." Before anything could be done, the jets fired on the city, causing widespread destruction. "5:59 A.M. Verner Bros., Inc. fighters came streaking to the rescue." Battles raging in the skies were followed by a 6 A.M. signal for IC&C ground forces to continue the assault, led by the One Man Army Corps. "The battle into the city is quick, fierce, and bloody. Already 563 IC&C soldiers and 973 Verner Bros. mercenaries have died."

Body counts continued to be tallied as IC&C fighters would hold ground until OMAC arrived on a given scene to insure victory. OMAC's abilities were impressive, as he survived while others fell, taking down military vehicles with whatever weapons or heavy debris were on hand. OMAC also served as an inspirational speaker. "All right, you killers, it's time to do or die!! Tear into them!" His lack of eloquence was made up by his delivery, one supposes.

By 4:34 P.M., IC&C had secured the city, losing 15,352 men to the Verner Brothers' 41,343. OMAC was dismayed by the casualties on both sides, their loves lost "So Wiley Quixote can give a favorable report to his board of directors, about new territories gained?" Things weren't going as OMAC had planned, and sighed to a sergeant while sitting atop a meters high pile of the dead, "...it's been one hell of a day."

This harrowing but brief back-up story from Warlord #39 was written and laid out by Jim Starlin, with tepid finished art by Romeo Tanghal.

2002 Stuff Volume 5, Number 4: Finicky Frog

2009-06-20T19:00:00.000-05:00

From the April 2002 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"What
kind of
candy?"

2002 Stuff Volume 2, Number 18: Clown Wisdom

2009-06-19T19:00:00.000-05:00

From the May 2001 Stuff Magazine For Men.
Photography: Damien Donck.

"Hey, kids-
Mommy
and Daddy
don't really
love you."